Someone was rummaging through our home. I could feel it and yet as I look around, it’s -clean- and -organized-. As if Hide would’ve done it herself. Inside the air felt fresher than it has been but I don’t really remember. I’ve not been home in a long time. I’m not even sure precisely when I left. Was it on the day I took them to Tokyo Station to go to Aizu or did I leave much earlier than that?
Then a thought strikes me, what if… What if they’ve been back? Back and gone… But to where? To Kyoto maybe? I let out a breath and pull out my cigarette and stuck it between my lips and light up. I wouldn’t blame them if somehow that’s what happened.
Why’d you come here today? Idiot…
If someone actually asked that, I’d shrug. I never really understood why I kept coming back. A passing comment? A missed occasion? I take a few steps to the old tatami room. Opening the shoji door I see… I blink a few times not believing my eyes. Leaving the room I step outside.
“I heard cold blooded animals don’t really mind the cold.” I tell it in between puffs. “But even the most stubborn of us shouldn’t freeze to death.” Reaching down, I place it on my arms, “Kame-sama, let’s go inside.”
I don’t know why I came here. I can’t sleep, I’m -restless- but Tsutomu-kun hasn’t made time in Aizu move again. So I sit in the dark and -wait-. I watch the writer play with stories, play with pictures. But why did I come here?
Probably because I’m a -coward-. Wandering took me to that imposter last time, and his laugh haunts my nightmares again. So I come back to this place, which haunts me in another way. It should be a place of family and laughter and -life-, not this. Cold and empty.
But something is… off. The house is tidy, and we left it… well, I’m normally a better housekeeper than that but being told having to flee for our lives and being mocked by your ex’s new girlfriend for being disobedient has a way of making those concerns less important.
Who would come here? If he wanders here, any version, they all probably like order….
The shoji door is open letting in cold air… and the smell of smoke.
What drew him here? He’s holding the turtle, why is it here? It’s supposed to be warn and safe with Himura-san. Some animals are said to run home when taken away, but a turtle?
But as I’m sure he knows I’m here, I find my voice. “Hello.”
I was just about to leave when I realized I’m no longer alone. I place the turtle down on top of the low table so it doesn’t run away.
“Come in.” I say but she has much more right to this place than I do. “Sit anywhere you like.” I wait for her to sit down before I move and find a place to sit. She looks surprised as I watch her eyes wander. So this place being orderly wasn’t her doing. Combined with the turtle it can only mean one of -those- people.
I take a puff on my cigarette while watching her. I’ve not seen her in a while but nothings changed. Well she is supposed to be a year older. “Happy Birthday.”
Are the words of welcome rote politeness, or does he mean it?
I just… why do I think like this? Overanalyze everything, move slow and cautious, as nervous as a rabbit waiting for the trap to spring? Once I ran to this man, ran -after- him. But still he said I was holding back.
He said it, he deserved better.
But I didn’t speak just to end up doing one of the two “f” things we’re good and and end up doing when we meet. And neither seem to help anything. He goes back to sleep, and I go back to waiting.
Happy Birthday
I smile, slowly. “Thank you.” He remembered -that-, of all things? “Oh, well, I forgot myself. It’s not much of a thing, alone – ” I stop, I’m babbling.
“Was it that that woke you up?” I’m still surprised that he paused work for so long. The last time, there wasn’t an active case. Maybe things slowly bubbling… ah, he deserved better, he deserves better, and he -knows- it.
I look at the turtle to break my intrusive thoughts. “Has the poor turtle been abandoned here?” It seems unsure of the table and has withdrawn into his shell. “Was it too much for the Himuras?”
She doesn’t make herself comfortable and instead going close to the turtle as if she would be safer there. I look at her for a moment and decide it’s better to lean on the shoji and smoke.
She says she forgot her birthday. Should I believe that? Hers isn’t so pronounced after all, no big new year celebrations unlike mine. I’ll have to take it at face value.
“What woke me up?” I shrug. It wasn’t that I was asleep. In fact I could never go to sleep. “I thought I’d come here while everyone was away and tidy up things but it seems someone’s gotten here first.”
And I nod towards the turtle, “I left him with that boy. But he’s not the type to offer to clean like a girl would so…” I look down on the turtle who’s now started to peek out of its shell. “So maybe your lady friend came with the boy in tow… and as they were obviously distracted by each other’s company must’ve forgotten the poor animal at the pond.”
“It would’ve been a dreadful end to just freeze to death. I wouldn’t wish it for him.” Though certainly the allegory isn’t lost to me.
“Well I hope you had a peaceful birthday anyway even if you’ve forgotten.”
He says he came here to tidy up? Is this part of the orderly closure, and he’s assuming that I’ll go from Aizu to Kyoto or… wherever and not even stop at this house?
I listen as he tells me about the turtle’s care, and I frown. “I thought that she would be more attentive, as she’s been kind enough to come see to the house. I’m grateful for that.” There was still food on the table when we left, it should by rights reek in here right now.
It would’ve been a dreadful end to just freeze to death. I wouldn’t wish it for him
I look up to him and there’s something in his tone… “it’s a poor ending for anyone. It deserves better.” I go over to where he stands and put a hand on his upper arm. He doesn’t like me touching him, anymore, but I… old habits die hard. Watching the -generation- of pictures from a better time, hurts.
I look at him. “Peaceful?” I smile a bit, and look away. “My birthday … I remember another time, you made it special. Took the kids out to buy me something pretty.” Softly, I add, “you have been good to me.” Other than cooking and the bed, what effort have I done?
She comes up and places a hand on my arm. I was going to reach for a cigarette but that would mean taking my arm back so I decide against lighting another but I don’t make any other moves seeing how fragile she seems to be. I bet even a slight meow of a cat would have her scampering off behind the sofa. No need to add to that stress.
“As I said, nothing to worry about. He’ll be in a cage soon enough.” I grin just a little as the images of the turle and the weak one behind bars -was- certainly amusing. Ah wait… I just remembered there was a time we were in fact behind bars, back then in that cold grey place made mostly of stone.
She seems to deny that her birthday was peaceful since she avoided my line of sight. And then recalls an old birthday several years ago now. “Well if I had left the kids alone to buy you a present, they’d probably buy a present you’d have to gift back to them instead.” I chuckle a little but I hear her add something to which I replied, “Well one good turn deserved another. I lived in your house and ate your cooking after all.”
I’m really itching for a cigarette so I gave in and moved my arm away reaching into my breast pocket. “Sumana. Old habits die hard you see.” I say after lighting up. “Anyway don’t let an uneventful birthday bother you. Quiet is good. None of those pesky annoyances that could derail what should be a perfectly acceptable day.”
I take a long drag and eye the turtle. I only came here because I didn’t want the last thing in this house to be two rumor mongering trespassers. And I didn’t want the turtle to actually freeze to death.
“I guess he’s ready to go.” I nod towards the turtle who’s now fully out of his shell and edging towards the end of the table. “It was good of you to come out Hide. Gave me an opportunity to wish you a belated happy birthday and not add it to the many times I missed it.” Well I -still- technically missed it but maybe it won’t count.
“It was kind of her,” I agree. Am I so harsh now?
He’s so wary around me. He lets me touch him for a minute or two. Under my hand, through his jacket and shirt, he’s still warm. He speaks of the birthday past and yes, they probably would have come back with a toy or some sweets instead of something suitable.
I lived in your house and ate your cooking after all
Is that how he’s putting it? It makes what we had seem so… small. “That’s not what it was and you know it,” I say, softly. What else is he going to reduce to those terms? I watch as he shakes off my arm and goes to go behind the wall of smoke as he lights up.
Quiet is good. None of those pesky annoyances that could derail what should be a perfectly acceptable day
“Is that how you think I saw our lives?” I look at him, “it’s true that I didn’t -enjoy- every challenge but I was being rather childish about it all when it didn’t go my way. I don’t like being pestered by other men. that’s true, even though now I’ve cheated on you with yourself. I wish I wasn’t kidnapped. I really, really was upset about you and Aioi even though I hid it…” I take a shaky breath and look away, but then back at him. “I prefer sunny days to gloomy rain, but without sun and rain nothing grows. It’s hard to see that, though.”
I didn’t come to fight. But… “why do you sleep, then? When you’ve already torn yourself apart? When -work- is waiting for you? You could end it all in a paragraph or two. As could I, I guess,” I shrug a little. “And I know why I don’t. I still -hope- even when I can’t give you a reason, when I didn’t treat you well. If you love it let it go, goes the saying, but I can’t, anymore than I could from when we met in the beginnings of this space. Neither of us can let go.”
“So where does that leave us?” I smile a bit. “You remember my birthday when I don’t. You come out to take care of Makoto’s turtle when she could just be relegated to an epilogue.” I go back to him, both of my hands grasping his shoulders as I try to meet his eyes. “We’re really good at hurting each other but it wouldn’t hurt so much if we didn’t care. And… once we could heal each other.” I let go and stand back. “We could do that again, but this time… I’ll learn that caring for you is not just feeding and bedding you. Things will… have to change.” And I know what one thing will be, but could I even ask that? It goes against -everything-.
“I told you I would -stay- in that cold place while you did your work. Aioi shamed me well enough that I accepted staying out of harm’s way. I won’t run away, not to Kyoto or anywhere else. I’m waiting until you come for us. Until then, I guess. I’ll hold back the dawn of another day unless Tsutomu-kun wills it otherwise. He’s as stubborn as you.” A smile flickers across my lips, but another day in Aizu is another day of ‘running’ in to Tokio, or for Naito-kun to further escalate. -Something- will happen, and I’m exposed, even with the protection that he arranged for.
“That’s not what it was and you know it,”
I could’ve taken that bait. Asked her what else was it? Because when I thought it was more, it was made apparent it was nothing more than that. I can only chuckle slightly, knowing if I open my mouth I’d say things not appropriate for this time. After all I -was- wishing her a good birthday and nothing else. There was nothing else after everything after all.
“Is that how you think I saw our lives?” I look at him, “it’s true that I didn’t -enjoy- every challenge but I was being rather childish…… “I prefer sunny days to gloomy rain, but without sun and rain nothing grows. It’s hard to see that, though.”
I smoke just listening to her summarize what the recent and not so recent past has been. “It’s in the past Hide. What happened. What I did. What you did. What we didn’t do.” I wave my hand and shake my head. “It’s done.”
“why do you sleep, then?
I shake my head. Another bait. Do I have the look of a man who has had even a moment of sleep? Ah but obviously, perhaps I do look like a… “I’m a lazy bastard.” I shrug and immediately stuck the cigarette in my mouth. Damn I took the damn bait!
“So where does that leave us?”
But I’m not going down the hook, line and sinker! “There hasn’t been an us since I moved out. But you’re right, I’m like a moth drawn to a flame. A fool who keeps coming back for you when I -shouldn’t-.” She holds me by the shoulder and I flick the still very long cigarette away and hold her cheeks in both of my hands just looking at her. Still outstanded that I still came back here after her ultimatums and revelations that I refused to play her -game-. I let out a frustrated sigh and let her face go. The one I left behind, I mock because of his inability to move forward and do what must be done, the -weak- one I call him. But hell, -I’m- the weak one who can’t leave this house not in order even when his woman speaks one thing and does another.
“I told you I would -stay- in that cold place while you did your work. Aioi shamed me well enough that I accepted staying out of harm’s way
I stop for a moment at the mention of Aioi’s name. I am a little -ashamed- that I could not do right by her, the woman who I used and yet she found enough kindness to still advocate for my behalf. I should at least put this one straight. “I know I hurt you with Aioi and she’s made trouble for you, but she’s no longer here Hide. The troubles we had, though she was certainly involved, were troubles that could’ve been resolved between us had we wished it. I would like to ask that you not speak of Aioi again.”
It’s odd to defend Aioi when she’s not the woman I want, the one that’s in front of me. I know I’m not doing us any favors by doing so but why ruin oneself for someone who is no longer of consequence?
She tells me she’ll wait unless Tsutomu wills to move. Of course that son of mine has other concerns, his mother, his sisters and that new girl. “Let him do as he wishes while he can.” She’s right it’s time to end it. We can’t keep going in circles.
He tells me that the past is the past, that it’s over and done with. Just like he sees us.
I’m a lazy bastard.
I raise my eyebrows at that, he’s trying to get me to lay into him, isn’t he? Like -she- must have. But his sarcastic comment is less of an admission than mocking me. “You’ve never been lazy,” I sigh, even though once I used to distract him, for which we paid the price. “For a man obsessed with strength and weakness, you cut yourself in half. It’s not purged you from what I did to you. You come back here, you meet with me and talk to me because nothing will be resolved as we are now.” Not his ‘tidy’ ending, just this enduring looming -mess-.
At least last time it all stopped, we were at peace. Missing him was a much simpler thing. The nights were never-ending but I had something.
There hasn’t been an us since I moved out. But you’re right, I’m like a moth drawn to a flame. A fool who keeps coming back for you when I -shouldn’t-.
He touches my face, and his hands feel like they should, the warmth… like the first days of spring after a long winter. “And I’m the fool who keeps hoping,” I say in a soft voice.
But the hand, the warmth, is abruptly withdrawn as I mentioned Aioi’s name. Ah, yes, the woman he stole for, the one he keeps going back for. He says she’s no longer here?
I simply nod. Is it true? Does it matter? She cared enough to stand up for him instead of fighting him.
He also tells me to let Tsutomu-kun move time. While he can. It’s only a matter of time. Let all of them have something.
I meet his eyes. So much for not fighting, huh, Hide? Idiot… but that’s who I am now. He offers me -something- and I can’t just accept it without whining for more. “Thank you for your birthday wishes,” I tell him as I lean down to pat the turtle, and turn to leave.
(OOC – close)