In less than a month, perhaps not even two weeks I revisited my life. Not all of it. Just the last few years. After all, the good parts were always the good parts and I’m not one to drown myself in a pool of wonderful memories when I know what the reality has been for the past few years. That’s what I looked back on, but not to drown myself in hurt or wallow in my self pity, but to try to see if I can look back with some semblence of objectivity and without the blinding emotions that plagued me in those moments. Emotions that disallowed me to see my own shortcomings and to focus on the many times I deserved better and didn’t get it. But I probably didn’t deserve any better than what I got.
In my mind I know precisely what times those were that I was sorely disappointed. What I tried to do, subtly or blatantly and how unsuccesful I was. Honestly, I should just laugh it off, or shrug it off. After all what did I expect? I’m a manslayer first and foremost before I’m even a cop much less everything that came after that. A brother? An uncle? A father? A husband? A lover? A friend? A museum employee? They were all just roles I’d play, no different when I’m pretending to be “someone else” when I’m undercover. But for a time it -almost- felt real. But then there was that walk by the river, a nice sunny day with a rather blue sky – it was almost just fine – until it wasn’t I suppose. And so I left to do what I should. My job. Maybe I wasn’t doing my job and so things were as they were…
*Looks down on cigarette and lights it up. Taking a few puffs*
Well I did my job afterwards and nothing changed so that’s probably -not- it. And I thought that would be the peak of my -stupidity- but looking back now. *chuckles and shakes his head* I’m glad the rooster head didn’t see what the hell I did the past few months. The cosplay session with the behemoth was -nothing- compared to these past few months which is more like years. If the rooster head was here, he’d say I’m no better than him when it came to a woman. I heard about that woman of his and what he did for her sake. He did much better than I. He was -no- fool.
*Smokes*
It’s a good thing the ahou isn’t here anymore. Then he’d see I’m doing exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do in the first place. Wallow in my misery.
*Inhales his smoke deeply and sighs* But that’s not why I’m here. I must… for the orderly closure of this place and theirs.