It’s early in the morning when the conductor calls out that the next stop is for Aizu. Hoising Ai-chan, who woke up about an hour earlier and cranky despite being fed and in a clean diaper, I run my hand through the mess of my hair. I nudge Makoto.
“Tsutomu-kun, Midori-san – we’re here,” I tell them.
I’m back here already… with what’s left of my family. Yukiko-san… I hope I did right in letting her go. Eiji-san is gone. Will Tsutomu-kun return with us? And Hajime…
Will the path to Tokyo remain open? Standing on the platform, I look south, down the tracks. If only I could see… if only I was still there. To do what, stupid? Throw myself in front of bullets and blades?
“Tsutomu-kun, your father said that we were to speak to Kanbee-san about an onsen that we can stay at – can you help me find his place?” I don’t know Aizu well, mostly following Hajime around, and with a blanket of snow I know I’d be quickly lost.
Makoto-chan, bleary-eyed, tugs at my hand and buries her face in my side. “I’m so cold, hahahue…” as the baby begins to cry.
“Soon, little one,” I promise her, as I try to jiggle the baby a little. I know another who lives close by… but I’m not that desperate. -Yet-.
Tsutomu:
Nee-san’s gone… We were all so tired that we slept through most of the trip until Ai-chan started to fuss. We get off the train and I lead us off the platform to where the lone building of the train station stands.
“Tsutomu-kun, your father said that we were to speak to Kanbee-san about an onsen that we can stay at – can you help me find his place?”
“Onsen?” I look back at her confused. We’re staying at an onsen? Why? This isn’t some “vacation”.
“Let’s get something to eat first Yagi-san?” I nod at the few food shops inside the station. There’s not a lot to choose from but it’s enough.
“I don’t know where that man’s house is. I only know Ji-ji’s but he should know where -that- Sagawa lives.”
Makoto complains about the cold but we’re inside now. “Maybe we should have something hot.” I look at Midori, is she cold too? “Let’s have some Kitakata ramen. It’s good for a day like this.” And besides we would be dropping in unannounced and becoming a -burden- to whoever the unlucky house that would take us in. But maybe…
Midori
Oh, the poor baby and poor Makoto-chan! It’s so cold out here – they’re not -used- to this, so I take off my scarf and wrap it around little Makoto. “I’m a tough northerner myself,” I tell her, tickling her nose with the end of the scarf. But I have to admit, it’s been a while – all of my visits home have been in the summer. But despite a lack of sea-smells, the biting winds feel like home, at least.
Onsen?
“That was your father’s instructions,” Yagi-san says, looking anxiously at Ai-chan. “There’s not a lot of places to stay in Aizu…” A look crosses her face that I can’t read.
Tsutomu-kun leads us to a food shop which is nice and warm. I’m starving…
Kitakata ramen
“Yes, please,” I say. I’ve gotten used to Tokyo’s love of soba, but ah, ramen…
The proprietor takes our order and places out four steaming bowls. “Ahhh…” I say, taking in the smells, my face flushing in the warm store an in anticipation of breakfast. I like sweets, but good solid fare like this is a -delight-.
Tsutomu:
Midori takes care of Makoto. Well she’s a good Northern girl after all. Though I didn’t imagine her hometown would be cold like this one.
I shrug as Yagi-san says it’s his instructions. Really… Sending us all up here to frolick in some onsen? What nonsense is that? And it would be -expensive-. Who knows how long we get to be stuck here. He says a week but maybe he just dumped us here so he can go live with… What did he call that woman? Aioi? Maybe the entire thing was a farce and there’s really no immediate threat. But I don’t say anything as Yagi-san frets about where we would stay.
The ramen comes and I’m thankful. Something hot would be good for all of us. Well Ai-chan won’t be able to eat that much but we can all smell the broth and get a little warmer.
“Well if we can’t find a place to stay or if it’s too cramped, we can always stay at Uncle Morinosuke and Kurosawa-sama’s house where my mother lives.” I say as I dig into the warm broth.
(Hide)
I eat the ramen because I should, it doesn’t really taste like anything. But it is warm, which is nice, and the tumult in my stomach has settled for now. Ai-chan has perked up a bit in this place, making happy noises at Tsutomu-kun, while Makoto and Midori-san are making quick work of their food.
I’m thinking of where we can stay. Tsutomu-kun sounds dismissive of the onsen, and really, where is there? Kanbee’s house is small, and as for Ueda-sama… that door won’t be open for me. The -doctor-… although I can already see her smirking, at us taking refuge with her, and whatever mischief she would start…
Well if we can’t find a place to stay or if it’s too cramped, we can always stay at Uncle Morinosuke and Kurosawa-sama’s house where my mother lives.
I nearly drop my spoon at him saying that so… casually. I take a moment to compose myself. “I’m certain they would offer hospitality to those in need,” I say, quietly. “But I worry that having me in there would be upsetting to your mother.” Himura-san made in plain that she was in bad shape after what happened when Hajime last visited. Although that’s Megumi’s telling, so…?
Once I would confront her, my invisible rival, brave saintly Hide, to quell the woman who made her man hurt. But now that I’m just a cast-off mistress… I don’t know if I have the strength to face whatever knives she’d throw at me. I’m still bleeding from Aioi and her visit.
Tsutomu:
Ai-chan -finally- perks up. Thank kami! I let her grab at my pinky for a little bit while take a mouthful of noodles with my other hand.
“I’m certain they would offer hospitality to those in need,” I say, quietly. “But I worry that having me in there would be upsetting to your mother.”
She’s not wrong. Which reminds me I need to see how mother is. Yoshi hasn’t written about her for quite some time after I started sending allowance back here. “I’ll have to see what mother would say to that of course.” I look at Midori, “But at the very least, Midori and I won’t present a complication for you if the two of us stay with my kin.”
Besides, I’m sure Yagi-san can stay at Ji-ji’s right? Kanbee’s house is small even if it’s just that wife of his and his wife’s kin.
I slurp the last of the broth and pat my stomach. That warmed me up! “Well let’s go to ji-ji!” I glance outside, usually there’s a horse-drawn cart or two that we can hire. Ji-ji’s is walkable but it’s a hike especially for Makoto-chan and Ai-chan shouldn’t be too exposed to the cold. “There’s no palanquins in Aizu but worst comes to worst, maybe you, Makoto and Ai-chan can get on a rickshaw and I’ll tell the driver directions to Ji-ji’s house… And Midori and I can walk.”
That means they’ll arrive before we do… But that shouldn’t be too long and besides, maybe there is a cart we can hire… Suddenly I’m irritated with him, leaving us all like this, in the cold and then leaving it up to me to get to our destination and to find a place to stay! Didn’t he even think this through? Absolutely no planning at all! I can only shake my head at that. Then I remember what his instructions were that night, to go to Ji-ji’s and then ask Kanbee for protection. Oh…
Will they really help without -him- present?
(OOC: Feel free to get them Ueda’s however which way)
I’ll have to see what mother would say to that of course. But at the very least, Midori and I won’t present a complication for you if the two of us stay with my kin.
A look passes briefly over Midori-san’s face that I can’t read. Happy that Tsutomu-kun wants to bring her to his mother, maybe?
A farmer is kind enough to take us out to… Ueda-sama’s house. I was surprised when Tsutomu-kun spoke of ‘Ji ji’ and I wondered if that could be… but when he said the name my heart sank.
Is there nowhere in Aizu where we will be welcome? I hold Ai-chan tight on the cart’s seat, next to the farmer.
Son enough we’re at a house I’ve been to before. A bundled up woman is also approaching, and I see it’s Akane-san. She waves at the farmer, and then realizes who we are and looks surprised.
Tsutomu:
I catch Midori’s eyes as I make mention of us eventually going over to Uncle Morinosuke’s and my mother’s place of course. I smile a little at her. I’m sure she’ll like it there… So I make a mental note of it as we make our way to Ji-ji’s. For some odd reason I get the impression that Yagi-san doesn’t want to go here but really where could they go? And I don’t know where that Sagawa lives. Mother didn’t like him much.
And it’s not too long and I’m glad because exposed to the cold like this is no good for any of us! Much less Ai-chan but Yagi-san has her in front and hopefully is shielding her from the intermmitent wind. We get there soon enough and we all get off as the farmer/driver waves back at someone. Oh I wonder if that’s Akane. She looks like Akane but I’ve only been here a few times, I can’t really remember. We pay the farmer who goes on his way and Yagi-san just stares without saying anything. What is up with that?
“Is this everybody?” She looks around and her eyes settle on Makoto as if she knew her. But she doesn’t seem to remember me. “You’re Makoto-chan right? Your mother showed me your picture the first time you came here.” She smiles at Makoto-chan before realizing that Yagi-san was holding Ai-chan. “Oh the poor baby… Please come inside. I just came from the market and was going to prepare some soup.”
She opens the gate and we go single file into the smaller garden and we wait at the door on the engawa.
“Please make yourselves at home Yagi-san.” Akane tells Yagi-san as she ushers us through the door, “No need to be shy, you’ve been here before!”
“Akane? Is that you? Do we have guest?” Oh… That’s Ji-ji. Eventhough I don’t know him well, his voice is very distinctive and with some authority. I heard from Kurosawa that he was one of the elders who led them through Aizu’s exile and of course was also part of Aizu’s war council.
Akane-san is as kind as ever, I suppose Ueda-sama kept everything a secret? “Yes, this is everyone – my daughters Makoto-chan and Ai-chan, and Hajime’s eldest, Tsutomu-kun, and a family friend, Nishino Midori-san.” I look at her, and then away. “Hajime… Fujita-san isn’t with us. He did send us north…” Did he remember at all, what passed? But I was offered a choice. I suppose we could still be on that train, for the much longer journey to Hokkaido to be looked after by an ex-Juppongatana and perhaps Nagakura-san.
Instead I’m in a cold place full of people that I’ve crossed.
Actions have consequences.
But for now I’ll take getting the children out of the cold. Tsutomu-kun takes Ai-chan from me and she makes happy sounds as he inspects her, but she’s warm and better for having had some of a bottle while the others finished their ramen.
“How has Ueda-sama been, since coming back from Tokyo?” I ask, looking around as my eyes adjust to being inside.
Akane? Is that you? Do we have guest?
My stomach sinks at the sound of his voice. I’ve disappointed many people, but this man is the closest Hajime has left to a father.
Akane:
Yagi-san introduces everyone and I bow slightly remembering now who the boy… young man is. He’s grown! And he’s surrounded by a bunch of girls even if half of them is his sisters!
“I’m glad you all came to visit.” I tell them. And of course Yagi-san and Naito seemed to have gotten along as I knew they -would- and that makes me happy to be acquainted to Yagi-san. But she tells us that, -that- man is not with them and all the better!
Ueda-sama calls out and I respond back, “Yes Ueda-sama! We have Yagi-san and all the children here and a friend.” But he’ll likely expect him to be with them so I add, “Fujita-san sent them to visit!”
I turn back to the children and usher them into the living room where there’s at least a few sitting pillows. “Now all of you get comfortable ne?” I smile. I’ll prepare some warm tea for you to drink.”
I leave Yagi-san and the children there after helping Ueda-sama into the room himself.
Ueda:
She’s here? And not just her but the children. Under Goro’s instruction which means…
“Ah you’ll excuse us. We weren’t expecting guests but I’m sure Akane will provide some refreshments soon.”
I sit seiza and look at the shadows. Three shadows are almost the same height but the one is obviously a young man. So he must be Tsutomu and there’s a smaller shadow of a girl, must be Makoto and I can hear the soft laughter of a baby. Your entire family is here Goro, the same one you told me you lost only a few months ago. But why are they here?
“Tsutomu-kun come forward. Did your father leave a message or instructions?” I address the young man of the Fujita house.
I see his silhouette move as I instructed and he bows and replies, “Fujita-san told us to come here Ji-ji and to find Sagawa-san so he can help Yagi-san.”
“I see. Thank you.” I don’t ask anymore. If he sent them here and asked her to look for Sagawa for help, then likely it is for protection. And the fact that he’s not here himself, must mean that either someone is chasing him or he is chasing after someone after Yagi-san – it must be the latter.
“I’m glad all of you have finally made it to Aizu. It’s the best time to visit this province while the snow blankets everything white.” I put on a smile, “There’s two rooms upstairs that all of you can stay at, however Tsutomu-kun you may have to stay with me to give the women their privacy.”
I sit, taking back Ai-chan, and Makoto sits next to me, drooping a bit. She slept on the train but it was still a disturbed night… I draw an arm around her, a bit tricky holding a baby as well but it’s been a long, -long- night.
Akane-san helps Ueda-sama into the room, and in his way, he seems to see us.
Tsutomu-kun come forward. Did your father leave a message or instructions?
I’m a bit surprised that he addressed Tsutomu-kun, and he answers, telling him what drove us from our home.
I’m glad all of you have finally made it to Aizu. It’s the best time to visit this province while the snow blankets everything white
Makoto perks up at that. What snow we get in Tokyo is never heavy like it can be here.
He mentions the rooms, and I bow. “Thank you, Ueda-sama,” I say, quietly. Maybe I can at least get Ai-chan to nap soon. I worry about tiring her out, she’s still so -little-.
Next to me, Makoto shifts to sit properly, and bows. “Hello, sir, I am Fujita Makoto and I’m the big sister to Ai-chan.” She smiles, and looks back and Tsutomu-kun. “Do you think we can go sledding, later?”
Akane-san comes back with the tea, and a small plate of refreshments.
Ueda:
“Thank you, Ueda-sama,”
I nod. “You’ll excuse me for not helping you to get settled upstairs. I do not go up there anymore.” I’m sure she noticed the last time that I’ve been confined to the ground floor. “Young man, you should get your belongings deposited upstairs and once you’re done, take with you an extra futon to my room.”
“I’ll do that Ji-ji but I don’t plan to stay long. I’d like to see my mother.”
“Of course.”
The littlest one presents herself as Fujita Makoto. “Come here child. Let me touch your face.” I wonder if her face is the same as her father or does she take more from her mother?
The young girl asks to go play outside but I hear Tsutomu say not today, as everyone is tired and there were chores to finish. The young man has always had more sense eventhough he has tended to be aloof towards us. I hear Akane put down some tea beside me and I take a sip.
“Akane, you’ve been much help. But may I impose on you a bit more? We have to send a message to Kanbee-kun.” As to what that message is, I suppose Yagi-san can tell him herself.
“Oh it’s no bother really Ueda-sama. His place is on the way to mine so I’ll stop by his on my way home.”
I’d ask her, why she spends more time away from her own house. Does her husband mind or is he too busy with his business? “Thank you.”
Makoto
Come here child. Let me touch your face.
I scoot closer. He has to touch my face? But then I look at his eyes and he’s not really looking at me? His hand on my face reminds me of chichiue’s because it’s strong and rough and I really, really miss him. I look at the man that hahaue calls Ueda-sama, and smile. I like his face, and his beard.
And Tsutomu-kun said it’s not time to play. But I guess since he’s going to see his mother… I wonder about her. She’s -famous- at school. She fought the army from the castle! Then the teacher telling me about her asked what hahaue did during the war… she just said that she cooked for people who stayed at her father’s house. That’s not exciting at all!
The adults talk about someone else and messages… then I hear hahaue’s voice. “Makoto-chan, why don’t you go with Midori-san upstairs? Ai-chan needs a nap and I think she’ll sleep better in a new place if her big sister is there.”
Oh – a big sister job! I nod. “Hai!” I’m sleepy too but I don’t tell her that, because I’m too big for naps.
(Makoto, Ai and Midori exit)
Ueda:
The girl Makoto is not shy. A straightforward child but his children tend to be. And this one is lively.
“Good good.” I say and ruffle her hair. But the child is soon dismissed by her mother and the children, including Tsutomu goes upstairs. Hopefully they get to rest, it’s a long trip from Tokyo. I finish my tea.
Akane:
“I should be done cooking in an hour.” I say to Yagi-san and Ueda-sama. “Then we’ll call them back down. I’ll go to Sagawa-sama after lunch.”
(OOC: Akane will exit unless something/someone stops her.)
I smile a bit as Tsutomu-kun follows the girls upstairs. He’s good to his sisters, and Midori-san.
I should be done cooking in an hour. Then we’ll call them back down. I’ll go to Sagawa-sama after lunch
I nod. “Thank you, Akane-san. I’m also happy to help – my injuries have healed since I was here last.”
I bow again to Ueda-sama. “Thank you for your hospitality. Our leaving Tokyo was very unexpected and rushed.” I try to read his face, at least he didn’t slam the door on us. But can we stay here?
Ueda:
“Oh no no no Yagi-san. You must be exhausted! I can take care of it. It’s no problem really!” And I hear Akane leave promptly. She seems to have lightened up towards Yagi-san. I wonder why…
Thank you for your hospitality. Our leaving Tokyo was very unexpected and rushed
“So it would seem, otherwise I think he’d come here to Aizu with you.” I look to the side where a little light is coming in. “So what trouble has he got himself into this time?”
“But you shouldn’t worry. This house is open to all of you regardless.”
(Hide)
So what trouble has he got himself into this time?
I look down for a minute. “It’s things left over from my kidnapping. The mother of the man who had me kidnapped is still free and there’s a lot more to her.,. She’s taken over a small town on the Izu peninsula… and then there’s a politician who’s involved as well.” I keep my eyes down. “And last night, the guards protecting the house were pulled. So it wasn’t safe for us, and with the other option he offered being Hokkaido, I decided to come here.”
Is ‘Mama-sama’ dead yet? Or Miyagawa? Is Hajime? I shudder at the thought of that… he’s so capable, so skilled… but it’s always the fear… even if he’s no longer mine I still love him and want him to -live-. And not die over these fools.
Ueda:
“Leftover?” I can’t help but comment. Goro has generally been so thorough but he’s only a man and I’ve seen him struggle especially in those days. It’s much easier for him to be alone than be with others. That is true for his work but also true in his living though it is not something he truly wants whether he admits it or not.
And last night, the guards protecting the house were pulled. So it wasn’t safe for us, and with the other option he offered being Hokkaido, I decided to come here.”
“I see but why to Hokkaido? Aren’t you from Kansai? Why did you not go to your kin instead or did he forbid it?” I look at her shadow, “In any case you are here now and he asked, so we cannot turn you away. I suppose none of them, the children knows about this and it’s better they do not. Try not to be so dispirited or the children may pick up on it.”
I look towards the window, “Besides you are safe here in Aizu even if you think little of us.” Or our way of life. Even if she wasn’t Goro’s woman, we cannot turn away a woman who asks for our help. Not that she asked for it.
Leftover?
I nod. “They were able to avoid justice the first time,” I say. Miyagawa I suppose by being powerful in the government, and Mama-sama… I wouldn’t put it past her to play the role of a fragile old lady, instead of the monster she is.
Why did you not go to your kin instead or did he forbid it?
He’s very perceptive. “Because he knows I wouldn’t go. I’m too proud, and difficult.” I’m… sad as I speak of it. Would I have been safe there, with our next door protector and whatever network he still maintains, along with what Misao-san could muster? Probably. I could have swallowed the feelings of suffocation and failure, or the idea of my brothers taking over my life now that it’s turned to chaos.
In any case you are here now and he asked, so we cannot turn you away.
“Thank you,” I say. “After your trip to Tokyo, and knowing what I did to harm Fujita-san, I was…” my voice falters, “nervous to come here, and beg shelter and help, even though your past demonstrates that you wouldn’t turn us out.” I remember that first visit, did he think then that I would be good for Hajime? Or did he, as someone who sees without sight, assess me correctly? And now, again, my pride and inability to accept my situation… he’s calling out my rudeness.
“As for Hokkaido, he has allies there as well. And once… I think we were meant to go there.” Or at least he was. But other than asking me that morning… something else, I suppose, lost in the weirdness that is our lives.
I nod as his request for the children. “Other than Tsutomu-kun, the others think we’re here for a short visit.”
Besides you are safe here in Aizu even if you think little of us.
He looks towards the window, at the endless blanketing snow. “This place… that belongs to two other women, has always been difficult to me. There’s one I wanted to know that I was taking care of the man she loved. And the other…” Tokio remains complicated. How I thought I was -better- than her… all of my naïve, prideful fantasies.
Ueda:
“They were able to avoid justice the first time,”
I can’t help but sigh. That alone would be enough to move him and normally I would not worry but even I am unsure at what state Goro is in.
“Because he knows I wouldn’t go. I’m too proud, and difficult.”
“Must you add your self-recriminations in every answer? Be glad that Goro knew to try to respect your wishes, even if you -may- have been proud or difficult.”
“After your trip to Tokyo, and knowing what I did to harm Fujita-san, I was…” “nervous to come here, and beg shelter and help, even though your past demonstrates that you wouldn’t turn us out.”
Harm. I was arduous and difficult towards her in Tokyo. I had hoped and immediately disappointed that at every turn the woman in front of me kept running or choosing the easy way, going so far as to deceive us. “That’s the right reaction, to be nervous but you don’t have the luxury to wallow in that. And please don’t patronize me by saying my past proves that I would help and yet would make the exception and -not- assist you. I would assist a stranger…” I look at her though I can’t see her clearly, “Why would I not assist the woman my son loves, even if you two may not be good for each other?”
Are they not good together? Are they better off apart? But that’s not -the- pressing matter for today and can’t be answered with only one party present. She tells me of Hokkaido and I know he’s always been drawn to the North, even further than Gonohe nor Hokkaido but I don’t tell her this. I wonder is the reason he is so drawn there, because of the numbing sensation of never ending cold? To be so cold, one couldn’t feel. But at least the children except for the boy seem oblivious to what’s happening around them.
“This place… that belongs to two other women, has always been difficult to me. There’s one I wanted to know that I was taking care of the man she loved. And the other…”
“I’d advise you to not be too concerned of those no longer living.” I shake my head. “Yaso has been gone for so long, in fact I think she maybe more at peace than any of us left.”
“And as for his ex-wife, my son’s adopted daughter Tokio… She’s not the person you should be looking to measure yourself. After all Tokio was an inconsistent woman, who was severely flawed and yet extremely -fortunate- to have found herself taken out of Gonohe by the Princess. Comparing yourself to her would be setting a low bar. Goro deserves better however he did choose Tokio back then and so maybe he deserves what came to him.”
All this talk of the past as if one could fix the past and yet it seems nothing is being done to fix the present.
“Ueda-sama. Yagi-san. Lunch will be ready soon.” Akane calls out to us.
(Hide)
Must you add your self-recriminations in every answer? Be glad that Goro knew to try to respect your wishes, even if you -may- have been proud or difficult.
Must I? It’s as I told Sir Howard – I hate who I am, what I’ve done. I don’t know how to get past that. If what’s left of me can – and should – be saved.
Why would I not assist the woman my son loves, even if you two may not be good for each other?
He looks at me as if he can see me, and in that I see the man he was when younger – strong, decisive, one who took care of so many as their world fell apart. Even now, in this room, in this house, that man is still here. “Because perhaps… the being bad for him part is worse than him loving me.” But he sees it. A saint, a princess no more. Aioi-san’s words still -tear- at me, and their kiss has been replaying in my head since last night, like a nightmare. How she asked him to stop it, to say no more… he just wants this place -over-.
He also calls me out on wallowing. Which… well, I’ve been doing this entire conversation. I bow my head. “Please forgive me, Ueda-sama. I am trying… to not be so self-centered and to not… assume the worst with others.”
Yaso has been gone for so long, in fact I think she maybe more at peace than any of us left.
I remember the one who I saw in those bleak borderlands, who pulls me out of the mire and smoke. Who spoke of a love enduring,
Comparing yourself to her would be setting a low bar. Goro deserves better however he did choose Tokio back then and so maybe he deserves what came to him.
I know it took two to make a marriage work, and two to make it break down. Nobody has clean hands… but did he deserve it? Did she? But that’s why it’s so hard to not concern myself with Yaso-san. It’s all tied together and I get Hajime’s almost… distant version of it.
“I don’t know what to do now, Ueda-sama. It’s hard… to sit and wait. I know that’s the role of a woman, but… I compare myself to remarkable women who can work alongside him and what can I do? He seems to want me to do more, be more than the warm shelter, a role I once took so much pride in…” I look again out the window, drawn to the beauty of the snow. “He’s out there now, because of people who wanted to use me, putting his life on the line, pushing his body and mind and I don’t know how much longer he -can-… I just wish I knew how to -show- him, when my words are empty to him.” I put my head down. “To not trample on his pride.”
Akane-san calls out for lunch, and I hear footsteps upstairs, and voices. “Wake up, sleepyhead!” “I wasn’t sleeping I was showing Ai-chan what to do!” I stand up. Perhaps my mother, once, allowed me to wallow in my miseries instead of making me face them, and my brothers were too -respectful- to after she was gone. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t get along with Hanako-san, once. But that’s the past. Now is… getting through these next days.
She doesn’t say anything about her reproaching herself. But it is just -words- and unlike in books and stories, she’d need more than an old man trying to lift her spirit. And so I stop. She and Goro are the same, the more you push, the more they dig at their heels. Stubborn… Every single one of them. Then and now.
“Because perhaps… the being bad for him part is worse than him loving me.”
“That’s…” It’s at times like these that I wish I can look into someone’s eyes, “-likely- not for you to decide.” She apologizes at how she’s conducting herself. “Your self-hate isn’t some “atonement” or propitiation, Goro will see it as his failure, not yours. And maybe it -is- his failure.”
“Please forgive me, Ueda-sama. I am trying… to not be so self-centered and to not… assume the worst with others.”
And she apologizes over and over. But she only need apologize for one thing, at least to me. “It’s natural to be worried about oneself but it is -terrible- to think the worst of others.”
I compare myself to remarkable women who can work alongside him and what can I do? He seems to want me to do more, be more than the warm shelter, a role I once took so much pride in…”
“Women who work with him?” I ask suddenly confused. Were there others? “Yaso may have covered for his transgressions against the Meiji in Aomori but that would be the extent of it… And Takagi certainly has “stories” but it’s mired with self-aggrandizement or falsehoods.”
I stop for a moment before continuing, “And you Yagi-san? What will you be? Were you truly that warm shelter or were you as fair weathered as he seems to be?”
“He’s out there now, because of people who wanted to use me, putting his life on the line, pushing his body and mind and I don’t know how much longer he -can-…
I stymie a sigh. Is he really pushing himself? The man in Tokyo that I saw gave up and as for today… I might be imagining it but I don’t feel his presence at all. It’s almost like there’s no warmth, though the sun shines brightly making the snow sparkle or at least that’s how I imagine it. What will you do Goro? Truly abandon your woman and children and now leave them to my care?
I just wish I knew how to -show- him, when my words are empty to him.” I put my head down. “To not trample on his pride.”
“Empty?” And she goes into a desperate pose, “If your words had no power over him then there is no possibility of you being able to “trample on his pride”. It’s likely the opposite. Your words do carry so much meaning to him that perhaps even your silence was defeating.”
She stands up to leave, “They say the opposite of love is not hate nor anger but indifference. Where do you place yourself in this? Where does he?” I know what the answer is for Goro though he’d loathe the answer. He’d rather be indifferent, to play it cool but -this- one, the one we knew can only play that game for so long. Most people would say that his line of work is difficult, but for him it is straightforward and so he has no feelings of guilt or worry to grapple with. But I have yet to see him deal with personal matters just as well as he does his work. And putting those two together?
She stands up as Akane calls everyone to the table. No amount of speaking will solve their problems today. Only the two of them can do that but will Goro even come back? And can Yagi-san pick herself back up enough so that if he does, he can reclaim his pride, along with hers instead of absconding?
(OOC: you can close.)
“That’s…” It’s at times like these that I wish I can look into someone’s eyes, “-likely- not for you to decide.” She apologizes at how she’s conducting herself. “Your self-hate isn’t some “atonement” or propitiation, Goro will see it as his failure, not yours. And maybe it -is- his failure.
I’m reminded of Ito, when he came for me. With a foundational memory missing, full of guilt and self-recriminations… and having been -advised- that I couldn’t just bounce back to being happy. Metaphorically, I cut myself to bleed, and… maybe I liked that. To feel that instead of putting myself out there, and where did that lead? Him losing -his- memories and… did we truly recover from that? A man who swallowed his pride and chased a woman, only to find the woman freezing him out?
It’s natural to be worried about oneself but it is -terrible- to think the worst of others.
That’s what I’ve been doing. The caped man, Sir Howard, and most of all… -him-. It’s exhausting, to always be so held-in and building up barriers. I can get hurt. I… get better. Maybe I don’t enjoy it, but I’m not enjoying this, either. Maybe I should have listened to the lessons being offered.
And… not have been so full of proving my wonderous trust and fidelity that I let him think that I didn’t give a damn about him going for another.
Women who work with him?
“Yes, one of whom… came between us.” The others – Misao-san, Himura-san, I don’t worry about as someone who would turn his head, but I feel shallow and colorless compared to them. Or is it just the envy that they have a true place in this world? But this isn’t the Wilderness, or even the Origin… it’s -this- would, and only I can decide if I “belong” or not.
He sighs and I wonder what Ueda-sama knows.
Empty? If your words had no power over him then there is no possibility of you being able to “trample on his pride”. It’s likely the opposite. Your words do carry so much meaning to him that perhaps even your silence was defeating.
It was with Aioi. It is when I shut him out, or the world he tried to build for me. It’s not just the children and the house… it’s all of it. I withdrew from it all. Fear? Or annoyed that I couldn’t do what I wanted, which was just enjoy him in an uncomplicated space, not worrying about all of the forces around us, the things that we couldn’t ignore anymore?
And you Yagi-san? What will you be? Were you truly that warm shelter or were you as fair weathered as he seems to be?
“I was, once.” It came so easily, then, in the early days. I look away, even though he can’t see it’s like he reads me all to well, and the scrutiny is -hard-. “It’s what I want to be again.” The idea of it, the thought… memories come flooding back, and for a moment, I smile at it.
And indifference…
“Thank you, Ueda-sama,” I say, controlled now, my voice low. “I thank you for listening… and your counsel.” I hear the children coming down the stairs, with Tsutomu-kun reminding Makoto not to -jostle- him on the stairs when he’s carrying Ai-chan.
I see Midori-san first, and she bows to Akane-san as she enters. “Oh, good Northern food again!” I let Ueda-sama enter first, and find his seat. Akane-san’s simple home cooking does smell good…
(OOC – close)