I’m weeding in the back garden, by the vegetables. I’m not allowed out – the sword police made it clear that only the children or Yukiko-san could leave, and then, only under the escort of either Yuunosuke or Saya-san. Saya-san usually offers, but she comes back and her limp is more obvious as the weather turned colder yesterday. Yuunosuke tries to intervene but he is always very careful to never seem like he’s telling her what to do (he usually tells a story about a bookstore he wants to visit, which may be -truthful-), and, should she go out, takes such -care- with her when she comes back, without hovering. Where did he learn that? Not from me – I’d hover…
I shouldn’t have my brother, or a good friend, protecting us. It should be the -man- of this house…
I pull weeds, forcefully. But he didn’t feel like the man. I made decisions alone, did what I wanted… that I wasn’t used to having a partner, that I thought that my ability to not collapse when he wasn’t around was a positive, compared to Tokio… isn’t enough. The truth is, I never made space for him. I never knew him, let him into my life. Instead, I scribbled in my diary. As much as I wanted depth and proof that I -existed-, in having a diary instead of talking to him, it kept it what it is. Just a story.
From my beginning I was a willful creature. I thought I was created to -live-, but then be told that I was meant to be pining and chasing after a man who was never really mine, just someone I could never catch? Being willful, I refused. I couldn’t reconcile my Souji with the one meant to happen there. True, part of my reason for coming to Tokyo was to find Asato-san and get the story of his death and put it all to rest, to say goodbye at his grave… I was the woman who wanted to move on. Not the one who was -told- to be about a man that I was finally, -finally- ready to move on from.
And I did. I found a man, married, taken, living in another world, not the shadows where I hid and muttered about how unfair it was, having been left behind (even though it was by -my- choice!). I found that man and we seduced each other. And then… it became more. I never thought he’d leave his world for me. He had no idea how empty and hollow I was.
In taking Hajime, I started the events that would lead to the end of that world, -her- world. And he came to this one we created. How he tried to bring life to something, and I wanted to keep it artificial. If his world hurt him, I would be -better-. A world of happiness and kissing and sex and dinner. How nice, ne? No troubles…. but this man couldn’t breathe in a world like that, being run by a willful woman who… must have made him feel that he didn’t even need to be there at all. Not needed…
Ah, all of this… I close my eyes, shivering a bit as the wind cuts through my kimono, padded underlay and shawl… I have to stop whining, analyzing. He’s done with me. He’s moved on.
I sit back, stretching slightly. I don’t mind being home. I mind a bit, being stuck inside these walls, but I wanted protection, didn’t I?
He’s going to kill them, I -know-. That Kato seems to still be alive is a surprise, and despite my warnings about Mama-sama she’s just an old woman – without her tricks and hired goons, she’s just an old woman, albeit clever and I assume still wealthy. And this Miyagawa? Can he be killed without repercussions? I take some deep breaths, at the thought of them. Is he as cruel as she is? I shiver again, and not because of the cold…
I lean back over and get to weeding and tending. Some of the greens are perhaps hopeless, given the neglect… but the man who offered once to carry my watering can is gone, and this food will help the budget.
(OOC – Hide is in the garden)
I waited until everyone left. I would’ve visited on a weekend so I could see the children but I don’t have much time and I’m only here because…
I watch the corners of the house where the guards are situated. Why can’t I ensure the protection of this house unlike where Tokio and I lived, it was never violated like this one and yet, we stubbornly stay here. Well not we anymore. I take the last hit of my cigarette and go enter the front gates.
And I find her tending to the much neglected garden. Taking a rest. I just look for a moment, not saying anything and I have to ask myself why I even came here. It wasn’t really necessary was it? I’m taking the fight to them after all, far away from here.
“I’m glad you’ve been following the police’s instructions.” I say. “As long as you do, it will go better than last time.” Because last time there was no one watching, not even I and I won’t be, again.
I’m lost in my thoughts, trying to figure out how far along the tubers are… they are not my strength.
I hear footsteps and assume they’re Yuunosuke’s, who is doing some sort of translation work up in Tsutomu-kun’s room (he likes to -sit- at a -desk-, spoiled man), coming down…
I’m glad you’ve been following the police’s instructions. As long as you do, it will go better than last time.
I look up and see Hajime. The last person I’d expected to see, after my meltdown in his office, after everything… my heart leaps to just see him, my foolish, -foolish- heart that still wants this man so much. Does it show on my face? At best he just… pities me.
But he’s just here on business. He’s a though man, after all. A fine police officer.
“Thank you, they were very prompt and have been clear on what they wish me to do, and I will not do anything against the instructions.” I stand up, wiping my hands on my apron as I stand up. “I’m grateful that you were able to arrange this.” Have I slept easier at night? Guards outside… do not soothe -that-. But at least the night of the day I had a brief moment in his arms… I slept.
I look down at the watering can, I still have the tubers and some of the greens to go. “Could you please fill that?” I ask. “Then, could you tell me how it went with Uramura-san? I’m sorry I put you in that position.” It’s still… embarrassing. All my words, my stupid speech… it was just an offer out of pity, meant to be turned down.
Saitou:
She assures me that she’ll cooperate. That’s -good-. I light a cigarette but no sooner have I lit up she’s asking me to fill the watering can. She asks about Uramura but I don’t immediately answer and fill the watering can as she asked and put it beside her.
“Then, could you tell me how it went with Uramura-san? I’m sorry I put you in that position.”
I don’t say anything about her latter statement. It doesn’t matter. So I address the prior. “I was debating whether to come here but in the end you should know what’s happening around you, so you can prepare.” She’ll be fine like she always is. I don’t even know why I stopped by, it’s obvious I’m not wanted here. I close my eyes for a minute to not let my mind run away.
Done I take a short puff. “Uramura had an interesting visitor, that Miyakawa. It was good that you left when you did, otherwise he’d have seen you. Somehow it got to him that you were working as a translator there and he was insisting to Uramura to assign you as an interpreter for some American delegation who -specifically- needed a woman interpreter. I offered myself however he seems rather fixated on you and even tried to convince Uramura to give your home address.”
I sigh and look to the side, “Uramura’s competent so he picked up on it and kept your address private.” Of course I had everything important in relation to her redacted in the police report. Still that wasn’t enough and his fixation on Hide must mean… But it doesn’t matter. I’ve already decided on his fate. “Uramura can be dependend on if you should require assistance in the immediate future. He takes his job seriously and is a friend of the Battousai.” Those are the people she can run to. Not that she didn’t already know that.
“Also Kawaji only agreed to have guards here because he believes you’ll have foreign visitors.” I look at her momentarily and shrug, “Sir Vincent and whatever tag-a-long. Must be another foreign gentleman as they’re wrapping up a tour around Japan. Though I don’t think you have much to worry about him.” Ashing my cigarette I continue, “He’s more of an annoyance but maybe he’ll break up the monotony of you being stuck in this house, until I can get back and dismiss them.” I nod over to one of the corner of the house where a glint of metal could be seen.
I’ve said what I needed to say I suppose so I turn to leave. I should’ve just sent a letter by courier. I wasn’t needed here.
(OOC Saitou will leave unless something else happens)
Putting on my hat, I turn slightly, touching the brim as a gesture of goodbye.
I knew better than to have come here, so I hurriedly leave out the gate. Idiot
(OOC: Saitou goes on to do his other mid-day “obligations”.)
I was debating whether to come here but in the end you should know what’s happening around you, so you can prepare
And he tells me more, about Miyakawa showing up just as I left, of his request… and I’m grateful that he’s keeping me informed. It makes the decision to stay at home and follow orders seem sensible.
“Uramura can be dependend on if you should require assistance in the immediate future. He takes his job seriously and is a friend of the Battousai.
I nod. And who else do I have to depend on? Who else will take care of me?
And something about Sir Vincent, but he then turns to leave…. and he’s leaving! I run after him, and catch him at the gate, the door open.
I go over to him, close. “You could have sent a letter. But you came. You came for a reason. I thought… that I’d never see you again, after the other day. That I was being too much trouble, breaking down, being needy…” I take another step, closer. Close enough to smell him, again.
I hold onto his back, turned now, to leave. Leave forever? Because I didn’t move fast enough, bound to this lummox who… -badly needs to be stabbed-?
“Don’t go. The night you held me was the first night I didn’t have nightmares… but it’s not just that. This house isn’t the same without you. The house you made for me – not the addition, but when you made it out of dreams. And I’ve not been the same. I need you… not just now, when there’s danger… I need you.” I let go of his back, and go in front of him.
I step up on my tip-toes, my face lifted up to his, in front of whoever’s passing in the street, the sword police, -whoever-. “I’m a mess, this house is a mess… I can’t do this without you. I never have, I’ve always been willful and I don’t -have- to be. I’m -tired- of it, and I need you. Hajime…” I then, finally, kiss him. Softly, tenderly, but I lean in… will he kiss me back? He will doubt my words, my conviction, -me-… but in our kisses have been truth, at least, at one time. We had another way of speaking, once…
If he wants to go, he can go. But he came for a reason. Something is still there. Maybe, just a thread. I’m not going to let it pass…..
I’ve made my way past the gate when I feel hands grab me from behind. She’s right I could’ve sent a letter and next time, I -will-. And to never see me again because she’s too much trouble,
too needy ? She’s right I wasn’t coming back here not anymore but not for those reasons.
And as for nightmares I’m taking care of that. Making a house of dreams into reality, well that was a long time ago. And the house is hers now and she can do whatever she pleases, like she’s always done.
I can’t do this without you. I never have, I’ve always been willful and I don’t -have- to be. I’m -tired- of it, and I need you. Hajime…
“You can do it.” And I never mind her willfullness. That was never the problem. But right after I utter those words her lips are on mine. And I’m -torn-, my earlier resolve to move on and -accept- seemingly appearing to vanish. He’d say I’m weak but I always allowed myself some freedom even if it’s just a spur of the moment. So I kiss her back fully knowing it changes nothing. I left for a reason after all and she has her reasons for doing what she does and i’d rather not know why anymore.
The world doesn’t disappear as if we’re the only ones in it. It doesn’t have that power anymore doesn’t it? I hear footsteps approach us.
“Madame, – please-. Even if you are with the Superintendent, you can’t be exposed like this. ”
Watanabe one of the men I chose, comes up and I take a step back just looking at her. Then I turn my attention to Watanabe, “Thank you. Good job.”
He says nothing to my words… but when I kiss him, he kisses me back. He stopped when I reached for him. There’s a reason, there’s a reason… I tell myself. Something flickers in me…
You can do it.
“But what if I… I need something else?” A hand to pick me up, arms to hold me, protect me? “Let me need you,” I say, quietly. “Let me trouble you.”
Madame, – please-. Even if you are with the Superintendent, you can’t be exposed like this.
I nod, and look at his shoulder for his rank. “Thank you, sergeant. You’ve taken such good care of my family.” I bow, and he backs off, discreetly.
“I should go back inside. You’ve done too much work to keep me safe…” I look at him. “But I’m also going where… we were able to talk, once. You didn’t close the box, the last vestige of where we came from, even though you -could-… so that’s where I’ll be. Please… come see me there?”
I turn to go somewhere else, free of guards and the danger they’re meant to guard me from. A free place.
(OOC – Hide goes inside, but also to chat)
Let me need you,” “Let me trouble you
The words come out from her like it’s meant but I’ve heard her utter those words just recently. What has changed so recently she’s able to make those statements?
She dismisses Watanabe to which the latter reluctantly goes back to his post. And she turns back to look at me. Mentioning that place one again. She’s right i didn’t close it. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not as thorough as i used to be. Or like what that mummy said I was unprepared.
that’s where I’ll be. Please… come see me there?”
“Hide… No. I won’t be going there.” There are more important things than whatever remains of us. She knows my weak spot and if I meet her there a place where all is forgiven or at least forgotten. And I come back here… it’s the same cycle over and over.
“Don’t wait for me. I can’t come…” I light a cigarette and I’m thankful my hands don’t shake. “I have important matters to attend to today. Take care of yourself. ” I leave not waiting for her to convince me otherwise.
(Ooc saitou exits this time)