Today I brought reading glasses, dragged in from another place… but it -is- helping. I suppose I am getting old, or just not used to reading this much. It took some doing to find some that were metal-framed and had thick lenses, like from this time… I also scraped my hair back a little tighter than usual. If I’m seen as a shameful divorced woman, maybe I can be seen as the cold fish, the scold. I am on the wrong side of forty, after all. And he did go to a younger woman… one he’s not living with.
She’s probably messing with me. Where else would he go? She just enjoys messing with me too much to give it up and uses -that- as some made-up excuse. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they were married, if that’s what she wants. He’d do it for her, the woman from his past, the one who got away… a bitter smile crosses my lips. I must sound like Tokio.
I tell myself to toughen up. To not thing about him, or her, or any of his other women right now. And my foolishness, imagining his sympathy after my first day… he’d probably tell me to toughen up if I want to be in this world, to stop being a -princess- and get over it.
I made it through the morning, through Asato-san’s nitpicking and glances from my unnamed coworkers, and found a bit of outside on the back of the precinct. Women aren’t allowed in the commissary, and, I found from the girl who brings tea (which is not free, and is another expense, like the streetcar, that I cannot indulge in), we can only use one washroom way up on the third floor… so she told me of this place, calling it the “Office Ladies’ Garden”, some women eat here. It’s hidden in a space between the boiler building and the stables, and has only a rough bench… but it’s somewhere, since eating at my desk is also forbidden. The overgrown bushes block some of the winter breeze, and I’m only shivering -a little-.
I can hear the noise from the sword practice grounds. Shinai, still, but someone is putting them through their paces. It’s familiar, at least, the sound of teaching and commanding and the thwack of bamboo against bamboo. I don’t have a watch so I listen for the bells from a nearby tower that mark the time.
If I get out on time… I’ll go see about getting Eiji-san’s address. I don’t want to break anymore promises.
(OOC – Hide is in an out-of-the-way space and wouldn’t be visible to anyone on a main pathway. Will move on if nobody comes by)
I’ve been waiting all morning! I even snuck upstairs to see if by some chance I missed him but he wasn’t there. His door was locked and I even knocked. He wouldn’t ignore a knock would he? So I’m now back downstairs going around the building wondering if I should try to follow the patrol route from yesterday…
But no. He’ll eventually turn up and it won’t do to keep walking around the building so I find an inconspicuous part of the TMPD hidden behind some bushes. It’s not exactly easy to see the entrance from here but if I can just position myself at a sharp angle I can…
But I’m not alone!
“Yagi-san?”
Shoot. I don’t want her to know what I’m up to.
“Fancy meeting you here.” I straighten up and keep one eye at the entrance. “I was just looking for some fresh air after all that research work the Chief is making me do.”
“Yagi-san?”
I hear a voice, a woman’s voice? I relax visibly when I see it’s Saya-san.
Fancy meeting you here. I was just looking for some fresh air after all that research work the Chief is making me do.
“Research work?” I say, noticing that her eyes keep darting out, looking for someone or looking to stay out of someone’s sight? There’s a lot of things I don’t know, but, between my brothers and my children, I know that -look-.
“I work here now, but, I would appreciate you keeping that to yourself,” I say, quietly. “And I suppose the person I’m trying to stay under the radar of is the same person you’re trying to keep an eye out for?”
“You work here?” I can’t hide my surprise. And she wants me to keep it to myself. I don’t answer that but instead ask,
“But why do you need to work?” I don’t add here of all places. It’s not just Hajime I’m worried about but the central police isn’t exactly known to be progressive at all. That’s why Hajime left me in Chief Toshio’s care.
And I suppose the person I’m trying to stay under the radar of is the same person you’re trying to keep an eye out for?”
I frown. I guess I’m caught. “Well yes.” I look towards the entrance again, “But I lost track of him last night and he’s late today.” Which is unlike him.
“You work here? But why do you need to work?
I nod. “Chief Uramura knew I speak and read English and they need a translator…” I shrug. “And I feel more… like I’m doing something besides getting a paycheck, working here.” As to her other question… “I have some property in Kyoto, and the house here… but I can’t rely on that. After all, how often does Kyoto get set on fire? Now that he’s gone, I have to protect the children’s futures.” I don’t want to make Hajime sound like he’s negligent… and while he did pay for this year at Futaba, the bill for the next year looms large and what about Ai-chan?
She frowns as I catch her. “Why, is he avoiding you?” I’m surprised that she was tracking him… but now Yuubo’s complaints make sense – she’s been following him. “He didn’t notice you following him?” His senses…. how could he miss her?
She tells me how she ended up getting the job and her reasons. I understand her reasoning but something in the way she said that…
“While I understand your reasoning to work, did you and he not work out the details of your separation?” I give up on trying to see if Hajime will come. If I miss him, I can try catching him when he goes “home” tonight, wherever his home is now.
“You may think it’s none of his business what you do now Yagi-san, but you working here may produce ramifications for both of you that you may not realize.” I can’t believe it. They are as far apart as Hajime eluded to.
How can two people who shared a past, lived the present and tried to fight for their future end up like this? And I think of the woman who was all over him last night. It’s so far gone, I suppose it doesn’t matter if I ask the question. “So this woman, Hajime’s been seeing. Her name is Aioi right? Do you know anything about her?”
“While I understand your reasoning to work, did you and he not work out the details of your separation?
I sigh, sitting back down as she tears her gaze away from the entrance. “It… deteriorated so quickly. It went from him talking about coming every weekend to see the children – which I agreed to – to… him saying goodbye to the children. This happened over the course of -days-, Saya-san… I thought we would work things out but he’s truly left the house. Saturday was meant to be… the last.” I lower my head. “I was throwing everything at trying to keep him from leaving that I didn’t think about… after.” And that’s how I find myself now. The energy of last week to -set- everything is now one of sustaining the grind of balancing a job and family, as the family dwindles to just the girls and I over time.
You may think it’s none of his business what you do now Yagi-san, but you working here may produce ramifications for both of you that you may not realize.
I smile a bit. “Not that long ago… he spoke of having me work here, once Ai-chan was born and settled. So when the offer came, out of the blue, to do so, I thought it was -right-, and that he’s the last person who would need to undertake the services of an English translator. And aside from the man who hired me, I did not reveal my connections to Hajime.” I shake my head. “I rescind my request for you to keep this secret; he’ll find out and have me out of here sooner or later.” It was bad of me to ask.
Then she asks about Aioi-san. I look at her with some surprise, how did he know her name? I hesitate in telling her anything, as she’s such a good friend to Hajime, who am I to be believed? That and… I once would keep these secrets.
“They go… way back. To the war, when she must have been rather young… she was a woman of Shimabara.” She was a virgin, after all. “It’s said he even stole money to free her, once, but I guess it ended when he went up north, and married his wives… but she’s back. I know she was around during his operation over the summer, but as an ally or just someone he ran into? And perhaps they were together during our breakup… they seems rather…,” I smile, grimly, “the sort that keep going back to each other.” I wrap up my uneaten lunch with shaking hands, and I’m such a mix of rage and sadness, a former lover tattling to another former lover about his current lover. “I keep running into her, it’s a rather… hostile situation. She claims that he’s not living with her, but…” I shrug and take a deep breath, to keep composed. “She’s been known to lie to me, before, that they were lovers when, at least at that point, they were not.”
Saya:
I’d ask her was it really just days? That’s not what I heard from him so…
“He told me he was struggling with it for some time, so much so that he had stayed in your tatami room for a month… Trying to figure out if he should leave.”
I wonder what was it that he didn’t find that eventually he decided to leave? But regardless, it’s done now.
“I was throwing everything at trying to keep him from leaving that I didn’t think about… after.”
“Alright. But now you -can- think about after.” I sigh.
Then she tells me about how Hajime spoke about her working at the TMPD? “He didn’t really mean that.” I tell her truthfully. “He may jest about it but he’s a conservative man Yagi-san. A man who believes that a woman’s place is taking care of his house, while he makes the provision for that house.” I think back to what happened with me, “Besides… He wouldn’t even let me join here, knowing how political and backward the Central police is. That’s how I ended up at the Kyoto Police. What more with you?”
“I rescind my request for you to keep this secret; he’ll find out and have me out of here sooner or later.”
I simply look back at her. I almost feel sorry for everything I guess. “Do you really want him to find out from someone else?” I let out a breath, resigning my position. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.” I know him. He’ll try to get her removed, so she’s right in that. But I suppose this is what happened to them. Something so simple as just talking about what the other wants to do or needs, was difficult and probably impossible. He’s not exactly someone easy to speak to. He drove me crazy some days, when he was extra quiet as if I didn’t even exist.
She tells me about the woman he’s been keeping. This “Aioi”. I -knew- it. A woman from Shimabara. I’ve only heard of their legend, by the time it was our turn, we were nothing more like common prostitutes. But there were those Oiran or even Tayu, whose legend go back into the Edo era. “So he knew her? I guess that explains why she called him Mibu no Ookami-sama.”
but she’s back. I know she was around during his operation over the summer, but as an ally or just someone he ran into? And perhaps they were together during our breakup… they seems rather…,” I smile, grimly, “the sort that keep going back to each other.”
“So they work together…” I say thoughtfully. He’s never been shy of using a woman to get the job done. In fact a woman was necessary because fallible men are always weak against guileful women. Is this what he meant when he told me he -needed- Aioi? Yagi-san could never fill that role nor would he want her to.
“I keep running into her, it’s a rather… hostile situation. She claims that he’s not living with her, but…” “She’s been known to lie to me, before, that they were lovers when, at least at that point, they were not.”
I watch as Yagi-san wraps up her lunch with shaking hands. She has a right to be angry I suppose. “He’s not living with her. Not from what I saw.” But as for being lovers? He may have. After all he used to with me, until he decided it was to be Yagi-san. And I understood so I stepped aside, but only after it was very clear it could never work out between us. But this Aioi, the way she hung onto him last night… And how she stayed looking at his back, long after he’s gone – doesn’t sound like a woman who will step aside. I watch Yagi-san again, she’s angry at him. He’s not going to stop seeing the woman from his past, he probably does in fact care for this Aioi… And Yagi-san is at the point of not speaking to him about anything. And I wonder, maybe this is their fate?
Still I give her one last piece of information. She can do with it what she wants. “I think this woman Aioi, cares for him Yagi-san.” And knowing that idiot, that maybe the most dangerous thing of all.
He told me he was struggling with it for some time, so much so that he had stayed in your tatami room for a month… Trying to figure out if he should leave.
“Yes, and all we did then was argue,” I tell her. “He was already withdrawing from me…” I look at the stone wall of the boiler room that we’re behind. “I… he wanted me to be awake and waiting, one night, when he came home from work. Not that he said that, no… but he needed it, and I… wasn’t awake or waiting, -I should have known better-. And from there… the day of my kidnapping, that afternoon, we had a fight in his office about him wanting to go. So it had been building, and… we had something, after I was recovered, but that too passed, and we were where we were before.” I fought so hard to keep him in the house. Because if he left, I knew… it was over.
Alright. But now you -can- think about after.
“I don’t even know where he is, just where he isn’t – our home or the machiya where Aioi is. Maybe back to a flophouse in Yoshiwara? Or… if he’s supporting her well enough to buy her kimono,” it’s hard to keep the bitterness out of my voice, at the memory of her flaunting his gift, “he can’t be staying anywhere… respectable.” But then it hits me… I know one way to find him.
He didn’t really mean that.
I frown, but not at her. Then why did he -say- something like that? He’s done that before, spun up a plan and then… nothing. How am I to understand him if he says things he doesn’t mean? I understand that’s what he does… I look at her, a woman who’s adapted well to work. “I was raised to be a housewife and mother, and I don’t resent being that. If he was going to risk his life saving Japan… then I could support him. I never felt trapped by home and family.” Another did, I know, but that was -her-. Why does he give me her resentments? I’m not ambitious. I would help where needed, such as if he were sincere about wanting me to work with him, to support him… but I just wanted to make a home for him and the people he loved.
“Perhaps he was willing, on some basis, under his protection?” I shake my head. “The person I’ve been assigned to… well, it’s not a very friendly environment.” But all of that is moot, now. It’ll be over, soon enough. What foolish, prideful dreams I had of being useful, of protecting our children’s futures.
He’s not living with her. Not from what I saw
I look at her, alarmed. “You’ve been following him, and you were able to get -that- close?” She must understand, she knows him. “Without him noticing? Or caring? That’s… not like him at all. And if he’s that unaware, what else is he letting past him? Where else is he slipping, not caring about his surroundings?
I think this woman Aioi, cares for him Yagi-san.
I’m quiet at that. “In what way? I don’t think… she wants -good- for him. The old story, that he stole for her and bought her freedom – then why is she back in her old profession – she was in Yoshiwara in some way. I know it’s said that some women have a hard time getting out…” I sigh. “But any way, as he is now, she can’t hold onto him.”
“He is a man who is always willing to walk away” I ask. “From friends and organizations, from women and the families he made with them?” I look at her. “I don’t want to accept that it’s his fate, to be… alone and wandering, with only a passing woman to warm his bed. He’s a difficult man, a flawed man, but… I still love him. He doesn’t think, now, that I ever loved him, yet, only 100 days ago we were so connected it was as if… he could -feel- my labor pains.” Quietly, I add. “I have to figure out… how to make him know that he he doesn’t have to walk away.” Is this what seems to be sapping him of his senses, his will?
“But even if I -can- speak to him… I can’t go in like I usually do, like a pleased child, announcing my take on the solution of a mystery. It can’t be with speeches, it can’t be with kisses. What will he understand? I’ve been told the nebulous concepts of “surrender” and “action” are the key… but how?”
Saya:
She tells me of one fateful night where she wasn’t there and apparently he needed her. I find it hard to believe that all this is because of one incident. “Yagi-san, do you think of Hajime as a reasonable man?” I shake my head, “If you were to ask me, that night was probably the height of whatever issue you two had. A straw that broke the camel’s back as they say in the west.”
She’s so bitter as she complains about not knowing where he is and yet immediately assumes that he’s holed up in some disgraceful place. “You said it yourself, Aioi lies to you. So are you sure he bought her the kimono you are talking about… And even if he did…” I don’t really want to tell her too much about what Hajime and I used to do. “Back then, he would buy me kimono or anything else I needed really, so I can carry out whatever it was that was needed.”
She frowns more as I tell her the truth about Hajime saying things. And that she was raised to be a housewife and mother and that she was supporting him. “But didn’t you just tell me that the one night he needed you, you weren’t there?” It’s my turn to look away, remembering the past. “Sometimes he says things, he doesn’t mean. Little white lies because it made me happy.”
“Perhaps he was willing, on some basis, under his protection?” “The person I’ve been assigned to… well, it’s not a very friendly environment.”
“Maybe. But you didn’t ask him… and I suppose now you don’t have to tell him, you get to keep your job and protect your children.” And it’s clearer and clearer to me what’s caused this breakdown in their relationship. It wasn’t that Yagi-san was truly at any fault, but that she was careless and didn’t seem to know or understand what a man like him needs.
She seems surprised that I was able to follow him? I used to be a spy and a pretty good one at that. But then again… I think back to that night and realize… “He didn’t have a sword when he left Aioi’s last night.” I say mostly to myself. But why? He didn’t seem that intoxicated. Now I really have to make sure…
“In what way? I don’t think… she wants -good- for him. The old story, that he stole for her and bought her freedom – then why is she back in her old profession – she was in Yoshiwara in some way. I know it’s said that some women have a hard time getting out…” I sigh. “But any way, as he is now, she can’t hold onto him.”
“She looked at his back when he left and stood there much longer after he’s gone.” I look at Yagi-san, “I think if Aioi wanted to harm him, she could’ve done it at any time in one of his previous missions. It’s rather easy Yagi-san to betray someone in our line of work.” But she seems certain that Aioi can’t hold onto Hajime. “But there’s no need to.” Just like I think she didn’t need to hold onto him. He’s always chosen so freely.
I don’t want to accept that it’s his fate, to be… alone and wandering, with only a passing woman to warm his bed. He’s a difficult man, a flawed man, but… I still love him. “I have to figure out… how to make him know that he he doesn’t have to walk away.
And it’s there again. What I think the problem was all along. “You’re so convinced that he needs saving…” I sigh, “If it was me Yagi-san, I’d walk away too. I suppose one can call it pride.” And I suspect in his case, a lot of it. I smile sadly a little, “You said you were raised to be housewife right? It’s probably too late but did you ever let him feel like he’s actually the head of the house?” Because right now all I kept hearing from Yagi-san was she kept doing things, but were they things he asked for?
. What will he understand? I’ve been told the nebulous concepts of “surrender” and “action” are the key… but how?”
“I don’t know Yagi-san. But I do know that if you can’t at least talk to him about this job then the concepts of surrender and action are moot.”
I look outside again and as if by the devil, I see Hajime walk up to the entrance and go inside. I’m tempted to go to him first but… “He’s back. Let me know if you want to speak to him, otherwise I’ll go and meet him.” Because I see he still doesn’t have his damn sword and he seems to have gotten himself in trouble last night.
Yagi-san, do you think of Hajime as a reasonable man? If you were to ask me, that night was probably the height of whatever issue you two had. A straw that broke the camel’s back as they say in the west
I nod, he is, -mostly-. And are the things I see as unreasonable just me… reacting?
She explains away the kimono, but she didn’t see that woman preening, rubbing it in my face. But she’s… she’s not -the- problem. Maybe she was meant to be, once. She’s just a part of the bigger problem.
Sometimes he says things, he doesn’t mean. Little white lies because it made me happy.
“That’s not honest, either, just as I worked and tried to shield him from feeling bad,” I say. Denying my own disappointments, or making some things too easy… “If we’re supposed to be together, we should at least be… honest.”
But you didn’t ask him… and I suppose now you don’t have to tell him, you get to keep your job and protect your children.
“It’s too late, but… I need to tell him,” I look at her. “And when he tells me that this isn’t what he wants me to do… I’ll leave this job. In my pride… I thought that this was only about me.”
Then Saya-san explains about her view on Aioi-san and… does she really care for him? In how she confronts me, she’s showing me that she’s willing to fight, and use her claws, too. Because I’m certain that I’m -fun- to toy with, why expound all of that energy if she didn’t care or, on the other side, was secure in her place?
You’re so convinced that he needs saving… If it was me Yagi-san, I’d walk away too. I suppose one can call it pride.
He needed me, once, long ago. And my ego… my own needs, to be needed… made me feel like I was some all-powerful… saint of love, I suppose. Perfect and all-forgiving, ready to embrace the sinner and tend to him, at the cost of adoring glances and… his own diminishment. A man has pride, even if he has -needs-.
You said you were raised to be housewife right? It’s probably too late but did you ever let him feel like he’s actually the head of the house?
I smile at bit, at an old memory that resurfaces. “Once… after he came home this summer, we spent some time going over the household books, talking about how to afford the doctor’s bill for rhe baby… and how attuned we seemed. He told me things he’d never told me before, in just opening up the books…” I shake my head. After, we made love… how much of that happened because of what we had shared before that? Talking about problems of the household with Namuzawa’s visit, the running of the house… did the intimacy start that day with more mundane things? Things that I overlooked?
He’s back. Let me know if you want to speak to him, otherwise I’ll go and meet him.
I follow her eyes to see him going inside, and oh… he’s injured. It takes a lot to keep me from running after him, to heal him and cosset him…
He’s back. Let me know if you want to speak to him, otherwise I’ll go and meet him.
What to say? What to say? To her, to him, to all of this? Is this still what I want? Maybe my dream was shallow, and unrealistic. Or just didn’t take him, as the man he -is-, into account.
“I’m going to go and talk to him,” I say. I hand her my bento. “It’s a nice lunch, if you’d like it.” I don’t want to come in bearing food. He didn’t love me, after all, because I could cook.
(OOC – Hide exits, you may closed)
I’m not sure but little by little it seems that Yagi-san is understanding where I’m coming from? I’m not him of course but I like to think I know how his mind works because we were close once.
“It’s too late, but… I need to tell him,” I look at her. “And when he tells me that this isn’t what he wants me to do… I’ll leave this job. In my pride… I thought that this was only about me.”
I nod. “You should tell him you want to keep the job, if that’s what you want.” Would he be reasonable though? I hope so.
She smiles as she tells me of a memory of the household, something as mundane as going over the books. “He probably felt that he had contributed to the house. But Yagi-san don’t let him just be a participant to play the role you’ve made up for him.” If she wants a house with him she needs to know him better… Rather than him playing along until he didn’t want to anymore. Still he could’ve done this a little better I think, than just upping and leaving just like that…
I’m going to go and talk to him,” “It’s a nice lunch, if you’d like it.”
“Yeah I’m famished after going around Tokyo looking for him.” But he’s here now and I wonder will anything change for the better…
(OOC: Close)