I make breakfast for Ueda-sama, while Hajime passes on any food and goes outside. “I hope you weren’t disturbed last night,” I say, quietly, sitting down next to Ueda-sama at the table.
I had looked outside while cooking, and it’s overcast. Will it snow again?
Ueda:
“Thank you for breakfast.” I say to Yagi-san.
I hope you weren’t disturbed last night
“Sadly it was very quiet.” I was awake and had wondered how they’d manage but it seems nothing had progressed in either case. “I suppose most nights will be like this from now on.”
He thanks me for breakfast.
Sadly it was very quiet. I suppose most nights will be like this from now on
“He was out drinking with his old friend, Kanbee-san,” I say, quietly. “He managed to drag Hajime home, and he promptly passed out.” I take a sip of tea. “However, I’ve asked him to show me some things in Aizu,” I tell him.
I don’t want to tell him my ideas about today. “I’m still trying, Ueda-sama, to not let this all fade away.” There’s something still there. I see it flash, briefly, in his eyes, like when I brushed his bangs back this morning. “But in his sleep last night he went… I could smell the smoke of that place.” I shake my head. He may not understand, even if he is aware of things.
Ueda:
I’m still trying, Ueda-sama, to not let this all fade away.”
Is she? I know him. That doggedness which allowed him to live through many hardship but it’s that same doggedness that can be his undoing. Yet does she understand his kind at all?
“I don’t know what you’ve tried. But perhaps there’s been -something- he didn’t completely reject? I know he is the type where it is all or nothing, a man who doesn’t compromise.” I wonder what it would take from Yagi-san, could she surrender fully? Or is she also like him, unbending especially if he’s the one who’s done her wrong?
“I don’t know what you’ve tried. But perhaps there’s been -something- he didn’t completely reject? I know he is the type where it is all or nothing, a man who doesn’t compromise.
I think back. All I can see, looking back, is rejection. He’s not rejected the girls, but I fear as he is now, he’d say something like, oh, they’ll be fine with Hide. What am I to you Hide? Beyond just sharing the children, a home. They’re important, and the way I ran away from it all, twice now… shows my miscalculations.
“There was a night… the night before he… tried to take his own life. I tried to give him up. I thought if I loved him, and he was so unhappy, that I needed to let him go. After all, he’s bigger than me, than this place. All I could see was the pain, his hurts, and how I made it happen… so shouldn’t I give him up?” I blink, “I wanted to tell him, to go and live. Go back before me, to find someone – a version of Tokio, even… but I couldn’t be that giving, to let him go with all of my heart. I couldn’t let him go so I did it all -terribly-, and…. that’s when he started wrapping things up. But that night… he slept in our tatami room, and I went in. We shared songs, one kiss… and until last night, it was the last night we spent together. By all rights he should have ordered me out. Even though the next morning he was moving on with his plans… that night, for those hours, he didn’t reject me.” I close my eyes.
That kiss was so… free. Simple. No -goal- behind it, but deeply meant all the same. The last time I would say that happened, was that afternoon in the rain, when I pushed him to the ground because of a noise I heard.
It was so freely given. It… seemed like our old days.
“He’s still here, and that’s been some… hope to me. But just barely, even though he knows there’s no -need- to wrap things up. He could make it all over, in an instant. Yet… this isn’t living for him, is it? It’s… a half-life, and I’m not talking about his state. But this… living just to die.” I look over at Ueda-sama. “His life means more than that.”
Ueda:
All I could see was the pain, his hurts, and how I made it happen… so shouldn’t I give him up?”
I sigh deeply, “Yagi-san, what do you think a man who choses to try again wants after he’s been twice denied that thing that he wanted?” I hold the tea cup in my hand feeling the warmth. “When my daughter thought it was a good idea for them to separate to give way to the Takagi’s, he opposed it initially. Somehow he eventually accepted his new situation as Tokio’s husband but in the end she too cast him away… like Yaso did.”
I wanted to tell him, to go and live. Go back before me, to find someone – a version of Tokio, even… but I couldn’t be that giving, to let him go with all of my heart.
“Another Tokio would only be possible if he forgot everything, but even if this someone was Tokio…” I look at her, “I’d prefer it, -if- you’re not up to it.” Which means I’d accept his complete lost of memories even the ones with my daughter.
It’s not impossible for him to forget, there’s an old tale that the reason the dead doesn’t come back is because they forget their life with the living. But if possible, I’d like for him not to die even if it means he gets to live in the after life. I wonder what is that smoke she referred to earlier?
But that night… he slept in our tatami room, and I went in. We shared songs, one kiss… and until last night, it was the last night we spent together.
I listen wondering who started the kiss but that may have been a while ago and so I ask, “And what happened last night?” Did she try to capture the precious few moments truly or simply waited?
“He’s still here, and that’s been some… hope to me. But just barely,…. But this… living just to die.. His life means more than that.”
“Is it? He doesn’t seem to think much of his life lately.” I let go of the cup, “He could end it at an instant. I think he’s maybe finally realizing that. If there’s nothing here for him.” In either case, I hope he comes to a decision soon for both their sakes.
“Living just to die? I have faith that even if he goes down that path that his life has not been wasted.” He always hated waste in all things. He threw his life away once, I hope he’s learned from that if he’s here now. He told me once, nothing happens without a step forward. What will you do now Goro?
Yagi-san, what do you think a man who choses to try again wants after he’s been twice denied that thing that he wanted?” I hold the tea cup in my hand feeling the warmth. “When my daughter thought it was a good idea for them to separate to give way to the Takagi’s, he opposed it initially. Somehow he eventually accepted his new situation as Tokio’s husband but in the end she too cast him away… like Yaso did.
I think about his question. I think back to the man I met, not just the one that flirted with me and bedded me. But the one who told me his troubles, his disappointments – ones that would not have been so hard had he not -hoped- that this Tokio was going to be the one for him. The light of his galaxy. And then the man who hurt me, manipulated me, when he just needed me to be beside him, and not waiting in the shadows.
“He kept coming back to me. And… later, dismissed them as not mattering, or in the past. But he felt it all. Had he just wanted fun and companionship, he could have had it. But… he endures… no matter what.” I
Another Tokio would only be possible if he forgot everything, but even if this someone was Tokio… I’d prefer it, -if- you’re not up to it.
“I thought I had to be perfect to deserve him, even more so when he called me back,” I say, in a low voice. Ashamed at that assumption. “But that was wrong. Perfect isn’t… life. Not really living. Life will have… everything, if it’s to have meaning.” And in loving him only in one way, insisting that it was for the best… it wasn’t, not really.
And what happened last night?
I feel some impatience from Ueda-sama. Was I supposed to rouse a man dead to the world, who drank himself into that state… probably to avoid me? And I have to fight off the sudden feeling of drowning again, falling beneath the waves… I look at Ueda-sama to disappoint him with my answer.
“He was passed out, so I stayed, and that’s when I realized, he was dreaming of a place that’s on the edge of this world and the next,” I say. “He was murmuring… about ghosts. I asked him… if it was her,” I recall. “It’s then he woke, and for a minute, when I brushed his hair back… and for a moment…. in his eyes…” I let out a breath. “I missed that moment.”
Is it? He doesn’t seem to think much of his life lately. He could end it at an instant. I think he’s maybe finally realizing that. If there’s nothing here for him.”
I nod. “Yes. He could. But his life wasn’t wasted, either way. But… I’d rather he have more of it. And have it be… the life he wants. Not one lived by halves. But something real.” However much I want it to be with me… will I know what to do? Or will I look at him, and only see my failures? Or can I see what’s still there, and what can be?
Ueda:
“He kept coming back to me. And… later, dismissed them as not mattering, or in the past. But he felt it all. Had he just wanted fun and companionship, he could have had it. But… he endures… no matter what.”
And I wonder if even now Goro endures but I sense him waking up or at least not ignoring the reality. It’s not my place to say but his and so I simply nod my head.
“But that was wrong. Perfect isn’t… life. Not really living. Life will have… everything, if it’s to have meaning.”
“A life lived should be what one determines one wants. If you’ve always dreamed of a perfect home life, perhaps there is nothing wrong with that.” After all Yagi-san strikes me as one who may have had a sheltered life, for the most part. Kyoto may have been a center of war but it wasn’t ravaged like the Northern lands. What did Goro offer her, that they ended up together?
“He was murmuring… about ghosts. I asked him… if it was her,” I recall. “It’s then he woke, and for a minute, when I brushed his hair back… and for a moment…. in his eyes…” I let out a breath. “I missed that moment.”
I nod. “It sounds like it. You were focusing on some ghost? Instead of the one in front of you.”
I’d rather he have more of it. And have it be… the life he wants. Not one lived by halves. But something real.”
Does she really? And the life he wants, I feel has now changed.
“Done catching up?” I turn towards the direction of his voice. I see his shadow block the door. “I’ve been to Kanbee’s and back and you too are still talking.”
So different yet still the same. “I was enjoying my time with Yagi-san. We may not have a chance to speak later.” I try to read him but I get nothing.
“Well she has a choice, I can return the horse and wagon back so you two can chatter away or I suppose she can get on the horse and I’ll have to drive.”
A life lived should be what one determines one wants. If you’ve always dreamed of a perfect home life, perhaps there is nothing wrong with that
I smile a bit. “No, perfect isn’t my dream. It’s never what I knew. After all those years apart, I got it in my head… that it had to be perfect. That I had to be perfect, and -good-… and if I was enough, I wouldn’t lose him again,” I bow my head. “I fear loss so much… I don’t see what I had.” I look back up at him. “I’m tired of living like that, dreading… in fear. I want to be able to live, too, freely… to see the blue sky with him. To hope again, and not… in a fool’s way, with my eyes closed.”
It sounds like it. You were focusing on some ghost? Instead of the one in front of you.
I nod. We have so few moments left… and I suppose I wanted her to point out the way to me. But I can’t rely on ghosts for favors. He’s still in the land of the living, so… no magical help.
Then Hajime is there, he had actually left while I spoke with Ueda-sama. “Thank you, Ueda-sama. Hajime, let me get my boots and cloak,” I say. I’m to… ride a horse?
Hajime:
She goes and gets her stuff. I leave the old man to his devices. I could ask, I suppose what was such engaging conversation but that’s fine. I’m here to drive her around.
I go back to the horse and give it some water. After that I lower the step at the back, that’ll help her get into and out of the wagon hopefully without too much trouble.
It doesn’t seem that he eavesdropped at all, or has any interest in what Ueda-sama and I had to say to each other.
Instead of helping me in directly, he lowers a step. “Please,” I say, holding out my hand, and I look over at him. “My ankle is better, but this is still a steep step.”
“I don’t think our first stop is far, but I don’t know if it was destroyed, but I guess the site is still there. I’d like to see the Buddha Hall you fought at.”
She request some help so I take her hand as she gets on the wagon. After she gets on I retract the steps and put up the box roa securing it with a bolt. then I walk over to the front side and hoist myself up on the front seat.
“I don’t think our first stop is far, but I don’t know if it was destroyed, but I guess the site is still there. I’d like to see the Buddha Hall you fought at.”
Of all the places she wants to see Buddha hall? But I make no protest. “It’s not far from here since we’re already in the outskirts and Southwest from here is Nyoraidou.” It wasn’t the place I had in mind of showing her but I wasn’t planning anything. I only thought of somewhere in case she just wanted to sight see.
I bid the horse to move and in a short while we’re in a trot. Maybe she wants an opportunity to see what her old friends the Shinsengumi did up in Aizu? More than in Kyoto where the Shinsengumi were feared, in Aizu… There was a change of sentiment for those who remained.
It’s not far from here since we’re already in the outskirts and Southwest from here is Nyoraidou.
It’s a rural area, wooded, as we leave the farms and smallholdings on the outskirts of the town. The horse moves quickly on the road.
“So this was the last stand of the Shinsengumi. I heard some of it, mostly from my brother. Other than Shimada-san, those who followed to the end… the few that lived didn’t come back to Kyoto to visit.” I look over at him. “It’s said that you had nearly three hundred with you, then, after parting with Hijikata-san.”
We then come to a clearing, and is that it, up ahead? “I heard your title here was Taichou. But what name did you carry here? Still Yamaguchi Jiro, or back to Saitou?”
It’s strange to go to an actual place where he came close to death. Usually, for us, it happens in less regular spaces.
“It’s said that you had nearly three hundred with you, then, after parting with Hijikata-san.”
“The three hundred was the number of soldiers I commanded while Hijikata-san was injured and left the battlefield.” I sigh, “Only 13 men was left by the time the fighting came here. That was the same men who decided to stay when Ootori decided to head up north to Sendai where Hijikata-san was after the fall of Bonari pass.”
We get to a clearing, surrounded by fields and small structure in the back. “Shimada was fighting 8 miles up north in Koishikawa. I heard he tried to come down here but it was impossible and so he headed to Sendai as well.”
“I heard your title here was Taichou. But what name did you carry here? Still Yamaguchi Jiro, or back to Saitou?”
I don’t answer her question and stop the horse. I unbolt the box rod and fix the steps so she can get out. I hold out my hand so she doesn’t have to ask anymore for support. It is after all my shortcomings that made her the way she is now.
“Get off. You can see for yourself and read for yourself.” I nod over to a small cenotaph that read “Hijikata Toshizou Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi came to aid Aizu with hundreds of soldiers defending Shirokawa and Bonari pass. Here in Nyoraidou, 13 Shinsengumi died fighting valiantly including the Taichou Jirou Yamaguchi.”
After she got off I light a cigarette and look across the fields. It’s not planting season so everything is dry. Back then it was all mud.
OOC: Nyoraido
I look around. “It’s so small. Somehow, I imagined it to have been larger. But that’s probably because I thought it was more than thirteen.”
It’s early yet and the fields are dry and empty, with harvest long over in this part of Japan.
“I remember hearing about this, about your death.” I say, “that the Shinsengumi banner had fallen.” But how did I feel? By then… just -numb-. Everyone was dying, and the Shinsengumi were branded as the murders of the hero Sakamoto Ryoma instead of the guardians of Kyoto, which created trouble for the Yagi family. “I asked Shimada-san, about your ‘death’, and he just shook his head and told me, that’s what he supposes, that’s what he was told.” I sigh. That well-connected man probably knew the truth, and what would have been the point in telling me?
Yet I asked. Saitou Hajime lingered in my mind like a song I couldn’t forget, the sort where you don’t know all of the words so your mind runs through it, over and over again, to figure out the lines… long after Souji was a sanitized, sainted memory, the mystery of the one man who left the Shinsengumi yet returned remained.
That mystery remained when I saw him when I through peeked into the Wilderness, seeing Fujita Goro… I found out that the 3rd captain lived. Thrived, even, in that job that defined him, with a loving wife and children at home to support him… although it wasn’t long until I found out that that assumption about his life wasn’t entirely correct.
He helps me off, impersonally, and indicates the cenotaph.
I read it carefully. Yamaguchi Jiro fell, the Taichou. “That the army came after so small a band of men… no wonder they thought you all dead. How did you make it?” Another one of his life or death battles, and I can only imagine how badly he must have been hurt – he wouldn’t have left the other twelve.
Lightly, my fingertips touch the stone, with his name there. The same kanji, of course, that is outside of our house. “Is that when you changed your name, after surviving this?”
“When you leave the majority of the men who was used to a demon commander, to a mere substitute that’s how your forces get decimated.” I can’t help but say…
“that the Shinsengumi banner had fallen.”
I smoke. The banner did fall not far from here. The one that held it… I draw a long drag on my cigarette. I probably should not have let him leave, maybe he’d have had a chance holed up in that hell of a shrine…
“That the army came after so small a band of men… no wonder they thought you all dead. How did you make it?”
I look down on the ground. How did I? “On the bodies of men who didn’t make it.” I say, “and a chainmail that wouldn’t come off.”
I go over to the cenotaph and read what’s written there. It’s been a while since I came here, actually not since they poured the concrete to make the sign.
“Is that when you changed your name, after surviving this?”
“The Taichou is in fact dead. Hijikata-san had been giving many different titles to those who led the squads and he himself never took Kondou-san’s title. I suppose there would never be another one for him.” I click my tongue a little and let out a sigh, “I changed my name to Ichinose Depanchi after Kanbee and I surrendered because they already knew both of my aliases.” That no one in Aizu after the war blew my cover eventhough I changed it one more time to Fujita, is a testament to the loyalty of the people here. Something that Tsutomu sensed that I forgot or perhaps took forgranted.
I look out to the fields again and blink. I can almost hear their shouting, Umedo wailing. “You know that there weren’t just 13 who died here? Another group of men died in that field trying to escape. I gave them orders to run to that side the flag bearer and few others who would not be able to fight well but I didn’t realize the western army had already surrounded the area. I looked after him as long as I could since he saved me at Miura’s but then I send him and the others off in the wrong direction to be slaughtered while keeping the best fighting men with me -here-.”
In hindsight, it seemed almost cowardly. Hijikata-san would never have done that. I rub my chin for a moment and take the cigarette out of my mouth. “Why are you doing this Hide?” Of all the places to go sight-seeing… Why here?
When you leave the majority of the men who was used to a demon commander, to a mere substitute that’s how your forces get decimated.
I look over at him. “You all did what you had to do, I was told. The one thing I got out of Shimada-san was that after Toba-Fushimi, after Kondou-san was lost, that there were no good options for the Shinsengumi.” So they pressed on, north, into more and more desperate situations. Nobody knew what would happen. That some, like Hajime and a few others, would be welcome into the new government, their past “sins” of being on the wrong side forgotten in order to make use of them. Or that others, like Shimada-san or my family, would be left to obscurity once the world started moving on to the “New Japan”.
But I know the reassurances, coming from me, count for little as he smokes and looks away.
On the bodies of men who didn’t make it. And a chainmail that wouldn’t come off.
I look over at that humble little temple, now sitting a little neglected yet quiet, wondering about that day. Not a day of Shinsengumi glory, but, one of legend nonetheless. Of the fall of one of the last captains… the one who stayed.
The Taichou is in fact dead. Hijikata-san had been giving many different titles to those who led the squads and he himself never took Kondou-san’s title. I suppose there would never be another one for him. I changed my name to Ichinose Depanchi after Kanbee and I surrendered because they already knew both of my aliases.
I can see that, of Hijikata-san. The most loyal to Kondou-san, even as so many others grumbled and complained and lost faith. Of course he would never take that man’s title, nor grant it to another. “Taichou” being an unusual one. Seeing the kanji on the pillar…. and then Hajime tells me how he became his next name. “Didn’t some in Aizu, at least the leadership, know who you were?”
He looks out to the field and he blinks, and… I can still feel it, the pain in what goes unspoken. There’s enough of our old tie left to at least sense that, as we once could. Then, he tells me – that he sent some men to the field we both keep staring at. Men who ended up dying anyway. I looked after him as long as I could since he saved me at Miura’s but then I send him and the others off in the wrong direction to be slaughtered while keeping the best fighting men with me -here-.
“What was his name? Your loyal bannerman?” I ask. Does he feel that his command was wrong? How would he know that he was surrounded?
Why are you doing this Hide?
I step closer, just enough to reach out and take his hand. “Not to hurt you. Although asking you to tell me this stories, and others like it, may require that.” I look out across the field. “I want to understand the deaths you’ve faced, so I can understand your life. To understand you.” Life or death battles, I’ve always thought, do something to a man. To cheat death is to pay a price. This time he traded not just a name, a title, an identity, but the burden of having lived when so many others did not.
There’s something else, on this day, that I wish to understand about this man.
“You all did what you had to do, I was told. The one thing I got out of Shimada-san was that after Toba-Fushimi, after Kondou-san was lost, that there were no good options for the Shinsengumi.”
“Heh so now he lives in seclusion in that temple.” I add. What a waste of talent but Shimada was the most loyal. Fought everyone off until the very bitter end.
She gives the temple a passing glance. I guess it’s not much to look at and certainly a place one shouldn’t have been caught holed up in but in this place where everything is -flat- and exposed it was the only place for shelter.
“What was his name? Your loyal bannerman?”
“Umedo Shinichiro and he wasn’t really a banner man. He was more like Shimada.” For a moment I hesitate to tell her another story but I decide that Umedo’s bravery deserves to be known. “Immediately after coming back from the Goryo Eiji, Jirou Yamaguchi was tasked to protect Miura who was the owner of a large store in Kyoto because he was accused of funding the assassination of Sakamato. I had 7 men but we were outnumbered that night so we had to fight in the dark. I was caught with my back exposed to the enemy as I tried to fight off the three in front…” I click my tongue again, “I got slashed in the back but Umedo was able to pull back the Shishi and hold him down. The ahou wouldn’t let the shishi go and so he was slashed and stabbed all over by the enemy and after that he couldn’t fight anymore. I felt I owed him a debt of gratitude so I assigned him to a non-combatant position in my troop.”
“Not to hurt you. Although asking you to tell me this stories, and others like it, may require that.” “I want to understand the deaths you’ve faced, so I can understand your life. To understand you.”
She takes my hand and my first instinct is to pull it away. I know she’s not trying to hurt me, that’s believable after all she would never willingly hurt anyone. Unlike me who kills. But her reason for wanting to know, to understand me. I’d tell her like a broken record, it’s too late for me or her or us. Slowly I let her hand go.
“Where to next? There’s not much here.” Maybe we can still go back to Tokyo in the afternoon train.
Heh so now he lives in seclusion in that temple
I’ve met many of the surviving Shinsengumi. Some moved on, some didn’t. It’s unfair to Shimada-san to say that he couldn’t move on. But I think for him, he will always be serving Kondou-san and Hijikata-san. The man I’m here with now serves justice, and that’s bound to no one leader or army.
He tells me about Umedo Shinichiro, I think I remember the name from a list… and as Hajime refers to his past self in third person. As if Yamaguchi Jiro was not him. He speaks of being slashed in the back… which scar would that be?
I go to the temple, which, like many Buddhist temples in this new era, is shabby. Perhaps the people of Aizu resist these purges as well. The washing basin is bone-dry, and there’s no incense or much of anything to do this properly, but a small statue remains… I silently bow my head and offer my thanks to Umedo Shinichiro … another one Hajime owes his life to, along with Kanbee-san.
He doesn’t let go of my hand, right away, as I thought he would. I feel… wrong for having caused him to bring this up, but if I can’t understand him for us, I’ll learn about him for himself.
Where to next? There’s not much here.
“I have two, maybe three more places I’d like to see.” I look at him as I walk to the wagon. “You told me once, you came to Aizu with your father. Is there a place he would take you, when he didn’t have to attend to his duties? I’d like to go there.”
She bows in front of the statue. Hide was not one who was devout, at least not that I’ve seen. As for me I can not be one with the Buddha after all my actions go against the teachings.
“You told me once, you came to Aizu with your father. Is there a place he would take you, when he didn’t have to attend to his duties? I’d like to go there.”
My brows furrow at this request. I don’t understand why she’s doggedly asking about my past. My ask from before no longer applies though I know -he- would probably be giddy at her interest. But only that fool would deceive himself into thinking something has changed when in fact nothing has except for a whiff of desperation.
I shrug, “Yusuke would only come here to Aizu when summoned by the elders. Since they were always sending men in expeditions, they would from time to time run out of instructors.” I let out a breath and mumble, “Get on the wagon -Princess- and I guess I’ll take you to the Nisshinkan. I spent time there with my cousin Sasaki Tadasaburou.”
I see his expression as I ask. He must see this interest as too little, too late.
Perhaps it is.
Yusuke would only come here to Aizu when summoned by the elders. Since they were always sending men in expeditions, they would from time to time run out of instructors.
“That’s a long way to be summoned, isn’t it? All the way from outside of Edo, to Aizu, in those days?” It doesn’t escape me that he refers to his father by his name instead of as “chichiue” or “otousan”, even.
Get on the wagon -Princess- and I guess I’ll take you to the Nisshinkan. I spent time there with my cousin Sasaki Tadasaburou.
Princess? It’s been a while since I was his Hime-sama, after all. And the way he says it… I blink rapidly. Once, it was him calling our daughter Princess when he wouldn’t call me that which resulted in me getting so angry at him he gave away his memories. And then I remember that woman, calling me Princess in a mocking tone…
But he offers to take me somewhere. “A cousin?” I ask.
“That’s a long way to be summoned, isn’t it? All the way from outside of Edo, to Aizu, in those days?”
“What’s a lowy foot soldier to do?” I shrug, “At least he got what he wanted in the end.”
She seems stunned for a moment that I called her that. I suppose I should’ve called her a Saint instead? I try to put the way she looked away from my mind. It’ll only be a little bit more until we’re no longer together and this waiting on her, letting time drag on is sometimes unbearable. But it must be done, so she can feel like you she did everything she was supposed to. I wait until she gets on the wagon before locking up the box rod behind her again and I go back to the front to drive the horse.
“A cousin?”
“The leader of the Mimawarigumi.” I say, “It wasn’t well known that he and I were related but I made sure not to bring up the relation after all the Mimawarigumi is the best of the best. Yusuke in his eagerness to be more than he was always made sure I was well acquainted with Sasaki. ”
I drive to the direction of the Nisshinkan. It’s a school day and I wonder if we may see Yoshi. It might be the last time I see him, I didn’t realize that yesterday morning, I suppose I was preoccupied with the other saint, the “ex-wife”.
At least he got what he wanted in the end.
It’s that, and the way “Princess” still rings in my ears… I shiver and pull my cloak closer around me. Why am I trying? Hitting my head over and over against a stone wall, to a man who somehow is still -here-, I’m still -here-? When he could change -either- of those without a thought.
I just want to drown, to give in. Just stop swimming, let the currents pull me under… and then he’d be free. In the end, getting what he wanted.
But is it? What he wants?
He’s still here, but this life… is hell to him. Enduring, with whatever love is left. When he could just -go-, leaving chaos for those he brought here…
I know I’m… being too inflexible. To black and white. There’s something in the details that I’m not seeing, understanding. It’s too late now to take an interest in getting to pry back the layers of his -story-. He’s more than a -story-, after all.
In the grey, in the smoke, beyond there…
It’s started to snow, lightly, and he’s just in his uniform. I remember when I traded a kimono to Frau Susanna to make this for me – a cloak cleverly designed in its fullness… to be draped over two people – too bad I spent more time thinking of my clothes than how I could be present. I undo the clasp and pull half of it over his shoulders. He’d never shiver nor complain, even before.
“It wasn’t well known that he and I were related but I made sure not to bring up the relation after all the Mimawarigumi is the best of the best.
I… I didn’t know that. “Yet you ended up in Kondou-san’s dojo, and with the Shinsengumi,” I say.
Again, he speaks of his father in that way. “Why do you keep calling him by his name? Speaking of your father this way?” I look over at him.
We approach a building with maginificent gates. “Is this a temple?” I ask.
We drive and it gets cooler as it snows lightly. She pulls on her cloak and somehow it reaches my shoulders. Must be a large cloak if it can reach all the way from the back.
“Yet you ended up in Kondou-san’s dojo, and with the Shinsengumi,”
“Don’t misunderstand. Sasaki and I were -not- equals and as I told you before I left home to escape being hanged.”
I keep driving.
“Why do you keep calling him by his name? Speaking of your father this way?”
“You’re likely just not used to it. We’ve never truly spoken about him.” She’s not asked and she probably have made up some sweet stories in her head instead. Even when she found out about what ended up happening about him, she didn’t really ask either. It would’ve been too much of a bother.
The Nisshinkan comes into view and she looks up at it’s doors. I get off and open the box rod again and the steps for her. “It’s a school, the Nisshinkan. This is where Sasaki was educated at least during his boyhood days and Yusuke sometimes taught swordsmanship here too.”
I look at the gates waiting for her to get off so I can give this princess a tour I suppose, “The gates look new and some of the buildings are new, mostly because they have started to rebuild it. There are still areas I hear that need some work.”
Don’t misunderstand. Sasaki and I were -not- equals and as I told you before I left home to escape being hanged
He didn’t shrug off the cloak, but it must look odd, half-hanging on the both of us. Not equals? I’m certainly biased because of my association with the Shinsengumi, but I had never thought the Mimawarigumi as much, except when they killed Sakamoto Ryoma but let Kondou-san take the blame for it…
You’re likely just not used to it. We’ve never truly spoken about him.
And in that statement is, Hide, you didn’t ask about him. You didn’t -bother- when it mattered. I look away, into the snow. With the sands running out, is this what I grasp onto? Getting pieces of his past from him?
I exit the wagon, and look at it. Someone’s investing resources into this place…
The gates look new and some of the buildings are new, mostly because they have started to rebuild it. There are still areas I hear that need some work.
“Was it destroyed in the war?” I ask. Then I hear the sounds of children – boys – beyond. “So it’s still a school?” I think for a minute. “Is this where Tsuyoshi-kun goes?”
“Was it destroyed in the war?”
“Why would the western army spare the indoctrination of Aizu’s young?”
She gets off and we go inside.
“So it’s still a school?” “Is this where Tsuyoshi-kun goes?”
“That’s what his father said when he last visited in Tokyo.” I say by way of response. It’s past the morning but not yet lunch time, right now is about that time when the young men do their practices. “It’s an all boys school as you can see.”
I nod over to one side of the very large grounds where several group of boys each held a bokken and striking the air as if they were in the army. Coordinated counts and strikes, all in unison. My eyes scan the faces and I find him, a little shorter than the others.
“They’ll be done soon.” I say and light a cigarette and go lean on a nearby tree. “If you wanted to know what I used to do here, it was to watch other people practice. Sometimes I’d copy what Sasaki would do as he was a bit older than I but that never ends up well with the other students. But if Yusuke was here they knew better than to start trouble.”
I ash the cigarette. Although I am here. I know it and feel that I am here. It all feels so hollow now. The instructor keeps counting and the sword dance keeps going.
Why would the western army spare the indoctrination of Aizu’s young?
He’s… right. I forget. While Kyoto had to endure all the years of political mechanizations and street skirmishes, it was nothing compared to the force of the government army against this place.
In the yard I see boys, lined up in rows, in perfect timing, with their bokkens in motion, perfect down to the angle of to each boy’s strike arc. I spot Tsuyoshi-kun, he’s doing well but the style here is very controlled so it’s hard to see his skill. But he’s focused.
If you wanted to know what I used to do here, it was to watch other people practice.
“Did your father teach you, or were your first lessons watching and shadowing your cousin?”
He stands not too far, but it might as well be another planet. “Have you seen Tsuyoshi-kun on this visit?” I look at that face again. I see more of Hajime in his features, compared to Tsutomu-kun, who must resemble his mother.
“Did your father teach you, or were your first lessons watching and shadowing your cousin?”
“No he did not.” I say, “It would be frowned upon -here- after all it would be taking time away from his duties. As for Sasaki, I suppose you can say we played swords quite a bit. Sasaki had changed when he became the head of the Mimawarigumi, but I’m sure had he been alive when Kondou-san was captured he’d have done something to commute his sentence.” But the rest of the Mimawarigumi considered us as thugs, the “civilian police” but at least one of them had the courage to vouch for Kondou-san after the war.
I notice her watching Yoshi and wonder what does she see? I know the few times he’s visited it was with Namuzawa and it never tended to go well. But here in this place, my son seems to grow stronger so maybe they are taking care of him well. After all even in my younger years I only could watch from a distance, now he’s part of this school and all of Aizu.
“Have you seen Tsuyoshi-kun on this visit?”
Puffing on my cigarette I reply, “Yesterday morning on my way to see Tokio.”
It would be frowned upon -here- after all it would be taking time away from his duties. As for Sasaki, I suppose you can say we played swords quite a bit. Sasaki had changed when he became the head of the Mimawarigumi, but I’m sure had he been alive when Kondou-san was captured he’d have done something to commute his sentence.
A father couldn’t teach his own son? But a father isn’t always the best teacher – my father’s attempts with Tamesaburou were… failures. Tamebo would end in tears as the limits of his body became apparent, leaving my father upset and my mother in a tizzy… it took Kondou-san to make them both understand that swords were not his path.
However, it was some sort of social standing issue that prevented it, at least here?
I’m sure had he been alive when Kondou-san was captured he’d have done something to commute his sentence.
“Such as admitting the Mimawarigumi’s role in the death of a man now lionized as a national hero?” I know in time our friends will get their fame, if not always their due, but now… they’re seen as brutal enforcers and assassins.
As we watch the boys, Tsuyoshi-kun seems to notice his father when he looks over and smiles at him, and then looks at me with… surprise – before an instructor yells at him to focus.
Yesterday morning on my way to see Tokio.
“And how is your wife?” That comes out harshly, in a way I didn’t intend… but Sir Charles’s words still play in my head. That he could have been free… but he didn’t want to be.
“Such as admitting the Mimawarigumi’s role in the death of a man now lionized as a national hero?”
“Tani did, so why wouldn’t Sasaki? Even Sasaki recognized Kondou and as for Sakamoto being a national hero…” I spit the cigarette butt to the ground, “He was just as bloodthirsty as all of us waiving that gun around. The -coward-.”
Tsuyoshi gets reprimanded as he realizes we’re here. I wonder, perhaps we should leave?
“And how is your wife?”
I glance at her for a moment. My first instinct was to correct her, that Tokio is my -Ex-wife-, but I simply shrug. “Weren’t you friends with that doctor named Takani? She was paying Tokio a visit for her “health”.”
The instructors shouts to the boys and tells them to take a 10 minute break. Yoshi immediately rushes over. “Don’t say anything about Tokio’s health to Yoshi.” Not that I actually believe there’s something wrong “healthwise” with Tokio. She’s just a manipulative witch or was it a saint? like most “well-bred” women.
He was just as bloodthirsty as all of us waiving that gun around. The -coward-.
I never finished my journal entry about meeting him. While I never saw his gun, he was… flamboyant, and seemed to enjoy baiting Souji. Like about taking me out on what were basically reconnaissance missions as Souji followed the man around… but both were right about some things. Souji shouldn’t have brought me into dangerous situations like he did, and Sakamoto -was- the doom of Kondou-san.
Hajime looks at me as I ask about Tokio, but then shrugs, and redirects it to someone I’ve not thought of in a long time.
Weren’t you friends with that doctor named Takani? She was paying Tokio a visit for her “health”.
-Her-? I knew this was her place but she’s never been -here-. After all this time, why -now-? “Briefly, I suppose. But she only wanted someone to listen to her plots and then got mad at me for taking the hottest property out of the Wilderness.” And it was her spiteful gossip that propelled me into running off. Well, my own fears and shame put me on the edge of the cliff. What she had to say about Hajime’s activities at the time just helped to crumble the precipice I was standing on when I wouldn’t step back.
As Tsuyoshi-kun comes over, Hajime tells me not to speak of Tokio, or her health. I nod, as the boy comes over. He’s getting old enough to figure things out, I’m sure, but how often does he see her?
I can’t help but smile at him. I Hajime’s other children in his face, and the jet-black color of his hair. “Hello Tsuyoshi-kun. You have good form,” I tell him. He does, in that he’s following the rigid guidelines of his instructor.
“Briefly, I suppose. But she only wanted someone to listen to her plots and then got mad at me for taking the hottest property out of the Wilderness.”
The way she said that, didn’t seem like… But we’ve all changed, it can’t be helped.
Tsuyoshi comes and Hide compliments him.
“Hello Tsuyoshi-kun. You have good form,”
The boy looks confused for a moment but bows his head. “It’s good to see you Yagi-san. Otou-san didn’t tell me you came as well.” He gives me a look as if looking for guidance and I sigh.
“It’s fine Yoshi. It is like I told you, she and I will be separating. In fact, the only reason she’s here is to say goodbye to Ueda and Akane. And since you’re here why not say your goodbyes as well?” I urge him. Just because I’ve been difficult about it, doesn’t mean my son has to be.
He frowns and tugs at her hand so she’d bend a little, since he’s shorter than her. He was always been a kind young man. Not like me nor his stubborn brother.
Hajime explains why I’m here, and then….
It’s fine Yoshi. It is like I told you, she and I will be separating. In fact, the only reason she’s here is to say goodbye to Ueda and Akane. And since you’re here why not say your goodbyes as well?
He’s closing it all up, and… just making it plain to the world he built for me. That I don’t belong here anymore. That I didn’t do what I was supposed to with his sons. Had I not left, all those years ago, which resulted in that devastating shoulder injury that sent him overseas… would this boy still be taken from him? Aizu likes their adoptions and protecting the lines of the clan, but had he been around, he would have fought… and I think of the son that never happened in this world, who was made to be given away.
But Tsuyoshi-kun’s warm hand ends my reverie. I know that kind of tugging – Makoto does it too, to bring me to her level. He looked so big, with his shinai, in this space where his grandfather once taught. But now I’m reminded that he’s still just a child. I kneel down as his hand asks.
“I’m sorry to see you again like this, Tsuyoshi-kun.” I can’t help but to brush back his hair to see his eyes, it’s a bit unruly even if he doesn’t wear it as long as Tsutomu-kun does. I smile a bit. “I wish I had more time to see you.” He has two other mothers, after all. He’ll be fine, right? “But will you promise me to be kind to your brother and father? They can be hard to get through to, so you’ll have to try harder. Just because they don’t seem to need the people they love doesn’t mean that they really don’t.” I blink a few times. “They’re very stubborn.”
Tsuyoshi:
Father said they were -likely- going to separate, then he corrected himself and said they were separated. Now he’s telling me to say goodbye. I look at him but he’s hardly paying attention or is he?
As I tug Yagi-san’s hand she comes down to my level.
“I’m sorry to see you again like this, Tsuyoshi-kun.” “I wish I had more time to see you.” “But will you promise me to be kind to your brother and father? They can be hard to get through to, so you’ll have to try harder.
I nod as she brushes my hair back. “So I guess it is true Yagi-san?” I whisper, not to hide but that it seemed fitting not to let others hear even Otou-san.
Now that we’re level, I go ahead and kiss her cheek. “I think they’ll be fine without me.” They always have but I’m -glad- that is the case.
“Tomu-nii has Makoto-chan and…” I smile a little, “I was right it was a baby sister. I told Makoto-chan that this one, Ai-chan would be -my- little sister since Onii-san already had his.”
Makoto-chan is a nice girl but she’s clearly Tomu-nii-chan’s. I hoped Ai-chan would be mine.
“Take care Yagi-san and Makoto and especially Ai-chan.” I look inside my pockets but I don’t have anything to give to Ai-chan. “I’m sorry I didn’t know you’d be here.” I wish there was something I could send back like the Daruma or the Akabeko.
Suddenly there’s a loud sigh. “You two done? Unfortunately according to Hide this isn’t our last stop.” Otou looks at his watch. “If we’re going somewhere else Hide, we should get going so we can catch the last train to Tokyo.”
I stand back from Yagi-san. Father is in a hurry but it’s a different kind, unlike when he’d be in a hurry for his job.
Tsuyoshi-kun just looks so surprised as he looks at his father, who is just… remote. The boy’s confusion is just so… heartrending. I always thought that he liked me well enough, but maybe he had thought I would be good for his father, and now that it’s over…
So I guess it is true Yagi-san?
I muster a little smile, and respond to his whisper with one of my own, “I’m still trying, Tsuyoshi-kun. For him, for all of us.” It’s hard… -dangerous- to carry much hope anymore. It’s seen as naïve and foolish and many other failings, but… it’s the last thing I have left.
Then he… he… kisses my cheek. I think they’ll be fine without me.
I take a deep breath, steadying myself and I put my arms around him. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but don’t let them get lost. Your brother shows how much he loves you every time he’s with his sisters.”
He then tells me to take care of his sisters, including the one he never met, the one he wanted to be his since Makoto is already devoted to Tsutomu-kun. He rummages through his pockets… so from my obi I take out a little case, and remove my picture of Ai-chan, one we had made of just her after the family portrait. “I know your father gave you the full one… but this one can be just yours.”
You two done? Unfortunately according to Hide this isn’t our last stop. If we’re going somewhere else Hide, we should get going so we can catch the last train to Tokyo
He steps back, and looks at his father, again, with some confusion. Unlike Tsutomu-kun he -knows- something is different about Hajime. This boy, after all, sees the good in people first.
I stand up and smile for him one more time. He should have -more-, dammit. “Take care, Tsuyoshi-kun.”
Hajime may be in a hurry, but this is just a stolen moment, as I hear someone from the school call for Tsuyoshi-kun.
Tsuyoshi:
I’m still trying, Tsuyoshi-kun. For him, for all of us.”
“Oh good.” I say a little surprised, “Otou-san looked sad yesterday.” I smile, if Yagi-san says so, then it is so.
But she asks me to not let them get lost? But what can I do, so far from everyone? If I’m one less person to worry about for them that would be best right?
I know your father gave you the full one… but this one can be just yours.”
I look at the picture and nod. “I’ll keep it. Until you come back with Ai-chan.”
Otou-san clears his throat again and I’m being called by our instructor back. “It was very good to see you Yagi-san. ” I bow and run back in line.
SAITOU:
He runs off and it didn’t escape my notice that he seems more hopeful and clutching a picture of Ai. I light my cigarette and cross my arms turning to Hide.
“I hope you didn’t make him any promises.” Promises she can’t keep and hopes that’s written in water.
I don’t wait for an answer and start walking away. “Let’s go. Where do you want to go next?”
Otou-san looked sad yesterday.
Did he? I… miss him having emotions other than annoyance. Even if he’s distant to the boy today, maybe yesterday… they connected? But then he says nothing about his brother and father, about keeping them. This boy torn between families… does he think he was not wanted by his birth family, or that he was a burden, instead of… the confluence of clan politics and family circumstance?
I would have liked him as my son. Just as I would have Tsuyoshi-kun. With this one I couldn’t show it, because he already had his mothers. With the other… I misunderstood him, just as I do his father.
But he takes the picture and…
I’ll keep it. Until you come back with Ai-chan.
I can tell him that I’ll try to fix things, but promising a return to this place, with his sister… even I cannot make that promise. I only touch his cheek.
Hajime makes another noise of impatience, and Tsuyoshi-kun has his life here to return to. “It was good to see you, too Tsuyoshi-kun.” I stay kneeling as he leaves, only getting up once he’s back inside the school.
I hope you didn’t make him any promises.
I look away as I get back on the wagon. “No.” I made no promises, that I would try… but it was a promise I wanted to get from him. For the two people who love him and not many others.
I get into the wagon, but sit where I can see where we’re going. This time…
“I know where this place is – I’ll tell you where to go.” I may not know where Ueda-sama’s house was, or the exact location of the Buddha hall… but this place I’ve stared at for some time. It represents, after all, my greatest fear.
We arrive. “Amidaji Temple.” I get out of the wagon.
Saitou:
We move on. I try not to look back at the school. It’s better this way and it’s good he said goodbye. Hide directs me through familiar streets and it’s not long before we get to the temple. I figured as much. I took her here once. It’s where she met Kanbee as he visited our dead.
I follow her inside to the temple grounds. It’s cool and more importantly quiet here compared to the buzz in the boy’s school. I much prefer this peacefulness.
It’s not a bad place to rest, I think to myself as my eyes scan the surrounding and I puff on my cig gently.
He doesn’t say anything. Not as we leave the school, not as we approach and enter the temple.
I walk back to an area. There’s nothing there now, but one day… in the writers’ time, it’s a tourist attraction, littered with mementoes left by those who idolize their version of this man. For now, it’s just another place in the temple grounds, waiting to be used.
In a low voice, I ask, “after Osaka… is this where they put you? Where Kawaji-san came to tell of your deeds? Your oldest son remembers, but thinks it just a dream.” And no “magic” unwound the memories from Ueda-sama.
I look around. “This is a good and quiet place.” Then I step back, closer to him. “I thought at first when you started ‘wrapping up’ this was you putting the players back in a certain place. But lately…” I close my eyes, letting out a deeply-held breath. “I get a feeling from you that it’s more than that, that this ordering is not just for our separation but you preparing for your end.” I look away, towards that empty plot. “I’ve… felt the wish to give up and just -drown- enough to feel it coming from you.”
I grab his hand and with that strength that I used to have, pull him down with me, to sit on that space. As I come in contact with it, I feel another shiver and for a moment… I breathe, and then look over at the man in front of me. From under my cape, in my bag, I pull out the two boxes. “She’ll be waiting for you, should you go. It would be right to read her last words to you, before you meet her again.” I put the older of the two boxes in his hands. “You may know what happened, but you still didn’t take this. You could have humored an old man whom you esteemed so greatly… but here I am with it.”
She takes me to a corner, a place under a tree. I know this place well.
“after Osaka… is this where they put you? Where Kawaji-san came to tell of your deeds? Your oldest son remembers, but thinks it just a dream.”
“It’s where they put Fujita Goro. The man whose wife is named Tokio and had two boys and had things worked out, another future son. The same one in the wilderness I suppose.”
But as for me? Well. I’ve been told I’m an immortal wolf.
“I get a feeling from you that it’s more than that, that this ordering is not just for our separation but you preparing for your end.” “I’ve… felt the wish to give up and just -drown- enough to feel it coming from you.”
“If you have enough to keep you alive, in your writer’s thoughts, then you should live like you always have. Like in those stories.” For me it’s now a different tale. I know now that I wanted is that which I cannot have. But I can for a short time determine certain paths taken and not taken.
She pulls me down under the shade of the tree and I don’t make much of a protest. But then she pulls out two familiar boxes… I stymie a scowl.
“She’ll be waiting for you, should you go. It would be right to read her last words to you, before you meet her again.”
I snort lightly and shake my head.. She thinks it’s me who needs to read her words, but it’s -him-. The one who wouldn’t open the door. Not -me-. I let go a -long- time ago.
You could have humored an old man whom you esteemed so greatly… but here I am with it.”
She holds it out and I look at it, cocking an eyebrow at her. “I suppose if I don’t take this, we’ll be stuck under this tree.” I chuckle a little as I take it. “How about the other, don’t you think I should have that as well?” It is after all mine and I can put back the rest. Again for the orderly closure of this place.
It’s where they put Fujita Goro. The man whose wife is named Tokio and had two boys and had things worked out, another future son. The same one in the wilderness I suppose.
Again, this disassociation…
If you have enough to keep you alive, in your writer’s thoughts, then you should live like you always have. Like in those stories
“I have no wish to ‘live’ like that,” I say. That story… is not my own. One where I fell in love with him first, to get around the Souji problem. Where we came together, after death and other marriages. And then, I suppose, a happy ending. To have one written there should I fail to make it happen here… would be hollow.
He’s annoyed as I bring out the boxes. And, again, refuses Yaso’s last words.
I suppose if I don’t take this, we’ll be stuck under this tree. How about the other, don’t you think I should have that as well?
He makes -light- of it and I’m suddenly -mad- at him, and I stand up. And… it burns up as quickly as it flared and I sink back down to my knees, my hands shaking as I pull out something from his box and hand it to him. “I don’t have the luxury of retreating behind a shell, a cold, controlled-shell- to hide the parts of me that hurt. I’m out here… knowing that I may never be able to get myself back.” I hand him the item I took from his box. “I’m a long way from this woman, the one you fell in love with… I miss being that woman.” I look at the confident smile, wondering when’s the last time I actually smiled, really?
Still on my knees, I lean over, and kiss him, softly, tenderly, my hand brushing his hair back. Lovingly. Like I used to, because I wanted to kiss him, because I wanted to delight him, and myself. Not because I had to save the world by figuring one secret thing to save it.
I linger but all kisses end. I’m only a breath away, “Hajime… is the end what you truly wish? You could have made this -end-, write up a summary to close it and throw me to Kyoto or to some resurrected Souji or -whatever- and never look back. Or replaced me with that shadow-Hide if you felt you owed something to the others. We’re both still here, because you made it so.” I pull him to me, “we both have to change and both know how worthless promises can be. But when it’s change or die… I know which way I’d rather be.”
And then, because it is our world, a song begins to play. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcBB_xPRA3w
“I have no wish to ‘live’ like that,”
“Why not.? You came to Tokyo to move on from the loss of you sweetheart and found a new love.” I grin a little, “That new love can be -anyone-, a Doppel-ganger of your sweetheart, a cultivated wordly foreigner or just some other Japanese man you can make a home with.”
She gets angry as I jest about being stuck if I don’t do what she wants. She gets up and for a moment I thought she’d walk away. She shakes but seems to lose her strength as she sinks back down to the ground.
I’m out here… knowing that I may never be able to get myself back.” “I’m a long way from this woman, the one you fell in love with… I miss being that woman.”
I look at the photo handed to me. I stare at it, at the one who used to love me. A pretty thing that I came home to most afternoons and stayed some nights with. She’s right, she’s no longer this woman. I don’t give the photo back. It’s mine after all and so I put it in my breast pocket.
And she kisses me under the tree and I could fool myself one more time that it’s the same. Those lips are the same and that tongue I sought out and entwined itself against mine is the same. As I close my eyes and let my hands roam on her neck, down to her waist, I can pretend it’s like what it was back then. When kisses were given freely and the anticipation of being together lifted one up. That we made time for it. The kiss ends as it always does and I’m back feeling like a fool letting it happen each time.
, “Hajime… is the end what you truly wish? You could have made this -end-
I meet her and hold her eyes. “It is and I’m -trying- to let it go. I haven’t been able to yet…” I swallow but -resolutely- add, “but I -will-.”
“we both have to change and both know how worthless promises can be. But when it’s change or die… I know which way I’d rather be.”
“You see Hide…” I pull back. “I can’t change.” What I wanted has never changed and that’s why we are where we’re at. At some point I’ll be able to make peace with what I can’t change and stop this… The song plays and I know only she and I hears the tune.
I go ahead and take Yaso’s letter. I never read it yes but I know her so well, that I know what she’d say. So I open it and read it quietly in front of Hide.
But just in case, this isn’t the case. That she’s not making you smile
I read the rest and fold it and place it back where it came from. “I already forgave Yaso a long time ago but that meant letting her go and embracing the life in Tokyo. It was easier to let her believe that she had done wrong by me, rejecting her than both of us wavering.” Like I’m doing now, not finding the courage to let this place go. But again, I -will-. I -have- to. Otherwise I’ll hate even the one in the picture.
Standing up, I light a smoke. “It’s probably not a good idea to keep sitting there on the ground like that with your ankle the way it is.”
I hold out my hand, “Get up and I’ll return you to the children in Tokyo.” More than anything I am to her, she is more to the children she nurtures. The song ends and I say to her, “You finally found a song appropriate for the occasion.”
Why not.? You came to Tokyo to move on from the loss of you sweetheart and found a new love.
I shake my head. “But not to find a new love. That I did was unexpected and wonderful. But I wasn’t seeking it, nor was I in Ito. But there you were again.” Even if I was too broken, by my own doing, to respond to him.
He looks at the photo for a long time, before putting it carefully in his pocket. What a comparison…. that fresh, carefree woman to this tired old woman. And then… he kisses me back, not… rejecting me. It’s in this that we can feel some of that old connection. I know I can, is that what it is for him? The way his hands move on me, not out of lust but just because we needed to touch and be touched. Two people who found each other and found… what was missing. It was in his kiss…
It is and I’m -trying- to let it go. I haven’t been able to yet… but I -will-.
I don’t miss how he has a hard time getting it out, and this honesty, this… emotion from him… He’s fighting himself, isn’t he? The part that wants to be hard and get this done, and the one… that still hopes.
“You see Hide… I can’t change.
I cup the side of his face, letting my thumb graze his cheekbone. “You can’t, not like this. And I don’t mean as you are now, but you couldn’t have before, either. I can’t change when I could only see my own pain, when I was more upset at the idea that I wasn’t a perfect lover to you than at actually having let you down.” Self-absorbed, that woman called me. “It’s… a vicious cycle.” I have to break my own.
Hajime then reads the letter.
It was easier to let her believe that she had done wrong by me, rejecting her than both of us wavering
“Yet she saw right through you… and loved you until the end. She told me, she still does. I think that’s why she came to me, when I was trying to find you in the place of smoke.” The memory of her still makes me… I blink. “I always imagined her kind, but I didn’t realize how much until I met her.”
Get up and I’ll return you to the children in Tokyo.
I get up and shake my head. “My life is more than the children. You are my -center- Hajime, and the family is entwined in that. Not only did we have our Makoto, but then you brought in Tsutomu-kun, Yukiko-san, Eiji-san… you didn’t just want to give me a hobby when you were away. You wanted a life in full, the sort that she imagined you’d have with Tokio.. the one I think you longed for, when the Wilderness started. In seeing you be a gentle and loving father to your girls, I saw a new side to you. With Yukiko-san, your devotion to the family you never really left behind. With Eiji-san, how you don’t forget the innocents when you seek justice. And with your son… how hard you fight for those you love, even when they push you away.”
“What are you to me, without the children, without all this? It allowed me another way to -see- you, Hajime. More than just my lover, my friend, my beloved. Beyond the Shinsengumi legend, the cop who can cut through steel, the immortal wolf. I see the -man- in full, in all of his dimensions, his triumphs and struggles. And it made me love you more than I thought I would, even if I had to share you.” I wrap my arms around him, my face against his chest. “We started as two people meeting in the shadows and made a -world-. I can’t keep it alive on my own. I need you beside me to make this garden bloom, but… only if you want to -live- with -me -. I won’t accept anything less… and I won’t give you anything less.” I look up at him.
“Where’s the woman in that picture? She forgot how to smile, to laugh, to flirt and tease. She had so many treasures it made her afraid to lose them. That she would get you in ‘trouble’ should she distract you. She thought she had to prove herself, over and over again, to get it -right-.” I hold him, tightly. “I’m not going to live in fear anymore.” Of foreigners and oiran and and caped men and yes, even -her-, the ‘mother-in-law’.
I let go and step away. “In her letter, Yaso-san spoke of her brother. He… was by, last night, at Ueda-sama’s. To find you, and to issue a challenge. That… the son of Shinoda will be waiting for you, and that you had a month to get there’.”
“Even had you been sober, I was struggling to pass along the message – fearing that you would see it as your poetic ending, to be struck down by Yaso-san’s brother.” I open up his box, and take out my ring, and put it in his breast pocket, next to my picture. “I’m keeping the rest. I don’t think you’ll have to wait a month. But I’ll go home, and take care of the family. Every night, I -will- wait for you.” I kiss him again, hard and brief. “He’s as Yaso-san said. Upset. The Yaso-san I’ve seen glimpses of and the one you knew wouldn’t like him like this, nor would she wish for either of you to have your blood spilled.”
I finally let go. “Or… I can come with you. Yukiko-san said to take the time we need. But… I can at least pay my respects to Yaso-san and your son, properly.”
“But not to find a new love. That I did was unexpected and wonderful. But I wasn’t seeking it, nor was I in Ito. But there you were again.”
“I knew that. That you weren’t looking.” I shrug, “I should’ve just stayed away.”
And she agrees I can’t change. And she touches my cheek as if, she knows about it. How it was but -no-, it wasn’t the same. I never tried to be perfect for her which is why I suppose I wanted her to go with Souji or even her Charles, they were her creation not mine. Perfect wasn’t what I wanted from her because I wasn’t myself. But I understand my situation clearly. I’ve understood for quite some time but still I’m here, obligated to make sense of the loss until I’m able to accept it and let it quietly go finished or unfinished.
“Yet she saw right through you… and loved you until the end. She told me, she still does. I think that’s why she came to me, when I was trying to find you in the place of smoke.”
“Heh. I guess I have somewhere to go then, in the afterlife.” That’s comforting to know. I’m sure he’d like to hear that. The coward. If he’d open the door maybe this all just vanishes in a blink of an eye.
And as I offer to take her back to her charge, she refuses and starts telling me about what I was. What I was supposedly doing about wanting a full life by bringing the people I cared about to her. That I was her center? Hardly but it’s a nice lie to hear. What did I tell her years ago as she looked up at those stars? Lie to me. I needed it. But I don’t need it now.
“What are you to me, without the children, without all this? It allowed me another way to -see- you, Hajime. And it made me love you more than I thought I would, even if I had to share you.”
Brave words from a woman who… Well her words were always much better than the reality. Unlike my words that hardly comes out these days. Though I can’t say my action was any better than her inactions. Love? I wouldn’t recognize it anymore. I thought I knew what it was back then, but now I’m not so sure and it’s easier to be with someone who doesn’t profess to love you. Wants nothing and needs nothing. And as for sharing, has that ever happened? Sharing implies giving a portion of inspite of.
I can’t keep it alive on my own. I need you beside me to make this garden bloom, but… only if you want to -live- with -me -. I won’t accept anything less… and I won’t give you anything less.”
And she looks up at me as if waiting for an answer? I no longer have any answers to give to words. I’m tired of words because I know what I want and I know now what’s impossible. My brows only furrow as I look down on her.
“I’m not going to live in fear anymore.”
And with that answer, I find myself with the trademark grin – one that has annoyed hundreds of people in my lifetime. “Don’t worry you won’t have to fear anything. That’s part of my mission after all, to tie up loose ends.” And hopefully aside from the quack doctor, nothing else arrive to get in the way.
“In her letter, Yaso-san spoke of her brother. He… was by, last night, at Ueda-sama’s. To find you, and to issue a challenge. That… the son of Shinoda will be waiting for you, and that you had a month to get there’.”
I can feel the blood drain from my face. I knew he was still around. Kanbee told me so. But to have come so close and for my wishes for nothing else to get in the way…
I was struggling to pass along the message – fearing that you would see it as your poetic ending, to be struck down by Yaso-san’s brother.”
“There’s nothing poetic about killing.” I say suddenly, “Did he threaten you or Ueda?” I ask simply. “Hopefully you didn’t say who you were.”
But she gives me her ring and puts it in my pocket and then kisses me. But after the kiss, I reach back into my pocket and place the ring back into her palm and close it. “You keep your ring. I don’t keep any ring on me. If you want the other back, you’ll find it at my office in the Precinct. Lowest drawer wrapped in the tenugui.”
The rings used to mean so much to us but it’s no longer appropriate for me to wear it. Not when I’m the one who refuses to accept whatever she’s able to give. Had I been a kinder man I’d accept whatever she’s able to give instead of waiting for what’s impossible.
She tells me she’ll wait for me. But waiting… Wasn’t what I needed, not anymore. “Tell me, did he threaten you or Ueda or Akane?” I say impatiently. “And no you can’t come, you’ll only slow me down. And the dead needs nothing from the living.”
Of course, he’ll have to be added to the closure of this place. But whom do I kill first depends on her answer.
I knew that. That you weren’t looking. I should’ve just stayed away.
I open my mouth to argue with him but nothing comes out. And he doesn’t say much to the rest of what I have to say, other than expressing relief that he has a place to go on the other side.
Don’t worry you won’t have to fear anything. That’s part of my mission after all, to tie up loose ends.
“I’m just another loose end?” I look down. And… I feel it again. I shiver, as it’s stronger… and it’s not just feelings but a -hand- around my ankle. Give up give up give up, she sings in a whisper. He’s done with you… I close my eyes to try to dismiss her.
“I heard… that there was one thing I could do. To get you back. One simple, easy thing. I listen to what people say – and some have offered -terrible- advice – and I keep trying. Trying to get past your walls and defenses. Trying to reach -you-. To solve…” I shake my head, and then look at him, sadly.
“As you are now, you’re to stubborn to love me back – even if I did the one thing. The other side is too scared, and stubborn too. When you’re only one side of a man, the face and the heart, running separate, you can’t be -anyone-. You won’t change, you won’t forgive…” I blink, breathing. “How much more is left of you to pare off, the soft and hurting parts?”
“I’m not your ‘mission’, Hajime. Just like you’re not some riddle I have to solve, only to be told that it wasn’t good enough, try another riddle. Love isn’t easy, and the way our world is doesn’t make it. I didn’t post to welcome you home – and it all falls apart from that? Did you really think… I didn’t care? That I didn’t want to be here, with you? That I rejected you?” I look up at him, my eyes imploring his. “You left me for -years- but I knew you’d come back.”
Did he threaten you or Ueda? Hopefully you didn’t say who you were
I just look at him. How he went pale, suddenly, and then pivots to another question.
He refuses my ring, and tells me where to find his. Why? Why would I need it after he’s gone? To sell to take care of his daughters? To give to another man? She’s still there, tugging, pulling.
Tell me, did he threaten you or Ueda or Akane?
I just look at him. -Look- at him, that look in his eyes. “You…. no. He did not. He knows who I am. Akane-san wanted to see the good in him, Ueda-sama was nervous. And as for me…” I sway a bit, as I step back, realizing… “Had he, would you kill him? You don’t want to be with me but you’ll kill a man for threatening me? What the -hell-, Hajime…”
And then… she’s pulling and I can’t fight her. I can’t breathe, I can’t… it was her. One step behind me, hovering… “No, no, no, I’m not done –”
—-
(Shadow)
She falls to the ground, shakes her head, and gets up. Easily. Injuries the other one carries don’t matter to her. It takes a moment to be used to having form after being a shadow for so long, but it doesn’t matter. It’s her turn now. The sister who protected her against this fate is gone, and that failure just keeps -talking-, so tedious and pitiful.
She bows, and regards the man in front of her. “I’m here to do as you wish.” She tilts her head and regards him. “I finally was able to make that failed woman surrender, she’d only trouble you. After all, you made me to make it easy for you.” It wasn’t so much a surrender on the failure’s part, but she was finally weak enough that it was easy to be pull her out. The shadow knows that she came first, before he was weak and called for that failure.
She can still hear the screams of the other one but he’ll never hear her. She smiles again, pleasantly, with her lips but not her eyes. “You wish to return to Tokyo now? Or I can return unaccompanied if you have other pressing things to attend to.” She turns her attention to her kimono. Tut-tutting at how messy that failure was, there’s dirt on it now. “Anyway, can we go? It’s getting cold here.” At least the hand is not covered in a network of scars. How like that failure, to leave herself in that condition. It only made him think he was the failure, instead of her.
She feels strong here. It’s good, to be doing one’s job.
“I’m just another loose end?”
I’d tell her, they’re the loose ends not her. The ones left in this world that slipped from my grasp. The one in Kyoto, Tokyo and kami knows where the other one went.
“As you are now, you’re to stubborn to love me back – even if I did the one thing. The other side is too scared, and stubborn too. When you’re only one side of a man, the face and the heart, running separate, you can’t be -anyone-. You won’t change, you won’t forgive…” I blink, breathing. “How much more is left of you to pare off, the soft and hurting parts?”
I am stubborn but I’m not just one side. So I answer her question, “Too much it seems for you to endure.”
“I’m not your ‘mission’, Hajime. Just like you’re not some riddle I have to solve, only to be told that it wasn’t good enough, try another riddle. Love isn’t easy, and the way our world is doesn’t make it
“You’re right. You never were my mission. If you think that you’re wrong. And I’m not some riddle for you to solve. That you think that somehow there’d be some prize in the end…” I shake my head. I know now why Yaso showed herself to Hide and why it was important I read her words to my ex-wife. But did they really think it would be so easy? That I’d forgive the instant I read Yaso’s words and here Hide is… “I’m sorry I suppose that I didn’t change my mind quick enough for you.”
I didn’t post to welcome you home – and it all falls apart from that? Did you really think… I didn’t care? That I didn’t want to be here, with you? That I rejected you?” “You left me for -years- but I knew you’d come back.”
“And you really thought it was just that one night? I suppose it was the night I finally had to admit to myself how it truly was. Well at least I got -revenge- for what happened in Ito.” It didn’t matter much to her but it was -everything- to me, enough to return here. I shake my head as I feel a throbbing in my temple. “And as for my leaving you… You -knew- I’d come back? What if I didn’t? All you ever do is wait. Wait for things to happen to you, unless you’re taking some damn risk that you shouldn’t.” And I probably should not have returned, knowing how things were.
“Had he, would you kill him? You don’t want to be with me but you’ll kill a man for threatening me? What the -hell-, Hajime…”
She steps back from me and I can see once again that judgment in her eyes but I’m -used- to it. “I would kill him.” I grip my new sword, one where I can feel its spirit swelling from within. “It would be right for the proper closure of this place to ensure you and the children can live as you please.”
And for a moment something seems to happen a haze she seems to stumble for a moment and then suddenly bows?
“I’m here to do as you wish.” “I finally was able to make that failed woman surrender, she’d only trouble you. After all, you made me to make it easy for you.”
I’m confused for a moment. The fire from her is gone, replaced with this emptiness. And then I’m addressed and it’s made plain as to who… or rather -what- this is. She chose to retreat. I shouldn’t be so surprised.
I kneel down and look at it’s face. I try not to scowl as I tell this one the truth. “I didn’t make you, otherwise, you’d not dare to speak with me. I never wanted her Shadow.”
“You wish to return to Tokyo now? Or I can return unaccompanied if you have other pressing things to attend to.” “Anyway, can we go? It’s getting cold here.”
“I’m no longer returning to her house.” From now on, it’s clear what I do, I do alone.
“So Shadow you can return to the house in Tokyo. The only thing you need to do is care for the children and the people in it as well as she was supposed to. When it’s time for those who are not her children is to leave, then let them go and I’m sure her brothers will come for you, Makoto and Ai when the others have vacated the Yamaguchi house.”
I take the two boxes from her hand. It wasn’t hers to keep. Standing up, I give her the ticket for the train and I leave the premises. At least Naito didn’t threaten her which means I have a month left, but like she said I shouldn’t take that long. I light a cigarette and hail a rickshaw and tell the driver a certain Yagi Hide needs a ride to the train station. He agrees to take her.
(Saitou exits)
I didn’t make you, otherwise, you’d not dare to speak with me. I never wanted her Shadow.
She looks up at him, with her empty smile. “Ah, you did, I’m sorry to say. But once I was discarded… well, even shadows can go a bit wild.” But his anger and annoyance don’t phase her. While she wishes to please him, she’ll work whatever wisps of the failure cling to her out of her system soon enough. Like talking back like that.
He tells her that he won’t be home. Gives his instructions. She nods and takes the ticket, and he takes those boxes. She’s pleased to be rid of those.
She doesn’t tarry. She’s not the sort. She’s pleased that he arranged a rickshaw. She goes to the train. Take care of children. Let some leave. That’s what he wants, that’s what she’s here to do.
(OOC – close)