Is he the son of the best spearman? And if so… could he?
But I know one thing. If things continue on this path, next month Hajime’s blood will spill on the snow up north. It would be a tidy ending, in a way. To let the brother of a woman he wronged take him out.
Except, I doubt that Yaso-san, even though, yes, I don’t know her… would want that path for either. I would not wish my brothers to take that role, were it me. She does not see like someone who would. What I felt from her, in that brief encounter, that letter… was a woman of compassion and understanding.
But, well, I don’t know her.
Akane-san waved off my help with cooking, and Ueda-sama said it was time for his afternoon rest. So I wait, for Hajime to come back from wherever he went to today, as I sit on the engawa at the front of the house.
Probably to her.
(OOC – Hide is waiting for Saitou_
I had nowhere else to go. He knew it so he humored me and we went drinking some fine Aizu sake from mid-afternoon till the sun set a few hours ago. Now here he is helping me back to Ueda’s house. I couldn’t quite tell Kanbee what happened.
“You had the same look, of the man who was about to commit the biggest mistake of his life.”
I said nothing to that. Was he trying to tell me I’d made a mistake separating from Tokio? But I kept mum about the divorce from her and it would’ve gone quietly had we been truly alone.
“What are you up to these days?” He asked me but I just grinned and told him I’m just here to unwind from the stressful job of being a Meiji police officer and to catch up with Yoshi but he gave me that look of disapproval. He always knew when something was up.
“You drink when you don’t want to talk.” He said, quipping that I hide behind the drinking. I thought I’d gotten rid of the habit but I suppose a man has his ups and down.
I asked him about his family, mostly to distract him from asking more about mine. I have no family left, not the old one, not the current one and not the future one. So I listened to him talk about his three daughters and his wife, a childhood friend of his. I was told this man would’ve died in the Seinan war but I can’t believe that. He’s very much alive. Much more alive than I’ve been.
And I feel her getting closer and closer. Sometimes I’m afraid the knock would actually come but that’s silly. Sometimes I fear that I’ll forget everything because that’s what I was told, that to go with ghosts meant that you no longer remember the past that’s still living. And it is true for all those who dies, that’s why they never come back.
“Hoy! Hoy! Wake up Goro!” I’m shaken awake and I open my eyes to a horse neighing and I try to lie to the side.
“Shit you’ll fall down you idiot!”
I’m jerked to the side but then I end up slumped on his shoulder.
“You used to be able to hold your liquor well too.” He laughs a little, “You’ve grown soft now that you’ve become a city boy.”
I’d tell him, I always were a city boy. Born and raised in Tokyo. But also somewhere where there’s glass and steel. I wave my hand slightly and he catches it and puts my arm around his neck as he pulls me down. It takes a bit for my feet to find it’s footing and I try to take a wobbly step.
“Whoa! Slow down you idiot.”
I’m the one who calls him that. But I’m too tired and I want to go to bed. “Bed…”
“Yes.. Yes… But be quiet. Looks like the old man is already asleep, you don’t want him to be cross with you.”
“he’s already…”
“Is that right?” I hear the creaking of the wood gate opening and I’m dragged inside the courtyard and I feel my feet bump into the engawa. I guess we’re finally at the house?
(OOC: It’s late. Kanbee has Saitou and is at the engawa but he’s not calling out because he doesn’t want to disturb the old man who is sleeping.)
It’s late, Akane-san left and Ueda-san declared himself as needing to go to bed when I asked to speak to him. No doubt, he knows me well enough to have an idea of what happened with Shinoda-san… does he need to hear again, this son of his who doesn’t seem to want to be here, has another path to death before him?
I stay outside and wait. He’s not home yet. Certainly Shinoda-san wouldn’t strike now, had he found him? I shiver, even though I’ve brought the blankets from both guest rooms down.
I hear then a the sound of scuffling feet, and men’s voices, muffled, and the creak of the gate. I stand, nervous. It’s just me and Ueda-sama here…
you don’t want him to be cross with you.”
“he’s already…”
“Is that right?”
I know onw voice well, and the other… I think I’ve heard before. Then I feel them bump against the engawa.
I peer in the darkness, there’s not much light here, except from the stars. But I hazard a guess. “Hajime? Kanbee-san?” After all, he’s the closest Hajime has to a friend.
Kanbee:
“Hajime? Kanbee-san?”
“Shhh!” I tell the woman, that’s who again? Oh yeah Yagi… “Don’t be too loud. I don’t want to wake up the old man Ueda. He’ll blame me for this.”
I look down at the half asleep man who’s barely standing up. I prop him up a bit more less he slide onto the floor.
“You’ve got a light there don’t you? Help light the way so I can bring him to the upstairs bedroom.” That way that grumpy old man don’t find out we’ve been drinking.
“Right here’s fine.” Goro tries to push himself off me but I catch him by the waist.
“No old friend. If that grumpy old man sees you, he’s going to blame me.” I step inside and wait for Yagi-san to lead the way.
Don’t be too loud. I don’t want to wake up the old man Ueda. He’ll blame me for this
I nod, stepping over to look at Hajime, and touch his cheek. Ah, he’s been drinking… what did he have to do today? But at least he’s not yet met Shinoda-san’s spear… it’s then that he protests and insists on being left outside. It’s too cold for that…
I lift the lights, and, with the blankets over my other arm, I lead the way inside. We get to the first bedroom, where Hajime slept alone last night, and I put the blankets down and unroll the futon. “Here,” I say in a low voice. “Thank you, Kanbee-san.” He’s at least closer in size than poor Eiji-san was.
Kanbee:
I go up as quietly as I can dragging this big lug of a man. I grin a little and he told me he dragged me from mountain to mountain during the seinan war. “We’re about even now. Don’t you agree you idiot?” I say quietly with a bit of mirth. He only groans.
Yagi-san unrolls the futon and I try not to dump him too loudly. I go ahead and take a small pillow and put it under him and loosen his collar a bit and I see he’s had a lot of marks there. Odd. He’s usually very clean. Straightening up I turn to Yagi-san.
“He’s going to have a bad hangover tomorrow.” I grin, “So what was it? Did you two fight? I spent half the day with him and he wouldn’t say a damn thing.”
We’re about even now. Don’t you agree you idiot?
What happened in the past? But Kanbee-san just grins a bit, and I know that for a friend, Hajime would do a lot…
He then helps to settle Hajime on the futon, and I wince as he can’t help but notice the marks on his neck… the reminder of that other woman, all the way up here.
He’s going to have a bad hangover tomorrow. So what was it? Did you two fight? I spent half the day with him and he wouldn’t say a damn thing.
“I brought coffee,” I say, having not anticipated -this-… I kneel down next to him and brush his hair back from his forehead, looking at his face. I’ve seen him drunk, but full to this level to be nearly at black-out… my heart hurts to see it. I sit back a bit and look back and Kanbee-san. Not a thing, huh? “He thinks we’re over. I was the one with something to see to here, but I think he came to settle things.” I touch his face again, gently. “Kanbee-san, you’re his oldest living friend,” I smile a bit, wryly, since there’s one who was there before, but he’s not really a friend anymore and may not even be alive, “how did he seem to you?”
I brought coffee,
I guess that for me so I take it. No way it’s for him.
He thinks we’re over. I was the one with something to see to here, but I think he came to settle things.
I raise an eyebrow. And he seemed so happy with her last time. “Oh? What did you need here in Aizu and as for him… there’s nothing here for him except his son Yoshi-kun. What’s to settle?”
Kanbee-san, you’re his oldest living friend,” “how did he seem to you?”
I drink the coffee and set it down, “He was drinking like a fish, usually that’s my role…” I look at my old friend, “he hardly looked at me, he seemed determined to do something. I’ve seen that look before. It’s usually not a good sign.”
Kanbee-san drinks the coffee, but Hajime is in no shape to do so right now, and this man has been drinking, -and- dragged a taller man how far? He deserves fortification.
I see his raised eyebrow at my response.
Oh? What did you need here in Aizu and as for him… there’s nothing here for him except his son Yoshi-kun. What’s to settle?
“Me… I was dishonest and cowardly towards Ueda-sama, the last time we met – instead of asking a question that may have had a difficult answer… I went about it in the worst way. I respect him a great deal, and I didn’t want to leave it like that.” I take Hajime’s hand, after wiping his brow with my kimono sleeve. “As for business… well, perhaps he went to see his wife?” I do hope he got to see Tsuyoshi-kun.
he hardly looked at me, he seemed determined to do something. I’ve seen that look before. It’s usually not a good sign
Quietly, I ask, “when did you see that look last?”
I went about it in the worst way. I respect him a great deal, and I didn’t want to leave it like that
“I see.” Though if they’re no longer together there’s no need to go that far i thunk. But some people are like that.
As for business… well, perhaps he went to see his wife?
“Well he did see her a few months ago.” I nod, “and if you two are over maybe he did meet with his wife.” Is he actually going back to Tokio? He did go around town with her in tow last tike.
She asks about when I last saw that look. I hesitate to say but he’s out of it so he can’t complain. “When he agreed to marry Tokio in front of Teruhime and Matsudaira-sama. No amount of my talking him out of it worked.” I shake my head, “i told him it was a bad idea. He didn’t really love her and she’s high maintenance and those mood swings…”
Well he did see her a few months ago.” I nod, “and if you two are over maybe he did meet with his wife.
I look down. Maybe they’re making up. For the sake of Tsutomu-kun. He’s the son who will carry on the house, after all, with Tsuyoshi-kun now out of the family. I could say something about how she would have liked to hear about how Tsutomu-kun is doing, his studies…. but I don’t think that Hajime and Tokio have that sort of ‘co parenting’ situation now or ever.
When he agreed to marry Tokio in front of Teruhime and Matsudaira-sama. No amount of my talking him out of it worked. i told him it was a bad idea. He didn’t really love her and she’s high maintenance and those mood swings…
I notice he looks at Hajime, who’s just… passed out. It’s not easy, I’m sure, to speak of his friend like this. “If you tried to talk him out of it… then why did he? He already had his new job with the police, right, so his position there wasn’t tied to that, right?” After all, he started as a neighborhood cop, but it was his connections and skill that lifted him up. I had always thought that Aizu, in building their “model couple”, had engineered some of that, but…
If you tried to talk him out of it… then why did he? He already had his new job with the police, right, so his position there wasn’t tied to that, right?
I shrug. “Who knows? Maybe he thought it was time to stop the rumors swirling around him and Tokio. He was after all the bodyguard of Teru and since Tokio was her lady in waiting she was always around.”
I look at her next, “He didn’t work for the police immediately in Tokyo, Teru was still needing a bodyguard but when she was called back to her own clan up North, he had to find a new job and I suppose he found this one.”
I chuckle a little bit, “I guess that’s to my benefit, he ended up fighting in the seinan war when the army needed police backup and i was drafted too in that war. My platoon leader was convinced I would not have made it out of there alive if not for him.”
Who knows? Maybe he thought it was time to stop the rumors swirling around him and Tokio
Rumors? It’s always said that Aizu was one of the more proper and straight-laced of all of the clans. “Why would there be rumors? Were they becoming close?” I smile a bit, and look back at Hajime, who is still out of it. “I’m sorry to be barraging you with questions, I just seek to understand, even now.”
Kanbee-san speaks of how Hajime’s job with the police worked out for him – in that having Hajime there saved his life. “His time in the Seinan War is another he doesn’t really speak of. What happened – were your positions close enough by where he could see you?” Maybe it was terrible and he doesn’t want to speak of it, or maybe he’s modest. I have a feeling that when I ask Hajime about it, he would just shrug, take a drag on his cigarette and say something about being in the right place at the right time.
Why would there be rumors? Were they becoming close?
“As I said Yagi-san, they were always together by virtue of his job.” I sigh a little, “Tokio wasn’t exactly discreet either about it all. But I don’t feel right telling you about it.”
His time in the Seinan War is another he doesn’t really speak of. What happened – were your positions close enough by where he could see you?”
“We were in the same platoon when the police joined the army.” I glance back at her. “We took heavy fire, I was immobile and he had been shot in the back. But he carried me through the mountainside to get us back to safety. He should’ve retreated alone.” And if he did I’d be most certainly dead.
“Yagi-san, why are you asking me about his life? Shouldn’t you be asking him?” I can’t help but look concerned, “If you two can’t speak, then it’s no surprise he thinks it’s over. If you’re afraid to ask him questions that seem to gnaw at you like his wife, then maybe the reality -is- as Goro thinks.”
I put the coffee back to the tray.
Tokio wasn’t exactly discreet either about it all. But I don’t feel right telling you about it.
I nod. “Thank you for telling me what you did.”
Kanbee-san then tells me of the time during the war, and that Hajime had been shot in the back… I think of the network of scars across his torso. I think to my own mental map of it, and see the spot…
Yagi-san, why are you asking me about his life? Shouldn’t you be asking him? If you two can’t speak, then it’s no surprise he thinks it’s over. If you’re afraid to ask him questions that seem to gnaw at you like his wife, then maybe the reality -is- as Goro thinks.
I look down. “When we met, that’s what we did – talk. He lamented his wife ignoring him… how his life felt at that time, overall. In then, it was about the moment, and sharing the Shinsengumi… was enough. But the more and more we were together, the less we talked. I could blame many things, but, it comes down to my fault. Since summer…” I pause. Summer -here-, of course, “when he came back from a long-term assignment, he spoke more of the past. Of Yaso-san.
I run a finger down his hand, tracing the bones. “He doesn’t want to talk of some things, and when he does, he speaks in coded words, or words that could be ready many way. I… didn’t always get the point. I didn’t try hard enough. That if he loved me, he would open up to me, naturally, but then I didn’t give him the chances to do so, not really. But… he’s never going to be an easy man.” I lift my head up and look at Kanbee-san. “I don’t think… I’d have him any other way.”
“But, as you said, he’s determined. However…” I pause, “he doesn’t have to settle up things like he’s doing. So that gives me some -” I was about to say -hope-, but that feels too fragile right now, “time, at least. Not much, but… some.” I smile at the man I still love, and touch his cheek.
I’m glad she didn’t push any further with the question of Tokio. Anymore than that, I’d be no different than those rumor mongers.
She tells me about how they talked and how they drifted apart. That they stopped talking. “Well it’s probably not all your fault. I can certainly attest to how difficult it is to get him to talk about things he doesn’t want to.” I grin, “that’s what I ended up doing half the day, asking in various ways but none successful so I gave up and let him drink himself silly.”
I watch as she keeps touching my friend. If he knew I saw that I bet he’d find it embarrassing. Then she tells me there’s time…
“Well as for me having time, I should go back to my wife. Otherwise she’ll lock me out.” I look at Goro, “Take care of him. If you have time maybe go out, find something else to do. Aizu is a pretty nice place you know.”
(Ooc kanbee wil exit unless something else)
Well it’s probably not all your fault. I can certainly attest to how difficult it is to get him to talk about things he doesn’t want to. that’s what I ended up doing half the day, asking in various ways but none successful so I gave up and let him drink himself silly.
“I’m glad he has a friend like you, Kanbee-san,” I say. I wish he had a few more. But then, I ruined the memory of his friendship with Souji, and once he showed back up… well, Souji didn’t show himself as a friend, even as he commented on it bitterly.
Kanbee-san says that it’s time to go. “Thank you for bringing him back here,” I say. “And my apologies to your wife.” But I do like his advice about seeing more of Aizu. It takes so long to get here, and Yukiko-san said to take our time?
I hear him exit down the stairs, and I sit, for a while, by Hajime. “I wondered if you were awake for all of that,” I say, softly. It would be like him, sometimes. But he seems to be sleeping this drinking episode off. I loosen his shirt collar and jacket, and take off his belt.
And then I lie down beside him. “I wish you would wake up – our time is passing so fast…” I settle my head on his good shoulder, as Kanbee-san propped him up with both pillows. No worries. I preferred here, anyway.
As the first grey light of dawn start to creep into the window, I lay beside him.
“It’s… simpler to sleep, isn’t it?” I ask, my voice soft. “To go to where you were all those years. Where we could rest in the memory of what we had…”
“Memories are funny things. I let the memory of my first love change over time, to suit my own stasis. You read my dairy, how it was… but by the time we met, I let the actions of those around me, and my own wish to have been loved, change it. I wonder… how your memories of Yaso-san have changed? I wish you would wake up and tell me.”
He breathes, deep and heavy, his skin paler than it had once been. Like our room at home, some of the color is starting to fade. “In the memories of the years we had, while you slept, I could look back and see the happy times… the fun times. If I looked back at strife, it was of the external source, of us against the Wilderness. How brave we were, I thought. But I never thought back much to the days of Ito. When you came for me but I gave you a cold shoulder, until… you gave up your memories. I should have made sure you were whole in my rush to get you back. I’m sorry for that.” And how much more? I can see the scars on his body, but what about the wounds elsewhere? The ones that mar more than just skin and tissue and bone?
I listen his heart beat, close my eyes and take in his smell. He still smells like he always has. “I’ve hurt you. You’ve hurt me. Is it too much? Is the hurt stronger than the love? Are we both just too flawed to have this?”
This, of course, I cannot answer for him. The man who loved me, once asked me to grow old with him, but who wouldn’t marry me. The father of my children, my future. I still love him. But is it enough, after all of this? Promises broken, and maybe I’m just not the woman who brings out the best in him, who puts enough of herself out there, who makes him live fully and openly, hiding nothing of himself under that endless blue sky. His the light of his universe.
My clumsy attempts at seduction, trying the old ways over and over… don’t work. They never did. Smoothing the way to make life -easy- for a man who never asked for that, when it was -me- that was afraid of challenge. I turn my face to softly, delicately, kiss the shoulder my head lies on. I lay and wait, watching the greyish light of dawn. How much longer will he sleep? I remember wondering that once more. -Years-, years in which he left.
But it’s not even dawn. For now… he can have his rest.
I wake up again in his place. Why?
“Great job running from your wife.” He says.
I shrug, “What did you want me to do? Hold her? Give her assurances? Take care of her just because she’s not right in the head?”
“Idiot. You didn’t have to run.” He seethes.
“Easy for you to say. I at least had the courage to finally be free of her!” I scoff at him. “You who took years dilly dallying around with your “wife” while already living with a family of your own.” I’d tell him, one he’d abandon but I can’t accuse him of something and do it myself.
He crosses his arms and looks down not making any movements, the cigarette dangling from his mouth hangs limply. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door and I wonder who could be -here-. This place out of nowhere, unreachable to anyone. So I go to open it.
“Don’t.” He says and I stop and look at him.
“Why?”
“It’s her. She comes more often. Her ghost.”
I look at the door, more solid now than before. The last time I saw her the door was opaque.
I grin, “Still can’t face your past?” I say.
“That’s not it. You truly are an idiot. Doesn’t she tell you anything?”
“Who’s she? Hide?”
He half snorts. “Not her. She wouldn’t know anything except to make promises she wouldn’t be able to keep.”
I glance back at him. That’s probably the first time I’ve heard him talk about his woman that way. I’d tell him, we’re sleeping in the same room right now. That what fun we’d have in the night if there’d be no strings attached. Would that drive this one insane? Angry perhaps? Or the opposite?
But I’m not here to poke a defanged wolf. I don’t do that to my kind, not seriously anyway. So I ask again, “Who is -she-? And what did this person tell you?”
“Opening the door, I’ll be able to speak to ghosts.”
I can’t help but bellow loudly. “You who -kill- for a living, afraid of ghosts? Do you understand how -laughable- that is?”
“Fool. Don’t you understand? It’s the way out.” He sighs and finally lights up his cigarette which he hasn’t offered one to me. “The easy way, just like she said I have that power.” He looks again at the door but the knocking has stopped.
And my face pales. He wouldn’t really do it would he? We had an -agreement-, that I’d put everything in order. Moving away from the door, I step up to him. If I don’t have much time since his will is -weak-, then a change is in order.
“We have to talk.”
(OOC: End of dream sequence. Saitou has been murmuring about speaking to ghosts.)
He’s dreaming and I can… I know it.
I smell smoke, even though it’s been hours since he last smoked. And it’s not his smoke, but something acrid… like that place.
Then he makes a sound. Barely talking. Ghosts. HIs breath has changed from deep sleep to something more shallow yet labored, like when he first overdosed on that medicine…
But which ghosts? Who is haunting him?
But in this place…. and now… and if he’s at that place. “Is she calling?” I ask, in a breath above a whisper. The only other person who would go there. Or ghost.
Saitou:
Something heavy on my chest, I think to myself and look down. At first I couldn’t make it out, in this dark room.
“Is she calling?”
“What are you doing here?” I ask. “Don’t you have your own room?”
I move a bit to sit up but ended up falling back to the futon due to vertigo. I close my eyes. Well at least it looks like we’re both fully clothed. I didn’t do anything to her. I take a couple of deep breaths.
What are you doing here? Don’t you have your own room?
“You were out drinking with Kanbee-san and he dragged you back here. You passed out…” I say. “I stayed.” We don’t sleep together anymore, in -either- sense.
I shift as he tries to sit up, put he falls back down, his eyes looking dazed for a minute before closing them. He breathes deeply and… it’s almost for a moment, in the low light, that he looks relieved. To be alive?
“You were having some sort of dream, just now. Do you remember?” I ask.
Saitou:
Oh yes I barely remember drinking last night. I tuned out Kanbee for the most part.
“I stayed.”
I look at her for a minute. I could tell her she didn’t have to. But she already did stay, “Thanks. I guess.”
“You were having some sort of dream, just now. Do you remember?”
I shake my head. It wasn’t that I don’t remember only that it was stupid to talk about it. Besides she’s not, we’re not in a position to talk about things. Much less things that are not from here.
“It’s still some ways away from morning. You can go back to sleep.” I retrieve the watch from my pocket, “We can catch the later train back to Tokyo.”
Thanks. I guess
He looks at me. He had to be aware, of coming back to Ueda-sama’s, in the shape he was in. Did he think I would sleep through it?
I’ve done it enough in the past.
Hajime shakes his head as I ask about the dream. “I smelled smoke,” I say, “like when I went looking for you, when you were in the hospital. It’s not your usual smoke.” I brush his bangs back. “Is that where you were?”
I’m told to go back to sleep… but I’m not going to sleep the rest of our time away. Instead, I keep my head on his chest as he checks his watch. “There’s somewhere else I want to go, before we leave Aizu. But it can wait for daylight.” Besides, Yukiko-san told us to take our time.
Is that where you were?
She brushes my bangs back just like before and I still…
I can only stare back at her. It would be so easy to… that’s what she wants, that’s what they all wanted… for me to give in. “I’m -here-, as you can see.”
There’s somewhere else I want to go, before we leave Aizu. But it can wait for daylight.
“The longer we stay here, the longer it will take to wrap things up.” I sigh, “but since you’ll likely not come back here after, sure… What place did you want to see?”
Will her request be a day trip? Maybe we can make the last train out of Aizu and still leave today.
I’m -here-, as you can see
He stares at me, and… I know that he knows that I knew where he went. As for what he said, I can feel the warmth of him under my cheek, through his clothes. I hear his heart beating.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I say, reaching for his hand. Do I have a right to this? To lay nestled against him, lacing my fingers through his? But it’s no seduction. But for a moment as he slept I felt that… something was fading. And for that I just need him close. For my own sake, but for him as well?
The longer we stay here, the longer it will take to wrap things up. But since you’ll likely not come back here after, sure… What place did you want to see?
Again, he speaks of time. Of getting this -over with- and I have to wonder… is that what he wants? Freedom from all of this, from me? Or… “I’ve just heard so much about some different places,” I say, “and since you’re right, I’ll probably not come back, I should see what I can for now.”
I pull the blanket up. “But you get some more sleep,” I say. He’s still too pale. “I’ll get up and get breakfast going shortly.”
(OOC – you may close for a new thread for the daytripping)
Is she really glad? I’m sure she thinks I’m just difficult, which I am. But she takes my hand and lays her head again on my chest. She’s listening for my heartbeat but what’s the point? He’s probably right that the longer this drags on, one of us will hate the other in the end, so why didn’t he open that door?
I should see what I can for now.
“Alright.” I say simply. I suppose I can go through the motions, maybe even pretend for a day that there’s still a point to all this.
I’ll get up and get breakfast going shortly.
“No. I actually don’t want to be attended to. I’ll find something else to eat later outside.” But I know she just wants to cook for someone, “but the old man will probably want some breakfast.”
I wait until she leaves and I smoke by the window. Wondering if he’s right after all.
(End)