I asked for him and his father said yes. To them it was at the spur of the moment but for me, not so. We walk together by one of the mountain paths, not quite leading to a forest but one where we can look down at the town below. Now truly his home. Aizu.
“I’m glad you came Otou-san. It’s only been a few months but I’m -glad-.”
I smoke quietly and don’t say anything. I just like to hear his voice even if I notice he doesn’t call me Chichi-ue anymore. He’s growing up faster than I remember. He’s taller too.
“I was worried, the letters from Ani-ue were distressing.”
I nod. “But it will be alright.” I’m tempted to reach out and ruffle his hair. I still miss him. There are some things that do not change and how I feel towards him has not. In fact how I felt about most everything has not. But it’s time for change, time to accept things that I cannot change and change those I -can-.
Taking a longer drag on my cigarette I decide it’s time to tell him.
“I told your brother and now it’s time to tell you as well…” I pause, wondering for a moment if it was the right thing to do. After everything, it still ended up like this. “I’m leaving your mother. It’s been made official.”
He looks down for a minute and then his gaze settles towards one of the quiet streets below. “I always had fantasies that you and mother would somehow get back together.” He smiles a little, “Even when I met Yagi-san, I still once in a while would think maybe -somehow-. I always felt guilty I thought that even after meeting Makoto-chan and hearing about the new baby.”
He looks to his side again, “I felt bad for thinking that… But Otou-san I’m glad you and Yagi-san will finally…”
“No.” I interrupt him. “Don’t feel bad for thinking that. You and your brother were made to love your mother, because that’s what I -wished-.” Ever since the wilderness, when they became -alive- just as a thought, that was my wish.”
Ashing the cigarette I address his other statement. “And I’m not divorcing your mother to be with Hide. In fact…” It’s my turn I guess to stare at the faraway street, “we’re likely going our separate ways as well. In fact we already have.” I grin bitterly at the words I used, “likely”? It’s not a likely but a definite thing. She may deny it. I may even try to find that hope but in the end? Our words don’t match our actions. I found myself doing exactly what I did in the wilderness but I…
“But what about Makoto and the baby?” He looks up at me and I can’t help but smile at him, at his genuine concern for his siblings.
“Ai-chan… Her name is Ai.” I stop for a moment thinking about our young daughter. Who will take care of her as she grows up? But that’s a silly thought, of course her mother and her family.
“Yoshi, just because two people don’t find themselves together anymore doesn’t mean the children will not be cared for or the children go unloved.” I tilt my head just looking at him for a long moment, “Look at you. Look at your brother. Do you think you are unloved and not taken cared of?”
He shakes his head. “I’m very happy Otou-san. I’m happy with the Namuzawa’s and in Aizu.”
I nod my head several times. I knew it instinctively but it’s still difficult I suppose.
“So that’s the reason I called you out here so early. I wanted you to know because she is your mother.” I sigh a little and finish the last of my cigarette, “Your mother deserves freedom and so do I. She may not see it the same as I but after this she can be free.” No sense trying to keep a husband who gave up a long time ago. Maybe the freedom will bring her something different perhaps something new. And for me? Some peace so I can sleep.
It’s then that I feel a familiar and warm hand in mine. “Let’s have some breakfast Otou-san? Before you see mother.”