Ueda:
It was with much surprise that I find myself having guests this evening. They brought dinner – a chinese carp dish- and so I decided to put away the vinegared fish that Akane left, it will keep for tomorrow.
I welcomed her mostly due to him. I never thought he’d actually want to live, but does he really? And even with my bad eyesight I can feel the distance between them.
Since Yagi-san offered to clean up and Gorou wanted me to step outside while he smoked, I go ahead and enjoy the night air. I sit on the edge of the engawa while he stands in the small courtyard smoking. I can see his sillouhete and trail of smoke, he’s changed much from the young man who lived simply with my daughter – well except for that one incident. But most of those from Aizu has changed, a sign of the times.
“I called you out here Ojii-san to let you know that Hide would like to make right the slight that happened in Tokyo.”
“Shouldn’t she do that herself?” I ask. “Why does she need you to be her front?”
He shakes his head, “I didn’t come to Aizu for this. It just so happened I have some unfinished business with Tokio.”
I glance back at him, “So you’re finally going to do it? Why now? Do you want to live?”
“Don’t ask questions you can’t handle the answers to old man.”
And with such a simple answer I know he’s no better than when I left him in the hospital. “I thought when you brought her here, you were finally living the life you wanted – not just your job but the family you craved.”
“I didn’t “crave” for anything. I -had- a family and you can see how that ended or rather -will- end.”
“Fine. I’ll go back in then and prepare the receiving room so Yagi-san can relieve her conscience.”
“At least be truthful Ojii-san.”
“I always am my son. It’s you and her who has not been.”
“I’ll follow you in a minute.” He tells me and just smokes there.
Going inside, I first go to the bedroom at the back. If this is it, the last then I too should ensure all is in order.
(OOC: Ueda is in the receiving room. It is small, dimly lit. Saitou will follow inside if Hide doesn’t immediately go to the room.)
It’s a quiet dinner and I’m left to clean up afterwards, but there’s not much to see to, since Hajime brought in dinner for us as we went through town.
Trying to keep up with his pace in the hills of Aizu was trying without my stick… but he’s going so fast now. It’s not his old restlessness that he demonstrated so much in the Wilderness, but something else. Like he has to hurry, that he can’t stop.
What would happen, if he stopped? Or is stopping at this point what he tried to do in his office that day? I too… I look out the window above the counter, out to the dark mountains beyond. I too have sought death, in these times. I wanted to stop hurting, stop hurting him with every word, every action… there was that day I would have let Souji finish what he wanted to do at Judgement, or just do it myself with my tanto. Unfair to the woman I’ve befriended, to look for that at a place dedicated to preserving life.
I turn slightly and the light behind me shifts, and instead of outside, I see my own reflection in the window glass. I look at it, and then look away. I do spend too much time in my own head, feeling sorry for myself.
I find my way to the small receiving room. There’s only a single light, and Ueda-sama sits there, alone. I hesitate at the door. I don’t… have one of my speeches prepared. I don’t know what to say.
I sit across from Ueda-sama, and bow deeply. “Thank you for seeing me, Ueda-sama, without any notice. Hajime was kind enough to escort me here.”
Ueda:
“Thank you for seeing me, Ueda-sama, without any notice. Hajime was kind enough to escort me here.”
I bow slightly. “He told me he had other business that took him here. But I imagine it would be difficult for you to find your way back by yourself but there was no need to.”
Then I hear the sliding of the shoji door open and see him enter. He sits seiza mostly at a distance to our side. And I have to wonder, why is he here? Was it at the behest of Yagi-san and if so, that is surprising.
He’s reserved, which I expect.
But I imagine it would be difficult for you to find your way back by yourself but there was no need to.
I bow again as Hajime enters, almost silently, sitting apart from both of us. “Ueda-sama, you came to our home in Tokyo… as upset as you were with me, you still were willing to give me the boxes, but I didn’t have the courage to ask about them. So instead, I betrayed the trust you had in me, as well as Akane-san’s kindness, and stole them.” I shake my head. “And then I used the secrets within each box… I told myself I was doing it out of love, but it was out of something much uglier – desperation.. and trying to find an easy answer to a complicated problem.” Desperation I felt because I thought that the secrets gave me power – to unlock something, to save something. But it wasn’t honest, or sincere. It wasn’t -loving-. It was offensive – to Ueda-sama, to Hajime, to Yaso-san… even to Tokio-san.
He also accused me of not caring, of just going through the motions. For that there are no words to respond to that. Only actions.
“I wanted to come here not to relieve my own soul… but because an apology is the only appropriate action.” I remember him at the hospital, the cutting words, the way he saw through me. I look across the dim room at him. “I’m done running away, Ueda-sama. I wish to face the mistakes I’ve made.” I bow my head again. “A father should not see his son near death as you had to, and for putting him there…” I falter. How do you say “sorry” for making a man wish to kill himself, for taking away his will to live, as Ueda-sama said it? “Ueda-sama… please forgive Hajime for what I drove him to do, by rejecting the world he made for us.”
Ueda:
I’m not here to put this woman down. In fact after Tokyo I decided I said what needed to be said and to leave it to rest. Still I want to know…
“You had the courage to steal but not the courage to ask. Why is that?”
Did she think we were unreasonable people or perhaps she looked down on us Aizu folks?
“And then I used the secrets within each box… I told myself I was doing it out of love, but it was out of something much uglier – desperation.. and trying to find an easy answer to a complicated problem.”
“And what is this complicated problem?” Because one who wants to face her troubles should know what the problem is. And I hear a slight snort coming from Goro but for now I ignore it.
“A father should not see his son near death as you had to, and for putting him there…” “Ueda-sama… please forgive Hajime for what I drove him to do, by rejecting the world he made for us.”
“One shouldn’t bear witness to that especially not to a son who’s managed to live through all the turmoil of the restoration.” I glance back at Goro, remembering the choices he’s made to move on from the land of Gonohe, to live.
It’s then that he finally speaks.
“She assumes too much. I didn’t take my life.” He sighs, “I was just looking for a way to make -my- living more palatable. I couldn’t care -less- if she didn’t want this world.”
I turn to him for moment, “And yet you came to me as this world was ending and gave me your box of memories.” I put it in front of me, “You didn’t have to. It could’ve disappeared like the rest, like I would have but the man who came to me, desperately wanted to preserve something of his past which includes -her-.” I nod my head towards Yagi-san but he simply looks away and shakes his head.
Turning back to her, I continue, “His box of memories. You can keep it if he doesn’t want it anymore.” It’s not that she deserves the box, only that I know he will no longer return here to retrieve it. He seems determined to move past even Akane and I.
You had the courage to steal but not the courage to ask. Why is that?
I look down, at first, to my hands, then back to him. “It takes cowardice to steal, Ueda-sama. Not courage. I wanted the past on my own terms, but it’s not up to me to dictate if it makes me comfortable, or secure, or if I -like- it. And for someone who showed much kindness to me – I disrespected not only Yaso-san but those she loved most.” I look at the single light in the room. The center of the flame makes me think of that white place where I met her, where she took me before the smoke could choke me.
And what is this complicated problem?
I hear Hajime’s sound of derision, and I’m quiet for a moment. “I kept thinking I could find an easy answer. His watch… a foolish notion that it held the answer. I thought the right words, or a kiss at the right time, could ‘fix’ things. Or… instead of getting to know him, I instead stole secrets and told what weren’t mine to tell.”
“But I wasn’t loving him for who he -is- – or I didn’t show him. When he needed me to love all of him, I turned away. When he needed to be listened to, to be seen – by the woman he once relied on – I didn’t do that. I wasn’t there when he came home from bad days. I worry too much about ‘outside’ and missed ‘inside’. He didn’t just build me a garden, he made me a world. A world where there’s sun and rain… and I can’t check out when it rains. But while there’s so much to do, people who need us, the heart of the world comes down to -us- – and by letting that wither, by letting our relationship come down to escapism – that core started to wither.” I smile sadly. “It’s no wonder he’d never marry me – he already had one failed marriage with a woman who wanted him to be a different man.”
“You didn’t just leave for the same reason that you’re set upon running all over Japan to ‘wrap up’ things now. You don’t want to go – and this is from a man who knows how to move on, who has -had- to. You have the power to make this all disappear… just like that night. I thought…” I shake my head. “I should let you go, like I thought Yaso-san had, to be happy again, and that you’d leave right away and find the path where you wanted to be. Back in time, even, before I caused you so much pain – -you- have always had that power. But you stayed. You stayed and let me sleep next to you, to kiss you and share songs.” I lower my head. “And you didn’t call in my shadow to take over. Just like you didn’t want her when you woke up again. If you wanted this -done-, I wouldn’t be here now.” Himura-san didn’t get it all… but she was right, he was crying out, telling me all along.
His box of memories. You can keep it if he doesn’t want it anymore.
I take the box, tracing its simple lid. “Once, you opened it to show me things, but I didn’t press that day. I was more interested in showing you that I wasn’t going to bother you financially, and then I sought physical intimacy, when… I should have instead tried to get to know you when you were ready to tell me.” I turn to Hajime. “This should be a treasure for your children, and their children, but without the context you provide, what is it? A collection of naughty pictures, some trinkets, and some letters. Unless someone knows you, that’s all they’ll ever be.” I look back at Ueda-sama. “I’ll become its caretaker, but only if its owner will tell me about what is inside, and why its there.”
“Ueda-sama, do you have the other box?”
Ueda:
She tells me about her cowardice and I can only agree but it didn’t really answer my question. I realize perhaps she doesn’t know herself if she believes what she just said.
“Not everything that would happen is what you’d want but it can certainly be on your own terms. It’s up to you to decide to be comfortable, secure or even if you’ll like what’s happening or not.”
I thought the right words, or a kiss at the right time, could ‘fix’ things. Or… instead of getting to know him, I instead stole secrets and told what weren’t mine to tell.”
And immediately I understood that she went through my daughters private thoughts. I did myself many years ago to see how important it was and it became my life’s mission for my son-in-law to hear what my adopted daughter had to say. I could take further offense, be angry but just like I told her it’s up to us to make these decisions… I control my immediate reaction.
I can’t check out when it rains. But while there’s so much to do, people who need us, the heart of the world comes down to -us- – and by letting that wither, by letting our relationship come down to escapism – that core started to wither.” “It’s no wonder he’d never marry me – he already had one failed marriage with a woman who wanted him to be a different man.”
“So why are you still here Yagi-san? You said it yourself, Goro will never marry you and it seems the rain isn’t going to let up. What makes you different now than you were, what a week ago?”
And suddenly she starts addressing Goro directly. Calling him out for not walking out. Because he could if he really wanted to and I get a glimpse into their life and I wonder was this recent or is she recalling old times before he decided to stop wanting to live. To truly live.
She takes his box of memories and I’m surprised that he actually did try to share it with her. But should I be? I saw him with my daughter, in the early part of their living and for a quiet man he certainly tried to open to those he trust. But not only that, my daughter would ask him more, wanted to hear more as if their time was precious but hindsight is 20/20 and I realize now how much my daughter was making the most of their borrowed time.
“Ueda-sama, do you have the other box?”
“This is ridiculous.” Suddenly he stands up. “You two can go and play with your boxes.” He storms out and I hear him go up the stairs to one of the bedrooms.
I bring out the other box. “You’ve already read my daughter’s secrets and apparently told of it. Now Yagi-san what do you intend to do with it?”
It’s up to you to decide to be comfortable, secure or even if you’ll like what’s happening or not
“Sometimes… one should feel discomfort. I’ve lead a comfortable life. When we met, we got to play around wherever we wanted. But I avoided trouble for so long, that when it happened… my reactions were exaggerated.” I lower my head. “I -react- when I should -act-, I just get… scared. Instead of trusting in Hajime, that Hiko or Sir Howard may come with challenges, I could only see all paths leading to doom.” I look at my hands, “but that thinking… that a mild disquiet could end us…. is why our lives are where they are. Because how can a man -live- with a woman who is afraid to live?”
I wonder how much Yaso-san knew about her own health. Did she know, that her time was limited? But the letter showed a woman who didn’t cower, who instead… did what she had to. “I cannot be afraid of living anymore… even if I’m fated to do so without Hajime.” I’ve not spoken this -thought- out loud, as if even thinking it would make it truth…
I know what it is to be alone. Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid. I had the years of being the priestess of the temple of the Shinsengumi, keeping the softer side of their memory alive, in a respectable form of a village girl. Souji’s girl. The bad thing there was that I believed all of it, and papered over the memories of chasing after a man who could not return love. Then there was Ito. If not for the child in my belly, and then, she was there… I would have -ceased-. Of course, that rotted me, too. I was so cold to it all that when the miracle of Hajime’s return happened… I was too numb to feel it. It took him, again, losing parts of himself for me to fully embrace him.
What he does to himself, in the name of loving me… it’s not -fair-. He sacrifices himself while I run.
Ueda-sama doesn’t speak as I confess to having read the letter, and told… but I see a flash of anger in his dark eyes. I wish he would yell at me, have it out… no, that’s my self-pity speaking.
So why are you still here Yagi-san? You said it yourself, Goro will never marry you and it seems the rain isn’t going to let up. What makes you different now than you were, what a week ago?
Never marry me…. it hurts for yet another to acknowledge this. Can he see me flinch? But then I raise my head, and blink back the tears that want to come. “I’m no better a woman than I was a week ago, no. But I’m learning that you can’t avoid the rain. Adversity is when we grow. Adversity shows the truth in people. I’ve not always liked seeing the truth about myself,” I admit. “I wish… I -want-… to be someone who can handle the hard times.” I want to be that… but can I actually be?
It’s then Hajime proclaims that this is ridiculous. He’d been quiet this entire time, I think, as he leaves the room, and I can hear his footsteps, going upstairs.
You’ve already read my daughter’s secrets and apparently told of it. Now Yagi-san what do you intend to do with it?
I look at that other box, ashamed…. I… then I sit up straight. “When I told him, Ueda-sama, he sneered at me. Told me that he was a good detective and already knew it all. But…” I pause, “if he knew, why not take the box, to at least fulfill the wishes of a man he sees as a father? He could have, and then shut it away again. But… I think that even if he knows, he doesn’t want to -know-.” I close my eyes, and let out a breath. “I want him to live again, Ueda-sama. And I no longer foolishly believe that there’s a single key or a simple answer, but in order to go forward, with anyone… he should listen to her voice one more time.”
Ueda:
I could only see all paths leading to doom.”“but that thinking… that a mild disquiet could end us…. is why our lives are where they are. Because how can a man -live- with a woman who is afraid to live?”
“But Yagi-san, you were a woman who lived through the revolution as well. I don’t know how difficult it was in Kyoto but our Daimyo was sent there because of the long standing disturbance and after that? I can only imagine.” Because the Meiji must have treated all Tokugawa supporters as enemies. That is what the western armies are like until the men of Aizu proved their worth and we were allowed to return to our land.
“I cannot be afraid of living anymore… even if I’m fated to do so without Hajime.”
I simply nod at that. He is a man who is stubborn to a fault once he’s made a decision. And in the end it will be two who will want to continue and only one to put an end. Just like in any union formal or informal like this one.
Adversity is when we grow. Adversity shows the truth in people. I’ve not always liked seeing the truth about myself,” “I wish… I -want-… to be someone who can handle the hard times.”
“And you should because life is full of hard times.” And I watch as Goro leaves. He heard what she said, but does he accept it? Is his leaving a sign that he doesn’t believe her or to push her to action? And now we’re alone.
“I want him to live again, Ueda-sama. And I no longer foolishly believe that there’s a single key or a simple answer, but in order to go forward, with anyone… he should listen to her voice one more time.”
I look at the box that I’ve cared for, for many years. It’s too late for my daughter but maybe not for him… perhaps maybe even for them.
“You can take it but…” I pause listening to the sudden stillness after I hear the door lock. He must’ve gone to sleep. “Know the proper time to ask, tonight is not it. Perhaps even -here- is not.”
She said it herself, it will take time and will she just react? Thinking it is “acting”? And if she gets rejected once or twice, will she give up? “I’ve asked this of him each time he has visited and got turned down each time.” She can take that as she wishes, a sign of failure or a sign of hope.
I bow slightly, “I apologize but I’ll not be able to accompany you upstairs so you will have to help yourself to the spare bedroom. It sounds like Goro took the other.”
(OOC: Ueda is done. Hide can end or ask further. Saitou has sequestered himself in the other room so obviously they are not sleeping together tonight.)
I smile, ruefully. “War, real trouble… I could handle better. Too often, I did what I had to because there was nobody else at the end – the Shinsengumi were gone and mostly dead, my father fell ill and died, and then my mother. We became targets, there wasn’t much money. Life was scary and uncertain… and for my brothers, who were children, it was on me. I didn’t dwell on what could be lost – I just did what needed doing.”
I thought that everything was a test of my fidelity. Instead, there were three challenges that were meant to be on a totally different level. Was I so arrogant that I thought that men were going to throw themselves at me, swooning? I misunderstood, and doubled down, mistaking stubbornness for strength.
You can take it but… Know the proper time to ask, tonight is not it. Perhaps even -here- is not.
Did he know, that until I heard the overly loud ‘click’ of a lock, that my urge was to run upstairs? And what would I have done? Begged? Scolded? -Those things don’t work-. “But I don’t have too long, Ueda-sama, before he’s lost to me forever.” And to what other voices? I bow. “Thank you for letting me be the guardian of this.” And to myself, I promise that should I fail… I’ll return it here. She and their son deserves better.
“I’ve asked this of him each time he has visited and got turned down each time
I nod. I knew this, of course. I didn’t press then. His past was his past!, or so I cheerfully told myself. He’ll tell me when he wants! Foolish woman…
But Ueda-sama looks tired. I’d want to know more… but he’s given me some tonight to think on. “Thank you, Ueda-sama, For having us here, and for your counsel. Both are deeply appreciated.” I stand up. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I’ll need directions, for one. And the other… maybe there’s more I can ask.
I go upstairs. Hajime is in the room we shared the last time. When Ai-chan was just a little fluttering who made me ill at the worst times. I go to the other room, to the window, it’s snowing now, lightly, and I lean my head against the glass to watch it by the bits of moonlight which peek through the clouds. It’s so peaceful, when’s the last time I saw snow?
I’m tired, having not slept on the train. I should get out the futon… change… but I can’t stop watching the snow, my mind swirling just like the flakes in the air.
(OOC – Hide falls asleep sitting up. Close)