In my room, I check one more time my luggage, and admire my newest possession – a pair of fine boots, courtesey of Midori-chan.
She came by earlier, after receieving a package from the shoemaker, that she had recently outgrown her boots and would I like to save her old ones for Makoto-chan? I agreed, even though she turned down payment… for my tight household budget, a new pair of those expensive things are always a stretch, so I took them. And, looking at them, tried them on, and they fit perfectly, with some room to spare. Ah, but Midori-chan is tall, and I’m not at all. And I like the way the lacing supports my ankle… and they would be nice to have in Aizu, which is a cold place – I remember the snow wetting my tabi the last time we were there.
Which was just back in January, by the calendar on the kitchen wall, but for me? Years… I sigh, setting the boots carefully to the side to wear tomorrow.
I then feed Ai-chan. “Soon enough, real food for you,” I tell her as she finishes up, spitting up just a bit. Yes, she’s ready for real food… that red lacquer bowl from Hajime’s last visit to Aizu seems to shine a bit everytime I open the cabinet I’ve put it up in. “You see, little one, we make all sorts of fine food, but poor baby, only gets some squished rice,” I say, tapping her nose and she makes one of her funny noises.
I’ve just been trying to keep busy. Did he go and see her, like he said he would, so -casually-. Oh, Hide, I’m going to see my other woman. Just thought you should know. It’s hard, to remember, how Himura-san categorized it. That it’s not about him and her, but about the two of us. And seeing her today… touching our baby, making sure Yukiko-san knows who she is…
I get up, bringing Ai-chan with me, to start dinner.
(OOC – if there’s any interacting to be done, this is the place. Otherwise if you wish to move on without, please note as such)
I hear the plates being put away, I didn’t arrive until past dinner time so I take opportunity to wash up and change to a new black shirt. I look at my neck and I’m seeing bruises from the injections but then I notice a couple of them are not. I move closer to the mirror and narrow my eyes, it’s likely sucking marks? But how? Why?
I think of changing back into a higher collared shirt but decide not to. Because more importantly, why would I worry if the marks are there? I don’t remember doing anything and even if I did, what would it matter? I can’t help but grin incredulously at myself on the mirror. Finishing up I go to the kitchen.
Eiji is there and interestingly Makoto is still up. Shouldn’t she be asleep by now? I nod an acknowledgment to Eiji. And I see Hide tending to Ai. I give Ai a passing glance, just to see if there’s any obvious signs of illness but she seems to be content in her mother’s arms.
“Otou-san, we’ve not had a chance to talk but I stopped by Yamakawa-sama the other day.”
I raise an eyebrow at that, “Well there would’ve been no need if you do exactly as what I say and take over my brother’s house.”
“I thought speaking to Yamakawa-sama and getting my army status reinstated would be helpful however Yukiko decides.”
With a shrug I start smoking. I stymie a scowl at that. I let Yukiko go this morning but that doesn’t mean in the end she gets to really decide. After all it’s her -duty- to ensure the Yamaguchi line continues now that I am unable to. “Well I suppose you’re right. It’s good to have a profession and I’m glad you’re saving face with your benefactor.”
It’s then that I decide to turn to Makoto. We’ll be gone soon and it wouldn’t be the first time to leave our daughter but I just want to check in with her I guess.
“Kind of late for you to be up Makoto-chan? I’ve been busy and your mother and I are going to Aizu to finish some business there. I hope you’ll be a good girl.” Of course that not only goes for this time but for all other times where we or rather I may not be present. I ruffle her hair.
She’s a good and brave girl, when Tanaka’s men took her, this daughter held up well. And today, that threat no longer exists but are there others? But just like that official said, she’s under the Yagi house hardly traceable back to me unless they see my acknowledgment letters under the Fujita house. And the further I am, the better it will be for them.
(Hide)
I heard him in our room and the washroom, first, before he enters? I look at him and maybe he could wash her smell off… but I know the look of fresh love-bites -well-. I clench my jaw and narrow my eyes, before going to the stove. “I’ve made you a plate, since both of you made it clear that you’d be home late,” I say, in a low voice, aware of Makoto and her interested ears fixed on us and wanting to preserve her innocence as long as possible. I turn to him, feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach. For all of that nicely meant advice about him hurting and crying out, he’s going to draw blood from me too, and he has a willing partner in it.
Is the hurt greater than the love?
I can’t hide the pain, the disappointment in my face as I hand him his food, and place a cup of coffee on the table. With the warm weather holding, I made a light dinner, zaru soba with a grilled fish and some vegetables from the garden. The noodles still aren’t up to my standards of perfect equal thickness throughout the entire noodle, but I figure it’s as good of a test as any of me adapting to what my hands can and cannot do.
But he’s moved on to talking with EIji-san, his impatience almost visible despite his passive face. “I’m going to put Ai-chan up, I’ll be right back.” I lean her over and she pats Hajime’s forehead, grabbing at his bangs but not catching it, gurgling at bit at her actions.
“Makoto-chan, your father’s right, it’s past your bedtime,” I say as I leave. Ai-chan yawns. She had a big day today.
(Makoto)
Kind of late for you to be up Makoto-chan? I’ve been busy and your mother and I are going to Aizu to finish some business there. I hope you’ll be a good girl.
Finishing business in Aizu? My eyes light up – I’ve heard the grown-ups talking (here and at school!), sometimes, when they didn’t know I was listening! That in Aizu is Tsutomu-niisan’s mother, and there’s something and something and it sounds boring but then – “so you’ll be able to make me and Ai-chan a Fujita? Just like you and oniisan?” I bounce a little, that would be the best, some of the teachers (the ones who are frownier) say “Yamaguchi” like it’s something funny. Plus! I want to belong to them! I throw my arms around him. “Chichiue, I’ll be very, very good while you’re gone and -always-!”
I let go and grin up at him. I’m getting taller but he’s still so much bigger! “I’m going to go now, so you can see how good I am!” That and Midori-san will probably need help with her English homework. She’s hopeless at it!
I hear hahaue coming back. “Goodnight, hahaue, chichue, Eiji-san!”
(OOC – Exit Makoto and Hide returns)
“I’m going to put Ai-chan up, I’ll be right back.”
She hurriedly sets my plate and has a look on her face that indicated she just wanted out. She also ensures to take Ai with her immediately after she leans Ai over. At least I got a look at the baby and she doesn’t look sick at all.
Then she makes sure to remind Makoto to promptly go to bed as she disappears. Always running and hiding. I must’ve disappointed her, or rather I failed to measure up to the man in her mind – but it doesn’t matter. It never really mattered. So I turn my attention to Makoto.
“so you’ll be able to make me and Ai-chan a Fujita? Just like you and oniisan?”
“Your mother wants to meet with Ueda-sama and I’m going to see Yoshi and some friends.” I pull my child near, “One day when you’re a lot older, if you want to become a Fujita just ask Tomu. Soon in a year or two he’ll be the head of the Fujita house.” I smile at her and make a note to myself to check in on that stubborn son of mine tonight.
“I’m going to go now, so you can see how good I am!”
“That’s my girl.” I only grin.
“I’m going to go up and retire too father.” Eiji bows at me as he leaves. Well I’ll let him sleep, I’ll need everyone asleep before I speak to Tomu.
I turn to the food. It’s a good spread, an old one that I used to like. I’m sure it’s prepared the same way but it no longer tastes the same. I wonder is it because it’s no longer made with the same thought behind it? Or is it me, who used to think it was the best cooking? I’m sure if there was a third party here, someone else she wants to cook for, it’d taste very lovely. But it’s nutrition and it’s best not to waste food.
(Makoto)
He pulls me close too and I feel so silly for those bad dreams I keep having! And he says to ask oniisan about becoming a Fujita. “Why him? You’re the chichiue, don’t you make the rules for the family?” I ask, tilting my head. That’s what I learned in school. Then someone asked what happens if there is no otousan, and my teacher said, if your mother is a widow, your father’s male next of kin is the head; if your mother is unmarried, then it’s her family. Which is silly! My Kyoto uncles are nice enough but they’re no chichiue!
But he’s happy that I’ve promised to be good. I’ll even help Yukiko-san with the baby. I bet now that Midori-san is here, Tsutomu-kun won’t help with bathtime anymore. Poor Ai-chan!
(Hide)
He looks at the baby a bit quizzically and I wonder for a minute – oh, yes, she probably told him about earlier. That I was hauling around a sick child and forcing it to vomit on her. Provoke, provoke, from all sides, but -why-? Is she bored? I wonder, as I put down Ai-chan, who drifts off quickly. Or is that how he likes women now, moving around and making things -happen-, stirring up the world and then watching how it settles (or not) back down?
When I come back, both Makoto and Eiji-san are gone. Hajime eats the food with little interest. “I can’t be that bad of a cook now, am I?” I say. Once I thought that my cooking was a good way to show love, but it was told to me…. That it wasn’t -enough-, that it was foolish to even think that it was for a man like him, a demanding, unrelenting wolf. And though I blame my hand… I know something is missing in my cooking, some of the magic that my grandmother passed down since I learned at her side. I try to grin, but it falls as my attempt at being light falls as well.
I come over to where he sits, and run my fingertips along his neck. One, I think, is a puncture mark, and unless another thing followed us from London, it must be those drugs from Tenma-sensei… but the rest?
“That there’s another woman you take to bed, who sits in your lap. who covers your scent with hers – and now your skin with her marks…” I sit down at the table, “Was that what I was, in the beginning? A way to get someone else to notice you? Your errant wife?” I look at him. “That didn’t work, the most she could be bothered to do is to trap you for a couple of weeks. And I… took it as a test of my trust in you, instead of what -you- needed.” I look down at the table, as my voice comes out rough, harsh. “I want you away from her.” My eyes go back to his, can I even ask this, demand this? The part of me that wants to be -kind- tells me that she’s providing something I can’t… no. “You don’t matter to her the way you do to me. I’m sorry… that it took all of this for me to understand. And -I- want her out of your life. I am jealous of what you’re having with her – not just the sex, but the intimacy. She’s told me of it.”
I realize that I’ve been leaning closer to him as I talk, and I say, quietly, “the question all along.. comes down to, is the love greater than the pain, the anger? Can it endure and still come out the other side as something recognizable? Can I still see you for who you are? The man who just wanted to know what he actually means to me? Should I have pushed more, pried more, to find out all of your secrets, the past that you won’t share, decipher the codes hidden in so many of your words? I don’t demand; I waited. But you wanted more action, more activity than just words.” I sit back in my own chair. And that’s all I’m offering now, isn’t it? Words?
“Why him? You’re the chichiue, don’t you make the rules for the family?”
“I do and I -did-. Tomu will know what to do and when you’re older, you can join the house.” Because that’s why I made that letter, if anyone one of them wanted to join the house even the current head couldn’t deny an acknowledgment filed in the home ministry of a former head. But I know my son, he would never deny his sister.
It’s quiet for a while until Hide comes in.
“I can’t be that bad of a cook now, am I?”
I finish up. “No the food was fine. Thank you for the meal.”
Without warning she’s touching my neck. I suppose inspecting it.
“Was that what I was, in the beginning? A way to get someone else to notice you? Your errant wife?” “That didn’t work, the most she could be bothered to do is to trap you for a couple of weeks.
I’m taken aback, to talk about my wife or rather now my ex-wife in such a manner and how I failed to reach Tokio, much like I failed to reach -her-. Why is she asking me this? But I decide to answer, “If that’s what you thought, then you’re mistaken.”
“That didn’t work, the most she could be bothered to do is to trap you for a couple of weeks. And I… took it as a test of my trust in you, instead of what -you- needed.”
“Well don’t worry, I took what I needed anyway.” Just companionship because back then it was offered freely. I suppose is it any different with Aioi, ah but Aioi’s isn’t free and hers isn’t either and so I wait for what’s next. I already knew what it was.
“I want you away from her.” “You don’t matter to her the way you do to me. I’m sorry… that it took all of this for me to understand. And -I- want her out of your life. I am jealous of what you’re having with her – not just the sex, but the intimacy. She’s told me of it.”
“I don’t think an apology is in order for you or myself.” I stand up. “And I won’t do as you say. Aioi is…” I could tell her that Aioi is important to me, not like she had been but Aioi is -there-. “she’s an important asset and not one to be replaced so easily. I’m not done using her services yet.” Of course I mean the gray areas of policing.
“the question all along.. comes down to, is the love greater than the pain, the anger? Can it endure and still come out the other side as something recognizable? Can I still see you for who you are? The man who just wanted to know what he actually means to me? Should I have pushed more, pried more, to find out all of your secrets, the past that you won’t share, decipher the codes hidden in so many of your words? I don’t demand; I waited. But you wanted more action, more activity than just words.”
And she goes on this long discourse again. “Isn’t it obvious, that test has failed a while ago and my apologies for being such a discombobulation to you.” It wasn’t even a test, just a request to a woman who I thought I might share a life with. But I’ve given up on all that. I can’t keep -waiting- on a person who had no courage or maybe even interest. I told her before I probably bored her to death. In that sense I guess if she wanted to compare my failures with Tokio, then this isn’t too off the mark.
“I’ve had a long day and we leave early tomorrow. So excuse me.”
I leave and retire to the tatami room. I’ll speak to Tomu later.
(OOC Saitou exits)
My words only anger him, or worse… cold. It’s that coldness from him that makes me flail -so badly-. That I can’t find a way -in- past that defense.
He leaves me alone in the kitchen and I put my head on the table. I’m… drowning, I feel like. I’m swimming but no matter what way I try, I can’t seem to find the shore. Boat pass and offer what sounds like good advice, or to obstensibly cheer me on, but it’s up to me. It’s up to me.
I just…
He could have died but didn’t. The world could have wrapped up without him.
He could have replaced me with the shadow but has not. She would do whatever he wishes with no fuss. She’d already have the girls back to Kyoto by now. She tells me this, as she tugs on my sleeves and tells me to give up, to spare myself the shame of him -asking- for her.
Is that the hope I have left?
I get up and go to our room. I have to prepare for tomorrow. And look at the money, again, to afford this trip and whatever comes next.
(OOC – Close)