It’s late when I get to the house after stopping by the hospital to visit with Tenma. I rub the new puncture on my neck but the sting is long gone. I didn’t like the shot he gave me to my neck and I’m not sure if I could manage it by myself but soon I’d have to do it myself. I have to, he said, otherwise skipping doses would lead to side effects. But the last shot took me out for a good hour and I don’t remember much in between.
I look around at this place I once called home but it’s better not to think of it that way anymore. I go straight to the formal room and notice the the pillows were moved, actually all of them were. There must’ve been a visitor, but who? I guess it doesn’t matter. Visitors I remember only seemed to bring trouble to her or to this place that was supposed to be a sanctuary. I could never make it feel like it was her home, a safe place. But what’s new?
I kneel in front of the swordstand and look up. The flag is still there but it feels more imposing than it should be. With a deep breath I unsheath the sword that Hide let me borrow and look at it one last time. It’s not seen any use and it’s better that way, unblemished. Sheathing it back, I place it on the swordstand. At least it looks -perfect- paired with the wakizashi.
That done I stand up and take the other used sword wrapped in cloth to the tatami room. Taking it out I start the slow process of bringing this nameless sword back to its former glory. After all it -will- see use, a part of the orderly closure of this place. I’m glad that at least there’s something that never changes, this ever burning desire for what is just. Unlike those things that remained fickle and untrue. Justice that’s all that’s left and that’s enough.
As the night hours draw deeper, I take my sword, now sheathed and rest it against my shoulder while my back leans heavily against the wall. This is how a swordsman sleeps back in the day. I got too used to the comfortable bed, yielding sofa and the softness of pillows. I’d smoke but I’m pulled again into that overpowering sleep. I -have- to wake up tomorrow, there’s unfinished business for the Yamaguchi house.
I waited up tonight, but ended up dozing… after dinner I spent some time, bringing out linens and bedding, the most colorful I could find, to fight against the fading of this place. It’s just -dressing-, but no matter. It’s a stupid way to fight back in the face of everything else, but…
By the time I wake up, it’s in the depth of night. I walk quietly. I go to the tatami room, which he’s made his now. Himura-san seemed uncomfortable being in our bedroom today, but it’s been a long time since it was a space of comfort and intimacy for Hajime and I.
I enter the tatami room, and smell the oil swordsmen use… and Hajime leans against the wall, with a new sword, in deep sleep. This sitting up sleeping I saw a lot in the old days. Ready to spring into action in a time of war. Is this what this place is now for him? War?
I should let him rest…
No.
I take one of the blankets from the chest, and sit down next to him, and nudge him, slightly, with a kiss on the shoulder. “Wake up, please.” I wrap the blanket around him.
“Wake up, please.”
Let me sleep a bit more. It’s cold and the ground is still frozen and -always- will be.
“Wake up, please.”
Isn’t it enough that my sword broke? I’d almost groan.
But then there’s something wrapped around me and it’s a little warmer. I open my eyes and realize…
“What do you need from me?” I ask, lifting my head. Shaking off the drowsiness and straightening my back. It’s not even morning yet.
He takes a minute to rouse, and as he shakes his head, and blinks. Was he dreaming?
What do you need from me?
What a question to answer… but I only answer it for what I asked for – for him to wake up.
“Yesterday, why did my sister give you her favorite teacup?” She’d never give it to me. This I know. She doesn’t keep physical things like I do, like Hajime does, so this one object means something. “And you were gone for so long, why? She knew you were going to spare Souji… and… I know she looks more like I did, once. Please… tell me.”
“Kinstugi.” I say, “She said that what’s broken can be made useful again. Working with failure. Nothing precious should disappear.”
I look at her for a moment, I know her sister gave the cup to me but it’s too late. But for the two of them maybe it’s not too late. “I think your sister wanted to give it to you, maybe to make amends? Give you a message. She was leaving after all.”
“And you were gone for so long, why? She knew you were going to spare Souji… and… I know she looks more like I did, once. Please… tell me.”
I’d spare Souji? I wasn’t sure until the last moment when I did spare him. I have no evidence against him after all except his self admission of murder but where were the bodies? Where was the complaint? It’s good he never met the Battousai.
But I go ahead and answer her question, “She wanted to give me that. And to tell me she knew I was coming for her in the wilderness looking for you. I apologized to her for that time. It won’t happen again however as she told me being with me you’d have to kill her and you won’t do that even for me.” I smirk a little, “I never asked for that much but I’m glad to know what the boundaries were. It won’t be a problem now at least.”
I reach into my pocket and light a cigarette. Can’t believe I’ve gone on for so long without one.
And I think back to the conversation with her sister, that this woman in front of me was driven by love, not for me but it’s been her guiding star. I grin a little, “She said she and Souji were much more of a better match. So I guess, the best course for you is to forgive them and wish them well. Your sister gave you a parting gift after all and the police has made sure Okita is no longer in Japan – a matter of national security.” Not really… But it was easy enough to convince Kawaji that the most charismatic and dangerous swordsman of the Shinsengumi should be dealt with.
Kinstugi. he said that what’s broken can be made useful again. Working with failure. Nothing precious should disappear
I know the art. I didn’t understand that’s why she liked it. Then he adds that it was a message for me, to make amends. “She had a million chances to do that, Hajime, to give something to me in the places we once could meet, but only one chance to speak to you alone. Maybe she was speaking of your friendship with Souji?” A woman, coming between brothers. It’s an old story. But he’s near death, I’d be surprised if he lives long enough to see the shore of his new land, but he’s… wily, for a man supposedly accepting of death. Who knows?
however as she told me being with me you’d have to kill her and you won’t do that even for me
I look back up at him. Of course he’d kill for me. Kano is probably in the next world because of me. As is the imposter. “I thought she’d give up, abandon her ‘mission’, in the face of what we needed. Turns out she was a good deal more stubborn. To kill her…” I shake my head, and laugh, a bit bitterly. “Is that what she said it would take? For me to spill the blood of my own sister? After all, she was quick to try to kill me, although she used another. She makes it sound so easy.” I look at my own hands. “I never really entertained the thought. I thought… I could make enough speeches about love and need and… she’d give in, let me in. But she had her own needs.” Nothing precious should be lost, that cup says. Was she speaking about Hajime and I, or her own life? “But that was me again, using my words, instead of actions.” It all started cracking, so long ago, I think, looking at that smirk, as he speaks of -boundaries-. That the problem is over.
He lights up and I breathe in the smell.
She said she and Souji were much more of a better match. So I guess, the best course for you is to forgive them and wish them well.
“Of course they were. She was unfailingly loyal to him. I’m glad they found each other.” As for the next part. “I… will, in time, forgive them, but I won’t forget.” I accept what they’ve done, and that it’s wrong, even if I… didn’t fight it. I kneeled and bowed my head the first time, ran towards in the second. But I also don’t believe that the gift was for me.
Then I take a deep breath. “I need your help.”
“She had a million chances to do that, Hajime, to give something to me in the places we once could meet, but only one chance to speak to you alone. Maybe she was speaking of your friendship with Souji?”
“A friendship with Okita?” I can’t help but scoff slightly at that. “Alright since you remain unconvinced. She was making a last ditch effort in batting for you. That what we have is so rare, so precious…” I can’t help but not finish the sentence and smirk. “And yet in the same vein your sister told me that what she and Okita had were greater than what we -had-. So much for rare and precious don’t you think?” I sigh slightly, I’m not here to compare “love stories”, I have no such story to compare.
But if Hide and her sister can work it out then I should remain on topic, “Well you know it’s not the first time your sister tried to come to your defense. In Ito she asked me to treat you better.” Thankfully now I don’t have to dwell on these things. Wondering if I did such a banged up job that, well that’s why this woman couldn’t bother…
“I never really entertained the thought. I thought… I could make enough speeches about love and need and… she’d give in, let me in. But she had her own needs.” “But that was me again, using my words, instead of actions.”
“Ah you should stop worrying, that’s so long ago.” She kept to her truth after all of being the good one. Choosing the right things. I ash the cigarette, “Besides isn’t it good you chose to do the right thing? It would be wrong to actually kill your sister for some -foolish- reason like love or just to have public displays of affection.” I can’t help but chuckle at how absurd it sounds now.
“I… will, in time, forgive them, but I won’t forget.”
“Well there you go. You get to keep the cup. I’m sure that was truly meant for you.” Taking a short drag on my cigarette I stand up and throw it outside. It’s probably almost morning and I should get ready for the day.
“I need your help.”
I affix my belt and the sword holster and wonder what could she possibly want from me? I take a bit before I answer, going to dust my jacket off first. “Oh and what kind of help do you need?”
A friendship with Okita?
He scoffs, but Souji talked of it, at the Judgement. That he needed a friend in this new world he woke up in. Would their old friendship have rekindled if not for me? There are so many pasts, and I only happened in a few. He said before that I don’t have many friends, but he doesn’t, not really.
Alright since you remain unconvinced. She was making a last ditch effort in batting for you. That what we have is so rare, so precious… And yet in the same vein your sister told me that what she and Okita had were greater than what we -had-. So much for rare and precious don’t you think?
Why would she do that? She doesn’t know him to know that a 3rd party from “my” side would have little impact. Just another person, following my -assumptions- without knowing him. “I suppose she thought she was being helpful.” Everyone believes their love story is the greatest one, but… she did have an accepting heart when it came to him. From her telling, when he would get lost, she’d go find him. He wouldn’t always know her, but she brought him back, cleaned him up… she brought him back. I look over at him, and then to his neck, where there’s the beginnings of a bruise and in the middle, a puncture.
“What… is that more of Tenma-san’s medicine?” I touch it, gently. I can’t -not- but it must be unwelcome. But he kissed me there, that morning, and in the hospital I look at him. “If you’re up and around, why do you still need his concoctions?” I pick up his hand and look at those little marks, faded now. “Please tell me… what is all of these drugs are for? Tenma’s, Misao-san’s?”
Besides isn’t it good you chose to do the right thing? It would be wrong to actually kill your sister for some -foolish- reason like love or just to have public displays of affection
“She wasn’t evil; she was just in my way. And going to the Wilderness… wasn’t about PDA, but it was about love. I tried to do my best to love you from where I was -stuck-.” But he needed support -there-. “Of course, the person I -should- have supplanted should have been your wife.” I don’t know if I could have done any better. Where we are now doesn’t make me too confident.
Oh and what kind of help do you need?
Now how this will sound, after what I just said… “I’m going to Aizu today. I’ve already spoken to Yukiko-san and Eiji-san about keeping things running, and I’ve pumped myself dry for the baby, and there’s also the formula.” I look back at him. “You cannot make amends for me, only I can do that so… the help I need is I need a guide, to find my way around, since I’ve only been the one time. I remember Ueda-sama’s house being a bit away from the others… could you come with me. I need your help, in that. But not to do the work for me.” I’m also scared, to go alone, to -her- territory. The Meiji does have laws about indecent women, after all. But I have to do this, irregardless.
Gorou:
She of course looked concerned when I expressed some opposition to being Okita’s friend. That man who came here is not the Okita that I know and likely, had we had more time in the wilderness it would probably be the same. The Okita that I knew did not irresponsibly use others to make a point nor was he that scheming. His words were at times clumsy but he could be cunning but not shrewd. But I suppose Okita will always be someone important to her so her concern about him is understandable. Too bad he ran off with her sister instead.
“I suppose she thought she was being helpful.”
“A shared trait of the Yagi’s?” I can only jeer slightly at that. “Well I told her it would’ve been better had they minded their own business.”
She touches my neck and starts asking questions about the drugs. “I’m no doctor but they make me feel stable and Tenma’s in particular seems to give me the energy to do what I must here.” I have no intention to stop taking the drugs if I feel -stronger- with them.
“She wasn’t evil; she was just in my way. And going to the Wilderness… wasn’t about PDA, but it was about love. I tried to do my best to love you from where I was -stuck-.”
I only chuckle. She’s still talking about old stories. “That time is long gone. Even your sister has gone so maybe it’s time to stop talking about old stories.”
And then she tells me she’s planning to go to Ueda today. That she wanted to make amends. I look at her for a long moment considering. Regardless of whether she planned to go to Aizu or not, I was going to Aizu to make reparations with him and of course to finish a long standing issue of the Fujita house.
“I’m not about to drop my plans just to accompany you. I had planned on seeing Aioi today and then speaking to Yukiko and Eiji to get the answers they owed me.” I put on my jacket, “If you can wait another day then I suppose we can go to Aizu together as I had planned to go there anyway.”
He dismisses the Yagi tendency to help. Even though our stories ran differently, some of the same things were there.
I’m no doctor but they make me feel stable and Tenma’s in particular seems to give me the energy to do what I must here
Stable? As in -this- side of him taking primacy to everything else he should be? “And before you took too much of it – Misao-san’s medicine – was that for your heart or for your stability?” Was his overdoes less of a suicide attempt than one to “stabilize” himself? To silence forever the other voices that want something different?
That time is long gone. Even your sister has gone so maybe it’s time to stop talking about old stories
I raise my eyebrows at that, as -he- brought it up. The time is long gone, but not forgotten. No matter what, Saitou Hajime, by any name, is not a man who -forgets-…
Then I blink, remembering a time when he -did-. That morning I woke up with him in the machiya. He didn’t know who I was at first, assumed I was a woman he had bought for the night. Then he simply remembered me as Souji’s girl, someone he hadn’t seen in a while.
I knew he had lost his memories, and that compared to the one that of mine that was neatly removed in a “trade” between the writers, it was in total. He lost the memory of me, of us, of Makoto. I thought it all came back, that one night. The night I repeated the lie my sister told me. I thought he was whole. Sometimes, I wondered… but how much of this goes back to -that-? And unlike me, he chose to give it up. To remove the hurt, the loss, the -failure- of our reunion, and probably London as well, which was a betrayal.
I don’t yet know how to place this in our current troubles. But I do hear him say that he’s going to Aizu himself, and that we can go together if I wait.
If you can wait another day then I suppose we can go to Aizu together as I had planned to go there anyway
I shrug, almost casually. “Certainly, but perhaps approach Eiji-san and Yukiko-san after we return? Perhaps a couple of days of playing house will help her make a decision.” And they don’t owe him anything… although he is their uncle and adoptive father, this world spawned creatures who do as they wish now. “Oh, and I stopped in on Aioi-san while you were ill, so she didn’t think you abandoned her.” He’ll no doubt dismiss it as -saintly- but… dammit, it probably -was-, but I didn’t mean it to be some show.
The light is turning grey. “I need to start breakfast. Please let me know soon if you wish to go today or wait.”
(OOC – you may close)
Goro:
“And before you took too much of it – Misao-san’s medicine – was that for your heart or for your stability?”
“Both.” Because certainly a racing heart that beats a little steadier is stability isn’t it?
She raises an eyebrow as I tell her to forget about the old stories as if I said something unacceptable. Interesting.
“Certainly, but perhaps approach Eiji-san and Yukiko-san after we return? Perhaps a couple of days of playing house will help her make a decision.”
She shrugs putting on an air of indifference. “I’ll speak to Yukiko before she takes the children to school. Maybe she has an answer anyway.”
“Oh, and I stopped in on Aioi-san while you were ill, so she didn’t think you abandoned her.”
I grin a little at that. “Why thank you. I’m sure she’ll tell me all about it when I stop by there this afternoon.”
“I need to start breakfast. Please let me know soon if you wish to go today or wait.”
“Wait if you wish. I will go to Aizu tomorrow as I have some things to take care of before going to Aizu.”
She leaves the room and after I finish preparing to go to work, I look for Yukiko. We can speak in the formal room.
(OOC end. Saitou’s next post will be in the formal room.)