Not in a billion years would I have imagined being invited into Saitou’s bedroom. Well it’s Yagi-san’s bedroom too.
I step inside trying not to look everywhere but I can’t help it, my eyes scan the room and it’s so bare. As if no one uses the room. Well there’s the baby’s crib and there’s Makoto-chan with her sister.
But I can’t help but wonder, aren’t there any curtains? Or pretty bed sheets and pillows? And why is there a raised bed anyway? Is that how the west does it now? A raised bed with only white sheets and sterile looking pillows? It looks like a hospital. It’s not very inviting.
I wonder if it was a futon in here, would it look nicer? Roomier probably.
“Hello Makoto-chan. There’s cake outside.” I smile at her, “Kenji says hi by the way. I couldn’t bring him because he’s coughing a bit. Don’t want to get anyone sick since your father’s already been in the hospital.”
(Hide)
I take Ai-chan from Makoto, who has been sitting on the floor with her, and Makoto grins in relief and pops right up. “She fell asleep, and you said don’t wake a sleeping baby!” she whispers at me, very, very loudly. I only smile at her, my bright and lively little girl.
“Well you did a good job,” I say, settling the sleeping baby against my shoulder.
She almost runs into Himura-san as she comes in, in a hurry. And then she bows and thanks her for the cake, before running along. Like Tsutmou-kun, she doesn’t seem to take notice of the comment about Hajime – but will either of them once the cake is gone?
Himura-san looks around the room, and looks a little puzzled and surprised. It’s then that it hits me that it’s different in here. Diminished. Some of the warmth and color is gone, and it’s… sterile. Is he doing this? Part of shutting this all down, this house he made for us? What else is missing? Or does it start here, in this room that was meant to be our refuge?
I realize that I’m staring at the wall, so I shift Ai-chan to my other shoulder. “Thank you for the cake. The children are delighted, and you met Midori-chan – she’s a Futuba student who will be boarding with us.” I wish I could offer her a place… there used to be a small table in here, for sitting by the window and enjoying tea.
“But I did want to tell you, in case you didn’t know… Okita Souji and my sister are leaving Japan. He doesn’t have much time left… but he won’t be here to bother any of us, anymore,” I say. Even that now feels like it happened weeks ago, saying goodbye.
Kaoru:
“Thank you for the cake. The children are delighted, and you met Midori-chan – she’s a Futuba student who will be boarding with us.”
“She seems like a nice young lady.” I say but wonder, do they have enough rooms in this house? My father’s house is a dojo so there’s living quarters but whenever we have more people piling in the dojo ends up being a guest house of sorts.
But I did want to tell you, in case you didn’t know… Okita Souji and my sister are leaving Japan. He doesn’t have much time left… but he won’t be here to bother any of us, anymore,
My eyes light up a little. Just the prospect of Okita not being around Kenshin really puts me at ease. “Thank you Yagi-san. I guess that explains why you invited me here.” I smile but it goes soft as I realize, maybe that’s not what she wants? She’s been looking glum. “Earlier this morning Kenshin and Sano were speaking and they tend to keep me out of it. I’m guessing Sanosuke probably was telling Kenshin of the news? I know you cared about Okita and of course you care about your sister. I’m sorry for you however that they didn’t stay here in Tokyo.” But how did it happen? I guess I’ll have to ask Kenshin if Sano had anything to do with it.
She seems pleased about the news about Souji. And I invited her here? I don’t recall doing so… but I don’t correct her, it would be rude to make her think she was unwanted. Truthfully, I did want to reach out to her – she’s been more than kind to me, and she deserves relief from worrying about the first captain lurking about.
Earlier this morning Kenshin and Sano were speaking and they tend to keep me out of it. I’m guessing Sanosuke probably was telling Kenshin of the news?
“They’re going to China, as I understand it, with Sagara-san, to escort them. Probably to make sure he actually -goes-,” I say, a bit grimly. I was in the carriage but Sagara-san isn’t a quiet man. “Even though he was dying and shackled, he still tried his tricks on the carriage ride over.” I sigh. “I…. just want my sister happy, and what will make her happy is to be with Souji when he dies. I don’t know what she has planned after that – she mostly spoke privately with Hajime.” I still remember how he looked at her, underneath that strange head-covering she affected. And she did give him her favorite teacup.
But then her words from a moment ago register. “So neither your husband or Sagara-san told you that Sagara-san was leaving?” I thought they were all good friends – why would they leave her out?
Kaoru:
They’re going to China, as I understand it, with Sagara-san, to escort them. Probably to make sure he actually -goes-,”
I’m going to miss Sano and next time he comes back I’m going to owe him one. And although Yagi-san says Okita tried some trick in the carriage she seems upset about her sister. I sit down beside her on the edge of the bed.
“Well isn’t it good she’ll get her wish?” I look at the baby, “and if she spoke to Saitou-san, maybe or likely it was just to leave you in his care. Isn’t that the most reasonable? ”
So neither your husband or Sagara-san told you that Sagara-san was leaving?
“They don’t want me to worry I’m sure, until it’s all done. Kenshin would’ve eventually told me.” I look at her, “So has things worked out for you and Saitou-san? What… did the doctor say?”
Ooc: She was invited by Hide, check the other thread)
I’m surprised that she’s not upset about being left out of the loop about Sagara-san leaving again. But she understands what he did for her family, so that must mean more.
“I’m glad she’s getting her wish. It’s all she ever wanted, what she’s been looking for. They had some time together, between the days when you last saw Souji and now… so she had more than she had before. And as for what she said to Hajime…” I smile. “He always used to go see her, trying to get to me. She knew, but she didn’t have many friends, so she took it as him being kind to her. It always stuck, in her mind. But as for my care? I… don’t know.” She’s been trying to kill me, after all. Using Souji, but still… and her judgement was a waste of time. I didn’t learn any lessons -or- suffer the fate she had planned for me.
So has things worked out for you and Saitou-san? What… did the doctor say?
“I wasn’t allowed access to Hajime much in the hospital. The doctor was using some… strange techniques. Cutting. Injections of something that would wake him, for a while.” Is he still taking those? “And as for working out…” I put Ai-chan down in her crib, and come back to sit on the bed.
“I understand better, now, what I’ve done wrong. I don’t know how to fix it…” I close my eyes. I hear the laughter coming from the other part of the house, “I love this world, this place. Sometimes, yes, I complained and lamented when it was hard. I didn’t always appreciate it. I should have done more, pushed more. Spoke more. Once, I even threw it away… I took it back, but there are those who will never forget nor forgive. But the people I love are here… in this house, this family. Him.”
“He’s… ready for it to be over. That’s what dealing with Okita Souji, and my sister, was. Wrapping up things.” I look over at her. “I… I tried to let him go, for his sake. Another woman who loved him very much did that. But instead, we end up giving each other songs, and kissing… but the next morning, he was… back to how he was. Ready to wrap up our story.”
“That I don’t want our story to end… somewhere, I don’t think he really does, but… I still don’t know how to reach him. How to ask in a way I haven’t yet.”
Kaoru:
“He always used to go see her, trying to get to me. She knew, but she didn’t have many friends, so she took it as him being kind to her. It always stuck, in her mind. But as for my care? I… don’t know.”
I glance back at Yagi-san. “I can see that. I don’t remember much from that time but Saitou-san didn’t have any friends either but for some odd reason he was everywhere. I’m sure he was just looking for some support.” Then I mull for a moment, “You know, if you’re so unsure – why not ask Saitou what happened?” I’m sure he’ll tell her. If there’s anything sure about that man, is that he is straightforward -most- of the time.
My eyes go a little wide as she tells me about Saitou’s stay in the hospital. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the Meiji government goes to such lengths? They were blackmailing us back in the day.
I didn’t always appreciate it. I should have done more, pushed more. Spoke more. Once, I even threw it away… I took it back, but there are those who will never forget nor forgive. But the people I love are here… in this house, this family. Him.”
“But who are those that won’t forgive Yagi-san? Is it a stranger or is it people you or he knows?” I look out the window, “My Kenshin has done some things that he is never forgiven for by -strangers- and I can understand why they can’t forgive. They hardly know him. But to this day, my Kenshin seeks atonement.” I turn back to her and smile, “I’m sure whatever it was that you did, is not as bad as you think.”
“That I don’t want our story to end… somewhere, I don’t think he really does, but… I still don’t know how to reach him. How to ask in a way I haven’t yet.”
And they kissed? It’s so hard thinking of Saitou as one for songs and kissing. I wonder would he be embarassed if he learned he’s been outed by Yagi-san? But more importantly… “If he’s flip flopping so easily, then I’m sure he doesn’t want it over. That man is one of the most stubborn man I’ve encountered, if he wanted it done. It got done…” I stand up and go to the crib and think what a beautiful baby girl.
“Maybe ask him for help? Not to fix you and him but, you said there are those who won’t forgive?” I grin a little, “He’ll probably say it’s -your- problem and act like he doesn’t care but I heard from my friends that for all the hoopla of not helping, he helped them anyway.” And if he truly loves her he won’t be able to say no. Or if not then at least she asked.
but for some odd reason he was everywhere. I’m sure he was just looking for some support.”
“Home wasn’t… what he had hoped it would be,” I say, remembering his frustration with his wife, who trapped him for days, and how then he moved around so much, seeming to be almost everywhere at once. But he made time for me, in our place, and in that world, he sought me out… through her. But sadly, it was just -her-. Himura-san also tells me that I could just ask Hajime and… would he even tell me, anymore?
“The person who won’t forget, and I doubt forgive… is Ueda-sama, who is something like a second father to Hajime, from back in Aizu. He was the person… Hajime had on his contact form, should something happen to him. So he came, when Hajime was ill, and… he had many words for me. Words that were true. And then I made it worse, I betrayed his trust, to find out secrets that I never had the courage to ask for, or push Hajime to tell me. I told Hajime, and he…” I smile at her, a sad smile, “I think he’s still coming to understanding the first thing I did, in throwing this world; but the second… it’s again proof that I make my own assumptions instead of asking him as I should, if I want to know him.”
If he’s flip flopping so easily, then I’m sure he doesn’t want it over. That man is one of the most stubborn man I’ve encountered, if he wanted it done. It got done…
“That’s what I’ve wondered myself, keeps me… it holding on,” I say, softly, as she gets up to look at Ai-chan. I stand up to go next to her. “He’s the one that named our girls – Sincerity and Love.” I trace the edge of her cradle. I remember what Eiji-san said – that Ai-chan would be our last. How I protested…
“And as for helping, I asked him to go to Aizu, not for me… but for other reasons – and he told me rather plainly that he wasn’t going to fix my messes, so…” I tear my eyes away from the baby. “I want to reach this man who puts up walls… to understand… but I don’t know -how-.” My old tricks have been called out and scorned, of playing with time and space, and Yaso-san said my answer lies here in Tokyo. But… will I find it before it’s too late?
Kaoru:
Yagi-san doesn’t seem convinced when I asked her to just ask Saitou. Odd.
She tells me about a second father or Saitou? “I’ve never heard of him, but then again Saitou is careful about his kin. I mean it was just an accident when Kenshin and Misao-chan found out about Tokio.”
“I think he’s still coming to understanding the first thing I did, in throwing this world; but the second… it’s again proof that I make my own assumptions instead of asking him as I should, if I want to know him.”
That’s odd. She won’t ask him about what happened with her sister and didn’t ask Saitou -again- about this “getting to know him”. “So he’s told you want he wants you to do but you ignored it?” I’m concerned, how did they last this long? And then I realized, maybe it wasn’t that long. Unlike Kenshin and I we’ve been together for years but with them, have they been together for even two?
“That’s what I’ve wondered myself, keeps me… it holding on,” “He’s the one that named our girls – Sincerity and Love.”
“It’s not sincerity or love to just keep holding on. If you really can’t take that step. There’s no sense in trying to hold on and building up resentment for him or for you.” I know she already tried to let him go apparently because I advised it, but this place of limbo is no place to be.
“And as for helping, I asked him to go to Aizu, not for me… but for other reasons – and he told me rather plainly that he wasn’t going to fix my messes, so…” I tear my eyes away from the baby. “I want to reach this man who puts up walls… to understand… but I don’t know -how-.”
“It’s frustrating but I think he’s already tried to tell you, if you can’t give it then let him truly go Yagi-san.” I sigh, “And as for you asking him to go to Aizu, even if it wasn’t for you and likely for him. He obviously doesn’t share that opinion. Ueda as you said is not upset with him but with you. Ueda is important to him that you won’t go yourself or ask for his help likely will tell him that you don’t care about the people he cares about.” And if she really wants to work this out, shouldn’t she try? “Even if it’s hard or you don’t know how, you should try to make amends -somehow-. And if you can’t or won’t maybe it’s time to actually part ways.”
She probably asked him to part ways for his sake, but it seems to me, parting ways if things are -this- bad would be as much for her sake too. I finally understand why Saitou came back ready to wrap up their story. He can’t bend, otherwise he dooms them to insincerity and it seems like she won’t but not out of pride but lack of courage, which means the love is weak and what’s connecting them are likely just their domestic life, this house, the children. Suddenly I blink, Kenshin and I have been lucky to truly love each other. Not everyone can have that. I stand up.
“I’m sorry Yagi-san I probably said too much and it is getting late.” I bow to her, “Whatever you decide, know that you can come by the dojo anytime.”
(OOC: you can close. kaoru is leaving unless something compels her to stay)
So he’s told you want he wants you to do but you ignored it?
It’s not sincerity or love to just keep holding on. If you really can’t take that step. There’s no sense in trying to hold on and building up resentment for him or for you
It’s frustrating but I think he’s already tried to tell you, if you can’t give it then let him truly go Yagi-san.
I just listen. I don’t try to defend myself, to justify via some great and magic love. I just -listen-.
Even if it’s hard or you don’t know how, you should try to make amends -somehow-. And if you can’t or won’t maybe it’s time to actually part ways
I look up at her. She’s right. I wipe away the tears that I didn’t even realize were flowing. “I have to try. I can’t… wait for him to be what I -wish- him to be. For it all to be handed to me.”
She stands, and apologizes. “No, thank you. You… learned a lot from your friend Megumi, that friendship sometimes mean giving hard truths, even to someone who thinks they need something else.” I lean forward and embrace her, briefly. “I’ll see you soon, but until then, please keep an eye out for the children?”
Because I… she said my answer is in Tokyo, but maybe some of it lies elsewhere. I walk Himura-san out, seeing Makoto and Midori-san heading upstairs. Tsutomu-kun still vying for the last piece of cake from Yukiko-san.
I said I want to save this house, this place. But there’s no use to keeping a façade together if there’s no truth behind it.
(OOC – close)