Ai… I look at her beautiful face, those golden eyes. A resemblance to a woman I never got to meet, who died before I came into his life. And so well named, I thought, at the time. For what was she? A child to be loved, made from a great love. Well-named, like her sister.
Funny how it all turns out. Love and sincerity being the things I couldn’t embrace.
I brush back her curls. “Do you like stories?” But she just looks at me, with those eyes that seem like they can read a person. Will she take after him, with the ability to truly see someone? Mind’s eye, that tacky turtle man called it.
I search my memories, for a story that my mother told me. That I told my brothers, then Tamebo’s littles, and finally Makoto-chan. But only one story…
“There once was a princess and a wolf,” I say, softly. Unlike her sister, she cannot interrupt me with questions. “She was lost, alone in the wilderness, locked away from a world where she could never be. But the wolf came and found her, and would come to see her when she was lonely, because he was lonely too. Where he lived… they weren’t kind to wolves.” Next would come a line, about how she always was. A self-serving line from the princess.
“She thought she was kind, but her kindness also smothered the wolf. She didn’t try to realize if he needed more than just kindness, or food, or a warm place to snuggle up for the night. And she thought… that in her kindness, that she was more than just an ordinary woman. Trusting her above all others, he brought her his abandoned cubs to her – but her kindness on her terms didn’t reach them, either.”
“But sometimes, it worked. He wanted a home, and she wanted to be loved. However… the princess didn’t try to understand her wolf. And over time, it hurt him too much, to love a princess who never looked at him, and instead saw the wolf she made in her mind. So the princess…” I look down, and our daughter sleeps.
“Maaa…. you’re just like your sister. Asleep before the end,” I chide, leaning over to kiss her soft cheek, and breathe in that baby smell. And as for the end of the story? I know what the princess will have to do, for her wolf. I’m just not ready to speak it, yet, even in a story.
That night on the engawa in Ito, I cried as I told the story. Now I feel like that’s all been wrung out of me. Not just today, with Souji and Aioi-san… I think of her. He’s probably enjoying the soba. Himura-san thought that him coming home and demanding my cooking was a hopeful sign, that he needed something… but Aioi-san is ready to move in on what I abandoned. I simmer for a minute in jealousy, letting it wash over me, but finding not anger, but…. shame.
I sit down. I need to finish cleaning up the kitchen, and prepare for breakfast.
(OOC – it’s right after dinner, so not too late. Anyone who’s around can hear or not and interact as they wish.)
Tsutomu:
It’s after dinner and everyone’s just finished cleaning up. I wait until all of them are upstairs because… Well I didn’t want them to see or hear.
Quietly I knock on Yagi-san’s bedroom door.
“Yagi-san are you available? I need to talk to you about something.”
Yagi-san are you available? I need to talk to you about something
I look up from Ai-chan, on whose face I couldn’t stop staring at. “Tsutomu-kun, please come in,” I say, a bit surprised. He’s been quieter than usual since I came to the school the other day.
I stand and open the door for him, stepping aside to let him enter the room.
Yagi-san let’s me in and I step inside. Aside from that one night I came to this room and it was dark, I couldn’t see anything… the room looks a little bare with only a few items of Yagi-san on the table and Ai-chan’s crib at the corner. Ai must be sleeping already. That’s good for a baby.
I turn to Yagi-san. I -must- get her to agree. “I wanted to get your permission to let Midori board here. Unlike us who freeload off you, Midori -can- pay. She’s from a well to do merchant family and is a good girl.” I look at her, “and makoto-chan likes her. I’m sure they’ll get along well when they share a room or if that doesn’t work, maybe Eiji-nii and I can stay in the tatami room and I’ll give up my room to Midori.”
She must say yes!
I had thought… that he was ready to confront me about what we spoke of at the school. So I’m surprised at what it is.
I listen, and wait for him to finish before replying. There’s some urgency in his voice. “Of course she may, she’s a very polite girl, as long as her parents or those they have charged for caring for her. But doesn’t she board at the school? Has something happened there?” I think back, “she lives there with that girl who bullied Makoto-chan, right?” Maybe that became too much…
Freeloading? I wish I could have conveyed it all to him in a better way, than making him think that he was an unwanted burden. But right now, he’s asking for help, and I know… it must be important. More than just friend drama.
“And Makoto-chan used to share with Yukiko-san, so there’s no need for you or Eiji-san to relocate.” I’m a little surprised that he’d offer that – I with the weather now decidedly turning colder, he won’t be escaping up onto the roof. “Your father will need to agree, but I don’t see that he would object – he’s met her?” I think she’s been at the school for a while.
. But doesn’t she board at the school? Has something happened there?”
I was hoping she wouldn’t pry too much. After all I don’t want to give her too much detail since it’s sensitive… so I opted for something more generic. “Something like that. She’s being bullied and although she has a teacher who tries to help, it would be better if she’s not in the school all the time.” Didn’t that man used to tell me it’s better to avoid a fight when you’re decidedly weaker than your opponent? And Midori -is- weaker.
She agrees about Midori sharing a room with Makoto. That’s good. But then…
Your father will need to agree, but I don’t see that he would object – he’s met her?”
“He’s met her.” But I don’t tell Yagi-san that he’ll likely say no, after all he agreed with Takimi sensei I’m not to hang around Midori. I bow my head a bit. “It’s really important she gets to stays here Yagi-san. Please speak to… him. This is your house after all. ”
Now all that’s left is to help send Midori’s telegram. I wait to be dismissed.
Something like that. She’s being bullied and although she has a teacher who tries to help, it would be better if she’s not in the school all the time.
I’m concerned for Midori-chan’s safety. “Is there someone I should be aware of in particular? Is it that girl… Tsurumi-chan?” I ask. “She’s been here, so if she’s the problem, I’d like to know so that she’s not pestered here.” And it must be bad if it’s driving her from the dorms… but at least she’s still attending school.
So Hajime does know the young lady, that should help. Our house is already full, but I would never deny…
And then he bows his head, and I wonder what it’s costing him to come to me. “This is his home as well as yours, Tsutomu-kun,” I remind him. “But I’ve lived in a house before where we had to make room for many more,” I smile a bit. “But I’ll speak to him, of course. It’s good to want to help a friend.” That’s what they are, right? They’re both young, and fifteen now is younger than when I was that age, for which I am -glad-.
“And Tsutomu-kun…” I look at him. “I owe you an apology for what happened at the school the other day. I shouldn’t put my burdens on you. You’re a young man with a lot on your shoulders. I’m proud that despite that, you’re looking out for those who need your help.” He’s like his father in many ways. and not just in his stubbornness.
Is there someone I should be aware of in particular? Is it that girl… Tsurumi-chan?” I ask. “She’s been here, so if she’s the problem, I’d like to know so that she’s not pestered here.”
“Tsurumi?” I shake my head, “Tsurumi can be weird and a handful but she’s from Aizu and a good girl.” Well -mostly- a good girl… Probably.
She tells me about whose home this is but I’m sure she’s just being polite. Yagi-san likes to be polite and all that.
“But I’ll speak to him, of course. It’s good to want to help a friend.”
I hope she’s successful. I’m not taking a no for an answer. Well unless Midori’s mother says no. But I doubt that.
I owe you an apology for what happened at the school the other day. I shouldn’t put my burdens on you.
Awkward… But I merely bow and mutter don’t worry about it.
“Well Yagi-san thank you. I’ll be going to bed now.” With another bow I turn to leave.
(OOC: Tsutomu will exit unless something else).
Tsurumi can be weird and a handful but she’s from Aizu and a good girl.
If not her then who else? But if she can still go to the school…. well, perhaps I should start walking with them to school once she arrives.
I do wonder about Hajime. He’s…. hard to predict these days. And should I read anything into that he came and asked me first, and not his father? All of that about freeloaders… but it’s not as if we’re together as a family anymore. It’s also… a strange time to introduce someone else to our household.
He doesn’t say much, nor more than an embarrassed mutter about my apology. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but he should know that adults shouldn’t do that to him.
“Alright, good night, Tsutomu-kun,” I say. I’ll talk to Makoto-chan about it in the morning, and see to getting them their winter coats and boots in the next afternoon or so.
I walk into the kitchen after he leaves, and start to clean up. I don’t want to leave messes for Yukiko-san or Eiji-san to feel as if they need to take care of.
(OOC – Hide is in the kitchen. If nobody comes by, I will close this thread later )
I get back to the house, after getting some rest in the office. It’s not too late but I am famished so after dropping off my things in the tatami room and removing my jacket, I go straight to the kitchen, hoping there’d be leftovers.
Hide’s cleaning up and it’s an odd thing I guess to find myself alone with her. It used to be so easy. But it can’t be helped.
“Good evening.” I say by way of greeting, though it’s past the evening.. I go and get myself some rice and there’s some leftover tofu. I take that and some soy sauce, sit at the table and make quick work of dinner.
Hajime enters, and, aside from a brief greeting, assembles his own dinner and eats it like… he’s famished.
I thought Aioi-san was making him soba? So did he not eat that, or did he come straight home?
I make him a cup of coffee, and sit down across from him. “I guess you know about my visits this morning,” I say, quietly. There’s no need to hide it, after all. Then, in looking at him, I see his neck. A trail of small cuts, and skin that’s starting to bruise.
“Hajime – what happened?” I go over to the icebox and take out a piece, wrapping it in cloth, and hold it against the spot. The injuries look clean, but… what did this? But more importantly…. who did this?
Saitou:
“I guess you know about my visits this morning,”
“You mean Okita.” I reply as I take a bite of the tofu, “Of course I heard since i have him watched.” I glance back at her for a brief moment and shrug, “It’s not like it’s a suprise. Although I thought your sister would visit first. Try to get him out.”
Then I feel her eyes staring at me and I feel slightly uncomfortable.
“Hajime – what happened?”
“Ah this?” I continue my meal as she holds the ice on my neck. It does feel good against the skin.
“Nothing to be worried about. Part of the job.” Although it feels a bit odd telling that to a woman who doesn’t really worry is it? I try to finish dinner so I can clean up myself. I really should’ve done that first.
It’s not like it’s a suprise. Although I thought your sister would visit first. Try to get him out.
“I suppose she doesn’t know the name you have him there under,” I say. She would want him out, of course. They could run off and… what? Come back? Finish what they started with me? With the batt – Himura-san?
“I had a talk with a friend the other day. I’m trying to… see things. Understand. And I thought that if I went back to one from the past…” I sigh. “I don’t know what I was expecting. Answers, I suppose. Did I do to him as I did to you?
But there were none to be found.”
I don’t know what I expected. But he’s not changed – not only is Souji incapable of a relationship, he’s incapable of connecting with anyone. Or reflection.
He doesn’t fend off my ice, so I turn around. Reaching for a salve in a small jar that I make myself, wetting a clean towel, and wiping off the wounds – there was a light layer of grime and grease there… chains? Applying the pungent green stuff, then lightly wrapping a bandage around it. I had the things nearby already, as returning to cooking leaves my hands riddled with little cuts and abrasions. Tonight it was the bonito shaver that got me…
Of course, he didn’t even notice those. I remember just a short time ago, to when Ai-chan was born – how he almost seemed to be able to -feel- the pain I felt as I worked to bring her into this world.
“I also went to the machiya, after leaving the jail. I met your woman there.” I put the ice back on his neck, rubbing slightly.
“I suppose she doesn’t know the name you have him there under,”
I chuckle a little. “She could’ve asked. Me or you.” I wonder between the two of us, who’s more likely to tell her sister. Well we see who took the “initiative” or was it advantage. Maa…
“I don’t know what I was expecting. Answers, I suppose. Did I do to him as I did to you?
But there were none to be found.”
I’m not sure what she’s trying to say. “Ah sorry it was a unfruitful for you then. Waste of time.”
She turns around and starts applying salve after I finish the meal. I should’ve left already but it’s hard to leave when you’ve got a bandage around one’s neck.
“I also went to the machiya, after leaving the jail. I met your woman there.”
I smirk slightly waiting for her to tighten up the bandage. Maybe strangle me? Ah this woman wouldn’t do that. I can’t make her do anything -ever-. “Oh? She’s not much to look at.” I stand up and start cleaning up after myself. “Hopefully she didn’t give you too much trouble. She can be a handful at times.”
I wash the few dishes. I’d ask her why bother to go there but it’s human nature to want to see, to compare, to satisfy a curiosity. There was a time it would’ve meant the world to me… No -him-, to have moved her in such a way. All clean I turn around.
“Thanks for wrapping me up.” I say, “Well I’ll leave you to get some rest then.” She looks tired anyway.
Oh? She’s not much to look at. Hopefully she didn’t give you too much trouble. She can be handful at times.
He seems to find it amusing…. I turn from him, wanting to scream, to throw things. This detachment… but instead I do what we once did.
This room is part of another space. One from when we first met, where rooms and furniture only seemed to be there should we have need of them, or became beautiful paradises or scenic getaways. Where children slept and nobody eavesdropped. I need -this-space… for this time.
I turn and look at him, and say, in a low voice, “I wanted to go in there after catching that scent of hers at the market and… I wanted to scream at her. Demand she give you up. But I made a fool of myself instead, and she looked at me with such disdain… she called me self-centered and she was -right-… and than I knew she was the better woman of the two of us. At least she’s honest about who she is.”
“I wanted to come find you and rage at you how dare you do that to me. How dare you take yourself from me and give that to another woman. To even make me -think- that. And then I wanted to fall at your feet and beg your forgiveness, your mercy, because it wasn’t about me – it was about what you needed. It was like a -cry- for your needs.”
“But who am I to ask? The woman who gave a false face in the hope that your involvement with Aioi wasn’t what it seemed as you came home reeking of her? Who never asked, demanded, or thought what it was actually about? Who just smiled and cooked.”
“Who…. said such horrible things to you the other night. Who revealed… that she saw herself as better – not just of Aioi, or Tokio… but of you. Above jealousy while abhorring yours. But never bothering to understand that jealousy. Who never… tried to understand how you loved. That you would sacrifice your honor, your pride… for me. Over and over and -over- again, only to get some goddamn speeches and seductions instead of understanding. Whining about how -hard- it all was.” That pain, confusion… seems so trifling, now.
“I…. don’t know how to fix this. I don’t think I -can- and even if so… if it will just be this, over and over again. We lost five years when I didn’t understand you, the first time. Then you gave up your memories. Now, a piece of yourself. And I see it now, and it’s… it’s too late, isn’t it?” I blink back tears, my eyes bleary.
I look at him. “I’m not… -good- for you, Hajime. Ever since I came into your life, when you needed something… I took what I wanted and didn’t take care of what you needed. It wasn’t food or a house or sex but… a woman who understood and respected you. Who loved you, and not… her own fantasy. Who could accept… but also challenge.”
“I would beg now, not for forgiveness… but for your restoration. To see your honor, your pride return. To be the man you’re meant to be and not the one I mangled with my false hope and empty promises of trying harder, doing better.” I bow my head, I can’t look at him. I knew this was coming, since I spoke with Himura-san. “Hajime… you can go anywhere from here. To any time. But go somewhere where I can’t hurt you anymore. I thought… it was my guilt, my shame that would make me do this, since I started to figure this out, that… to give you up is the only way.” It’s the only way I have left to love him. To let him be free and whole again.
For him.
I close my eyes, resting my head against my hands as I sit at the table. Tears silently come from me. I’m surprised that I feel hope again. It’s the hope that the next woman who he smiles at, for whom those eyes glow… his true hime-sama – will know the value of it.
For him.
I bow to her and give her the answer I’ve rehearsed in the past probably knowing this is where it was to lead. I didn’t have much hope left after everything, after all those years and I always wondered when will I see… Maybe, I wanted this all along. I could never reach her. Not with my love nor myself. “Alright.”
She cries on the table. I’d tell her how disappointed I am but it is true what I told her before coming back here. I don’t want a woman who doesn’t want to get to know me. It wasn’t so much my pride nor my honor, those I gave up loving her. Those things were negotiable as far as I’m concerned.
I pull out a cigarette and take a couple of puffs, looking to the side. “Well at least, I can now stop hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen after all.” I ruefully smile a bit. “Thanks for your honesty I do appreciate it.”
With a long drag on my cigarette I look at her, “No need to cry. It’s done. Now all I have to do is the orderly closure of this place.”
I look around where every wall and piece of furniture are all but vague outlines and silhouettes just like when I walked through this place as a dead man. “Your Okita and I spoke this evening. We settled on him going to your sister to tell her the truth. My hope is that Okita can be left alone to do as he wishes and your sister to be free of the burden of trying to take care of a man who doesn’t want her caring nor her affections.” Of course my hope there is for both to leave Hide and our children alone, so mother and her children can live in peace. “He wanted you to be there for when he does the deed.” I take the address from my pocket. “You don’t have to go but I’m not stopping you if you want. I’ll be escorting him this week just let me know however you want to do it.”
Then I think about the other three that I dragged to this place, to keep her company.
“I’ll have to speak to the other three. Get them to their right places.” I take a longer drag and watch the tip of the tobacco glow red, “You don’t need to do anything with them.”
“And of course I’ll leave Makoto and Ai with you.” Though they’re my children, just like with my sons the mother always got to keep them. After all I would be an unreliable guardian. “After that, just a few odds and ends I have to tie up but again, nothing you need to worry about. Leave as soon as you desire as I’ll be pushing the times ahead.”
I ash the cigarette and it falls to the floor. Well it’s not really our kitchen floor, just some shadow of a floor. “Do get your hand taken cared of and your infirmities. I’m not asking for me or my pride. Just… it’s better if you’re well.”
With that I leave the “space” and retire to the tatami room. I’ll sleep there tonight.
(OOC: Saitou exits)