Yukiko-san is occupied elsewhere, and I’m in the kitchen.
I take a sip, and frown. I hate to waste food… but this is frustrating.
Cooking used to come so easily. Love used to come so easily. I always thought that my cooking was an expression of my love, only to hear that no, he never saw it that way. That I was doing it -wrong- all this time.
I dump out the contents of the pan into the sink.
I start over. That one was too bitter. Last one, too salty. Before that? Underflavored.
Why am I trying to perfect this? What am I trying to prove? That if I can make perfect soba and tsuyu again, that I’m worthy? That everything I’ve done over the past seventeen years wasn’t just a -lie-, a game by a lonely, scheming woman?
Was it? Is it still?
I lean my head against the cabinet. I don’t even know anymore. I’m out of the things that I could fall back onto when it got bad. Even in Osaka… or Ito…
I’m not made for this. To question and examine and double-guess myself and everything that I -am-, despite years of him doing so to me. I thought I had a core of truth. Hope that never ran out. Love that was unconditional and strong. Fierce, I one said, in those foolhardy days of foolhardy confidence. How strong I once felt. When he called me back. When I stepped into his fight with the man in the cape. I am Hide, hear me roar!
Well, he showed me, didn’t he? I close my eyes. He couldn’t do it, so he found a way to get it done. There’s no more loopholes, no more playing with time and space. I’m here, in my kitchen, trying to do something right that he probably doesn’t even care about anymore. He’ll probably just take that other woman of his to that soba stall and she’ll laugh –
I straighten up. I can’t move onto making noodles until I get the sauce right. And I wipe my eyes, knowing that this batch will be too salty.
(OOC – Hide is at home/in the kitchen if anyone comes by)
Kaoru:
It’s the afternoon and Kenshin is getting the kids later. My private tutoring gig has been cancelled so I thought without anything to do I’d visit Yagi-san. It’s been a couple of days and I’m wondering how she’s feeling. I don’t think she’s one to reach out unless the situation is dire like it was when Okita came.
Okita… is he really a bad person? Saitou-san was ready to kill him wasn’t he? But he didn’t. Sano told me about his plans on gauging Okita at the prison. Said he had lots of friends there… Still I am worried for Sanosuke of course! But I’ll believe in my friends.
I knock a few times at the gate. I hope she doesn’t mind me wearing my training gear and doesn’t take offense to my bokken. It’s a nice day though. I wish I brought something but aside from tea which she seems to like, I have no idea what she likes.
I hear a knocking, and go to the gates. Hoping it’s not Sir Charles… Nobody else getting it, I go and hope whoever it is will be patient for my slow pace.
I smile as I see who it is. A friend. “Hello, Himura-san. Back from teaching?” I welcome her in, and inside. “You can put your bokken here, if you wish,” I say, indicating the stand Hajime once used. After all, a weapon held honorably should be treated with respect, even if it is wood and not metal.
I then lead her to the kitchen. As I prepare the tea, I ask, “I hope your home has settled down since the other day.” A few days, already feels like forever yet… with so much going on, as if only moments. Like it’s all just slipping away…. I turn and look at her. “Refreshments? Or, if you’ve been teaching all morning – would you like some lunch? I apologize for the mess – I was working on soba.” Still didn’t get it…
I’m led inside and shown the receiving room with a sword stand.
You can put your bokken here, if you wish,”
“Oh thank you.” I look at the sword stand with only a wakizashi at the bottom and put mine on the vacant space on top. I’d ask her if that’s where Saitou places his but he’s not a subject she’d want to talk about i think.
I’m led to the kitchen. It seems this is the heart of their house isn’t it? And I smell something good. But it’s way past lunch and the house feels quiet.
“Refreshments? Or, if you’ve been teaching all morning – would you like some lunch? I apologize for the mess – I was working on soba.”
“Oh I had an early lunch. My mid day stop canceled on me so I’m vacant this afternoon.” I smile, “Sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I’m just making a rest stop.”
I tip my nose up and close my eyes, “Soba? So that’s what smelled good.” I say looking back natural her, “Do you like cooking Yagi-san?” If she does and is doing what she likes then maybe i was worried for nothing.
Oh I had an early lunch. My mid day stop canceled on me so I’m vacant this afternoon.” I smile, “Sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I’m just making a rest stop.
“Oh, please don’t worry, Himura-san – friends don’t need an excuse to stop by,” I say, with a bit of a smile.
Soba? So that’s what smelled good.
I nod, “it’s Hajime’s favorite,” I look at the remains of my attempts. I wiggle the fingers of my bad hand. “Funny how you don’t realize how much you need your other hand until it becomes damaged.”
Do you like cooking Yagi-san?
I take a sip of tea, and then set down the cup, looking into the liquid. “I’ve always loved cooking. In my father’s household, we didn’t have many servants, soonce my grandmother came to live with us, she took over the cooking. And as my mother shared her love of gardening, my grandmother taught me what the spirit of cooking is.”
I bring over a small tray of assorted treats and senbei, and then go back for the tea, sitting down. “She told me… cooking should be done with the idea that you’re -nourishing- those you’re cooking for – be it family, friends, or anyone who comes to your door – and it’s something that will go with them. And because of that, you should always put your love into it.”
“I’ve been trying to get my touch back with zaru soba. I always had it for him when he came, in the early days. I’d always fed my family, but to make the dish that makes the one you love smile… even though often I didn’t actually let him finish a meal.” I’m quiet for a moment, before shaking my head. “If I could make perfect soba again… I don’t know if it would fix anything. Or answer all these thoughts that plague me.”
Kaoru:
please don’t worry, Himura-san – friends don’t need an excuse to stop by,”
I can’t help but smile and be glad for that. There was once a time when I had thought my previous visit would be the last. Eventhough Saitou himself stopped by after they had the baby, almost as if he wanted me to visit. But now I understand why, she doesn’t have many to speak to does she?
She tells me the story of their household in Kyoto. Her mother and grandmother and I listen. “That’s wonderful Yagi-san. My mother died early and I never knew my grandmother. Yours seem like very wonderful people.”
Then she tells me why she’s making zaru soba. Such a simple dish that one can get -anywhere- in Tokyo cheaply. I merely listen and she has a wistful look on her face as she describes days when she didn’t let him finish a meal. I wonder…
“If I could make perfect soba again… I don’t know if it would fix anything. Or answer all these thoughts that plague me.”
“Why would making perfect soba fix anything?” I looked confused, “Did the problems between you started because of your imperfect cooking? Saitou-san took a cake from me gratefully and I’m a -bad- cook so it likely didn’t taste good… So I think if you were cooking for him everyday with love I’m sure he ate it with more appreciation than my inedible cake.”
“Has Saitou-san been coming home Yagi-san?” I sigh wondering what are those thoughts she’s referring to, “But if cooking helps ease your mind then you should continue even if it likely won’t fix anything. What do you think caused the problems in the first place?”
She smiles as I confirm our friendship. -Good-. It’s nice, isn’t it? I had Mochizuki-san, back in Ito. I think she was the closest I had to a friend, but as Hajime re-entered my life, and it became… interesting again, the connection faded.
That’s wonderful Yagi-san. My mother died early and I never knew my grandmother. Yours seem like very wonderful people.
The only comfort I found when I escaped into dreams or… whatever it is, when I was in captivity, was my mother. “I miss them both terribly,” I say.
Did the problems between you started because of your imperfect cooking?
“No. Not at all.” I sigh, as she shows the futility of the way I spent my day.
“Hajime comes home late, after dinner. He… smells like her. The other woman,” I say, in answer to her question. “But I doubt it’s my cooking that’s keeping him away, but… he had been refusing to eat Yukiko-san’s cooking, so I’ve been doing what I can.”
What do you think caused the problems in the first place?
“It has been… a tempestuous relationship, Himura-san,” I admit, looking down. “I left him for five years, when I was pregnant with Makoto. We broke up again, soon after that reunion – he… fractured, forgetting years of his life. Then we had a while… but time slowed, until it nearly stopped.” There was another break in there, the first brush with death. “Before Osaka, things were getting bad again. And there was a point, as that all came to a head… we pulled it back, from death itself. I made promises…” I look at her. “I didn’t keep them. And now, he’s fractured again. This time, without the loss of his memory, but… in a different way.”
“He’s accused me of wanting an easy way… and, that’s true, Himura-san. I struggled under the strains of this place – a stepson who doesn’t respond to me, your husband’s master showing up, Souji… but I just wanted something nice, every once in a while. When we met, we existed beyond the Wilderness. Yes, their problems intruded, terribly, but we had our bubble. While I don’t regret the richness of this world… I sometimes wanted to find that private garden again. Not every day. But just sometimes… but it’s hard to say that, because that sort of life is intoxicating. It’s easy to get lost in pleasure and forget… that we face real problems.”
“We had a terrible argument, the night of the confrontation with Souji. And because… he’s removed from it now… he could speak as I suppose he’s always wanted. After all…” I smile sadly. “He doesn’t love me anymore. So… he let me have it. Nothing he said was wrong, though. And I… told him things I never thought I would. Such as how corrosive I felt his jealousy of Souji was. Or of any other man… but he turned it all back on me.”
“And since then… since then, I wonder if the version of me he sees is right. That I was just manipulating him all this time. Never loved him.” I look at her again. “I… don’t want to think that’s true, but how else could I have hurt him so many times?”
“I miss them both terribly,”
I can only smile a little at that. “Of course you do. We should all miss the people in our lives who’s no longer with us.” And I think of my lost father and mother. But then think of Kenshin, Kenji and all of our friends, “But treasure the ones we still have.”
“Hajime comes home late, after dinner. He… smells like her. The other woman,” I say, in answer to her question. “But I doubt it’s my cooking that’s keeping him away, but… he had been refusing to eat Yukiko-san’s cooking, so I’ve been doing what I can.”
“That’s curious. He doesn’t even try to clean up or mask his “venturing”? And yet only eats your food?” I blink. “He’s either very crass or…” I look at Yagi-san. I don’t want to give her false hopes by saying maybe the wolf is crying out for help. Impossible.
She goes through their relationship. It’s very different from Kenshin and I. Ours had its difficulties and save for his initial inability to accept and return my feelings, he eventually did and we had all our friends to support us until my dream came true. My dream that he joined my father’s house.
“Well what do you know, even the Wolf has had weaknesses. You’d never think that back then. Whenever he dealt with us it was always with this air of condescension, arrogance or spite.” There’s many of our friends who don’t like him but then I remember I shouldn’t say too much here after all I’m still hoping Saitou-san will be more than an uneasy ally sporting his version of justice. She talks about the wilderness and the bubble they enjoyed and the problems this place presents.
While I don’t regret the richness of this world… I sometimes wanted to find that private garden again. Not every day. But just sometimes… but it’s hard to say that, because that sort of life is intoxicating. It’s easy to get lost in pleasure and forget… that we face real problems.”
“It sounds to me Yagi-san you’re not being totally honest with yourself. Is it truly that you’ve not had time, just the two of you? Or is it that you wanted more than he could give?” I look around in her kitchen and the doors leading to outside and into the house. “There are people here other than, well Hiko-sama and Okita… Your stepson, your daughters and even Yukiko and I guess Eiji? A lot more other people I probably don’t know about here or elsewhere. Maybe this isn’t the life you wanted.” It wasn’t to discourage her but to ask truly what she thinks.
because… he’s removed from it now… he could speak as I suppose he’s always wanted. After all…” “He doesn’t love me anymore. So… he let me have it. Nothing he said was wrong, though.
“I don’t know whether he doesn’t love you or not. Only you can decide that for yourself.” I take some tea and senbei. “Kenshin doesn’t tell me everything especially back then but he returns to me. But sometimes I wish Kenshin would tell me what he really thinks but we’re kind to each other so we don’t have the same problems as you do.”
And I… told him things I never thought I would. Such as how corrosive I felt his jealousy of Souji was. Or of any other man… but he turned it all back on me.”
“That sounds like something Saitou-san would do. He strikes me as someone very loyal to certain ideas maybe even people? So I can see him demanding the same of his partner.” I smile wryly, “Of course if it’s an old partner like Okita-san there’s not much you can do with the past… But only with the choices you make while you are with him…” I pause, “I’m not sure you know but that’s why Tokio-san and him broke up? My Kenshin back then was not himself and asked for Tokio-san’s help and I suppose didn’t think of what that meant to Saitou. Though I don’t think it was all Kenshin’s fault, Tokio-san should’ve known what kind of person Saitou was. Maybe asked him.”
“But turned it back on you? What do you mean but don’t feel obligated to tell me Yagi-san.”
I wonder if the version of me he sees is right. That I was just manipulating him all this time. Never loved him.” I look at her again. “I… don’t want to think that’s true, but how else could I have hurt him so many times?”
“Well do you love him still? You said he’s fractured and sounds like a lesser man as you describe him. Do you love that man now who says he doesn’t love you back?” I look down for a minute thinking of Kenshin, “When I found out Kenshin was the Battousai, I said his past didn’t matter. But in fact it did and I had to grapple with the realities of a man who will spend his life atoning for his sins and how that affects me and now our family.”
I take a bite of the senbei, “And what is love Yagi-san? You said it’s cooking and nourishing others. That’s true for -you- but what is love for Saitou-san? It’s seems obvious Saitou-san seems to display his love differently,” I grin a little, “I’m a jealous person myself so I can understand him a little. I don’t want to share my Kenshin.”
I sigh, “You hope that your cooking and caring reaches him and maybe it does to some extent? After all you two lasted this long. But does his way reach you? Aside from the intoxication of your private garden. Does a man who just wants you to himself for whatever it takes or it means reach you because it doesn’t seem like it does if all you saw was how destructive it was.”
Taking her hand I squeeze it, “I’m not asking you all this questions to say one was right or one was wrong. But if over time you’ve grown apart in what you want or maybe never really reached each other, then it’s okay to admit it.” I feel sad telling her this but not everyone is going to have a story like Kenshin and I.
He’s either very crass or…
“Or… he wants me to notice.” I say, sadly. “But as I said the other morning… I -wanted- to trust him. He has another former lover who became a good friend that he also has worked with and when I showed my jealousy then, I felt ashamed because there was nothing to doubt. She was, and is, a true friend. I was wrong in thinking that “good” meant that I was doing the right thing.” It’s just so hard to know what the right thing is, sometimes.
She talks about Hajime, and how he presents himself to her.
Maybe this isn’t the life you wanted.
I answer the first part of her question. “I think… he has a lot to give. I just have always had a hard time asking it of him. And he -wants- me to, but I still… struggle with it, after all this time.” It’s a topic we’ve talked a lot about. If we lived each day, each moment, would it be easier? Come more naturally, instead of where I feel as if I’m pulling on him when work and family and everything else makes a claim on him? “But is this the life I wanted?” I look around this house. “I once thought, on two different levels, that this wasn’t what I was fated for, even though it’s… a life I find fulfilling. I like being a housewife and supporting a remarkable man. I like having a house full of people to care for. I was delighted when he brought Tsutomu-kun, Yukiko-san, and then Eiji-san to fill it out, along with our girls. And if I have to trade some of our time alone for it…” I smile. “But the rest… Hiko came on so -strong- and Hajime just… seemed to give up. Told me to go out with him if he asked, since he seemed to have some interest in me.” I don’t have a connection to him, like Tokio supposedly did… “And I was terrified, because if there was a fight… Hiko could have injured Hajime, and… it would have been my fault for not playing along.” And when I faced him down in the dojo, I felt like I was confronting at least one of the monsters that plague me – and if I couldn’t get to Tokio, I could to -him-.
But turned it back on you? What do you mean but don’t feel obligated to tell me Yagi-san
I’ve come this far, haven’t I? “There was… another world, where we tried to be together. And to be there, we had to be different versions of ourselves. I was going to go alone, be a bit abandoned by my hapless brother,” I shake my head, “but then he told me, he wanted me to know love, so instead, I became the widow of another man, so I had a reason to be in this foreign place. I had promised him something I couldn’t give him in this world, but in following what I thought were his wishes, I broke that promise. I had… forgotten, because this other man was… just a name in a story, but I broke it and then forgot it, because the world faded, even as it started. But in his eyes, I was unfaithful – not just physically, but emotionally, as well… because when he wanted me to “know love”, he didn’t mean it so literally.” I sigh. “We have problems communicating… I miss the meanings of what he says, or take them at face value when I should consider them more carefully.”
Well do you love him still? You said he’s fractured and sounds like a lesser man as you describe him. Do you love that man now who says he doesn’t love you back?
I look down at my now-cool tea, but sip it anyway. “I want to think… the whole man is still there, fractured but not lost. But I promised no more false hope…” I close my eyes, and consider her question. “I loved him before I knew he loved me. It… terrified me. It was so different from Souji, this was… all-consuming, like a fire I couldn’t resist but that made me realize what love could -be-. And now…” I smile a bit. “I’m still here. Trying to understand, even if all I can get is bad soba, and getting lost in my own thoughts. Fearing the worst about myself. But… I’m not that person. I may not always be good, or have acted rightly… but I always loved him.” I look over at Himura-san.
And what is love Yagi-san? You said it’s cooking and nourishing others. That’s true for -you- but what is love for Saitou-san? It’s seems obvious Saitou-san seems to display his love differently, I’m a jealous person myself so I can understand him a little. I don’t want to share my Kenshin
“Love is many things to me – it’s not just the cooking, that’s part of it. But I wanted to be his… refuge. His place where he could come after putting Japan to rights and find a place to be welcomed, and loved. A light always on, a door always open. A bed always warm… I wanted to give him everything I am, and… in my own way, protect him. Cherish him, not because he works hard. But because… I saw something in him, a man with so much depth and soul and complexities and I wanted to be a part of him. I admire him, and what he does. That we shared some of the Shinsengumi… but to me what matters is that he lives his Justice still….. I saw enough blood and fire and death, and I want so much better a world for this new generation.”
Does a man who just wants you to himself for whatever it takes or it means reach you because it doesn’t seem like it does if all you saw was how destructive it was.
“I just didn’t know how to handle it… and I just wanted him not to feel that way. I saw it as…. slighting my honor, my sincerity. For Souji, for Charles, for Hiko even… I was afraid of that feeling.” I look at her. “Both how I felt, and how I thought he felt. In defending myself… I forgot about him, and what made him feel this way, and only made it worse.”
I’m not asking you all this questions to say one was right or one was wrong. But if over time you’ve grown apart in what you want or maybe never really reached each other, then it’s okay to admit it.
“My story, Himura-san, was a woman who had lived years living in the past, and was ready, finally, to see what was next. Romance…” I smile a bit, “was not my goal. But then the rules changed, and I was meant instead to be obsessivly chasing after a perhaps-ghost, and when I refused – my sister took my place. But still, Hajime found me, in the shadows. He was a man hurting after being rejected by a wife he -wanted- to be with, at least, in the beginning. What started out as fun… so quickly became something else. Not just an affair… but we healed each other. Even though we hurt each other… it endured, and grew.” I look down, at her hand on mine. Is this what it is to have a friend? To air these thoughts that in my own head seemed so destructive and dark?
“Have we grown apart? I’m… not sure.” I look down. “It feels like it’s been a long time… since our two hearts beat together as if one. But they did, once.” I look back over at her. “But in the ways he loves… I misunderstand it so often. And that’s when I hurt him, in coming to the wrong conclusions, over and over. And… I think he tired of that, became justifiably angry and hurt and then fractured. I don’t know if there’s any chances left.”
Koaru:
“Or… he wants me to notice.”
Yagi-san finishes for me and tells me of another lover Saitou-san has had?
She skirts my other question about being honest whether they’ve truly not have alone time together or if perhaps he just couldn’t give more than she’d like but I don’t prod further on that as she pivots to what she thinks he can give. That she has trouble asking.
“Yagi-san, I think that’s more of a lack of trust… That or you don’t want the answer to be no.” I try to be sympathetic as I say this. Maybe they are too far gone if something so simple as this is a problem.
Then she tells me about how it’s not her fate? But that she enjoys being a housewife and supporting a man. Having people to care for but that the rest was not welcome.
Hiko came on so -strong- and Hajime just… seemed to give up. Told me to go out with him if he asked, since he seemed to have some interest in me.” “And I was terrified, because if there was a fight… Hiko could have injured Hajime, and… it would have been my fault for not playing along.
“Life will bring unwelcome things Yagi-san. Just like it brought you a house full of people to care for that you delight in.” And then I address Hiko, “It’s true Hiko-sensei is powerful and he could hurt Saitou-san rather easily. But why not play along? For a prideful man such as Saitou it would not have been easy for him to ask you to “play along”. Asking you that was tantamount to saying he lost but at least he could’ve kept you safe. Besides I also don’t think Master would be so cruel, at least not to a woman.” Is this another one of their misunderstandings? And it brings me again to that thought that they don’t show love the same and unfortunately none of it reaches the other.
And it’s proven as another story of another “world” is told and I smile wryly. “It doesn’t sound like Yagi-san that you really know him.” But I’m her friend so I try to smile and add, “Well you know he’s such a difficult person to be around, much less understand. Everyone says that. Don’t feel too bad about it!”
I may not always be good, or have acted rightly… but I always loved him.”
“But that’s the past. My question is do you love him today. Because nothing you do going fowards would matter if all you’re doing is hoping for that past.” A past that doesn’t seem like they understood each other anyway.
She answers my question as to what is love to her. “I understand where you’re coming from. That you want to give all these good things to a man you admire, who does things you want for a new generation… But you didn’t answer my question again Yagi-san, what is love for Saitou-san? Do you even know?” It’s so basic that if she doesn’t even know how can she possibly reach him… And why would she even want to at this point?
“I just didn’t know how to handle it… and I just wanted him not to feel that way. I saw it as…. slighting my honor, my sincerity.In defending myself… I forgot about him, and what made him feel this way, and only made it worse.”
“You can’t just tell someone to stop feeling a certain way, especially if it was the source of their affection for you.” I hate sitting here agreeing with her on this. “Maybe the bright side is, if he’s saying he no longer loves you that, that he doesn’t care about your past with those men anymore. No longer jealous perhaps?”
But in the ways he loves… I misunderstand it so often. And that’s when I hurt him, in coming to the wrong conclusions, over and over. And… I think he tired of that, became justifiably angry and hurt and then fractured. I don’t know if there’s any chances left.”
“I don’t know either, about chances but maybe as long as he still comes home. Maybe.” Then I look at her seriously, “But you have to find out Yagi-san for yourself if you even want to continue with him or get to know him. Because looking from the outside in, it seems like you don’t really know or understand the man you’ve been having relations with. And just blindly or stubbornly saying you love him and insisting that you have all this love to give in the way you want, is dangerous for yourself and him. It will keep you stuck since you’ll delude yourself into saying you can’t ask or take action and yet have all this love to give… While for him, he will be trapped because, a man like that can’t just abandon his children nor his house as long as the woman of the house is around but he’ll eventually find himself pulled in the depths of hell – if that’s not already the case. You can always give your love, a home, a bed and nourishment to a different man – one who doesn’t have the issues Saitou-san has.”
I smile a little remembering something a decade ago. “When I went after Kenshin in Kyoto, Misao-san and Okina wouldn’t tell me where Kenshin was. They said it was dangerous for both of us. I think it applies to you today.”
OOC will reply tomorrow
Yagi-san, I think that’s more of a lack of trust… That or you don’t want the answer to be no.
I didn’t want the answer to be know. I felt stuck between not wanting to demand to much… or to ask and have him feel bad about having to say no. How in managing his emotions… I still hurt him. “You’re right,” I admit. Explaining it… it sounds so empty now. Don’t ever let Hajime feel bad.
But why not play along? For a prideful man such as Saitou it would not have been easy for him to ask you to “play along”. Asking you that was tantamount to saying he lost but at least he could’ve kept you safe. Besides I also don’t think Master would be so cruel, at least not to a woman.
“My own pride. And stubborness. And again, wanting to show how -good- I was. And… I’m certain you know of the scene I made at the dojo. He was willing to go through that humiliation for me, to feel… shamed and lowered. But he was willing to hear the lesson Hiko came for… and I was not.” I remember that note, pinned to the door in the hallway of my judgement. Your loss, it said. Indeed.
“It doesn’t sound like Yagi-san that you really know him. Well you know he’s such a difficult person to be around, much less understand. Everyone says that. Don’t feel too bad about it!
“No, you’re right, Himura-san. I didn’t know him. That he’s difficult, or speaks in obscure ways… it was my role as the woman who loved him to look deeper.” And realizing this… shatters me. All the anger I vented at him the other night… how misplaced it was. And how calmly he took it. He already knew. And it’s why this version of him had to be here. The other one… would have pulled me up from the floor last night. Told me, in that almost grim way he had at the end, that he loves me, and resigned himself to it. And I would have thought that all was well, because, well, -love-.
But you didn’t answer my question again Yagi-san, what is love for Saitou-san? Do you even know?
I take something out of my obi, where I had put it to return to him later. I look at the cloth, faded now, how cheerful it must have been once. Covering the hair of a woman… I imagine her looking up from her work, and smiling, waving as she catches his eye across the barren fields of Aomori. Yaso… the one woman in his past who I did not deny nor felt the need to compete with. She’s a key to all of this. “This belonged to the woman… who taught him what it was to love. Her name was Yaso, she was his wife, and this is all he has left of her.” I trace the edges of it with my finger. “She loved him enough to know when to let him go. And he’s offered that to me, time and time again – to my youthful dream of Souji, or to that man in London, or back to the safety of my family in Kyoto. And each time, I took offense. I didn’t see it as love. I saw it as rejection, or a test of my loyalty and fidelity. Or that he just needed some words of reassurance. But it was his love, all this time.” I put my head in my hands, elbows on the table. “Oh, Himura-san… why did I never understand?” Why was I so certain I had it right?
No longer jealous perhaps?
That he no longer cares enough to be jealous… is not a bright side.
But you have to find out Yagi-san for yourself if you even want to continue with him or get to know him
I lift up my head. “I… don’t have the answer for that right now.” I look outside, towards our garden. Can I give him anything other than hell? Or…
“HELLO ANYONE HOME?” I’m suddenly jolted by another voice.
(Misao)
Saitou is terrible at maps as well. But I found it – Yamaguchi, and, as I expected, the highest fence and heaviest gate in the neighborhood.
But I found it, and I knocked… nothing. So I did what ninja do (even in a kimono) and leapt over the wall, via a tree (I’ll need to tell Saitou to do something about that, the branches allow too-easy access).
When I land I hear voices… Hide-san…. and Kaoru-san?
I listen to a bit and… close my eyes. So what I saw in Kyoto was false bravado from both of them, wasn’t it? I… believed in them.
But Kaoru-san shows so much wisdom, and patience with Hide-san.
When I went after Kenshin in Kyoto, Misao-san and Okina wouldn’t tell me where Kenshin was. They said it was dangerous for both of us. I think it applies to you today
And with that, I decide to go ahead and enter. “Hellooooooo!” I go through the open shoji doors, into a cozy kitchen that smells of good food. Hide-san… I can’t describe the look on her face, but Kaoru-san has a little smile. “Hey I didn’t know you two were friends now!” I say… because I am surprised. Well, not from Kaoru-san’s side. But Hide-san’s? Oh -yes-, because she’s so inflexible about certain things.
“Hi, Hide-san. I was just stopping in to say hello – I have some Oniwaban business in Tokyo – oh, and Kenshin-san said I could stay with you guys!” He wasn’t at the dojo when I stopped by there, I was going to stay here but… this isn’t the time. And I know my old friends will put me up for a few days.
Kaoru:
She admits it but which one a lack of trust or something else? But what’s important is she admit it to herself whichever it was.
And as for Hiko-sensei, she mentions her pride that didn’t allow her to play along or listen to Hiko sensei. “Well Hiko sensei can be a bit much.” I say more as a consolation. I’m sad that I’m the one having to have her admit this. I’m a friend but still a stranger to her.
“No, you’re right, Himura-san. I didn’t know him. That he’s difficult, or speaks in obscure ways… it was my role as the woman who loved him to look deeper.”
And she looks so dejected. I squeeze her hand again. “But Yagi-san, now you know. That’s the first step isn’t it?”
And she tells me Saitou-san’s other wife named Yaso? I’ve… Never heard of her even in the wilderness amongst all those people. He is a man of secrets isn’t he? This wolf of Mibu.
“She loved him enough to know when to let him go. And he’s offered that to me, time and time again – to my youthful dream of Souji, or to that man in London, or back to the safety of my family in Kyoto. And each time, I took offense. I didn’t see it as love. I saw it as rejection, or a test of my loyalty and fidelity. Or that he just needed some words of reassurance.
“Maybe it was all that? Even a man like that may want your reassurance after all.”
And she laments about not understanding. And i try to catch her eyes. “Because we’re not perfect. Sometimes it takes drastic action or someone else or both?” Because it certainly was with me and Megumi-san.
She tells me she doesn’t have an answer on whether to continue with Saitou-san. “I think that’s the best answer for now. Think about it and whatever your answer is. We’ll be here for you.” I squeeze her hand one last time and let it go.
“Hey I didn’t know you two were friends now!”
“Oh Misao-san!” I stand up totally glad she’s here! I rush over and give her a hug. “You look nice in a regular kimono. You should wear that more often!”
“Hi, Hide-san. I was just stopping in to say hello – I have some Oniwaban business in Tokyo – oh, and Kenshin-san said I could stay with you guys!”
“Oh yes yes yes! Of course!” I look excitedly at Yagi-san and it’s then I remember I still have an afternoon tutoring to do. So I let Misao-san go and go over to Yagi-san and meet her at eye level. “I have to go for now but you know where to find me… rather -us-.”
I turn to leave. “Sorry Misao-san! Take care of my friend Yagi-san!” I wave by the door.
(OOC: Kaoru will exit.)
(Hide)
But Yagi-san, now you know. That’s the first step isn’t it?
“Yes,” I agree. But the first step is made, but where do I take the second? And the third? And will I like the path, and where it leads me? But I -must-. And I have to figure this out, sooner rather than later.
Because we’re not perfect. Sometimes it takes drastic action or someone else or both?
Her eyes meet mine, and I see… compassion. Action? I’ve only begun to see the problem. Again, though… this isn’t a time to sit and wait and hope that things magically get better, or that some sense of guilt or obligation will lead him back to me.
But Misao-san… is here? I didn’t hear the gate, but she is a ninja. I only smile as Himura-san envelops her in a hug, and gets one back.
“Thank you, Kaoru-san, I can’t ride the train in ninja garb!” Misao-san laughs, “sometimes we have to know how to blend in. But I like your look. Giving lessons today?”
I have to go for now but you know where to find me… rather -us-.
Again, I’m looking at those eyes. She’s… a good friend. “Thank you, Himura-san – for everything,” I say. She’s left me with a lot to think about.
She leaves, and Misao-san turns to me. “So, will those children of yours be home soon? And where’s Eiji-kun? Saitou said that he’s pretty big now too!”
(OOC – Close – will start new thread tomorrow)