A quiet dinner. Most of us, too tired, or worn down by the day. Even Ai-chan is fussy. Soon enough, though, I’ll have her weaned. Another month or so. As I put up dinner I look at the box that has the red lacquerware Hajime brought back from Aizu. I could have gotten it anywhere. But I liked the idea of having something to tie her to the land that meant something to her father. A land he once bled for, and nearly died for.
I wash the dishes, and clean up. Old muscles coming back.
Was everything that I did, a lie? A pretense? I shake my head, and walk into the formal room. Looking at the flag. Sincerity. I thought I was. But how do they see it, now? The one who left me and the one who remains.
Restless, I move about the house. My belongings (less my kimono) were apparently returned from the clinic sometime today, in a neat bundle. I take the cane and leave it in our room, and check on Yaso’s cloth. Oh, the things this has seen. But the blood lifted out, and it’ll be clean again. I set it to dry.
Why didn’t I try to measure up against you? You may have actually been the good one, Yaso-san, I wonder. It was easier to go after the other one. But he didn’t need an anti-Tokio, or for someone to out-Buddha the Buddha. Just a good woman.
<i>I don’t need a woman who’s only looking for an easy way and has no interest in getting to know who I am</i>
(OOC – Hide is awake and moves into the tatami room)
Saitou:
I get home later than I anticipated. Finding him a place in an already overflowing prison was no easy task… And filing his paper work as Fujiwara Harumasa -another- Okita Souji impersonator was even more complicated. But it’s done and no matter what he says in the prison that he is the “real” Okita Souji, at least no one in the TMPD will believe him and hopefully none of his cell mates either. Besides no one really knows anymore what Okita looks like except on those “pretty” pictures they sell in the market and that’s far from how the legend truly looks.
You don’t want him found.
Not really.
Why? Afraid she’d go running after him now that he’s “of this world”?”
-Not- at all.
I shake the voice away as I enter the house, a cigarette dangling from my mouth. Soon I should get an answer from the Itachi and if not from Yae at least. I go straight to my room, the tatami room. I’ll just go straight to sleep.
But someone’s there, rather -she’s- there.
Removing my cap I place it on the table and my jacket I hang on one of the Zaisu chairs surrounding the table. I open the door again to outside the garden.
“How is everyone?” I ask but then add, “If everyone is retired for the night, you should too.”
How is everyone? If everyone is retired for the night, you should too
“Tired. We had dinner, they retired. Ai-chan was fussy, but she’s asleep now.”
I shake my head. “I wanted to wait up for you.” I briefly leave, and come back with his cup of coffee. I sett down the cup and open the shoji doors. “Do you still like coffee? I’d be surprised if you ended up being a tea drinker.”
I sit back down on the sofa, ignoring my throbbing ankle that I gave a workout to today. “So… I knew, and now you know. About who you are.” I look out at the garden, cloaked in night. “I knew… that night you came home. Your heartbeat sounds different. You spoke to me differently.”
“We’re strange creatures. My sister and I, and that shadow you created, are all Yagi Hides, but we’ve always been physically and mentally… separate. But you… it’s always been different. I don’t know which way is harder.” I look over at him. “I don’t know if he’ll ever come back. I’m not going to make any promises that neither of you would believe in, or declarations.” I look down at my hand, at the ring that I spent some time tonight wondering if I still should wear, but I decided to keep on. “As I said… no more false hope, and that’s what promises from me would be right now.” I swallow. It’s hard to learn a new way.
“You… don’t have to stay in the tatami room, on the sofa. You’re welcome in our room, our bed. It’s not because… I’m going to seduce myself to a solution.” I remember what I told Yukiko-san, that had we talked more instead of kissed… and that not only could be not be intimate with me, he could barely kiss me by the end. “Or for appearances. But… this is your place. You… made this house for me. When it was only a sofa, or a futon, when you came to visit in those early days.” I smile a little, “I guess you were there the entire time, ne?”
“So you saw through me, better than him. You’re not blinded by love as he was.” I look down, then back up. “And… I want to get to know you. Not to get to him… and I know you won’t make it easy for me.” Another slight smile crosses my lips. “You can probably make clouds of smoke to act as wall just as well as he can.” But the smile drops, and my face becomes serious. “But because you are a part of the whole. And even if you say you’re not… I think you were there, across the years. Saitou Hajime is… a complicated being, with as many facets as names. I’m a little afraid,” I say, blinking, “because my dream may be lost. But… even if it is, I’m not going to push you away anymore. I’m going to ask the questions I should have asked, have the feelings I should have had, even if they’re uncomfortable or upsetting or could break things.”
I look at my ring. It’s now a symbol of my promise, to myself. To be a good woman, but not -for- him. Or as I think he defines it.
If my dream is lost and we do part, I have to be a good woman to live on. What we once had, despite its flaws, demands it. To keep his daughters from that fate I once saw requires it.
And I need to be s good woman for my own self, and not to be better than any other woman, living or dead. Is this self-promise a false hope as well? Only time will tell.
Saitou:
“Tired. We had dinner, they retired. Ai-chan was fussy, but she’s asleep now.”
I nod and reply, “They’ll be better in the morning.”
She tells me she wanted to wait up? Why? Then asks me about coffee.
“I’ve always liked coffee.” I tell her and take the coffee and smoke at the same time.
Then she goes to talking about knowing me. Who I am and that one who disappears as soon as I step foot in this house. Well -usually-. She looks at her ring. I’m surprised she still wears it after she ran away after I bedded her. But as I told her, there’s no point to having a ring that isn’t used for it’s intended purpose. I take a longer drag on my cigarette and blow out the smoke high up above my head.
“You… don’t have to stay in the tatami room, on the sofa. You’re welcome in our room, our bed. It’s not because… I’m going to seduce myself to a solution.” “Or for appearances.
“I already -had- you. If I wanted to, I can have you again.” I ash the cigarette, “I’ll stay in the bedroom. No need to agitate the other “housemates”.”
And she talks about this house, when it was -barely- a house. How it transformed to this very real structure owned by the government. I grin a little to myself. He’s not a total idiot I suppose. And as for me being here the entire time, probably longer than him. I’m the -real- one after all. Not that love sick fool.
But because you are a part of the whole. And even if you say you’re not… I think you were there, across the years. I’m a little afraid,” “because my dream may be lost.
My eyes narrow remembering a time at the machiya when she came and I was very -very- drunk. She didn’t see me then too. But what was this dream? I don’t remember and certainly it matters little now.
But… even if it is, I’m not going to push you away anymore. I’m going to ask the questions I should have asked, have the feelings I should have had, even if they’re uncomfortable or upsetting or could break things.”
I finish the coffee. I let the woman speak, hopefully to her hearts content. What happens now is anyone’s guess. Besides there can’t be anything else left to ask me is there? I already told her I’ve kept another, well I wasn’t the -only- guilty party. And as for the rest, all that’s come to past.
“Instead of talking about how you’ll change, maybe -next- time think about how your rash actions affects the people in this house.” I could demand reasons for her disappearance, like I did of my wife but I’ve come to learn that people do what they want to in the end. She’ll be no different.
“Don’t you want to know about your Souji?” I ask. I’m sure she’s -dying- to know.
I notice him looking at the ring. Why? But other than agreeing that he likes coffee, he says little as I talk.
I already -had- you. If I wanted to, I can have you again. I’ll stay in the room. No need to agitate the other “housemates”
My cheeks flame red, his rejection… even when that’s not what I was offering… I look down and clench my hands. The detachment he has now… always slaps me back down to earth.
Instead of talking about how you’ll change, maybe -next- time think about how your rash actions affects the people in this house.
“I guess that was too much like your wife?” I look back outside. “I wouldn’t say I had a better reason… but since you’ve said you wished I -was- her…” I shrug, taking a deep breath, one that shudders a bit, but my eyes that look at him are suddenly angry. “That -hurt-. You’d said it before but a while back you said it in chat and I didn’t know what to say. It hurt, Hajime. You can accuse me of anything with other men, of -anything-… but to wish I was her? And if you said it idly in that space, when did you wish it and not just say it? I may not matter outside of here or other stories or history, I may just be a damned weed but I’m -Yagi Hide-. Who I am matters to me. And I thought it did to you as well.”
I pause, and take a moment to calm down. “I… feel bad for what I did to Eiji-san, though. He was only doing as you asked. I abused the trust he had for me.” And Yukiko-san and the children, true innocents in all of this. When she ran off, for her reasons, did she think of the boys, of Eiji-san? Was she as stupid as me?
Probably not. She was a paragon, after all. Snakes and all that.
Don’t you want to know about your Souji?
I look at him. “Is he secure in the TMPD facility? No drunken guards, no loose gates? So he won’t sneak out and come back to lurk at us again?” I frown. “What’s next is on him, but I imagine that he’ll be detained for a long time. But he’s not mine, nor do I own his unhappiness.” Any pity I feel now… is for who he -should- have been.
“What I want to know is about Aioi.” I look at him. “Tell me – is she the same as your flame from the old days? The one, according to stories, whose freedom you bought out with money taken from Itou-san? She was around back during the summer when you were away, and now again – at the machiya. I remember the last time I was there… that morning after the caped man. In -that- place…” I close my eyes. “Yes, I avoided asking. Because she was entwined in your work, and I’ve always agreed that work comes first and so then questioning -her-… ” I clench my hands. “So instead I told myself that surely you loved me and would -never-… and that showing you how perfect and trusting I was instead of a vile, jealous woman… someone small and -petty-… was the way. So that I wouldn’t push you towards something you may not have even done yet.”
“You wanted to see -my- darkness. Here it is. I’m not good, I’m not noble. I’m no saint. I have doubts and fears and I get angry. I know how other women want you and it drives me crazy. I know you had plenty – before me when we were young, right before we met, in the wilderness. That you cheated on me, or at least made it seem like it, when I left you.” I put my head in my hands. “But since I was once the “other woman” when we met… It’s fun, it’s easy. No entanglements, just pure… whatever. Chemistry or release or pleasure. And you get to get back at the one who drove you off, or heal from the hurts she inflicted.”
I look at him. “So, is that what you get to enjoy now? A woman you’ve bedded intermittently for, what, twenty five years or so? Do you really think there are no strings from her?” I shake my head. Even “pros” have their own motives, and messy feelings. Saya-san, after all, did love him.
Saitou:
She goes red when I remind her what position she’s in. What was that? Embarassment for her “propriety”? Or… Well what does it matter to a woman who’s only “passing time” when it’s convenient for her? I smoke.
You can accuse me of anything with other men, of -anything-… but to wish I was her?
I smirk a little. Now she talks about other men. Men she threw herself to even when -I- was the one who came for her in Ito and then in that foreign place. “Well well. Aren’t we even then?”
I may just be a damned weed but I’m -Yagi Hide-. Who I am matters to me. And I thought it did to you as well.”
Of course it did. That’s why I wished she was -my- wife all along. Names didn’t matter back then didn’t it? She even pretended she -was- Tokio and I did too. Well not so much Tokio but was my wife. But I give her an answer, “So I guess that entire speech about not being a weed and you coming from something we had was a lie.” I chuckle. I knew it was only a matter of time. Thank Kami he’s not here anymore.
At least her remorsefulness about what she did to the people in this house seems genuine. Not that any of that was directed to me, the one who she kept dragging around for -months- and then disappears when I need her. I’m not sure what’s worst her or my runaway wife. Again thank Kami I’m not that -idiot-.
“Is he secure in the TMPD facility? “What’s next is on him, but I imagine that he’ll be detained for a long time. But he’s not mine, nor do I own his unhappiness.”
“Well just in case you change your mind,” I start another cigarette, “You won’t find your Souji there, just a man named Fujiwara Harumasa. Feel free to visit him anytime.”
And she asks about Aioi now? I let her ask her string of questions as I puff more on my cigarette. “First I wasn’t able to buy her freedom. It was a cover as I escaped the Goryo Eiji.”
And she goes on a tirade about sparing me, her jealous feelings. That she has darkness. That I cheated on her back in the wilderness. This woman who’s so perfect she even trumps Otsune-san. “Oi oi. Isn’t it a little late for that? Don’t tell me you actually care now?”
“So, is that what you get to enjoy now? A woman you’ve bedded intermittently for, what, twenty five years or so? Do you really think there are no strings from her?”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “That woman you speak ill of. I had her -first-, the first time she became available at the Sumi-ya. -I- was her patron for the years you were gallivanting off with your Okita and throwing yourself at him.”
Of course I don’t tell her, what Aioi used to do for me when she and I were apart. Oh yes when she ran away from me. You want me to pretend Hajime-han? Oh that Mibu girl -again-?
Well well. Aren’t we even then?
I shake my head. “Charles was a… prop. One I only gave more… story to because you asked me, so -tenderly- as you held me in your arms, that I “knew love”. And it turns out that foolish Hide took you at your word because all I wanted was -you-. To please you. You wanted me to be a nurse so I could take care of you, done. You wanted me to know love so instead I made up a husband – dead, of course, to stay out of the way – instead of just getting caught up in someone else’s story to get to London. That I forgot that thing that your writer triumphantly waved in front of my face is because this name – this Charles – was nothing to me. How could I? I was in London for -you-. In Ito we could barely talk and I was -aching- to know have your love and be with you that I’d do anything.” I look away, unable to hold back tears. “But “knowing love” had another meaning, stupid -me- to take you at what you said.”
So I guess that entire speech about not being a weed and you coming from something we had was a lie.
He smiles, as if catching a transgression gives him pleasure. “You seem to be disavowing everything we had. What can I be, then, if not a weed? The way he talked about me before he left made it sound like I was a curse upon him. I said I wasn’t a weed because I found a place to grow, and that you didn’t think I was one… that I had a place in your library.” And he said something about the other versions of him, that night? But I didn’t think anything of it that night. I was with him, both alive, and basking in that memory. Instead, I should have been alert to the clues that it was all about to go upside down.
You won’t find your Souji there, just a man named Fujiwara Harumasa. Feel free to visit him anytime.
“I don’t think I will.” I smile, and then shake my head. “You still think… god.”
Oi oi. Isn’t it a little late for that? Don’t tell me you actually care now?
I sigh. “Yes. And it’s probably too late. But I’m not going to sit quietly anymore.”
-I- was her patron for the years you were gallivanting off with your Okita and throwing yourself at him
I throw my hands up. “Enough! You said -nothing- to me then, if you really were so despairing of love for me – you barely even seemed to notice me. Same with Todou-san. Everyone but -me- saw that Souji was incapable of having a functional relationship and that others could, yet did nothing, said nothing, yet you -still- condemn me for it. Do you see why I didn’t want to fall to jealousy? I see what it does to -you- – how you obsess, and never, ever are going to get over it. I’m glad you got -one- virgin in your life since I was -ruined- by the time you approached me.” Wearily, I ask. “Why did you even ever love me? Why? When I was never going to be -enough- for you, worthy of you, no matter how much I love you? When you could never forgive my past? Why did you promise me a future?”
I look at him. “Why are you here? Is this what he wants, or is this your idea of justice?” I collapse onto the floor, as a sense of hopelessness washes over me. “To break me? This is the man here – one who pushes, one who -provokes- – well, you’re very good at it. You don’t even need your gatotsu to make me bleed.”
And with that, I start to sob, my heart broken, my world shattered, my dreams crushed.
Saitou:
She takes me to task about London. About my series of “request” that she tried to fulfill. That Charles was nothing to her and likely he -was- nothing. But how many times did she tell me I was unresponsive to her then. Why would I? She just told me the truth about her origin and Souji, those stars that they looked up to. And when I held her, why would I refer to someone else’s love but mine for her. Well it’s certain wonderful she conveniently forgot she told me she’s going there to give me a “first” but then turned around and told me some old man was fucking grinding her all night. It was… the hardest fracture of myself at that time.
The way he talked about me before he left made it sound like I was a curse upon him. I said I wasn’t a weed because I found a place to grow, and that you didn’t think I was one… that I had a place in your library.”
I stand there immovable. I know exactly what I said. That she took almost all of my library. Almost all of me. It’s then that I realized I’m falling into the same trap. -This- trap of wanting to respond to her again. Or have I already fallen for it earlier?
“I don’t think I will.” “You still think… god.”
“Actually I -don’t-.” At least, I can’t care anymore. “I’m merely offering it because I know you -can’t- leave a situation as is especially someone you loved? I heard it in the dojo, you were -trying- to reform him.” And maybe she still can reach him, now that her sister seemed to have abandoned him. If they want to rekindle their destined love, why not? With the powers of this place it’s easy to replace names and faces. She can finally get back at me for wishing she were Tokio. She can wish I was her Souji.
Enough! You said -nothing- to me then, if you really were so despairing of love for me – you barely even seemed to notice me. Same with Todou-san. Everyone but -me- saw that Souji was incapable of having a functional relationship and that others could, yet did nothing, said nothing, yet you -still- condemn me for it.
“I wasn’t -despairing- of love for you back then.” I glower at her, “And it was no one’s responsibility to tell you what an idiot you were following a man around who could’ve gotten you killed.” Although that’s probably no different now, when this woman is telling me I’ve ruined her life.
Do you see why I didn’t want to fall to jealousy? I see what it does to -you- – how you obsess, and never, ever are going to get over it.
Ah so the truth comes out of what she really thinks of me. But it was something I already suspected she thought of long ago. It’s no an unfair assumption. I merely stare back at her.
And she insults another. I’m glad you got -one- virgin in your life since I was -ruined- by the time you approached me.” I remember that first night I took her and made her mine. Yes I was painfully aware of Okita, but even back then I couldn’t stay away. I should’ve, then we wouldn’t be in this mess. Or rather she wouldn’t.
“Why did you even ever love me? Why? When I was never going to be -enough- for you, worthy of you, no matter how much I love you?
“I should be asking you that question Hide.” I end up chuckling a little, “Well actually I guess -he- should.”
Why are you here? Is this what he wants, or is this your idea of justice?” “To break me?
I’d tell her it’s because I can’t stay away. Not for long. Ah but he already told her that before didn’t he? It’s like a moth drawn to a flame. “Break you?” I give her a side long glance and just shake my head.
And she sobs on the floor. After a while I pull her up.
“It’s been a long day. Everyone’s tired so go do what I first told you and go to bed.”
I’d bring her to her room. Carry her -maybe-. But what’s the use? This woman got to me tonight but at least I know what she really thought of me. I guess the ahou was right after all.
(OOC: you can close tom unless Hide plans to continue. Saitou is going to stay in the tatami room and leave in the morning back to the Kamiya dojo.)
He waits unit I’m spent and pulls me up.
I heard it in the dojo, you were -trying- to reform him
“Mercy,” I mutter. “Even though he tried to kill me, was it so wrong to offer him that?” I look up at him, with red, bleary eyes. I heard it somewhere that mercy should temper justice. But to this man he can only see some proof of an undying love.
I’m stiff as I stand, my balance unsteady. “The Aioi story… was also to see if my love was stronger than the hurt.” I take one more look at him. I step closer, and kiss his lips, softly, and in my kiss I whisper that it is. Although he won’t understand me. This one even more thinks the worst of me, and I’ve proven it all tonight.
Well actually I guess -he- should.
I smile at that, bitterly. “Ah, but I can’t. He sent you here to do it.”
I turn and leave. He said, during the judgement, that he had corrupted a naïve but hopeful creature. No, Hajime, I think sadly. I did that to myself.
I leave the room, and go to my own. Check on Ai-chan. Fall into bed.
(OOC – close)