I tell myself it’s work. And then I worry about -that-. He usually lets me know these days…. but police emergencies don’t happen on schedule.
That’s it. It’s his job. Things happen. He’s the immortal wolf, my ookami-sama…
At breakfast I smile brightly and set everyone out for their day. Children to school, with escorts. Ai-chan made content, the one person that I don’t have to fake a smile for, because her expectations are so -simple-.
And an eye at the door. He could come in at any time. Or…
I look at myself again in the mirror of our room. The short hair, the scars. It’s all a reminder, isn’t it? And… I had wanted to show him. What I’d been practicing, alone, in our room.
And our unfinished conversations. That he didn’t come in that free space, or here. I’m glad that she’s staying away. So I don’t hear that undermining voice – I’m doing a good job of that on my -own-, thank you very much, sister dear.
It’s work it’s work it’s work it’s work. Not me, not us, that kept him from his place next to me last night. Right? But I’ve been warned about my habit of hiding from things. Yes, my name in English -is- ironic.
Well, and Englishman is coming this afternoon, set on… something. And I can’t avoid that anymore.
(OOC – Hide is at home, ready to receive any visitors. And yes, she -did- skip out on PT today!)
Why are we here? I`m supposed to be at work.
Because you almost passed out again you idiot and you look and smell terrible in that uniform. No way I`ll be caught up in -that-.
I go inside the kitchen rummaging through the drawers, looking for that concoction the itachi gave me. I thought I`d do well enough without it since I`ve not needed it in a while. Thankfully everyone`s out of the house. The children at school, Yukiko likely is with Eiji and Ai and Hide should be at therapy. Hopefully the hired carriage is doing her well, although it hasn`t rained lately but it must be a more comfortable ride.
Now where is it? After that I`ll just grab a change of clothes and I`ll be off back to the precinct and hopefully I hear word today. I`ve not received a word from Chief Kanemoto since we got back and that has me worried.
After getting Ai-chan down for her morning nap, I hear something in the kitchen. “Yukiko-san, you’re back quick…” I stop, because it’s Hajime that I see, going through the drawers.
I worried and worried and here he is, doing something so… mundane.
I go over to him, even though as I approach I can -smell- him. No drink, but the scent of a long night… and perfume? I put my arms around him. “It’s good to see you – I was worried about you last night,” I say, softly, leaning forward to kiss him since he’s bent over already. “Can I help you find something?”
“No it’s fine.” I reply as she kisses me.
I look behind her. “Are the kids gone? Why aren’t you in therapy? Did your ride not come today?” I frown. She won’t get better if she doesn’t go to her appointments.
Straightening up I start a cigarette. I’ll just look for that concoction later.
“Eiji-san and Yukiko-san took the children to school, and then to market. So I decided to stay… I didn’t know what time our visitor was coming and I didn’t want to leave it to Yukiko-san, since she doesn’t speak English.” Then I step away from him, and slowly make a circle around the kitchen, with no cane, no holding onto the counters. I smile at him, this has been the hard work I’ve done when not allowed to do anything else. “I know I have more work today and it’s not… ideal to skip today, but… well, sometimes schedules have to be adjusted.”
I pull on his jacket. “It looks like you had a long night – would you like to take a bath?” I look over at him, “I can come with you, wash your back… but first, are you sure I can’t help you find what you want in here? Yukiko-san hasn’t re-arranged anything…”
“I’ll refuse him. There’s no need for visitors to come.” I don’t know why she wants anyone here most of the visitors have been nuisances and there’s not much time to waste.
She goes around the room without a cane and I know I’m glad to see it. Maybe her strength yesterday wasn’t a fluke. “I’m glad you’re able to somewhat walk on your own but…” I blow a smoke to the side, “there wasn’t a good reason for you to skip your sessions.”
She asks if I’d like a bath but it’s not like she can start one. “I’m a bit late for work already. I’ll do a quick scrub and be on my way.” I ignore answering the question I’ve answered already.
I sigh, “Are you sure you can’t get a session in? I can try to take you there.” From now on maybe I’ll make sure Eiji accompanies her or maybe Yukiko. Besides I can’t be counted on for these things.
I’ll refuse him. There’s no need for visitors to come.
I shake my head. “Aren’t I supposed to stop avoiding things that I don’t want to deal with?” I turn and look at him. He talks about me skipping my sessions. Passes on my suggestion for a bath together. Won’t tell me what he was searching for, almost frantically. Or why he smells like he does – of fatigue and perfume.
I look down. “The other one. The one that was here the other night. I want to talk to him. I’m certain he’s there, isn’t he?” My eyes meet his. “He’s in your head so much that you can’t even look at me…”
“You said it yourself, you don’t want to.” I shrug. “I’m not going to force you.”
She avoids the issue of her therapy -again-. She’s getting better and I’m sure it’s because of that doctor. Whatever his name was.
Then she asks for him? Why him? And she gives me a look. It’s not like I can just make him come out at will. I don’t even know when or why he does nor where he begins and I end. And why she even wants him now. “You understand you’re not making much sense?” I put out my cig on the sink.
Why does she want him anyway? And who’s in my head, well she should know who that is.
“But it needs to be done,” I say, “and I’m not being forced. I avoided him before because…” I look away, then down at my hands. “I thought it was all London coming back again. That the paper man I made up to be married to to have my freedom there would come back – another “dream” you could pass me off to, even if he was never my dream, had you just but asked. And he did come to me, you know. When I was in captivity, when I saw my witnesses to what would turn out to be my judgement.”
You understand you’re not making much sense?
“I know it’s different but… at least that one would maybe talk to me, when he’s not tearing you up.” I step forward and claim a kiss. I break away and look at him. “You smell like another woman. You -don’t- smell of sex – after all, you -know- I know what you smell like and…” I let out a haggard breath. “I know that you never would. As much as you could be pushed at it, as much as I’m supposed to -think- it. That you wouldn’t, even when we’re at cross purposes so badly.” I lean my head against his chest. “So there’s a -lot- you’re not telling me. I just… want to love you. Support you. Reach you. And… just like you defended me against another me, I’m here for you in the same way.” I reach for his hands, even with my bandaged one reaching for its counterpart. “And even if I can’t help in the way you helped me… I’ll do it in all the ways I -can-.”
“So you thought it was London.” I start another cigarette. “I didn’t ask, because even if you’d answer I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. What did they say? Words are -cheap-.”
And maybe that’s why I was willing for another one of her “dreams” to come into this place. One almost like a walled garden.
“I know it’s different but… at least that one would maybe talk to me, when he’s not tearing you up.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.” He won’t spare her. He may not even care much for any of them. And she kisses me in the middle of us arguing.
You smell like another woman. You -don’t- smell of sex
I step back as she looks at me and reveals she knows. Just by the smell but I’ve come home several times smelling exactly as I have and at times much worst. Did she only know now or did she know the other times? I don’t smell of sex now but… I clam up. What would he say to her? Probably exactly what I used to say to Tokio. But again she falls back into that false hope or belief that I’m a much better man than I’m truly am.
So there’s a -lot- you’re not telling me. I just… want to love you
And I wonder as she leans into me, is what she said real or just another set of words? She can give me her life like in Kato’s estate but that’s ror the man in her head, her dreams. The one I tried to live up to but fail miserably.. Maybe he should come out so she can see him, have her reject him like she’s done countless of times.
She reaches for my hand and I hold her back. It’s not much. “I was with a woman. Nothing happened.” I’m not sure why I even bothered to tell her this. It means nothing. “If you’re not going to therapy then get some rest.”
I let her go and turn to leave. I think I have a spare of clothes at work.
OOC will respond tomorrow
He saw with his own eyes that the man he thought I’d dreamt of… was willing to kill me, based on… well, even if my accusers had their own agendas, they weren’t all entirely wrong. There was enough right that I was willing to get on my knees, after all. “Why don’t you ever believe in me? I’m only about -you-. I’m not going to throw you over for some teenaged fantasy, nor some prop for a story. Next… will it be that man that beats the Hide in the story your writer can’t finish? Is that the next dream you’ll assign me?” I sigh.
“Hajime… -my- dream for -you- is that you find fulfillment and purpose in following your justice, even though it’s a dangerous path.” I touch his shoulder, where the newest scars lie. “One often in the shadows. And that… when you get to the end of the day, or the mission, that someone’s waiting there for you, with a good meal, to welcome and comfort you.” I smile, a little. “I’d still like to be that someone. That’s my dream for myself. And that you doubt me, or yourself… well, our past gives you plenty of reasons to.”
He does take my hand, as he admits to a woman. I only squeeze back, even thought it’s my injured hand, as the strength returns there too. “Thank you for telling me about it,” I say, simply.
He seems…. so full of doubt right now. And I don’t think it’s just the voice. It’s everything. I look at him, this flawed, complicated man who I love, who sometimes seems to struggle so. Doesn’t he understand that I love him -because- of that, that it’s a part of -why- I love him? That a -perfect- man only exists in fantasy? That the dreams he assigns me were far from perfect – Charles is mostly a cipher, a placeholder. But Souji was a man who hid his complexity behind a smile and the walls he built, who would never allow me true intimacy – the sort that’s not done in bed but the meeting of two souls. I won’t be happy with a man whose level of satisfaction is merely “content”. I’ll be with a man who makes me cry sometimes because there’s also joy, miraculous, incandescent -joy- at so many times. I just look at him, brushing his bangs back, before kissing him softly one more time on his forehead.
“Go clean up and change,” I say, tugging on his arm as he moves to leave. “And let me make you a lunch to take back.” I can get something simple together, at least.
She’s upset about the dreams she thinks I assign her. I only assigned her one and that was Souji but that was because he was supposed to be her destiny and she said it herself, everything she was, were because of him – until she retracted that of course. “Your Charles would be here today not for your sake but mine.” That’s all I could say. I never liked repeating myself.
She tells me about my dream, one that I already follow. With her or without her. But I’d prefer her to be there like the dream she has for herself. But how can we? We can’t even move forward. Her lacking action and my now loss for words.
And she says nothing about Aioi. Even Tsune-san had a few words after Kondou-san got caught with Miyuki. I guess even Hide runs out of words.
But that wouldn’t matter to me ahou. None of the things you worry about would matter as I’m better. -Stronger-. *smirk* Dare I say wiser?
I do as I’m told and go clean up. I hear Yukiko and Eiji talking as they come in the house. And I hear my daughter Ai laughing. -Good-. They’ll keep Hide pre-occupied. They’ll keep us in line.
With a fresh uniform, I put on my cap and look at the mirror.
You understand now right? Let me take over.
Not yet. Just one more night, until Tomu comes home.
Oh still trying to get that boy on your side? It’ll never work.
It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t.
That’s what’s wrong with you, you never play to win. -Loser-. *smirks* It’ll be -amusing- to see you make another fool of yourself. I grant you your wish.
Ai-chan has been a joy all morning. Such a good baby. I smile up at Eiji, making Ai-chan wave her hand but then Uncle comes into the kitchen!
“Oh Uncle! Say hi to Ai.” He smiles at the both of us. “Did you forget anything Uncle?”
“Just my bento that your Aunt had promised me.” Uncle goes over to Auntie and kisses her on the cheek and takes the bento for her.
“Will you be coming home by dinner Otou-san?”
“Yes of course.”
“Ah then I’ll be sure to add extra rice. And I bought some beef! I’ll make a hot pot!”
Eiji seems pleased we’re all having dinner tonight. Ai-chan reaches up for her father so I take her closer and he kisses her on the cheek. “Goodbye Little One.” He says to her, then turns to the rest of us, “Well I better get going.”
(OOC: Saitou is exiting)
I get a brief kiss as he picks up his bento. But that’s… something. And from his further withdrawal, I wonder if…. I didn’t press for more about the other woman. I wanted to show him that I trusted him -implicitly-, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t -care-. Like -why- he was there…
But we’re no longer alone. Yukiko-san and Eiji-san are here, and Ai-chan is… wonderful. A smile comes, naturally, as I watch Hajime kiss her plump cheek and she chortles in response.
He leaves, and my heart lurches, watching him. Any time we have to part with things unresolved, hurting…
“Beef sounds wonderful, thank you for going to the market, Yukiko-san,” I say, trying for a smile to her and Eiji-san. “I’m going to go to my room and rest for a bit, if that’s okay.” Ai-chan reaches out for her and I take her, nuzzling her warm neck as she tugs on my hair. Since she’s supporting herself better, I can hold her better…
“Come on, little one,” I say, heading to the bedroom. She has to be hungry….
(OOC – Hide exits unless stopped, you may close)
Yukiko:
Uncle leaves and Auntie thanks me for the beef, “Oh but it’s Eiji’s idea! Now that he’s had more practice in cooking he wants to make the Akabeko’s famous hot pot.”
Eiji shuuses me but I only laugh. Didn’t he see Uncle out the door already? Then Auntie takes Ai and excuses herself to her room. I look at Eiji a bit quizzically. His smile dropping from his face. So he felt it too. The air in the room was so heavy, talking cheerily was all I could do.
He places his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s nothing they can’t handle.”
I look up at him and nod. He’s right, after all they went through in Osaka, whatever it is can’t be any worst.
(Ooc end)