I did my prescribed exersizes three times today.
I rested.
I do what Yukiko-san seems comfortable with me doing – feeding Ai-chan, playing with her some. I want to do more but I promised Hajime and I also don’t want to put Yukiko-san in the middle. But she’s working too hard… she’s not used to this.
Makoto comes home, telling me that Tsutomu-kun went off with Midori-san.
My amusement at that fades as the sunlight does.
Something is wrong…
I try not to let my agitation show to Makoto and Yukiko-san, but when I don’t have enough to keep me occupied… well, only the worst things go through my head. If only Eiji-san were here, I could send him out to look… but he said he had things to attend to. And I… well, what did she say? That my ankle was broken to take my freedom.
(OOC – Hide is at home)
We get home and I tell Tsutomu to have some dinner. I’m not hungry but it feels like the escape Hide and I had was weeks ago. He probably prefers to eat alone. I go to the washroom to clean up hoping to go to bed early.
(OOC: Hide can interact with Tsutomu in the kitchen or Saitou later in their room that has a bathroom.
Hajime goes one way, Tsutomu-kun goes to the kitchen.
“Let me get you some dinner,” I say, going to where Yukiko-san left food out and at the ready for them to return home. Home. They’re home late, with faces that are both blank yet full of thunder at the same time…
“Auntie, you shouldn’t be doing that!” Yukiko-san came in just as I was trying to re-light the fire to start some water… which I was fumbling with. But I knew Tsutomu-kun’s eyes were too sharp to sneak out the lighter I stashed in my sleeve…
“Tsutomu-kun needs his dinner,” I say.
She waves me off. “And you’re not supposed to be cooking,” she says, sighing. “Auntie, please rest. It’s what Uncle wants, you know.”
I look down at my bandaged, useless hand. “Thank you, Yukiko-san.” I can’t be upset with her. She’s taking care of me as she was asked to.
Instead I go to our room. I can hear Hajime in the washroom. Knocking softly, I open the door to go in.
The cool water is feels good on my face. I press the towel on my eyes a bit and blink them to focus. The door opens and it’s Hide.
“Ah sorry we’re late.” I tell her. I look her over for a moment, at least she looks well. “I’ll be done in a moment.” I say slinging the towel over my shirt.
I go to him, getting between him and the sink so I can embrace him – no more of those back-hugs that I was doing for a while. “I’m glad you’re both home. Yukiko-san chased me out of the kitchen again,” I say, trying not to sigh.
I take the towel from him. “I’m glad you’re home… with both of you gone I was worried, since I heard that Tsutomu-kun had left with Midori-san.” I take it and wipe his face gently. There’s worry there, under the reserve.
“Do you want help with the rest?” I ask, reaching up to his shoulder with my good hand and kneading it lightly. I lean my head on his chest. “And then you can tell me what happened tonight that made you both come in with identical faces.”
Yukiko-san chased me out of the kitchen again,”
I smooth down her hair. “Is that your way of complaining?” I smile at her slightly, “I’m sure Yukiko is enjoying having you back and helping.”
“I’m glad you’re home… with both of you gone I was worried, since I heard that Tsutomu-kun had left with Midori-san.”
“Ah yes, he was with Nishino. We dropped her off at school since it was getting late.”
“Do you want help with the rest?”
I catch her hand that tried to knead the tenseness I was feeling and shake my head. “I can manage. and I’m done” I tell her and put the towel back on the rack. “Here, let’s get out of this cramped washroom.” I say with a grin. “It’s claustrophobic here.”
Opening the door, i let her go out first and into our room.
“Is that your way of complaining? I’m sure Yukiko is enjoying having you back and helping
“It’s…. I’m adjusting, to not doing everything,” I say. “But I’m glad to have her. Even if she’s surprised me in how -stern- she can be in getting me to let go. I guess that’s some of that Yamaguchi blood showing,” I say, with a smile, tapping the tip of his nose.
So she was out this late too? Oh dear… she made it sound like the school was understandably strict on these things.
I take his suggestion to leave the washroom and we go to our room. I sit down on the bed, stretching back. “I worked hard on my exercises today. I just want to have it all back… and not just for this,” I say, patting the bed and grinning softly at him, “although it’s not far from my mind. But it would be nice to have two hands to get that tightness out of your neck and shoulders.”
“But I’m glad to have her. Even if she’s surprised me in how -stern- she can be in getting me to let go. I guess that’s some of that Yamaguchi blood showing,
“Enjoy it for now?” I say as she walks out of the washroom and finds her spot on the bed. “We won’t have her forever.” Though the truth was I’m not really sure what’s in the girl’s future but until that unfolds I can’t let Hiroaki’s only daughter be alone.
“I worked hard on my exercises today. I just want to have it all back… and not just for this,”
I look at her and grin slightly. If it was a different time -maybe- we’d try but not right now I guess. “Keep going at it? You’ve only done a day in therapy and you have -weeks- or maybe even months left.”
She mentions something about my shoulder but I think it will be fine. I like it when she’s able to remove the knots but I can survive as is. I sit down beside her but decide I really need to straighten my back, so I end up lying down on the bed with my feet on the floor. Now what to tell?
“I guess we won’t have to worry about Tomu getting into the wrong crowds or doing drugs.” I start, “He certainly was planning to spend the money on a girl, but it was the wrong one.” I sigh and look up the ceiling. “He has it in his head that his mother is hard up.”
We won’t have her forever.
“I know. And I hope that she’ll take something from here.” I add, “her rice has turned out pretty good – no more hard bits,” I smile.
Keep going at it? You’ve only done a day in therapy and you have -weeks- or maybe even months left
“I made a promise,” I say, simply. “So I’m going to work hard.” Softly, I say, “I want to dance with you again… if not here, elsewhere.”
He lays down on the bed, and I unbutton his shirt. “Just looking at that shoulder of yours… you can check out my side later.” I carefully take off the bandages. It’s healing, but what about what lies beneath – the muscles and tendons and nerves? I carefully wrap it in fresh bandages, sealing it with a kiss before pulling his shirt back together.
He has it in his head that his mother is hard up.
At first, to know that it’s not trouble like what Hajime mentioned, is a relief… but what it was is still worrying. “He’s very… protective of her. He’s a good son.” I say, settling down next to him. “But that explains… why he wanted -so- much. It didn’t seem enough for school activities.” I snuggle close. “So how much does he know? Of her situation? Her brother supports her, I suppose?”
She works on my shoulder. I admit i tend to forget changing the dressings until I actually see it. And of course it was such a hectic day that I didn’t even think about her injury. “Thanks.”
“He’s very… protective of her. He’s a good son.” I don’t say anything to that. There are times I wish he wasn’t her son. But Tomu was made to love his mother, he was the manifestation of the dream we once had but… “She didn’t deserve him.”
“So how much does he know? Of her situation? Her brother supports her, I suppose?”
“The Takagi’s are a family that not only had influence but some money as well.” I reach into my pocket and place an unlit cigarette on my mouth. “After the war, most of Aizu was poor but some families still kept some pockets of their wealth hidden from the new government army. Her mother was shrewd enough to do this and when she died split it between Tokio and Morinosuke, her brother.”
“But I forbade her to use this money when we started our life here in Tokyo. I believed if we lived simply enough, I could support the Fujita house with a job in the New Government” I place my hands behind the back of my head, But knowing Tokio in hindsight, that’s probably not the life she wanted to lead – she was always looking for something beyond what we had… “But that’s not the reason I stopped sending her support money, she’s no longer takes care of my sons – so why should I keep supporting her when she doesn’t even need it?”
He thanks me for taking care of his injury. He’d ignore it if he could… for all that imposter did to me, I curse him even more for striking Hajime in that spot that’s been a magnet for trauma but is so vital to his sword…
She didn’t deserve him.
I smile at that. “When I was in Ito, every time Makoto gave me one of her powerful hugs, I wondered if I deserved it. The love from your child is… powerful. Over time, they see your weaknesses, and faults… but I guess for him, it just made him hold on tighter. And her… instability… some men like to protect a fragile woman, even when she’s the one who should have been protecting him.”
He tells me of Tokio’s past, her family, their money… how unusual for a samurai family to have liquid assets, in those days, and given what Aizu endured, that they retained it.
I fish my smuggled lighter out of my sleeve and offer the flame to his unlit cigarette.
But I forbade her to use this money when we started our life here in Tokyo. I believed if we lived simply enough, I could support the Fujita house with a job in the New Government
Of course. A man wants to support his family, and in this job, working for the New Government, it must have been even more important.
But that’s not the reason I stopped sending her support money, she’s no longer takes care of my sons – so why should I keep supporting her when she doesn’t even need it?
“With Tsutomu-kun here, and Tsuyoshi-kun with the other family…” I look at him. “But how does Tsutomu-kun even know that you’re not supporting her?” I don’t investigate the mail, but there’s not been many letters for him, and most were addressed in a clumsy, boyish scribble that I thought was Tsuyoshi-kun’s…
Ooc reply tom
“When I was in Ito, every time Makoto gave me one of her powerful hugs, I wondered if I deserved it. The love from your child is… powerful. Over time, they see your weaknesses, and faults… but I guess for him, it just made him hold on tighter. And her… instability… some men like to protect a fragile woman, even when she’s the one who should have been protecting him.”
“So you’re saying I should’ve protected my wife instead?” I sigh and puff on the cigarette she help light up. “You never left Makoto, this “mother” left my children not once but several times.” And I don’t add that she left me, no matter what they all think. I just chose to stop going after Tokio anymore. Never run after a woman. Not anymore at least.
She doesn’t say anything nor inquire further about the Takagi’s nor my refusal to let Tokio use it as she desired. How does she think Kurosawa was able to send Tokio in advance to Tokyo? Why did Kurosawa took Tokio as another daughter? That did not come merely from the kindness of his heart. But I don’t say anything about it.
“With Tsutomu-kun here, and Tsuyoshi-kun with the other family…” I look at him. “But how does Tsutomu-kun even know that you’re not supporting her?”
“Didn’t you notice the money stopped coming?” I ask. In a way I expected her to know these things but I suppose her stubborness to not be involved in my sons affairs left her completely in the dark. “I did tell you I stopped sending money to Aizu a couple of months ago, but I stopped sending the money much earlier. I suppose his mother could care less that her dear son has nothing to sustain him.” I blow a long trail of smoke to the ceiling, “But he can’t go on without a penny, so I guess he probably planned to start working again. I wonder if Yukiko knows anything about it.”
So you’re saying I should’ve protected my wife instead?
“I know you tried,” I say, reaching for his free hand. “She refused. One can only be turned down so many times… ” I scoot closer and put my head on his chest. “But you saw her in a way that a child, her son, couldn’t.” I sigh. “I thought he was understanding some nuance the night that he came home drunk and you had your talk with him, but still… he’s coming to her protection.”
And I’m still surprised that she had money, all this time.
Didn’t you notice the money stopped coming?
“I don’t read his mail – and the only mail that has come for him lately I assumed to be from Tsuyoshi-kun, as the writing on the address looked a little… scribbly. Not that of a well-educated woman.” I look up at the ceiling. “I thought, though, how sad that she doesn’t even write him. A mother… should do better. Not even the money, but… she ran away from him again, and you get blamed for it again, don’t you?”
“So everything I’ve given him, it’s all gone to her?” I ask, disappointed. “I’m so careful with the household finances, and I probably gave him more than a boy would need for expenses.” I smile a little. “I was hoping he was finding some friends, going out… not just with that girl, but doesn’t he have an actual friend?”
“I thought he was understanding some nuance the night that he came home drunk and you had your talk with him, but still… he’s coming to her protection.”
“When he first came.. When I wished for him. I wished for a son who would love his siblings and especially his mother.” I say wryly. I guess I had made the assumption that the mother would automatically love her son instead of finding them as hindrances to whatever it was she was looking for. And for a moment I wonder, if I’d allowed her to indulge in those things she craved, maybe it would’ve tempered some of her desires?
I don’t read his mail – and the only mail that has come for him lately I assumed to be from Tsuyoshi-kun, as the writing on the address looked a little… scribbly. Not that of a well-educated woman.”
“Was there even mail?” I glance down at her and decide not to mince wods, “You… are the one who is responsible for the affairs of this house Hide.”
I thought, though, how sad that she doesn’t even write him. A mother… should do better.
“You’re right a mother should do better.” But the truth was, I gave up on Tokio a long time ago and relinquished my son to Hide. I could easily have said the same thing to Hide but I don’t. I guess what she said months ago was right, he’ll never be hers.
“So everything I’ve given him, it’s all gone to her?” I ask, disappointed. “I’m so careful with the household finances, and I probably gave him more than a boy would need for expenses.”
“I don’t know. There was some trouble in the post office because they refused to do the transfer without a guardian. Since you’ve been giving him money and this is the only time there’s been an issue, someone else must’ve been doing it for him.”
“I was hoping he was finding some friends, going out… not just with that girl, but doesn’t he have an actual friend?
“Making friends is not his strong suit. It runs in the family I think, even Yukiko nor myself.” And I can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment, realizing Hide knows barely anything about Tomu.
I stand up for a minute and go to the ashtray, putting it out. I glance at the crib where Ai-chan is sleeping and think, at least, this daughter of mine gets everything she needs or will need. That’s something.
“I’m thirsty. I’ll be back in a bit. Get some rest.”
(OOC: Saitou will head to the kitchen. You can close or follow him.)
When he first came.. When I wished for him. I wished for a son who would love his siblings and especially his mother.
“That’s a good wish,” I say, quietly. “He does love his siblings… he’s so good to Makoto. I think… Tsuyoshi-kun is still a hole in his heart.” But how to heal that? He seemed to avoid his brother when he was here.
Was there even mail?
“Yes. He stuffs it in his jacket. I don’t even thinks he reads them – I’ve seen it sitting on his desk the last time I went to his room to get his laundry.” Of course, that’s been weeks now…
You… are the one who is responsible for the affairs of this house Hide.
I look at him. Really -look- at this man who has become suddenly as distant as he was those days before everything was turned upside down, who looks at me with -annoyance-. “Hajime, I try with him and I am going to keep trying with him. I love that boy. Because he’s yours, yes, and even if he doesn’t want another mother and will never be -mine-…” I blink. “He’s mine. But he reminds me every time I try, that the claim doesn’t go the other way. But I keep thinking… my stupid, foolish -hopeful- self, that if I keep trying, in ways big and small… he lets me take care of him. And that my job, first, is to save him as your son, and Makoto and Ai-chan’s brother first, before I can make my claim on him. And that, in time…”
“And this is your house, too, even if your name isn’t on it yet. This is your family. Our family. The demands of your job can’t be helped but some of what he needs can’t come from a kindly well-meaning somewhat stepmother. The pains he carries – his mother, his brother – he needs -you-.” I sit up. “I can’t give him those answers. I’d like… to help him, when he does. As he tries to understand it. Because who will be the next truth-teller? Maybe… you don’t mind being all of the bad things he thinks you are. But I can’t do it alone, to change the -you- that’s in his mind.”
Making friends is not his strong suit. It runs in the family I think, even Yukiko nor myself.
“You were good at it, once.” I sigh.
I’m thirsty. I’ll be back in a bit. Get some rest.
I could do as he says. Just roll over, sleep, hope it all fixes the next day.
No
I stand, and make my way to stand in front of him, at the door. Holding onto the frame for support.
“I wish… sometimes… -many- times… that I had been Tokio, instead of me, over the years. That you had the wife you needed from the beginning, the mother those boys needed.” I put my hand on his back, tugging at his shirt. “It wasn’t even a month ago, in “chat”, that -you- made that wish.” I look down. “I didn’t even know what to say, then.”
“But I know that I can’t be her. I’m -glad- that I’m Yagi Hide, as infamous and obscure as I am, plain and rather stupid to boot. I’m glad that I honor the past you had, the one before Aizu. I’m learning that I can’t ignore Aizu, either – it shaped you just as your time in Kyoto did.” I grab his chin by one hand and kiss him – not soft, but a claiming one, rougher that I usually do. “I didn’t cheat death to repeat mistakes and stay at cross purposes. Did you?” I look at him, and for a moment I have the memory of the cool blade on the back of my neck, again, and I shiver, and I grip the doorframe so tightly that my knuckles are white.
Ooc to reply tom
“I didn’t even know what to say, then.”
“You should’ve called me out then.” I shake my head, “It’s hard for me too you know, to know that you should be who you are but still be faced over and over again that you’re not my wife. You were perfect, the only fault you ever had was your name.”
I am, plain and rather stupid to boot. I’m glad that I honor the past you had, the one before Aizu. I’m learning that I can’t ignore Aizu, either – it shaped you just as your time in Kyoto did.”
“So you think of yourself as stupid…” I shake my head, “Is that it really or maybe you just can’t or don’t want to face what’s in front of you?” I’d say more but she kisses me roughly and I’d ask her why? I’m hers. Has been since that time in the garden but it’s her staunch adherence to not know, to avoid uncomfortable things that leads me to think it may not be worth it as things don’t end up as she expects or wants.
“I don’t need you to fix my son’s image of who I am, maybe that will come someday. I -need- you to be a mother to him even if he pushes you away and makes it clear you are not.” I notice she’s holding the door tightly but I should tell her this while I still can. “A son who thinks his father is the worst, has a right to if that father wasn’t able to keep his house intact – as head of the Fujita house that wasy my duty. But that son is still my son who needs to show respect to whoever I choose as my new wife. I need you to start acting like you are my wife and like you are his mother.”
She shivers and I know I should have her sit down but when will we have another chance to speak about this? Do I just keep letting it go like in the past until it builds to where we can’t do anything right anymore?
“When he came home tonight, didn’t you spend your time worrying? Instead of offering him something to eat first, maybe you should’ve asked him where he’s been and why. And then determine if he deserved to be shown mercy or kindness, whether he deserved his meal. He’s my son, a samurai’s son. I didn’t beat him because Samurai families don’t beat their sons, but those sons were obedient and showed deference and when they were at odds? How many men were asked to commit seppuku? Showing him nothing but kindness, allows him to deviate from the path of honor and is no different than when his mother abandoned him or tries to manipulate him today.”
I stare at her for a moment and ask myself, did I say too much? “I was going out there to see if Yukiko was still awake. To ask her what she knows, about the money and how he planned to sustain himself.”
He chastises me and he’s -right-. From letting his “wish” passed by, taking the hurt of it and saying nothing… to everything he says about Tsutomu-kun.
I don’t need you to fix my son’s image of who I am, maybe that will come someday. I -need- you to be a mother to him even if he pushes you away and makes it clear you are not
After all… it’s clear that in defending Hajime and… focusing on that is not the answer.
I need you to start acting like you are my wife and like you are his mother.
I look up at him. Her voice, the memory, comes back to me. others you’ve left behind in your single-minded quest for Saitou-san. I feel it again, the steel against my neck… I don’t shiver this time as now it feels as hot as flame… but it’s shame that reddens my face, and not the heat from an imagined sword.
When he came home tonight, didn’t you spend your time worrying? Instead of offering him something to eat first, maybe you should’ve asked him where he’s been and why
That’s it. I saw Hajime, and put him first. But… the child needed me more. Hajime would wait for me, even if he slept first. Being his wife is more than being simply -his-.
Showing him nothing but kindness, allows him to deviate from the path of honor and is no different than when his mother abandoned him or tries to manipulate him today
Another comment that stings…. no, -hurts-.
“Thank you for telling me this. I see… how I’ve done him wrong, this house wrong… as well as you, and the promises we’ve made.” I look down, in my usual way, but force myself to look up at him and meet his eyes, evenly, steadily. “I’m… not going to make new promises tonight when the old ones are still unmet.”
I reach for my cane. “I’m going to go up and see Tsutomu-kun. You can speak with Yukiko-san tonight, or I will do so in the morning.” I touch his hand, briefly. “I need to see to this house, and I need you to rest.” I look around. “Keeping a house… is more than cooking and dusting. I have had it easy with Makoto – a child, who still forgives easily. And my brothers… well, they’re -very- different creatures. I have a lot to… adapt to, and quickly – I’ve wasted enough time already.” I open the door, and look at him again. “I’ll be back soon.” I tell him.
(Hide will leave unless stopped)
“Thank you for telling me this. I see… how I’ve done him wrong, this house wrong… as well as you, and the promises we’ve made.” “I’m… not going to make new promises tonight when the old ones are still unmet.”
I hold her eyes. The truth was I’m just as guilty as she was, letting this go on. Giving her hints maybe but not spelling it out for her, until it ate away at me. “I don’t need promises, just -try-.”
“I’m going to go up and see Tsutomu-kun. You can speak with Yukiko-san tonight, or I will do so in the morning.” I touch his hand, briefly. “I need to see to this house, and I need you to rest.”
“It doesn’t have to be long. Just let him know and I’ll speak with Yukiko.” She doesn’t have to do all the work, we just need to work together.
I have a lot to… adapt to, and quickly – I’ve wasted enough time already.” I open the door, and look at him again. “I’ll be back soon.”
It’s would be so easy to tell her, leave it till morning. Knowing she’s not fully recovered and she too needs rest but we’ve both wasted time and maybe wasted quite a bit of patience too. Just because she can’t move well, doesn’t mean she can’t do -this-, I remind myself. I simply nod and let her go.
(OOC: Saitou will have a post with Yukiko later. This thread ends. If they decide to meet before bed, that will be a new thread I guess.)