I stare out the window. I’m meaning to clean up after breakfast, while Ai-chan has her morning nap and the children are being escorted by Yukiko-san to school…
But I’m still rattled by my visitor from earlier in the week. Makoto really paid him no mind (she shows little interest in music), but Tsutomu-kun has been pleased all week, and is back to speaking of nothing but Aizu.
But this man, powerful and prestigious, came into my home and maligned me. Not in a cruel way, but, I let him leave with the impression that I was simply in -service- to the Fujita house. I smiled and bowed and stayed quiet, and, in the end, ran off.
And what if I had set him straight? This man who holds power over not just Hajime, but his sons? He’s Tsutomu-kun’s godfather; and the man who arranged Eiji-san’s entry into the military. If I had annoyed him by pointing out that it was because of dear Tokio that my children do not have a house, and that we cannot live outside of the shadows because she refuses to grant his freedom? Like Namuzawa-san, he would not appreciate having that great paragon maligned by some woman of low character. Even Hajime told me, I should not have said what I did to Namuzawa.
It’s not like these men of Aizu will be our allies, or even help in any way. They see Hajime fitting in one place, and anything that’s not what they arranged? An aberration, to be tolerated, at best. That’s what those powerful men are doing – tolerating me, and my place in Hajime’s life. Our daughters? Will they be merely tolerated as well?
I smile a little wryly, down at my hands that are red from the hot water. Concubines probably don’t do their own washing up. Or get annoyed that rain came on the day she intended to do laundry. I always imagined a -concubine- was a lady of leisure, tended by a flurry of servants, whose only labor was in ornamentation and, of course, on her back.
It says something, doesn’t it, that every person who comes into this world leaves me unsettled? Even those I love – my brothers – did nothing but sow doubt. I know this world is against us, but… it never seems to end. For every moment of triumph, I’m told that no, you are -wrong-, you will -never- be good enough, or -deserve- anything. How did that song go? <i>If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned</i>
Maybe I’m not strong at all.
I look down. I’ve been washing the same teacup for ten minutes. That doesn’t speak well of my “service”, now does that, for me to be shrugging off my work while I wallow in self-pity? Some samurai’s daughter I’ve turned out to be.
But I can’t stop staring at the rain. Is Hajime out in this same rain?
(OOC – Hide is home alone with just Ai-chan.)
Eiji:
I came in a horse drawn wagon bringing some ice. It took me a while I suppose to bring myself to come here but as I told him, I’d help if someone asked.
I tie the horse outside and knowing no one is going to open the gate for me, I open it myself. Hoisting a few blocks of ice, I grunt as I realize how heavy they are. But it should last for a couple of days maybe three. But if what he says is right then I’ll have to make a few trips up to next week.
Going by the back entrance I enter and immediately see Yagi-san cleaning up.
“Hello. I brought some ice.” I greet her. “It’s for Ai-chan.” Well I guess that’s obvious.
Hello. I brought some ice. It’s for Ai-chan.
I turn and see that it’s Eiji-san. “Oh, good morning. Thank you for coming out in this rain to bring ice.” I dry my hands, and show him the icebox that I’ve worked up, first taking out the bottle of milk that I pumped this morning. There was only a small piece left, as it had been a few days…
“Have you had breakfast? Or can I at least get you warm again with some tea?” I’ve always been glad to have him as part of the family. However, he’s not been around as much. “How have you been?”
I place the ice in the box. “Yes tea would be nice.”
Looking around, I wonder. “Is there anything you need help with while I’m here Yagi-san? He came to the Machiya last Friday and said he’ll be gone for a couple of weeks.” I look to the side. “Did he tell you where he was going?”
I start back up the hot water, and set out two clean teacups in preparation.
Is there anything you need help with while I’m here Yagi-san? He came to the Machiya last Friday and said he’ll be gone for a couple of weeks. Did he tell you where he was going?
“I can’t think of anything inside the house, but thank you for asking.” I look out at the garden, there’s some things there but not in this weather.
“As to where he’s going…” the water seems ready, so I stand and prepare the tea. I finish it, and set both cups on the table and sit down, indicating for him to join me. “It’s an old case that he’s been working on for years. He had to to see a contact, first…” I wonder at that strange look he had. And if Hajime stopped at the Machiya Friday, he left here Thursday…. where was he going with that bottle?
I realize that I’m lost in thought, and I look up at him. “We had a visitor, recently. Yamakawa-san stopped by.”
She doesn’t ask for my help but there’s probably not much needed not to run this house.
“As to where he’s going…” “It’s an old case that he’s been working on for years. He had to to see a contact, first…”
I take a sip of the tea but I can’t help but shake my head a little. “Are you sure it was an old case?” It may have been a cover. “Is he really in Kyoto?”
“We had a visitor, recently. Yamakawa-san stopped by.”
“Oh. He was the one who got me in the army, quite an influential man both in and out of Aizu because of his heroism in the Seinan war. He saved some high ranking official.”
“Oh,” I suddenly remember the plans I’d had rumbling around in my head. “I could use some help moving Ai-chan’s sleeping basket and stand – now that the weather is starting to turn I don’t want her by the window, so she can stay warm.” I grin a little, “but, for now, I’m not going to wake a sleeping baby.”
Are you sure it was an old case? Is he really in Kyoto?
“He mentioned the name of someone… it’s a case that stretches back. I think it’s related to the injury on his shoulder, and then, years later, the attack on us when Makoto-chan and I were living in Ito… and then his business this summer.” I sigh. “His contact is a woman he’s known for a long time. But is he going to Kyoto?” I shake my head. “He didn’t tell me where. Even when he was away this summer – it wasn’t until he made it home for an hour or so in June that I knew he was as close as he was, just in Yoshiwara.”
He talks about Yamakawa-san, and his past in the Seinan war. “I hadn’t heard that story, just that he was in that war. And he takes his duties to Aizu seriously…” I’m quiet for a moment as I take a sip of tea. “He thinks the reason I’m here is in -service- to the Fujita house, and through that, Aizu.” I look up. “I didn’t tell him that the only reason I’m not the wife of the house, or that our children don’t have their father’s name, is because of the current wife of the house refusing divorce and the recognition of Makoto-chan and Ai-chan.”
She tells me she does need help but don’t want to wake the baby. “I’ll be dropping by again in the next few days so I can do it then Yagi-san.”
“His contact is a woman he’s known for a long time. But is he going to Kyoto?” I shake my head. “He didn’t tell me where.
I nod. “That would explain -it- then. Probably. If only there was a way to know he was in fact in Kyoto.”
Yagi-san seems ambivalent towards Yamakawa-sama maybe even a little negative. “I only heard of the practices in Aizu but it seems it was quite normal to have… uhh women of service. It’s really more to keep the “house” intact, as you know the house rather than the individuals are the most important.”
She tells me of Tokio-san’s refusal for a divorce and in recognizing the children. “Hmm… But from what I know of the Aizu customs, even children from the outside is acknowledged by the legal wife if the head of the household, in this case Fujita-san… willed it.”
It must be that he or Yagi-san is refusing both, but they really should accept at least one.
(OOC – will reply tomorrow)
I’ll be dropping by again in the next few days so I can do it then Yagi-san
I smile at that. “Wonderful, thank you – I do appreciate you looking in on us.”
That would explain -it- then. Probably. If only there was a way to know he was in fact in Kyoto
“I never know where he’s been until he comes home – that I know what I do is because I badgered the poor man one night when he came home tired – but he seemed unsettled, and sometimes, talking helps.” I smile a little, “but I think he was just tired. It’s a case that’s taken longer than he would have wished – after all, how long has it been since he was ambushed?”
I only heard of the practices in Aizu but it seems it was quite normal to have… uhh women of service. It’s really more to keep the “house” intact, as you know the house rather than the individuals are the most important.
“It was common enough, among those who could afford two households, back in the Edo era,” I tell him. “Even Kondou-san, leader of the Shinsengumi, who was very happily married, kept a woman in Kyoto, since his wife was back home.” I think back… of course, to me he only spoke of his daughter, of whom he was so proud… the little girl he never got to see.
Hmm… But from what I know of the Aizu customs, even children from the outside is acknowledged by the legal wife if the head of the household, in this case Fujita-san… willed it.
“She put conditions on allowing the girls to be recognized by the house – conditions that were… untenable, even for the protection it would have offered for the girls,” I say, shaking my head. And then there’s the matter of her brother’s legal interests… which may mean that the safety of the Fujita name is only an illusion… I look down. “I thought at least we could get that. I can wait for him to be free. We know what we are to each other, but… it worries Hajime.” I smile a little, “that we live this shadow life, and that I’m still technically under my brother’s house.”
Eiji:
“I never know where he’s been until he comes home – that I know what I do is because I badgered the poor man one night when he came home tired – but he seemed unsettled, and sometimes, talking helps.” “but I think he was just tired.
I look at Yagi-san, she doesn’t know? Or maybe doesn’t want to know. Certainly I don’t need to tell her what kind of man came to my door mid-morning. “Yes I suppose he was just tired when he came.”
She tells me about the leader of the Shinsengumi, Kondou having two houses. I’d ask her how she felt about that but what would she tell me? That it’s okay? It’s -never- okay because it leads to ruin. I simply sip my tea.
“She put conditions on allowing the girls to be recognized by the house – conditions that were… untenable, even for the protection it would have offered for the girls,”
“Ah I see.” Although I can’t imagine what kind of conditions those are, I suppose the only thing that mattered was that both of them found it unacceptable.
I can wait for him to be free. We know what we are to each other, but… it worries Hajime.” I smile a little, “that we live this shadow life, and that I’m still technically under my brother’s house.”
I finish the tea. The rain has slowed down to a slight drizzle. “He’s not the type to take anything lightly.” Was all I could say to Yagi-san. But if she can still keep smiling, then maybe what he thinks doesn’t matter either. After all, that she’s happy is probably the only thing that matters.
Standing up, “I must be going then. I’ll come back in a few days. Thank you Yagi-san.”
(OOC: Eiji will exit unless there’s something else)
Yes I suppose he was just tired when he came
I sigh. “I wish he wouldn’t leave out so tired… I’m not certain how powerful this man he’s been tracking is, or if he’s just able to find the right people to do it for him.”
He’s not the type to take anything lightly
“I know that, Eiji-san.” I look at my hands, clutching the teacup. “Yamakawa-san’s visit will bother him… and, in not speaking up to defend our life, I’ve probably done wrong, made him think that I’m satisfied being -just- a mistress, -just- in “service”.” I stop for a minute, and take a breath that’s shakier than I would have thought it would be. “I do… I do want it all, I want it -right-, Eiji-san, but we can’t seem to find the path to it. I don’t expect life to come easily, but he tries so hard to make it right for us. For me.” I look away. I can’t tell him that Hajime keeps trying to speak of sending me away. The idea of it…
I stand up, and smile at him. “I’m sorry. You came here to do me a favor and I’m just unloading all on you…. when it’s you that I’ve been concerned about.” I touch his arm. “Please come by more – it seems like things between you and Hajime have been rough lately, but other than Ai-chan’s birth – there’s been a lot, these past few months.”
“Yamakawa-san’s visit will bother him… and, in not speaking up to defend our life, I’ve probably done wrong, made him think that I’m satisfied being -just- a mistress, -just- in “service”.”
“Well he’ll probably make it right at some point with Yamakawa-sama.” He should after all, unless he’s changed and gone back to his old ways. If so then there’s no saving him this time. He can sleep around and send Yagi-san away. For a moment I’m surprised at the irony of it all.
“I do… I do want it all, I want it -right-, Eiji-san, but we can’t seem to find the path to it. I don’t expect life to come easily, but he tries so hard to make it right for us. For me.”
“Maybe.” I shrug, “He probably doesn’t know the path either.” After all what did I see that night at the Kamiya dojo?Instead of fighting, he came with his tail tucked between his legs. My eyes narrow.
“Please come by more – it seems like things between you and Hajime have been rough lately
“Don’t worry Yagi-san, we’ve been fine. He’s wanted me to quit the job at the Akabeko and I did.” I proceed to go outside but then stop thinking I should at least leave a message for when Yukiko gets back. But what would I tell her?
“Have a good day Yagi-san.” I leave.
(OOC: Eiji exits)