It was a busy week but I’m finally heading to Aizu. The journey is long even on the train and even now I consider it a necessary evil – meeting with that estranged wife. I chose to ride on the coach part of the train where it’s cheap but the soot from the coal permeates ones clothing. I figured I’d save some money and smoke to my heart’s content.
It’s been so long that I convinced myself that I never loved Tokio. That I couldn’t love a woman like that in the wilderness, who beckoned me to draw near and yet made sure to keep me away. Who made me run after her or made me think what a horrible man I was when I didn’t do what she wanted, but how could I? I couldn’t read her mind, only her actions. I can’t even tell myself -today- that I had -hoped-, that I believed that through our problems and my continuous absences that I would have someone to go back to. But that didn’t happen it was either an empty house or locked one before and after I met Hide.
Self-flagellate? Hide told me I was. Was I? How can one self-flagellate if up to today there is still this raging anger that no one else can see? Hiko for all the nonsense he has put us through knew my weaknesses, although surely he has a roundabout way of going about it. Shame. He wanted me to feel shame. To be in those women’s shoes that I at the best of times used and at the worst of times abandoned. And yet he goes after Hide… the only one for whom I -tried- to be a respectable man. Or was I really? I take a long drag on my cigarette and watch as the signs of civilization fade away and the mountains come into view and I take a long searing drag of my cigarette…
Further than these mountains, deeper than those forest, whiter than pure snow I think of that barren land Gonohe. Everytime I’m in Aizu I can’t help but think of that place, where she and I once lived. I was happy. I thought to myself, I could live not the life of a Samurai but just like that of a commoner, a peddling merchant while she found fulfillment in teaching the displaced children of Aizu. I was always so proud of her, whatever she wasn’t able to do in the war, she displayed great tenacity, devotion and sincerity to the Aizu clan. Even at the expense of our future together or perhaps she just knew there was no future.
I had hoped that she’d be stronger but after the second famine she grew so weak, that Kurosawa took her in until her death. I can’t hate him after all he was the one who held the village of Sanohe intact. Its residents alive. Why he favored one adopted daughter over the other… But he helped her when I should’ve been the one to come running back to Gonohe. An abandoned woman, that’s what they said about her and I never looked back.
And yet here I am again… Drawn to the same lot of people I have tried to leave behind.
I knock on the gates of the Ueda residence.
“It’s you.”
“Hello Akane.”
“What are you doing here?” She opens the gate and I throw the cigarette butt to the ground.
“Some unfinished business with Tokio.” I shrug and let myself in. “Is Ojii-san inside?”
I can hear an audible sigh as she locks the gates.
“He’s inside.”
“It’s good that you keep him company. Your husband seems like a good man.”
“He is.” She stops, “Unlike you.”
“I know.” I say quietly. She’s more outspoken with me and in a way I’m glad. Someone -should- remember my former wife so vividly and with much fond regard., “Ah don’t worry. I won’t impose for too long.”
“Where is Yagi-san?” She asks.
I smile a little as she asks about Hide. She’s worried about her too isn’t she? That I’d abandon her too. “She’s taking care of our second child, Ai.”
“Oh. That’s good then.”
“Akane…” A feebly voice calls out. “It’s rude to interrogate a member of the family.”
In a lighter voice she answers him, “Oh you old man. I was just catching up with Fujita-san.”
“Come in! Come in! Tell me about Ai-chan. I’m so glad you came.” He coughs a little into his hand and clears his throat.
I look at the old man. He’s lost more weight and I am certain Akane is doing her best.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring anything.” I should’ve been more thoughtful. “But if there’s anything I can help with in the house…” I take out some money and hand it to Akane who at first looks at it. I’m almost certain she wanted to throw it to my face but I see from how tightly she held it, they maybe hard up these days.
“Not necessary! We live simply here Goro, just like the old days.”
“Thank you Ojii-san.”
“I’m so glad you came Goro.”
I’d tell him that’s the second time he said that but it’s rare that I feel that same warmth from people in that old barren place. I’m glad to be here.