Would I have loved her if I didn’t need anything? If my wife was not the inconsiderate or unattentive woman that she turned out to be? Would she have loved me if he was alive or came back? Her lover had a way of rising from the dead after all. But even if not him, if she had been married to someone who paid her -some- attention, like -him-?
Since then we’ve had many stories of prior lives, repeating people and lucid dreams and the story was the same, I was cast away by my wife and she lost her beloved in her youth.
I often wonder if Tokio was just a normal wife, who did just enough of what a dutiful wife should, or even if she was a -good- wife. If I had met Hide, would I have given her a second look and if she was with him, my best friend or a husband would she have met my gaze if I did? My mind says no, we would go our own ways and be content with what we have.
But my heart likes to think, we -might-. That one of us whether rightly or wrongly will take that first step. It’s hard for me to imagine she would, in my mind it would be me to take a chance, even if it made me a man dirty with women. I’d like to preserve her dignity but also believe that within us there was something more than being content because without the first step, our passion would never be found. I do believe that is one truth about us, that with neither of my wives and her of her young lover or husbands, would she have found the passion we had found with each other?
Funny in the end, no matter how much I tried to avoid giving it much importance because I thought it demeaned what we had and I believed any man can have “passion for his woman”. Passion really was the core of how we drew closer and created reasons why we’re together. Our children were created from that true passion, not the fake one I encountered bedding my then wife and led me to think passion was easily conjured as needed or desired. When I ask myself, could I love her if my wife was faithful or if Yaso was alive, my answer was I -could-, that something in me would pull me towards her to find out if that want or need was -real-, because it would be hard to settle for my wife or even for my first wife who taught me things about love, forgiveness and moving on. Important yes, because how could I recognize her if I didn’t learn those things. But would she accept me?
A long time ago, in another place with a story unfinished, I was a man who went after her but she was married to someone else, not a bad man. Not someone she loves but someone who she knew loved her and I couldn’t imagine her leaving him. He was alive, I pined for her, took my chance but such a loyal creature could not possibly respond to me I realized and I left that story unfinished. I can’t stand the thought of her rejecting me, so I left that flawed story -alone- to die forgotten. She had always been so careful, not to cause trouble to those she loves or cared for. I had illustrious thoughts that if I took the first step, that she would readily fall along with me but what I found as the moment of reckoning drew near, was she would be miserable by doing so. Going forwards for us to be together, I decided that those who loved her -had to be dead whether that was in our past, our Tokyo, in the City of Steel and Glass or even in London. A cruel story indeed, but I simply cannot take my chances on such a loyal creature. Love is selfish like that, some would say that’s not love just possessiveness. Maybe.
I liked it that my story was in fact I had a neglectful wife and that I was a man who in the end couldn’t reach her knowing both of our troubles. It gave me a reason to look for that which I found. It made things convenient though not easy. It made the near impossible to a possibility. I do ask myself repeatedly had it been different, would I still end up loving the woman I do today? My heart still says yes but my head says likely not. I’d just be as guilty as her in that old story where we stayed with our partners out of duty and loyalty. It’s a noble but sad truth of those deemed to be loyal creatures.
I love you in a place
Where there’s no space or time
I love you for my life
You’re a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone
And I was singing this song to you