It was a busy day yesterday as Hide and I prepared the rooms that Namuzawa and Tsuyoshi was staying in. I’m not sure but there was a bit of nervous energy eventhough she did her best to calmly make the preparations. Were there enough pillows? Were the beddings soft enough? Would they need slippers? More light? Where’s the best place for the futon?
By the time afternoon came, I’d had enough of it that I retreated to the side garden and just smoked. I too am feeling a little nervous. What would that man think once he saw us? Where we lived? -How- we lived? What would he bring back to Aizu? To Hieujiemon? To Morinosuke? To my wife? At least I know he doesn’t speak to Ueda-sama…
But more importantly, I want to know how Tsuyoshi is doing. Is he doing well? Adjusted well? And although I’d like the answer to be very positive, it doesn’t escape me that the more positive his experiences are in his new home, as a lone heir that I may not recognize my son anymore or perhaps he won’t -see- me the way he used to. I suppose this will always be a worry that I will have to carry as long as Tsuyoshi calls him father instead.
I take a longer drag on my cigarette, ruminating the same way as I did yesterday but I manage to pull myself out of it and be in the present. We’re here at the doctor’s, waiting for Hide’s turn. And I must speak to the doctor at some point privately.
“Are you holding up alright Hide?” I ask her. The doctor is taking a bit longer than I’d like but the couple before us looked to be a troublesome couple. They’re probably peppering that doctor with ridiculous questions.
Are you holding up alright Hide?
We’ve had a busy morning. Hajime certainly was… patient with me. I remember once, long ago, when I had to prepare for a lot of houseguests, but they settled themselves in – remembering how Serizawa-san claimed the best room, some settled in better than others. But I feel that there’s a lot riding on this visit. My primary concern for this visit was Tsutomu-kun, but that Hajime needs to see his other son and Makoto needs to meet her other brother… and I liked the young man. I hope that he’s still the same – January feels like it was very long ago.
I reach over and squeeze his hand. “It was a busy morning – thank you. And thank you for helping me make two sleeping places for Tsuyoshi-kun – I hope that Namuzawa-san will allow him to stay with Tsotomu-kun in his room, but…” I sigh. That man was so -rude- to us, back in Aizu. But Eiji-san said he’s a good man, and maybe he’ll at least have better manners as a guest? I can take whatever, but our home is our refuge for Hajime and the children.
It’s been a busy morning and the last patient was a handful. That husband is why we generally don’t allow husbands back in the delivery area – he’s young but attended a year of school in Germany and thinks that studying banking overseas (as well as his family’s money) granted him a medical degree as well. I’d find it touching if he seemed to have any concern about his wife – instead he seemed set on trying to both impress and bully me. I sigh.
I look at the next file on my desk. Ah, Yagi-san. That’s a different couple entirely. The man seems to be trying -not- to be rude – and his obvious care for Yagi-san is touching.
Although he’s not her husband. Her file was finally returned to us and she had written “unmarried”. But who am I to judge? She’s happy and healthy, and as a doctor, that’s my only concern.
Finishing my notes on the prior patient, I let my nurse know to let Yagi-san and “the wolf” know that I’m ready for them.
“It was a busy morning – thank you. And thank you for helping me make two sleeping places for Tsuyoshi-kun – I hope that Namuzawa-san will allow him to stay with Tsotomu-kun in his room, but…”
She sighs and I know she has her own worries about Namuzawa. He is a man of means and blows hot and cold. And although he has been a great help to Tokio and I in the past, it wasn’t obvious to me until the end what the purpose was of his altruism. But people are people and I’ve seen worst than him.
“It’s your home.” I remind her, “Just let them know what rooms they should be staying… And if you want I’ll be there.” She is the woman of the house and they are unrelated and not her elder in stature such that it would be rude of him to refuse what’s offered and decide on his own.
Finally the nurse calls for us and we’re led back into Kobayashi’s office. Although I don’t like how intimate he’s been with Hide, I can’t deny that, that intimacy is needed to do a thorough job. I just hope today is not one of those days but if he must, then he must. If Hide and I are going to have more children in the future, then I’d rather just have one doctor look at her.
“We’ve come just as you asked Doctor.” I tell him. “Please check what you must and then we have a question for you.” I bow slightly. If I can work with my enemies, of course I’m willing to work with this man as well… Well to an -extent-.
It’s your home. Just let them know what rooms they should be staying… And if you want I’ll be there.
I smile over at him. He understands, of course. “Thank you. I just want to make sure that the boys get quality time together without feeling ‘watched’ – I think Tsutomu-kun would be sensitive to that.”
We go back to the doctor’s office, and I take my seat, relieved that there will be no exam. It’s physically uncomfortable for me, and I know it makes Hajime uncomfortable in another way…
We’ve come just as you asked Doctor. Please check what you must and then we have a question for you.
“Yes, yes,” the doctor says, as I loosen my obi to allow him better access to the external things he needs to check. The baby’s heartbeat, and his measurements of my belly.
“Yagi-san, your baby is growing well. Now that you’re in the last part, the baby will start putting on more weight week by week until delivery. Continue to eat well, and if you have discomfort, the ginger tea that your grandmother would have recommended still is the best solution. And I want you to be active, but be mindful of fatigue. Have you had any swelling?”
He kneels to check my ankles, then inspects my hands. “Very good.” He scribbles a few notes in a folder and looks up. “If you have ankle swelling put your feet up; if it’s in your hands or face come to the clinic immediately.” I nod – I know what that’s a symptom of and know how serious it is.
“What questions do you have for me? If it’s regarding your delivery plans, Yagi-san, I’ve spoken with a member of the clinic’s board and they have agreed to your request to -not- be sedated, as you’ve done this before and the baby is well-positioned, and to have your husband here with you.”
“Thank you. I just want to make sure that the boys get quality time together without feeling ‘watched’ – I think Tsutomu-kun would be sensitive to that.”
“Hide please…” I try not to sigh, “My son needs to start acknowledging you more properly. I think I’ve finally -fixed this issue but I don’t want you walking on eggshells with him and if he shows you any disrespect, I need to know to put him back in his place.” I understand she would never want to be the bad step mother so she avoids upsetting my son, but more than that I want my son to understand -how- things are -today-.
In the doctor’s office she undresses for him again and I look to the left where I’ve placed my nippontou. I don’t particularly like watching this. But I listen carefully as he tells her our baby is doing well and that ginger tea is good for her. Do we have any in the house? And then being careful about fatigue and swelling. But then he speaks about sweeling in the hands or face…
I turn to look at him, “What precisely is the problem if the swelling is on the hands or face? Is that something requiring treatment immediately? And what do we do in the interim?”
“What questions do you have for me? If it’s regarding your delivery plans, Yagi-san, I’ve spoken with a member of the clinic’s board and they have agreed to your request to -not- be sedated, as you’ve done this before and the baby is well-positioned, and to have your husband here with you.”
I’m -surprised-. I didn’t quite expect that Hide has gone so far as to already request to not be sedated. In the hospital Tokio and I had our children, they had sedated her for Tsutomu and I assume the same for Tsuyoshi. Silence and then bouts of screaming and hysteria came afterwards, when I visited there.
“Doctor, back then they sedated someone I knew during her childbirth. I had always assumed it was because it was the -safest-. The government hospitals have the best doctors in the country after all.” If I wasn’t called away for so long on a mission, that’s where I would’ve taken Hide but she found this place instead. “You and I already spoke about Hide’s past.” I glance at Hide for a moment then back at the doctor, “Her labor didn’t go very well then. She almost lost her life.” I suppose there was no point in mincing words.
Hide please…
“Hajime, that’s not what I meant. I was wanting to give them space from Namuzawa-san – not me!” I smile. “You did a good job, the other morning… I think Tsutomu-kun understands what I am to you – even if me may not like it.” I shrug a little. “I just want them to be comfortable together.”
(Kobayashi)
As I examine Yagi-san I notice that The Wolf is watching me carefully. Doesn’t he know I’m a professional?
What precisely is the problem if the swelling is on the hands or face? Is that something requiring treatment immediately? And what do we do in the interim?
“It’s a condition called eclampsia, or toxemia. It’s uncommon, but serious. Yagi-san, you noted in your file that your mother never had this condition – that’s a risk, had it been so. Ankle swelling is common in pregnancy and not a concern unless there are other symptoms – headaches, light sensitivity – and swelling in the face and hands. Should it happen, you come here as soon as possible. As I said,” I say, looking at the man – his face is serious but there’s real worry there – “it’s uncommon, but given its severity we make patients aware of it.”
Doctor, back then they sedated someone I knew during her childbirth. I had always assumed it was because it was the -safest-. The government hospitals have the best doctors in the country after all.
I hold back a sigh. “Only in the past twenty years have we started sedating women in childbirth – before then, every Japanese woman did her best. But the newer generation of doctors like sedating because they don’t have to worry about a woman’s pain or discomfort during labor, and younger women feel it’s fashionable – apparently, the Queen of England was sedated.” I shake my head and hold up my horn. “They have some wonderful ideas in the West, and we should learn from them, but not adopt them blindly. It doesn’t decrease the risk, nor the distress. Some women wake up screaming as much as they would have during labor, along with other disturbed feelings.” And this new generation, settling in Tokyo, without old family bonds… it wasn’t that long ago that a woman would go back to her father’s home to give birth, to be surrounded by mothers and grandmothers, sisters and aunts, and us doctors were only needed for the worst cases.
You and I already spoke about Hide’s past. Her labor didn’t go very well then. She almost lost her life.
I look over at Yagi-san, and she looks down at her hands, clasping them very tightly. “Sir, both myself and our clinic hold ourselves to the highest standards of care. Our numbers are better than the government hospital.” We only try not blindly follow Western methods, but balance the best of both. It’s a battle that I have with the newer ones here, and even with some of the board, but the care of my patients is the most important.
This is different from my last patient! The Wolf lives up to his name.
“It’s a condition called eclampsia, or toxemia. It’s uncommon, but serious. Yagi-san, you noted in your file that your mother never had this condition – that’s a risk, had it been so. Ankle swelling is common in pregnancy and not a concern
Enclampsia… I see that’s why I had her eat chocolates that night. But Toxemia is new and I have to look into that. “Alright. I understand.” I light a cigarette, “Her ankle was a little swollen last week but I had taken her on a rather long walk.”
But the newer generation of doctors like sedating because they don’t have to worry about a woman’s pain or discomfort during labor, and younger women feel it’s fashionable – apparently, the Queen of England was sedated.
I groan a little at this. So it was for the Doctor’s comfort that they sedated Tokio back then?
It doesn’t decrease the risk, nor the distress. Some women wake up screaming as much as they would have during labor, along with other disturbed feelings.”
I nod in acknowledgment. Now I understand what happened back then with my wife. But that’s in the past and I can no longer do anything about that, but I can try to do this one right.
“If the woman was prone to hysteria or nervousness then you’re saying it’s advisable to be asleep but it may have consequences?” I look at Hide, “I know you said she was healthy and happy, that the child is in a good position. How do you assess Hide’s mental health today? “She’s been insisting that I be at her side and although of course I would -like- to be, what if I am not there? Or rather what if her support wasn’t there? Could she really go through with a natural birth or would you suggest to sedate her?”
It must be hard for her to stand there as I question her condition and mental capacity. Happiness is not the only factor to consider of course. I hope this doctor understands that and makes a proper diagnosis. I watch Hide from the corner of my eye and see her tightly clasping her hands. I didn’t want to remind her of that time.
“Sir, both myself and our clinic hold ourselves to the highest standards of care. Our numbers are better than the government hospital.”
“I mean no disrespect to you Sensei, but do you have information to back that up? If you can send me away with your information, I can collaborate it with our institution.” That should be easy to do for a Policeman like myself.
Alright. I understand.” I light a cigarette, “Her ankle was a little swollen last week but I had taken her on a rather long walk
I nod. “Short walks are better. Gardening, if you like it, Yagi-san. Light housework.” I glance over at the Wolf. “Sir, please, no smoking in my office.” It’s allowed in most other places here, and some of the other doctors smoke while they undertake exams! But my lungs aren’t what they once were.
He doesn’t seem to take my information about sedation well. But I wonder at men who chose this medical path who seem unable to deal with the reality of a woman’s experience?
If the woman was prone to hysteria or nervousness then you’re saying it’s advisable to be asleep but it may have consequences?
“Perhaps for a first-time mother, or one who had a prior traumatic childbirth,” I answer. “And again, some women prefer it – some because it’s seen as fashionable and modern, others because they’re scared of the experience.”
“I’m not afraid, doctor,” Yagi-san says, finally speaking.
I know you said she was healthy and happy, that the child is in a good position. How do you assess Hide’s mental health today?
I keep my eyes down. Was this… can’t he tell? I know he wasn’t there… but can’t he tell that I’m in a -good- place? I have the support of the man I love, the father of my children.
But the doctor answers. “I’ve read the report of Yagi-san’s prior childbirth. She seems like an entirely different person – and her physical health is ideal, even for a younger woman. Mentally… I see nothing which concerns me.”
She’s been insisting that I be at her side and although of course I would -like- to be, what if I am not there? Or rather what if her support wasn’t there? Could she really go through with a natural birth or would you suggest to sedate her?
“Madame, do you have a mother, or sisters?”
“No, I answer,” quietly. “My mother passed years ago, and I’ve only brothers. My sister-in-law is busy with her four children in Kyoto. My… husband’s niece is staying with us, but I was relying on her keeping an eye on the children and household.”
“Well, sir, then it would be the same for our other mothers, whose husbands are not with them. She would be supported by our nurses, as well as our midwives. We also train nurses here in conjunction with one of the women’s colleges, and they are here as support as well.” I guess… it’s better than nothing. Perhaps they’ll be kind women, and not like the one back in Ito.
I mean no disrespect to you Sensei, but do you have information to back that up? If you can send me away with your information, I can collaborate it with our institution
He shakes his head. “‘Public Health’ is still a new concept, so there is little official reporting, and it’s all word between doctors. We are a smaller clinic – they deliver in a day what we deliver in a week or two. But I do know that they lose a mother once a week or so, and we…” he looks up, and the expression on his face changes. “We’ve sadly had two this year.”
I look over at Hajime, and then back at my hands. Of course he would doubt me, after the last time. My decisions nearly led me to my death, after all.
“Sir, please, no smoking in my office.”
I did say I will learn how to work with this man… I open a window and throw the cigarette outside. “Suma na.” I say.
“Perhaps for a first-time mother, or one who had a prior traumatic childbirth,” I answer. “And again, some women prefer it – some because it’s seen as fashionable and modern, others because they’re scared of the experience.”
I can’t help but look at Hide again. I know what she told me of that long labor lasting through the day and night and morning. That everything was forgiven when she saw Makoto. Wouldn’t that qualify as a traumatic childbirth? But again the doctor is insisting he sees nothing of concern and goes on to ask about her other support.
“No, I answer,” quietly. “My mother passed years ago, and I’ve only brothers. My sister-in-law is busy with her four children in Kyoto. My… husband’s niece is staying with us, but I was relying on her keeping an eye on the children and household.”
Of course I -knew- that she’d have no support. And of course I noticed she called me her husband. If only it were true… And so the doctor tells me that there will be others to be by her side but he might as well told me, they were all strangers.
We are a smaller clinic – they deliver in a day what we deliver in a week or two. But I do know that they lose a mother once a week or so, and we…” “We’ve sadly had two this year.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” That I say sincerely to the man. But he didn’t give me any proof, but there’s more than one way to check if what he said is true about our Nation’s hospital institutions. I go to my nippontou and place it back into my belt. “Thank you for your time doctor. I’ll be sure to bring her back next week.”
I would’ve taken her out of this hospital but there’s no sense in changing everything right now.
“Hide, let’s go.” I stand by her and notice she’s staring once again at those hands. We didn’t get a carriage. Maybe we can stop by some shop to get her some refreshments and help her feet as we walk back home. I had planned to speak to the doctor privately but I guess it can’t be helped that it came out here in front of her.
Hajime still doesn’t seem satisfied. I thought I had done well, finding this doctor, this clinic – Kobayashi-sensei came recommended by other mothers who waited by the school gates, specifically for “older” mothers.
Hide, let’s go.
I repair my clothing, and quietly follow him out of the clinic and down the street. I can tell he’s upset, but neither the doctor nor myself seem to be able to reassure him. I know he sees Yaso, and her ordeal. And the “someone” he spoke of was Tokio. I’m surprised that she’d consent to sleep, but perhaps her family is gone too and the new way was the only way.
She’s quiet as we walk back. Is she upset that I challenged her doctor? I’m just concerned that he seems to be following what she wants. They’ve obviously spoken before and she’s already made up her mind.
“I’ll be there.” I tell her finally. “Don’t be upset.”
Whatever happens, I’ll be there. I’ve finally made up my mind. I can’t take her out of that hospital this late in her pregnancy and she seems tied to this doctor.
“It wouldn’t make sense to put you to sleep. It sounded like even if he did, there’d be repercussions on doing that.” I light a cigarette. “Tokio was put to sleep and her “disposition” only got worst afterwards so if you want to be awake, I’ll be there.” Of course I don’t tell Hide this disposition was Tokio’s unpredictable moods and at times hysteria.
I’ll be there. Don’t be upset.
“But are you comfortable with it? Hajime…” I sigh as we walk along. “I know this isn’t just about me, what I want. It’s about our family. This is about our child, about you.”
“If I really thought going to sleep was the best, I wouldn’t object. Truly. Again, this is about our family. I can’t put myself in danger.” I reach for his free hand, since the other is now engaged with his cigarette. “I’m needed here. I didn’t come back just to die, after all. And seeing your freshest scars – neither did you.”
Tokio was put to sleep and her “disposition” only got worst afterwards so if you want to be awake, I’ll be there.
“My mother told me once… that women are remarkable. Our bodies forget the pain, after, because if they didn’t, we would only have one child.” I remember being so scared, at eight, seeing Tamebo’s birth… while she had a hard time carrying a pregnancy, her births were easy, at least. “However, a man -never- forgets, a warrior… because an they see being injured as the result of being careless, making the wrong move, not blocking… they remember.” I let go of his hand to touch his shoulder, which still bears the worst of his scars, then take his hand back. “I’m not taking this lightly – not after last time. But I have to get you to where you are… I know you’ll worry.” I smile softly. “It’s the curse of loving. Worrying. But at least get it to where it don’t consume you.”
“After all, even if you aren’t in the room, we’re together. And we’re building this family.” I look up at him. “I will be -honest- with you how I’m feeling, even if I may want to be discrete about some aspects, like… gas. But were it something where I felt unwell… Hajime, I won’t hide it from you, or, if you’re working, Yukiko-san.”
I know this isn’t just about me, what I want. It’s about our family. This is about our child, about you.” “I’m needed here. I didn’t come back just to die, after all. And seeing your freshest scars – neither did you.”
“But this -is- about you Hide.” I answer back as we walk. “Without you, none of this would happen. This world.” Even the me that stands here today. I’d finally let it disappear.
She talks about our differences, her being a woman and I being a warrior.
But I have to get you to where you are… I know you’ll worry.” I smile softly. “It’s the curse of loving. Worrying. But at least get it to where it don’t consume you.”
She touches my shoulder and we stop for a moment in the middle of the road. “It does consume me. I remember how I didn’t do it right for Yaso or even Tokio. I want to this time. Not make a mistake.”
“I will be -honest- with you how I’m feeling,
“I know you will try to be.” We walk again and I smoke, “But everyone likes to believe they know themselves best but the truth are parts to us that we are blind to. Whether because we want to believe in something so much or we don’t want to believe. There should always be a healthy sense of disbelief.”
“I’ll be making one last check with the government hospital, just to see what Kobayashi told us is true. Unless something drastic comes out of that, you will have our child and I will be with you.” After all eventhough I thought I could leave her in Eiji or Yukiko’s care, I found out today I really could not. Nor did I want to.
(OOC: You may close and i’ll just start a new thread for Namuzawa)
But this -is- about you Hide. Without you, none of this would happen. This world
“It takes both of us,” I say, softly. After all, in all of those years I didn’t come here. What would be it be without him? Nothing.
It does consume me. I remember how I didn’t do it right for Yaso or even Tokio. I want to this time. Not make a mistake.
I’m certain that with Tokio he did the best he could with the knowledge he had. “You’re taking very good care of me. Those eggs…” I smile. “And just being here. As my support, my love…” I squeeze his hand. Even if for some reason work wrenches him away, it won’t be like last time. I’ll have more than I did that lonely December in Ito.
He speaks of being truthful, and I know, being a hopeful creature, that I can be too much of an optimist. But maybe that’s because last time, even in the darkness… I found a treasure.
Unless something drastic comes out of that, you will have our child and I will be with you.
I lean in a little closer to him as we walk. “Thank you.” I know that again, work comes first. But maybe this will work out. But we still need a name should it be a girl…
(OOC – Close)