It’s so late…
Hajime, I’m -used- to him being out this late, but Tsutomu-kun?
I sit up in the tatami room, with the screens open to catch the fresh summer air as I settle down with another cup of tea which will probably remain undrunk, much like the last three I’ve made. I shouldn’t be so wasteful…
So to keep my hands busy, and hope that my mind goes along with it, I work on baby things. It’s all so fiddly that it requires concentration to get it right – I don’t want any rough seams or unfinished edges rubbing the soft skin of our child, after all.
I wish we had a clock. But telling from what I can see outside, it must be getting close to midnight. Is he at the dojo? Did Hajime follow? Was… there a fight?
(OOC: Hide is up in the tatami room, and with the screens open can see anyone coming or going)
We trek up the road and it’s still a bit of a hike from the house. I shift my son a bit and try to balance him and his bag at the same time.
He’s been in and out and a part of me is disappointed in how things turned out. The man who probably had him drink was the behemoth as I’ve not seen the diminuative Rurouni drink since our reunion. I wanted to share that first with my son. Not -him-.
If only my son and I can stand to be in the same place without harsh words or hard looks. But that’s our story it seems? The closest I’ve been to him in years is tonight. Him on my back, his arms embracing me like he used to back then, when no one was looking or when his brother was off my lap. He’d come from behind embrace me and slide his little hand into my pocket looking for his favorite “the sticky brown stuff”. I blink. Nowhere in my memories of those times is their mother. I’ve completely blotted her out. No wonder he hates me.
“He…” He stirs, “He was never in the castle. He didn’t cut her hair.”
I don’t say anything to the ramblings of a child.
“He didn’t…” He mumbles, “Sada was mother’s… Why didn’t he know?”
Because she wasn’t the one. Never was.
“She left the house looking for him…” he burps, “but she wasn’t really. She ran away” He slams his fist on my shoulder. “But he was too busy with his whore to notice.”
I stop abruptly, intending to put him down and in his -place-. But I see, his eyes are still closed. I heave a sigh and make the final turn to our house and I see the light is on.
“They never wanted us.” He hiccups. “He didn’t. She didn’t. No one loved us.”
“That’s not true Tomu.” I finally answer him, “Your mother loves you.”
I put him down for a minute opening the gates and locking it right back once we get inside. I stare at him, seeing the beads of sweat forming on his forehead. I touch it and see he’s become warm.
You were a much wanted child and I love you.
I hoist him up again. “Prove it.” He mutters.
One day.
Of course he replies about his mother. Composing myself I head straight for the engawa and enter the tatami room.
“Sorry we’re late.” I tell Hide, placing the bag down.
They finally arrive… and Hajime is carrying Tsutomu?
As they make into the tatami room, I can see… no, -smell- why. The boy’s drunk! I come closer, touching first Hajime’s face, to welcome him, and then his son’s. He’s sweaty. Ah…
“Maaa…” I say. I go and pull out the futon we keep in here. “Let’s get him comfortable on that.” I smile ruefully, the last time it was used was when Hajime came home in a similar state.
“Liquids… water now, tea later.” I get up. “I’ll also need to get something to keep him cool, and a bucket in case he’s sick.” I head for the kitchen,
She welcomes us and touches my face and then looks over Tsutomu.
“He overdid it.” I tell her as she goes and pull the futon and I place Tsutomu there and place a small pillow under his head.
“Liquids… water now, tea later.” “I’ll also need to get something to keep him cool, and a bucket in case he’s sick.”
“He’s out of it. He’ll probably sleep through it.” I touch his forehead again. It’s warm but not too hot. It can go either way.
“I’ll carry the bucket.” I say and follow her in the kitchen. I need some coffee so I go look through the cupboards for it.
“It’s quite late for you.” I tell her, “I can watch him tonight.”
He overdid it
That seems to be an understatement… has he ever even had drink before? I frown. “Who did he drink with? Certainly not at work – Eiji-san wouldn’t permit it.” I fill the kettle and start it to boil. “So he went to the dojo. The Battosai doesn’t seem to be a drinker, so I guess it’s the other one?” He did drink during the day. I look over Hajime – he looks tired, but that’s the worst that shows. “And I’m guessing there was no fight?”
I get out two buckets. The larger of the two I keep empty, the more shallow one gets some cool water, into which I place some soft kitchen towels, to help cool him and to clean him up when it becomes messy.
With the water ready, I make the tea – enough for me, too, and then coffee. I also grab a bento I set back in the kitchen, with zaru soba and some of tonight’s fish, and set that and the drinks on a tray. I have a box set aside for Tsutomu-kun as well but he’s not in shape to eat…
It’s quite late for you.” I tell her, “I can watch him tonight
I smile. “I know I’m not his mother… but it’s a mother’s way, to watch over a child she loves.” I step on tip-toes and kiss Hajime’s cheek. “I can get comfortable on the couch and help you keep watch – or if you think you need to be alone with him when he wakes up, I can retreat then.”
The Battosai doesn’t seem to be a drinker, so I guess it’s the other one?”
I shrug, “Likely.”
“And I’m guessing there was no fight?”
“Why’d you think there’d be a fight?” I look at her curious which one she was alluding to.
I take the buckets she puts out and move them to the tatami room. She comes back with food, coffee and tea and kisses me.
“I can get comfortable on the couch and help you keep watch – or if you think you need to be alone with him when he wakes up, I can retreat then.”
“You can stay. I’ll probably leave before he wakes up.” I don’t add that I’m the last person he wants to see and I wonder how much he’ll remember about our walk back to here. “You have your list right? I’ll get that done early. It’s only a couple of days before Namuzawa arrives.”
I start on the zaru soba without being told. I haven’t eaten and I suppose I needed some food in me.
“Tch… You’d think the Tanuki at least would have some sense of not letting a boy drink. She’s about as useless as that Battousai.” I look at my son again, “He’s in no condition to go to school tomorrow.”
Why’d you think there’d be a fight?
I shake my head. “That man in the cape is unpredictable. He seemed to have an interest in Tsutomu-kun, so…” I turn back down the stove, because tonight will probably involve more drinks.
Back in the tatami room, with the buckets where they should be, I kneel down next to Tsutomu-kun and wipe his brow of the sweat and he winces a little at the touch of the cool towel, and moves his face away, but his breathing is good.
And good, he’s eating.
You can stay. I’ll probably leave before he wakes up
“That early?” I leave the cloth on his forehead and he mumbles something about hair that I don’t quite catch. “Although if he gets sick he may well wake up for that.”
He asks about the list, “I have that ready – I’ll have to go get it from the bedroom.” I get up.
Tch… You’d think the Tanuki at least would have some sense of not letting a boy drink. She’s about as useless as that Battousai. He’s in no condition to go to school tomorrow
“She was there and allowed this?” I ask, suddenly annoyed at her – letting a boy drink? And drink to insensibility?” Hajime mentions school and I nod. “I’ll leave a note for Yukiko-san to take to school when she walks Makoto.”
I pause at the door of the tatami room. “Did you hear anything that happened?”
“That man in the cape is unpredictable. He seemed to have an interest in Tsutomu-kun, so…”
“You thought I’d fight him.” I give her a look, certainly if Tsutomu was in danger I would.
“That early?”
She seems to disapprove of my leaving. Perhaps she senses I don’t really know how to handle this with my son? A part of me wants to reprimand him strongly but another does not want to put another reason for us to drift apart. I suppose the latter is what’s winning, so I’d rather leave.
“She was there and allowed this?”
“The Battousai had the boy first, she came later to give him to me.” Finished with the meal I light a cigarette, “She probably didn’t want me to meet with the Battousai.”
“Did you hear anything that happened?”
“I didn’t go near the dojo. I waited outside.” Of course I know most of the story already, I just didn’t know about the behemoth’s part in it. “He told Tomu, he knew his mother’s real name before being appointed to the court. Her name was Sada -apparently-.” I shrug and drag on my cigarette.
I watch her leave to get the list for tomorrow.
You thought I’d fight him.
I shake my head. “I thought he would go after you. To… show off or something.” I shake my head. “Not understanding his motivations, why he’s suddenly here, I can only fill my head with half-baked -supposings- that are probably incorrect.”
He doesn’t say anything about my asking about how early he’s leaving. “He’s going to wake up in the morning and … who knows what he’ll remember. Or what he’ll have digested, understood, after all that drinking. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but… would it be for the best to let those half-remembered tales spun by the caped man fester?” I smile a little. “He holds onto an idea, and next week, with Namuzawa-san and Tsuyoshi-kun here, you won’t have time to talk.” I look up at him. “And I understand how hard it is to find time to talk around here these days.”
She probably didn’t want me to meet with the Battousai.
That matches up with what she was trying to talk to me about, that morning at our home.
He told Tomu, he knew his mother’s real name before being appointed to the court. Her name was Sada -apparently-.
She never told him her name? Thankfully, my family wasn’t -grand- enough to have name changes… I think about this as I go and get the list, and while I’m our bedroom, I grab some more blankets and a pillow for Tsutomu-kun. And from one of my locked cabinets, a little sachet of powder, from another place.
I return, settling a light blanket over Tsutomu-kun, and sit next to Hajime, resting my head on his shoulder. “You do good with him. I know you doubt yourself, but -I- can see how much you’re trying, even if he can’t.” I take his hand.
“I thought he would go after you. To… show off or something.” I shake my head. “Not understanding his motivations, why he’s suddenly here, I can only fill my head with half-baked -supposings- that are probably incorrect.”
“He might’ve showed off, had you been there.” I think back to what the behemoth told me, that I am of no consequence.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, but… would it be for the best to let those half-remembered tales spun by the caped man fester?” “He holds onto an idea, and next week, with Namuzawa-san and Tsuyoshi-kun here, you won’t have time to talk.”
“So you want me to speak to him?” I look at her. “But what am I…” Will my son ask? What if he doesn’t. Do I tell? Dragging on my cigarette i think for a long minute. “If he asks I will answer.”
She leaves but comes back with a few things and sits beside me.
“You do good with him. I know you doubt yourself, but -I- can see how much you’re trying, even if he can’t.”
“You think so? I didn’t even know that name of his mother. -That- man knew.” Of course it’s very possible Tokio didn’t want anyone to know of her origins, she was no farmers daughter but her family wasn’t such a high rank samurai. Her family and Yaso’s were receiving the same 400 koku stipend.
“That boy thought his mother was going out to look for me. I suppose that was the time she kept leaving our boys at the neighbors.” Taking a puff I let the smoke leave a trail above my head. “Now he thinks his mother was just wanting to get away and that I was too busy with you to notice.”
Of course I don’t tell her the despicable words my son said.
“I don’t know what that man told him, but he now thinks his mother and I didn’t want him nor his brother.” My eyes turn hard. “What can I say to that Hide? That his mother was selfish? And so was I?”
So you want me to speak to him? But what am I… If he asks I will answer
“Or at least be open to speaking to him,” I sigh. “he’s obviously a brooding sort, like you,” my hand goes up to cradle his face. “Maybe one day he’ll find a sweet, charming woman who can pull him out of some of it, like you were lucky enough to.”
“But does your son even know all of your names? Hajime Hajime Jiro Ichinose Goro,” I count off. “and others – what was your father’s nickname for you? Your brother’s? I think in the absence of knowing about you, what he’s learned from others – not just his mother, but her family, friends… he sees the Shinsengumi as thugs, murderers, simply out for the kill with no honor, who left Aizu at their hour of need. Having never heard your story, your side, he’s only left to think the worst from someone who had her own perspective. It’s -her- truth, but he needs to know yours.” I squeeze his hand. “That when you were gone, it wasn’t just to -play- with me, but how long were you away from home fighting Shishio? Does he know of that? Or all of the mess from the Enishi business? Or the case you’re on now, that you’ve been pursuing for -years-?”
Softly, I say, “tell him. Tell him why you picked up your sword. Why you still carry it, no matter how close you’ve been to death. Not to aggrandize yourself – that’s not the sort of man you are – but so he knows what drives you, even when that drive takes you away from those you love.” I kiss his hand. “He’s a child of this new era, who knows peace. It’s going to be hard for him to understand the blood, the burning, of that time that shaped you. After all, you weren’t much older than he is now when you came to Kyoto – just four, five years?” And perhaps that’s why Eiji-san seems to allow Hajime so much grace. Eiji-san, sadly, knows the fire and blood and loss. His Meiji childhood wasn’t the safe one that Tsutomu-kun knows.
I don’t know what that man told him, but he now thinks his mother and I didn’t want him nor his brother. What can I say to that Hide? That his mother was selfish? And so was I?
His eyes… oh, those eyes.
“You know, I’ve been over it in my head, many times, of what questions I’ll have to answer for Makoto one day. I’ve tried; we’ve had some conversations, and we’re going to have more, I know, for she’s like you in another way.” I smile, “relentless.”
“I’ll tell her… that our lives can be complicated. That adults will stumble, no matter their intentions, and that sometimes children are caught up in that, no matter how much it’s attempted to protect them. You didn’t love Makoto any less, no matter how much we quarreled. Or when you forgot us. It was always there. ”
“But with you and her, there was at least… a time of good intentions, and that’s… something that cannot just be discounted, even if it wasn’t enough to build a marriage on. And out of that came the boys. And you always loved them.” Softly, I remember something long past… “how you were that time, after that visit with Namuzawa-san, after he refused your repayment of debt, in order to get Tsuyoshi-kun back… that wasn’t a wound of pride, of a man saving his house simply for -face-. That was a father at a lowest moment, much like your son’s letters to Eiji-kun when Tsuyoshi-kun first left. One that can only happen because of love, that great pain.”
“He needs to know you’re here -now-. And from now on, if he wants it. You can’t make up for the past – none of us can. We can continue to self-castigate until we’re dead, or… find a way to rebuild. -Maybe- he’ll never forgive, or find peace with it, but… for the sake of him, for Tsuyoshi-kun, for Makoto, for this one and the ones I plan to have after… you have to keep trying.”
I reach over, and refresh the towel on Tsutomu-kun, who seems to be asleep, snoring a bit. At least he stopped sweating… the back of my hand rests on his cheek, he’s also cooled off. Good.
I’d tell her I do not brood but that would be a lie. I do when it comes to this.
“Maybe one day he’ll find a sweet, charming woman who can pull him out of some of it, like you were lucky enough to.”
I smile a little at that. I was lucky, even through all that I found her. “Hopefully he doesn’t take more than three decades like I did.”
Having never heard your story, your side, he’s only left to think the worst from someone who had her own perspective. It’s -her- truth, but he needs to know yours.”
“I was resigned to letting whatever stories that came out be.” I sigh a little and ash my cigarette, “The living is more important than the dead and they were all gone. I wanted to protect the small living that was left even at the expense of my friends and my first wife.” I look at Hide and suddenly feel a sense of clarity, when earlier all I had were cobwebs. The life I had always wanted to live was one of sincerity, but that was lost when I agreed to come to Tokyo for the clan’s sake. I was wrong for accepting the ruse and letting the ruse continue as long as it did.
Tell him why you picked up your sword. Why you still carry it, no matter how close you’ve been to death. “He’s a child of this new era, who knows peace. It’s going to be hard for him to understand the blood, the burning, of that time that shaped you.
“That will take a long time Hide. But it is my justice and he deserves to know.” I look at her and consider whether to ask her to stay or if I should ask her to leave later. She stares back at me as if looking deeply in my soul and I’m tempted to look away but I hold her gaze. What does she see? A strong man or a weak one? A man who can hold on to his beliefs? Or one who cannot defend it, nor her when the time comes?
“You know, I’ve been over it in my head, many times, of what questions I’ll have to answer for Makoto one day. I’ve tried; we’ve had some conversations, and we’re going to have more, I know, for she’s like you in another way.”
I listen as she tells me of her worries with Makoto. How she’s been trying to explain and negotiate the mistakes of our past with our daughter. I put out the cigarette and hold her hand. “You shouldn’t carry that burden alone. It took the both of us to make those mistakes…” I look at her, “I never thought that being with you was a mistake – even if.” I look back at my son, “he or others we know may think so or even when my actions said otherwise.” My heart belonged to her whether I willed it or not.
a time of good intentions, and that’s… something that cannot just be discounted, even if it wasn’t enough to build a marriage on. And out of that came the boys. And you always loved them.”
“Good intentions huh?” Can I truly tell my son this? Portions of my past that only Hide knows a portion of. “How would you answer if he were to ask, if I loved his mother? or perhaps if he asked, if I hated her?”
“He needs to know you’re here -now-. And from now on, if he wants it. find a way to rebuild. -Maybe- he’ll never forgive, or find peace with it, but… for the sake of him, for Tsuyoshi-kun, for Makoto, for this one and the ones I plan to have after… you have to keep trying.”
I blink, surprised. I thought this was only for his sake. I never thought it would affect the rest of the children and our future ones. I reach out and touch her face. “You’re a hard bargain Hide. I will -try-.” It will be long and it may not end up as we hope. We may not like what he says but my way didn’t work, so today we will try hers.
“If you can, stay here when he wakes up. It maybe difficult to hear but I want you to also know my answers to him…” I pause and look at her seriously- I know I should’ve done this a long time ago, “And him to know who you are to me.”
She goes and checks up on him. While I reach down and place his bag on the low table. If he’s not going to school tomorrow, we should get his things aired out and in order.
I was resigned to letting whatever stories that came out be. The living is more important than the dead and they were all gone. I wanted to protect the small living that was left even at the expense of my friends and my first wife.
After he says this, something changes in his eyes, his expression.
“Living and dead have a place in our lives,” I say, softly. “We have to know where we come from, and in not knowing, of course he heard another story and took that as the truth. That’s why… while you were gone he told Yukiko-san that you were a murderer.” I clutch his hand. “Which upset Yukiko-san. She said that her father felt that the burden of keeping Japan’s peace shouldn’t fall to a few, but I think he, as well as she, and then onto Tsutomu-kun, know how fragile this peace is, and how -few- have the will to truly fight for it.” I shake my head. “It’s hard to understand, I know, for these young ones, and maybe there’s no need for Yukiko-san to. But your son … must know, so he can try.”
“I tell Makoto the stories, you know. It’s her name, it’s the past not of her lifetime but it shapes why she’s here just as if it was. To her they’re real people, not just men who kept hahaue and her city safe, but who were hahaue’s friends, who played pranks on each other and pestered hahaue for food. Maybe he won’t listen at first… he’s heard another story his entire life. But… he has an interest. From my stories, Makoto apparently told him about Hijikata-san’s poetry, and wants to hear more, but the only one I know well is his death poem.”
That will take a long time Hide. But it is my justice and he deserves to know
“Yes, he does. As your son, and your heir to the Fujita house. Not just the hero stories that enthrall a child, but of it all.”
Good intentions huh? How would you answer if he were to ask, if I loved his mother? or perhaps if he asked, if I hated her?
“That’s where I would say, that an -arranged- marriage can only start out with good intentions. The point isn’t to necessarily find love, but to join families and start a new one.” I grin a little. “Love matches are uncommon, but it seems like sometimes arranged marriages have the burden of expectations for a great love – when what most people find is something like… contentment. But not everyone. Some people muddle along, others clash and break. Some people can accept not finding fulfillment with one’s spouse, others… needs more. It’s nothing about hate. It can be as simple, and as sad, as two people finding out that they’re incompatible, despite intentions, and despite sharing in one love – for their children.”
You’re a hard bargain Hide. I will -try-.
I smile as he touches my face. “Loving can be -hard-. We know that. But we always owe it to those we love to try.” I kiss his forehead, and realize all of the talking has made me thirsty, and I drink my now-cool tea. It’s still refreshing.”
If you can, stay here when he wakes up. It maybe difficult to hear but I want you to also know my answers to him… And him to know who you are to me
His serious expression… and yes, for his son to understand some of the whys of his father, I’m a part of that as well. “Of course. I’ll need to speak to Yukiko-san in the morning, to let her know that he’s home, safe, but sick, and then she needs to take a note into the school to explain his absence. ” Then I think of something, and smile. “Ah, did you know? Eiji-san has been joining in on the walk to school lately.”
I reach into the bag, and first find a crumpled, discarded shirt that, judging by the beefy smell, was worn at the Akebeko. Ugh… boys… although he’s a well-raised young man who doesn’t seem to -enjoy- smelling bad like some certain brothers of mine seemed to.
Then a book slides out onto the low table as I remove the shirt.
“The Kama…” I stop. Is it one of -those- books?
“Living and dead have a place in our lives,” “We have to know where we come from
Of course that was one of the things that drew me to her. An old conversation about old friends whom in the wilderness I tried to forget for the sake of my wife who cowered at the thought of my past and yet allowed Souji into her home but paid my lone visitor hardly any attention… While giving a complete stranger her complete trust.
while you were gone he told Yukiko-san that you were a murderer.”
She clutches my hand but I shake my head, “It’s something he accused me of before. It is nothing new.”
Which upset Yukiko-san. She said that her father felt that the burden of keeping Japan’s peace shouldn’t fall to a few, but I think he, as well as she, and then onto Tsutomu-kun, know how fragile this peace is, and how -few- have the will to truly fight for it.”
I smile a little at the mention of Hiroaki. “I didn’t know that my brother shared his feelings with her. We would always fight about it but in the end he let me do as I please even if he had to carry the burden of worry.” In a way I was glad someone did worry about me in those days. I couldn’t say the same for my wife. She was unreadable and so fragile that I had to close my eyes to what’s happening to her.
“I tell Makoto the stories, you know. It’s her name, it’s the past not of her lifetime but it shapes why she’s here just as if it was. To her they’re real people, not just men who kept hahaue and her city safe, but who were hahaue’s friends,
“After the baby comes, I’ll have to go to Aizu, then we should go to Kyoto. Finally show Makoto what it’s really like.” I have to try again in Aizu at least for the children. They need to be registered in my family register. They need to be recognized.
From my stories, Makoto apparently told him about Hijikata-san’s poetry, and wants to hear more, but the only one I know well is his death poem.”
“He’s probably just wanting to see if we were in fact uncouth. And with the poems in that black book Hijikata-san kept…” I groan.
“That’s where I would say, that an -arranged- marriage can only start out with good intentions. The point isn’t to necessarily find love, but to join families and start a new one.” I grin a little. “Love matches are uncommon, but it seems like sometimes arranged marriages have the burden of expectations for a great love – when what most people find is something like… contentment.
I start on a cigarette as I listen. This talk of arrange marriages of course is something I knew well. She’s not been subject to it. But although she describes a clean version of it’s difficulties, that is what it is… A “cleaned up” version. There is a part of me that is saying that won’t be enough. For a moment I remember an old musing of mine about “contentment”, how if it was possible if my wife was even slightly attentive – how contentment may have been enough.
Some people can accept not finding fulfillment with one’s spouse, others… needs more. It’s nothing about hate. It can be as simple, and as sad, as two people finding out that they’re incompatible, despite intentions, and despite sharing in one love – for their children.”
I will have to own up to how I really felt about his mother. “You’re wrong Hide. I hated her.” But I also hated myself for trying when I should’ve called it off. Even without Hide or when she ran away, I should’ve called it off. “To this day, I cannot look at that woman and think how worst off life is ever since I met her.” Taking a long drag, “I love my children yes… But how we even ended up with two children.” I look away. It’s true I was dirty with women. I shrug. “I’ll tell him the truth. He will hate hearing it.” I do wonder if she’ll stop me.
She tells me about the things needed to be done for school and that Eiji has now been helping with the children. “Good.” I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid.
She goes through the bag and makes a face on the shirt. I almost smirk but then she pulls out a book and I’m -surprised-. I reach across and retrieve it from her.
“I know this book. I had it when we first met” I sigh a little, “I haven’t had time to talk to him about the other night.”
Placing it back in the bag, “Let’s leave it for now. He can read it. The first and last part gives good advice about how to be a man and how to pick a woman. It’s the second part that gets a little -interesting-.”
It’s something he accused me of before. It is nothing new.
“And as he understands you, if he’s willing… he should see it in a different light.” I pick up his hand, and lightly kiss one of the calluses on his hands, one of the many he has that shows his long career as a man who fights. Putting the hand back down but keeping in held in mine, “no more shrugging and letting him -assume- the worst about you. The truth may be difficult, but it’s obvious he’s making up something worse.”
“I didn’t know that my brother shared his feelings with her. We would always fight about it but in the end he let me do as I please even if he had to carry the burden of worry.
I see the bit of a smile. “A good brother, then.”
He’s probably just wanting to see if we were in fact uncouth. And with the poems in that black book Hijikata-san kept…”
I grin a little. “I’ve heard -stories-, but, despite the results, he had the heart of a man who wasn’t uncouth. Just not one blessed with natural talent – and poetry is -hard-.” I can’t make sense of it, but literature was never my strong suit.
After the baby comes, I’ll have to go to Aizu, then we should go to Kyoto. Finally show Makoto what it’s really like.
I smile. “I’d like that.” And to show her, and our new child, where their roots lie, even if their futures will be here in Tokyo.
You’re wrong Hide. I hated her. To this day, I cannot look at that woman and think how worst off life is ever since I met her. I love my children yes… But how we even ended up with two children. I’ll tell him the truth. He will hate hearing it.
“I wouldn’t lead with that,” I say, quietly. “Remember you’re talking to her son. He loves her, and that will make him shut down. He’ll defend her.” I look up at him. “He needs to know first that he is loved – now, then, always. If he asks – then no, you didn’t love her. That is the truth. Not the entire truth, but maybe enough to start with, as you try to show him your side.” I shrug a little, “I know what I said must have sounded like… a nice -story- compared to your reality, but when I say ‘good intentions’, I just don’t mean your -life-, but what you came in with when you came into the wilderness. -Those- intentions, after all, were good. You wanted to make it work.” I touch his cheek. “That’s the man I met, after all, the one who had tried and been refused, that was hurt, and found me instead.”
Hajime doesn’t seem… shocked over the book and admits to knowing it! “And here I thought some of your more ‘creative’ ideas came from the fanbooks.” I do think it’s a bit much for a -boy- to read, though. I sigh. “But that’s something a father and son discuss, as I understand? Although for -that- conversation, I would be -happy- to go into another room.” I laugh softly.
I finish my tea. “More coffee? Or would you like to get a little rest before Tsutomu-kun awakes?”
no more shrugging and letting him -assume- the worst about you.
I squeeze her hand back. We shall see where the truth leads us.
She smiles a bit remembering Hijikata-san and much more as we make plans for Kyoto. It won’t be for a long while, maybe next year after all we have to have our baby first and she would have to wean it. We haven’t even settled on a name.
She speaks quietly when I told her the truth. Is my truth too harsh? Perhaps for a boy? I look at the boy who’s sleeping, in my dreams he’s not had good fates and that’s not what I want for him.
I just don’t mean your -life-, but what you came in with when you came into the wilderness. -Those- intentions, after all, were good. You wanted to make it work.” . “That’s the man I met, after all, the one who had tried and been refused, that was hurt, and found me instead.”
“I suppose that maybe the simplest explanation to start.” It may help, I can’t imagine recounting all those years in Aizu, in Gonohe and our early years in Tokyo.
Our talk finally turns to something lighter, at least in comparison to what we were speaking about earlier.
“And here I thought some of your more ‘creative’ ideas came from the fanbooks.”
“It comes from many things. I have to keep my woman satisfied after all.” I’d grin but I find myself just looking serious.
“But that’s something a father and son discuss, as I understand? Although for -that- conversation, I would be -happy- to go into another room.”
“Maybe with that, I’d have less to explain.” She laughs and I try to grin a little.
She offers me coffee but I shake my head. “My legs are somewhat sore, I’ll just stay here but perhaps you should get some sleep in the other room? I can just call you when he wakes up.”
I get a squeeze back, and I rest my head on his shoulder. “Springtime – I think – it will be a good time for the baby and I to start to travel, and Kyoto is pretty but it’s not yet our rather -extensive- summer festival season.”
“And the children get a break inbetween the start of one school year to the next. I hope perhaps even though his time at Futaba will be done, perhaps Tsutomu-kun will want to come see the city you helped to keep safe.” And as for after graduation… I remember something I read in the paper this morning (I’ve been trying to read it, every morning, to improve my knowledge and vocabulary) but I’m getting tired enough that it’s fuzzy.
I suppose that maybe the simplest explanation to start
I nod. “It’s a good start.”
It comes from many things. I have to keep my woman satisfied after all
His face is serious, and I kiss the tip of his nose. “Ah, but my love, but you do, -entirely-, and not just in the way this book outlines.” He tries to grin at my next comment, but at this point, with his mind and heart so heavy, I’m not going to charm him back into lightness. As I should not. There’s still more to be done.
He suggests that I go back to our new room, but I shake my head, and pull some more blankets from the built-in. “You take the sofa,” I say, handing him the blanket from our bed, “and I’ll make a little nest here on the floor. This week, I can only get comfortable, on my side, curled up a little. Next week, the child will shift and I’ll have to find a new way.” I smile at kiss my hand before touching my stomach, and then lean down to touch Tsutomu-kun’s face, brushing his unruly hair back from his forehead. He’s a normal temperature now, so I will rest easier.
I get the blankets arranged and settle down. Sleep comes quicker than I thought it would…
(OOC: Hide is asleep)
Hajime:
I’d tell her she can’t possibly be comfortable sleeping on the floor but she’s placed the blankets on me and is already on the floor curled up. I watch her ankles, it’s swollen just a little. I hope it’s nothing. But I can’t help but stare as she reaches out to touch my son so tenderly. If only I remember if his mother did that. Again I don’t remember. I can only -hope- she did. But all thoughts are out of my mind as I fall immediately asleep.
(Some time later:)
Tsutomu:
There’s a soft blanket and I feel warm but in a good way. Still, I groan slightly as I open my eyes. It’s morning and I turn to my side. I sit up groggily and press my fingers into my eyes, trying to remove the haze. I blink several times and notice my head is hurting. I hold it for a moment and notice…
It’s her.
What is she doing here?
What am I doing here?
How did I get here?
I look beyond the woman and there sitting up just staring at me quietly is him. He took me home didn’t he? I look away. What a way to start the morning. He’s going to skin me.
But I don’t care.
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay I guess.” I have a headache.
“I’ll get us some coffee.”
He stands up and goes to the woman, softly waking her.
“Hide he’s awake. Sit on the sofa please.”
He leaves me with the woman, who I have nothing to do with. Great.
I wake to Hajime’s gentle shaking, and open my eyes, smiling at him, but he leaves for the kitchen.
I get up, a little stiff from a night on the floor. Fixing my yukata and hair, I get up to sit on the sofa.
Tsutomu-kun is awake, and looking at me through bleary eyes, and I only smile at him. “Good morning, Tsutomu-kun.” He looks like someone who had a rough night. From my obi, I pull out a paper packet of something from one of my locked cabinets, and rip the top off. “Here, take these with some water – it will help your head. It’s Western, they’re something called a ‘pill’, you’ll have to get it down in a swallow of water instead of powder, but it will help your headache.”
“And there’s a bucket right there should something try to come up,” I tell him.
Tsutomu:
She smiles up at him as she wakes. Why? But I don’t look at them too long and he leaves anyway.
I avert my eyes as she fixes herself and the next thing I know she’s giving me some horrid stuff to drink.
“Here, take these with some water – it will help your head
I make a face while drowning it with the water but I don’t take the bucket. I just -swallow-. She’s tryingt to kill me.
Finally he returns bringing the coffee and her some tea, setting them on the low table. Then proceeds to get some pillows and gives one to me. I reach for the coffee to ge rid of the bitterness from that “pill”. He watches me as I drown the coffee fast and he throws away the packaging of the pill to a nearby waste basket.
“Make yourself comfortable.” He tells me and goes to the opposite end and placing the pillows underneath his knee sitting quite formally.
No way am I going to sit comfortably, with him sitting Seiza, so I do the same and place my hands formally on both my knees just like I was taught to do. Here we go… I wait for him to start.
“I’d like for us to talk. I’m willing to answer -any- question you may have.” he then looks at me directly, “but in return I’d like you to answer mine.”
Of course, he knows I’ve been to the Kamiya dojo. It’s a game he plays to -bargain- with me. Cops do that right?
I look to the woman sitting on the sofa. “I don’t see why she needs to be here for this.”
That should get him going and get me dismissed, I think to myself but his expression doesn’t change. And instead I’m surprised at his next statement.
“You’re right. You hardly know her.” He looks at the woman and for a moment has an almost soft expression on his face. “I didn’t properly introduce you the first time and I’d like that opportunity now.”
I don’t say anything. He always does what he wants anyway.
Hajime:
He sits in seiza, not to be outdone but we’re not here for that. I’m glad he’s taking this seriously eventhough he doesn’t look like he’s recovered.
He doesn’t answer my question about this being an equal exchange and instead deflects to Hide. I know he’s a good son and she, a good woman, so his aversion to Hide is the result of my shortcomings from the past. So I take the opportunity to put that wrong to a right and continue.
“Hide was an old friend of mine in Kyoto. We were -not- close, but she was close friends with Okita Soji my closest friend and some of the Shinsengumi. Her family is from an old line of Samurai in Kyoto. Yagi Gennoujo, her father was our primary benefactor in Mibu village. We lived in their estate for several years before and -while- under the sponsorship of the Aizu clan. To say that they have been pivotal in providing support to Pro-shogunate forces would be an understatement. Her family has had to make sacrifices to accomodate us in those early days when most of the Ronin forces were sent back to the provinces. We had the opportunity to stay in Kyoto long enough for the Aizu clan to take notice of our accomplishments and make the sponsorship formal.”
He doesn’t answer but I can easily read his eyes, saying “So what?” and discounting the Shinsengumi was his default – but that’s why I’m reminding him that we were sponsored by the Aizu clan.
“I’d like you to start calling her, “Yagi-san” going forward. If only out of respect for what her family has done for Aizu and the pro-Shogunate forces in Kyoto.”
He looks at Hide again but eventually nods back at me.
“I knew her from Kyoto and we did not see each other again until 7 years ago, when old faces started appearing in Tokyo. Do you remember?”
“You brought home Eiji-nii… And after a few months, only one visitor, his name was Okita. So it’s the same Okita from the Shinsengumi?”
“Yes.” In a way… I couldn’t really tell him it was a different one as even in my mind I still struggle with that reality. “He was the one whom your mother had welcomed in our house. He brought you sweets.”
“Mother made him an elaborate meal.” He’s quiet. I wonder if he knew what happened that night, when his mother after doing the minimum required disappeared. Of course I don’t remind him that.
He finally breaks my gaze and turns to Hide.
“If you and Okita knew each other, why didn’t you also come along?” If she saw us and my mother, maybe she’d know what she was destroying.
I almost groan but instead I reach out for the coffee. He’s obviously sprung her and I a trap. I’d answer for Hide but how much of the truth would she tell him?
Both of them sit formally, and I feel a little awkward, trying to perch properly on a sofa, a Western device meant to be -casual-.
You’re right. You hardly know her.
He looks at me, and fleetingly, I can see so much in his face. I only nod my head slightly.
I stay quiet as they start to have a conversation. I don’t miss the prominence of Aizu in his telling of my past, my family’s past, but it’s correct. They were always -there-, but always removed. Communication through intermediaries, was all I knew of. But Tsutomu-kun actually looks at me.
If you and Okita knew each other, why didn’t you also come along?
Suddenly I’m the focus of his attentions.
“And interrupt old friends getting together?” I smile. “But the truth is, Okita-san and I were close once, long ago, but not anymore, so I didn’t know of that dinner.” Of course, I cannot be close to a dead man, but I’m not going to explain things to Tsutomu-kun that his father and I still struggle with.
I reach over for the tea Hajime brought me. For a man who dislikes tea, he makes it -well-.
Tsutomu:
He looks uncomfortable at my question. He should be. He knows what I’m getting at.
But -she- dismisses my question with a smile with a -jest-. But it’s not the first time she’s done that.
“Yagi-san, had you come, you would’ve had an elaborate Aizu dinner and experienced -my- mother’s great hospitality.”
I turn my attention back to him.
“You said I can ask you anything I want. When did you start -playing- with -her-?”
Hajime:
If I had soap to wash his mouth… Suddenly I’m thrown back on that rainy day on the engawa. But I told Hide I would not shut him out.
“Hide asked me to answer your questions, rather than just letting you assume the worst of us.”
“We met unexpectedly here in Tokyo. She lived in this same house.” I try not to reach for a cigarette. “Your mother and I already were so far apart by the time I met Hide.” I look at her momentarily. “There were many things going wrong with your mother and I, in relation to my work, our past and your mother’s state of mind. I needed a friend. Someone who would understand. Hide was only a friend then.”
“And this red-haired man? Himura-san said he got in the way.”
“Your mother had compromised a case I was working on, a dangerous criminal who I ended up having to further negotiate with… I was able to get her precious fan back but botched the case with “Himura’s” brother in law who escaped…”
I finally give in and light a cigarette. “Even then I tried to work it out with your mother, mostly because of you and Tsuyoshi.”
“And when it didn’t work out, you went to “Yagi-san”?”
“No. She was already carrying our child. Your sister Makoto.”
“So you were no longer friends like you said.”
“Some where in between, it happened.”
“You should’ve just left mother and gone to her. It would’ve saved mother a lot of grief.”
Of course I can’t tell him, the truth. That I did try to leave his mother by making Hide come with me instead.
He looks back at Hide. “You should’ve just taken him “Yagi-san”. Why didn’t you?”
I don’t let Hide answer that one, “She left me Tsutomu. I had tried so hard to make up with your mother that I was negligent towards her.”
I thought I was supposed to tell this son of mine how much we care for him. But right now all I see is him sitting in the judge’s seat. That’s not how this conversation was to go is it? I’m tempted to cut it short and throw it all to the wind.
Yagi-san, had you come, you would’ve had an elaborate Aizu dinner and experienced -my- mother’s great hospitality
But I -know- of this dinner. She may have cooked, but what hospitality? She stayed silent, as if she wasn’t even there – because she wasn’t, really. But as a child, he was probably enchanted by the stranger and his sweets that he didn’t even notice.
You should’ve just taken him “Yagi-san”. Why didn’t you?
She left me Tsutomu. I had tried so hard to make up with your mother that I was negligent towards her.
“I left because you father wanted to be… public with me. To be his support when needed, and not just a woman of the shadows.”
“But I had ‘friends’ who made it a point to tell me how wicked I was, dallying with a married man, and a man already married to such a woman… they told me again and again, how beautiful, how accomplished, how remarkable your mother is.” I look down at my hands. “All of the things I’m not. And it got to me. And when I wouldn’t be where I was needed, I instead chose to ran.” I look up at him. “And for that we lost years – but most of all, Makoto lost time with her father. We’ll be dealing with that, with her, for a very long time.”
But he looks at us so… judgmentally. His mind, his heart, closed. I want to shake him, yell at him, at how Hajime is putting himself out there, for him.
Instead…. Loving can be -hard-.
I lean forward a little. “Tsutomu-kun, we’re not telling you this story to approve or disapprove of me. What’s done is done, what it is now… is. But you went seeking answers last night, when there are answers for you right here in this house. Your father isn’t the sort to tell romantic tales of samurai and lost causes, or to brag on his bravery, because the moment one fight is over, he has to head for the next. So instead, from just what you’ve told me, you’ve taken what you heard over the years and filled it in without his story… instead of the Aizu-sanctioned protectors of Kyoto, to you, the Shinsengumi were -thugs- and murders.”
“Your father is here to answer your questions. They won’t be all answered today, or tomorrow, it will take… a lifetime, for one -man- to know another, but the door is open to you.” I look at him. “But show him respect for addressing difficult topics by -listening- like a man, without judgement, with -sincerity-.”
I get up. “I need to make sure the girls are up and going. I’ll be back. But, Tsutomu-kun, he loves you. Maybe you felt it was never enough but he did, and he does, and he will.” I sigh. “And I know you’re a good boy who loves his mother, but also loving your father, listening to him is -not- disloyal, any more than Makoto’s longing for her missing father was during those years we were alone.”
I turn and exit the room, sliding the shoji door -shut-, and go to make sure Yukiko-san and Makoto are getting going. I will give them some money to treat Eiji-san to breakfast out this morning.
(OOC – Hide has left the room)
But I had ‘friends’ who made it a point to tell me how wicked I was, dallying with a married man, and a man already married to such a woman… they told me again and again, how beautiful, how accomplished, how remarkable your mother is.”
Suddenly she interjects, almost as if she was correcting what I told my son. But that was how I saw and understood that time, of how things unfolded. She talks about friends, her friends or her sister’s? The Kitsune and another who seemed familiar and yet not. But her sister, the other one she avoids mentioning but I knew her primary reason back then was to protect her.
“All of the things I’m not. And it got to me. And when I wouldn’t be where I was needed, I instead chose to ran.”
I’d correct her. It wasn’t that she felt inferior to my wife. She had chosen to leave because I tried to force her to make a decision that she possibly couldn’t have, to take her sister’s place… -He- didn’t want her anyway, I knew. I -saw-. But even so it would’ve been wrong. I look to the side and puff a smoke.
She tries to talk to my son who just stares back at her. She tries to appeal to his reason and calling him out on the false narratives he’s built from his mother and from himself. But then her tone changes to a more firm one as she speaks about showing respect. That is what’s missing here isn’t it. I suppose I have to revert back to what I told her earlier. Sometimes protecting isn’t really that and the soft approach that we wanted to take is not what’s needed.
Tsutomu-kun, he loves you. Maybe you felt it was never enough but he did, and he does, and he will.”
She tells him the words I couldn’t say to my son directly. Maybe she sensed that… Maybe that’s why this conversation has gone on so long, still with those simple words unsaid. But something else catches…
“And I know you’re a good boy who loves his mother, but also loving your father, listening to him is -not- disloyal, any more than Makoto’s longing for her missing father was during those years we were alone.”
Disloyalty? My daughter? I watch as she leaves the room and firmly shuts the door. I sit there for a moment just smoking quietly, while he glares at the door.
“She’s not your mother. She knows that.” I tell him and stand up and smoke by the shoji door that’s open to the garden. “But one day she -will- be my wife and in a way a mother to you.”
“I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been gone again from this house, and likely will shortly.” I think of the child that still do not have a name. “It’s no different than those times I used to leave your mother. My justice you will understand in time… And even if you never do, I can make peace with that.”
I take a long burn on the now short stick, “But to that woman whose shown you much consideration and caring especially when I was away. I will -need- you to learn to respect her.”
“Why are you so attached to that woman!” He mutters through his teeth. “Why didn’t you show the same to your wife!”
I look back at him, “It’s time you know the truth. The stories you’ve heard from your mother and even others in Aizu are false. I was indeed the Captain of the Suzaku troop but I was never in the castle with Yaeko nor did I know your mother during the Aizu war. The men under my command and the ten Shinsengumi members that Hijikata-san -left- to me, most of my troop were either annihilated or captured before the castle fell.”
“What do you mean?” He looks away, which tells me he already knows what I mean and is just denying it.
“I met your mother in Gonohe. My wife and I were living in the same tenement house as your grandfather Hieuejimon who as you know adopted your mother.” He should know the truth, this boy had always searched for it and I let him grow up surrounded by lies. “I was asked by the clan to take your mother as my wife, in an arranged marriage sponsored by Matsudaira and Teru-hime.”
“That meant you…”
“I abandoned my first wife.” I look him straight in the eye, “My wife, Yaso was expecting but was in frail health. She was a good woman and wanted to do the best for the clan, to show the Meiji that Aizu people can live outside of detention – have freedom. Yaso agreed to it and an infamous Captain of the Shinsengumi and a lady of the court was the perfect couple to start a new family in the Meiji.”
For a moment I doubt if what I’m doing is right. I know this isn’t what Hide wanted me to do. She wanted to protect him but I see no other way.
“So she was the one, mother told you to forget.” He looks down, “What happened to her?”
“She died a few months before you were born. So I did as your mother told me -forget- her.”
I look at him. He shakes his head and the look on his eyes confused. “But mother had many stories, that you were the Captain, her Aizu samurai. You fought legions to keep her safe. That you escaped by cutting her hair and putting her on disguise. That Matsudaira-sama was so happy you had settled down and even gave you the name Fujita and a haori after you married. That the living was so hard in Gonohe, that you took her from there to live a more comfortable life in Tokyo… And yet.”
“Not all of it was a lie. Matsudaira-sama did give me the name Fujita. You’ve never seen the Fujita family record have you? It goes back to the time of the Kansoku register and Yaso’s name is on there as my first wife, divorced. If you want more proof of the truth, your godfather Yamakawa and my comrade from Suzaku, Kanbee knows.”
“So I see. We were merely incidental.” He curls his fist and stands up, “You didn’t want us and neither did mother.”
“That’s not true.”
“That caped man told me, that mother used to tell him we were not at all like her. What else could that mean?”
“Your mother was unstable that time. We had a lot of problems borne out of our past mistakes. We couldn’t find the contentment other couples found in other arranged marriages. But that doesn’t mean you were not wanted.”
“Then tell me. How can you a man who was forced to abandon his wife and how can she a -delusional- woman, sincerely want us?”
Throwing my cigarette away, I pull him towards me and embrace him. “You were wanted. I can’t speak a lot about your mother but she wanted you. She was happy when she found out about you, that she finally got the life she wanted if only for a little while. And today she ensures your and your brothers future by doing the things she has done.” Of course I know why his mother has stifled my attempts at a divorce to marry Hide.
He’s quiet. “And you?”
I hold his head towards my chest, “After my wife and child slipped away, I thought life had ended.” I pause and hold him at arms length looking him in the eye, “but Tsutomu, you became my new hope – another reason to try and rebuild in this Meiji era and pick up my sword again.”
He moves away and goes back to his seat and I let him.
“You can ask me your questions now.” He says quietly.
“Maybe you should take a rest? Have some breakfast?” I’m worried. He seems out of sorts. Did I say too much?
“No. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
(Hide – Yukiko-san’s room)
I know Hajime doesn’t like everything I say, but when talking about -our- past, what would make sense? Me and my sister? The wilderness and the shadows? Two Soujis, one alive, one dead? There’s a lot of truth for him to digest and again, he shouldn’t have to struggle with what we still struggle with. And yet, there is some truth. I -did- feel as if I could never measure up to his wife -there-, even when she wasn’t what she was said to be. I didn’t have the confidence then to know that the only one who needed to find me beautiful was him; that a clever wife who could compose poetry was nice but a woman who -talked- to him was better; and… I still struggle with knowing that I’m -ordinary- compared to all of the women he knows, but perhaps what an extraordinary man needs to come home to is something more… ordinary.
And of course, -she- was one of the ones telling me how I couldn’t simply not replace just her, but Tokio as well. In some ways she bought into the idea that her and I just weren’t -enough-, and used it against us. .
I’m over that thinking. If I am to be -just- a housewife, then I will be a -remarkable- housewife.
I knock softly and an enter at her greeting. “Yukiko-san… Tsutomu-kun is… unwell this morning.” I close the door behind me. “He… had his first taste of drink last night and he’s not feeling well.”
“Could you get Makoto-chan dressed and out of the house quietly?” I take some money and hand it to her. “It’s early enough to take her to a restaurant stall for breakfast – she thinks that’s a great treat.” I smile a little. “And there’s enough to treat Eiji-san as well, if he’s your escort.”
“You can let Eiji-san know, when he’s out of Makoto-chan’s earshot, that he went to see the caped man yesterday. He’s… fine but there’s a long overdue conversation happening downstairs.” I hand over a note. “Please, also, bring this to the upper school to excuse Tsutomu-kun today from class.”
She agrees. I wake my sleeping daughter, and then go back to attend to her brother.
(Downstairs)
I go the kitchen and quickly prepare a light breakfast – rice, soup, and I bring with me a tin of senbei, in case Tsutomu-kun’s appetite is -really- light. And knowing his taste… I find the box of daifuku that I hide from Makoto but not, I think, from Tsutomu-kun as the numbers steadily decrease no matter where they are… I put that on my tray as well.
I pause at the door, to balance the tray before I open the door.
And you?”
After my wife and child slipped away, I thought life had ended. but Tsutomu, you became my new hope – another reason to try and rebuild in this Meiji era and pick up my sword again.
You can ask me your questions now.
Maybe you should take a rest? Have some breakfast?
No. It doesn’t matter anyway.
I knock and enter. “You should eat something, and keep drinking – water or tea – if you’re going to recover.” I say, setting down the tray, and then going back to close the door. “Between my brothers and the Shinsengumi, I’ve seen my share of what they call ‘hangovers’.” I smile a little. “They were just ordinary men, but some were -young-, and sometimes overindulged.”
“I’m sending the girls out, and Yukiko-san will deliver a note to excuse you from school today.” I start to prepare each of them some breakfast, as well as a smaller plate for myself. “I don’t know if, since next week is a holiday, what sort of workload you have, but you should be fine – you’ve not missed a day of school since you came, even those times when you hurt your ankle.”
Tsutomu-kun looks… tired. I’m certain this is a lot for him to take in.
Hajime:
Hide comes back with breakfast and I’m glad for the interruption.
“Thank you.” I tell her and kneel down by the table. He said he didn’t want to eat but he’ll feel better if he does.
“I’m famished.” I tell Hide with a smile. Then proceed to pour some of the soup for all three of us. I take some rice for myself and open the colorful box. I can guess what that is of course.
“Between my brothers and the Shinsengumi, I’ve seen my share of what they call ‘hangovers’.” “They were just ordinary men, but some were -young-, and sometimes overindulged.”
“Drink the tea Tomu.” I pour some for him, “Hide never saw me drink while on the job, but when I went out drinking with some of the men, tea helped ensure I’d still be able to teach Mugai Ryu in the morning or substitute for a Captain who couldn’t quite get up yet.” I look at Hide, she should know who those young men were.
I try to look light for my son. Eventhough there are some burning questions I’d like to ask perhaps it can wait until he has some food in him.
Tsutomu:
He relaxes and doesn’t ask me questions. Why?
I would’ve answered them. Or does he already know everything?
I look at the tea that’s set in front of me. I guess we both don’t like tea but I reach for the daifuku and take a bite. Then take a sip of the tea. There were some senbei so I take a little of that too.
that woman whose shown you much consideration and caring
I steal a look at her… Makoto-chan’s mother. Earlier I thought she was angry at me but I was angry back. But she’s no different than my mother, in terms of being the other woman. The only difference is he’s chosen her – not mother. Mother’s stories were lies but what now? Yoshi what do I tell Yoshi?
I don’t know if, since next week is a holiday, what sort of workload you have, but you should be fine
I nod quietly. She thinks school will be fine since I didn’t miss a lot days but I’ve been lagging behind. “Thank you for sending them the note Yagi-san.”
Oh. I have to give back the book to Kai tomorrow. But there’s no way I can read all of that in one night. Maybe I’ll just skip class.
Hide never saw me drink while on the job, but when I went out drinking with some of the men, tea helped ensure I’d still be able to teach Mugai Ryu in the morning or substitute for a Captain who couldn’t quite get up yet
Oh yes… I shake my head. “And when I say they were young, three of the captains were just eighteen, nineteen years old – your father was among that group – but they all shouldered great responsibilities, not just for patrol, but in teaching and evaluating.” I start with some of the soup, slowly. I -feel- a burp trying to rise.
“There was a time, in the beginning… when my family were wary of these unknown samurai who were assigned to board at our home. And as an unmarried girl, I was of concern. They made me,” I smile a little, “dress as a boy. Your father saw right through me, but didn’t blow my cover. It took some time – and for the Shinsengumi to show their true colors – before I was allowed to put my hair back up and wear a woman’s kimono.”
“My grandmother died. She was a strong woman, and she was unafraid of all of these men, and showed her displeasure most obviously,” I chuckle a little. “But they still showed her kindness, and after her death, they arranged -everything-, so that we could mourn. I understand there were some avoided mishaps, but it was then that my parents understood that these were good men and knew I would be safe as myself.”
“They were complicated, real people,” I say. “That’s how it -usually- goes. And I … only know part of their story, even though I was -there-.”
I hear a little knock on the door to this room, and then running footsteps, and the front door closing, and then the gate. Sliding it open, I find a handful of little candies with a folded note on top. Where does she keep getting these?
“I think these are for you,” I smile, handing them over. Hopefully Yukiko-san’s telling to her leaves out the drinking aspect.
But there’s still strain in the room. I look at the rice, but I cannot right now.
Thank you for sending them the note Yagi-san
He actually uses my name. I would be fine with Hide-san, but that will have to wait. “Of course, Tsutomu-kun,” I reply. “Oh, and I’ll get that shirt in your bag washed before tomorrow.”
(OOC – the note reads “Feel better niisan!”)
three of the captains were just eighteen, nineteen years old – your father was among that group – but they all shouldered great responsibilities
“Todou Heisuke was just eighteen,” I think to myself he’d be dead before turning 23. “Soji and I were 19. Soji was Captain of the 1st Troop and when I started I was Captain of the 4th.”
“Oh Okita-san is a very strong swordsman then.” He adds. I watch him closely, why does he remember Soji so vividly? At least he doesn’t seem to have the same aversion towards him unlike the rest of the Shinsengumi.
I watch as Hide tries to tell the story of that time. For a moment though she looks uncomfortable but likely it’s the food. She didn’t touch the rice, only the soup.
They made me,” “dress as a boy. Your father saw right through me, but didn’t blow my cover. It took some time – and for the Shinsengumi to show their true colors – before I was allowed to put my hair back up and wear a woman’s kimono.”
She smiles at her crossdressing days and tells him that I didn’t out her.
“It would’ve been troublesome for the Shinsengumi had your cover been blown.” I add evenly.. But did her crossdressing really keep her safe? I don’t mention the fact that it allowed her and Soji to be close. How she would blush whenever he would wrap his arms around her in their training lessons. Ah but I was too busy carving some doll in the corner. At least Todo tried being her friend first. “We would’ve been kicked out right away.”
My grandmother died. She was a strong woman, and she was unafraid of all of these men, and showed her displeasure most obviously,” “But they still showed her kindness, and after her death, they arranged -everything-, so that we could mourn.
I remember that night. It was the last job I had to do to rid myself of the Yakuza but I was tasked in keeping guard and replacing the incense. I failed in that regard but Kondou-san, acted as if nothing had happened eventhough I’m sure he knew I had left. “Kondou-san was a graceful man.” I look at my son, “One day I will tell you stories of him. Although I took my orders from Hijikata-san, it is due to Kondou-san that I did. He was very loyal to Matsudaira-sama as well.”
For a moment I seem to have captured my son’s attention, about Matsudaira. It’s still very obvious that his reverence for Aizu and it’s court is very strong. But there were complicated and rather strenuous events surrounding Matusdaira that he may not find favorable but for today I refrain from tarnishing that view.
I reach out and squeeze Hide’s hand. I know she’s excited to tell him about Kyoto, of those times, but I can see Tsutomu’s barely heard our words. Thankfully we’re interrupted by a knock on the door.
Tsutomu:
Okita-san, she told about him. He was the only honorable man who was the close ally of my father. Kept his back safe, while those leaders of the Shinsengumi kept sending my father to dangerous missions rather than going in themselves. She seemed excited to see him that day and he brought mochi. We had a great time playing that night. My eyes settle on Yagi-san, she said they were close. Then they weren’t. I wonder is the reason she’s no longer with Okita-san is because father took her away from him? Everybody is just taking everybody aren’t they? No one really belongs to anyone anymore.
Yagi-san keeps talking about her dressing up as a boy. The caped man said mother dressed up as a boy to get away. I thought she went away to find him. They all just liked dressing up as boys to hide, to run, to get away.
He talks about some person named Kondou. That’s a new name. He’s the commander? Hijikata was the commander of the Shinsengumi, the one who decided to abandon Aizu. But Matsudaira-sama knew Kondou-san? How? Why?
Yagi-san stands up and hands me candy with a note. Oh it’s from Makoto. I take some of the candy. I should ask her one day where she gets these. Maybe we’ll get some when Yoshi comes back. “Thank you.” I say it but it sounds far away.
“Oh, and I’ll get that shirt in your bag washed before tomorrow.”
OH… I stand up and take my bag. It’s better if I give her the shirt -now-, than her going through my bags and finding the book. They were definitely doing #3 or #4. What did Kai say? It had to be the right girl otherwise it doesn’t work? What doesn’t work Kai? When my father did -that- to her, whatever that is I have to read it… They had me. Then they probably did it again and had Yoshi. So wasn’t Mother the right girl? I look at Yagi-san. She had Makoto and now has another bump. Maybe it’s all just garbage. Maybe I’ll tell Kai that.
I go back and sit, the bag beside me. Will I be dismissed or will he ask me questions? Suddenly I don’t feel like talking.
Feel better nii-san! -Sure-.
It would’ve been troublesome for the Shinsengumi had your cover been blown. We would’ve been kicked out right away.
“Well thankfully you were the only -observant- one there, Hajime.” I smile slightly. “I didn’t want to do it, but of course I followed what my father said. And I was terrible at it… and they tried to teach me kendo. Unlike my daughter I had no appetite for learning to fight.”
He hands me the shirt, and sits back down and he looks… I don’t know what he’s even hearing right now. I take his hand. “Tsutomu-kun, I know all of this is… a lot. It will take a while, and I know you’re like your father – you will overthink and tear this all apart, dozens and dozens of times. But your father is here, to talk to you – and not just today.” Briefly, I put my arm around his shoulder and embrace him.
“You’re a good boy and one day you’ll be a remarkable man.” I lean in a little, to try to catch his eyes. This must be so much for him…
As I shift forward, I realize my mistake! I feel the bubble that’s been sitting and bothering me all morning rising… I stand and murmur to be excused and I make it as far as closing the door behind me…
BURP
I cover my mouth, deeply, deeply embarrassed – my cheeks are flaming. “I’m fine!” I call back. Ah, and now I need to go to the washroom… “I’ll be right back.”
(OOC -Hide is out of the room)
Hajime:
And I was terrible at it… and they tried to teach me kendo. Unlike my daughter I had no appetite for learning to fight.”
I quirk an eyebrow, “Oh. Maybe you were just a bit distracted or nervous?” Ah I couldn’t help going down that path after all.
But she tries hard with my son. Finally noticing that we may hardly be getting through to him but she embraces him nonetheless. I can see – that he remains aloof but doesn’t push her away. There is none of that hate that is directed towards her and for today, that’s all I can ask for. A leveling of the my estranged wife and my soon to be future one in his eyes. Destructive I know, but sometimes it is necessary.
But suddenly she runs out and I quickly turn as the door shuts. We hear a LOUD BURP.
“I’m fine!” “I’ll be right back.”
I hesitate whether to follow her. I don’t want him to think I’m always going after Hide.
“Aren’t you going to check on her?” He asks.
“No. She said she’ll be fine.” I grin at him, “Besides, a woman like that wouldn’t want to be caught in a muck. It would be too embarrassing… Better let her keep her propriety.”
He nods.
“How are you feeling?”
He shrugs but it’s not the usual dismissive one. “I’d like to go to my room.”
“Just a little more.” I light a cigarette just to see if he’ll say something or shift away but he doesn’t.
“About my question, I’ll make it short.” I look at him, “Like she said your answers were here and you likely knew that already. Why did you go to that dojo?”
He looks at me for a while before finally answering, “I wanted to see what those two men, who caused trouble to our…” he shifts uncomfortably, “I wanted to see what they were like.”
I’m sure he meant to say “our family” but I let it be. It’s only natural he’s uncomfortable with that word when it came to the Fujita house. “How did you find out?”
“I overheard Myoujin-san speak about them.” He adds quietly, “I also heard you speak about them to Yagi-san.”
“I see.” I puff slightly on my cigarette, “So now that you know, some of it. What do you think?”
He shrugs, “You told Yagi-san you couldn’t let it go.” He looks at me, his eyes so dark but I can still read them. “I thought you were -finally- going to make things right. Get us -justice-. Make them accountable for the loss of our…” He doesn’t finish.
“Our family?”
He nods and I see he’s waiting for me to answer but I can’t answer that. I can’t answer his feelings even if I know -now-, what they are.
“Go upstairs. Take a rest.”
He leaves with his things. Obviously disappointed that I didn’t answer his call for justice. Suddenly my words to him earlier felt -hollow-. I finish my cigarette and look at the list Hide gave me earlier.
(OOC: Tsutomu exits. Saitou will leave this thread tonight and go to the market when Yukiko gets back mid-morning. Hide can choose to come back or just close this thread. Also please add the contents of the list otherwise i’ll just make stuff up.).
(Later)
Tsutomu-kun is… sleeping, or feigning it, when I stop by his room later.
I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t think that he would instantly change… but he seemed exhausted. Almost… defeated.
And Hajime left before I could have time to talk to him again.
I sit down by him a minute, setting down the water I brought, along with some more senbei. I also leave a book – this one is shorter stories, and… I don’t know if he’s in the mood for reading. I leave it with the refreshments, and leave him to rest.
(OOC – Exit Hide, close thread)
(OOC – Shopping List – 2 pillows, 4 towels and washing cloths, soap (nothing flowery), big sack of rice. Pick up order of fabric from fabric shop. Drop off cake order at the bakery for pickup Monday. And… if you can find them… pears?)