The air was heavy.
Looking out the window, I watch the treehouse as I smoke. Truly it’s too early to be retiring now but I suppose I wasn’t sure what to do with the banter that would come after everyone’s had their dinner. Besides I wanted to change into something more comfortable, that shirt smelled like smoke and full of sweat. Narrowing my eyes, I remember his Ki, it was strong enough to make me sweat. Was I afraid? No. I do not fear death. But the one who wins is he who is left alive.
I remember the day the Battousai came in a carriage to the Kyoto Police. He had learned the Hiten Mitsurugi Ougi. He learned it from that man, but why are both of them alive? It was only a rumor but I heard that learning the Ougi meant the death of the previous master.
And Tokio was his student? That can be taken any which way. She maybe able to hold a sword but she barely could handle a weapon. I -know- because I tried showing her. Perhaps he meant a student of… But I don’t care anymore about -that-. He was free to have taken Tokio away but he didn’t and instead I was forced to stay, though that was of my doing.
Watching the ember glow fiery red, I can’t help but be disappointed at how the day turned out. I had waited for this day, since we seem to have lost -that- space. And today we decided to be free, to not deny who we are, who our children are and yet -this- happens. We have a world but we can’t move in it freely, that was not the plan. We were supposed to have freedom.
Stinking up the Bedroom
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“Eiji-san banished me from cleaning up after dinner. He’s actually a little bossy,” I say, taking my new yukata and shaking it out before I put it away, along with the geta. “He even told Yukiko-san and Kinosuke-san what to do.”
I go over to where he is, and sit beside him, looking out at the night sky, and I lean my head against him. “You know, the worst I was expecting today was to have to deal with some wagging tongues, or perhaps that one girl who Makoto has had run ins with would make a scene. I though perhaps some of -her- friends would make cutting remarks…” I shake my head. “I didn’t expect -that- friend.”
Quietly, I add. “I know you wanted today to be special for me. For -us-. Did you see how Makoto smiled when you told her to call you Chichiue now at school? It reminded me of the day, back in Ito, where you told her that she was yours.” I lace my fingers through his free hand. “I wanted special as well. I wanted to go to that school and have a taste… of what it will be like. To be by your side, as -yours, and you mine, to all of this world.” One day our names will be together, in some ledger in a bureaucrat’s office, as proof to something beyond us that we were here, that we mattered to each other, that we found each other. But all we wanted today was to be Makoto’s parents together.
I look down, “and yet I sit around and indulge in recrimination… Listen to the worst of the voices within my head, the ones that tell me that I’m never going to be good enough. Do you have those…?” I sigh. “They’re not good for me, nor is my writer’s taste in mopey songs.” For someone who floats through life, she certainly has a taste for emotional music. I grin a little, “I think that’s why I always preferred your songs. That, and the love that came with them.”
Turning, I kiss him, softly, with all of the gentleness that is part of the many ways I love him. “I adore you, my Hajime. I love your more at forty than I did at thirty-nine, and I’ll love you more at forty-one, even though who knows what we will see in another year.”
I look up and watch her put away the gifts.
“He can be a bit of an obaa-san.” I try to grin as she sits down beside me.
“You know, the worst I was expecting today was to have to deal with some wagging tongues, or perhaps that one girl who Makoto has had run ins with would make a scene. I though perhaps some of -her- friends would make cutting remarks…” I shake my head. “I didn’t expect -that- friend.”
Looking out at the night sky, I lean back a little. “It seems our sanctuary has been limited to this room.” That’s not what I wanted for us. I take a long drag on my cigarette and blow the smoke towards the window.
“You know… When I was with Tokio my biggest concern was her safety. I preferred her to stay at home all the time. So when she used to tell me she didn’t go out or didn’t find it interesting to… I felt this sense of relief.”
For a moment I look at Hide and think about how she was kept prisoner outside the wilderness and how I desperately wanted to break her free from the confines of this house. But that ended in utter failure. I look away.
“But thinking that Tokio should stay home was wrong. I had started to worry that I hindered her growth.” Of course that woman did in fact go out and used to keep it from me, then when she got caught and I found out our children was always at the neighbors… She left letters not to follow her. I suppose that’s when she was meeting again with her former acquaintance.
“I know you wanted today to be special for me. For -us-. Did you see how Makoto smiled when you told her to call you Chichiue now at school? It reminded me of the day, back in Ito, where you told her that she was yours.” “I wanted special as well. I wanted to go to that school and have a taste… of what it will be like. To be by your side, as -yours, and you mine, to all of this world.”
I nod at this. “She seemed happy.” Of course she will be until she’s not and the reality of things rears its head. “Well I think we got a taste didn’t we? Those idiots at the Kamiya dojo, Tokio’s “sensei” and even that Makabe tried to make his own student lose.” For a moment a part of me wish that I didn’t take Hide back to Tokyo. We should’ve run to Shanghai, Hokkaido, London or America where hardly anyone knows us. But that would be running and something tells me that’s not the answer.
“and yet I sit around and indulge in recrimination… Listen to the worst of the voices within my head, the ones that tell me that I’m never going to be good enough. Do you have those…?” “They’re not good for me, nor is my writer’s taste in mopey songs.”
Putting out my cigarette I place an arm around her. “I do… When confronted with the past.” I remember a time when I was with Tokio, that I tried to throw my past away both for Kyoto and Gonohe. And now here we are, a different sort of past that I cannot as easily ignore or deny because our existence is tied to it. Unlike Tokio where the best answer to make her happy was to completely throw away the past and not look back, but I couldn’t do that, my existence was tied to it. Besides I did try to do it and utterly failed, to think I dared to try put on that Shinsengumi uniform and make true their infamous reputation.
“So tell me, what foolish thoughts were you entertaining?”
“I adore you, my Hajime. I love your more at forty than I did at thirty-nine, and I’ll love you more at forty-one, even though who knows what we will see in another year.”
We kiss and it is slow and gentle. I indulge in it a bit, letting it melt some of the stress of the day away. “In another year, you’ll be a mother of two. Taking our children to visit with your brothers and they’ll be playing with their cousins. Well at least Makoto will be playing. You’ll have to tend to a 1.5 year old. If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll have another one the way.” I can’t help but grin at the thought. I didn’t want to saddle her with too many children, but I suppose that’s what naturally happens.
“A bit? I think he was also trying to send me up here to be with you, just like a matchmaking granny,” I laugh, glad to see that he’s not just trying to smile – he’s trying out a grin.
t seems our sanctuary has been limited to this room
“It does. It’s a -nice- room, but once we had… endless worlds.” I look out the window. “I miss it – I like progressing here, but I did like seeing you across time and space. It was… freeing, and a way for us to be with each other when we needed it, without worrying about locks and evesdroppers. It gave us a break, didn’t it? Your little cabin, or a bar, or some place in another time… celebrating every birthday we could wring out of either calendar.” I grin a little, “well, I don’t like wearing pants but I did like those ‘high heeled shoes’ – it was nice to be a -little- closer to you in height.”
But thinking that Tokio should stay home was wrong. I had started to worry that I hindered her growth
“Right now, I truly don’t mind. Between the heat and my size, the thought of staying home, comfortable in my new pretty yukata seems like a -good- idea, trouble or no trouble outside. And apart from the temple visit on the child’s tenth day to announce the baby’s name, a woman is supposed to stay home for 100 days after the birth of a child to rest and recover, and to see to the baby when it’s the most helpless. Were this another time?” I think about it. “I know when you tell me to be careful, it comes from the part of you that loves me, and wants to see me safe. When you’re out working, I want you to sometimes perhaps think of me… fondly, longingly… but not -worried-.” I look up at him, and touch the side of his face. “That’s one way I can support you, which in turn… makes me happy. Once we get to oh,” I calculate quickly, “a bit before the end of the year, when I’m able to move around more, we’ll see what the threats are, and what’s safest.” I kiss the tip of his nose, “and I’m going to look forward to what you can teach me at your work. And finally showing me something about how to use my tanto.” I look at him. “In these walls or outside, I have a -full- life with you.”
I do… When confronted with the past
I snuggle closer as he draws me to him. “My voices don’t really help me, except in that they mirroring my worst thoughts, perhaps point out that… I’m not helping myself. That I’m not relying on my own truths, and using those to guide me back to a place where… I’m better.”
So tell me, what foolish thoughts were you entertaining?
“That the version of me that your writer made, the one who slept? That she would have done a better job. Done it all -right- today…” I shrug, “but I think I’ve talked myself down from that one. That shadow didn’t say goodbye to you when you left.” I look out at the stars. “I set myself to a high standard. I want to be -good- for you. Not just… with making you soba, or sharing your bed… but in being by your side to help bring out the best in you. To a man who honors his past but lives in the present, and still follows his truth. I know that’s not -driven- by a woman, but I can certainly help, in my own way. Maybe that other one would have been less trouble, but I’m not sure if it would be the same for you.” And it certainly wouldn’t be for me.
“When you leave, don’t leave me sleeping. I’ll wake up for you… if you’re going to work, let me wish you well, see your face…” I grin softly. “I’ll only try to entice you back to bed on your days off.”
I nudge him a little. “So, have your legs recovered to where your slightly plump little wife-to-be can sit on her favorite lap?” I give him a look. “But be honest with me – remember I’ve promised not to fuss over your injuries. I’d rather not hinder your recovery – I fear you’ll need all of that strength, so I can wait in that case.”
In another year, you’ll be a mother of two. Taking our children to visit with your brothers and they’ll be playing with their cousins. Well at least Makoto will be playing. You’ll have to tend to a 1.5 year old. If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll have another one the way
I smile. “if this one is like Makoto, they will be trying to get up and around by that time – she crawler earlied than I remember my brothers doing, and walked… she was always a child on the move,” but I like his vision. Seeing my children in the same garden where I played as a child, and the Yagis that came before us. I grin as he mentions our -next- child. “This one was your birthday present, perhaps the next one can be mine?” Children are hard work… but I love building this family for him. Some our children, some his, and others who are family, irregardless of blood. I put his hand on my stomach. The child has been quiet, but I’m certain that it knows that it’s loved, even now.
“Well in certain ways he’s dependable. Perhaps he regrets not being able to do more when we all shared a house.” Not that he would’ve been successful. After all my happiness was no longer tied to that life.
It gave us a break, didn’t it? Your little cabin, or a bar, or some place in another time… I did like those ‘high heeled shoes’ – it was nice to be a -little- closer to you in height.”
She speaks about our worlds, the many places we’ve visited as free creatures. “I was wondering why we’ve been sequestered here but I suppose I now know why.” Indeed if my suspicions are correct it probably wasn’t to punish us but to get us closer to our dream or I hope is our dream and not just mine.
She tells me she truly doesn’t mind and I have to take that for what it is. “She used to lie to me about that.” I look at her, “If you want to go out in the near term, you just have to tell me and there are other ways.”
Were this another time?”. “I know when you tell me to be careful, it comes from the part of you that loves me, and wants to see me safe. When you’re out working, I want you to sometimes perhaps think of me… fondly, longingly… but not -worried-.”
I can only chuckle at this. Fondly? Perhaps. Longingly? Definitely.
“I’m not sure I cannot be worried, not because of -you-. But the things, the people, circumstances that cannot be controlled. Worry is good, it helps me be careful, makes me plan meticulously to avoid mistakes. You know it’s a misconception that people have that us undercover cops do not worry, we do but we commit to our decisions and plans in spite of the worry and doubt. It requires a lot of faith that things will work out as intended and if not, then that’s when our second plan kicks in. Becuase there is always a plan B, C or D for those who worried their plan A would fail.”
I think for a moment of the battle with Shishio, my plan to use the Battousai didn’t quite work out, the plan to assassinate Shishio didn’t pan out either and I was forced to fight. My last card? Was Shinomori and hope that he bought all of us enough time to recover and gang up on him.
She snuggles in more and tells me about her shadow. That time where it should’ve been a quiet ending for us.
That she would have done a better job. Done it all -right- today…” I shrug, “but I think I’ve talked myself down from that one. That shadow didn’t say goodbye to you when you left.”
I nod. “Did you notice I didn’t wake her up? I believe the real you would have stayed up all night if you knew I was leaving sometime that morning.” I kiss her hair, “I never found you lacking in that regard Hide.”
“I set myself to a high standard. I want to be -good- for you. Not just… with making you soba, or sharing your bed… but in being by your side to help bring out the best in you. To a man who honors his past but lives in the present, and still follows his truth. I
“Don’t you know I already know that? But your ideals may be too lofty. My wants and needs are simple. Besides, bringing out the best in me, requires that I always be at my best. That’s a hard role to fulfill even for me. I am a simple man with simple needs. Why do you think I don’t involve myself in politics or academia and prefer to be a free sword? The justice I wield is simple to understand.”
She asks about my legs and I take her and place her on my lap. That’s my answer.
“This one was your birthday present, perhaps the next one can be mine?”
“If it’s not a boy, we will try again -immediately-.” I rub my hand lightly on her stomach as she placed it there. “But of course this one would is special too. Think of how patient this one has been.” Ten years now? I smirk a little. That’s why I think walls have been put up. Our lives have to continue and with the good comes the bad.
“It’s not the worst bargain we’ve made.” I’m quiet for a moment. “But if we are moving forward… if I get you as my husband, I will learn to lock doors and well, we will just have to be creative. I’ve never thought of the bathhouse the same way since the other morning.” I laugh, and kiss his cheek.
If you want to go out in the near term, you just have to tell me and there are other ways
It’s -sad- that she used to lie. How could she twist his protectiveness so? “I -will- let you know.” I smile. “And me telling you not to worry, is like you telling me not to worry about you.” I kiss his chest, where I can hear his heartbeat. “But I also know that it’s not just your sword that got you through your life or death battles, but your intelligence, your tenacity. So I will worry and fret because what you do is dangerous, but have -faith- in you. Even if I know that you will go into a burning, collapsing secret mountainside base.”
Did you notice I didn’t wake her up? I believe the real you would have stayed up all night if you knew I was leaving sometime that morning. I never found you lacking in that regard Hide
“And I would be sending you out with a bento, of course.” I grin a little and put my hand on his stomach. Now that I’ve -seen- him in daylight I know that my care is restoring him. He’s going to need that strength… and I smile as he says my name. I always love it when he does… there’s something about the way the one who loves you says it, even just in conversation.
Don’t you know I already know that? But your ideals may be too lofty. My wants and needs are simple. Besides, bringing out the best in me, requires that I always be at my best. That’s a hard role to fulfill even for me. I am a simple man with simple needs. Why do you think I don’t involve myself in politics or academia and prefer to be a free sword? The justice I wield is simple to understand
“When I speak of you at your best, I don’t mean some lofty ideal. You’re a man whose favorite meal is zaru soba, after all – what’s more simple than that?” I grin, “but thankfully you’ve found a woman who has perfected it. When I say best, I mean… being supportive of who you are. Exactly as you are.”
If it’s not a boy, we will try again -immediately-. But of course this one would is special too. Think of how patient this one has been
I’m in his lap, and I sigh. “Ah, you see… wherever we find ourselves – here in a house of wood or somewhere with steel and glass… -this- is my home.” I rest my head in the crook of his neck and take in his smell. “And I agree… I want to have a son,” I lean in and kiss him again, slowly, deeply. “After all, we’re -very- good at this trying.”
She laughs and kisses me but I hold her wrist for a moment. “It’s not an, if you get me as your husband.” I remind her. One day sooner, rather than later we need to talk about this and figure out what we’re willing to compromise or give up because I’m slowly learning that this world we move in is a place of arbitrations.
“And me telling you not to worry, is like you telling me not to worry about you.” So I will worry and fret because what you do is dangerous, but have -faith- in you. Even if I know that you will go into a burning, collapsing secret mountainside base.”
Stroking her hair, “I guess we’re both going to worry.” I think for a moment of what happened this afternoon. We were both caught off guard. “Earlier I lost my composure, faced with a man who could’ve bested me. I never truly believed he would have an interest in us. And you berated yourself for staying, thinking it showed a lack of faith in me. It’s true I would’ve gone into the burning mountainside,” I pull her close to me, “but I wouldn’t mind the woman who made a discernment between recklessness and prudence even at the cost of my pride.” After all the one who lives is the one who wins. That is one truth I know in this life.
You’re a man whose favorite meal is zaru soba, after all – what’s more simple than that?”
“I’ll have you know zaru soba is -not- that simple. Getting the Tsuyu just right and having the right amount of wasabi depending on the season is complicated and requires years of experience. And you can’t go saying that you’ve perfected it. That’s up for me to decide.” I grin.
She embraces me as she settles in my lap. -this- is my home.
“Well I’ll be. I never thought…” I wrap my arms across her waist. “It’s hard to have a home that keeps moving you know. We’re here today but who knows where we’ll be tomorrow, where the job will take me.”
Reveling in the kiss that’s freely given for a moment I want to take it a step further but I stay my hand that’s playing at the edges of her kimono. It’s now gotten late and I have a ladder to put up before I leave for the precinct. So regretfully I let her go.
“And I agree… I want to have a son,”
I have her face me, for a moment serious. “We’ll see which one we will have. I’m thinking it’s likely a daughter but maybe this one will be more lady like unlike our little Makoto, who seems to like activities made for boys and going around in a hakama like the Tanuki.”
“But if it is a son, I would be very happy to finally have one of each with you.”
I guess we’re both going to worry. Earlier I lost my composure, faced with a man who could’ve bested me. I never truly believed he would have an interest in us. And you berated yourself for staying, thinking it showed a lack of faith in me. It’s true I would’ve gone into the burning mountainside, but I wouldn’t mind the woman who made a discernment between recklessness and prudence even at the cost of my pride.
I touch his face, softly, and brush back his bangs to look into his golden eyes before he pulls me close. The caped man’s strength… I was so scared. Because unlike his student, this man would use his sword to kill – and for what? I’ve known men who used their swords for justice or for their own gain… and of course, I know of the one who just wanted to watch the world burn with him. But what drives him? Was it an attack of opportunity, or will he be relentless?
Well I’ll be. I never thought… It’s hard to have a home that keeps moving you know. We’re here today but who knows where we’ll be tomorrow, where the job will take me
I smile. “I remember the first time you pulled me into your lap and I fit you so well,” I say, nuzzling my cheek against his, “and then when we saw each other again, after so long, when all we could do is -look- at each other, this is right where I went… And yes, this ‘home’ moves, but I always seem to find it.” I enjoy our kiss, and feel his hand that tugs a little, but moves away… but it’s late already. He’s had a long day. We stole one afternoon recently, so we’ll find the time we need soon.
I’m thinking it’s likely a daughter but maybe this one will be more lady like unlike our little Makoto, who seems to like activities made for boys and going around in a hakama like the Tanuki
“Well we have some time to see if Makoto will be a Hidejiro-kun or a Hide-chan,” I tease. “But I’m glad that in this era, little girls can be lively and active and the clothes reflect it.” I think back to an old memory. “If we go to Kyoto next year, I’ll be able to get Makoto my first ‘lady’ hairpin that I wore for my Shichi-Go-San in time for hers.”
“And speaking of the children – I know we need to talk to her about what happened today, but sometime – could you take her and Tsutomu-kun to a place with turtles, if you know of one? Or at least fish? I’ve never explored much of Ueno Park, or if you need to take them further afield? Also we should tell Tsutomu-kun about his brother coming…” I’m surprised when I yawn. It was a long day. “Also – I was very proud of him – not just for the kendo tournament, but also for how he handled that man.”
“Thank you for this birthday – it may not have been the one we’d planned, and next year I won’t put it on myself to plan it all – but I was with you, and my family, and that’s the most important thing.” I give him one more kiss. I had many lonely birthdays, not that long ago.
I get up, off of my “home” reluctantly – and of course, a little slowly these days. “I’ll be up in the morning to see you off, and send you with a bento – after all, I still have to gain your stamp of perfection on soba.” I hold my hand out for him. “But for tonight, your fine pillow awaits.”
(OOC – You may close)
She’s quiet as we talk about that menace. It’s so obvious as she look into my eyes of her worry and something else, fear? But for now I let it go, knowing nothing can be solved in this room.
I remember the first time you pulled me into your lap and I fit you so well,”
“Mmm.. I thought you jumped into my lap.” And for a moment I remember my old name for her, “Neko-chan.”
Well we have some time to see if Makoto will be a Hidejiro-kun or a Hide-chan,”
I shake my head and disagree, “If girls, they should all be “Hide-chan” and be wearing pretty hairpins.”
She request that I take the children out. I don’t answer, I may not have time. But at least I’ll be sure to put that ladder up, so they can spend time there. She talks about Tsutomu handling the man, I think it may have been temporary, surely that Hiko will be back and since Tsutomu is his mother’s son… I can’t help but feel ill at ease. But I address her other request, “You can go ahead and tell Tsutomu about Tsuyoshi’s visit. I’m not sure what time I’ll be home.”
She thanks me for the birthday but it wasn’t much of a birthday. Next year I think we’ll plan better. And I follow her to bed. I’ll be getting up early.
(OOC: Close. Saitou will start a thread already at the precinct with Hide’s bento which I assume is zaru soba.)