Of course I’ve made plans for dinner tonight. Hopefully Tsutomu-kun will have something to celebrate, but
The builders damaged a part of the grass but that’s fine, it’s exactly what I need to have a place for a fire. Ayu are best when grilled outside. And of course, nagashi somen is only done outside. I smile – this will be Makoto’s introduction to it, and I wonder if anyone else has tried it? Ah well, it should be fun, even if Tsutomu-kun’s day doesn’t go as planned. I’ve not seen him practicing, and how would he have time with his job?
I look around – I know the builders left some rocks around from when they did the base of the addition. A few around the firepit would be nice to set a boundary.
It’s a busy day and it’s best not to let myself drift. No matter what sort of pretense we may use to protect our daughter… I smile a little. I -am- drifting, despite my best efforts. I suppose getting a firepit ready isn’t the most consuming thing.
(OOC – Hide is going around the garden, looking for rocks
Getting Ready for Dinner Before Breakfast
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Deciding it’s better I remind her just in case, “You really shouldn’t be loitering out here? You may hurt your foot since it -was- a construction area. What are you looking for? I’ll go find it.”
You really shouldn’t be loitering out here? You may hurt your foot since it -was- a construction area. What are you looking for? I’ll go find it.
“I’m getting things ready for tonight – I was going to set up a fire, here, for ayu,” I indicate the bare spot in the grass, “and I was looking for rocks to circle it with. And then this – ” I point to the bamboo tube, sawn lengthwise, “is for nagashi somen.” I smile, “the nice thing about having a summer birthday is that you can have it outdoors.” I indicate the rocks. “I could use your help – I’m a little slow bending down these days.” I pat my bump and grin.
“Ayu” I look at her, “That’s a lot of work, what with you having to scale and then skewer the fish one by one.”
I know she’s trying to take care of all of us, but having us fed should be good enough. Imagine going through lengths of finding a “sweet” fish.
is for nagashi somen.” “the nice thing about having a summer birthday is that you can have it outdoors.” “I could use your help – I’m a little slow bending down these days.”
I start looking for rocks and go over to a corner where there’s still a pile of leftover construction material. Just as I thought, they hid most of the rocks behind the leftover planks, which reminds me I have to put that ladder into place. Maybe I’ll do it before I go to Futaba this afternoon. Bringing the rocks over, I pile them first before going arond and making a circle on that spot of grass she pointed out.
“Well Hide, it is nice to dine outdoors but…” I sigh a little and take a short drag on my cigarette. “Maybe -I- should’ve planned this a little better and had us just go to a place. It’s your birthday after all.” Of course more than that, she did say she wasn’t able to move as much as she’d like to.
Ayu, That’s a lot of work, what with you having to scale and then skewer the fish one by one
I shrug, “I’ve done it before; it doesn’t take long.” I grin a little, “does your skill with the blade transfer over to the kitchen? Skewering fish isn’t quite like the gatotsu… or you can build and tend to the fire.” Even if Tsutomu-kun has those skills, I’m not sure if I like a fourteen year old with a fire…
I watch as he puts out the rocks as I direct, and it’s just right. I watch as he looks over at that ladder. “I can’t believe that Makoto hasn’t been trying to get up there – she’s been very excited,” I laugh.
Well Hide, it is nice to dine outdoors but… Maybe -I- should’ve planned this a little better and had us just go to a place. It’s your birthday after all.
I go over to him and take his hand. “Well… I -like- doing things for my family, and this is a big day for the children as well. I’m happy to share.” I look out at the garden, before saying, softly, “after all, there were many quiet birthdays in the time we were apart. I came every year on yours, to check, just in case…” I pick up his hand to kiss it, and lay my head against his arm. “Just being back with you, and our children, is what I wanted most of all.”
I don’t look at her as I arrange the rocks. “You’re missing the point. It’s not how long you do it, but that you should take it a little slower.”
“does your skill with the blade transfer over to the kitchen? Skewering fish isn’t quite like the gatotsu… or you can build and tend to the fire.”
“As long as it’s cutting something and not making it taste edible, I can do it.” I look at her, “And I would like you to not be near when I start the fire. Smoke can be strong when starting a fire.”
She takes my hand and insist that she likes doing things for the family. “I know you do, but maybe just for the next few months, take it easy?” I don’t know exactly what that entails but maybe I’ll have to take an accounting of what she tends to do on a daily basis before I go back to work.
I came every year on yours, to check, just in case. “Just being back with you, and our children, is what I wanted most of all.”
She holds my hand and lays against me while she tells me this. “Did you really?” I say quietly, “I wish you had said something.” I know how that sounded like but it wasn’t to blame her, but I just knew if she did I would come perhaps not that very moment but that I would eventually. Just like I promised her and myself a long time ago in the wilderness. “I just didn’t know if I had something to return back to.”
You’re missing the point. It’s not how long you do it, but that you should take it a little slower
I want to object and insist… but I know that what he says comes from his past… and from his love for me. “Alright,” I say, simply. “I’m not alone; I should lean on this family for support.” After all, it’s only, what, about ten weeks now?
I nod at his request that I’m not near the fire. After all, I’ll be getting the rest ready. With help.
I know you do, but maybe just for the next few months, take it easy?
“I will.” I look up at him, my eyes serious. “It’s -hard- for me though to not be the one taking care of others.” I smile, “I really will have to get Yukiko-san to perfect rice soon, then.” But she’s such a good young woman. She does fine with noodles. We can eat a lot of those. But what about when Namuzawa-sand and Tsuyoshi-kun come? That’s almost a month from now.
Did you really? I wish you had said something
“Well… I am a hopeful creature,” I smile softly up at him. “I hated not greeting you on your birthday, I was worried that you would think that I’d forgotten.” After all, it was his birthday, long ago… when we came together. But I was told to be “respectful” of someone else’s loss, and even my hopeful self had fears.
I just didn’t know if I had something to return back to
“You always will.” I turn to stand in front of him, still holding onto his hands. “I came when you called, didn’t I?” I’d kiss him again but who knows what eyes are on us? I grin a little, “even though I had to -wait- for you. But I’ve always said, you’re worth it, my love.”
“Good.” I look at her. Thankfully she’s not put up an argument.
“It’s -hard- for me though to not be the one taking care of others.” “I really will have to get Yukiko-san to perfect rice soon, then.”
“Well I didn’t so much mind it when it was just Makoto and I, but now you have even more in the house. Twice the normal number of people.” I puff a bit on the cig, “Fine, work with Yukiko but make it quick and when she’s done, no more -elaborate- cooking more than you have to.” My eyes narrow as I realize what she might end up doing when we even have more people in the house. “No special dishes or special treatment for Tsuyoshi or Namuzawa. Just -normal- -simple- everday dishes and if they don’t like it, they can -leave-.” Well maybe not Tsuyoshi…
We get to talk about that time apart. “I hated not greeting you on your birthday, I was worried that you would think that I’d forgotten.”
I simply nod. I did think she forgot which is why initially I asked the ahou to at least bring our story to an end. Of course I knew what the ending was but I wonder now that this place has continued, would it still end up the same? Would she make those choices? But it doesn’t matter.
“I came when you called, didn’t I?” “even though I had to -wait- for you. But I’ve always said, you’re worth it, my love.”
“What would you have done if I never came back?” I don’t know why I asked her this. There was that chance after all and the truth was, maybe it was more than just a chance. Maybe I should not have asked her that.
“Ah sumanai. Let’s not talk about this, it will be a busy day and we should get prepared after all I already asked Yukiko to take the children to school.” I look up and think they’re probably halfway there by now.
No special dishes or special treatment for Tsuyoshi or Namuzawa. Just -normal- -simple- everday dishes and if they don’t like it, they can -leave-.
He seems to read my mind… “of course. And children don’t like elaborate dishes anyway,” I smile. As I assume that the person who could leave would be Namuzawa-san….
What would you have done if I never came back?
I look out across the garden. “I don’t know. It surprised me… year after year that I still… existed.” I close my eyes. “It was a different sort of loneliness than I’d felt before. Sometimes I tried to prod the writer to work on something, but ah… it really wasn’t what I wanted.” I smile a little, and open my eyes to take him in. “Her version of you doesn’t do you justice.”
He says that we don’t need to talk about that, but it does appear that we’re finally alone, so I steal a quick, tender kiss. One that tells him that I’m glad to be with him.
“And as for this day… when we get to Futuba – do we go as a family? Or should I…” I trail off. I feel fairly anonymous at the gates, except for the members of the Himura family, but walking in with Hajime… people there know who he is, and who I am -not-.
It’s initially quiet as I posited my question and I thought she may not answer.
“I don’t know. It surprised me… year after year that I still… existed.”
I watch as she close her eyes. I suppose it’s true in a way I just expected things to disappear or end whichever were the same.
“It was a different sort of loneliness than I’d felt before.
She smiles a little and I reach out and hold her hand, while with the other I take a short drag, “I’m glad you did, continue to exist.” I smile a little at her but don’t tell her that mine was quite the opposite. That I stopped existing even with the new life that embattled author tried to bring or those “pictures”. “I’m not sure why I was brought back, perhaps just to ease someone’s burden of leaving things unfinished.” I knew of course the ahou wanted closure even to ours, or rather, at least to our story…
Sometimes I tried to prod the writer to work on something, but ah… it really wasn’t what I wanted.” . “Her version of you doesn’t do you justice.”
“Ah well we are burdened with keepers lacking in talent and skill.” I take a long drag at the cigarette, “Although for once I am glad of their limitation because if the ahou was half-way decent, maybe she’d find the end to our story after all.” I watch Hide’s face carefully, during that time I was seeing a vision of her but it wasn’t really her, she couldn’t even say one word to me but that made sense right, that one was a shadow.
We finally kiss, a proper one and I indulge in it and as it ended, I think to myself that a shadow could never deliver a kiss like that. Soft and with meaning. I’m glad she’s here. That somehow she existed, even if it was lonely for her. It wasn’t lonely for me, I was just a -void- and when I awoke and looked back there was nothing and so I agreed to end it but perhaps I couldn’t really? After all I had the question asked.
“And as for this day… when we get to Futuba – do we go as a family? Or should I…”
“I was thinking about letting you decide.” I let her go and think some more, “Initially I thought giving you that decision would be the right thing to do, but when I thought about it some more, I believe that only leaves you with all of the burden.”
I sigh, “So I’ll tell you what’s happened and what -I- think I want.” We’ve been standing a while so I take her back to a covered area close to the door and let her sit on a stray bench.
“When I went with the children last week to Futaba, I was speaking to Takimi about Tsutomu’s troubles at school. Takimi had needed a way to contact me since I never updated our home address and I gave this address, but as you know that and the rumors and issue with Makoto all but confirmed my “relations” with you and Makoto – but I did confirm Makoto is my child. He did not give me a hard time about it however reminded me that Tokio did have close associates in the school who will have at least animosity and those who did -not- like Tokio also may take advantage.”
I look at a faraway spot in our backyard. “He didn’t think the Uncle ruse should continue and I -agree- with him. Looking back now, in my time with Tokio and Yaso, I was not really living in -that- spirit of sincerity. If I had, I would’ve never agreed to Yaso’s plans and I would’ve not stayed with Tokio and tried to build that false life.” Glancing back at her, “I realized that my truest self came out again when I pursued you in spite of my lack of freedom. So it’s somewhat shameful I realize to keep living as if things are different from what they really are. Perhaps back in Ito I still believed I was unworthy, it was a painful parting after all.”
Of course a part of me still believes this but I push the thought aside. “I guess that’s a long winded way of saying going forwards, my want is for us to -not- pretend we’re strangers and our children is somebody elses children.” I touch her belly a little, I know now that I’ll never tell -this- child I was not it’s father. “That’s what I want. But as for what you want?” Tell me.
Ah well we are burdened with keepers lacking in talent and skill
But I suppose that’s what led us back here. His kiss is true and pure, and tells me what there’s not words for. It’s the memory of a thousand kisses and what they mean that made me go through all that time. “I remember how much I longed to hear your voice. And to hear your voice say my name.” I run my fingers down the side of his face. “There’s something in the way you say my name that still delights me.”
So I’ll tell you what’s happened and what -I- think I want.
He tells me of Takimi-sensei, and I nod. “He – and Yamaji-sensei seem committed to being true to the school’s mission – and I’m thankful for it.” I smile a little. “I didn’t get much in the way of formal education, and I feel the deficit now. I want better for Makoto.”
Ah, yes, the uncle ruse…
So it’s somewhat shameful I realize to keep living as if things are different from what they really are. Perhaps back in Ito I still believed I was unworthy, it was a painful parting after all.
I’m learning that his worthiness is another truth that he’s going to have to learn for himself, but -I- of course believe in him. Another soft kiss is all I need to convey it.
That’s what I want. But as for what you want?
“I want the same,” I say, softly. “If it’s known anyway, I think pretending only makes it worse… and we’re not living in the spirit of her name – nor our friends who she was named for.” He touches my belly and I hold his hand there, as the child moves around. It seems to like hearing his voice as well.
“He – and Yamaji-sensei seem committed to being true to the school’s mission – and I’m thankful for it.” “I didn’t get much in the way of formal education, and I feel the deficit now. I want better for Makoto.”
I suppose she was home schooled. Nodding I agree. “It would not be a good school otherwise. Did your father not allow -you- to go?” Her father seems to have had the means and her brothers seems well learned. She’s from a samurai family that I’m surprised by this but I don’t say anything. A housewife after all do not need too much training in the arts or sciences.
She doesn’t say anything about about that time in Ito. I suppose I should not have broached the subject. I’ll try again, maybe the second time will be better? But no this isn’t the second time I’ve floundered, there’s been at least 3… 4 if I count that one, but I let the thought go as I go back to smoking my cigarette.
“If it’s known anyway, I think pretending only makes it worse… and we’re not living in the spirit of her name – nor our friends who she was named for.”
“Well I wouldn’t want to live a life driven by what our friends would think.” After all, I’m sure a fair number of them wouldn’t agree with what has happened here, regardless of what Hide may think it is her nature to be blind to these things, or at least turn a blind eye to it.
“We’ll go together and be together. If they ask you can tell them I’m separated and we are living together.” That’s about the best that can be said, I stymie a sigh. “Though we will be discreet, we won’t tarry when it’s not needed – so when the tournament ends, we go home or elsewhere. Just like Takimi said, there’s no need to add fuel to the fire.”
It would not be a good school otherwise. Did your father not allow -you- to go?
I shrug a little. “The troubles in Kyoto started well before the Shinsengumi came to quell them – so the sort of educators a samurai family would turn to in those days for their daughters – scholarly widows or spinster ladies – were often withdrawn from Kyoto for their safety. I think I lost…” I look up, trying to recall, “three teachers… in a matter of a year or two. I learned to read and write, and figure, but not any of the more elegant arts – my ikebana is poor and I can’t compose poetry. And then my brothers were born, and both my mother and Tamebo had problems, so… well, I stepped more into a role in the household out of necessity. I needed figuring, but not poetry. The rest I picked up – I’m still picking up. Some of this ‘new’ kanji is rather difficult.” After all, I struggled with that newspaper the other week.
He’s quiet, then, after I left the “unworthy” comment go. Putting my hands on his chest… I know there’s still pain there. “You are -always- worthy of me. That you worry about it shows just how much you are.” I lay my head on his chest. “I remember what happened in Ito. I… hurt you badly. That I didn’t mean to isn’t the point. I did and for that…” I look up at him. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life, I told you, -showing- you what you are to me, and how worthy you are.” I slide my arms around him, laying my head in the place where I can hear his heart beating. It’s so strong. “My dearest love, my husband in every sense but the one on paper…” My embrace is fierce, as is the kiss I give him – one very much like the kiss from that night. I have my own fears in my heart, as well, for the other thing I did to him.
“And you know, when we next awoke… that’s when we made this little one. You know that after Makoto, that despite our -enthusiastic- efforts, it only seems to happen at certain times. When… something has been affirmed between us.” We’re close by to that spot in the garden, that afternoon of exquisite quietness and love and forgiveness… and the result of that afternoon now plays in that very spot.
He talks about how we can answer any questions, but this -is- Japan, and it will be more likely that we’ll be the subject of pointed looks and gossip the next day, although I’m probably rather naive on that point. Or perhaps the adults will remember that we’re all there for the children?
I stepped more into a role in the household out of necessity. I needed figuring, but not poetry. The rest I picked up – I’m still picking up. Some of this ‘new’ kanji is rather difficult
She seems dissatisfied? “What would you need to learn the new kanji for?” I look back at her, “You do well enough to run this house and I don’t think poetry is all that useful.” Of course poetry was written by Tokio back in the day but the allegory and symbolism were lost on me. I thought it was a rather coy way of expressing oneself and annoyed me somewhat that I had to keep guessing what that woman wanted. At least Hijikata’s poems were straightforward even if it didn’t quite “rhyme”.
You are -always- worthy of me. That you worry about it shows just how much you are.” “I remember what happened in Ito. I… hurt you badly. That I didn’t mean to isn’t the point.
She retraces back to a comment I made a few moments earlier. Was I that obvious? Besides, I do wonder if we’re even remembering the same event in Ito. For a moment I want to ask if we’re talking about the same thing but I don’t. I just can’t bring myself to say it. She embraces me and I embrace her back, that’s what we need after all. And we kiss for when we can’t talk but here we will try to reach each other one way or another.
You know that after Makoto, that despite our -enthusiastic- efforts, it only seems to happen at certain times. When… something has been affirmed between us.”
“Well although that’s true, you do know that in this world it was only 7 months before we had this one and that was with me ah not being myself. I think we could’ve done better had I not been an idiot.” I manage a grin. Of course there was that 6 years apart when she left for Ito and there was also that oddity of time in the “keepers” world but to me I only counted the time we were together again.
What would you need to learn the new kanji for? You do well enough to run this house and I don’t think poetry is all that useful
“When I was trying to follow your exploits – since Shindou-san tipped me off on the timing – I got the newspaper. I had to have Yukiko-san help me find the article.” But at least she had a good education. “And poems… and other arts,” I grin. “You know, I never liked ikebana. All of that ‘language of the flowers’ stuff – I just grow what I like.” I brush back a strand of his bangs. “Although I do like it when you’ve brought me red roses – -those- are fairly straightforward.” I laugh, “and then I have a rather -unexpected- talent for English, which has been useful, as your son and I both read detective stories.”
He’s quiet as I talk of old hurts, and I know this is another one that will take time. But we end with our arms around each other, sharing a kiss, and whatever it was I saw in his eyes there for a minute has passed. We’ve been able to -talk- more lately, for which I am glad.
Well although that’s true, you do know that in this world it was only 7 months before we had this one and that was with me ah not being myself. I think we could’ve done better had I not been an idiot.
“We were -both- idiots, at times.” I remember when he first came back, and it was only later that I found out, that a memory of mine – a -very- important one – had been traded away, and with that… a piece of me. A core bit of the hope that sustains me through the worst of everything. And the consequences rippled out… but I did get the second chance I had wanted, and that he still loved me? I guess he knew how to kindle hope in me, even as we -struggled-. “The way time runs…” I sigh, but then look up at him with a soft smile. “We’ve crossed time and space, out of wilderness and shadows, fumbling -often- but it’s always back to here,” I squeeze him a little with my arms, to mean together, and not a specific place. Although I love our home.
“When I was trying to follow your exploits – since Shindou-san tipped me off on the timing – I got the newspaper. I had to have Yukiko-san help me find the article.”
I look at her. “Follow my exploits?” I’m rather surprised but more than half glad that she would be interested in my job today. “There’d be hardly any news in the papers… But if you truly want, perhaps after the child is born you can take lessons, not only of the new kanji but how old metsukes tried to communicate which is what I used.” I laugh a little bit, “That telegram and animal code names was just a crude way to communicate to a lay person after all… ”
Obviously that “learning” would have to be in the precinct.” I wouldn’t mind seeing her more often at work. “I’m sure I can convince Kawaji.”
Our kiss ends and I’m glad for the privacy. Sending everyoe away sometimes is needed.
“We’ve crossed time and space, out of wilderness and shadows, fumbling -often- but it’s always back to here,”
I let my cigarette drop to the ground as she held me in her arms. Smirking I say, “Well you see I’ve been through many life and death battles and now I have a companion going through some “versions” of it.”
Finally I let her go. “If we keep talking like this, time -will- run out for us today. I still have all those chores that you assigned to me so the ladder for the treehouse will have to wait until tomorrow.” But the truth is, I know if I put up the ladder, the children will spend all their time in that treehouse and this afternoon we should spend it -together-. I wonder if Eiji will drop by…
Follow my exploits?
“I like knowing what you’re doing. Not because I’m nosy or want to interfere, but I’m truly interested,” I smile up at him. “And while hopefully cases in the future won’t involve people trying to come after me, I was glad to assist in the ways you asked – even if my brothers went overboard,” I then explain about the ‘tea’ ruse they used to share information. “I think Yamazaki-san told them a few too many tales as boys.”
But then he mentions me learning and my eyes light up. That my education was waylaid was not out of a lack of interest on my part, only circumstance, and to learn ways in which I could help. I laugh a little, “‘Mother Hen’ would be delighted.” And I would be able to see him at work.
Well you see I’ve been through many life and death battles and now I have a companion going through some “versions” of it
I have my own life or death battle coming up soon – even if I am healthy and the child well-positioned, that is what it is for a woman. I’ll convince the doctor -somehow- that I need to have this man by my side when it happens.
Hajime lets me go and makes a good point. “It’s been a good birthday morning. Although I’m going to need you to carry the bento.” I grin a little. “I packed it -well-.” I did pack for Eiji-san – I didn’t hear back but I made it clear that he should come at any point today.
(OOC – You may close)
I chuckle a little at the mention of Yamazaki. “They all thought the spies of the Shinsengumi went around being a “ninja” when in fact the most we did was pretend we were merchants or beggars.”
Then I look at her seriously, “I can’t control who will go after you, there are many who hated the Shinsengumi and now we’re together…” I sigh, “Hopefully that was all of it.” For a moment I regret not disposing of Mikisaburo.
She seems pleased to start learning. I’ll make sure to add that to my list and look into the background of the person she may need to associate with.
She’s quiet as I make a slight joke about going through life and death battles. Perhaps I should not have made light of it? There is something in the way her eyes suddenly seemed distant and troubled. But of what? There is nothing today that could threaten us unless it is something within ourselves. Perhaps just like… No. I’ll just have to observe her more.
“It’s been a good birthday morning. Although I’m going to need you to carry the bento.” “I packed it -well-.” I
“Of course leave it up to me.” I tell her and go inside to get started on scaling and skewering the fish she bought. I make note to myself to bring in some water for the well in case it’s needed for later.
(OOC: End)