Off to the Yagi – well, I suppose Yamaguchi house again. I think back to the last visit – the pup, the wolf and my patient. What a strange day that was! It also reminds me of a time, long ago, when a woman looked at me like she did him.
I bid farewell to Hironaka-san, who seems to be restored to some of her good humor. She’s a very capable nurse, I have no idea what got into her. I arrive at the house, and the young lady lets me in again, where I meet Yagi-san in the same room we were in last time – I’m still puzzled over that sofa.
No wolf this time? Ah well, I can get this going. She’s dressed in a yukata, as I requested. With ten weeks or so to go I need to make certain that she’s progressing as she should. And she needs to make an important decision about just how she’s going to have this baby. The note from her former doctor in Ito said that she had a difficult labor the last time, but that she was extremely melancholy. That doesn’t match up with the patient I have now, however.
“Well, Yagi-san, how have you been feeling?”
(OOC: The doctor and Hide are in the tatami room for whoever wants to join/overhear/whatever.)
The Visiting Doctor, Part II
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I hear voices in the tatami room and I’m surprised that there’s a guest. It’s the doctor. I wasn’t expecting him. And of course Hide is dressed in a Yukata, alone with him. I sigh a little knowing how this doctor likes to keep undressing her but I’ll be damned if I’m not there to supervise, so I invite myself in.
“Good to see you doctor.” I bow slightly and keep some distance away. I should let them proceed unhindered so I light up my cig and stand at the corner just looking. Well not at the doctor but at Hide of course.
Good to see you doctor
“Yes, good for you to be here, ” the doctor says. “Both mother and child are doing well.” He offers the funny horn to Hajime, “I’ve already had my listen, but ever since I got this fathers enjoy listening as well,” he chuckles.
He then puts his hands on my bump, pressing down slightly and quickly. “Good news is that the child is getting into a good position – head down, back out. The child could still move, but it’s getting ready.” He measures around my mid-section and nods. “I still say mid-September, but remember that the baby will come when they want to come, and second children can come a little early.”
“Now you two have a decision to make – I can arrange for you to give birth here, in your home, with a midwife and myself for support, or in our clinic, with the same support but we also have additional staff. Yagi-san’s age is a factor, but she’s in excellent health and spirits and the baby seems strong and is again, well-positioned for a typical birth, which leads me to support either decision. Some women like the comforts of home; others feel that our modern clinic can be a pleasant place too. However, if you wish to be present for the actual delivery, sir, we do not allow that in the clinic – you’ll have to wait and see them after it’s all over.” He looks over at me, “you had your first one at home, yes?”
I nod, but it was really a rooming house. And of course, it was not an easy birth, but that was a different time for me… I did provide the name of the doctor in Ito in order for him to get my history.
“Well, I’d like to see you make your decision in the next month or so for you to prepare either way.” He gathers his things back into his bag. “I will return in two weeks, and bring one of our midwives along with me. Eat well, stay active and you’ll do a good job come September.” He looks first at me, and then Hajime. “Any questions?”
(OOC – You may direct the doctor to exit)
I nod slightly, glad to hear that fact. Putting out my newly lit cigarette, I go for the horn that he offered and listen in. The sounds is not too different from the last time, so that must mean it’s fine right?
Getting out of the way of the doctor I watch him touch her belly and I stifle a sigh, reminding myself this is -necessary- for him to confirm what he just said, which was the child is getting in position. He seems uncertain on the dates now? Why can’t he tell with certainty? Now he’s saying the child can be early? No. I -don’t- want that.
“Now you two have a decision to make – I can arrange for you to give birth here, in your home, with a midwife and myself for support, or in our clinic, with the same support but we also have additional staff.
And then he tells me I can’t see both until it’s over. I remember both times Tokio had our children it was always in a government sanctioned hospital and I came after work to see mother and child. Having a more traditional childbirth, one that I can witness was not something we considered but now this doctor is telling Hide and I we have a choice? My eyes linger on Hide for a moment. She may have a prefernce but…
“Well, I’d like to see you make your decision in the next month or so for you to prepare either way.” “Any questions?”
“I’ll walk you out doctor.” I offer and he agrees. I have questions but I wait until we’re closer at the gates.
“Can you tell me doctor, how bad was her last delivery?” I ask. I know Hide had told me, but she’s not a doctor. “She had our child 6 years ago so…”
“And what makes you think our child may come early?” I can’t hide the concern in my voice. A child that comes early from an already frail would be mother is never good news. Of course Hide is not frail but it wouldn’t be good news either way.
Starting a new stick of tobacco I ask, “What is the safest option for Hide and the child?”
(OOC: Since Saitou took the doctor this way, Hide can have free reign in hearing this conversation or not. She won’t be caught unless she makes it very obvious.)
(Kobayashi)
He follows me outside, and I’m trying to remember his name. I don’t think he ever introduced himself – my patient calls him “Hajime” and my nurse “the wolf”, but either would be improper from me! Ah, right, the name out front – Yamaguchi. He looks a lot better than the last time I saw him, as if he’s actually had some sleep. Still, who are they, who can get such a level of police involvement?
He’s a rather intense man, but he watches her very carefully. I’ve seen many couples in my time, and I’ve been thinking of them since the last visit. It’s as if I wasn’t even there!
Can you tell me doctor, how bad was her last delivery?
“Mmm…” I try to remember everything in the letter – I don’t know the fellow but his tone was very judgmental, which is not the correct way to speak of a patient. “The doctor in Ito reported that she was in very low spirits – and seemed to lack the will to endure it, even though she was healthy. It wasn’t an unusually long labor for a first time, but she was fading. The other doctor said that at some point she started hallucinating, as if she were speaking to someone else, and that’s what made her fight. His reports postpartum indicate that she was rather depressed, even for a new mother. It seems she was alone,” I said, giving Yamaguchi-san a look. He said it was their child, after all. “But the woman who is my patient today seems to be of an entirely different disposition, so I’m not concerned in that regard.” I think back to some cases in the past, “That makes a world of difference.” She has a glow about her. What changed in six years?
And what makes you think our child may come early?
“When I say early, Yamaguchi-san, I mean only a week or so. Nothing more than that, I’d say, and the child will still be healthy if it comes then. But I’ve been doing this for a long time, and it seems that the first ones always seem to come a week later than we’d think, and the later ones a week early or so. My old mentor, Matsumoto Jun, always said that the baby knows when its ready to come, despite what us doctors say.” Although he’s doing medicine for the Army now, and has little time for such mundane things as bringing a new life into the world. I was already practicing medicine when we met, but his passion for embracing the new ideas and techniques that was coming in from the West was inspiring.
What is the safest option for Hide and the child?
“Home,” I say, simply. “I’ve established a good clinic but women always feel safer and more comfortable at home.” I give him a look, “and she seems like the type of woman who would want you there, but you have to be prepared – it’s a messy process.” I usually prefer the fathers to be in another room, but perhaps this one… he seems like a strong man. “The midwife will provide Yagi-san with a list of supplies she’ll need to prepare.”
“If you’ll excuse me, I need to make my next appointment. I’ll be back in two weeks, but there’s no need to decide now, it’s only the time to start considerations. We can keep an eye on mother and child until then.”
(OOC – Kobayashi will exit unless stopped)
(Hide)
I wait by the slightly open doors of the tatami room that lead to the engawa and hear some of the conversation. Of course he’s concerned, and he wants reassurances, and to know the facts. Stepping away, I start to get myself dressed again. My state of undress allows the doctor more access, after all, but now that it’s over I can present myself better – after all, we’re not alone in this house.
I listen as he recounts what the doctor from Ito said. Low spirits, lack of will and fading. It’s not too different from what I remember she told me but the tone is very different. Of course she’ll only tell me of how she pulled through it but gloss over the majority of it.
It seems she was alone,” And the doctor gives me a look. Of course he would, I wouldn’t deny my negligence. “I’m trying to do it right this time.” That’s all the re-assurance I can give him.
Nothing more than that, I’d say, and the child will still be healthy if it comes then. But I’ve been doing this for a long time, and it seems that the first ones always seem to come a week later than we’d think, and the later ones a week early or so. My old mentor, Matsumoto Jun, always said that the baby knows when its ready to come, despite what us doctors say.”
He dismisses my concerns about the child being pre-mature as something natural, a week behind. I’m surprised when he mentions a name, I haven’t heard that name in such a long time but I don’t say anything. So he’s still alive and they’re acquaintances? Matsumoto-san was an outstanding doctor, always tending to our injured when the fighting got heavy in Kyoto but then as we moved to Edo, he was asked by Hijikata-san to look after Souji and Kondou-san.
He tells me the safest option is home simply because the woman would feel safe, but is that all that’s needed?
and she seems like the type of woman who would want you there, but you have to be prepared – it’s a messy process.”
“I plan to be where she is.” I meet his eyes. I don’t necessarily understand why I’d be prohibited from entering the clinic, if I’m allowed to be with her if at home. That doesn’t make sense and if I have to force my way, I will. But we will see what Hide truly wants.
I don’t stop him as he leaves. Will everything truly be okay? She said she’s fine. He said she’s fine. I’ll have to observe and see.
I hang out under the treehouse. With the children at school, I observe it from below and plan to climb it before Eiji drops Tsutomu home.
Coming up to him, I step up on tip-toes and brush my lips against his. “There’s the kiss I promised you,” I say, and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head on his chest. “I know no matter what Kobayashi-sensei tells you, what I tell you, you will worry, and I understand. Just as I … know how -good- you are at what you do, I worry about you.” Gently, I run my hand across his chest, to the place where he came home with a new injury.
I look up at the treehouse. “Does it look sturdy enough?”
“Thanks for the kiss. I thought I’d have to send for a collector.” I grin.
I know no matter what Kobayashi-sensei tells you, what I tell you, you will worry, and I understand.
“Ah. So you heard huh?” Not waiting for an answer, I lead her around the base of the tree so I can look at another part of the tree house, to see how it’s held by the branches at the back. “I’m worried yes, but mostly because he said the child may come a little early. A week is probably fine, but a month, No.” I look at her for a long moment. Like when Tokio had our children, Hide looks -well-. I need to keep reminding myself this, that Hide is not weak. Funny I didn’t quite worry that much with Tokio and yet with Hide, I worry as much as I’m worrying back -then-, that I have to remind myself Hide is not sick nor frail.
“Does it look sturdy enough?” She ask taking me out of my thoughts.
Taking a second look, I reply. “From this vantage point, yes. But I’ll have to climb it before letting the children get up there.”
Done with the tree house for now, I lead her to the lone bench in the garden and have her sit. Sitting beside her I take light puffs on the cig.
“How did you ever find that doctor? He’s far from here and he seems to know a mutual acquaintance of ours.”
“I could tell you were worried, and it’s not hard in these Japanese houses, with all of the sliding doors to the outside.” I reach up and touch his face, my fingertips playing along his cheekbones, and to the cut that’s now finally healed. “So what do you think? About home versus the clinic?”
I’m worried yes, but mostly because he said the child may come a little early. A week is probably fine, but a month, No.
I nod. “I am as well… but if the doctor had concerns about it being a month instead of a week, he’d have me in bed, instead of insisting I remain active. That’s what my mother had to do.” For Yuubo, she was in bed for -most- of it, on doctor’s orders. I put my hand where the little one is growing, the child is moving a little but it’s having a quieter time right now – not pummeling its mother.
From this vantage point, yes. But I’ll have to climb it before letting the children get up there
I grin, “are you going to try the swing too? I plan on it as soon as I’ve recovered.” I know there’s no reason to risk it now.
How did you ever find that doctor? He’s far from here and he seems to know a mutual acquaintance of ours
I settle down with Hajime on the bench, holding his hand, sitting close. “I noticed one of the other mothers at the school, who waits at the gates, was expecting. She looks near to my age, and confirmed that Kobayashi-sensei takes good care of ‘older’ mothers.” I look up at him, “who does he know that we know?”
“So what do you think? About home versus the clinic?”
“Clinic.” I tell her truthfully, “The more people attending to you the better. Besides if something were to happen we won’t have to move you.”
I can’t help but keep comparing this time to when Tokio and I had Tsutomu but I don’t tell her this. She wouldn’t want to hear that I held Tokio’s hand -after- her childbirth. The attending nurses couldn’t get her to stop her screaming when she came to. They attributed it to the anesthesia and sleeping aids wearing off. Will Hide be stronger than Tokio? Will this child come to full term and not endanger it’s mother?
“I am as well… but if the doctor had concerns about it being a month instead of a week, he’d have me in bed, instead of insisting I remain active. That’s what my mother had to do.”
She’s right about the doctor. I nod but also noted to myself that her mother had issues. “What was the condition of your mother? There is quite an age difference between you and your brothers.” I ignore the talk about the tree house. I’ll take care of that in time. This is much more important.
I noticed one of the other mothers at the school, who waits at the gates, was expecting. She looks near to my age, and confirmed that Kobayashi-sensei takes good care of ‘older’ mothers.” “who does he know that we know?”
Ah… I figured she came to Kobayashi on the advise of Matsumoto or someone related close to him. “Matsumoto sensei. Remember him?” She should, after all didn’t she go to Edo to take care of him?
“But I want you with me,” I say in a quiet voice, and squeeze his hand. “I’m not afraid. Not after last time. I just want to share this with you. I want you to see our child… the first time they open their eyes… to hold them for the first time.” It’s so selfish, I -know-. But after the last time… then I wonder, was he there when Tokio had his sons?
What was the condition of your mother? There is quite an age difference between you and your brothers
“She… from what I understand, the things she told me, my grandmother told me, and what she told Hanako-san, that she always had women’s issues. There were a total of four losses – at least those that happened after she received her maternity obi. Some were earlier. But that’s why my grandmother – her mother – came to live with us. By the time she got to her last two pregnancies – the ones where she had my brothers – she spent most of her time in bedrest.” I look up. “And when I reached womanhood… it seemed that I didn’t inherit her issues.” I was overall a very healthy child, which continues on today.
Matsumoto sensei. Remember him?
“Really? I know that he was a big proponent of Western medicine. I’ve not seen him since he left Kyoto with Souji, but my brothers heard that he’s involved with the Army now, setting up their medical corps.” Kobayashi-sensei has a similar unflappable nature, which may explain why they worked together.
I almost groan at this. I -knew- what her answer would be. She’s sentimental. She’s a woman after all. I look at her wanting to grant her wish as she squeezes my hand. But wouldn’t giving into her be the easy way? Is it wise? I don’t give her an answer.
There were a total of four losses – at least those that happened after she received her maternity obi. Some were earlier. But that’s why my grandmother – her mother – came to live with us.
Why did I ask? Because I already knew just knowing their ages but I wanted to hear it was wrong. Perhaps her father went off to join some war but no. It’s -this-.
And when I reached womanhood… it seemed that I didn’t inherit her issues.” Again she tries to re-assure me but can Hide’s judgment be trusted?
She means a lot to me and the last time I said yes to a woman’s wishes and trusted her judgment, I lost her. I take a long drag. “I’ll think about it.” Or find a way around it.
I’ve not seen him since he left Kyoto with Souji, but my brothers heard that he’s involved with the Army now, setting up their medical corps.”
I nod and look at her. If she’s not seen Matsumoto-san since then… I had always assumed she followed him, cared for him till his death. But it’s inappropriate to ask her more, I’ll come off like a jealous fool which I am. After all I asked her about Matsumoto thinking she was hiding something. After all what were the chances her new doctor would be related to Matsumoto-san?
I’ll think about it
He’s just -quiet- as I talk, and I recall something that was said recently.
“Your niece told me of the Yamaguchi curse. It’s something along the lines of… that you hate the quiet but are quiet yourselves. That you don’t say what you’re thinking.” I put my hands on his shoulders, to have him -look- at me. “You’re being -too- quiet.”
Almost in a whisper, I say, “tell me… something is scaring you beyond just possibilities. What… what happened to someone else? Did Tokio have a hard time? Your mother?” I think of one more name, one more possibility. “Yaso?” I know so little of her, of that time. But it’s possible, they could have…?
“I know… it’s my body and I went through this before and yes, I did terribly the last time. It’s different this time… I have a lot to come home for.” I lean my forehead against his. “It’s -right- to be afraid. I want us to make the -right- choice. I am a hopeful creature but when it comes to my life, I will be sensible.” I try to catch his eyes. “I’m not glossing it over. A mother’s fate is not her daughters – neither of us have Obaasan’s weak heart.” I stroke his hair. “And I’ve no doubt that despite what Kobayashi-sensei -says- about the clinic, you’ll find your way in.” Now it’s me who looks away. “I just don’t want to be alone again. I don’t want to take something from you again. And if I need you… to give me strength, I’ll have you actually with me.” I laugh shakily. “You’re always better in reality than in my dreams, after all.”
Hajime:
Your niece told me of the Yamaguchi curse. “You’re being -too- quiet.”
What Yamaguchi curse? I just don’t like the quiet that’s all. I think to myself and puff on the cigarette. But she places a hand on my shoulder and I’m pulled from my thoughts again and look to her sitting by my side.
“tell me… something is scaring you beyond just possibilities. What… what happened to someone else? Did Tokio have a hard time? Your mother?”
I? Scared? Of course I’m not scared. Why would she think that? “Tokio did not have a hard time during childbirth, per the Doctor. She had trouble after, which puzzled most of the staff but she tended to calm down after some attention.” I sigh a little at that but continue, “As for my mother, she was a very strong woman and raised her three children as our father died unexpectedly.” I smile a little at the thought of mother. No one asks about her anymore.
”“Yaso?”
“Yaso was..” I still don’t know how to answer that and I search for words… I don’t like particularly speaking about Yaso, especially to Hide. Tokio I could honestly tell Hide the truth but as for the one I left in Gonohe many years ago. Would Hide even understand?
But she places her forehead against mine and tells me of how she’s feeling and her wants and about not wanting to take something from me. And she gives off that laugh, but it doesn’t escape me how shaky it is.
Kinosuke:
Coming through the gates, I just came back from checking in on a couple of associates who owed me money. It’s really difficult sometimes when people don’t keep to their word! They’re now late by 6 months and I’m going to have to find someone to help me… I wonder if Yamaguchi-san, rather Fujita-san would? After all he’s the police! Once I’m done with all these lending issues, maybe then I can pay more attention to Yukiko, she’s been avoiding me lately or perhaps I’ve just been busy.
I see him in the garden with Yagi-san. How lucky!
Raising my hand I wave to both of them.
“Yamaguchi-san! Good afternoon!” I come over quickly, “And you too Yagi-san you’re looking well today!”
He gives me a look as if I’ve just interrupted something. Well what’s done is done right?
He speaks of Tokio, but then, at his mother… a smile. A strong woman… I wish I had known his parents, his brother, his sister. In Yukiko-san there must be some of that strong woman.
But as he starts to talk about Yaso… we each have chapters in our past which seem forbidden. Maybe, he’ll finally…
Instead, Kinosuke-san.
We were having a much needed conversation and now the moment is -lost-. I take in a sharp breath as I blink rapidly, and look to the ground, and mutter something about not having our space.
And you too Yagi-san you’re looking well today!
“Yes. Well, thank you.” I stand. “If you’ll both excuse me,” I say. Every moment like this lost… When we can’t talk it goes -badly- and I don’t need that right now. Not when… not when I need to assure him that I am fine by being actually fine. But he’ll probably draw the wrong conclusion and since he’s going out tonight, it will do nothing but fester. Great. I see the annoyed look on Hajime’s face.
“I need to go fetch Makoto-chan from school.” It’s at least an hour early but what does it matter? I just need to get away from our houseguest who cannot read a room for the life of him.
I don’t bother to get Yukiko-san; I’ll go out on my own.
(OOC – Hide exits the house unless stopped. She is visibly upset.)
It happened quickly.
I at a lost as what to tell her about Yaso, almost -glad- to be saved by unexpected company.
But then she ends up being visibly upset and bringing up -that- other place we used to move in or still do?
So the truth was that he was an intruder and I’ve upset her as she flew away from her seat with the excuse of fetching Makoto. Yet she heads for the gates alone.
“Kinosuke. Go inside.” I tell him gruffly. “If you need something from me, wait there.”
He just stands there and I’m going to lose Hide… And why is she going out alone? What if? NO!
“Get Inside! NOW!” I tell him and I won’t tell him a third time.
He stammers an “OK” and leaves just as Hide closes the gates. I should be able to catch up to her. She can’t leave like this. I don’t want her meeting with an accident or whatever else that’s going through my mind right now.
“Hide! Wait!” I shout and catch up to her as she makes the corner. “Don’t leave.”
Don’t leave – me-.
Hide! Wait! Don’t leave.
Is that? I stop in my tracks, and turn around.
“Hajime?”
“Don’t just leave like that.” I tell her quietly, “And don’t leave upset.”
I’ve patrolled this area many times, so I lead her to a smaller path, taking us down a small alley that led closer to a small tributary that fed the Sumida.
“I know it’s hard these days, not being able to talk like we used to.” I finally found what I was looking a quiet side street with only a couple of children playing by the stream. “I can’t just tell you what’s on my mind. It’s difficult. And when you ask such sweeping questions not meaning to intrude or wanting me to give freely…” I light a cigarette, “I wouldn’t know the first thing to tell you about her…”
I take a few long puffs, “With Tokio when we had our children I was -glad-. I was never worried because everything was easy and provided for us by way of Teru and Matsudaira just as they promised.”
“Save for her spoiled and sometimes childish attitude, Tokio was always a strong woman. I didn’t have to work hard at it, compared to my life with Yaso in Gonohe.” For a moment flashes of my life returned in that barren wasteland but I remember where I’m at today and I push images of Yaso and a broken sword from my mind.
“Tokio and I were to be the model family from the Aizu clan. She doing the noble job of a teacher, while I was the example of how a former Bakufu loyalist, a Shinsengumi and Aizu Captain has successfully transitioned his life and now serve the Meiji government.” I almost balk at this, “That was the plan of the Aizu clan and why such high ranking people of Aizu were the go-betweens.”
I snort, “Of course after the Matsudaira house was forced to have a puppet child installed as it’s leader, then their sponsorship of the Fujita house ended.” In a way I am glad that the ruse stopped – otherwise would I still be with Tokio today, fulfilling that role even if it was what I had promised?
It’s then that I realized that I’m still dancing around Yaso. Eventhough I told Hide all the workings of the clan, I still couldn’t tell her one thing about Yaso. But what would she want to know? Just like her talk of Souji always grated at me, I can’t speak freely of Yaso to the woman I love today. It would only hurt her. I sigh and look at her. Does she know how much she means to me? I can’t lose her.
“So don’t go running off. Do you know how worried I’d be knowing you went without a chaperone? That’s the only reason why I’ve been keeping people in the house.”
(OOC: the side street)
He admonishes me and I look down. “I’m sorry. Our home is meant to be our sanctuary. It upset me… Kinosuke-san has eavesdropped on me in the past and I felt our privacy had been broken at a -bad- moment.” He then leads me to an unexpected little street, a place of cool green trees and running water in the middle of the city. Children play… “Makoto would like this place. She loves rivers,” I say quietly.
I know it’s hard these days, not being able to talk like we used to. I can’t just tell you what’s on my mind. It’s difficult. And when you ask such sweeping questions not meaning to intrude or wanting me to give freely… I wouldn’t know the first thing to tell you about her…
“I know we can’t use our space as we used to… going out for dates in improbable places and leaving this world to be stuck… but I want to make sure that we can still dream, see the blue sky. And yes, I miss the privacy.” I grin a little. “Poor sofa-san, it will have to be content with simply being sat upon.”
“If you ever -want- to talk about her… I don’t mind. Not at all.” I smile a little. “I am jealous of her in that she had a piece of you, that she was there to support you… But I’m glad she was there. I was often burning with jealousy of Tokio only because, early on, I thought she would come to her senses and be the wife you needed and I would have to let you go.” I lead him over to a bench, sitting next to him. “I won’t pry, but please understand – anything you ever want to tell me, I want to hear it.” I don’t know if he’ll ever be there with regards Souji, but that’s why I’m committing my memories to paper. “But if something about your past weighs on you now – weighs on us – please tell me. I know that I can’t always reassure you… but understanding may help.” After all, Yaso’s ghost lingered over us in Aizu – for Akane-san, it was still something painful, unsettled. But the old man… he seemed more at peace with her.
“I know you want to do what’s best, and safe, for us when my time comes.” I kiss the palm on his hand, and put that hand on my stomach, and he’s rewarded with a bump from the child. “After all, I am, as you said, the love of your life,” I smile softly, remembering the note. “Next time the doctor comes, let’s push back against this ‘no fathers’ rule in the clinic. I can do it alone if I must, for the best setting for me and our child, but I don’t want you to be a dream this time.” And it’s not just for my sake – I want him there to experience it all as we bring more love into the family.
He then tells me some of his life with Tokio, instead of Yaso. But it still provides me insight. “A model family? I suppose on paper you were well matched, but the reality…?” I sigh. Even though it lead him to me and the life we share now, I hate what he had to endure. I put my other arm around him and lean against him. I had been told, long ago, how -perfect-, how -ideal- she was. Perhaps, in her breeding, education, connections. But in other ways? I’m hardly perfect myself… But if she believed that they were a model family, and passed that down to her eldest…
So don’t go running off. Do you know how worried I’d be knowing you went without a chaperone? That’s the only reason why I’ve been keeping people in the house.
“I don’t want you to worry, and I apologize. I’m old enough,” I smile a little, “and sensible enough to know that I shouldn’t go out alone. I reacted poorly.” Leaning my head against his arm, I look up into his eyes. “And I can handle having extra people in the house, so you know that I’m protected.” I know he’ll have to go back to work soon, and the last thing I want is to distract him with worry about me misbehaving.
“I’m sorry. Our home is meant to be our sanctuary. It upset me… Kinosuke-san has eavesdropped on me in the past and I felt our privacy had been broken at a -bad- moment.”
I’m surprised. Why was Kinosuke eavesdropping? Did I choose the wrong people in the house? But there was very little choice. I’ll have to find more about that soon but not right now, until we resolve this issue that I’ve caused by being quiet.
“I know we can’t use our space as we used to… but I want to make sure that we can still dream, see the blue sky.
“Blue skies huh?” I let out low chuckle, “That used to be my line.”
“If you ever -want- to talk about her… I don’t mind. Not at all.” “I am jealous of her in that she had a piece of you, that she was there to support you… But I’m glad she was there. I was often burning with jealousy of Tokio only because, early on, I thought she would come to her senses and be the wife you needed and I would have to let you go.”
I don’t know what to say about talking about Yaso but I do know a little about jealousy. “I would be worried if you didn’t care enough to be jealous. After all, when I was going home to Tokio late at night after seeing you, do you think she cared at that point? A jealous woman would’ve waited up and nagged at her husband, not have closed all the lights and locked the door so he couldn’t get inside.” Taking a short drag on my cigarette I add, “And I’d never let you go, if you ended up with a husband or Ito or if Souji ended up appearing on our doorstep today.” A part of me still fears that, that he or his surrogate would show up, like he always does.
“But if something about your past weighs on you now – weighs on us – please tell me. I know that I can’t always reassure you… but understanding may help.”
She still presses on and I know I can’t leave it like this like I always have. That’s been the problem with my son right? I chose to let it linger, even ignored the issues as if it will just go away on it’s own?
“I loved her.” I blink, I haven’t said that out loud to anyone after leaving Gonohe. “You can say I’m here now, working with the Meiji government because of a promise I made to her a long time ago.” Even up to now, I’m still questioning if I should tell Hide anymore. I still remember so vividly how hurt I was when she told me about Souji and how everything she was today, being the hopeful creature was everything she learned from him.
“After Aizu fell I did not surrender to the New Government army and I had tried to follow Hijikata-san to Hakodate. But having no means to cross the Tsugaru straight, I was eventually captured and sent to penitentiary. I had become a very different man than the one you met in Mibu.” For a moment I think about that fallen monk Anji, who is still doing penitence in a prison up North.
I look at her, “You would not recognize me. I had waged small wars up North when I was released. Joining small militias while I pretended to live peacefully in that new settlement called Gonohe. My name was Ichonose Denpachi back then and I took a wife, Shinoda Yaso the daughter of a Shizoku whose father and older brother Tatsuo was killed in Aizu. She had a little brother named Naito and she was adopted by Ueda-sama.”
Looking away, I stop for a moment and take longer puffs on my cigarette. I need to finish this story so we can move on. I don’t want to repeat this story ever again.
“She was never in good health and there was always some disease circling around in that village. We were starving… We had no tools and used our swords to dig into the ground while the women used their hands. The only thing that would grow in that land were tubers, sweet potato.”
I shake my head and -try- to get to the point, “She found out I was somewhat of a loose canon, when I went home one time, saying we needed to leave. That the authorities would be coming soon to interrogate the village. She refused and the women of the village realized what had been happening to the men and kept our secret and covered for us. The New Government in order to punish the village cut off it’s meager “food donations”, really they were starving us.”
I grit my teeth and hold my head with one hand, “That’s when Matsudaira had appealed to the Meiji and started coming to Gonohe. I had known him and served him during his visits and started being the bodyguard for Teru. Things improved and she and I finally was expecting our first child. I was happy. It was a hard life but I could live in it.”
“But I told you there were workings in the clan and Yaso had always despaired about an event in Aizu. One where they had asked her to take her life to follow her brother and father but she refused. So when they came… And told her that she needed to step aside so Tokio and I can start a life in Tokyo, she had already made up her mind even if we were well on our way with our child.”
If only I hadn’t given in. That child could’ve been ours, Tatsuo named after her brother who died if a boy and Masu named after my mother if a girl. “She told me, I must go to Tokyo for the sake of the clan, so they can have a path but more important for our child that is a child of the Meiji.”
I’m done. I told her the most I could possibly say. I can feel my face go taunt and all I can do is stare out at slow stream, hoping my face isn’t betraying the now raging tempest. I wish I had sake somewhere but it’s the afternoon. There’ll be sake later.
She tells me of being sensible and that she’ll take care. “Thank you. That’s all I can ask of you.”
And I’d never let you go, if you ended up with a husband or Ito or if Souji ended up appearing on our doorstep today
“In Ito I would never settle, I told you that then.” I kiss his cheek. I certainly had offers – some legitimate, others with ill intentions who saw a single, friendless mother as easy prey. “Sometimes I wish Souji would actually appear, then I could stand in front of you, in front of Souji, and thank Souji for the past, but declare that -you- are my choice. Now and forever… you hold my heart.” Would that stop him from feeling what he does when it comes to Souji?
Finally… the story comes out.
I loved her. You can say I’m here now, working with the Meiji government because of a promise I made to her a long time ago
“Then I owe her, as well,” I say, quietly. I’m not jealous, I’m grateful to a woman who was able to reach him at his darkest – he speaks of prison, disease, starvation…
He speaks of what they went through in Gonohe, what was done to them. I know the Meiji government could be ruthless, but starving a village of innocent women and children?
As he talks… there was a child. I was happy. It was a hard life but I could live in it. And then they came – why was Tokio so important? To ruin another family’s happiness in an attempt to make a showcase family for the new era? Did she know? If so, why was she held up to me as such a paragon? I may have taken up with a married man but I was under no illusions. I could say, though, that I was taking a man from a broken home and helping him find what he actually needed… and certainly not a “model Meiji” facade.
He seems remote again, lost to this other world. I get off of the bench, kneeling in front of him, looking at the face that shows nothing but tells -me- everything. “Thank you for telling me. We have our present together, and our future. We share some of the past, but for the times our paths went elsewhere…” I put both of my hands on the side of his face. “I understand more.” I move my hands from his face to his shoulders, and draw him close to me. I don’t have words for the tale of sorrow and sadness, I can only hold him and offer that comfort that we find in each other. I hate it that I made him tell it, but we can’t move forward with it forever left unspoken.
She kisses my cheek but I don’t move. I simply say, “I don’t. Knowing you as a loyal and hopeful creature you wouldn’t be able to make the choice.” And I’d have to make that choice for her. Better me to shoulder that burden than her, after all that’s been the story I’ve seen over and over again in all places.
“Then I owe her, as well,”
Shaking my head slowly I don’t look at Hide but tap the ashes that’s now gone very long. Apparently I haven’t been paying much attention to the tobacco. “She wouldn’t want that.” It was never about owing someone, but something given freely. Something I didn’t recognize again until I met Hide. It’s unfair of course the one thing I knew Yaso would want, I had refused Ueda-sama, in the end refusing her. To this day I wonder, how did she live her life when we parted and how did it end? All I have is an old tenugui that she wore, sent to me with a note that she had passed.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice Hide was already kneeling in front of me, her hand on my face.
“Thank you for telling me. We have our present together, and our future. We share some of the past, but for the times our paths went elsewhere…” “I understand more.”
Does she? I try to meet her eyes but it’s difficult to hold her gaze knowing she may read too much. I flick my cigarette away instead as she holds me close. I stare at the running water and blink, taking a deep breath, I finally clear my throat. “Let’s go. Or you’ll be late for Makoto.”
I help her up.
(OOC: You may close. Saitou will speak no more.)
He’ll always doubt me. As if I don’t know my own heart… but he names two things that I know are my strengths. Can I not be loyal and hopeful and be able to find something else? Or does that make me fickle? In his eyes, probably, which is why he’ll always doubt me. If he thinks that I could throw over Souji so easily, then I could do the same to him.
I need to find her. Perhaps she has some answer, something, I could present to Hajime to let him know that I’m true to my past but also true to him. It’s been a long time since I’ve looked for her, but it may be for nothing – there probably is no way to convince Hajime when it comes to this topic.
She wouldn’t want that.
“Of course not. But I am thankful.”
He won’t meet my eyes for too long and I know that I made him reveal parts of his past that he would rather not revisit, and the deep breath, the clearing of the throat… confirms as much. I squeeze him before I release him to get up. At least I know a little more now of why my pregnancies affect him so, and Tokio’s did not. I loved her.
Let’s go. Or you’ll be late for Makoto
I nod, keeping his hand in mine.
(OOC: Close)