It was needed. For many years I was laid asleep, occasionally waking to see the world pass by. Too fast in some regards. Watching the ahou wail as the time passed and only being slightly aware that there was a life that slowly slipped away from me with the passage of time. I was not awake enough to bemoan it’s slipping away. I suppose this is how it feels to be half dead or in a long daze always on the verge of waking but being put back to sleep.
Finally, I gathered enough consciousness to comprehend what’s truly happened and what must be done. I sat in the room with the ahou again, knowing that I should be angry but right now all I can feel is a certain numbness but clear in the realization of what must be done. It was always unproductive to argue with the ahou. I need her help. “You there…” I say as I draw on my cigarette. “I called you here to write.” She asks how I got free of my “bindings” but I ignore the question. I can feel the heaviness of my eyes as I fight them not to droop.
“There were many loose ends.” I look at her, “But I understand what happened.” She bows and sighs, mumbling something like an apology. I wave it aside. “I need you to finish these.”
I threw her a list. A list of the people I knew, the people she may have known, the future that I have known for many years. A fate reserved for myself and who is to be my wife. For a moment, I hear a voice of a man who held his beads. Who could see into the future and told with frightening accuracy dates and names. I silence him. There’s no need to say anything about what he knew. I already knew how it was to end. In a way I could’ve been content with this. But I knew all too well the deceit we conjure for ourselves when they are not written in stone and I doubt she would know or worst may not understand.
The ahou tells me -she- would know. That my intentions even when I did not remember her was always clear. What I would say, how I would feel and what I would do -eventually-. In that, she tells me I am honest. After a few puffs I look back at the ahou. There is truth to this, while in this space what is true about me with regards to her has always been sincere.
“So as you see Saitou-san it’s not necessary.” She smiles. That’s the first time I truly heard her speak.
I’m quiet. Truly quiet. But then I remember. “But you yourself, even if you knew, even when you saw. You wanted closure.” I will not fall in this trap. I saw how the ahou lamented for many years and forgot the signs, the truth. Questioning what she already knew and was irrevocable but she had lost her mind and mangled the truth in her head. That shall not happen here.
My head snaps back at her, suddenly I remembered the reason why I was put asleep. It was right around that time I was put asleep by the ahou. I was about to confront the ahou but as I stare back she whispered “You were only made of the good things.”
She turns away, “OK Saitou-san. We will do it your way.” She reviews the names and sigh a bit. I know it’s an exercise of futility but we were always like that, going against the times to meet our future whatever that maybe head-on. To live the best way we can.
“This will take a long time.” She complains.
“We’ve got all the time in the world.” I smirk, “Get going.”