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2 thoughts on “…”

1. No debt was paid no dowry to be gained
   No treaty over border land or power
   No semblance of the world outside remained
   To stain the beauty of this nuptial hour
   The secret marriage vow is never spoken
   The secret marriage never can be broken
   That is a very nice song Hide-san. I’m surprised you know of it.
   I never thought I was taking anything.
   How can you take what someone has cast aside?
   Why was it wrong to love someone that someone else turned her back on?
   Morality?EUR? right and wrong?EUR? that?EUR(TM)s what?EUR(TM)s in the balance here? It?EUR(TM)s easier for me.
   I am bound to no history and very little canon. The point of my creation, before you, was?EUR? what happened to the girl left crying under the sakura? When I was deemed unsuitable, I went to the shadows, let my gentle sister go to that place?EUR? and while in the shadows, I met a man whose wife forgot him, later even his own birthday. While his friends celebrated?EUR? all he wanted was a word from her. And he got me, instead.
   I’ve noticed you seem to be drifting… Writing sometimes to myself or to yourself or to him. You don’t want to be misunderstood don’t you? *grins* I do not know that story of yours, the only sakura story I’ve been told in passing about is the one with the music box. Is that other sakura story something you told him? If not perhaps it’s time to. I don’t know how he will take it however since he seems to not like your sister. I think you know the reason why. But rest assured it’s nothing as strong as hate, even if he might say so. It is if I were to guess… “Sadness” that is misplaced. Also you seem to berate yourself in that last sentence. He does not feel that you are inferior however you’ll have to forgive him for confusing the two of you. Honestly, your few meetings in the beginning he had thought you were one and the same. It was not after your writer kept insisting that you were “OOC” and she “IC” that things got complicated because well he really did think you were one. I know this to be true because he did have feelings for you both, well not -both-, just you. But I think that time you were upset and asked if he had feelings for IC Hide? You were so upset he had to at least open the possibility for it. It was a concept that took a long time for him to figure out because he talked to only a “Hide” and there was only one of himself. You might be wondering when did he truly accept this? It was the time when you went to Tokyo to find him again drunk and kept calling you Hidejiro. He was quite upset that he toyed with “what if”. Remember he tried to ummm… “jump” you then? And you thought he had forgotten you, in fact he didn’t. His memory was intact until the moment you pushed him away and he started gagging. I kept hoping you’d accept his advances because really who is the idiot who can’t keep his hands off you? It is a weird way to ask forgiveness but that’s how he did it, because he was so tired of himself. Since you couldn’t recognize him at his worst, he thought he was unredeemable, so not find the forgiveness he seeked, he chose penance instead to be somewhat worthy to go back to you. I’m telling you this not to accuse you of anything, but it’s something you need to know I think because he’ll never tell you this.
   I thought what we had went beyond formal bonds. When he called me his wife that made me so happy?EUR? it was like the unspoken had become real. I wanted to be his woman in every sense. I was with him because we wanted to be together. There was nothing to be gained, no advancement or prize?EUR? except each other.
   It’s funny because the first time he called you that was to someone else. He liked the way it sounded, so he repeats it often. Maybe not as often as he’d like, you see he doesn’t quite like a “secret marriage”. He’d rather have a real one instead… He likes to say it but it kind of pains him to say it. He’s always been that way, he hates to pretend but he will for you I think.
   Perhaps this would all be better, were I to take the blame. I will. He?EUR(TM)s such a good man. A ?EUR“wonderful- man, who has spent his life in pursuit of something greater. I never once thought I came first. Even if I had never loved him, I would admire him so. Or maybe if I had just ?EUR“become- her, like a thief in the night taken her name and place?EUR? no. One of the bonds we have is my tie to his past. She does not have that. More than any other woman, I knew his friends. They were mine too. I can?EUR(TM)t trade them for being her. I can only be myself.
   No pictures or claim I lay here gives me any bearing on the outside world. Her name will be next to hers when all is said and done. She is the one who has ?EUR“rights-. But the one my sister knew, who cared more for her own strangeness than in being a good wife and companion – I won?EUR(TM)t forgive her, no mater who she is. She hurt you and never felt bad for it, and made you feel to blame when you tried so hard?EUR? The real one? I didn?EUR(TM)t take anything from her. There?EUR(TM)s nothing I can take. I love the man that the one she knows inspired. One cannot steal a dream that belonged to someone else. I never felt betrayed, myself, that in those books that man in the photograph had another name next to his. He?EUR(TM)s only the?EUR? ancestor, in a way. I only denied what others did in her name. The poor woman?EUR? her name was used and she became a victim to others crass agendas. It is a fool who thinks that you would cower before a broom-wielding harridan, or be made to look a fool by someone with clever friends.
   Don’t misunderstand. The problems he has now is not because of you not being Tokio. In fact that is probably -my- problem not his. Although I do not wish you to be Tokio because I do hate Tokio. Whatever form she is. My anger with her lies deeper than what you say, although I will admit it has less credibility. If you were to become Tokio it would probably better for myself (in the outside world) but it won’t be for him. He does not want you to be Tokio. Tokio is… a woman he’s left behind. You see since time has not really moved in SO, you are not privee to what has transpired before he met you again. Didn’t you ever ask him why he’s no longer living with them? I know you already know the Fujita’s moved to Aizu and his refusal to let Tsuyoshi be adopted… But you probably should ask why he lives at the machiya now. Even if he does not answer, which he might not, it is important.
   But I never wished for you, or your writer, to hate her. That she treated you badly, that she came not to deserve you ?EUR“ that was her own tragedy. In that?EUR? sometimes, I felt bad for her. *smiles softly* She had no idea, what a treasure it was to be loved so by Hajime. That you are demanding but really?EUR? it doesn?EUR(TM)t take much. If only she had smiled for you?EUR? I?EUR(TM)m sorry I couldn?EUR(TM)t give someone else the answers for her past. I?EUR(TM)m a flawed vehicle for such things. I am simplistic in so many ways. That night in the letter ?EUR“ that terrible night ?EUR“ I shouldn?EUR(TM)t have let myself be pulled away. But by morning, I had convinced her of something. About forgiveness, about love. I know she never knew about that. I was stunned by it myself. I knew before that I loved him. I just never realized how completely, how fully, how unconditionally I did. It was like opening your eyes for the first time and seeing all the colors you?EUR(TM)d never seen before, and all the stars that had been there but hidden?EUR? something strong and fine that doesn?EUR(TM)t happen often.
   You know you remind me of myself. At least just a little bit. I won’t go into details but I think I understand your situation quite well. I called you naive that’s very true, because I kept seeing my younger self in you (but please note I am -younger- still. *laughs a little*). Ah always trying… Even if you didn’t know what you were doing, whether it helped or not, you kept trying right? I did the exact same thing for many years. It hurts doesn’t it to not be able to help? Until one day you decide it’s time to stop hurting that person and also yourself. So you go away. Don’t misunderstand… The time I called you naive was the time I knew exactly what was probably going to happen… And it did. It wasn’t an accusation… I guess it was more of a sad observation, a warning of things to come. Ah but let me get back to what you said, that night. Actually I applaud you for responding back to him, actually the moment you stood up and went to the bathroom door, I knew things should be alright.. Ah but I was nervous a little since I would’ve preferred that it was not interrupted, but the results was close enough. Of course I did lose some sleep since he wanted to wait. And your writer was so angry at me… But it was necessary.
   But that?EUR(TM)s not the lesson that I was to provide. I?EUR(TM)m sorry. I wish I had been told years ago. Instead, this wound festered until I?EUR(TM)d?EUR? what?EUR(TM)s the word? Mangled him? I?EUR(TM)ve hurt him. I won?EUR(TM)t deny that, and that?EUR(TM)s something I?EUR(TM)ll have to live with, and make my own atonement for.
   You see it’s not for you to fix him. There are some things you can help him with, move things along and some things he must do himself. He knows this as well. He also could use some rest that I think you can provide so he doesn’t burn out. As his condemnable writer, I know what festers in him that sometimes he doesn’t know himself, or rather he does not see it clearly. It’s not that I’m omnipotent, it is because I am an outside party looking in at something that ah… I’ve seen before. You’ve not mangled him, you’ve hurt him perhaps but not broken him.
   If I were ever to tell Makoto the story again, it will be?EUR? the princess was kind but not wise. She could fill his belly but never fix the soul of the lone wolf. So the wolf went back to his own kind?EUR? But the princess knew if the chance had ever come again, she wouldn?EUR(TM)t tell him to go back. If she had to do it all over again, she would still love him, even when those who know better tells her that it?EUR(TM)s wrong, simply because she was a princess and he was a wolf. Even if losing you shatters my heart again.
   No one is wise. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. You’re doing much better than I did in my own -old- story. I’m happy somehow that where my story ended, yours continued. Although right now is not anywhere close to your happy ending (it will be a happy one won’t it?)… There are things only you can do. I am only here to nudge things along or type for the old man.
   Kizu-san: Don?EUR(TM)t let him disappear. Don?EUR(TM)t give him up. If he is no longer allowed to love me, to be with me?EUR? I will do what I can because the man who loved me would not wish me to do anything foolish as I tried once. I?EUR(TM)ll always be waiting, no matter what, for I am a hopeful creature and what I feel remains unchanged. But let him live, please? You writers are ahous and need all the help you can get. And he?EUR? never deserves to be thrown away and forgotten. Your intentions were good. And the only answers you wanted were to calm your own self, not to force narrow beliefs on others, so do not compare yourself so harshly.
   I think you know my answer. There is a reason he’s not the one responding to here right now. He’s oblivious to what I am thinking. I do keep some stuff from him you know. *grin* Besides who said that what I did before was the right thing to do now? Were you happy when you ran away? My wish is for both of your happiness because I told you, you remind me of my old self (not that my “new” self is better. *laughs*) And he… is very precious to me. He’s not just a product of his “ancestor” you know, but in him there is a little of someone I knew a long time ago, although I have no idea where he is now. They even share the same birthday (talk about coincidence…). I had failed that person a long time ago. So in away, I would like your Hajime to be happy. I think if he is able to move forward… At least I know the same mistakes are not repeated and maybe I’ll feel better too. But I must ask that you help him… Move your story along, even if slowly. Have your “moments” together, but move him along otherwise, he’ll just lose more of himself. He’s lost something you know. And he knows the past few months he’s been “researching”, what it is that is missing. I got scolded for not having a records of all your conversations for a few months. *laughs softly* Although I think he also likes to read your past “escapades”, those rpgs, IMs, e-mails even the fanfics. I mean I’ve seen him sit for hours re-reading, sometimes with a grin on his face and sometimes with a frown. I have to laugh sometimes because with all his tallying from one world to the next, I think he’s trying to keep track. It bothers him that there are some things that you would mention and he would have no recollection. I told him it’s OLD AGE.
   Ah I will be scolded. I was told to write about the market and sparkles and some peaches… But unfrotunately I have work in a few hours so you’ll have to excuse me.
   *leaves*

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2. How can you take what someone has cast aside?
   Why was it wrong to love someone that someone else turned her back on?
   Ah you’ll have to forgive me… I have to add something about the lines above. I do believe in what you say… However please may I give you another point of view? It is probably precisely this that has left him rather shaken. Which makes it difficult to just accept what is given because it was cast aside in the first place. But it’s probably not something you can easily teach to someone else. I have seen though some progress.
   *looks at clock* *sighs hoping she won’t be late for work tomorrow* *exits*

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