My turn to speak… before the morning continues I need to have my say:
?
Things done with good intentions… to try to fix one’s mistakes and perceived flaws. Perhaps in trying not to be naive, I was more naive than I had ever been. In fights before you were angry that I didn’t notice things… so I tried. I narrowed my wide eyes… and it didn’t make me better. Through those eyes I didn’t just miss you… I missed my own changes.
Yes it was a decision to be like this. Perhaps not always concious… but when you criticize me should I smile and pass it off? But the other night you apologized. I accept it. To you… I apologize for giving in. I believed as always that you wanted the best of me, to be the best person I could be. But it was more important to be myself, even when I did something wrong. It didn’t mean that I was a bad person who should change. Even the criticisms from others… I shouldn’t have listened but more importantly, I should have told them that they don’t know us, what we’ve gone through, and that… I would do my best, because that’s all any of us can do. To do our best and be ourselves.
Independence… I didn’t want that. I tried to concoct a story where I wasn’t secure and safe and you hated it… *quiet* The only independence I wanted there was the freedom to not be under someone’s watch, so if we didn’t come in together… I would be free to court you. And even though the setting was different… what was truly timeless and boundless about our love would come through… but that was contingent upon me bringing myself to the game. Not… what I did the other night. That’s not what bound us together. I am ashamed of my behavior in London, and apolize for stealing our first kiss. It should have tasted like promise, not regret.
I want to be happy again. I want to be taken care of… to be your neko-chan and your hime-sama. I want to be able to take care of you. I did that… too much, in the wrong way. I wanted to protect you, to make up for others. To make up for that world of people who were cruel for enjoyment, for the people that are cruel to Kizu. There were times when I should have told you things, when you upset me or made me angry but… what if you saw my angry face and saw Tokio? Too often this “kindness” turns out to be cruel.
I know why I loved you then. You saw… possibility. You gave me a place to belong, to live, even if it was a world for just us two. I was… accepted, and loved, and had someone that I could see thrive under my attentions, even if it was something as simple as dinner. Who needed me.. and let me need him. And yes, be myself, silly and romantic and… yes, like a girl. Twirling for you in a new kimono… you smiled, instead of chiding me to act my age. I never felt so strong as when I needed you the most. Loving you unconditionally meant loving you with my eyes open, seeing your darkness and your goodness, and accepting and loving all of you, and loving with all that I am.
Tell me that I can be myself… tell me that bad things will happen and it doesn’t mean I have to change. Tell me that you still see the woman you fell in love with in me, that she’s reachable under the shell I’ve built. Tell me that I can make you happy… give a hopeful creature something to hope -for-. I don’t want to be a martyr, swallowing the bad things until I burst; mangling myself beyond all recognition. Tell me that you’ll hold up a light to guide me, a hand to give me strength, and I’ll reach for it. I want to know that death can be cheated. A year ago, you led me back from darkness and despair. Can I ask that of you again?
I don’t know what to do, Hajime. I’m scared and I’m lost, cut off from the one I love and missing something of myself. I can’t live with you in a life of silence and distance, I’m afraid I’ll only become more… lost. I won’t be the mother to Makoto that I should be, the type she needs… and I owe her more than that, that child we both cherish so. I’ve seen visions of my future without you. The past six years were bad enough. I can’t handle a lifetime.
Your hime-sama needs you now more than ever. The girl who laughed with her hair flowing down has been in the dark for so long… I want that back in me. I want to see blue skies again. I want to see the river…
Nothing is going the way it should
I hastily subdue these feelings of impatience
All this anxiety and nervousness is sending my heart into disorder
Just a boy hugging his knees in the midst of it all
Shivering and in tears, I repress all my regret
I cried all night, but now it seems dawn is breaking.
So, undoubtedly you’re right
Even though right now I may try to turn back
And I keep on being stubborn about it, though I know it’s monotonous
I’ll start walking again, this time even farther, and I won’t give up
If I could get just one more chance…
I’ll keep it all locked away in my heart
Until my dreams come true…
I surrendered myself to a dismal emptiness
in the most critical of times
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite reach
Aiming for the shore
I had to swim for my life
Withstanding the current, I can’t even raise my voice
It could have been the end right there, but…
I don’t think that love can save everything,
but there’s something about your smile
that somehow healed my heart, and in your lips
I found the strength to stand up again
If only I could get just one more chance…
The flow of the river is intense even today
But I won’t let go of your hand
I’ll believe in the love that’s in my heart forever
Until my dreams come true…
I don’t think that love can save everything,
but there’s something about your smile
that somehow healed my heart, and in your lips
I found the strength to stand up again
So, undoubtedly you’re right
Even though right now I may try to turn back
And I keep on being stubborn about it, though I know it’s monotonous
I’ll start walking again, this time even farther, and this time I won’t give up
If only I could get just one more chance…
The flow of the river is intense even today
But I won’t let go of your hand
I’ll believe in the love that’s in my heart forever
Until my dreams come true…
…
3 thoughts on “…”
Comments are closed.
There are many times I contradict myself… And I know it confuses you. It’s not easy to do the right thing and although I want that for you and I, at times I fall back into my own wants whether they are petty or not. Just like back then, as naive as you were I always felt like I was taking advantage of you so I said things to make you aware. In a way I wanted to make sure you saw what we were. I thought it would give it more validity and yet in time I realize all I really wanted was for things not to change. I never really told you back then, I think it was one of your last nights in Tokyo. I visited you with something on my mind, the Tanabata. I wanted to tell you a story but you finished it for me before I even got started. I became angry because I realized I couldn’t do things for you anymore. The more you grew, the further away you seem to drift away from me. And so that night I rejected your advances. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you, but that it felt like it was the only thing I could do right anymore. I didn’t want to be that person for you because I was happiest not during those times, but in between when my thoughts wasn’t filled with lust and guilt at the same time.
When I criticize you… Don’t you remember? It was fine that you fought back and a few times you did. How you change to my words… What I hated back then was how easily you succumbed to them, to avoid an argument even when I was wrong. I hated turning you into a mindless being and yet I’ve also managed to turn you into someone who’s feet took great care in never leaving the ground. When was it the last time you dreamed and not worry about being “realistic”?
I wanted you to have known kindness, not really independence. And of course security should already be a consideration. Yes I hated it and yes I wanted those things for you. But here I will contradict myself again by saying, I wish you’ve left just enough room so that I may show you the same thing. Passion I have always had that with you. It does not take great effort for a man to have passion with his woman… *sighs* So when the others have placed you on a pedestal, do you not think I have wanted to do so myself? I wanted something else, perhaps more pure, not like before where it was co-mingled with the need to replace Tokio. Wasn’t that why you were distressed before? Because you also knew that my feelings for you grew from Tokio’s inattention and that I indeed loved her. Have you ever wondered why I chose Yaso to be dead and chose never to have learned to love Tokio? The truth is I have become jealous but you did warn me, so I guess I shouldn’t be. But I am. Maybe I was a bit hopeful that kindness would not be a great love. That’s my error in judgment.
You forgot one thing… I also loved you because you made me feel good about myself by watching you live. I had thought I had a part in it but now I’m no longer sure. Remember that time when I thought I helped you become strong and your writer told mine that she would not make you weak for my sake? She was right and wrong at the same time. I didn’t want you weak for the sake of my ego, but I did hope that by being with me and needing me it had made you stronger, because it was certainly the case with me.
I can’t tell you that bad things will happen and that you don’t have to change. I can tell you that you can chose who you want to be. If this is who you want to be then I accept it, just like I accept what you want me to be for you in London. You know… I had always wanted you to be free… And I know that you’ve always wanted to be in a “real” world but it seems the more it became a reality, the more I was left behind. I have not changed Hide. The problem is in that world, why I do not want her is because what I thought was important about us is completely different. I do not want to hate her but I find that the more I look at her, the more I’m reminded that we never really saw the world in the same way. But you have made me happy, even in Ito, when I did not remember you. You have the capacity to do that.
About Makoto… I know you can take care of her. You already have. I just have one thing to say about the other night… Tell your writer -never- to use her again.
Hime-sama… Neko-chan… I missed calling you that. *quiet* But… I knew back then, up to now, you’ve not really forgiven me have you? The few times I tested the water and uttered those words, they were unwelcome.
Earlier I was going through a list of songs again. You saw my writer posted up something correct? There is only one thing wrong with that song, but everything else remains true. It’s not something I -cannot- get back, because I have not changed towards you. I still deeply love you.
http://hajimenokizu.livejournal.com/26006.html
Then this year… tell me the story of Tanabata. Tell Makoto… I never told her the story. I have to admit, in those days in Ito the story made me sad, the story of the princess and her beloved. But back then I never realized… that you came to share that with me until it was too late. Tanabata is coming soon. Tell us the story and we’ll watch fireworks together, I’ve not seen them in so long. Do that for me? It won’t fix the past… but we’ll be making something new, and something we can share with our daughter.
Being hopeful is about being a dreamer as well. Too much of “realism”… I’m happiest when we are free. When we can enjoy sakura blooms one day and Momiji the next, spend a day in our Tokyo and the night in Rome of the writer’s time. You’ve made all of that happen for me.
I apologize for London. There are things… not yet set in stone, aspects of my past that have yet to come out that will be different. A life with no space for you is not what I wanted. *looks away* And making love will mean nothing unless we love each other. Room… there will be room for you. Believe me, room for kindness and true love… a place where we’re not making up for anyone else or paying for anyone else but just you and I, coming together. Be my dream… and if you come to love me and put me on pedastal… and I’ll know that with you, it’s not a pedestal of distance, but something pure.
Needing you -does- make me strong, like anything could happen as long as you loved me. Loving you lifted me up. You showed me how to live… so I’m glad it helped you in return. It’s just like watching you do well did so much for me, even if it was something as simple as you enjoying my cooking.
I don’t want to leave you behind. We’re going to turn the tides together, remember? Standing by each other’s side, not six steps behind or with hands never meeting. And in the very smallest ways, make each other happy.
I’d like to hear those names again. They were… special. They made me feel special. Your neko-chan, your cherished Hime-sama. And I did forgive you… that morning I broke into your house while you were sleeping, emboldened with a feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time, realizing just how much… I had fallen for you, how much I still loved you, and needed you to know that. You asked me if I was over, Souji, and my “other lover”. And I was… Souji was dear memory; my “other lover”… all of the pain was forgotten, looking at your face I was ready to move on, not sit under a cloud of self-pity. It was blocking my view of the sun and the blue sky, and that morning… it came into its full glory, and I remembered, that loving you was my strength and happiness.
There’s a song… I’ve listened to this one for a long time that… I’m giving to you now. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you…
***
And you did upset me by leaving our house in the morning. I was going to answer… I was delayed by other things. Please… we need things but don’t leave thinking I had nothing to say. I’m tied to a lazy woman who sleeps all the time and thought she had to buy more books. *sighs* I’d rather be “unrealistic” and worry about such things as the number of spoons we’ll need later and show Makoto the river like you had said you would.