Looking…

26

I walk around a few times, deciding to cut through the forest instead of walking down the hill. I stop for a moment and realize I?EUR(TM)ve just brought myself to where Isuzu and Makoto likes to play. There is a pomegranate tree here but I see no fruits. I sit down for a moment and pull the watch Hide gave me. It is really quite a handy little contrapment. I watch as it ticks second by second, knowing I still have some time. I decide to get up and go to a deeper part of the woods, the first place where Hide, Makoto and I went out together.
I could catch a turtle perhaps?EUR? Give it to Makoto for a pet but I don?EUR(TM)t have plans to stay here in Ito and yet there?EUR(TM)s so many things left undone as well in Tokyo?EUR? It seems that Kyoto will be added to the list. Now that it?EUR(TM)s not a secret, it has to be explained properly but how without making it sound out of place, immature and certainly dishonorable. Hide talks about love and happiness, that?EUR(TM)s easy for me to understand but not so much to others who has no idea what it?EUR(TM)s been like.
Throwing a rock into the stream, I watch it go ?EUR“plop-. What kind of face am I to show to these people? Do I even have one respectable enough to face them with? I never of course fooled myself that what we did was right back then. I can?EUR(TM)t honestly say that when Tsutomu obviously got hurt in my decisions. Not only that?EUR? I deserted Tokio and was a bad provider to them. Who can say that I?EUR(TM)ll do well with Hide and Makoto?
And when the questions come up of what happened in the past six years?EUR? I know Hide will say she ran away and I had no choice. That?EUR(TM)s not completely true, I was an ass towards her, which gave her no choice but to run away to save herself. Do I deserve this happiness of being with Hide and my daughter?
I walk by the currents flowing downstream. Lately, it?EUR(TM)s been like that so unlike what Kondou-san use to tell me, that a man can choose. The only choice I?EUR(TM)ve made is to now stay by her after that night, I woke up with a renewed sense of what I should do, at least with Tokio. I?EUR(TM)m still clueless in how to deal with Makoto and the rest whom Hide holds dear.
Taking out my wallet I count it again. I should find an inn?EUR? She wanted that.
Heading for the main road, I decide to look for an onsen.

Ito

Hajime

26 thoughts on “Looking…”

  4. Why I decided on ?EUR“that- onsen, I do not know. Maybe I want to relive something about the past. I pass by some richshaws and bystanders, there is white noise I suppose because try as I might to pay attention to my surroundings all I glean is a constant ringing in my ears. I head to Miyake?EUR(TM)s shop, like I am supposed to. There I see Saya taking a break, sitting in a corner and reading a book. Walking towards her slowly, she doesn?EUR(TM)t lift up her head and I seat myself reading the covers.
    ?EURoeI didn?EUR(TM)t know you liked poems.?EUR? I say monotonously.

  5. That voice?EUR? I place the book down.
    ?EURoeWell this is surprising?EUR??EUR? I get up to fix us some coffee. ?EURoeI didn?EUR(TM)t think you?EUR(TM)d ever see me again, until you bring me back to Tokyo.?EUR? The irritation in my voice is coming out.

  6. ?EURoeIt didn?EUR(TM)t seem that you wanted to see me.?EUR? I tell her as I watch her back turned away. ?EURoeI came to pay for the desserts you gave to Makoto earlier.?EUR?
    A sigh escapes me and I light up a cigarette. Inspecting the box I notice that in only a matter of an hour I?EUR(TM)ve smoked half of it already.

  7. ?EURoeRunning out??EUR? Placing the cup of coffee beside him, I nod to his cigarettes. ?EURoeSmoking more than usual? I never said anything to you before since I know how demanding your work was?EUR? But if just by staying in this small town you will smoke yourself to death, then you?EUR(TM)ve really lost it Hajime.?EUR?

  9. I sip my coffee and was about to launch myself into a barrage of defensive sentences… How can he say such a thing when I’ve known him even longer than her? Knows every single wife rant he had and even know about Tsutomu? The state of his work? His child Makoto? Angrily I turn but when I see him staring intently at the coffee much like the times he would stare at the sake when he used to visit me. Why is it that I do this to myself? I ask as I reach out and touch his arm.
    ?EURoeIf it is about Yagi-san, you can tell me Hajime.?EUR? I say softly, ?EURoeRemember I am your friend ?EUR“first- and I know my place.?EUR?

  10. Looking up, I watch Saya closely. I realize how unfair I have been for the past years ever since we met, but she as she already said, she knows her place and where I stand.
    ?EURoeDon?EUR(TM)t you get tired of this??EUR? I ask her. I’ll give her an escape because she shouldn’t be doing this anymore.

  11. ?EURoeYes I do.?EUR? I tell him the truth, ?EURoeBut I wouldn?EUR(TM)t be at ease if you weren?EUR(TM)t.?EUR?
    Is it really like this? That the line between love and hate is so close? That I can love and hate him at the same time? ?EURoeDo me a favor and just tell me.?EUR?
    He doesn?EUR(TM)t speak for a while, but that always happens. His thoughts I know are confused and it takes some time for even this sharp man to figure it out for himself. He does so much better with police business than his personal life. It is amazing how different he can be in an official capacity. But just like doctors are not supposed to treat their loved ones because of conflicting emotions that could blur their judgment?EUR? He is like that. Which is why he under normal circumstance always insisted to Tokio not to get involved in his business. Of course, this is probably not that, otherwise Hajime would have left Yagi-san. Still even without that mix, he does not do well with human relationships and I do well because of my past. Most of which, I’d rather forget.

  12. ?EURoeHer brother is here?EUR??EUR? I start, ?EURoeYuunosuke-kun?EUR? A bright young man that knew me back in those days of the Bakumatsu and knows my status in life.?EUR?
    Dragging on the cigarette I watch as the white smoke start to fill the room.

  14. ?EURoeTch?EUR? I knew you wouldn?EUR(TM)t get it.?EUR? I tap my ashes in annoyance, ?EURoeI am still married to Tokio. He knows this?EUR? And you know what type of life I lead?EUR??EUR?

  15. ?EURoeYou have been separated from Tokio for a year now.?EUR? I try to reason with him, ?EURoeYou are no longer with her?EUR? And as for your past, if that young man remembers. He should remember that people back then had their own reasons for doing what they did.?EUR?

  16. ?EURoeA young man like that is na??ve?EUR??EUR? I take a long drag on my cigarette, ?EURoeAnd I know how protective he is of Hide. If he only knows what I did to her?EUR? And what I could do?EUR??EUR?

  17. ?EURoeWhat?EUR(TM)s happened has happened. Stop being a spineless idiot and live up to your mistakes. This is so unlike you.?EUR? I tell him honestly. How I hate having to talk to him like this. ?EURoeYou?EUR(TM)re afraid of being rejected. I?EUR(TM)m surprised, you never gave a ?EUR“fuck- before.?EUR?

  19. I stand up and take his empty cup. My fist slightly shaking. ?EURoeStop telling me what to do!?EUR? I say in between gritted teeth and then I close my eyes. Even I am not seeing things as how they are, my hurt feelings are clouding my judgment. Inhaling a bit, I go back to where he?EUR(TM)s seated.
    ?EURoeI?EUR(TM)m sorry Hajime. I know you hate it when I become vulgar.?EUR? It was one thing I liked about him when he first visited. He wanted me to treat myself with respect. My eyes soften for a moment and I just look at him. It?EUR(TM)s quite funny what this thing called love would do to a person. It?EUR(TM)s definitely changed him a lot, some for the better and for the worse. We are the most alike I think in this respect. Yagi-san had made him softer but more conscious of other people?EUR(TM)s feeling. That was one thing I could never do for him.
    ?EURoeHajime?EUR? You remember everything now don?EUR(TM)t you??EUR? I sit down. ?EURoeIt wasn?EUR(TM)t any better when you didn?EUR(TM)t know. You didn?EUR(TM)t know why you did things and I couldn?EUR(TM)t just tell you. But isn?EUR(TM)t it much better now that you remember everything? That there?EUR(TM)s a reason now why you?EUR(TM)ve been spending time with Yagi-san, instead of some just vague feeling that you couldn?EUR(TM)t quite place??EUR?
    He sits there and deliberately does not look at me. I tell myself to be patient. In this I have faith in him. ?EURoeEven if you hurt that woman and the world knows, including those dear to her. You can?EUR(TM)t deny that you want to be with her. Yes and even if there will be times that you know you will not be there?EUR??EUR? I take his hand, ?EURoeDon?EUR(TM)t deny yourself?EUR? You deserve this.?EUR?

  20. ?EURoeWhat you?EUR(TM)re telling me Saya?EUR??EUR? I know a grim look just settled on my face, ?EURoeis that I should be selfish.?EUR?
    I take a few bills from my pocket and hand it to her.
    ?EURoeFor the dessert earlier and for coffee.?EUR?
    I turn to leave.

  21. ?EURoeYou will not walk away from me Yamaguchi Hajime!?EUR? I block the door. ?EURoeIt?EUR(TM)s not entirely selfish! There are people who care about you that hates to see you like this! I AM ONE OF THEM!!?EUR?
    My arms stretch further refusing to budge. Of course he can easily push me to the side but he?EUR(TM)s just standing there.
    ?EURoeForgive yourself Hajime because if you don?EUR(TM)t?EUR? Can?EUR(TM)t you see what it does to me? And what it will do to your daughter and the one who you want to be your wife??EUR? I squint and swallow, feeling my face turning bright red from anger and embarrassment. I never wanted to really show him how resentful I felt towards him and his choices. It was one thing to casually avoid him and decline going to the Yagis?EUR? But when the words come directly from my own mouth, it?EUR(TM)s not something I handle well, just like that time I told him ?EUR“exactly- what I thought. To be rejected like ?EUR“that- I felt like such an idiot. And yes I’m much more of an idiot now because I can’t even wipe the tears off my face with my arms stretched like this.

  22. Crushing the cigarette under my boots, I step in front of her and slowly push both her arms down. I reach into her pocket, I know she always have a handkerchief with her and yes I know why especially back then when she was in Shimabara. I can?EUR(TM)t utter a word but I do force her to wipe her face.
    Then I turn towards the back and find Miyake-san, telling her that Masaya wasn?EUR(TM)t feeling well and needs to go. Returning to the front side of the store, I pick up the book she was reading, hand it to her and dragged her by the arm. She starts to fight against me but I my hold on her wrists just tighten. Finally we reach our house and I throw her inside. I know I?EUR(TM)ll be late for Hide?EUR(TM)s party and it?EUR(TM)s probably already starting.
    ?EURoeNow Saya?EUR? Here you can speak more freely and not make a fool of yourself.?EUR? I tell her. Did she forget that making a spectacle like that would lend her to suspicion? Thank Kami the only people who saw us were a few bystanders.

  23. I shake my head. I can?EUR(TM)t possibly speak anymore. I?EUR(TM)m tired. I don?EUR(TM)t want to speak. I look at the book Yuunosuke gave me, a reminder that after this hide-out that I want to leave Japan. A new life. Something ?EUR“else-. I can?EUR(TM)t stay here anymore. It?EUR(TM)s better to be alone surrounded by strangers than be ?EUR“here-, being constantly reminded that this place is my home and yet it?EUR(TM)s really ?EUR“not-.

  24. ?EURoeTch?EUR? Not talking are you??EUR? I grab the book from her and look at it. The way she held it for dear life?EUR? ?EURoeAnd I thought, I was a fool back then for wanting to go back here.?EUR?
    Tossing the book to her, I crouch to meet her face, ?EURoePlanning to run away Tako-chan??EUR? I sneer at her.

  25. ?EURoeYou asshole!?EUR? I slap him across the face hard enough that my wrist hurt. He turns back with a wicked grin on his face and this time I grab the nearest object, the book and threw it right at him. ?EURoeFuck you! You selfish bastard!?EUR? The book lands at a weird angle on his temple and I see it left a bruise but I don?EUR(TM)t give a damn at this point.
    Maybe I don?EUR(TM)t get him at all. Maybe I was wrong?EUR? Maybe he is a scum?EUR? My fist suddenly clenches itself and I found myself aiming for his face.

  26. Intercepting her fist, I twist her arm behind her back. Her eyes are like that of a wild animal. She?EUR(TM)s never shown me this face before and I grin.
    ?EURoeI?EUR(TM)m flattered Saya.?EUR? I whisper, ?EURoeBut don?EUR(TM)t let me get the best of you?EUR??EUR?
    Suddenly, I?EUR(TM)m overcome with an urge to return my gratitude. I swallow as I found myself wanting to kiss this woman as I did once. But I know that?EUR(TM)s all it is?EUR? Gratitude for being loved and wanted. I cannot play like that anymore so instead I kiss her on the cheek.
    ?EURoeIf it would make a difference?EUR? I did love you.?EUR? I let her go slowly, ?EURoeSo don?EUR(TM)t go running away, just because things have turned different from what you wanted. I still need you and those idiots at the Keikan needs you.?EUR?
    I stand up, ?EURoeI know not to expect you there ?EUR“today- so rest. I also hate seeing you this way.?EUR?
    Searching my pockets I procure the haircomb that I saw earlier with Makoto. ?EURoeWe?EUR(TM)re parting soon?EUR? I had thought of giving this to you then, but I think you should have it now so you remember?EUR? What you mean to me.?EUR?
    With that I leave. I know I shouldn?EUR(TM)t leave her alone, but it would be disastrous if this gets pursued any further. I cannot pit her against Hide and staying here would mean exactly that.
    (OOC: Saitou exits)

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