*Note tapered to the wall*
I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time now. It’s probably not a mystery to you since my ahou of a writer has probably babbled about it at one point to your other ahou of a writer. But when I look at that girl Suzuka, I see you… Or at least the one who you were meant to be. Cute, robust and more outspoken back -then-, apart from your origin. She is I guess, the one I could’ve probably spoken to when I was younger. Of course it seems like you’ll be doing the talking first. She has your eyes and your smile from what I remember in Tokyo…
An alternate reality ne? And he is someone that I would’ve liked to be… Quiet but open and prone to sudden burst of anger and passion.
I know she is not you… As I am not him. But they embody you and me, at least in that perfect little world where we could’ve been together much younger. Then you’d never have to deal with my wife and I simply would have had a better chance against Souji.
Ah well, it is a nice fantasy we can think of ne? *grins* Don’t liken this to me wishing you were Tokio, I only wanted you to have her name to avoid the difficulties of being my clandestine lover and friend. I cannot ever imagine my ex-wife to be even remotely close to you. I am just telling you that this girl reminds me of you and just has the wrong name attached to her. So imagine, when that young man embraces her, think of me embracing you. Let it be our own little secret.
Ah well… It’s at this point that I should say something correct? But I think I’ve said enough…
….
…
…
Oh what the hell!
I love you.
I have a scheme…
22 thoughts on “I have a scheme…”
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*looks at note, smiles while reading it, dashes off and comes back with a folder marked, “BRS Lovely”, flips through it*
So when she embraces that young man… that’s me holding you…
And well… must I explain -everything-? *grins* I do like that young man though… he spoke up for her, and seems… protective, and that he cares -about- her. I like her passion and openness… yes, as her, I would have spoken to you first. *laughs*
For once I think I can support the writer and her obsession with these “fancomics”…
I like this secret… *smiles* I’ll join you in this scheme, so that when we see them, we see ourselves…
I love you… thank you. *leaves note taped to wall*
*comes back just right after Hide leaves. Does not call her and instead takes the notes and reads it, a small smile upon his lips*
*goes out for an evening stroll to a favorite spot, out of place and out of time*
*goes out for a walk, to a certain sakura*
*sees someone by it, walks up behind him*
“It’s a beautiful night, ne?” *smiles, walks beside him* “Would you like some company?”
“If you don’t mind my writer lapsing in and out…”
Taking her hand I lead her under the Sakura.
“But then again, I’ve already dragged you here.”
Sitting under the tree, I pull her to sit on my lap. The night air is cool this autumn night. There are no petals that flow pass us to add to the atmosphere but having her is enough. Taking a cigarette out, I hand her the matches.
“Dragged?” I smile as he takes my hand, and I settle into his lap under the sakura. Glad for whatever time we have together. “Is that what you call it? You don’t call for me… but I hoped you wanted me here.”
I strike the matches he hands me, cupping my hand around the flame to shield it from any errant breeze as I bring it to the end of the cigarette.
After all… I’ve seen him light his cigarette enough. “Tell me… did you like that picture I sent you?” Pictures… those figures aren’t the same but it’s another small way I can show him… just how I feel.
“Is that what you call it? You don’t call for me… but I hoped you wanted me here.”
“I don’t call for you…” *settles his chin on her shoulder* “That would be right as of late.”
*watches the other people taking an evening stroll in Ueno park, takes a drag on his cig*
“But then again you would be stuck with me doing nothing…”
“Tell me… did you like that picture I sent you?”
“Not so much the first one… But the second… Let’s hope you don’t show them to anyone else but me.”
*smells her hair then leans back towards the bark of the tree looking up*
“Nothing?” I stroke the back of his head, and drop a light kiss above his ear. “I don’t think you know… just how much you do for me. And it’s still settling down for Kizu-san. You know I’ll wait… always. I’ve told you many times that you’re worth waiting for.” My hands fall down to his back and I embrace him briefly. “And if you don’t call me I’ll let you know… somehow… how much I’m thinking of you.”
After he leans his head back, I play with his bangs, lightly. “You know there’s those pictures that are just for you and I… that, most definitly, is one of those,” I smile. “Just like some of that fanart… it seems that young woman can be rather forward, too bad it took sake to bring it out.” I grin, and I lean forward to kiss the tip of his nose.
I put the half inhaled cigarette out on the ground and leaned forward.
“Something like this?”
Kissing the tip of her nose, I grin and turn my attention to her ear, lightly nibbling the edges.
“I love it when you kiss me. Although I think that girl… Beat you in kissing me in my sleep.”
Leaning back, I let my fingers get tangled in her hair.
“Just like some of that fanart… it seems that young woman can be rather forward, too bad it took sake to bring it out.”
“It seems so… But the young man seems to enjoy it.” I chuckle “As would I…”
Suddenly I stare at the ground beside her, we had always had trouble when I drank. It was never good no matter what the situation was.
“But… I think I’ll keep to the smoking and just let you drink. I want to see you get roaringly drunk like Harada. I want to see… -All- of you.”
Something like this?
“Mmmm… like that,” I shiver slightly, a jolt running up at down my spine at even such a -light- touch from him.
I raise my eyebrows as he talks about -roaring- drunk. “You don’t have to get me drunk to see how forward I can be.” With that I lean forward, taking his lips slowly but deliberately. I break away, just a breath, “and I -will- wake you with kisses… but I won’t stop there.” I lean against him, this time the kiss going deeper, my tongue sweeping against his as my hand stokes that place on the back of his neck under his collar, my other hand making quick work of his jacket buttons and sliding under his shirt, craving the feel of his firm chest.
“You may see all of me while drunk… or you may end up like that version of you, rather… -frustrated- when drinking too much had her passed out after those kisses.” I laugh softly, amused at how she had “glomped” him before that. I’ve never of course been -roaring- drunk like Harada-san, but then again few could imbibe quite like him. I repeat Hajime’s earlier action, with my tongue running along his ear. “Bring me sake, and -test- me… but I’m not drinking alone.” I look at him, “I want to see all of you as well…”
“Hmmm…” I savour her mouth, ladening it with languid kisses that seems to warm me in this cold evening. It’s then that I felt her hand on top of my skin, skimming my chest and I shift her slightly, her back facing the small crowd a few feet away.
“You may see all of me while drunk… or you may end up like that version of you, rather… -frustrated- when drinking too much had her passed out after those kisses.”
“No… I don’t want that.” I whisper with a grin, “I like it when you do the work… Call me lazy…”
Bringing her lips back to mine, I press against her closer reminding me of those days when I’d catch her off-guard outside. She was quite hesitant back then about that in public, and I didn’t understand then, at least until a most hated voice reminded me how inappropriate it was… Of course now I do and I reluctantly pull back from her and fixed my shirt discretely.
“Bring me sake, and -test- me… but I’m not drinking alone.” “I want to see all of you as well…”
“No… No more testing you’ve passed each one remember?” I pull her to sit to my side. Taking a more serious tone I continue…
“When I said I wanted to see you…” I look at her. I’ve seen every nook and cranny of her body, if she doesn’t remember… “I meant to see you in every way imaginable. I want to see those eyes that look at me in anger, foolishness and happiness. Include silly and crass in that. Or disappointed is fine too, because I -need- to know.”
I’m more than slightly disappointed when he pulls me to the side… I remember once when I was too timid to even -kiss- him in public, now I was sitting on his lap trying to undress him… perhaps not proper but it’s hard to deny, how I need this man in so many ways.
And then there was that day in Tokyo we made a detour to a quiet alleyway…
No… No more testing you’ve passed each one remember?
I nod with a proud smile. “I seem to recall you declaring me your perfect match and getting -ice cream- for it.”
I want to see those eyes that look at me in anger, foolishness and happiness. Include silly and crass in that. Or disappointed is fine too, because I -need- to know.
Quietly, I pick up his hand and hold it in both of mine. “Hajime… you don’t need to get me drunk to see that. These eyes will look at you in many different ways, but…” I turn to stare into those golden depths that always captivate me. “They’ll always see you, be looking for you, these same eyes that have seen you ever since that day a long time ago…” Just as I know his will… ever since that day he first saw me.
I kiss the hand I hold, and look over at him. “You have me now… in -living- with me, you’ll see… you’ll see all those looks and more; just as I’ll see them from you. But remember the song? There will always be that look… of love.” I move closer, picking up his arm so I can snuggle against his side, and I mutter, looking at the people milling about, “crowds be damned – I want to be close to my man.”
“Watch the language Hide.” I say and look back at her.
“It might suit me but not you…”
Indeed… That was one of the things I loved about her, that she was not brusque like I was.
I look down for a moment, there was something I wanted to speak to her about. And I wonder, if this is the right time…
Watch the language Hide. It might suit me but not you…
I smile. “I do watch myself with that… I just had to express myself, even if I wasn’t being very proper.” I don’t have to always be like that with him, I can simply speak as I wish…
His eyes are cast down and he is quiet, and I lean in closer. “Hajime… what’s on your mind?”
Looking up, I stare straight towards the pathway. She’s smiling… I had thought she’d get angry.
“I’ve been meaning to speak with you about…” I pause, how do I tell the woman I adore that I hate something about her? Didn’t I say before that she can be herself? No. I should speak, no favors will be done by my silence.
“You know I chose you already. A long time ago.”
I need to smoke so I took out the packet but it’s empty and I sigh. Tossing it aside, I inhale.
“But when I came to Ito… there was something I found that…” Damn it. Why of all times… I’d run out of smokes?
“Remember those letters you wrote me while I was in Tokyo?” I look to the side. I can’t seem to look at her straight.
“How about the song you left me at one time? About the skater boy, I think.”
You know I chose you already. A long time ago.
I nod, I know this, even when I’m being foolish like I was some time ago about that girl… just as I chose him.
He starts and stops speaking several times, discarding an empty cigarette box. I look at him, seriously. “Yes, I remember the letters… and that song, all the songs.” I try to catch his eyes but he won’t -look at me-.
“What did you find out when you came to Ito?” I ask.
A frown settles on my face.
“Did you ever discern from my letter that I was displeased with comparing Makoto to someone elses child?”
I remember that day, perhaps I was not so clear in the letter. I did not want her to turn me away.
“There was no need to. It was… Petty.”
I look at her now.
“Just like that song was petty.”
Why is it that it’s so important? We will just fight over this I think and yet I can’t stop talking…
“It’s true that I hated Tokio. When I think of her, I think about the life we could’ve had and that my children would not be dealing with our mistakes. But it is wrong that you come down to my level.”
“Do not spite her because of me. I do not feel good about it. I’ve always thought you better than that.”
I think of our days in back then. She was naive yes… But she was not petty like myself.
“I cannot move on if you remind me of her… That in a way she had changed you because of me. I cannot forgive her if that is the case.”
He speaks of a letter, one I remember well, and the song. Of pettiness…
“I spoke of that other child… I wanted you to know that I thought I was doing right by Makoto, even if it wasn’t the path others took. At that time, I wanted you to believe that I was a good mother to your daughter.” I still do… but then it was such a desperate need that clawed at me, to know that I was doing -something- right.
“And that song, yes, it -was- petty. Those people…” I look up, at the night sky, quiet for a long moment before speaking.
“I saw how again and again they hurt you. How they hurt your writer and mine. It was petty, what I posted, but I couldn’t be silent at that moment. Yet in that song I wanted to show… how foolish they were to be so cruel. Had that woman been less…” it still hurts to remember… how annoyance at her lack of attention turned into something else as that woman and her friends strove to -destroy- Hajime. “She could have had something -amazing-. Instead you came to love me… but I still hate it that you had to endure so much pain.”
Do not spite her because of me. I do not feel good about it. I’ve always thought you better than that.
I finally look back at him. “I -try- to be better… To post that song was… it’s a very -immature- song. It didn’t help you… I only hurt you -again-… to think that she brought out something ugly in me.” My eyes sting slightly as I speak, “instead of cursing them for reminding the writers of the day that game started, I suppose a better person… would have been glad, for it was that which set into motion you and I. I’m sorry, Hajime… forgive me? Being petty is not how I should show you how I love you…” When there are so many other ways I can, to show this man how dear he is to me…
I cannot move on if you remind me of her… That in a way she had changed you because of me. I cannot forgive her if that is the case.
I’m quiet again. “Forgive her, because I have to as well. I can’t go forward still cursing myself for sitting on the sidelines while she hurt you… we both have to do this. I want to move on with you… that’s how we’ll be free. Not free -from- the past… but free from how a ghost can destroy us.”
Sliding my arms on her shoulder, I pull her closer. I’ve said what needed to be said. I think she understands. If there was a way to make it easier for us and still be ourselves, I’d have found a way already. But instead we’re still the same people but perhaps, that’s not a bad thing. It certainly does not hurt as it used to.
“It’s such a nice night. If only your friend was still here.”
Tonight the cool winds blow softly, very similar when I took her to this same tree.
“Do you still have that music box I gave you?”
It was made of lacquer that I had wanted to give to my wife. A family heirloom. I chuckle suddenly, I did give it to my wife… My future wife that is.
He pulls me closer, and I’m glad that we -can- talk. That I can speak to him, and admit these things… the burden of that place will always be a part of us but it also made us who we are. I snuggle closer in his arms, savoring his warmth and that smell of his…
It’s such a nice night. If only your friend was still here.
It is beautiful… and even in autumn the sakura is still beautiful, for its scarlet foliage and for that even in winter there is the promise of spring… yet there is always something beyond leaves and flowers that endures.
Do you still have that music box I gave you?
I nod, “yes… it’s one of my treasures, I’ve taken good care of it – it’s even home to some of my smaller treasures.” I remember that night, long ago, under this tree, when he gave it to me, how surprised I was, it was obviously something he valued… “However, I do have to keep if out of reach of our daughter… but she’s been better lately about not going through my things as much. With her being able to read, I should be careful about some of our other letters, ne?” I did save -everything- after all… even in my worst times, my sentimental self won out… or perhaps my hopeful self?
I nod, now that she mentioned it, I do remember Makoto was tinkering with it when I first came. Perhaps I’m still having lapses… Or maybe I’m just getting old.
“Take good care of it.” Is all I can say for the moment. Small momentos, each one of us has one. I take out the watch she left once and check for the time. Such extravagance that I could not find a reason to buy for myself back then, she remembered. I have something else to keep now.
“It’s getting late Hide. I heard your writer is not feeling well either.”
I kiss her lips lightly and get up.
“Let me take you home.”
OOC: You may close
Take good care of it.
“I will…” and every thing in it, from a scrap of a torn obi to a carefully dried tulip; a ticket stub to a theater performance in Kyoto… little things. Memories and momentoes are important but the one who gave them to me… he is the most valueable.
I look at his watch and I’m glad I gave it to him, and smile. “Although I will have to find another present for you.” It had been what I wanted to give him when we married… well, -one- of the things.
I try not to sigh as he gets us up. Why is our time together so short? “Yes… she should get some sleep, otherwise she’ll never get any work done.” I grin and wrap my arm around Hajime’s waist as he leads me back home.
(OOC – close)