Reality

I?fve decided to just send the stuff to you. It?fs better that way I don?ft have to think I held back important information. Oh well?c It?fs better this way, anyway I don?ft want you thinking I?fm just being stubborn and he?fs just being weird. But heh, I guess we both are. And no, I don?ft know if it?fs such a great idea but I do know that how it was going wasn?ft umm good. *shrugs*
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This one?fs the few paragraphs that come before the dream thing?c it?fs not posted of course. It explains partly why he wants to be safe.. but it also explains what he thought was of his past? and their past and what jumped out at him. Which kind of bothers me earlier since you said you just remembered that they ?used- to talk. SO1 was established because they had problems.. their best days has always been on IM before SO1. so yeah that?fs disturbing, since a lot of the stuff he thinks about is that.
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We spoke today?c I think I really did lose her. That person whom I shared utter bliss with and that person who came and asked me to join her. I?fve heard it said before that when people reach too hard for the past they lose their future. My future I know is with Hide but that was the woman I fell in love with many years ago. So why am I here? Because I want to reclaim a lost past and a daughter that I love. But this?c Why does it remind me of Tokio for some reason, the way she had changed is almost the same with Hide. Perhaps that is all I know how to do, create bitter lives after the initial joy wears off.
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I remember with my wife, perhaps we never were as passionate with each other and our marriage was an arranged one, but there was a time that we were indeed happy. Until of course I went on my way, telling her that she comes second to my duty and disappeared for months on end, unable to fulfill my duties towards her as her husband. Money wasn?ft an issue back then but I was, when we fought over who was taking care of who and when she doubted my life?fs work and my loyalty to her. It went all downhill from there, when she got involved thinking that I would choose her?c I won?ft and never will, there was still that stubborn man who believed in himself even if everyone else called him a fool.
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She was what I needed, someone who understood what my past was during the Bakumatsu. She understood and thus, she never begrudged me for clinging stubbornly to my work. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was justified in what I did. That someone important agreed and accepted me for who I was?c And forgave me for my shortcomings. Hide was that for me and it made me strong, a fountain that I was able to drink from and I thought I could do so much more with her by my side. Self-belief is good, that is what I hung onto for so many years, but a kindred spirit lending support it changed me.
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But there were problems, for a time I thought she would go away because someone else was there and although I should?fve trusted her, my nature has been to be suspicious. All the years being a spy one cannot be too careful and so I subjected her to trials, to make sure that in other aspects she still believed. Because in time I?fve noticed that we?fve changed, as things became more real we could no longer talk about those things which drew us together, as if it was taboo and would shatter what we had. It became fragile and I decided if it broke then it was not meant to be.
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Fragile?c I hated that, it reminded me of my wife who used it against me to hinder my freedom. To not give me a choice?c But our world became that, Hide and I were no longer free and to make choices. So I decided to break it, to challenge her to come to me?c To make her speak again?c To make her need me because I needed her, because that is where I?fve found true strength. I know later on back then, she thought it was a ploy?c This needing?c Perhaps up to now, she still does. It must be that she thinks, it is just my male ego looking to be fed. I wouldn?ft be surprised because for most men it is. But somewhere in between those days that we could talk and right now, she forgot what I told her. To need someone is to love them as well. That to need someone is not weak. She was always so obsessed in being strong, I can understand that?c A long time ago even before Kondou-san, I was obsessed with the same thing. It is a hard lesson to learn I suppose?c And with that I find that him and I have not changed in our views. My old self and new still believes in it because that is what I found with that woman in Shimabara and what I found with Yaso. It made me human, after being lost in all the fighting. It made me consider settling down, to find someone to be strong with?c I needed that nameless person and Tokio was there. If only she understood what my work meant?c That it was selfish and not so at the same time. That it was justification and tribute to old friends whom I respect and value?c But it was also a service to this country that I live and breathe in. It was only natural. If we were able to get past that hurdle, somehow I knew she and I will still be together and that I regret because she was a good woman and did the duties of a wife that I could not really complain if I were just any other man.
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I ramble this night?c The words that come out from my mouth are confused as usual. Sometimes I think, he?fs there speaking my old self and I feel whole and certain. But it is disturbing to think that I have not changed, because I know my old self is what caused all this, a paradise lost?c So I shut him out but everytime I do I lose that confidence, that clarity of mind, that stubbornness and passion?c But I think it is better to live with many doubts and able to stay and keep this new life intact?c He will shatter it, like he did a long time ago when I lost my happiness. I will fend him off everytime I see him come near us, he is here to destroy our happiness, -my- happiness. I truly do hate him, that part of myself.
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This one is the one is after they fought.. and it really shows umm why he was so weird and cold that night during dinner.. in both cases he has identity issues?c but if you read the dream thread, I think that you mis-read what it meant.
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?gYou might as well go back to Tokyo?c?h
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Those words are all I hear for some reason. The woman I loved rejected me back then, but she rejected me for both our sakes and not because she was angry. It was because she had no choice. But to say these words so freely when I just finally found her?c It made something turn in my soul, a very cold man was awakened. The one whom I swore to keep at bay?c Perhaps he is angry at me? and at her. It?fs hard to tell at who, but maybe to us both.
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I keep my silence because she will not be free with me I realize?c I realize it now that the boundaries of her was not just the wilderness.. It was just not imposed then?c It is also imposed now and that sun we found once because of the freedom we found with each other was taken away. She was right?c I was a wolf who could not be tamed?c But why she found It necessary to tame me when she knows I am a free creature and that is what I hoped for her to be as well?c That is how I found her because she was a free spirit, borne out of the wind and yet she wants to be shackled to a world where we can no longer talk?c
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I have a daughter there yes. I love her dearly and I wish in the deepest part of my heart that I could stay where they are. That I could claim a future there?c But I know I cannot for that is not my nature. If I could then perhaps I would?fve stayed as well with my wife?c
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Perhaps she realized this, so perhaps she is letting me go. ?gGo back?c?h The words they echo a thousand times in my ear. I want to ask her?c Why did you come for me in the first place? Why did you ask me to come to you? Were you playing a joke? If you did then it was a cruel one.
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You chastised me once for associating with them?c For saying what they wanted to hear?c But they were good friends and you had no faith in me. Perhaps that is the problem, since I cheated on my wife you couldn?ft trust me either?c And yet once you told me that for the times you were not around, that you were thankful someone was there?c And yet you abhorred them as well?c But you knew quite well I would break tides for you?c If you had let me. And that you refused me, then I had to survive in the ways I knew how and yet you chastised me for it. You wouldn?ft support me and yet you would reprimand me. And when you found out that you came at that last moment, a change happened you insisted on being strong?c Insisted that by being with me you?fve lost yourself?c Is that such a bad thing? The day I realized you thought I made you weak.. Made you less of a person than you really are?c Perhaps was the saddest day in my life?c It was a completely different tune, from when you told me I helped you?c Helped you become strong and find yourself. Maybe you just said that ne? Or maybe it was because someone else was speaking?c Those days were the days that made me happiest to be by your side because I could do something for you?c Ah wait.. I remember now, you just said it for show?c You made me think I was good for you?c But in truth you were already that and more?c Did you think I never found out?? Did you say it because you thought I being the man needed to fill my ego? Did you ever think for once that I truly wanted you to become stronger? To find yourself? To make you happy? To free you? Ah yes?c I understand?c I am after all a difficult man?c Who took you to bed and flirted everywhere else. You never did believe what I told you before that if you love someone?c You need them?c And I needed you?c Yes but not in the ways that you thought or are thinking now. I needed you back then when you were still carrying Makoto?c I did not know what to do with myself?c I needed you when I lost my way in that wilderness?c I needed you?c You needed me as well? Is that right?c But did you see that if I entertained those thoughts of you knowing fully well that you did not believe what I said?c that you would start thinking again that I thought of you as weak.. that ?i- made you weak.
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? Perhaps you even forgot now what it means to love unconditionally?c Although I never did understand that fully?c I was learning and maybe I?fm not the best student.. No?c I know I wasn?ft but I never forgot what it was and I would recognize it now?c I swung from one end to another trying to learn what it really meant. Grasping at ideas that were completely foreign?c Can?ft a man be forgiven if he proves to be slow? And that day that you came?c I recognized you?c After many months of not seeing you or her.. Or that woman I fell in love with?c I saw you?c or at least for a brief moment you.. I came here as a hopeful creature?c You taught it to me. And yet?c Yes I realized that it?fs not easy, that you didn?ft know?c but when you did?c perhaps it was better that you didn?ft and I could just blame my writer for making that bargain?c Laugh at me?c Do that?c I am a vile and a foolish creature after all.
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Perhaps we never did love each other. That ours was purely borne out of lust?c That those words between us were merely words?c Since my existence to you and our past is strange and somehow unreal, then our very existence is unreal?c This thing between us is unreal because in your mind it was not true?c I wish.. I could be like you and forget?c No be like you and say it was a strange time and discount it. But I am not?c That was part of the reason back then that I could not forget you. But now I see?c That the person whom I did love is no more?c And the one who smiled for me is but a memory. I could say that it was all my fault and my doing?c but I think I lost her so much more earlier?c
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I lost her the time?c When I visited Souji?fs grave with her?c No earlier when my Hime insisted to impose one reality on us?c Was that you? Or your writer? Or a collaboration of both? When she knew I was only one and always will be. My Hime-sama became Yagi Hide?c And I was right, that when she found her true self?c
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But finding your true self isn?ft bad. It?fs not so I won?ft penalize her for that. All I can say is, people?c They change and unfortunately I am just a man chasing after shadows of the past?c And she is right, I should go back to Tokyo.
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For me.. Yes it does matter if they continue or not.. But I have my second thoughts about continuing. Which is why I left the decision to you and hide. Unfair? Yeah of course. LOL. I of course do not like him being too angsty, but I can?ft force him to think something else when clearly he?fs thinking of being angsty. I don?ft think they?fd truly will be happy without a past?c And recreating it or making new ones is good, but yes it is right.. it is like ummm a disservice to who they were. Maybe it?fs just come to a point that they are different. I just wish he wasn?ft so stubborn and just let it go. It sure would be easier for both of them.