May 2, 1885 – Night Ramblings

Finally?EUR? Silence?EUR?
I go down the hill and hear the gentle waves of the ocean to my left. Like a magnet it draws me to come near the shore. It is not too late yet. No for people like myself who are used to living in the shadows, there is no difference between night and day. They are all one thing?EUR? Just an empty space where we move in. Naturally, I take out my cigarettes, an old companion through thick and thin. They remind me of who I am for some reason. No wonder we go together?EUR? We are made for each other.
I spot a rock and pick it up. I wonder what my daughter sees in them? But not sooner had the thought crossed my mind, I throw it parallel to the water making it spin and glide and hop on the water three times before it ended up with a definite ?EURoeplop!?EUR?.
She doesn?EUR(TM)t remember?EUR?
Shaking my head I drag on the tobacco and sat at the same place where I waited for darkness that first night we met here in Itou. I was nervous that time but the possibilities were endless that it was too hard to pass up going up the hill. How ironic I keep going back to places I?EUR(TM)ve been to already?EUR? Even before when we were apart. It helped me somehow to get to this point?EUR? To hope, she taught me that a long time ago and I never forgot?EUR? Rather I couldn?EUR(TM)t forget ?EUR“anything-. I still don?EUR(TM)t, those things are still so real to me as if they were only yesterday. Taking out my wallet I take the note. The last glimpse I got of her?EUR? That time when I still didn?EUR(TM)t know what it meant to love unconditionally. I still don?EUR(TM)t ?EUR“understand-, it?EUR(TM)s a hard lesson to learn I think, but something snapped that time and literally I took the plunge. Unprepared perhaps but completely determined, but that was my doing.
I rip the note to pieces and let the wind carry it along with the white clouds hovering over my head. I was chasing shadows after all. All I could ever do to my Hime-sama was hurt her?EUR? She doesn?EUR(TM)t remember. Maybe decided to forget?EUR? Or maybe worse, she never believed in a word I said, even when she told me she did. I am after all a difficult man and a lustful one as well.
The cigarette burns dangerously short, I let the butt fall to the ground carelessly and lit another up. I could blame them all but in the end, just like back then this only concerned us. Not ?EUR“him- nor ?EUR“her- nor anyone in between?EUR? They were inconsequential and to thrive in lies back then and now?EUR? And surviving comes first, before anything else?EUR? And to need someone?EUR? She?EUR(TM)s always thought that as weakness and still does. It doesn?EUR(TM)t take a genius to figure that out. She hates me because ?EUR“I- made her weak because I asked her to come with me, to be with me. I should?EUR(TM)ve figured that out much earlier when she refused me?EUR? A chuckle escapes my throat once again, how ironic I completely forgot about that yesterday. I shouldn?EUR(TM)t have asked her to come to Tokyo. Funny she accepted this time, perhaps because of Makoto, but she should know I do ?EUR“not- abandon my children. Ah wait?EUR? I was for a time hesitant and nervous of the child. Ah of course, that?EUR(TM)s why?EUR? It is my doing that she is nervous I?EUR(TM)d turn Makoto away. It is ?EUR“my- doing this whole mess?EUR?
Of course it is, moron?EUR? Go back to Tokyo.
I stand up and let the white stick dangle from the corner of my mouth making my way back to the nursery unhindered. Once there, I take my belongings and throw them all into the bag including the kimono and tanto I used yesterday. Slinging the sack behind my shoulder I grab my nippontou and head out. There should be a train heading to Tokyo right about now.. And if not there is always one in the morning.
(OOC: Saitou leaves Ito)