By the time I get back to my room, it was almost morning. It is a good thing the old man Takikawa is not yet awake as I open the side gate slowly and slid inside. If he had seen myself with a torn and dirty kimono and a black eye, I do not think I can explain everything quite well. Changing quickly, I throw the dirty kimono into the drawers of the tansu and hide the katana from view. The bruise can easily be explained I would think. “I got drunk last night Takikawa-san and hit a ditch on the road and fell.” He’ll believe that, after all he does not know me well enough, to deduce my drinking habits nor how I carry myself when intoxicated.
I open the window to let some air in. I can’t believe the ahou landed a clean blow to my face, am I really this weak? I doubt he was as strong as Sanosuke back then when we fought during the Shishio mess. So that only means… No… It can’t be. I reach inside the shirt and run my hand on my aching shoulder. It can’t be that… I was just careless and thus revealed my weakness. The bastard took advantage of it. And yet I have to frown, if I had been thinking clearly then I would not have been careless. If I had been thinking clearly, I would’ve waited to hear back from Niishimi and do this -properly-. I -was- careless, just like that time I was ambushed.
Is it that? Or am I just weak? A clear mind is the first requirement of a swordsman, why then did I not think this through?
If I was -thinking-, I would know that I had not gotten all the information I needed to decide whether to kill Ogawa or not. I had wanted to kill him outside the tenets I have built my life around. I narrow my eyes at the moon and lit up a cigarette, thank providence that somehow I remembered not to cross that line. Or I will be like what I was back then when I was nineteen… And this time there would be no Kondou and no Shinsengumi to lead me back. I would’ve betrayed them and my whole existence. But why did I do it? The whole event burrows a deep hole in my stomach as I let out a cloud of white.
As I stood there, I laid my head heavily by the side of the window. If I can continuously bang my head against it, perhaps it will clear my mind. But I knew it won’t and it will only lead to an old man checking in on myself at the worst possible time. Bringing the cigarette to my lips, I inhale quite sharply and start to choke.
What the hell?
The charred clouds traveled the length of my aching windpipe and left a very vile taste in my mouth. I beat my chest for a few minutes trying to find clear air and in between I curse at every living thing?EUR? Not for the discomfort but for everything else that only leads me to confusion. As the coughing subsided, I realize that for all this time I had been rash in my actions… And that I cannot rely on the things I had done today or said today. I slump to the floor and leaned my back against the wall right below the window sill. Too many mistakes… Back then and now. The brothel, the yakuza, the Keishikan, my children and Hide. I need to slow down… To think… Not grab at every strand that I think is right or I feel is right.
Ogawa is taken cared of… If he shows his face here again and threaten her and my child, I know for sure that I will kill him. So for that not to happen, he must be put in jail… But at least for now he -is- taken cared of… For now.
I narrow my eyes at the moonlight ray that penetrated my room. But what now of Tokyo? There are many things there that I do not want her to see. Things that linger out of my own doing and things that I still plan to do. Even now, at times like this?EUR? Especially earlier?EUR? She?EUR(TM)s not really seen me. Never really. Seeing is different from knowing?EUR? She understood the work of the Shinsengumi back then, those times when it was necessary. If she were to see who I really am, aside from the vile creature she ran away from before?EUR? Her quest for peace is why we had drifted apart and I will always be living in and out of the shadows?EUR? Aside from which even if she is -there- nothing will change, I will not be around at all times and if anyone were to find out that I was clandestinely living with her, then not only is her reputation in danger but her life and Makoto’s as well. I am a fool to think my presence will protect her in Tokyo, on the contrary?EUR? My hands they formed into a fist?EUR? Is this what I have done to Tokio? To Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi?
You idiot!!! You should’ve thought of this earlier!!!
I close my eyes trying to find some clarity. A reasonable solution to the problems I had brought upon myself… But I find none and the most I can do is not get her involved like I once have, when she left me because she could not be in chaos like I was.
Keep it up and you shall ruin this again…
This I know to be true… The reason she is here in Ito is because she wanted a life of peace… For me to mislead her into thinking that Tokyo will be a much better place for her just because I am there is horrid. I know for a fact that the shadows there do not disappear as easily.
Oh so show her how fickle you can be moron!
To back out now… Can I still do it? Remain like this? It is highly unfair and yet I cannot tell her the reasons why. She will leave me once again… But maybe it is better for her to leave? The cigarette burns my finger and I jolt slightly and put it out on the tatami, while it smoked burning a small hole before finally dying down.
And what will you tell Makoto? That you’re her father and love her mother and yet cannot leave your wife? That the reason her mother gets mocked is because of you, the unknown face who plagues them and is yet very real? And that someday people will mock her as well, when they find out about your past? Or maybe she will mock you and hold a grudge against you like your son?EUR?
Holding my head with both hands, I try to crush my skull. Why these voices? Where do they come from? I am her father… I want her to know me… Am I this selfish? Yes… I am willing to get my child hurt because I am this selfish, like when I manipulated Hide… Back then… It’s the same… It should not be. But which reality is true? Which should be revealed and which should not be. The value of truth, I hold that as the most important thing I have learned back in those days and yet here I am unable to deal with it. Looking for an anchor that cannot be, something to hold on to and yet holding back unable to grasp it. A delusion, the strength that I have found has lost its meaning in the passage of time.
Kill yourself now ahou. Take that tanto and commit seppuku. You -know- you are a disgrace, to the Keishikan and to all of them.
I take out the bloodied tanto from earlier, the voices in my head do not stop for some reason. They are loud like thunder and once again I stand in the middle of the storm, only this time there is no eye to situate myself in. I look towards where my nippontou is hidden and shake my head trying to clear it. When was the last time I had doubted this severely? When was the last time I had even considered this? Ah yes back then, in the castle walls. When I was the only one left from the pack of wolves and my name and existence lost it’s meaning.
I make no motion to stand up, as if shackles are bound to my feet. Hiding my face behind my arms, I closed my eyes. Sleep… Sleep will come soon and there will be a moment of peace.
You coward…
A chuckle escapes my throat but the night passes and I drift off in the darkness.
(OOC: Saitou will sleep here sitting up till mid-day. You can chose whether or not to enter this thread. I will move him tomorrow if there is no activity.)
May 2, 1885 – Early morning to mid-day – Blades
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The nursery is closest, just at the bottom of the hill. People nod at me on the street as they normally do. Maybe it hasn’t come out…
Or maybe they’ve just not heard -yet-.
The front is crowded, as is usual for a spring morning – days like this bring out all of the part-time gardeners. I use the side entrance, slipping back to the little building that I found here for Hajime to stay. Maybe…
Sliding open the door, I see him.
He’s here. I’m relieved. I step inside, closing the door behind me and setting down my basket.
Sleeping standing up… why? And then I see the dark area around his eye. What happened? “Hajime,” I say, in a low voice, stepping forward to put my hand on his left shoulder.
I stir with the hand on my shoulder. I look up from where I am sitting.
It’s her…
A momentary panick comes over me and I look down, slowly taking the tanto and sliding it towards my back so she doesn’t see. I was supposed to do something today, I can’t remember… Rather, she’s here and I am caught completely off guard.
“Ah…” I look around for something to talk about. Something aside from what I’m not ready for. It’s then that my eyes settle on the basket, “What’s inside?”
I swallow and cough slightly. Get up ahou…
(OOC: Take liberties if you want with what’s written here.. He is slow and not thinking clearly)
I kneel next to him, brushing his bangs back and looking at his injury. “What happened?” I have a feeling it’s a question he won’t answer… and I see him trying to hide something… a blade glints in the morning light.
Something seems off… it’s not the bruise around his eye, or that I caught him sleeping… “Inside? Ah, I brought you breakfast. If you’re feeling like it.”
“I’m going to get some water… I’ll be right back. It would be best if you laid down so I could see to that eye.” I say, standing up. Sliding the door open, I step back out to the well I’ve noticed on prior trips here.
“What happened?”
What was it again? The cover for the old man…
“Had a few drinks…” I blink realizing this will be… It’s better this way, “I was drunk and got into a fight. Nothing serious. I started it.”
“Inside? Ah, I brought you breakfast. If you’re feeling like it.”
“No… No breakfast.” My throat still hurts from being strangled and it feels like someone just shoved a thousand rocks into it.
“I’m going to get some water… I’ll be right back. It would be best if you laid down so I could see to that eye.”
I nod and watch her leave. Grabbing the tanto I open the drawer of the tansu and the dirty kimono is there. I wipe the blade off one side, the blood is caked already and I scowl. Eventually it does come off and I slam the tansu close.
I need my bag…
Looking around, I remember that I’ve left it at Hide’s house. My head throbs and I take a few paces towards the table and sat there. I do not want to lie down… It will be… proof…
I need her to get it…
Breathing heavily I grab a half-empty pack of cigarettes and looked back to where I was seated before. The old man will have a fit with the tatami burnt. I grit my teeth and stood up, pulling the lamp on the corner I place it over the burnt hole.
Better much better…
Collapsing by the lamp, I start to smoke. Heavy puffs… I need to get out of here.
Drinking?
I come back with water, and pull out a cloth from my basket that I had covering the food. I also bring out the ashtray I bought at the market a few weeks back at his request but forgot to bring down, and set it beside him. Dipping the cloth in the water, I wring out the excess before folding it and kneeling next to Hajime. Why did he put a lamp there? I move it as it’s in my way and notice a burn in the tatami. Was he trying to hide that too?
“Drinking… ah… I saw you last night at my house. Rather late… Ito may be a resort town but it does close down quite early in the off-season, where did you find to go?” I look at him as I put the cloth against his eye. “This might sting a little,” I warn.
“Of all the things that went wrong between us you never lied to me. It would be best if you do not start now. Tell me, talk to me.”
I keep pressing the cool wet cloth against his eye. “Talk to me now, or you might as well go back to Tokyo.” I pause, trying to keep calm and my hands steady. “I’m not… going to let us fall into silence again.”
There are things I can accept, compromise on. But repeating mistakes… is the one thing I will not allow to happen. I push back on his good shoulder. “Now, lay down.” I wonder how much more he is injured… what he really went out to do last night… and how it ties into what happened to me.
“Drinking… ah… I saw you last night at my house. Rather late… Ito may be a resort town but it does close down quite early in the off-season, where did you find to go?”
“Nagashima…” I answer as she brings the cloth to my eye. I wince slightly.
Don’t be so skittish… Stupid voices…
“Of all the things that went wrong between us you never lied to me. It would be best if you do not start now. Tell me, talk to me.”
She wants me to talk… But what to say, other than to prove I am decrepit both in mind and body. That sooner or later she’ll be dragged to my curse… I do not want to speak… Why can’t we just keep things as they are? She should let me be and let me tell her things that will be easier for both of us. It’s only one lie… It’s better than the truth…
“Talk to me now, or you might as well go back to Tokyo.”
Go back… I should go back… She’s right. I take her hand that is pressed over my eye. How amazing how it still feels the same… But things aren’t the same. I should go back as she said.
“That’s enough.” I mutter and go against her hand that is pushing on my shoulder. It is good that she feels the same way. That we should not go back, Tokyo is the past for us and her.
As if by the devil, I smirk. “Thank you I’m feeling better. I spoke to Sugiyama by the way…”
I do not trust her…
“You can go back to work on Monday.” I fixate my gaze on the tansu, “Things will return to normal.” I say absent-mindedly.
“Can you get my bag? It would not be good for Makoto to see me right now. But do take the marbles that’s in the side pocket, I promised her that she’ll get it if she was good.”
And I know she was…
I breathe slowly, everything seems to be coming to a stand still. It’s better yes to go back.
“Nagashima,” I repeat. Hardly a reputable place… not one of the better places here in Ito. ”
He doesn’t talk… instead he speaks of Sugiyama-san, and a gift for Makoto. “Your bag… yes. Thank you for dealing with Sugiyama-san.”
This is just like before… I think of pears, suddenly, and how bitter they tasted that summer.
Things will return to normal.
I jerk my head up. “Normal?” I remove my hand from his face and the damp cloth falls down onto his chest.
“Normal… then you will do as I say, go back to Tokyo and never look back? Forget that I called to you to find me here, to be with me again? Finally, are you going to make yourself forget me? Then that’s probably for the best too. Do that. Keep yourself -safe-. Keep me safe, don’t tell Hide anything, yes, protect her.”
“Go and keep your silence, keep your secrets. Yesterday I let you see mine, my fears, my darkness, my weakness. You are the man I love and trust. But if you wish to keep me in the dark…”
“I’ve lived in the shadows long enough. I want to know your pain, your joys, your fears and your triumphs, if I am to truly be in your life. Have a little more faith in me, that I won’t run if you talk to me and what you have to say is painful, or not pretty.”
I keep my gaze at him steady. In this… I am resolved. I’m not going to let myself get lost again and fall into the same traps. It would be so easy, so easy to let him keep his silence, and fuss over him and keep a face…
That didn’t work before. Nor did breaking down.
“Normal… then you will do as I say, go back to Tokyo and never look back? Then that’s probably for the best too.
The anger in her voice it seeps through my veins as if it was poison. A long time ago, I told her to speak to me, to show when she was angry or hurt. That it was alright. That it is for the best. How ironic that I find no solace in that.
Do that. Keep yourself -safe-. Keep me safe, don’t tell Hide anything, yes, protect her.”
Amazing how are situations are reversed. But I know I do what I can, what I think is right so I can live with myself. People shouldn?EUR(TM)t always take risks, there is value in being safe.
“I’ve lived in the shadows long enough.
This I know to be true. I wanted to take her out a long time ago until I realized the shadow she lives in and that I offer is just of a different variety. Enough?EUR? I?EUR(TM)ve also had enough?EUR? But I have no resolve to fight, unlike that other part of me that stubborn man is gone.
I want to know your pain, your joys, your fears and your triumphs, if I am to truly be in your life. Have a little more faith in me, that I won’t run if you talk to me and what you have to say is painful, or not pretty.”
My eyes are burning as they looked back at her vehemently. ?EURoeTriumphs????EUR? I grab hold of her hand and push her against the wall. ?EURoeThere?EUR(TM)s no such thing?EUR? I failed.?EUR?
My face hovers over hers as I grip her wrist tightly while the other secured her shoulders to the wall. ?EURoeYou never looked at me for what I was back then, so why do you expect me to trust you? And as for joy?EUR??EUR?
We lost that a long time ago?EUR?
I breathe heavily and slam my fist beside the wall. My aching muscles made themselves apparent at the worst of times. Letting her go, I turn. I?EUR(TM)ve ruin things?EUR? An old promise to myself I couldn?EUR(TM)t keep.
A cool wind blows into the room from the window. I turn to see the sea as it reflects the clouds above?EUR?
The sky it is so blue?EUR?
An old memory intrudes of how blue it was that day she told me a child that I have wanted was on the way?EUR? Although I knew I had decided already about her even before Makoto?EUR? That one fact obliterated every doubt I had for a time especially about an old friend?EUR? An old friend that I should really visit?EUR? If he was here, if he was I?EUR? I doubt he?EUR(TM)d ever make her unhappy.
Why did you have to die ahou? You could?EUR(TM)ve done what I can?EUR(TM)t?EUR? You could?EUR(TM)ve made her smile again.
That smile?EUR? I wonder when I?EUR(TM)ll see it again? It?EUR(TM)s always been so off the few times she did. I am truly a horrible man?EUR?
?EURoeSuma?EUR? It might be best though that we do not go on with our plans to move back to Tokyo.?EUR? I grit my teeth in frustration.
Triumphs??? There’s no such thing… I failed.
He shoves me against the wall in a sudden move and I’m reminded… of that morning. But this isn’t then… and this is Hajime, not that man. I stay calm… it’s more important that I remember where I am now. “You speak as if it’s already over and done with, Hajime. Is it?”
You never looked at me for what I was back then, so why do you expect me to trust you? And as for joy…
“Back -when-?” I ask. My wrists hurt, I wish he hadn’t been so rough. “Back in Kyoto I knew – do you think I thought you all to be a bunch of men who dressed alike and took walks at night? And in Tokyo – you kept me out of your work… but that was also my mistake, I started drawing lines of what could and could not be talked about, in all of the places you were…”
I look at him for a long moment. It is… strange to speak of such things. “What did you lose to come here? In that note you showed me… you gave up something, didn’t you?”
Is this what has changed in him? Something subtle… that I can’t quite place.
He lets me go after taking out his frustration on the wall and goes to look at the ocean.
I stand behind him, a step away, looking at his back. “Trust me… you’ve never -tried- me in that regard. Some of the problems in the past aren’t here anymore, but some remain.” How badly I want to hold him, to soothe him, to tell him that it will be alright. But I can’t lie to him… I can’t offer pretty lies to myself anymore. “Don’t underestimate me. I may have been sheltered, but I was never ignorant. If you truly believe that I don’t understand you…”
Then there is no hope. I’m glad he cannot see my face, as I hold onto the resolve that keeps me speaking and facing these hard things that we must face.
Suma… It might be best though that we do not go on with our plans to move back to Tokyo.
He says this… and I knew he would say this, to push me back away. The words come out so painfully from him… is this what he truly wants now? “My wish to be by your side remains unchanged.” I say simply, honestly. “But I go to a life with you knowing that being together won’t solve everything.”
“You speak as if it’s already over and done with, Hajime. Is it?”
It is raining… Against the blue sky there is rain. Her voice echoes asking me to answer a question… Is it over? Unlike back then, I have no answer.
And in Tokyo – you kept me out of your work… but that was also my mistake, I started drawing lines of what could and could not be talked about, in all of the places you were…”
I was what? What was I and what am I now? A rush of water flows past my ears.
“What did you lose to come here? In that note you showed me… you gave up something, didn’t you?”
Something… But that’s not her concern. It was -my- choice. I just didn’t have enough time to think and my work suffered… That’s why I’m here clouded. Someone told me once, I was a jerk for putting those important people behind… I thought I learned from that and moved on but how can years be fixed in a span of a month?
“Trust me… you’ve never -tried- me in that regard. Some of the problems in the past aren’t here anymore, but some remain.”
To trust her? The shattering of watery glass rips my ear drums. How many times did we fight over this? That it was better not to talk of those things? They aren’t here now yes… But she is.
“Don’t underestimate me. I may have been sheltered, but I was never ignorant. If you truly believe that I don’t understand you…”
I know how she will end that, so I turned around. “If I believed that… Then what?”
I hold her gaze now. There’s no point looking away this time but I do need a stick of tobacco so I lit one up. There are some things that people will not stand for. I knew that and it really does not surprise me anymore.
“My wish to be by your side remains unchanged.” I say simply, honestly. “But I go to a life with you knowing that being together won’t solve everything.”
“Then do not go to Tokyo if you wish for us to be together… It is better here even if there are wagging tongues like your employer.” I already know what comes next. She is right I still do not think she understands. To find that careful balance of being forgiving and being stern, it is like a see-saw with us. To be strong and weak, but never anything in between. To need someone and to be rejected… I cannot go through that again. I want to be safe and here in Ito it is the safest place of all.
If I believed that… Then what?
I look back at him. “Then perhaps you assume wrong.” This life in Ito has been educational in a sense, leaving the sheltered circle I moved in in Kyoto and even in Tokyo, learning how other women were raised and the values and ideals of the merchants and farmers as opposed to those I learned as a daughter in a samurai family. “Believe in me, as I believe in you. I won’t run.”
Then do not go to Tokyo if you wish for us to be together… It is better here even if there are wagging tongues like your employer.
“Ah. We cannot run…” I ran away once from problems I couldn’t face. “But I want a home with you and our daughter. Forgive me for being greedy and wanting more than circumstances allow us to have right now.” A bit of a smile graces my lips, as I look away from him to the window beyond. Yes… always wanting too much. How to balance what I want with what we can actually have. Bittersweet… that is what it is with him.
“But better here? I did call you -here-…” I look back to him. “Ah. The sunrises are particularly fine… they say the sea air is good.” I feel something I had wanted slipping away… but there is more than one path. There must be… “So keep coming to Ito on that red-eye from Tokyo… you will get here in time to join me for the sunrise.”
I wish… That she would walk away from me. To give me the answer to a problem that I cannot find a solution to. How she fills my life, that cannot be denied. She still hangs on though and I wish I was the same, able to fight for her. But I’m not and to turn the tides all at the same time is something I can no longer do.
I shrug when I should apologize. Those brown eyes are sad once again but I do not comfort them, nor do I show her I noticed. I am a hypocrite after all.
It’s funny a long time ago, I thought I could be someone she could rely on. That day when I held her as she cried, I thought I could be someone for her. And all I hear is rain on this bright sunny day.
I move away from the window and let her watch the view from there. Taking the ashtray, I put out the cigarette and rummage through the basket. I might as well eat.
“Where did you leave Makoto?” I ask in a low tone. “Later… If you can lend me your concealer and powder that would be good.”
Taking a bite, the food tastes bland.
He gives me no answer. How I wish I could collapse and cling. I wish I could find out how to be strong and weak all at once. I wish I could understand how that works.
Where did you leave Makoto?
“Ah, the Mochizukis,” I answer. Time has passed and I should see to my errands. He starts on the food I brought. And I… feel so rooted to this spot on the floor… “I will bring that, yes. You should keep the cool cloth on it though, in the meantime, to keep the swelling down.” My voice sounds distant, even as it comes from my throat.
Lost… stuck… incapable of action. It seems so strange that it’s rather effortless to step to kneel behind where he sits, and I wrap an arm around him and bury my face in the space where his neck meets his left shoulder. To need him yet still keep myself intact… “Just keep talking to me. Just as I will to you… because I can’t lose you again.”
“I will bring that, yes. You should keep the cool cloth on it though, in the meantime, to keep the swelling down.”
“I will.” I take another bite of the fish and chew slowly. Blank…
Moron…
It’s then that a pair of arms, I look down to it. Wasn’t she angry earlier? She had a right to. I backed out.
So why?
I close my eyes as she puts her face on my shoulder.
Just keep talking to me. Just as I will to you…
Those words, they seem familiar and yet I cannot place where I’ve heard them before. Why it bothers me that they seem important…
because I can’t lose you again
I open my mouth slowly, some words poured out, “I told you before I won’t leave, without telling you.”
My hands go reach for hers. They’re only words I know that. But even when they come out, I feel like someone else was speaking them. As if they weren’t from myself. But I know they’re mine they just sound so insincere for some reason.
I told you before I won’t leave, without telling you.
That sits so strange, those words. Was that supposed to comfort me? Slowly I let go of him. A bit angry at myself for that display of affection. And there’s nothing I can say to what he said.
How I must confuse him. I must seem so fickle and insincere. To be speaking as I did earlier yet then yet give into that wish to be close to him.
A night spent in his arms, talking about everything and nothing and all the things that matter and don’t… and old memory flashes back. I try to send it away, again glad that his back is turned to me.
Because even though I say these things that must be said… doesn’t mean that I love him any less. That I need him any less.
“I will bring your bag back down shortly.” I stand, leaning back down to retrieve my basket and leave him with the food. “Take care of yourself.”
With a final look back, I slide the door open and leave.
(OOC – exits)
I finish the fish and decide to just throw the chopstick and the small container that was left over. I?EUR(TM)m feeling slightly better, how frightening that I do ?EUR“now-, when she is away.
Why?
I head over to the window and settle myself there. I could leave now just like how I planned last night had I not slept in. But I already told her I?EUR(TM)d not leave without telling her ?EUR“again-.
I frown, the time I left her that day in the garden, I left because I felt like I was not good enough for her and in time she?EUR(TM)ll find what she was looking for. But I couldn?EUR(TM)t just leave, I needed closure so I wrote her and somehow with us talking we tried again and I promised her that I will no longer leave without telling her. Of course I couldn?EUR(TM)t promise that I won?EUR(TM)t leave, I couldn?EUR(TM)t lie to her back then. It would at least be for the best that I leave not in the same manner without saying a word.
Looking around the room, I lit up a cigarette. I could still leave, as long as she?EUR(TM)s not here. But that though would mean I?EUR(TM)d be lying once again. Why is it that I seem to be going backwards from who I was with her a long time ago? I was petty and conniving back then, but never a coward nor a liar. Taking a long drag I watch the waves as they roll towards the shore slowly.
This room is suffocating?EUR?
Just a walk somewhere?EUR? Maybe that will clear my senses. Taking a piece of paper, I write a short note. ?EURoeWill be back soon.?EUR? I decide to head out avoiding the main road. Walking aimlessly through the side streets before finally entering the woods.
Where was it that the river flowed in this place?
(OOC: Exits thread)
exits here