[20:49] *** “hajime” signed off at Tue Mar 22 20:49:34 2005.
[21:38] hajime: start?
[21:38] hide: Sure
[21:39] hajime: you start.
[21:40] hide: It’s late afternoon, and I finish doing things around the house. I get things set out for dinner, but I’ll wait and cook until he arrives.
[21:42] hajime: She told me to come today. So I stop by her gates for a moment. Then finally decide to open it and enter the house. I head inside, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. “I’m here.” I call out
[21:42] hide: I smile, seeing him. “Good evening, Hajime.”
[21:43] hajime: “Hello Hide.” I leave my things at the table and head over where she’s at.
[21:44] hide: “I have things for dinner… we can eat now, or a little later.” I offer. I walk into the tatami room, and sit. It’s nice to sit after running around all day.
[21:46] hajime: “We should eat first.” I say and seat myself, i pull out my cigarette and wait.
[21:47] hide: I rise. “I was thinking tofu, fried? Do you want vegetables as well?” Some of the weariness from earlier has lessened… it’s the waiting, I think, that makes me feel sometimes as if I’m dragging.
[21:49] hajime: “The chinese has a dish that has tofu and vegetables in it… Perhaps put some stringbeans, carrots and water cress.” I’m not really a cook, so I don’t remember. “Will you need help?” I add.
[21:50] hide: “I think I can manage to put something like that together…” I nod. “You can help me cut up things, that would be good.” I walk towards the kitchen, and first get a glass of water before tying my hair back.
[21:52] hajime: I follow to the kitchen… and got myself a knife. it feels good in my hands. anything with a blade always did… “Where’s the vegtable?”
[21:54] hide: I pull some out of the basket where I keep them. “I don’t have much watercress…” I set them out on the counter, and pull the tofu out of where I keep that. Then I go to get the pan out and hot. “How have you been?” I ask.
[21:56] hajime: I take the vegetables and start cutting them up. I chose not to answer her question. DOn’t know really how to answer it. “So what have you been doing?”
[21:58] hide: It was an awkward question to ask. “I’ve been fine, even if it’s so hot.” As the pan heats I prepare the tofu. “Went to the market. Wrote my brothers. Worked around here.” I turn to watch him, cutting the vegetables. “Quiet, as always.” I smile at that.
[21:59] hajime: “That’s good Hide. People need some peace and quiet once in a while.” I hand her the vegetables and take a few more. Slicing and dicing it… Expertly… I’m really good with any blade…
[22:01] hide: Taking the vegetables, I add that and the tofu to the pan… adding sauce. Steam rises, and I concentrate on the task before me. I am still an excellent cook, after all. “Could you get the table ready?” Domestic moments like this… it hints at the kind of life we -could- have, the kind of life I want… the dream that I still carry
[22:03] hajime: “Yes…” I clear the small table in the kitchen and sit down. trying to finish the cigarette i had earlier.
[22:04] hide: I pull down the serving dishes, as I put the finishing touches on the dish. I sneak a small bite of the tofu. Hmmm… bringing it and plates over to the table. “Do you want coffee? Or water? I have milk of course…” But not now. I want more water.
[22:06] hajime: “coffee please…”
[22:07] hide: I nod, making it and bringing the cup to the table, along with my water. I sit down. “So… tell me… is it like the dish you were thinking of?”
[22:08] hajime: “It smells like it.” I take a bite and nod.
[22:09] hide: “Ah good… I have a reputation to live up to, after all.” I smile softly before taking a bite. The combination is interesting but works. More watercress would have been better, though.
[22:10] hajime: “Yes you do have that reputation…” I say and watch her before turning my attention back at the tofu. it tastes relatively well.
[22:12] hide: I’m glad to see him eating, at least. “When I write my brothers I still mention that you come to see me, you know. They know that you are in my life, at least.” Yuunosuke’s last letter had a gumbling mention of it, even.
[22:14] hajime: I nod about her brother… Yuunosuke… I think I like him the most but then again, it’s not like he’s… I don’t know. “Does your brother still likes books?”
[22:16] hide: I shake my head, laughing a little. “Of course. I have to make a weekly trip down to this little shop here to see if these imports he’s after have come in. His letters are usually shopping lists…” But he’s always been so fascinated by learning, and now, learning about the west.
[22:17] hajime: “That’s good… it points to an open mind.” I finish my meal and bring it to the counter. “You can give me a list and I can see if they have them.”
[22:18] hide: I nod. “It’s mostly history… I’m not certain. I don’t understand English at all. But yes, I’ll get his list together, thank you.” I smile, looking at Hajime for a long moment before going back to my dinner.
[22:22] hajime: I light up… i see her look at me and i look back. she’s looking away now. “You can learn english. I’ve learned a few words… but going to a class might help.”
[22:25] hide: “It would be.” I agree. “Yuunosuke gave me a book at New Years, it’s in English about thier gardens. The pictures…” I smile. “I’d like to know the names.” None of the formality of our gardens… well, some seem very structured, some less so. “You know some?” I look at him again. When he’s gone… I seeing him.
[22:27] hajime: “No i don’t. You could ask your sister, i did not recognize those flowers she was looking at.” I shrug and take a drag of my cigarette.
[22:29] hide: “No, I meant, you know some English…” I don’t say anything about my sister. “She drug you plant shopping, I heard…” Wait, wait, can’t talk about that world. Done with my dinner, I rise and take my plate to the sink.
[22:31] hajime: It seems we stumbled upon a bad topic again. I finish my cigarette and dump it into the sink. “I should go. When should I see you to the doctor?” I ask.
[22:32] hide: “Going already?” I put my hand on his arm. “I would like you to stay a little longer…” I smile, looking up at him.
[22:33] hajimenokizu: I sigh at this and dig into my pocket again. “Was there something you wanted to do?” I don’t look at her as I light up.
[22:34] hide: “Wanted to do?” I shake my head. “Other than spend time with you, no.” My smile fades a bit. “Sometimes… I wish to be selfish and demand things, even if it’s just to see you for a while longer.” That’s the simplest thing I can demand right now.
[22:36] hajime: “Alright.” I go back and sit at the tatami room. I don’t really know what to talk about these days so I guess we’ll have to just stare at each other. That’s fine too, I am tired anyway.
[22:38] hide: Following him to the tatami room, I sit next to him. “We never have decided a name, have we?” Maybe he won’t be adverse to speaking about this.
[22:39] hajime: “I thought you already know what name I wanted.” I look back at her.
[22:40] hide: “Oh, yes, that post.” I look over at him. “Tell, me, though, the girl’s name, what does that mean?”
[22:41] hajimenokizu: I just alliterated the name… It means the same to me… although it is very close to the name of Kondou-san’s daughter…
[22:42] hide: “Ah, okay. Because my writer -has- seen Makoto as a girl’s name… that would work as well. But the meaning… it is a good one.” I think for a minute. “What is the name of Kondou-san’s daughter?”
[22:44] hajime: Tamako…” I take a longer drag on my cigarette. “Didn’t he talk to you about -them-?” I grin just slightly. Thinking how many times, I’ve been forced to hear of -them-.
[22:46] hide: I think back…. “He did. The name… just escaped me.” I smile. “It’s been a long time. He did tell me about her, when he wasn’t attempting to spar with me when I was Hidejiro.” I made the worst boy. I wonder how it was only Hajime that saw through me. “He was always very kind to me, to my family.”
[22:50] hajime: I shake my head at the name Hidejiro… If only she didn’t hid as a boy. “Sparring…” The grin drops off form my face but I nod about her comment of Kondou-san being -kind-. Which reminds me how Kamatari escaped what I meant earlier… I shouldn’t think about these things while I’m here. “Most people didn’t know that about him…” Most and up to now. Ah I must stop thinking.
[22:53] hide: “No, they don’t… but those of us who did… shouldn’t forget what kind of man he was.” I’m quiet for a moment. “Makoto or Tomako, those are good names.” I smile. “Which one… we shall just have to wait.” I sigh.
[22:54] hajime: I smile just a little… “So you agree?” I think for a long moment. “But if it does not suit your taste, perhaps you should think a bit more instead of just agreeing with me.”
[22:56] hide: I think about it “No… it is a name with -meaning-… not just something pretty.” I smile, shaking my head at the flower names I came up with. “For this I wouldn’t just agree to agree. The meaning… it is not just that, but a nod to the past we share, the people we knew, what they believed in. For our child… I think it is most appropriate.” I look over at him.
[23:00] hajime: “Thanks…” I say nothing else. “It’s unfortunate you can’t travel… unlike what you’ve told me before…” Maa… it’s not like I can really take Hide anywhere. I was not blessed with a high salary, nor some windfall from Hijikata like him. Should not think…
[23:02] hide: “Travel? We can ask Sasaki-sensei tomorrow. So far… he says I am doing well.” I am taking care of myself and active… so maybe I can. We’ll have to see.
[23:03] hajime: “No. You misunderstand.” I sigh. “But it’s good you are doing well. Your writer wanted to do something.. I can’t remember since it’s been a while since Kizu told me.”
[23:04] hide: Wanted to do something. “I’ll have to ask the writer. It has been a while since they talked about it.” Of course travel… makes me think of Kyoto. What must be faced there.
[23:05] hajime: “I thought that was you who wanted to do it?” I shake my head. “If it’s just your writer than I refuse to.”
[23:07] hide: “She was doing so much research for a while…” I think back. “Hajime… don’t worry about it.” I take his hand in mine.
[23:08] hajime: “If you want to do it. We’ll do it.” There’s a finality in my voice that even I am surprised about. She’s holding my hand. It’s been a while. I tap the ashes of my cigarette.
[23:10] hide: He doesn’t pull away, so I lace my fingers through his. It is something reassuring… “Okay. Thank you.” I smile at him. “If -I- want to do it, I will tell you -all- about it.”
[23:11] hajime: I nod slightly. “You should get that list before I leave.” I tell her.
[23:13] hide: I let go of his hand and get up, going upstairs to where I keep Yuunosuke’s letters. Coming back down. “I hope you can read his writing… ” I hand him the paper.
[23:14] hajime: I take a quick look. No.. I cannot read this, it looks foreign. Oh well, one of those people should be able to. I put it into my pocket.
[23:16] hide: “Thank you….” I sit back down. “He would be glad to find any of those.”
[23:17] hajime: I sit there. Just sitting… I don’t find the words to say so I stuck another cigarette in mouth.
[23:21] hide: He falls silent again, and again I reach for his hand. It seems natural but things lately… I move closer, and rest my head on his arm. I want to reassure him… and myself. I hold his hand tighter, words don’t come but… maybe I just want this moment. I demand only small things.
[23:24] hajime: She moves closer… It feels okay to have this, I guess. We can settle for this maybe. Settle… To just settle. There’s just so many things wrong with that. But I don’t open my mouth. I should not. She’s not turning me away, I guess this will do… But I don’t know… I’ll just wait.
[23:28] hide: Again he doesn’t move away, but he doesn’t move to hold me. Our past… what is it? It was once so natural to be like this. I only move closer, to where I can smell him. I like the smell of the cigarettes, it’s a part of him. It’s not to seduce him… just to be close again.
[23:32] hajime: I drag on my cigarette… She moves closer. It still interesting how she does that. Ironic maybe. Maa… I hate silence so I guess I’ll start idle chatter. “I know of an old man who keeps chasing shadows. I pity him a little.” I make no mention of names, better to be general in this case. I odn’t really have anything to say outside from what i know.
[23:34] hide: “Shadows…. those can be hard to chase. Illusive.” I look down. “But maybe these shadows…. are all he has. That is something to pity.”
[23:37] hajime: “Maa… Pity is moronic.” I grin just a little at a little girl who stuck the word to my head. “And as for shadows, everyone has a shadow they chase.” Yes that’s right I’ve been chasing shadows all my life.. and now i’ve just added another one to the list. Maa… So the old man and I are not too far different. She pities…
[23:42] hide: “Moronic? It can be… but I say it with sympathy, not to condemn.” I shake my head. “I don’t know this old man’s situation.” I don’t want to spend my life chasing shadows. Haunted. I want too much, but, at times, it’s so tantilizingly close, like this man beside me.
[23:46] hajime: “Of course you don’t…” I let the smoke out slowly, wondering when was the last time my eyes did not seem glazed. I’m not really sure why I’m even talking about him. Maa… Perhaps I want to be like him to just be taken by the currents. There is some freedom in that I think.
[23:50] hide: I sit back to look up at Hajime. I look at his face, the man I love so much. I bring my hand to rest on his cheek. “No, I don’t know.” He’s hurt, still, I think… as we both are. “It will take time,” I say, softly, almost to myself.
[23:55] hajime: I take her hand and secure it for a moment on my face. Why she can be like this, perhaps because it’s her sanctuary. “Yes it will take time for that old man to get what he needs. Those around him doesn’t particularly interested in giving it to him.” It’s too bad really, my plans will hurt him in a way. That can’t be helped.
[23:58] SafetyGirl0: “Ah… maybe in time he’ll find what he needs, someone who can give it to him.” I keep my hand to his face where his hand covers mine. “Maybe those shadows he chases…. will lead him to something.”
[00:01] hajime: “good for him then.” I finally remove her hand. Taking one last drag on my cigarette I put it out. “When do you want me to come here?”
[00:03] hide: “Sasaki-sensei said, barring emergencies, he would be at his clinic tomorrow afternoon, to come in when I could.” I finally let go oh his hand. Small steps, small steps. That’s all I can do right now.
[00:04] hajime: I stand up and get my cap and katana. “Alright. Post in SO and I’ll meet you there.” I take one last look at her and bow slightly, going on my way. (OOC: you may end)
[00:05] hide: I watch him leave, and go back to the kitchen to finish cleaning up. (OOC: end scene)