[22:34] *** “hajime” signed on at Sun Mar 20 22:34:51 2005.
[22:57] hajime: if hide wants to talk. he’s back.
[22:57] hide: Yes, she does
[22:57] hajime: go ahead.
[22:58] hide: Hello, Hajime.
[22:58] hajime: hello.
[22:59] hide: Ah… there are things to talk about. I’m afraid I didn’t -plan- it all out.
[22:59] hajime: sometimes it’s best not to plan.
[22:59] hide: I think so.
[22:59] hajime: *nods*
[23:01] hide: First… I want to apoligize for the chat the other night, still. It was a mistake, what I did. I know your work comes first. If I am second behind that… that’s no little thing. But I interefered, it was rash and foolish and I apoligize. I’m not perfect. *smiles a little* But… I won’t make that mistake again.
[23:01] hajime: that’s fine.
[23:02] hide: Ah. Okay. I wanted you to understand that. About the aspect of what that meant as regards your work.
[23:02] hajime: i can always fix work
[23:02] hide: FIx work?
[23:03] hajime: it doesn’t matter the interference. there are a lot who interfered. even tokio interferred and yet you see me trying to fix things don’t you? so work will be fine.
[23:03] hajime: i’m not an idiot.
[23:03] hide: But I know that what happened is more than about work.
[23:04] hajime: go on.
[23:05] hide: I told you that I wouldn’t come over there and I did, at least in that chat. Again, it was foolish and rash, not something deliberate to hurt you. I didn’t -think-… I’m aware of the division. I’m aware of my place. I was just… wrong, in so many ways, to do that. I’m sorry.
[23:06] hajime: i’m not putting you in your place. never had.
[23:07] hide: I’m the one who insisted on these divisions. You never have told me to -stay- here. That’s always been my own rule.
[23:07] hajime: yes -your- rule.
[23:08] hajime: that’s fine.
[23:08] hide: And I broke it. I know. I insisted on it and broke it. I am at times -weak-. I hope… that it something you can tolerate in me. That I’m not always strong. That I will make mistakes.
[23:09] hajime: yes alright. *sighs* it’s fine hide. we’ll just take whatever comes.
[23:11] hide: Ah. Thank you. All I can do is try but… it’s worth it. Still. Always.
[23:11] hajime: i know that.
[23:12] hide: Because… in the end I still love you. In the end I still need you. Not because of the child… I loved you before that.
[23:13] hajime: thanks… as always take care of yourself.
[23:14] hide: I do… and you should as well. But it’s not the end yet. We’re still in -now-
[23:14] hajime: still in now?
[23:15] hide: Yes.
[23:15] hajime: i have no idea what you are talking about.
[23:17] hide: What I meant… is that it’s not the end. We’re still here, now.. trying. I still have hope for us, as I always have. Maybe I’m not so terribly naive now… but I still have hope in us, faith in us.
[23:17] hide: And in you.
[23:19] hajime: well… things will always be here. it’s not like you can erase them. i already told you before i’m not leaving like last time. i WILL tell you. *shakes head* Maa…
[23:20] hide: This isn’t about you leaving, Hajime. I know that you’re staying, you told me you were.
[23:20] hajime: well what is it?
[23:22] hide: I don’t know what to say to dispell your doubts. How I can -prove- to you… all I have is words. I can tell you I love you… it’s not just something I -say-. Do you remember the first time I told you? The writer yelled at me for having poor timing. That I revealed too much. But… it was something I wanted you to know. It wasn’t so important that you told me that you loved me. It was that you knew that I did.
[23:26] hajime: this will just be my problem. i just have to find the same reasons when we went to kyoto. after all i’m the one with the issues. and as you said there’s nothing that can be done.
[23:30] hide: It is yours but it -is- ours, though. Because I don’t -demand- things don’t think I don’t love you. Because I will hold fast to the rules about our universes… it’s not because I don’t want to see you. To be with you and support you always. I hope in time you will find what you need to know about us. I don’t yet have all of the answers, either, but I there’s the one thing I know that I can always go back to. When seen through the light of that… sometimes all of these things I think settle down and make a little sense.
[23:34] hajime: You can’t support me Hide. because I will no longer talk of that world. I do not want to anymore. Maybe it will make your world bland, I don’t know. but don’t expect me to smile for you when you want to. it’s a trade-off. and right now i can’t bring back any of what we had before because bringing it back is too closely tied to who I am there.
[23:37] hide: I want you to smile only if you wish to. A sincere smile… that is the only one I want to see. I want to make you happy, Hajime… It’s such a word, -happy-… but I want you to be glad you come here when I ask you here. But what you said about bringing what we had before? Do you mean when I was able to support you, or our past as a whole?
[23:40] hajime: I don’t know what we had… and it’s pathetic for a man to just… i don’t know Hide. perhaps i’ve just hit a roadblock.
[23:43] hide: What we had? When you would come to me and just talk? Tell me about those people over there, who were making things difficult? Who tried to make you out to be someone you weren’t? We would talk and maybe, for a short time, in doing that, and holding each other, you would find something. Is that pathetic? I don’t think so. I still want to be that for you, because I want to do what I can to help you. It’s all a part of loving you… to know that I can give you something, to ease your worries in some way.
[23:44] hajime: do we still have to talk about this?
[23:45] hide: No. If you don’t wish to, we don’t have to.
[23:45] hajime: good.
[23:48] hide: But what we had… we still have now. We still have a future. And I… I will still talk to you. Even if it’s silly. I will keep talking.
[23:48] hajime: well don’t impose too much on your writer.
[23:49] hajime: and no don’t joke about it either.
[23:49] hajime: as you usually do.
[23:49] hajime: “feh writers”
[23:49] hide: Joke? No, I do take her rather seriously.
[23:50] hajime: good well then maybe you should listen to her.
[23:50] hide: In what way? I do talk to her…
[23:50] hajime: what she tells you. listen to her.
[23:51] hide: Do you listen to Kizu?
[23:52] hajime: we barely seriously talk. however, she does have my best interest in mind when we do.
[23:52] hajime: that should answer your question.
[23:52] hajime: so you should listen to your writer.
[23:53] hide: It is still my life… my choices to make. I wouldn’t be here if she couldn’t handle it.
[23:54] hajime: no… sometimes other people… looking from the outside has a better perspective.
[23:55] hide: She of course advises me. But she supports me in that I love you. Even when it doesn’t go well or is always safe… through me I think she’s finally learning something.
[23:55] hide: always isn’t safe, sorry
[23:57] hajime: learning something… there’s nothing to be learned, there are no lessons that are new or any original ideas.
[23:58] hide: Mmm…. but best interests? She does have those in her mind for me. But yes, we will talk.
[00:01] hajime: good… maybe then you’ll get a little bit more perspective. things, they’ll never be the same i don’t think.
[00:03] hide: We all change. Again, I’m not so naive as I was. Things, though? How we relate to each other? I won’t lie; I will miss that. But then I’m still a hopeful creature, enough to hope that things will… that we’ll find something else. The past, our past… we are more than that.
[00:08] hajime: larger than life… perhaps you are naive still. stop trying to put optimism in my head. i will not drink the water even if you do it a million times. that is not what is needed hide. that is not me. and right now, what i need is something you can’t give, so it will have to be my problem until i resolve it. perhaps i’ll find time to someday after i get rid of those ahou in that world.
[00:12] hide: I am still naive… just less so. It is a slow process for me. If optimism what isn’t needed… I will try to balance it by trying to see it clearly. To put some of my hope aside and -see-. And until you resolve your problems… I will still ask you to come.
[00:14] hajime: good. it’s getting late even for you. get some rest.
[00:15] hide: *nods* I know. I should let the writer sleep. Take care of yourself, I will send word to you… Dr. Sasaki comes in a couple of days but I would like to see you before then.
[00:16] hajime: alright.
[00:16] hide: Goodnight, Hajime. I am glad we could talk. *exit Hide*
[00:17] hajime: *exit saitou*