I have decided that I shall forget about her. Perhaps I really am an evil man, no… I am sure I am just that. There is no point in continuing, I see nothing for us. That everytime I find happiness in her world, it is only temporary and it makes me feel less of a man. And everytime I am in -that- world, I feel dishonorable which is even worse.
She’s read all my -exploits- there, I’m sure she does not view them favorably. Yes I have no desire to explain myself after all it is not entirely innocent. I do it for connections, for distractions and even for fun. It helps me in a way.
It’s too bad she would not share it with me. Just for a moment… It gives doubt in my mind eventhough I know it’s probably because of something else and not her. Perhaps the problem is, I have always been ready that I expected the same of her. Ah yes… I’m selfish like that. I should remember these things from now on. I will not make the same mistake again and place a burden on a woman. It was my weakness that started all this, my need for something more in both body and mind. For a time it did work, for a time.
Maybe I don’t like responsibility at all. Who knows? I feel ashamed leaving her at a time like this. She will hate me, but what’s the difference? She hates me now. But what woman wouldn’t? Perhaps if she did not get angry or despised me after this, then truly I do not know her and it is better this way. Or if she does curse me, then it is all the more reason to leave. Damn if I do and damned if I don’t. Ah… That line fits this whole situation well… All of it, in it’s entirety.
I don’t recall who asked whether my writer was used to seeing me -this- happy. For a time that was true… It was true and everything else was so real. So perhaps the answer to that question is the writer is not used to seeing me this happy, nor this anguished. Perhaps it’s come to a point that I am not real at all. Something that I’ve stumbled at quite a while ago. I have lost myself somewhere and it doesn’t matter if I try or not. I had thought I could be strong and battle it out. Quite amusing that I thought I was larger than life. I am an idiot.
Saitou Hajime the one in that world has been lost. I lost to Fujita Goro in the other world. Perhaps it is fate, but most certainly it was because I was a man of a weak constitution. A weak man who started all this. A foolish man who burdens people. A moron who threw his pride and principles away for a dream.
Goodbye to my princess… To my Hime-sama… To Hide…
————–
Hide,
It was a wonderful dream. Thank you.
~Ookami
————-
I come to a fork on the road,
To the left or right?
No… I shall not choose.
Instead like a real samurai,
I shall walk my own path and know
that the time has come to take my life.