2nd Wk June – Afternoon Doubts
I have stayed away. I know this is true. Although I am still most of the time with Tanaka and his moronic men… Work for him is not constant, I certainly have time to do other things. However, lately… Tokio and the children seems to need me. Of course I have not seen them at lengths but certainly this is inexcusable. Souji has visited the other night, it seemed normal for a visit. I still have to figure out how to keep him from facing Himura and yet protect my family from Souji’s wrath. And there is the issue of spending more time with her and keeping up faces that I indeed care for her. I -do- care, however I do care about someone else. The rules in that other world is… Moronic as well…
But where do my loyalties lie? Who do I love more? or do I love at all? To stay here with her or completely shut myself in -that- other place. Which is real for me? What life is real? I want to close my eyes and not think.
I am to become a father here. I had not felt this way before, even if I have at least two sons elsewhere. It is the first time as well for myself and I am not sure if I can be a good father… At least -that- I want, if I cannot be a good husband anywhere else.
My thoughts are interrupted when Tanaka tells me we are going to Kyoto and meet with their suppliers there. I nod and tell him I should take care of some loose ends here. He of course refuses, saying that we’ll be leaving this afternoon. I do not fight it, this might be better instead of telling Hide I am leaving once again. To Kyoto… I wonder if I should meet with her brothers? Maybe my answers are there instead of here with -her-.