A few days in late May, 1879
I receive Hajime’s note. Hmm… I send a note over to Sasaki-san asking to postpone the meeting until next week. If Hajime can’t make it then, fine… But he said that he had wanted to be there. Thinking back to how -happy- he was the day I told him… That is a -good- thing to dwell on. Yes. The way his eyes looked, his smile, how he twirled me around and had to go see that garden right then…
And I do have things to do. I’m still making up for the week spent in Kyoto in the garden and in the house. And summer is busy – my flowers grow well but so do weeds. I laugh, thinking that when it’s time to plant for the fall I will be too big to get down here well. I wonder if Hajime would help me? I probably need only ask… because I have this image of us sharing a meal in the garden next spring, our child sleeping in a basket nearby… such lovely dreams.
I spend my days in domestic duties, and going out to market. In the afternoons, I walk around, trying to learn Tokyo, maybe find a nice place to surprise Hajime with. I -doubt- that I could… but it’s taken me new places. My mornings have been better, and these bright late spring days, though -windy- of late, have done much to improve my moods.
I am -cautious- these days. Our last argument was so… dark. I want to believe that if I love him enough and believe in him enough… that we will be together. That’s naive, I know, but maybe I am. I don’t give up on him. My fears about him leaving… will subside in time, and there’s nothing he can do to ease them except to continue to be here when he can. I hold on, but … to say that he is “important” to me is quite an understatement. Oh course I worry… but I can’t be lost to that. It’s not my nature to be lost to doubts… because the things that are certain guide me, like bright stars on a summer night. Oh, I will -think- of certain things more… but not be like I was the other day. His kindness when I was being unreasonable… is amazing.
Next it’s time to start looking at the changing seasons and my wardrobe… Ah, I -will- be showing by the time I put away the summer kimono and yukata. It is mostly a matter of rearranging the fabric – but some patterns simply don’t work right. And then there’s the matter of the haraobi… But that is still months away. I must find the correct temple for that here in Tokyo. And there will be expenses of course for these ceremonial nessecesities… I try to focus on the numbers in my books but instead I spend time scribbling out possible names, thinking of how various names sound in my head, or the kanji that could be used. It’s a long way away… But I am almost -impatient- for it.
It’s hard to plan names when I have no idea what surname the child will carry. Hajime used the “Saitou” name with Sasaki-sensei… I was surprised. But it’s a nice fantasy, that we will share the same name some day. Laying out my clothes, I dismiss one right away – maybe for a couple of weeks, but… I grab a pillow and fold it, tying it around me with a ribbon, and arrange the troublesome kimono around the simulated bulk. No, not at all. I giggle a little at my image in the mirror… like a child playing pretend yet… this will soon be my reality.
For our child I shall be optimistic, and for Hajime and I, as well. For pears and chocolates and zaru soba and inari and melon in kitty-boxes. For a tulip given in appreciation of lovely eyes, learning how Westerners dance, and songs full of meaning. For moments of quiet in the garden… and a picnic by the river. All of the times we’ve shared, and those we -will- … for that and those I shall be strong yet open, for loving Hajime has never been a weakness… only the greatest happiness in my life.
Blinking, I shake my head a little. I feel more clear than I have in days. The writer told me that I would be -moody-… Laughing softly to myself, I fix a quick lunch and make sure that I have everything ready for heading out this afternoon. But first, a nap. It is becoming a ritual, I think… I fall asleep on the sofa, warm in the rays of sunlight that falls from the big window.