Hajime… I have a letter for your writer. Despite last night, remember that I love you. Sometimes, though, I fail at -showing- you, and it’s not something I can ask forgiveness for, all I ask is that you don’t close doors yet. I feel like I’m facing a force much larger and stronger than myself. I’m fighting this tide so I can stand with you again. I may fall sometimes but as long as you’re still there, I’m going to keep working until I’m there.
—
Kizu-san:
As my writer can’t seem to say anything I will come do you directly, and plead my case.
I wanted to see him last night even when Safety threw up words of caution. I know that it’s not ideal when you’ve had a bad day. I knew and I forged ahead anyway. I don’t always… think ahead. “If Kizu-san is in a bad mood then at least I can make Hajime’s day better,” I told myself as I went ahead there.
It’s in London that I wonder if what I feel there is like what he must have felt back then… in that world with my sister. To see the person you love most, the one you need so much… not really the same person. Hajime even refers to him as if he was another person. This is harder than when he lost his memories. Then he was at least receptive, and the truth was there, glimmering like a stream of water in even a dry desert. But it’s a lot harder to see it in London, besides that… he did once have his eye on me. That’s the glimmer I have but how do I convince a man who only sees me with other men that I want to be with him? That what happened in the past is not his future? That he’s a much better man than Tokio ever could ever comprehend?
When I see him in our place I just want to curl up on his lap and sob like a child but I don’t. It hurts so much there… but I keep going for him. The pain he carries in London… I knew he was sick last night. I wanted to take care of him… you said I was “hands off”. But he had been so upset at me throwing myself at him. I held back last night… and that was my mistake. I just wanted him to know that I was sincere, that he was no passing fancy.
You spoke of “fluff” regarding me the other day… perhaps I am. Good things done in either the kitchen or the bedroom. But I know I’ve done good for him in the past. Maybe I won’t carry a sword and fight next to him but I’ll be supporting him.
Please… give him another chance with me. London has been hard for me to get my footing. *smiles sadly* You’ll tell me again how I don’t understand him, how I’m clueless and make the same mistakes but I’ll keep trying. As long as I’m alive I will. I know it’s not going to be simple, in London or anywhere… but I’m not willing to give up. I hope you believe me. I hope Hajime does as well.
-Yagi Hide
The -Ahou-
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I?EUR(TM)ll tell you now that this letter will not get to his hands. As far as he?EUR(TM)s concerned things are peachy in your world. As far as London he is as he?EUR(TM)s always been ?EURunaware-. It?EUR(TM)s obvious now isn?EUR(TM)t it, he has no idea who you are in London. See it?EUR(TM)s not going to be like it was before, who you met back then was a man who for all intensive purposes was grasping for attention in the littlest of ways. Something he didn?EUR(TM)t get from Tokio. That?EUR(TM)s why he was so easy to please, it was what he needed the most at that time. Now?EUR? It?EUR(TM)s not. Tokio is a distant memory and he has learned to live in his own way. Let?EUR(TM)s put it this way, in London the wounds are no longer fresh unlike the one you met in Himuragumi or rather outside of it, instead they are now scars that has healed the wrong way.
Let me tell you what my plans were, originally in Himuragumi, Tokio was to play an important role mostly as support. Someone who never went against his wishes because she trusted him. But it turned out she had no faith at all, in fact she just decided the things he did was wrong. So when you came, it was refreshing for him to have someone who filled those shoes to an extent. However during that I noticed something about you, there were quite a few times that you avoided things because it didn?EUR(TM)t feel familiar, it wasn?EUR(TM)t a supportive role and it wasn?EUR(TM)t a safe either. I guess you?EUR(TM)re thinking, that?EUR(TM)s what he would?EUR(TM)ve wanted and for the most part you would be right but is what he wants or what you want, is it always the right thing to do? For someone who started out as OOC, you sure are keeping to your impression of IC quite unreasonably. Don?EUR(TM)t you think I notice how in subtle and not so subtle ways you try to draw out reactions from him in a rather dogged manner? You keep insisting on doing the same things and wishing for that specific reaction. You can try I guess as long as you want. Do you really have that convenience of time?
When I say your approach is so hands-off, I am not saying drape yourself all over him, he will just push you away that I can guarantee. Hands-off refer to how you avoid or perhaps refuse to deal with it. It?EUR(TM)s quite obvious he?EUR(TM)s not going to jump you just because he had his eye on you once upon a time. He did back then but that?EUR(TM)s different. This man is not looking for someone to support him, he has lived without that. It is how he ?EURchooses- to live that?EUR(TM)s important, what road he?EUR(TM)ll take at this crossroad of his life. Frankly I could have made him as perfect as the one you and your writer watch on TV. I could and he would be IC, but foolish me decided that I will attempt another go like in Himuragumi. Leave his well-being in the hands of another, but it seems I fail everytime I do that. The other person never pays enough attention to figure out what?EUR(TM)s going on. They insist in doing it in their own way, eventhough it doesn?EUR(TM)t work. Tokio kept trying to make him bend by going against him, while you keep on insisting on your own ?EURoeways?EUR? to make him believe you.
About last night do you know what ticked me off? You had asked for time to be with him. I had him ask you if you had anything planned for them. Obviously I saw there were no plans, it was a wasted thread. Something that he really can?EUR(TM)t afford and for me to write all that time.. *shakes head* I basically laid out his plans and what he?EUR(TM)ll be doing at Howards and perhaps present you with an opportunity to do something ?EURsignificant- that he could recognize. But I guess your sulking about how he doesn?EUR(TM)t believe you and going to the market is so much more important. *shrugs* If you can?EUR(TM)t see through that, then I made a mistake again of entrusting him publicly to someone else. I?EUR(TM)ve said this before and I believe he has too, people act strangely in public. That?EUR(TM)s what kept you away back then, for the sake of your sister. Now it?EUR(TM)s for? IC?EUR(TM)s sake? Oh please?EUR?
Anyway this has become long-winded. Expect that he will not be able to join you in the afternoon. Truth is, I?EUR(TM)d rather you and him not be in a secluded area by yourselves. Not because I think something will happen, but because I?EUR(TM)m sure ?EURnothing- will happen and it would be a waste of time. It would be better if I left him in a jail cell by himself. Oh I?EUR(TM)m not punishing you, nor do I want to punish him. This is just the effects of my foolishness in entrusting my ward to others. I stink being his caretaker then and now. Now if you’ll excuse me I have things to do.