Knowing I can’t turn back time… well, not -really-, I still go back to a bench in a cluster of trees, wiping the snow aside with my hand.? ? It’s odd how a pink thing blooms but even in Japan we had our plums in the snow… I think of sakura…
I know that things cannot be undone, yet I also know that things cannot be “peachy” elsewhere if they did not go well here.? He’s too smart not to be aware of it, even as his writer tells me these things.? ?
If I could see that man now, what would I do?? I thought his writer had wanted to move him along, and once the thought of “Howard” came up
Maybe if my writer wasn’t so scared to talk to hers about us.? Maybe if his didn’t think that trying to coordinate anything would make the gameplay boring.? Maa… it wasn’t a game.? It was my -life-.? Even if this life in London wasn’t the one that it was in the other places I was with Hajime…
Kizu said that I thought more about my own problems, my own agendas than paying attention to his.? And in that she is correct.? That I am sorry makes no difference.? That Tokio and her writer, I doubt they were ever -sorry- for it, nor does it matter that theirs was out of cruelty and mine from simple… blindness.? Intentions and feelings don’t matter when what was done was done.? ?
I misunderstood his problems… that he’s hard to read is no excuse.? If I wanted to love him that should only have driven me to try harder, not to bend him to what I thought he wanted.? ? And I didn’t want a perfect man.? I’m not a perfect woman, after all.? Just -him-.? These things
I think of another woman, one I call my sister.? Did I act as she would have?? I don’t want to… I admire her for certain things yet at times really resented her, but I never wanted to act like her.? ? Did I act like her because people could see us here?? No.? That I can say without a “maybe” or “perhaps”.? The Okita that lives in this world is not the Souji I knew, and even if he was, he is the past, and I care -not- for how others thought.? I had one thing I came here for, and they could think as they wish.?
And this isn’t the result of a poor caretaker on his part.? It falls into my lap, she trusted me with something -precious- and I made promises that I couldn’t keep.
At least for a time… he had a princess, or at least the dream of it.? I look up at the grey skies, not feeling compelled to move at all.? But for now… I will remain here, wishing for things that I have already pushed away.