He whom I once was

I?EUR(TM)ve given up. Deep down I know I have. There are many reasons that it would be difficult to point out each one. But perhaps I can say that it was my pettiness and weakness that led to the demise of a long cherished dream. I dared to be honest tonight but perhaps I wasn?EUR(TM)t clear. How I must confuse her?EUR? I confuse even myself. For her I wanted to try so I kept my silence, maybe I?EUR(TM)ll even lead her on especially her new self. I want to keep on the fa?§ade that in London we will have the greatest of love affairs but the truth is I lost before it even started. How ironic ne? It will be easy to keep the face in London, the one she wants to see. I do not know if I can keep it up outside of London?EUR? Maybe not but then again she?EUR(TM)ll never know because I shall perform at my peak inside London. I am a spy after all, an under-cover agent?EUR? A real actor. Maybe she?EUR(TM)ll wonder why from time to time, why I no longer will speak outside of London. I do not know about Makoto?EUR? She is my greatest regret, much more so than Hide because Makoto is innocent in all of this and it pains me to know that I am making a conscious decision to just disappear. Actually disappear is not the right word when it comes to my daughter, I am abandoning her. She does not deserve it I know this but it?EUR(TM)s better it happen now than later. I can no longer stay with her mother. I can no longer stay?EUR? No more than I can remind Hide what it was about us that had made me want to live.
I lost that somewhat. I lost it by my foolishness in wanting her to have known how to be loved?EUR? She didn?EUR(TM)t realize that I wanted to love her like that?EUR? and that I did place her in a pedestal but yet?EUR? Ah I can no longer talk about these things. It?EUR(TM)s gone and it?EUR(TM)s no longer important. I don?EUR(TM)t want to feel anymore. I don?EUR(TM)t want to care anymore. I don?EUR(TM)t even feel human at this point. I?EUR(TM)m really just an animal now. A wolf that?EUR(TM)s more lonely than he is angry. I tried right? I did my best. I ?EUR“know- I did but it wasn?EUR(TM)t enough. Nothing I did was enough. Nothing I tried as a caring human being was enough. I?EUR(TM)m an animal whose probably best remembered for their animalistic tendencies like procreation.
Sometimes I wonder why it?EUR(TM)s come to this. I wonder why she chose a life that I cannot go into as myself. A situation that disregards our past, and yet I know it?EUR(TM)s because there ?EUR“is- no past to speak of. She moves without a past?EUR? And in order for things to go ?EUR“right- in London, I should go into it without knowledge of what she had meant to me. I guess this is the only way. This will make her happy because this is what?EUR(TM)s now important to her. I?EUR(TM)ve always known she wanted to have a world and I?EUR(TM)ve always wanted to give her a real one. I just never thought our past would be superceded for the sake of the new. It hit home really when I saw the most important things to me was given to someone else. She didn?EUR(TM)t even ask, maybe she thought she knew?EUR? And if that was the case then whatever we had perhaps there was nothing wrong with it, but it was definitely inferior.
I lost and not just the child that I loved in her but I think I?EUR(TM)ve lost her completely. The only question now perhaps is when was it? It must?EUR(TM)ve been a long time ago. I?EUR(TM)ll leave my outer casing in London, that will be enough for that life. My soul, I?EUR(TM)ll bring back to those old days in Tokyo. She?EUR(TM)ll not notice a thing because she really did not know me. I am no longer Yamaguchi Hajime.