Tsuyoshi:
“You sure you will be fine by yourself?”
“Yes father.” I say and nod. “I’ll only be a little while, to say hi to Ueda-sama’s guests.”
“All of them are there? Even the woman?”
I avert my eyes a bit, “Yes sir.”
“Well we are not brutes that ostracizes others especially if they are in need.”
“Thank you father.” I smile up at him. It’s still hard to think of Namuzawa-sama as I do Chichi-ue but he has treated the Fujita family well.
“I’ll stay here in the carriage and wait for you.”
Had it been any other time, I’d have asked him to go. But I only came here for one reason.
“Please stay warm father.”
“Go on. Don’t worry about me.”
And so I leave him and go by the gates. Thankfully I didn’t have to shout as Sagawa-sama sees me immediately and opens the gate. His eyes fall upon the carriage and he nods to father but doesn’t ask him to come inside. He closes the gates and we walk to a sheltered part of the yard. I hear scuffling of feet and I turn to the left and see Makoto-chan and I think Nishino-san playing in the snow but I don’t call out to them.
“So Sagawa-sama, is everyone here except for father?”
“I’m afraid so Tsuyoshi-kun.”
“So you’re staying here to guard everyone?”
“That’s what your father asked of me. But why did you come?” He asked a little bit confused.
“I… Brother said there was trouble but that it was -staged-.”
“Staged? I don’t think I understand.”
I let out a sigh, “Me neither.”
(OOC: Anyone can see Yoshi or not or hear their conversation or not. If no one comes in the thread (which is fine), they will continue and eventually Yoshi will leave.)
(Makoto)
We finally get to play outside and Kanbee-san (he said I could call him that, because he’s such good friends with chichiue that he’s practically and uncle, and that’s good, he’s sooooo much cooler than hahaue’s brothers!) said we can’t have a snowball fight but maybe we could make a nice snowman? So Midori-san helped and onii-san mostly didn’t help and it’s just a boring snowman. Midori-san made it look nice I guess but I asked if it could be a fighting snowman and Kanbee-san said no, let’s just keep it peaceful.
I’m looking for more sticks that Midori-san wants when I hear something and see a carriage, a nice one! And a man and a boy!
And I see who’s it is! I go running over, “Oi! Tsuyoshi-kun!” I’m feeling better about him. Besides, I don’t think he could steal Ai-chan, she’s -heavy- and squirmy now!
Then I remember I can’t shame hahaue and I bow to the man that’s with him. “Good afternoon, I am Fujita Makoto,” I say and bow very nicely.
(OOC – Makoto didn’t hear anything, haha.)
Namuzawa:
I watch as Sagawa turns and Tsuyoshi almost leaves but the gates go opening again as a little girl. I know the girl of course. Goro’s daughter.
“Good afternoon, I am Fujita Makoto,”
I nod. “You’ve taken up Goro’s name?” I ask, “Wasn’t the sign at your home said “Yamaguchi”?”
I entertain the little girl but do not get down from my carriage, while Sagawa and Tsuyoshi speak. Maybe this will be as Tsuyoshi said, a short visit after all.
Tsuyoshi:
I let Makoto speak to Father as I’d rather her not hear what I’m asking Sagawa-sama. So we continue.
“How long do you think every one will have to stay here?” I ask.
“I don’t know Tsuyoshi-kun. Until your father gets them to bring them home I guess.”
I can’t help but look down, “So brother is wrong. This isn’t some staged thing that father did just to get them out of the house in Tokyo.”
“Now why would he even say that?”
I’d answer him but I’m not in the business of throwing my brother under the bus. “He probably just doesn’t like the idea that father is caught up in something dangerous again.”
Sagawa-sama grins. “Your father has been in many life and death battles. I placed my bets on him once and I’m still here.” He reaches out and ruffles my hair and for a moment, I feel like it’s Chichi-ue. I bite my lips a bit.
“So you think he’ll be fine?” I ask looking up at him.
“Oh he will. No doubt.”
I bow deeply to Sagawa-sama. I came hoping for something else but I am grateful. “Please take care of the people in the house.”
I straighten up and go to where the carriage is.
“You can go back inside Makoto-chan. Sagawa-sama will take care of you.”
(OOC: Tsuyoshi will exit unless something else happens)
(Makoto)
You’ve taken up Goro’s name? Wasn’t the sign at your home said “Yamaguchi”?”
But he’s my chichiue and I think it’s okay now but I -never- seem to know! I nod seriously. “It is very confusing, sir,” I tell him. Maybe he’ll understand? And I wonder why he stays in his carriage – maybe he’s always cold. Some people get like that when they’re old, someone told me once!
You can go back inside Makoto-chan. Sagawa-sama will take care of you.
What? Already? “Tsuyoshi-kun, can’t you stay?” I ask, and I grab his hand. “Don’t you want to see the baby? Hahaue says it’s too cold and she can’t come outside and did you know, she’s really actually cute?” I look at him. He’s pretty skinny and… “and oh, Tsutomu-niisan has been quiet and didn’t want to play – maybe you can cheer him up?” I tug again. “Please?”
Namuzawa:
“It is very confusing, sir,”
I look down at the girl looking up at the carriage. I almost pity her, the product of what some will say an immoral misjudgment of both her parents. And now they are here instead of in the comfort and security of their own home. “Child, if you are confused then you owe it to yourself to -ask-. Ask your mother or perhaps better your father as it is his name you’ve started using.” The child could of course use her mother’s name if things do not work out and I’ve heard they may not but I do not tell the hild this.
Our conversation is cut short when Tsuyoshi comes out of the gate and tells the little girl to go inside, to which she seems to disagree.
“Don’t you want to see the baby? Hahaue says it’s too cold and she can’t come outside and did you know, she’s really actually cute?” maybe you can cheer him up?
Ah of course the child has come. Tsuyoshi did tell me so. But what a turn of events.
“Didn’t you not want me around the baby Makoto-chan?” Tusyoshi replies, “And I just saw brother so we’ve already spoken.”
And I notice he does not say anything about the woman, the mother. So has he not spoken to her? So he’s not even entered the home and instead only spoke to Sagawa? If that’s all he wanted to do, we could’ve done that easily instead of driving all the way out here in the outskirts.
“You should go inside and pay your respects Tsuyoshi.” I remind him. I know he came here for a reason. My wife told me about what she heard happen in the room.
“I’m sure they are busy inside father.” Tsuyoshi tries to duck the issue.
“You should see and hear for yourself -directly-. You may not have another chance.” I don’t want him to regret. He may have gotten what he needed from Sagawa but I think that has left him disatisfied as he still has the same look on his face as when we got here. “Go on. Don’t be rude Tsuyoshi.”
He looks up at me once and I nod once to the girl. Who seems to take that as a sign and pulls Tsuyoshi back into the house.
(OOC: You can lead them inside. Tsuyoshi will follow along.)
Child, if you are confused then you owe it to yourself to -ask-. Ask your mother or perhaps better your father as it is his name you’ve started using.
Why does he seem angry? I bow again, maybe I should have been more polite. I’m sure that’s what hahaue would have said, and grownups don’t like to have -kids- tell them when they’re confused. I’m not really confused because I have chichiue in my life and a whole family now, not like in Ito. I bet it is confusing for Tsuyoshi-kun, having chichiue and this man.
Didn’t you not want me around the baby Makoto-chan?
I pat him on the shoulder. “It’s okay now, Tsuyoshi-kun.” I smile! “She’s soooo cute and has pretty eyes and I know she’s going to say my name -any day- now.” She’ll say my name first, heehee.
But Tsuyoshi-kun doesn’t want to come inside? The man he’s with, who I guess is his new dad who has such a -serious- face, tells him he should come in! So I grab him (he doesn’t tower over me like oniisan!) and tell him to come on, baby is still awake.
I go inside and take off my boots. “Hahaue, Tsuyoshi-kun is here to see Ai-chan!” I tell him.
“She’s soooo cute and has pretty eyes and I know she’s going to say my name -any day- now.”
“Oh?” I’m pulled inside. I guess she’s okay with strangers being around Yagi-san and the baby. I wonder what’s changed?
She shouts into the room but it’s a little quiet. I know brother saw me but he’s choosing to stay outside with Nishino-san. Maybe he finally got himself a friend. But it’s quiet in the house and I wonder if Ueda-sama is taking his afternoon nap.
(Makoto)
“Shhhhh don’t be shouty,” I tell him. It’s all quiet because after lunch Ueda-sama likes to rest. I hear hahaue and Akane-san in the kitchen, washing up.
The baby is laying in a basket, wrapped up and safe by where we just ate! “Here she is!” I say, holding her up, puffing a bit because she is heavy. But I’m a bit sister so I’m strong and Tsutomu-oniisan is outside so he’s not here to not tell me to! And Tsuyoshi-kun is skinny and shorter than oniisan, so I don’t think he can run off with Ai-chan. So I can show her off as much as I want!!
Ai-chan coos and waves her hands at her brother. “See she’s saying hi!” I tell Tsuyoshi-kun. “I’ve tried to teach her how to bow but she’s still too little,” I tell him. He probably doesn’t remember being a baby so I need to make sure he knows everything.
“Shhhhh don’t be shouty,”
I’m shouty? It’s her that was shouting into the room announcing our arrival. But it remains quiet and I don’t really utter much as I’m shushed by Makoto-chan.
I peer into the basket and the baby is wrapped well, almost too well such that I can barely see her mouth but her eyes stare up at me. There’s no denying she’s father’s child alright. I always wondered why my brother and I never got those amber eyes and Makoto doesn’t have it either. But this one does. I smile a little. Good for you Ai.
“See she’s saying hi!”
“Here. I’ll hold her.” The baby seems a little too heavy for Makoto-chan, she’s getting red just from holding her up. So I take the baby half wondering if Makoto-chan will try to pull Ai away from me. But Ai goes straight and places her hand in my mouth! Umm!!!
I try to move my head to the side but she seems intent on putting that hand in.
“Ai…chummm” I try to say. And the baby laughs suddenly and pulls her hand out and pats my face and the dribble is now all over my cheek. “Now where did you learn that Ai?” I ask. Not that a baby can answer and I look at Makoto but decide to put Ai back in her crib as I take the sleeve of my kimono and wipe my own slob off it.
(Makoto)
He looks at Ai-chan and I puff up with pride. She’s a pretty baby and he knows it!
Huh he’s stronger than I thought, but then she starts putting her hand in his mouth. “Oh that’s a new one Ai-chan!” But then she pats her face and that’s her favorite thing to do. “She -really- loves Ueda-sama’s beard!” I tell him. But she doesn’t touch his mouth, but he’s an elder and that would be disrespectful!
It’s VERY funny though with Tsuyoshi-kun, though! I laugh thinking how chichiue would laugh –
No no can’t think like that! He’s going to come back and we’ll all be a family in Tokyo again! I nod.
Wait, will I ever get to talk to him… Tsuyoshi-kun puts baby back down and she starts fussing at him. “Aww I think she liked your game,” I tell him. Hahaue said we mustn’t spoil her but it’s so easy!
(Hide)
I hear Tsuyoshi-kun’s voice and my heart leaps – but then I look outside, and there’s Tsutomu-kun, resolutely -not- looking inside or getting up. I recognize that stubborn set of his eyes, his mouth. It’s not a look that he gets from his mother – I think that’s the nose-in-the-air stubborn look, as I’ve never seen that on his father. He’s been in a -mood- since coming back from his mothers, and now this?
I wipe off my hands and ask Akane-san to excuse me, and go to the porch. Midori-san looks up as I come over.
“Your brother came to see you, I’m certain,” I say, looking at him. “Normally, I’d say you can sit out here and be stubborn on the porch but your brother deserves better. Don’t be rude and go in there and talk to him.” I look away at the attemped snowman. “Don’t be like your father.” A man who talks to -nobody- right now.
Tsuyoshi:
It’s obvious how proud Ai-chan is of her little sister. Well if she’s this cute!
“Aww I think she liked your game,”
“I think it’s her game not mine Makoto-chan.” I say because Ai started it, not me!
It’s then that I see Yagi-san step outside and I turn telling Makoto to watch over her sister. I leave her there to follow Yagi-san outside but she’s intent on getting to brother that she doesn’t notice me.
Your brother came to see you, I’m certain,” I say, looking at him. “Normally, I’d say you can sit out here and be stubborn on the porch but your brother deserves better. Don’t be rude and go in there and talk to him.”
I didn’t come for brother. We already spoke. I came here for a different reason but I remain silent.
“Don’t be like your father.”
I bite my lip a little at that. So it is what I thought it might be. There’s no need to clarify things.
Tsutomu:
I’m being talked over by Yagi-san. “I don’t need to see him. And he knows -nothing-.” I shift my glare to Yoshi who came up behind Yagi-san.
“Ah brother. Yes I came to see you. I spoke to Sagawa-sama…” He looks beyond us, likely looking for Sagawa-san but he is not in view, maybe he’s outside the gate. “He said that there was indeed a credible threat so it’s best to stay here where it’s safe.”
“You’re really bull-headed you know that right Yoshi? That or incredibly -stupid-.” I cross my arms and look at Yagi-san next. “Don’t worry Yagi-san, I am not at all like -that- man.”
“Sagawa-sama wouldn’t lie to us!”
“He too knows -nothing-! He didn’t even see him! He’s about as clueless as you are!” I’m going to punch the hell out of him if he doesn’t stop spouting this nonsense. “The father that abandoned -you- -first-, is now out to abandon -all of us- because of some prostitute!”
“Brother, I don’t think Chichi-ue would do that.”
“What do you think happened to us back then? When he took Yagi-san and Makoto-chan to live in Tokyo?! It’s the EXACT SAME THING! He even had the gall to dump us again here in Aizu!”
“Stop talking like that or I’ll!!!”
“You’ll do what?!” I push him back. “Come on! You’ll do what -stupid-?!”
Tsuyoshi:
I stand there as he pushes me. I can push back. I’m much stronger than before. But I remember that time chichi-ue left that Saturday morning when I tried to fend off my brother, it didn’t help at all. Chichi-ue still left and all I could say was…
“I trust Chichi-ue. If he doesn’t ever come back, it just means he’s dead.” Because he always came for us. Late maybe but he -always- came.
“Damn you Yoshi! Always such a -baby- waiting for his “chichi-ue”!”
This time he grabs me and pushes me down and I see him raising his fist this time. I’m not going to move. I’m -not- changing my mind. If he doesn’t come back it only means chichi-ue’s dead. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love us.
(Hide)
I turn to look at Tsuyoshi-kun enters and see him bite his lip at my comment to Tsutomu-kun. Does he not like the comparison, or the thought of me speaking ill of his father? But nobody else knows how frozen he is right now. Unspeaking, unmoving. Letting the world move without him.
Tsuyoshi-kun speaks, that he wanted to know if the threat was real, why we were here…
Then they’re at each other, pushing –
I trust Chichi-ue. If he doesn’t ever come back, it just means he’s dead.
I go pale over that, -hoping- Makoto-chan isn’t hearing it and that Akane-san was aware enough to distract her. Not that I want to hear it, said outloud. Not to her ears, or her oldest brothers. Despite his dismissiveness about his memories of an unwound time, I -feel- that it’s not yet left him, anymore than Hajime’s other ‘deaths’ has left me.
“He’s not dead, and he’s not going to die anytime soon,” I tell them, my glance flickering over at Midori-san, who’s perhaps meant to be with him, a long time from now, when he is dying.
I can feel his frozen silence, but there’s still a beating heart somewhere, that I can hear in the stillest hour of the night. He’s not dead. Not that I can explain it.
I cross my arms, “we were sent here by your father, there is -real- danger, and any coincidences to the past… are just that.” I sigh. “I was offered Hokkaido, but this was safer and closer. He offered Aizu even though it would be uncomfortable for me certainly unbecoming to his reputation.” Ueda-sama and Kanbee-san and other true friends are here, at least.
“The other woman is first and foremost an informant. Any line that was crossed -” I pause, because that line -was- crossed, flagrantly and in a way to not only get my attention, but to make a point. A used woman. I find my voice, “it’s not the same.” I mean, I am a woman who slept with him despite getting no honor or promises, so we’re not all that different. That I’m being compared to her…
But it’s about the children right now, and not my hurt feelings.
“Both of you need to set better examples for your sisters. Their father isn’t here for -now- so you’re what they have as a protector.” That they don’t -legally- belong to another, between bastardy and adoption, is another matter, but the bonds remain. “And -I- expect better.”
Tsuyoshi-kun is on the ground, and Tsutomu-kun moves to strike – I grab his arm. “Don’t you -dare- do this. Not in front of your sisters or Midori-san or me. Not in Ueda-sama’s house.”
I’ve seen brothers scrap before, my brothers indeed did so over perceived imbalances of affection from our father. The pain here is different, more layered. “We’re not abandoned. We’re being kept safe.” I let go of Tsutomu-kun’s arm, and sit down, suddenly tired. “But even I have to admit it’s uneasy, this not knowing. You two supported each other, once, I heard. Can you do that again, at least for Makoto-chan? I wouldn’t mind it for myself, either,” I said, a little nauseous. I swear… none of these children are on the same schedule.
(Midori)
I watch in silent horror as they start to fight, the words said, the hurt.
Support each other? Does she know? Again I remember those afternoons. It’s always raining in my memories, the patter of water against the glass as their mother kept up with her ‘stories’, Tsutomu-kun pulling his jacket off to cover Tsuyoshi-kun’s head.
Then the running, as they saw Fujita-san approach. I missed my own father so much in those days… watching those reunions impacted me. Who knew I’d be following one of those boys around?
Those boys seem very long ago. But do they have to be? “You don’t have to be a baby to be waiting,” I say, quietly, my eyes glancing over the western mountains. “Or then I’m a baby.” Who else am I waiting for? I look back at Tsutomu-kun, who has shown me other sides of him during this adventure.
“Come on, get up, you’re both from here and know you shouldn’t be letting yourself get wet in this cold.” I hand them each a handkercheif. I always carry several so I have an excuse to decorate them.
I can hear shouting outside. Immediately I get up and take my cane calling out to Akane to go upstairs and be with the little girl and her sister. “No need to come outside Akane.” She agrees and stops what she’s doing and goes immediately upstairs while I try to find my way quickly to the engawa. There is a little sun but there is snow in the ground that I can feel under my feet.
Immediately I hear what the fighting is about, about his absence and his other transgression.
“He’s not dead, and he’s not going to die anytime soon,”
“That’s even worst Yagi-san!” Because it -is-. “Yoshi’s right! I’d rather him -be- dead!”
I grip my brother’s neck with one hand because I see he’s about to say something STUPID -again-. Shut up! Shut up!
there is -real- danger, and any coincidences to the past… are just that.
“Then why is -that- man not here?” Does everyone have their eyes closed? My brother grips my other arm and manages to thwart it away.
“Because -you- didn’t want him here.” And he pauses, “Neither did Yagi-san.”
“What are you talking about? Shut up!” I push him down again and cover his mouth with my hand. “It’s only normal Yagi-san wouldn’t want a man like that. It’s a wonder why she let him stay at the tatami room for that long. She should’ve kicked him out much earlier.”
Yoshi stares at me and then glances at Yagi-san who starts talking about that other woman of his.
“The other woman is first and foremost an informant. Any line that was crossed -” “it’s not the same.”
Suddenly I grin. “Hear that Yoshi-“chan”? I was right! -Your- noble “Chichi-ue” is just some comtemptible man who is -dirty- with women!”
“Both of you need to set better examples for your sisters. Their father isn’t here for -now- so you’re what they have as a protector.”
“And I’m doing -exactly- that Yagi-san!” Protecting you all from that deplorable father of mine and I’m going to beat the shit out of anyone who tries to tell us otherwise. Like this one. And I bring my fist down but there’s a tug and I look to the side and it’s Yagi-san. “Let me go. I’ll beat some sense into him and then he’ll understand.”
It all happens quickly and no one notices the sobbing of the younger boy.
“That’s enough!” I roar at all of them and go to where Tsutomu still has his brother pinned to the ground. I abhor what I’m about to do but I strike the hand that is on the brother’s neck with enough forcce to swipe it away. He grabs that hand and falls back a little. Stunned and looking up at me.
“Your brother is right. I cannot see Goro coming back to one’s who do not want him back. And you certainly do not.” I will accept that about this young man for whatever affection he may have, his hatred trumps it. “You believe that your self-righteousness is justified but you’re only using your victimhood to speak ill of -my- son and hurt others.”
Then I turn to the young one. “You’ve been shielded from the misfortune that your brother experiences. He gets to see clearly the shortcomings of your father,” but I look back at Tsutomu, “but that does not excuse him from this deplorable behavior. Stand up Tsuyoshi.”
“Hai.” He stands and wipes the tears on his face.
“Yagi-san is right. He’s not dead.” Not yet at least or he would’ve said goodbye to me. This I know. Just like last time he was a walking dead. “But… He is struggling. To the son that he lost but keeps him in high regard, he will return for you.”
I turn to the older one who clutches the hand I striked, “And to the son who denies him because he is not good enough, he will make it up to you.” I look at Yagi-san. Can I say the same to her? Would it matter after all this time? I turn to the side as I see Namuzawa and Sagawa approach.
“Ah we leave you two boys alone and the first thing you do is squabble in front of the women.” Sagawa tries to say lightly.
Namuzawa however has a set look on his face. Not angry, but almost a look of concern. If I’d not known any better I would’ve said he and Goro were cousins. He goes over to Tsuyoshi. “At least you have no visible signs of injury.” He looks him over, “Reina would be concerned. Next time, it is fine to defend yourself.” He says, “But I understand that you didn’t against your brother for your father.”
“Yagi-san… Nishino-dono, if you can please take care of his hand.” I nod towards Tsutomu. If Goro complains about my heavy hand towards his eldest, I shall deal with it when he comes.
OOC – posting tomorrow
(Hide)
Ueda-sama is outside and I didn’t even hear him.
As Tsutomu-kun holds onto his hate and my admission of what his father did, I realize too late – I fought to keep that one story, where Aioi-san has to stay with us, to keep that sort of story from him. And here I am – why? To excuse him, or expose him? Dirty with women dirty with women is how he comes down…
As Tsuyoshi-kun cries…
And I’m doing -exactly- that Yagi-san!
Who? Who is he protecting? Me? But me as -myself-, or as a stand-in for his mother, who he watched experience the same thing?
“Hurting Tsuyoshi-kun won’t make it better,” I tell him as I hold onto him, looking from brother to brother.
That’s enough!
The voice that thunders out is who he once was, and the strength he shows as he separates the brothers –
And he lays it out, in words that I could not find.
He tells the boys that their father lives, and that he’ll be back for them. And it’s then he looks at me, and I know that he knows that I’ve not done enough to make him come back for me.
Namuzawa-san and Kanbee-san are here, now, too, Kanbee-san trying to lighten the mood with some comment that doesn’t quite land in my ears. Because it’s Namazawa-san’s actions that I watch – his face, his words about his wife, his guidance to Tsuyoshi-kun. In that I finally see not just a dutiful man and his heir, but a -father-. One who understands that this boy doesn’t belong to just his family.
At Ueda-sama’s words, Midori-san takes another one of her handkerchiefs and I go to where she is with Tsutomu-kun. I feel it briskly, with practiced hands. “A sprain, you’re lucky, Tsutomu-kun.” He could have done more, this I -know- from having seen many such men. Age slows and dulls but never truly diminishes.
I take the cloth and start to wrap his wrist, “the question for you, Tsutomu-kun, is… is the love stronger than the hurt, or is the hurt too much for the love to endure?” Done with my work, I send Midori-san off for fresh snow to help numb it.
“I can’t give you a speech to make you decide. Beating in your brother’s face won’t give you the answer. Only you can.” I look into his eyes, now that I’ve met his mother I wouldn’t say they’re hers, but perhaps just Tsutomu-kun’s own. “I’m having to get to that answer for myself as well.”
Done with what I can do for him physically, I glance to the upstairs windows, hoping Makoto didn’t hear or see any of this. I go to the younger of the brothers. “Tsuyoshi-kun, you’re unharmed?” I remember the last time I saw him, I thought it would be our last. I kneel down to see his eyes, another set that are neither Hajime nor Tokio… but I remember his father’s eyes looking like this, red and pained.
Tsutomu:
I curl my right hand my left holds it still. It hurts. The old man spared me nothing. I look at him as he tells me how my absent father will make it up to me. How would that happen? It’s impossible. He’s not even here.
Yagi-san takes my hand and looks at that while Namuzawa speaks to Yoshi and looks him over. That -sissy- brother of mine bawled like a child and didn’t even try to take one shot at me. So -typical-.
“the question for you, Tsutomu-kun, is… is the love stronger than the hurt, or is the hurt too much for the love to endure?” “I’m having to get to that answer for myself as well.”
“Then don’t ask me a question even you can’t answer yourself Yagi-san.” I say and wait for Midori to leave. “A man who loves only himself, thinks only of himself and only does things he wants deserves no love from me nor anyone.”
Upon saying that Yoshi glances to my direction. He will forever give the benefit of the doubt to that man. Why I don’t know, after all between the two of us, his “Chichi-ue” betrayed him first.
I stand up and look across to where Midori is. I can’t be with them right now. I was probably better off stuck in the room upstairs. “Excuse me.” I say.
(OOC: Tsutomu will retreat to the room upstairs but anyone can follow him or not.
Namuzawa:
“Tsuyoshi-kun, you’re unharmed?”
“He is fortunately unharmed.” I answer for Tsuyoshi. “He came here to get answers Yagi-san and it seems he got them.” I heard most of it. Goro’s absence and apparently as to why he’s not here. Of course Yoshi will be disappointed but he is a strong boy.
“Thanks for asking Yagi-san. I apologize for the inconvenience.” He bows. “Please tell Tsutomu-nii I’m sorry.”
I glance back down at Yoshi. I’d tell him he was not wrong but he is a kind boy who wants to have good relations with his blood brother. I place a hand on his shoulder.
“Now Yagi-san, Kanbee updated me on the situation here. If you need my assistance you need only say the word.” I offer my help to a woman who is in need, not to Gorou’s mistress otherwise I would not be able to offer it. At least not until their situation resolves whether that be together or no longer.
I look back at Ueda. He’s mostly kept to himself ever since we got back to Aizu and lived here. I see he still likes to harbor those who are lost and have nowhere else to go. Not a bad predisposition but he is not what he used to be and I heard his other son has been lingering in Aizu lately. Much trouble surrounds the old man.
Then don’t ask me a question even you can’t answer yourself Yagi-san
“The love.” I tell him. “But before your father comes… he will demand that I show it, explain it instead of just falling back on it reflexively. From you, though, his son, he needs no such thing.” A bit of a smile crosses my lips, for the love of a parent for a child… it’s always there and needs no reassurance. No testing. I gently touch his shoulder, as I would Makoto-chan. “Any more than your mother needs a demonstration, even when you decided to finish your education away from her.” Even in her state she knows her son.
“But to love is to feel hurt. I will let Makoto-chan down, I doubtless already have. I will let Ai-chan down, for parents are just people. I will let the next one down…” I glance down at my unchanged stomach, and then back at his eyes. “And I’ve hurt your father terribly, and he has hurt me. That’s our reckoning. You will have yours.”
A man who loves only himself, thinks only of himself and only does things he wants deserves no love from me nor anyone
I shake my head. “You don’t see his inner self, Tsutomu-kun. He loves so deeply… he’d tear himself apart over it.” I blink a few times, and compose myself. “He’s given you precious gifts, the tsuba was no trifle. He wants to you see the real him, to ask about that tsuba, to know him. He just wants to be seen, just as much as you want to be heard.”
I let him go. I see Midori-san’s anxious eyes following him, but she stays outside. She’s still so young… but so is he. I sigh. She goes back inside, murmuring something about Ai-chan.
Namuzawa-san answers for Tsuyoshi-kun, who then offers an apology. I realize that I don’t have to kneel to get at his eye level anymore – he’s not as tall as his brother, but he is growing. “You’re a good boy, Tsuyoshi-kun, with a good and faithful heart that will serve you well.” I smile at him. “I… don’t know what the future brings.” I know what’s been -promised- to me, the unhappy ending, but… “I love your father and I’ll do my best. The same for your brother.”
Now Yagi-san, Kanbee updated me on the situation here. If you need my assistance you need only say the word
It’s a true offer, I can tell, and another person here who has offered me kindness even though I am what I am… or was. I straighten up, “Thank you, Namuzawa-san. I’m glad that if nothing else came from it, Tsuyoshi-kun was able to see the baby. Makoto-chan gave him a hard time about it but she seems to have come around.” She’s had to endure a lot. They all have.
“Perhaps we can see you both again?” I ask. “But for now, please allow me to attend to Ueda-sama.” He may be tough… I bow again, and go back to the engawa.
Namuzawa:
Tsuyoshi looks weary but nods at Yagi-san’s assurances about his father and his brother. So the woman still, after all that I’ve heard? Interesting.
She thanks me and ask if we’ll visit again. I nod, “In a few days perhaps.” I put my hand on Tsuyoshi’s shoulder, “Once things cool off.”
I know Tokio’s eldest -well-. He is much more stubborn. I’d have offered to take him instead of this young man, but aside from his father likely saying no the eldest would have had a hard time adjusting. It is -well- that we asked for their youngest. I am very happy with him. I look down at Tsuyoshi and tap his shoulder an indication that it is time to leave.
“Well then. Tsuyoshi and I shall be going.” I bow simply and nod slightly to Sagawa. He knows what to do here. He certainly has the build for it if it came down to that. But I doubt Gorou would’ve sent them here if he thought that there was even the slightest chance of a real threat challenging “the Aizu Bull”.
(OOC: Namuzawa and Tsuyoshi exits).
Ueda: They leave and the young ones are upstairs. I linger on the engawa and Sagawa is back to watching the grounds. He is a faithful man. Suddenly I feel tired. This is too much excitement for an old man like me Gorou. You should get back here sooner rather than later until more things break down. I turn to go inside.
(OOC: Ueda will go inside unless stopped or Hide can go with him and continue the thread or this thread can close).
Namuzawa-san and his adopted son leave as Tsutomu-kun exits to go back to the house. Midori-san already is back inside, and Sagawa-san is back at his post. We’re all back in place, but some with more pain than they started in.
Ueda-sama goes inside, and I follow as he settles. I kneel, “Ueda-sama, were you uninjured?” I look him over. He’s tired, that’s obvious, for a man of his age and the strength he showed. “You said what was needed to be said,” all while I could not. No wonder I can’t make a frozen man believe in me enough to get moving. I should have done better, but were those words in me? “In Tokyo, they fought, over… similar topics. I got in the middle, then.” A little injured, but because of what I did to intervene I got more of their father’s attention than they did.
“Tutomu-kun… he’s trying to speak so to keep me away from his father… not as the ‘other woman’ but for… my own sake?” I say, trying to wrap my head around it. “And I confirmed what he’d already figured out.” For all of everything, he’s still a child, and one who’s not had a stable home in too long.
“It’s… ironic. There was an idea that her work would necessitate her protection in our home, and… I fought that idea. It’s partially because I didn’t want her around, even though I knew it had a -purpose-, but… I didn’t want the children, most especially Tsutomu-kun to -see- how she can wrap Hajime around…” I look up. “Yet here I am, just -telling- him… ” I can’t see through walls, but I know the endless snow that lies between us. I
Ueda:
She asks if I’m injured. I shake my head. Tired but that is different.
“You said what was needed to be said,”
“Only because no one else seems to find the words.” The truth is I had expected the words to come from her not me but I heard enough from both of them.
“In Tokyo, they fought, over… similar topics. I got in the middle, then.”
“And I wonder Yagi-san, what does “getting in the middle” mean?” If she constantly got in the middle what did it accomplish? What did she hope to accomplish and for whose sake? But I say little anymore. If this was a constant argument and had never resolved, no wonder the argument is still here even when the other party is no longer to be found.
“Tutomu-kun… he’s trying to speak so to keep me away from his father… not as the ‘other woman’ but for… my own sake?”
“Protecting you or his mother perhaps or perhaps he just doesn’t think his father deserve happiness himself. There are so few ways a child can punish their parents but those few ways are rather effective.” I don’t say anything to her confirming the transgressions Goro has done. Maybe it is also her way of trying to make an absent man accountable.
But she goes on to speak, about how Gorou had planned to bring the other woman into their home. “Did he ask to bring her?” I ask simply and finally decide to tell her what’s on my mind, “You say you told Yagi-san, confirmed to his children. Is it your way to relitigate similar transgressions to make an absent man accountable?” I heave a sigh, “There is a saying that in the absence of a father, that it is the mother who holds him in high esteem so that his children may do so even in his absence.”
“He may not deserve that esteem from you, but he does not have to -earn- it from his children. And your duty as his…” I shake my head with a disappointed smile on my face, “I suppose you are not his wife and cannot be bound to such commitments. So I stand corrected. You’ll have to excuse me.” Perhaps I should’ve had this talk with Tokio instead but I should’ve done it much earlier even before his path crossed with Yagi-san.
“And I wonder Yagi-san, what does “getting in the middle” mean?
The way he asks it, he already knows. I can offer my excuses. That I didn’t want them to strike each other, but really, didn’t I just want to be the heroine?
Did he ask to bring her?
“No… it was the chatter of another.” It’s foolish to listen to it, it’s meant after all to cause not just a rise in me but my foolish writer, some of this talk, but it worked, didn’t it? All while I tried to be -understanding- that he was spending a lot of time with a former lover who -knows- how to get her hooks in him. But to him, all of what I did was show him that I could care less, when it was entirely the opposite.
How… in trying to avoid one set of errors his wife made while making yet another at the same time. At least a jealous woman -cares-. But Himura Kaoru-san already castigated me for that.
“You say you told Yagi-san, confirmed to his children. Is it your way to relitigate similar transgressions to make an absent man accountable?
I open my eyes wde, as if he slapped me. “No- no!” I say – but did I? “No, she never came to live, he put her up at his old place. She came just the once, as we were fleeing here.” But did I try to hurt Hajime by laying bare his relationship with Aioi-san? “When I said what I said… I thought he had already seen enough to where I couldn’t….” I lower my head, but pick it back up. “A mother should do better. Even though when I’ve defended his father in the past… I didn’t correct his disrespct at that time. He learned that he could speak against me and I won’t fight back.” But it’s so fragile, to love a child that’s not yours, to not feel as if you can -mother- them in the hard ways. This man, though, would understand. He loved children that weren’t of his blood as well.
“I suppose you are not his wife and cannot be bound to such commitments.
His words strike me as a sword but it’s that smile that plunges it in. “I was going to be,” I say, in a quiet voice. “He called me his wife when Ai-chan was born, when he woke up. Even if he couldn’t be free, we belonged to each other in every way but law.” I blink, “I wanted him to end his marriage in a way he felt was honorable, and didn’t further damage his relationships to his sons. I was willing to wait, because, oh, Ueda-sama… we gave each other songs. We had beautiful words and moments and promises… to grow old together.”
I find, to my horror, that I’m crying and I can’t pull the tears back in.
“I want him to come for me. I want him to hold me and comfort me, take care of me and make a life together and I can take care of him as well. I want his love again. I want him to move and come and I want the princess and the wolf again even as I -know- that this world somehow became a place where magic and fairy tales of people finding love no longer seemed to happen without -punishment-…” I look at him, “I want it back and I know I sound like a child. But what I want most of all – is not to hurt him anymore. To where he cannot even -move- because of it.” I shake my head. “No matter what, he’s always done his job. Served his justice. Even during the worst of… he still did. Why not this time?”
I try to gather myself for I know this man is out of patience with me. I’m killing his son, I’ve already done so a few times before and I can’t let it happen again. I sit up and wipe my face with my sleeve. “Forgive me, Ueda-sama. You’ve offered me the best advice I’ll ever be given and I never seem to find the right path.” Oh, Yaso-san. How I wish he still had you. The one who really knew how to love him.
He asks to be excused so I leave him, in his sunny room in a house that’s now too quiet.
(OOC – Hide will leave, ok to close or note as such)
Ueda:
“No… it was the chatter of another.”
I can’t help but look back. Another? Is she so timid that… Or maybe he made her into who she is now?
She seems sincerely shocked when I asked her if she wanted to make him accountable.
“When I said what I said… I thought he had already seen enough to where I couldn’t….”
“Where you couldn’t what Yagi-san?” But she goes on saying she should do better. That she didn’t fight back against the hard headed child. “He is just like his father I imagine if I knew him at that age. I heard Gorou left his home at a young age as he couldn’t stand his brother.” I hold back a sigh, “It is important to set boundaries so that their paths will lay straight and narrow. Unbridled freedom comes at a price.”
I wanted him to end his marriage in a way he felt was honorable, and didn’t further damage his relationships to his sons. I was willing to wait
“I heard he ended it -recently-.” I pause tilting my head to the side, “But I also heard, it was done for his sake alone. Kurosawa-kun showed me the documents. In that way I suppose you can say it was rather honorable that there was no mention of a third party… And as things are now, I suppose you are free from being cited the reason for the separation and so his sons cannot come back and blame you.” I don’t say anything about the words and promises. They are just that promises that it seems now were made to be broken.
And she starts crying and I wonder was it that things I have said? I let her cry for whatever has been lost. Yet even though she realizes the loss is -real- she wants it back. Is that possible? Sitting here in this room. Letting the days move on as it has been?
But what I want most of all – is not to hurt him anymore. To where he cannot even -move- because of it.”
“I doubt he’s unable to move because he is afraid to be hurt. That man has seen worst than you Yagi-san.”
“No matter what, he’s always done his job. Served his justice. Even during the worst of… he still did. Why not this time?”
“Because he has changed. For better or for worse, he has.” I look up, “And the circumstances themselves have changed. Gone are the days of the end of the Shogunate where you might not see tomorrow or might not return from exile. I heard rumors that the reason they took him to work in para-military police was because of the constant threats threatening to topple the Meiji government. But after the Southwestern rebellion and putting down the various uprising in this country the Meiji is powerful now, it has assimilated most of its enemies and even us Aizu have become part of this fold. Maybe the justice that you speak of that has moved him before is different.”
“Forgive me, Ueda-sama. You’ve offered me the best advice I’ll ever be given and I never seem to find the right path.”
Yagi-san starts to leave. “If I give you the best advise Yagi-san then why is it that in -this- conversation, looking at how you responded to me it seems you’ve only listened to half of what I said?”
It was unwarranted but I suppose a desperate man like myself has nothing left. “Yaso was a good daughter of mine and of the clan. So good in fact that she gave up her husband for the betterment of the clan. I was -complicit- in that I allowed her to keep her silence eventhough Gorou had sent her several letters from Tokyo. He will not repeat that same mistake. He will not go chase after a woman again. But I do like to think that if it came down to it if Yaso was still alive today, she would be where it mattered the most even if it was as far as Shanghai.”
Ah but that is -wishful- thinking. Yaso is dead and Yagi-san is the type who waits. I turn to face the window and close my eyes instead after all I am an old man. At some point I will keep my peace.
(OOC: close)