It wouldn’t be the first time I’d ask her to do this. It is after all a long standing modus operandi of ours in our entrapment operations. But I admit I’ve grown soft over the course of just a year or so, ever since I found them in Ito. But that’s the -past-. I don’t belong in that kind of life. A life with a home. I belong in the shadows where the company is dubious and cruel. I -knew- better. No wonder she told me, I wasn’t -me-, not anymore.
I enter the Machiya without a knock. Why would I? It’s -my- place. I’m only letting her stay here because she’ll be of use.
“Well I’d appreciate it if you don’t just barge in here.” She says a little peeved.
“Oh?” I look her over, she’s been changing into… more normal? She’s just in a yukata and her hair isn’t even fixed up with all the decorations she used to wear.
“What are you staring at?”
Sporting a grin I go over to her, “-You- of course.”
She smiles and looks up at me, with something of a flicker in her eyes. “Are you going to pay me a compliment Hajime-han?”
“Maybe.” I touch her cheek, “But I’d like to see you once again “Taiyu”.”
And immediately I see, that flicker died as soon as I said the words. But I can’t care about that. She -knows- her job. Her purpose. What I keep her for. She moves away and turns her back. I go ahead and approach her, wrapping an arm around her waist and then smelling the nape of her neck. “Get dressed and maybe we can…”
“You want me to dress only to unwrap me Hajime-han?”
“It’s a fun game we play. Remember?” And it was a game. Just like -everything- was a game. And I know I must play it. If I’m to win. So I go plant light kisses on her neck. She takes my hand and places it inside her yukata and I give her a good squeeze.
“How about unwrapping me as I am right now?” She asks, almost quietly.
Unwrapping her as herself? What does -that- even mean?
“I could but I want the Taiyu of Shimabara tonight.” I turn her to face me and kiss her first on the lips and then up her long neck.
“I -am- the Taiyu.” I hear her snort and chuckle a little, “You seem to doubt me Hajime-han but you shouln’t worry. I’ll do the job.”
“Ah. You caught me.” I stop what I’m doing and grin at her. It’s true I try to get her ready before an important job. Let the Taiyu of Shimabara feel like a Taiyu. And I don’t mind the fringe benefits…
“Usually I’d not turn down a job but…” She looks up at me and puts her arms around my neck. “we haven’t had any fun since you found her again.”
That’s true. I’ve had lapses in my memory but everywhere I looked when it came to intimacy or making love, I only saw Hide. Everyone else I’ve conveniently forgotten, passing fancies or “relief” I call them. Even my wives… And even this one, my one -real- temptation but -only- that, nothing else. One who I owed things but never really asked for anything in return except…
Just one more job to ensure those demons doesn’t bother Hide ever again. Her sister gave her a new body and cured her ailments, it would be a shame if something like that happened again. There wouldn’t be another sister to make her whole and perfect again. And can’t help but furrow my brows at that.
“Don’t tell me you’re feeling queasy again?” She sighs and starts to pull away. “-Everytime- Hajime…”
“Not this time.” I muster a grin, and lock her back into my arms. “I don’t want you backing out after all.” After this job I’ll let Aioi have her freedom. I never loved her, only desired her at times. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to use her, from conjuring up an excuse to escape the Goryo Eiji to placing Aioi in the middle of nefarious men. She’s always managed -somehow-.
“Then in that case.” She pulls me to the waiting futon, ready for us in this young night. With a grin, I waste no time in starting my conquest.
Engaging her in some light petting, trying to get myself in the mood. A kiss here, a fondle there and I even managed to get that yukata open. Still, unlike the other nights when I was literally getting sick. It seems my problem is a new one, as she unsuccessfully try to get me hard. That’s a new one even for me. Or is it the company? She must’ve gotten tired as she pulled herself up beside me and I resume kissing her, this time on the lips. Still even with her expert hands and my willingness, -nothing-.
“Have you had any sleep Hajime-han?” She asks letting go of my member. And I have to say I’m a little disappointed.
“An hour or two. Here and there.” I admit. The row house was uncomfortable and well I’ve had a lot of things to think about and -do-. “So… Do I look -that- bad?”
She laughs softly. “No but… Do you want me to pretend to be her? Will that get you hard?”
I blink, “No I came here for -you-.” That’s -true- because I thought I’d need to convince her to go.
“Out of your own free will.” She smiles a bit and there’s something in her eyes. As if she realized something. Did she see through me? But this isn’t anything new. We’ve done this before.
She suddenly shifts and closes her yukata and I can’t help but quirk my eyebrows at that. “You’re going to deny me?” I ask.
“No but you’re not only exhausted but also tense. You can’t go to an undercover mission as you are. It’s dangerous for you -and- me.” She touches my face so tenderly. “Take a rest Hajime-han? And if you still want me later. I won’t refuse you, the night is still young after all.”
I stare at her -hard-. She’s right. This woman who knows me well and yet knows -little- about me. Who never asked for anything back in return. If it had been another place or time perhaps… But maybe, I -can- in a little while. So I take her advise and sleep, while feeling her fingers lightly playing in my ear. She is a kind woman.
He sleeps and I lightly trace the edge where his hair and skin meet until my fingers reach his bangs. He’s so unaware when he’s like this. I’d scold him but I don’t have the heart to. Before in his younger days as a Captain, he wouldn’t be caught sleeping like this. He’d be sitting up asleep, ready to grab that katana but now? His katana is perched against the wall as if he doesn’t even remember. But I like this one who’s sleeping unlike the other who would get what he wants and leave right after. Saying something like, “Not to expect more.”, or “That’s all this is.” He was such a bastard back then. But now?
Softly I lay beside him, snuggling up to his side – rare if ever would I be allowed such closeness. But now I -know-. I suspected it when he left his sword, or change to those shabby clothes but I suspected it so long ago when he didn’t wear that ring anymore. But earlier when he wanted to, under the guise of convincing me for a job? I saw right through him. That he wasn’t with this “hime-sama” anymore. But I needed to be sure so I asked if he’s slept lately, because if he did sleep soundly, then that’s the sign of a contented man. Still just a month or so ago, when he was trying to over compensate for his masculinity, he would get sick everytime we’d get to the main act… He blamed that on the drugs he was taking. And now, when it seems he stopped taking those drugs? He’s not sick but can’t perform? A part of him must still be pining for her.
But she’s not worth it Hajime-han.
I’d never utter those words to him because he’d rebuke them right away even if it were true. She’s no different than his other wife, holier than thou, better than everyone else. And she’s not the one he used to ask me to pretend as, that playful neko-chan of his or his perfect hime-sama. And worse, from what I’ve seen, she’s prone to whining and complaining when she doesn’t get her way. I smile but that’s what a princess does doesn’t she? And she’s a coward, avoiding anything difficult and inconvenient. She probably knows where he is right now or can guess but she’s such a coward (or is she high perched? Or -both-) she’d never come here. She probably thinks she wants him to come back on his own. That she’s worth -that- much. But I saw the light die in his eyes, how he lost faith in whatever he thought they had and himself.
If only… we didn’t get used to the way it has always been. This game we played, where he thinks I was owed nothing and want for nothing. While I played along, saying I needed nothing and wanted nothing. And we both kept our pride intact. But for now I’ll let him recapture some of that which he lost – even if he is doing it for her. If he wants. I’m here. So i lay my head on his chest, watching it rise and fall until I fall asleep myself.
Looking down, I see Aioi still soundly sleeping. Her hair still made up and not a tussled mess. I stare at her hair a bit more, thinking it would be nice if she wore it down. I used to think that of Hide as well but Aioi doesn’t smell like Hide. Aioi smells denser, more earthly. And my mind wonders to that time when Hide used to try to smell me. Is that what she smelled on me? But that’s not what she was looking for. She was looking for the smell of sex, she called it. I suppose that’s the “high bar” she set for my infidelity. As long as I didn’t touch Aioi, she would deem it just -fine-. That she’d deem me acceptable that way.
I suppose it doesn’t matter now. We’re done after all. Even if we succumb to our desires, even with -that- kiss from yesterday. After that, what she thought of me and what I thought of her doesn’t really change. I saw her limits and I suppose I met mine. Who was I to her? I’ve always wondered but more importantly, if I wasn’t who she thought I was would she still… But the answer to that was clear as day. It was clear a year ago when she followed me back here to Tokyo. I suppose I was just in denial back then, but now after all that’s happened. What’s revealed whether deliberate or not, now I’m -sure-. Goro huh? That -is- my name. Tch.
Maybe… Maybe it’s better this way? She doesn’t think much of Aioi, trying to convince me that she’s not to be trusted. Was that a woman who was looking out for me or just a possessive woman who hates it when others play with her -toy-. Maa… The truth was regardless I do have a responsibility towards Hide as she is the mother of my children, just like Tokio. Was I anything more than an absent father to the children? Leaving her with all the baggage and yet saying she didn’t mind it. But clearly she did. She just didn’t say it. She was too busy trying to be whatever she thought made a good woman but she didn’t really love me. Not really. But what’s fascinating is she didn’t even know it. Still doesn’t know it.
How did that song go? I’ve always let her win this game and winning became her saintly virtue? But one thing’s for sure. I was never really hers. Because whenever I tried to make peace, I was just a river in her vast sea. I was the shadow and she the light. So what’s the point of going on for this -loser-? And yet in that song, he didn’t harbor bad feelings towards her. He was the happy one to have loved her more. But I’m not that kind of gracious man who takes the high road or as she would put it, not one to show mercy or forgive. I couldn’t possibly be that kind of man. I suppose maybe Charles or Okita was.
“Are you thinking about her?” came that soft voice.
I look down on the warm flesh beside me. I lie. “No.”
She smiles and comes up so we’re eye level. “I hope you figured it out by now.”
She nips at my lips and I stare at her again. She’s not Hide. And I finally understood what Aioi meant when she said, unwrapping her as herself. What did Hide say? That it’s impossible that Aioi doesn’t have complicated feelings? Maybe it’s time I acknowledge them then.
I reach up and touch her cheek and then my free hand goes to remove the pins in her hair. “You’re beautiful Aioi. Do you know that?”
She smiles at me. I’ve not had that in a while either. So I pull her down beside me for a kiss. It’s not the same as the other day with Hide but at least I know with this one. It -is- a game.
And I feel her reach down between us. She grins, “I think you’ve solved the problem.”
“Don’t waste time and..” I shake my head, “let’s not ruin the moment.”
What day is it today? I better clean up after. Not that it matters.
(OOC: End Saturday scene)