This time, I’m able to control my entry here. I land in the place I mean to – my tiny apartment in a neighborhood not as nice as Hajime’s. For example, fewer options for take-out. No fine dining offering Italian seafood dishes. Instead, I settle for a pizza that is somehow both greasy and dry at the same time?
But, my plants aren’t dead.
I take a long shower, and then go through my clothes. Things I’d forgotten about. Accessories for a life I set up for him, to be with him, to follow him. I didn’t mind, and I still don’t. But he… it was different.
Are my other clothes still at Toudou-san’s place? Did I leave a pile of clothes when the shadow pulled me back?
Still in a towel, I text the number I have saved as Hajime’s. Does it go to that beat-up, unconnected phone or to something newer? Meet me at Kondou-san’s bar tonight? Remembering what Toudou-san said… I send a second message. No other girlfriends please.
I get dressed. Enjoying heels – that I’m in a time with them, and that my ankle is good and strong. A wrap dress. Doing what I can with my hair… I grab a purse with a working phone, actual money… the ride I called is waiting. Will anyone else be? I sit back and watch the city pass, it’s so -big-.
I get to the bar, and hesitate at the door. Who else will be here?
(OOC – Hide is at Kondou’s bar)
“Hide-chan.” I grin. “Stop standing by the door. Otherwise people will think you got bounced out of the bar.”
I take her hand and place it on the door. “Now all you got to do is push or not and you can go home..” I wink at her. “But I bet you want to see someone right?”
A voice booms out at me, and I’m startled. This place is strange. They’re -dead- but here they all are, excepting Souji. But this very alive Harada-san chides me for tarrying by the door.
“Oh, no, I don’t want to give Kondou-san bar that reputation. Few enough lone women brave this place -anyway-,” I laugh, pushing the door open.
I scan the dark room. “You caught me, Harada-san. I’m looking for Hajime, but I hear he doesn’t come around here much anymore.”
Harada:
Oh, no, I don’t want to give Kondou-san bar that reputation. Few enough lone women brave this place -anyway-
I can’t help but laugh at this. “All those women don’t know what they’re missing.” I casually tap Hide-chan’s shoulder and add, “don’t worry I don’t think anyone will think of you as that kind of girl. Not. At. All.” I grin remembering when Okita used to tease her as one of his sisters.
You caught me, Harada-san. I’m looking for Hajime, but I hear he doesn’t come around here much anymore
“He’s a hard one to catch.” I nod, but then remember what Heisuke told me about Hajime-chan. What he’s suspects he’s been doing and yet it’s Heisuke who kept her clothes? I wonder who to believe.
Almost immediately after I close the door, Heisuke comes up to us. Grinning from ear to ear.
“I can’t believe it! You came back after running away that morning!” He rubs the back of his neck, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
What the hell did Heisuke do to the girl? He’s always liked her but… “I don’t want to hear this!” I plug my ears. “Whatever it is I don’t know anything! Oh and Hajime-chan ain’t here! That was Heisuke’s fault!”
That said I move away. Away from trouble!
All those women don’t know what they’re missing.” I casually tap Hide-chan’s shoulder and add, “don’t worry I don’t think anyone will think of you as that kind of girl. Not. At. All.”
I smile at him, knowing he’s teasing me. “Well I’ve tried to tell girls I know about it, that this place is -full- of good-looking guys with -decent- enough manners…” I shrug. “Their loss, and Kondou-san doesn’t have to learn to make a lot of “girly” drinks!” Although after last time, drinking is the last thing I’ll be doing…
“That he is,” I mutter, disappointed. I thought to meet him -here-…
I can’t believe it! You came back after running away that morning! I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you
“Oh, no, I’m so sorry I ran off – a friend had an emergency!” Well… there was an emergency. And a friend? Well……. “I should have left a note, or something!”
I don’t want to hear this! Whatever it is I don’t know anything! Oh and Hajime-chan ain’t here! That was Heisuke’s fault!
“Toudou-san was nothing but a -gentleman- to me when I overindulged,” knowing, that despite his protests, that he was listening – they were all such -gossips-, I think, fondly, and Toudou-san doesn’t deserve to have his kind deeds towards me to reflect badly on him. I indicate an empty booth. “Let’s sit?” I offer.
Heisuke:
Harada’s already walked away in the middle of Yagi-san trying to explain what happened the other night.
“Oh I hope your friend is doing better. ” I say as I follow her to a vacant booth. One of the waiters comes over placing pretzels on the table and i tell him to bring us coolers. “So what brought you here?”
“She got in over her head,” I say, which is what happened. He had an attack and she… couldn’t even -try-. But she’s gone, or subdued, now, thanks to my sister. I just wish that the one who created her had a role in banishing her. I smile, “but she’s fine, now.”
We are presented with refreshments, and Toudou-san orders drinks. “Oh, after last time… I think I’m off drink for a while,” I laugh.
“I came here to see Hajime – I texted him, but no response,” I say, shaking my head, before looking up at him. “But I also know that I owe you both a thanks and an apology – you were very kind to me, not just when I got drunk but when you listened to me before.”
“I’m glad to hear that. ”
She refuses the drinks, “Ah but these are just lite coolers.” I say and open up one for her and another for me, “they hardly have any alcohol.”
I came here to see Hajime – I texted him, but no response,
So he’s being true to his word? But he’s not one to lie to us. “He told me he was selling his place and moving out. So he must’ve already left town. ” knowing him, if he’s serious then he’d have changed his number too. -Good-.
But I also know that I owe you both a thanks and an apology – you were very kind to me, not just when I got drunk but when you listened to me before
I wave my hand and take a drink. “No need to apologize. I love listening to you.” I laugh, “you see I have lots of free time! “
I look at the bottle, and then take a cautious sip. They are light… but I’m not going to get over my head tonight.
He told me he was selling his place and moving out. So he must’ve already left town
“Then I came looking in the wrong place,” I say, quietly, toying with a pretzel, feeling like by coming here I made a terrible mistake. “I learned something yesterday… I wanted to speak to him, without other distractions.” And what better than this place?
I love listening to you
I smile a bit. “I shouldn’t have bored you so much with my troubles, I’m sorry.” But I tilt my head and look at him. “So what -are- you going to do? Another trip? Or settle down with something – you probably have some good connections!”
Todou:
I don’t say anything else when she speaks about Hajime-kun. Doesn’t she get it? He’s gone and -abandoned- her. I can’t help but feel a gradual down land on my face.
She smiles and tells me she shouldn’t have taken bothered me with her troubles but those were the -best- times. When she would spend it with me rather than, well back then with Souji and now him…
So what -are- you going to do? Another trip? Or settle down with something – you probably have some good connections!
I swallow. I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to find where I can belong but all I’ve wanted was in front of me and I just didn’t grab it with both hands. Saying Souji’s my brother… and Hajime never wanted her in the first place. He liked that-other- girl, the one he’s destined to be with. I ball my hand into a fist..
“You know,, You left your dress in my place. I was thinking of giving it back.” I stammer and sweep my eyes across the bar and it’s then I see him glaring at me. Does he know? But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t understand.
I go ahead and meet her eyes had on “But if you were -my- girl, you can keep your things at my place. ” and then I add, “And then you wouldn’t have to worry about other girls nor go after someone who doesn’t really want you. “
His expression shifts as I talk about Hajime. I suppose he -is- tired of me, lamenting on.
Then his fist clenches and I wonder if this is where he’ll just pop up from the table…
You know,, You left your dress in my place. I was thinking of giving it back. But if you were -my- girl, you can keep your things at my place. And then you wouldn’t have to worry about other girls nor go after someone who doesn’t really want you.”
I’m…. stunned.
He -means- it.
My expression changes, as I look at him. Really look at him.
What he’s offering me… it’s something truly felt. The teasing from Souji, from Hajime…
He’s a good man. Kind. Looking for something in his life.
And… part of me wants to. To have the easy life. A happily ever after. I’m certain if I brought the girls, he’d take them in as his own. Love them, too, despite not being his. He’s a good man.
But my eyes glance away from him, to the banner behind the wall. The kanji… the one our oldest uses for her name. The banner these men once fought under, were willing to die under, and some -did-.
Sincerity.
He’s sincere, in what he offers. And would I be, if I accepted it?
I smile at him, and reach for his hand, and meet his eyes again. “Toudou-kun… that’s the best offer I think I’ve ever had.” Once, someone asked me to grow old with him… and while he meant it at the time, it wasn’t an offer that -lasted-. “But… as long as my heart is still tied to Hajime, as long as I hold onto -hope- for him…” I shake my head, blinking. “It’s not a fair place to say yes from. After all, when I started with Hajime, I was still wrapped up in the -ghost- of an ideal Souji, the one who never existed – and he -still- hasn’t dealt with his first love, much less Tokio.”
“And I know… that even if I have given up, even though I see the doom coming to my world… that after this, I’m meant to be on my own. I need love. To love someone, to be loved in return. But I was never fair, never good, for either of the men I loved.” I pull back my hand, I can’t stop the tears, now, as I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
I like Toudou-san too much as a friend, and the bright promise of his life here… even if I wanted -protection-, a home, a place… I can’t do that. “You deserve better, old friend, than a discarded, runaway woman.”
Todou:
I watch as she averts her eyes from me and it lands at an old flag that we -all- know the meaning of. She makes an excuse, using that which is embodied in the flag of our platoon.
“But… as long as my heart is still tied to Hajime, as long as I hold onto -hope- for him…” I shake my head, blinking. “It’s not a fair place to say yes from.
Is she really? For a moment there was a look in her eye that was more than just surprise or even dumbfoundness, a flash of desire and hope for a -better- life that my offer presented. She wants it. Desires it. -Wishes- for it.
And I know… that even if I have given up, even though I see the doom coming to my world… that after this, I’m meant to be on my own. I need love. To love someone, to be loved in return.
I hold her gaze but she starts crying as she pulls back her hand. She tells me I deserve better. But it’s not about deserving. Didn’t anybody tell her that? “My offer doesn’t come with conditions.” I say, “And you’re not being sincere in what you just said. Did you hear yourself Yagi-san? You say your heart is tied to Hajime and yet in the same breath you say you’ve given up. Yet you need love. To love someone and to be loved in return.”
“I can be that man for you.” Standing up I go over to her side and wrap my arms around her. “Come back with me to my apartment. One night will change everything for you. You were able to love someone else after Souji, you can love someone else -again-.” I had thought of telling her Hajime-kun came to me to “thank” me, but if he truly meant what he said that he’s trying to make things -right-, then he can “thank” me later.
“So what do you say?” I squeeze her shoulders and feel her warmth. To be this close…
“Heisuke.” A calm and even voice interrupts us and I’d know that voice anywhere. Toshi’s. I’m not one of his pets but Souji and Hajime are. But I don’t move away from her.
“Hide-chan, if Heisuke’s gotten you upset. I’ll ask him to leave.” He crosses his arms. “Or if he’s being a gentleman to you then you can go with him until you’ve settled down -elsewhere- because this is a bar and there’s a lot of gossip here.”
My offer doesn’t come with conditions. And you’re not being sincere in what you just said. Did you hear yourself Yagi-san? You say your heart is tied to Hajime and yet in the same breath you say you’ve given up. Yet you need love. To love someone and to be loved in return.
I’d tell him that just because I don’t know how else to save Hajime and I don’t mean that I’ve stopped loving him. That… is not ending. Why else would I have given myself to him so freely, those two nights? Expecting nothing, just wanting him, to express the love that I have for him in a way we can, while we still can?
Then he moves and puts his arm around me, and that’s when whatever he’s offering feels so -wrong-. As he speaks of one night, I just….
The thought that he would make life easy is nothing… I wouldn’t have the highs, I wouldn’t have the lows. It would be… my sister’s word comes back to me. Content, she called it. In her unequal relationship… they were fine with content.
I’m not.
And I also know that this is what Hajime would want for me, in that -way- of his. For me to be safe and -content-. To have a simple, easy life, with a man who could offer me a commitment he seems unable to make himself, for reasons that are too numerous to think about right now. My fault. His fault.
surrender… just let it go. stop fighting, give up, surrender there’s nothing else for you, stop reacting and just let the universe do what it wishes to you, what -he- wants, surrender, surrender
It’s then that I realize that my thoughts are wrapped around the song blaring from the jukebox, Kondou-san always liked the oldies… Surrender, surrender, But don’t give yourself away
So what do you say?
His grip on my shoulders gets tighter and uncomfortable, and I move them, trying to move -away- from a touch I don’t want. Someone I don’t want to give myself to.
“No, Toudou-san.”
Then we’re interrupted by Hijikata-san, and my face flames -red-. And Toudou-san does not back up and that leaves me even more unsettled – shouldn’t my “friend” listen to me? Be aware of my discomfort?
Hide-chan, if Heisuke’s gotten you upset. I’ll ask him to leave. Or if he’s being a gentleman to you then you can go with him until you’ve settled down -elsewhere- because this is a bar and there’s a lot of gossip here.
I look at him, wearily. “Yes, I understand. How my father would be ashamed at me, throwing myself after one captain after another.” Times like this, I’m glad to be short, and flexible again, as I grab my purse and slide around the round booth seat, to the other side and then out of the booth. “I apologize, Hijikata-san, to you and Kondou-san, for this disturbance. And thank you.” I bow, slightly, in a way that’s not done here.
I look at them both, and shoulder my purse. “I’ll leave now, I don’t need a ride, thank you.” I turn around, and at the bar I see… him. How much did he see? What did he -think-? My head starts to hurt, of how this will be taken in worlds far beyond here. How what I wanted tonight, to meet and get Himura-san’s assumptions of Megumi’s assumption about his and Tokio’s situation set to understanding, didn’t happen. But now?
I stop and look at him, my face red from my tears and the shame I felt when Hijikata-san called me out. I want him to take me in his arms, and tell me that he loves me, to – I just look at him. Wanting… needing…
It’s then the door opens and I see a tall, dark haired woman with a beautiful face enter the bar. Of course. Maybe this one is -sane-.
I keep walking and pull out my phone, going out the door and down to the next storefront, a vacant one, but one that has an awning against the rain that started while I was inside. With trembling fingers, I struggle with getting the app open to call a ride.
(OOC – who the woman is is up to you, Hide has no idea what Tokio actually looks like lol. She is outside and will exit shortly to her place unless stopped)
Hajime:
How I ended up here, here in the dark corner behind the counter of Kondou-san’s bar… Wasn’t I in my rental at Ruffian’s Row? Testing out the hard floor… There’s chatter everywhere but somehow my vision tunnels to another corner of the bar where Hijikata-san’s gone off to and there’s Heisuke and Hide, embracing?
But this world… in this world everyone is free and it was only a day or two ago Heisuke let me know what he thinks. Is she finally?
“I’ll leave now, I don’t need a ride, thank you.”
And she turns to leave and our eyes meet. She gives me a look, I don’t see that look often. I don’t know how I got here. Did you?
But she’s running out of the bar and I hesitate whether to run after her. Why did she bring me here? Did she?
“Gorou! There you are!” I wince at the name and the voice that uttered it. “I’ve been looking all over for you! I knew you’d be in this run down bar. How do you ever expect to get an honorable discharge if you keep -regressing- and working in this dump?”
I go over to the middle of the bar and try to look behind Tokio where the door just slammed shut.
“Hoi! I’m right here?” She tells me as if I didn’t know. “Wait who was that girl? Do you know her?”
“The girl is the daughter of a good friend of mine.” Hijikata butts in. “Hey Saitou, don’t just stand there. I told you earlier to give her a ride since it’s raining.” He tosses me the keys to his car.
“But I have to talk to Gorou!”
“Ah I’m sorry Takagi-san but can you please sit down and wait a little in this booth?” He takes Todou by the shoulder, “Heisuke-kun will keep you company and get you some refreshments until Saitou gets back.”
“Stop calling him Saitou. It’s a name of ill repute!”
“Ah yes. He’s Fujita now right? Your brother has worked hard to ensure…”
“Yes absolutely. He is the -best- lawyer in the city. I dare say the state even!”
I catch Hijikata-san’s eyes which clearly said “Get out”. I bow slightly and leave as Tokio starts talking about the Takagi’s. Heisuke has a grim look on his face being left there, but I suppose now he’ll find out truly what’s been going on. But for now, I go around the back and get HIjikata’s car and thankfully as I round the corner it doesn’t seem like she’s gone far at all.
Pulling up to the curb, I roll the windows down. “Get in. I’ll take you home.”
I’m not sure though where home is anymore.
The beautiful woman has a loud voice, I can hear that as I go out the door.
Gorou! There you are!
As the door swings behind her, I can hear it… So it -is- her. She’s as pretty as I’d imagined, wearing classically fashionable clothes on her slender frame, so tall, that raven-black hair piled on her head in one of those seemingly effortless arrangements that enhances her features.
He was here for her, not me. They’re probably laughing about me, right now. Maybe consoling Toudou-san that he can do better than me, with his money and connections. She probably even has a friend, like a bright Aizu-born doctor…
The ride app is not connecting due to the bad signal here and I want to throw this useless phone to the ground, but I know in this place you’re lost without it, so I shove it back in my purse, and drag out a folded reusable shopping back I have in there, with the idea of utility in this world, and pull it over my head, in an attempt at a rain-hat. Maybe if I walk a few blocks…
I’m about to cross the street when a dark sedan pulls up in front of me – and the window opens. If this is… I may be some shameless captain-chaser but I am -not-….
Get in. I’ll take you home.
I recognize the voice before I lean down to peer into the open window, in the dim light I see him.
I could stand in the rain, and walk until whatever. I’m already soaked. But what would that do?
But he’s here. Even if he’s supposed to be with her, the woman that he’s supposed to -belong- to, and here he is, looking at me with an expression I can’t quite read.
I open the car door and sit down, taking the bag off my head, even the thick canvas didn’t help much.
“Thank you,” I say, folding the back and putting it in my lap, shivering, as the air is blasting. “My place here… is across town. Do you remember? Rough neighborhood, fifth floor walkup?” I lean my head back against the headrest. “But anywhere I can warm up, preferably with a long, hot shower. We can go anywhere.” I glance over at him. “Why didn’t you stay with her?” I ask, unable to let it go anymore, after -seeing- her in the flesh.
My place here… is across town. Do you remember? Rough neighborhood, fifth floor walkup?” “But anywhere I can warm up, preferably with a long, hot shower. We can go anywhere.”
“I’ll take you back to your place.” I say calmly and start driving. I don’t have anything left here to take her to. Do I even have a phone? Thank kami for Hijikata-san.
Why didn’t you stay with her?
I’m tempted to tout a reply back but it’s obvious she’s upset about something… Was it because of Tokio? I stay silent for a long moment before answering.
“She doesn’t need me.” I say simply. But the opposite isn’t true either.
We leave the lights of downtown and get into the inner neighborhoods. I watch as the street lamps became less dense as we pass the inner streets. And a stray thought comes to mind, I don’t exist here anymore.
Hajime is taking me back to my place.
She doesn’t need me
I remember that look I gave him, in the bar. One calling out for help. Does he know how much I need him? Not just when I’m in trouble, but for all time? I reach over, and touch his hand on the stick shift.
“Is your place gone?” I ask, remembering the way his other side was trying to -neatly- close everything up. “When I showed up at your place – naked, thanks to the shadow when she pulled me in – I ended up hiding in the back of your closet when some buyers came by.” I look at the car I’m in, and reach over and turn down the air, noting that while the car isn’t cluttered, it’s not as tidy as I’d expect… “This isn’t your car, either?” It’s not the one he used, once, when we took Makoto to the aquarium. “What is left of the life you have here?”
“Not my car.” I confirm it. We turn a corner and I pull over to the front of her place. I leave the car running since she seems to want the cool air.
I look straight on. Thinking. Knowing I should just say it since what’s the point of trying to keep going? I didn’t come here as she asked for the same reason I left the house. The same reason I guess why I should just do this now. What’s the point of trying to continue when all I was doing was delaying the inevitable and resenting things as things progressed or didn’t?
“Hide.” I pause choosing my words carefully, “Not too long ago before your abduction, you said you were willing to put an end to this but it had to be what’s right for you. That you can write the life that you’ve hoped for yourself and the children. Go ahead and do that. You can write it how you wish, with me or without me. You can put in place anything… everything you desire so you can have your dream. I won’t oppose your choices.”
That said I go ahead and light a smoke. He won’t like that I smoked in his car but he won’t find me anymore.
He’s so quiet. So quiet…
Hide. Not too long ago before your abduction, you said you were willing to put an end to this but it had to be what’s right for you. That you can write the life that you’ve hoped for yourself and the children. Go ahead and do that. You can write it how you wish, with me or without me. You can put in place anything… everything you desire so you can have your dream. I won’t oppose your choices.
I look at him, just -look- at him from the low light coming from the dashboard.
“You came tonight because I needed you. Not because I asked you to meet for a chat. You left a beautiful woman who came chasing after you for once, to come to my rescue.” Even as upset as I was… he was my light in that moment, even though I -hated- that he saw Toudou-san coming onto me.
I take a deep breath, inhaling his smoke, the smell…. “I could write it, I’m sure. Hide and Hajime and fifteen children because they’re always getting it on, happy forever.” I shake my head. “I suppose I could be content with that, with making some Hajime that I could bend to my will.” I smile, a bit grimly. “After all, when you tried to write me, you made a shadow who liked to sleep and was a bad cook.”
“I was made another offer tonight, you know. From Toudou-san. To, as he put it, be his girl. It would be -easy- with him. I could have been -content-, I suppose, even though he got alarmingly pushy… but my sister didn’t heal me at the cost of her life for me to be content. I wasn’t -made- to be content. I didn’t go chasing after you all those years ago to be content.”
“I turned Toudou-san down. And you were there, as I had to leave, after feeling ashamed and fickle because another man wanted me.” I look up, and out the moon roof. “You came tonight. I don’t think you were meaning to. But you did.” The rain is slowing, to light drizzle. “You left Tokio tonight. You left Tokio back in our time.” I look over at him. “You’re a free man, and here you are.”
“This story has always been a collaboration. I won’t be in it any other way. I’m not going to write you, bend you, corrupt you, losing -you-, the you I love.” I take his hand in mine, rubbing it, it’s cold, too. “I want all of you – your love, your tenderness, your anger, your frustration, your disappointments, your joys. I want to be everything to you. You’re my world, my rescue, my hope.” I grip his hand. “But If I can’t make you happy, if you can’t -be- with me, in this world or 1886 Tokyo or anywhere else, I’m not going to write it without -you-. I’d rather lose it all than try to write your part of the story.” After all, wasn’t some of my actions, my avoidance of risk back in SO me trying to do that? And look where we are….
I lean against him, the shift stick digging against my stomach, but I ignore the discomfort. “Dreams are just that, my love. I would rather have a -life- with you, here and in all the places we can be. It won’t be easy, though.” I lean up to kiss him, softly at first, and then, deeply.
“Hajime….” I lean back, taking in one more lungful of his smoke, one more moment of his hands, one more look at those face, those eyes that aren’t looking at me right now. “You can park the car and come up with me. We can keep on with this story. Or… you can drive away, and that can be it.” I still hold his hands. If this is it, then this is it. It can all go, at least we loved each other enough to make the world change, once upon a time. Will it happen again?
I look at him. I can’t help but hope, even as everything I’ve seen in the past year tells me -not- to.
“You came tonight because I needed you. Not because I asked you to meet for a chat. You left a beautiful woman who came chasing after you for once, to come to my rescue.”
So she did notice, that each of them, as she said before I was cast away. I look at the dash and turn off the flashing right turn signal and roll down my side of the window so I can smoke more. I look out that side. “I was going to meet you.” I say quietly, “But I decided against it.”
I ash the cigarette and drag on it some more. It was just like the other times when I realized it was going to be like most times and it wasn’t her fault. She wanted to see me, I knew that. I -see- her try. Things were just outside of her control, or at least I tell myself that. No. It wasn’t her fault.
I almost thank Kami as she seems amicable to my proposal. To end it and make it as she wanted it, a happy ending. A good life, full of joy, like she’d hope. But in the end she refuses and reminds me how I made her shadow who didn’t do anything but sleep. But I made the shadow when I was -certain- it was over and I just needed to at least put things in their rightful place. I’m still trying to do that I think, except for now, when I give in to what’s practical. What’s -real-. At least she can go the way she wanted.
She even tells me about Heisuke’s proposal. I knew he’d propose to her eventually. That’s what desperate men do when they’ve loved someone for a long time. But she speaks about being indebted to her sister and that notion that her sister gave up her life for her. “Your sister healed you, yes. You should be thankful but she didn’t give up her life for you. She wanted to follow Okita to wherever he went.” I hope she understood that her life is not completely indebted to someone and should not be lived based on that indebtness.
But as for ending it on her terms, she refuses, claiming it was a collaboration. The cigarette burns quick and I’m forced to let it drop to the ground outside as she tells me what I am to her. I can’t be all that because if I was, how come we’re here? But she grips my hand -tightly- and tells me she’d rather lose it all than write my part, if I can’t be with her in any of the worlds we knew.
“Dreams are just that, my love. I would rather have a -life- with you, here and in all the places we can be. It won’t be easy, though.”
All those words and we kiss. And I can’t escape the kiss, always drowned in the moment – for a moment deluding myself it can work – until it ends. All of her words that half of me believes but the other does -not-. I sit back and look ahead. “Back then, after things had changed so much, all I wanted you to do was say the words and let me go. I swore to myself I wouldn’t try to change your mind and so when you did, I didn’t.”
“You can park the car and come up with me. We can keep on with this story. Or… you can drive away, and that can be it.”
She holds my hand and I slowly let it go. I’d look at her but I know I’d just see what I want to see. The woman who loved me once and who still says she loves me in this moment. I’ll easily believe that until… I find reasons not to. And that’s the problem with -me-, I keep finding reasons not to believe. Like when I came home that night or when I came here only for me to later decide she didn’t really want to truly. Like all those countless times in between. Forced meetings.
A song comes online and I listen for a moment, it’s a song I know well. And probably, she can say that was me that didn’t know what I want. Probably. But she didn’t really know what she wanted either, her words say one thing but why, why do I keep finding?
This is you, this is me, this is all we need
Is it true? My faith is shaken, but I still believe
This is you, this is me, this is all we need
But I don’t believe and so I turn off the -damn- radio. “Go inside. I’m returning Hijikata-san’s car. We’ll let the girl’s have their days. And that can be it.”
I was at the end of my rope when I asked her to go ahead and write the life she wanted. I thought leaving the house would buy us time or at least give me an excuse not to keep finding things to not believe. I’m sure she’s also at the end, after all she’s giving me the choice. That’s what desperate people do and the cowards would try to put it back to the way it was, what’s comfortable. I’ve been a coward trying to hold onto this place. Our lives. It was unfair of me to put the burden on her.
I unlock the door.
I was going to meet you. But I decided against it.
I just look at him. Listening to his tone of voice.
Does he understand, then, really, why I passed on his offer? It would be akin to drugging myself with opium, eating the lotus, to live that life… just as it would be with Toudou-kun. I could have done it -all this time- and yet, here I am.
Your sister healed you, yes. You should be thankful but she didn’t give up her life for you. She wanted to follow Okita to wherever he went
She did give up. Not when I -wanted- her to, all those years ago. That she denied me. Just as she denied me comfort and aid when I was kidnapped. But, in the end, she gave me the gift when it was needed just as much as it had earlier.
Back then, after things had changed so much, all I wanted you to do was say the words and let me go. I swore to myself I wouldn’t try to change your mind and so when you did, I didn’t.
“I’m not letting you go,” I say, quietly, my hand still on his, even as his taste cools on my lips. “I make mistakes with you, Hajime. Sometimes, I treat you carelessly when I don’t… that’s not how I feel about you. Sometimes… I’m just so -scared- of the -idea- of not having your love, you by my side. I get scared and I act stupid. I’m still not used to loving someone in a way that’s become essential to my own -soul-, not after all these years – I don’t think one -can-.” I close my eyes. “That night I told you we were done, I thought I was doing what I had to do. I’ll regret that forever, because that night I didn’t fight for us.”
A song plays, one of longing and forgiveness. He listens, and then hits the stereo buttons almost -angrily-. He lives in his head so much. He’s a brilliant man, an investigator, one who sees every angle, that he can probably convince himself that I don’t love him. That he’s a terrible man. He seems to see the -worst- and can I blame him? After Yaso-san, after Tokio? After everything in his life, and then I do something that, to him, just confirms the worst of it?
Go inside. I’m returning Hijikata-san’s car. We’ll let the girl’s have their days. And that can be it.
“I’m not tired, ready to give up. If I were, I’d have taken one of the -fine- offers made to me tonight.” I wipe my eyes, which now ache. “But I need your forgiveness. I’m asking for it now, for the mistakes I’ve done. That I did it in the name of loving you doesn’t excuse it.” That’s what I heard, over and over. He’s so -angry-. I put a finger on his lips. “But… don’t just say it now. If you do… tell me later.”
“You’ve been trying to break up with me for over a year now. Before that… you broke up with me within, what, a week of us getting together? Other times… you even violated me, to try to get me to give up on you.” I look at him, my eyes sad as I put my hand on the door. “We came back from that, we changed. I became your hime…” with that I almost lose it, my voice cracking, -missing- that name – how long has it been? “We’ll never be the -same- and that’s fine. We’re supposed to change and learn, but the love… endures.”
I pull out my purse, and dig in there, and pull out two keys on a ring. “Take the car back. Perhaps she’ll be waiting for you. Or you can come back here. I want you to.” I slide the keys into his hand. But isn’t he choosing what I offered? To drive away? No… he’s still wanting to do right by the girls. He’s not done.
I reach over and hit the radio, and it plays the song I want, as I get out of the car and go out into the rain.
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel
Believe
Believe in me
Believe, believe
That life can change
That you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
Tonight
And you know you’re never sure
But you’re sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade
In your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe
Believe in me
Believe, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
Tonight
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight (Tonight)
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight (Tonight)
We’ll find a way to offer up the night (Tonight)
The indescribable moments of your life (Tonight)
The impossible is possible tonight (Tonight)
Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight
Tonight, tonight
Tonight
Tonight
(OOC – exit unless stopped)
I… have nothing more to say. We’ve changed that’s all. She can keep telling herself what she needs to believe as fine.
I take the keys not because I’d come back here but it’d just take longer if i didn’t take them.
She knows where to come back to for the girls.
I leave the car at the bar and just tell Kondou-san to thank Hijikata-san for me but I’m exhausted and needed to leave. He tells me that the Takagi girl is there still but then reminds me that Hide-chan is a nice girl. I tell him I knew that and that I won’t cause them trouble anymore, that I’m -sorry- that I did. Bowing to him I leave the place for good this time.
(Ooc Saitou exits G & S)