Hajime:
It’s harder in this city to take a woman who is passed out and not be questioned, so what did I end up doing? What else but take Hide to a teahouse that I’ve used in the past for varying reasons. Here no one will question a cop who has taken an unconcious woman to a private room. Everyone’s already made up their minds as to what’s happened and in fact, it’s a common enough scene. Well maybe not so much for a cop but they’d never dare ask a man in uniform.
I lay her down on the already made up futon and pull up the covers. The sister said she’ll not wake until morning and it’s already past twilight. All I have to do is to keep watch but still just in case, I did tell the keeper downstairs to bring some food closer to midnight in case she wakes up. They’re kind enough to actually have prepared some tea which I go ahead and drink to wet my parched lips. Leaning my back against the wall right beside the lamp, I stare at the low light. With a cigarette dangling from my lips, I pat my breast pocket for some matches and it’s then that I felt it, the strong pull of sleep. I acquiesce and abandon my cigarette, closing my eyes.
It’s not long before I’m back in this place called nowhere, where a man with no name or many names end up.
“Welcome back.” He tells me and I look up at him. How many times had we been in this position? Ah but it’s mostly I who’s looked down on him. I finally get to reach for my cigarette and light it.
“I thought you weren’t going to wake up?” I ask but he shrugs.
“I didn’t plan to. It was supposed to be the end for me.” He looks away towards a window but I know he’s only staring at darkness.
“Did she come?” I ask.
He sighs, “No.” Then he turns and grins at me. “I realized something while I waited for her.”
“What’s that?” I puff as I turn to watch him.
“That you didn’t open the door because,” his grins become wider and he tilts his head, “You knew didn’t you? That she’d give you a good place to rest?”
I nod. “Anything else?”
“You didn’t want that place. So you chose to stay here.” He grins, “You -hoped-.”
I scoff a little but it ends in a small grin.
“You still wanted to live eventhough you kept sending me out.”
“You’re the most hopeful part of me.” I tell him, “The most courageous, the one who does things believing things have a way of working out but to -your- benefit. Though that’s made you quite insensitive and demanding. Always wanting your own way. Still you had the best chance instead of me.” I take a long drag and look to the side.
“She wouldn’t accept who I was.” He tells me suddenly looking grim. “But she recognize you right away, eventhough you stopped trying.”
I look at him. That stubborn part of me that kept trying like a dog but stumbled at each step of the way. “She told me she missed you.”
“I can hardly believe that.” He shrugs. “I was probably better off bedding the other woman, much more reliable.”
Ah I know he -tried- and when the younger sister told Hide his secret… Suddenly she thought better of him. But see that wasn’t the whole truth. “Want to try? She’s in a teahouse, passed out.”
“I’ll pass.” He pouts. “I’m sure she’ll start calling me names like that Fujita.”
“But that -is- your name.” I chuckle a little.
“Stop that. You know what I mean.” He hisses.
I look down for a moment. I -do- know because everything I know, he does and vice versa. Because he is a part of me. My other half, the one who hopes, who tries, who believes in making things right even if -wrong-. He’s my younger self, brash, immature, sharp tongued and unrelenting even when he’s made a mistake. I stand up and meet him eye to eye.
“Here.” I give him my unfinished cigarette.
“I don’t want your leftovers. I’m better than that.”
“I know and that’s why we share. From now on…” I remember something I told myself a long time ago.
“What?” He takes the half cig and puffs on it. He makes a face for a minute. I know it tasted bitter.
“From now on, we’ll face this world with open eyes.”
“That’s my line.” He scoffs.
“It was -ours-.” I remind him. Because I was young once.
“What do we do with the woman?” He suddenly looks concerned.
“She’s a woman you love and I do as well.”
“I thought she was a woman -we- love?”
“Yeah that too.” Suddenly there’s a howl of wind and I look towards the window. When I turn back towards him, he’s gone.
The cigarette butt sizzles on the wooden floor and I pick it up. Going to the window I open it and the howl grows louder. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
It won’t be so easy.
I know.
I awake when I hear a knock on the shoji door. I go to the door and thank the woman who brought some green tea and some fish. Closing the door behind me, I settle the food tray at a nearby table. Checking my watch, it’s exactly midnight.
Quietly I go over to Hide. Still asleep. I kneel down for a moment and brush her hair back. It’s true what I said that I didn’t love her for her cooking and I also didn’t care about her hair. Hair can grow after all. I sigh a little and tell her quietly, “I still love you. I always have but…” I shake my head, talking to a sleeping person? What happened to facing things? I stand up and go to the window and smoke some more. I don’t think sleep will visit soon.
I’ve slept drugged, before. In my captivity in Osaka. In Glass and Steel, during all of the work done to me to save me. This is not that, nor is this the sleep I had after drinking with Todou-san, the one I was recently pulled from before landing here.
Is she really… but I know before reaching out.
I’m in a strange place, sleeping but not entirely asleep, a imprisoned in my own body, vaguely cognizant of what’s happening. I know I’m carried somewhere, carefully. Quiet voices, arranging things, while under that I hear the sounds of merriment and entertainment. Somewhere, a shamisen plays… my limbs, my eyelids are so -heavy- while they almost feel like they’re -buzzing- with an unfamiliar energy. Is this healing? Is this her work? But I know when I’m put on a futon, covers pulled up, like I would Makoto-chan when I check on her in the night.
And I know it when he drifts away, I smell the smoke. But he comes back, as there’s a knock on the door.
The smell of tea, and good, simple food.
Then… I feel his hand, brushing back my hair. My heart…. there’s something about the way he does that, how he’s always done it.
A sigh.
I still love you. I always have but…
My eyes flutter open, and my voice, rough and unsteady, gets out a single word. “But?” We’ve gone too long not talking that I’m not going to keep sleeping, no matter what this healing body wants to do. I try to get my eyes to focus, he’s not next to me anymore, but I smell cigarettes, at least.
She stirs and I look at the time. It’s much too early to wake. Her sister said morning.
So I pretend not to hear as she asks me about it. Besides I’ve not yet figured out what does come next?
I merely close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Letting the now cool wind of late fall drown out her breathing. Talk can wait until morning.
Is he asleep? Really…?
“Hajime,” I murmur, reaching a shaking hand out.
It’s cold in here. “Come to bed, my love…” I get out, before I’m pulled back into another dreamless sleep as my body continues to heal. But with all of that… when can hearts heal?
(OOC – Hide is asleep and will be until morning)
She calls for me and I think to myself, it’s probably best to close the window and actually get some sleep. So I do and lay down beside her. She’s fallen back asleep, entirely spent on that transfer that her sister insisted. But it was the right thing for her to have done, after everything. I can’t help but stare at her face a little more. The lines of her physical stress are slowly disappearing. Carefully I lift the covers up and untie the yukata the teahouse provided. I just want to see, make sure that the wound on her belly is actually gone this time. And it is.
Had she had gotten her way, Hide would’ve carried the scar as a testament of -something-, but that’s not what was needed. That was -unnecessary-. I tie back her belt in place. We can sleep now. I take a look at her right hand, there’s still some scars there but the keloids are less pronounced in only one night. It should be, it was paid off after all.
I turn back to my side of the futon and go to sleep.
Light…
It’s still grey as I come to – really come to, this time, instead of pulling against the force of what my sister gifted to me.
And the next thing I notice is my hand, the lack of numbness that I’d become used to. I lift it up, the left one, and wiggle my fingers a bit. The little one moves again, like it hadn’t since it was dislocated. The bones were not broken there, just fractured, but two days dislocated did its damage.
But not now. I’m awed at what she did. Did she carry guilt, over her role in my captivity? Even as she judged me, was willing to have me die? And now… to live, healed?
Next to me, sleeping hard, is Hajime. I have a vague memory of calling for him, as I would in any night. To come sleep next to me.
He’s turned away, and at one time, I would have just clung to his back. Not wanting to -bother- him, just waiting my turn for attention but that clinging behind him was… deeply passive-aggressive. I’m not worthy of you, of you taking time for me, but please, please, -validate- me.
So instead I pull him to lie back against the futon, and I slide down the collar of his t-shirt to investigate his shoulder. Did her magic reach him? It’s hard to know, I can’t see much of him without removing his shirt, and there’s not much light, wherever we are. It’s our time, our Japan, that much I can tell.
Unlike the last time we woke up in the grey light of a new morning, I kiss him to wake him. I know a kiss won’t fix it all, but it’s not a bad place to -start-.
I didn’t intend to but I drifted off to sleep and much heavily as I’m woken up by a kiss. Her kiss. I focus my eyes on hers and then blink away the grogginess. I pull myself to a sitting position.
“Sorry I drifted.” I look around, it’s still that time, the wee hours of the morning. “The woman should be coming soon with tea. I’m afraid the food is already cold so we’ll just order something for you when the proprietress comes.”
I look at her under the light. “How are you feeling?”
Sorry I drifted
“I had to rest, too. After all, I started my day somewhere else, passed out from drinking, brought here where you were probably trying to die again, to bury Souji and then my sister…” I hold up my hand, and wiggle the fingers for him in a way that feels so natural, and I smile a bit, first at my hand, and then him. “This feels better.” I put my hand on my side, noticing my yukata a bit in disarray, was I sleeping that roughly? “This too. Not tried the ankle yet.” I touch his shoulder. “Anything change for you?” My hand slides down, to his chest, where his heart beats under my hand. “And this?” My hand now moves up, to his face, to brush his bangs back. “Overall, how are you?”
I go back to his comment about food. I frown. “I’m hungry. Like I could eat two bowls of rice hungry,” I say. It’s a strange feeling, but this healing feels like it needs to -consume-.
She was drinking? Ah in that world and if I recall correctly with Heisuke. A good man.
to bury Souji and then my sister…”
I nod. “Don’t worry too much about her. She left here doing the right thing and she got what she wanted.” As much as Souji would allow it i suppose.
She shows me here wiggling fingers and I smile a little. After all that at least she can get well again. She inspects her side but I already did though I don’t tell her that.
“Hopefully in a week.” I say, “though maybe go to your therapy for a couple more times just to be sure?”
She touches my shoulder and asks about it. I shake my head. “But it’s fine. I’m fine.” I tell her. What’s more important was feeling the essence of their spirits once again, just as I remember and not the vengeful ones that seem to taunt me to put an end to them.
I’m hungry. Like I could eat two bowls of rice hungry,
“I’ll get you some food downstairs.” I say, “I’ll finish the tray from last night and we can eat together. Stay here.”
I leave to speak to the proprietress. The good thing about a teahouse is they never really close.
(Ooc saitou will come back on her next reply)
Don’t worry too much about her. She left here doing the right thing and she got what she wanted.
I nod. “It was… but I can’t help but feel… sad about it, no matter how thankful I am.” And the weight of not wasting her gift. “She looked so… happy, when she was doing it.” She doesn’t smile like I do, so I saw it more in her eyes.
I get a smile from him as I show off my hand.
“That’s a good idea, to follow up and make certain that it’s all good again.” He also dismisses any healing she may have granted him, but we can also both now live on without worrying about them. Even sent across the ocean, they had -reach-. But now… they’re at peace. I could feel that yesterday, as well.
Hajime goes to get breakfast, and with him gone I open my yukata and inspect my side. Smooth as it was before the bullet did it’s nasty work, and I lean over to the side, as if reaching for something, and I don’t feel the strange -pull- I had felt since then.
Then I get up. Tentatively, paying attention to how I’ve rebalanced all this time to compensate for the damage to my ankle. I put my weight on it, leaning on it a bit. Then I pace around the room, with no hitching to my stride. Just… walking. Boring, normal walking that I took for granted. She said it would take some time but this is… amazing.
I can walk the children to school. Go upstairs. Hold my baby again without Tsutomu-kun hovering like I’m about to drop her. Work in the garden, the house, and really -cook- again.
It’s a small room, but still… to really test it, all of it, I bow, and then hold my arms out to an invisible partner. A tall one who doesn’t smile much these days, but who once danced with me. Humming a waltz, I start to step and twirl, not even hearing the door slide back open.
I’m glad she didn’t protest much about just going to her therapist for a clean bill of health. I took the tray from the woman who slid the door open and then close again.
I see her dancing which means she’s able to walk right? Thats -good-. Maybe she can get a partner again. I clear my throat and put on a grin. “Breakfast is served.” I’d quip princess but that’s not where we are or maybe not where I am.
I place the tray down to a low table. Two sets of rice for her with miso soup and salmon and a bowl of rice for me and soup as well. I don’t want to waste the mackerel from last night. I pour her some tea. “Don’t overdo it.” I say, “you can test more functionality later.”
Since the fish is cold I pour the miso soup over it. That should rehydrate the dry fish meat.
I’m caught dancing and I turn and smile, and see a grin… it’s not one, coming naturally? Did he think I was dreaming with dancing with another?
Breakfast is served
“Thank you,” I say, feeling that he forgot something. My name? An endearment? I miss those. I miss him saying my name, in the way that makes my heart sing.
But my stomach rumbles… I quickly eat rice until my stomach isn’t feeling so empty, and then, slower, see to the soup and the fish. “Thank you, too, for taking me seriously about needing two bowls of rice,” I say.
He pours his soup over the fish that was already here. “Here, you should have some of my salmon,” I say as I put part of my fish on his rice – because as usual, he saved the better fish for me. “While you wait for yours to warm.”
I sit back and look at him. “I could…” I look up at the ceiling, “do what is easy for me, and we have this meal, and go home. You and I will lapse back into our old silence, and I can quietly hope that certain things – you wishing to close this world, your relationship with Aioi – are over.” I look at him, that’s not a path for me anymore – to just smile and hope that it’ll get better, magically, because I -want- a nice life. But a nice life… wasn’t really, not when it was all about avoidance.
I open my yukata, to show him my unblemished side. “Do you know why I kept this, and my other injuries from Osaka?” I tie it back closed. “For my self-centered reasons, I thought more of it being a reminder of my failures and mistakes than how it would make you feel – that maybe it would have been a reminder that I was taken, then hurt, while you couldn’t get to me. For the part of me that loves you… I thought erasing these injuries was disrespectful of the scars you have, and the blood you spilled rescuing me – not just this time, but in Ito, or the blood you spilled when I left you and you were hurt.” I touch that shoulder – that one bothers me the most. “Why do I get to live unblemished?”
While I once bravely said that I didn’t mind his scars, that I found them beautiful as it showed how strong he was – well, still… they remind me that my immortal ookami-sama is indeed a -man-, and that danger will always follow a man who pursues justice, especially one who has spilled blood in the name of that same justice.
“Thank you, too, for taking me seriously about needing two bowls of rice,”
I watch her eat. Quite the appetite… “I’m glad to be of service.” I say because I -am- glad to get her nourished. I add a tiny bow to it.
She gives me some of her salmon, claiming mine will take a bit to warm. That’s likely not true but the salmon does look passable so I go ahead and take what’s offered. After a while, after she demolished breakfast… She leans back and I’m half way through my mackarel. It’s not bad but with the miso soup it’s too salty. Next time maybe something sweet and bitter like coffee might go well with it.
“I could…” I look up at the ceiling, “do what is easy for me, and we have this meal, and go home. You and I will lapse back into our old silence, and I can quietly hope that certain things – you wishing to close this world, your relationship with Aioi – are over.”
I put down my bowl as our conversation turns to something less “safe”. I don’t say anything immediately and let her continue. And she tells me the why and therefore of the scars she decided to keep. “I knew why you kept them.” I push the half eaten bowl to the side as I’m good now. I turn to my cigarette, “But aside from those reasons, you also thought it was some symbol of the adversity that was overcome and…” I take a drag on my cigarette, “You seem to like the idea of “rescuing” me. And so it’s a symbol of the time you used yourself as my shield. It’s a nice “thought” but quite out of touch don’t you think?” Almost as far fetched as my ex-wife Tokio.
She touches my shoulder. I suppose her sister tried to do something to it but as her sister suspected, Hide and I hardly have that kind of connection anymore.
“Why do I get to live unblemished?”
“Why do you need to be otherwise?” I ask. “But if you must have a reason, the pride of a man is to be of service to his family, his community and then his country. I suppose you can sum it up to my fragile ego.” I can’t help but say the truth, regardless of how ugly it sounds.
“As for doing what’s easy. Don’t worry.” I look towards the window, to something far away, “One of my reasons to immediately close this place has been resolved by your sister.” I no longer need to go down that questionable route which would mean I can live with myself bit longer. “I’ve also had some time to think and I guess my answer simply went back again to facing things with open eyes.”
I look at her once again. I thought her healing would take at least another week and I could maybe prepare. But it seems that’s not the case. “I want to spend a couple of days with the children. And I want to, uh fix that issue I created with Yukiko and Eiji…”
I look down for a moment, ashing my cigarette on the empty cup. “I plan to move out but if you’re fine with it, i’ll visit the children most weekends as work allows.”
That’s probably the best thing to do. I can’t see myself sleeping in the other room anymore.
You seem to like the idea of “rescuing” me. And so it’s a symbol of the time you used yourself as my shield. It’s a nice “thought” but quite out of touch don’t you think?
“I was trying to save the man I love, because I’d rather die that see anything happen to you,” I say, quietly – not for glory. “Do you remember? The night you… and then I turned my tanto on myself. I asked, Why do two people who love each other so much keep giving up… in the name of the other one?” I look down at my hands. “You rescued me that night.” I scoot closer, and pick up his hand and put it to my neck, to trace where I let that scar go away. “Back then you were able to forgive me, even for -that-.”
I suppose you can sum it up to my fragile ego
His eyes go away, as he looks out the window.
Then, he still speaks of the end of us. I didn’t think that the change in him, or me, would fix things, but…
But…
I close my eyes and lean against his shoulder. “I’m -not- fine with it, with you moving out.”
I lift my head up to look at him. “And what will you do this time, behind this façade of detachment? Lose some memories again? Cut off your arm, stop your heart? You’ve been crying out and I’m -wanting- to hear you, trying to hear you, to know you, but you can only tell me that you love me when you think I’m passed out. You speak of clear eyes but you seem ready to accept -failure-.”
“I’m not. I’m still a hopeful creature, not because I’m stupid or have some savior complex. I’ve lost some of my naivete, -yes-, but that should happen. I’m surrendering this fear and doubt that kept me from being free, even if it leads to my ruin. I did it before, when I actually -hoped-.” Where’s his? Is it hiding, with that other part of him? Or did he give it up, with other things he’s given up over the years to be with me?
Then, quietly, I add. “I need you – I need that connection we had, the part that makes me -complete-. To go beyond this world, sometimes – not just to a place, but beyond this -box- of words.” I wrap an arm around his shoulder, my face in his neck. “It’s not going to be easy.” My lips against his shoulder, wishing I could share some of this healing energy that still makes me feel jumpy and wired… not to -rescue- him, but because I liked how he’d pick me up to carry me to bed… the memory of that, of a dinner left half-eaten, teasing and… just the delight of being together. Let me in let me in…
I can only shake my head as she insist on saving me because she’d rather die than have anything happen to me. But there’s no sense arguing with her on that. I’ll leave it for what it is eventhough I am perfectly able to take care of myself.
“And what will you do this time, behind this façade of detachment? Lose some memories again? Cut off your arm, stop your heart? You’ve been crying out and I’m -wanting- to hear you, trying to hear you, to know you, but you can only tell me that you love me when you think I’m passed out. You speak of clear eyes but you seem ready to accept -failure-.”
“No Hide. Nothing of the sort. Not anymore.” I sigh remembering those times, those things done just to try to stay with her even as a half man or some lesser sort. “My eyes are clear. That’s why I can’t stay. You can look at it as failure but to me it’s failure to keep staying just because we’re in denial of our situation.”
I’m surrendering this fear and doubt that kept me from being free, even if it leads to my ruin. I did it before, when I actually -hoped-.”
“Surrendering fear and doubt, shouldn’t lead to ruin.” I remind her.
“I need you – I need that connection we had, the part that makes me -complete-. To go beyond this world, sometimes – not just to a place, but beyond this -box- of words.”
“But we don’t have that connection anymore Hide.” I tug at the arm that’s wrapped around me. I know because I’ve lived waiting for it and the other part of me that I sent here kept looking for it and much to my chagrin never found it.
I pull her away from me and grin slightly, “I knew your answer would be a no. But it’s not just your choice to make.”
The cock crows and the morning light starts to stream into the room. Standing up I go to the window and see some life coming to the streets. We took so long just to try to wrap up this conversation. But I know it wasn’t her, it’s just the circumstances we found ourselves in. I don’t want to be in house where we’re just a few feet apart and yet are little more than strangers. I turn to her, “You shouldn’t worry so much, the children will hardly notice after all I’ll still be visiting most weekends.”
No Hide. Nothing of the sort. Not anymore.
He won’t… let himself die. That… is the best I’m going to get right now, isn’t it? Then he speaks of denial and failure.
Surrendering fear and doubt, shouldn’t lead to ruin.
He’s right. It shows I can’t let go, if all I see is -ruin-.
But we don’t have that connection anymore Hide
He says that, but it takes him a minute to remove my arm.
I knew your answer would be a no. But it’s not just your choice to make.
Another grin, but another one without that old confidence. I stand as he steps to look out the window, for a moment, -lost-. I’m -lost- and discarded.
“You… spoke of Yukiko-san and Eiji-san. What are your plans there?” I stand, still, trying to be pratical. I did it once, even as I was impulsive, when I ran away. “Thank you for allowing Tsutomu-kun to stay, he’s too close to graduation. Our problems shouldn’t disrupt the children’s schooling. And… I’d like to have Ai-chan’s Okuizome, before you go. She won’t remember… but she should have the blessings. And I’d like you to plan on escorting Makoto to Shichi-go-san, too.” I know he’s a good father… but that other woman isn’t going to like him going back and forth. Makoto, I know, is never going to forgive me for losing her father, and with that, Tsutomu-kun, when she’s older, but perhaps they can make a nice memory now.
I watch him as he stands there, by the window. This is how he’ll be, how he’ll think that it’s supposed to be. Distant, smoking… saying it’s for the best.
I see him in the light of dawn. So many times I slept and missed this, mostly in the early days. Had I known this would all be so fleeting, so fragile, I never would have slept. I would… would have what?
But there’s a little bit of gold in this morning light, and I see his face, illuminated. I find myself stepping forward. There’s a weird feeling in me, and I’m struck that I -want- him. In this terrible, inappropriate time, after he’s refused me, over and over, I just want one more time with him. Have I no shame? No pride?
There’s nothing left to lose. I can only ask for what I want.
I take his hand, but only briefly, before letting my hand travel up his arm, to his cheek, and then back behind his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. “I won’t say no strings because the strings are already here. But… I want one last beautiful memory with you. I know this won’t change a thing… but this may be our last time alone together.” I smile, brushing his bangs out. A real smile, not one tinged with sadness, before kissing him again. My other hand, the healed one, tugs on his arm. “Make love to me, like we used to.” We never really have been able to in so long. When I came back he was gone, by the time he was back, I had the physical limitations of pregnancy, and after… it was already falling apart.
“Hajime…” I say, sighing his name as I kiss along his neck. For all of our many failings… this, at least once upon a time, this part was -perfect-.
She gives me a look, as if she could read my mind when I told her it’s not just her choice. It is mine. But what can I do if she no longer thinks I’m the same man she knew? But we discuss practical matters. That’s what’s needed after all.
“You… spoke of Yukiko-san and Eiji-san. What are your plans there?”
“I’ll let them two decide.” I shake my head, “In truth I don’t think Yukiko will go with Eiji so… if you don’t mind, let her stay with you a bit longer?” There’s unfinished business in Akashi which I swear I’ll get to. Now I should have time instead of just waiting.
“Thank you for allowing Tsutomu-kun to stay, he’s too close to graduation. Our problems shouldn’t disrupt the children’s schooling. And… I’d like to have Ai-chan’s Okuizome, before you go. She won’t remember… but she should have the blessings. And I’d like you to plan on escorting Makoto to Shichi-go-san, too.”
“Of course I’ll be there. As I said I will visit most weekends if you’re fine with it.” And what if at some point she’s not? I suppose I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.
I want one last beautiful memory with you. I know this won’t change a thing… but this may be our last time alone together.” “Make love to me, like we used to.”
For all our talk about practicalities, suddenly I found myself in a kiss with the woman who used to stir things within me. She still does. Always have. It’s been so long and the last time we did, I swore never again would I force this woman. But I’m not forcing her this time am I? She won’t regret it later would she? She may regret it.
“Hajime…”
That’s my name. She hasn’t said it that way in a long time. But this time I can’t help but respond by taking her to the futon, “Remember Hide. I still love you. But this is all it can ever be.” Because what else is left for us? I’ve always loved her but that’s never been enough. I start to untie her borrowed yukata while my other hand carresses her hair.
In truth I don’t think Yukiko will go with Eiji so… if you don’t mind, let her stay with you a bit longer?
“She can stay as long as she wishes, I like having her help, but I really like her company.” Which I take for granted. Copying my mother’s hands-off policy was probably best for -my- personality, but Yamaguchis have to be induced to talk, even more so when they need it. “Eiji-san can also stay,” I don’t add that he would be, as well.
“You’re a good father. You don’t have to limit yourself to weekends, if you have time or miss them.” He needs to take the time with them in case he decides to move on.
I kiss him. I tell him what I want, what I’m needing now, and… he doesn’t reject me. I look up at him. Once I would have worried that later he’ll regret this. But I can’t protect his feelings, I never could and it was wrong… so I can only take him for what he does in this moment.
I’m taken over to the futon.
Remember Hide. I still love you. But this is all it can ever be.
“I still love you,” I say, pulling him down to me in response.
My yukata is untied, and I pull his shirt out of his pants, running my hands up his bare back as I kiss him, long, deep kisses, my lips moving back to his neck as I feel his hands in my hair. I bite his neck, lightly, and then more insistently. To feel his hands on me again, I feel my skin tingling, my body stirring. I didn’t think I’d want this again, feeling shamed and hurt and -confused- after the last time. But this feels like it should, when I just -wanted- him.
I’m invited for more time with the children. I’ll spend the time with them as much as possible. But I know the limitations now, even now in this moment as I have her in bed.
“I still love you,”
I simply kiss her back. Stopping her from saying more. I knew she loved me, there’s a part of her that truly did. And it’s not her fault, I understand that now so I only take from her what’s given, what the moment and this place allows.
Her fingers on my skin, her lips on my neck. My hands roaming her body, it knew her curves well and now it is smooth just like before. I pull back the yukata from her shoulders and kiss her bare skin and trail kisses down her chest, her breast that was mine. I can’t help but suckle on it like before but this time it brings forth no milk, I almost wish it did because it would mean there’s still something in her that was mine. Replacing my lips with my hands I squeeze her the mounds of flesh a bit that fits perfectly in my hand.
After that I look over her body with my eyes and then stroke her waist with my hands as it goes down lower to fondle her thighs. I look at her hips, she’s always had such good hips. Excellent for child bearing. I swallow, I’m wanting to seed her again.
I feel -fire- that I’ve not felt in so long as his hands seem to be everywhere at once. I make a sound that’s something between a whimper and a moan, one that expresses approval and asks for more. My breasts… they’re dry now, as I’ve successfully weaned Ai-chan but they’re still full and my nipples are already hard before he gets there, and finds them with his lips and tongue, suckling… I arch my back, pressing into his mouth, my hands restless in his dark hair.
And then it’s just his -eyes- on me and it’s more than his hands, the look of appreciation and lust. My waist, free from the injury my sister healed, but still bearing the marks of motherhood, but he’s never minded those.
I see something in his face, he swallows. My words, of reassurance, that my body hasn’t yet fully transitioned from nursing and I won’t get pregnant, aren’t what are needed, even though… how I love carrying his children. I instead sit up, and pull his shirt over his head. “You know I like to feel your skin,” I say, taking him in, in appreciation of what I see. Those scars… but he’s still warm flesh and hot blood and that’s what I want right now, as I explore the places I know well but have been too long absent from. Those shoulders… down the front, and I lean over and kiss the places my hands have been, and want to go. Without a baby or injury I can move easily, quickly, to taste and tease him, going from his navel to his nipples, using my teeth lightly as I go. My hands then pull him back as I lie back down. I tug then on the fly of his pants. “This skin, too.” I unbutton him to touch him, where he’s already warm and hard. I grin a bit, looking in his eyes.
She takes off my shirt and as she explores my torso and my chest, I can squeeze and rub her back encouraging her. She pulls me back down, unzipping my pants as I tower over her. She grins and I grin back a bit as I look in between us where she has my hot member in her hands. I finish the job and remove my pants with one hand. Not sure how i managed to do that in this position but it worked. Leaning back down, I take those lips fully. My tongue invading her mouth. I reach down to where her hand is and place my hand on top of hers, guiding her in a motion she already knows. Up and down my shaft. It feels good of course.
Out of breath, I break the kiss and we lock eyes for a moment. “I want to taste you.” I say suddenly and remove her hand on me as I lift both her legs and sling them over my shoulder and my face squarely in between her legs. I dive in, my tongue going straight for her netherlips. Licking and sucking that very soft but now slick skin. The tip of my tongue flicks against her engorged bud and it starts rewarding me with her sweet nectar. I drink. It’s a different kind of taste from her breast but I’ve always liked it.
With one hand pulling on her stomach, to allow myself deeper access into her, my free hand reaches up to her right breast and fondles her again. I’m like a starved man, I suddenly think to myself.
We exchange grins and I’m also amazed at how he strips, and I enjoy the sight of him. He’s not always fully unclothed recently, but I don’t get much time to admire what I see before he takes me in a kiss, our tongues dancing, hot, heavy kisses as he shows me what he wants. I know it too, he’s so hard… I slide my hand up and down, knowing that he’s enjoying it, even if he doesn’t show it… so I increase my pressure and speed, enjoying how he reacts…
I want to taste you
My heart beats so hard at those words it’s a wonder that he can’t hear it… he moves so fast yet it feels like forever as he positions me and ah….
I part my legs to let him… remembering the first time he did this, in the kitchen. His lips and tongue on my most intimate of places… the way it seems as if he’s drinking me, the way a man in a desert does upon finding an oasis. Moans escape my lips as my hips move slightly against him, my hand on his shoulders as he touches my breast.
I close my eyes. This feeling… with him… “Hajime…” I moan… “I want you,” I get out… I just need to -feel- him, to go to that place we take each other.
I feel her part her legs in the middle of my tasting her. I cajole her sex to give me more of what I want. That liquid that’s an honest testament to her body’s desire. Her body and mine can be true to each other even if our actions and feelings betrays us most days.
“Hajime…” “I want you,”
She moans and barely gets that out. I could keep going but I can feel her thighs quiver and I’ve tortured her enough. Pulling myself up, I enter her slick wetness missionary style and dig my arms into the bed for support as I slide into her without much resistence. My mouth opens to let out the breath I’ve been holding and I close my eyes for a moment just feeling our connectedness.
Opening them once more I look down at the woman whose body I’m seeding but would likely not bear any fruit. I remember of course what was said, that it takes something special but we don’t have that. I start a slow rocking motion against her, deliberate in pace. I keep going while watching her face and I can’t help but cup her cheek into my right palm. She did say it maybe our last. But when I’m this far I could never turn back. If only back then, we did. But here we are, only able to do -this- because we’re not who we didn’t want in each other. I blink for a moment and tear my gaze away and this time, pay attention to what she wanted. To “make love” to her.
He drinks and drinks and drives me mad with it, but my desire for him, entwined and even -fused- with all of the other feelings, drives my body to react, openly, freely. And so my passion pours out, like a river, at his cajoling.
I groan as he enters me, and I feel his breath, heavy, as he exhales. I close my eyes for a moment, but open them again to watch this face as he fills me up, marveling at how in this way, we seem to fit perfectly, even as my body changes from bearing his children. For a moment I indulge in the fantasy of that happening again, feeling his hands over my full belly, tasting my milk…
Then he starts to move, and then I too, matching his rhythm, when the pace is still slow, as each movement is something to savor. His hand on my cheek… it’s always that tenderness in the ferocity of this act that moves me -so- as I look up at him. My eyes meeting his, feeling so close to him, as if I can see him for the first time in so long… I close my eyes again, at the edge of being overwhelmed
I reach out to pull him close to me, craving closeness, as much skin, now getting slick with sweat, at can be pressed against skin. If this is the last time he’ll want me, I want to feel him, and for him to… and I claim his lips in a kiss, one both playful and passionate, and I grin a bit as it ends, kissing the tip of his nose, before, greedy, I start to lick the sweat off of his neck, while clenching my inner muscles to give him that squeeze he enjoys, as I do as well, as if I’m wound around him at the point of our joining.
This is my love made solid, in flesh and intent, in something I can touch… and I feel his. I brush his bangs back, murmuring his name as we move faster.
Eventhough I will myself to look away somehow our eyes keep meeting. She closes her eyes and I wonder, what is it that she’s thinking? I know we both like the act, our bodies melding while at the same time we move together but do we want more? She closes her eyes and pulls me close and I can feel the sweat between us mixing. Haggard breaths that made others look down on us is the only sound that feels the room except for our flesh meeting, pounding into each other.
She kisses me and I kiss her back, starting to get lost in the act of making love to her. But she grins and steals a kiss on my nose but I’m too lost into the act that I can only keep going and going, pummeling her as I start to lose my breath and yet I feel her -squeeze- me. Over and over again as I hear her whispering my name.
I tell her I love her. It’s trite. Something borne out of the moment as I spill into her again. Seeding her over and over. I want to leave her with something, though that’s probably not what’s needed. I bury my head into the crook of her neck as the last of the tremors subside and along with my strength.
She wanted to make love? I guess this was the best an old dog can do. I let myself go limp inside her and wrap her in my arms, indulging in the moment. I know this time and place will be taken away soon. We’ll go back to the house, back to what we were, near strangers.
It’s so many things, all at once. It always once was. I thought I knew what this was – something to be endured, shameful to want, but he made it something new I never expected. I thought it would be a little scary and very awkward, but from that first kiss… I was awoken into a new world, where I could -bloom-.
Moving, as if we can’t get enough. I’m overwhelmed with love, the love I can’t say or seem to do the right thing about, but now, in each touch, it comes out, so naturally, like it did so long ago, like how a flower knows how to unfurl each petal and leaf. And yes, joy, joy like I’ve not felt in so long… joy that sometimes feels out of tempo for the moment, but I can’t hold it in. I’m healed and I have him in my arms, this precious man. I want him to -feel- it too… just as I feel the muscles in his back as my hands roam across it, down to his bottom as I move and arch and angle to take him in, deeper and deeper at each thrust, as if I could -consume- him.
It’s when… he says he loves me, and he hits his moment, surging within me, filling me… I hold on, tight, as I shudder, unable to hold back, crying out his name, and that I love him too. In this time, in this moment, there can be nothing hidden, nothing secret, in this sharing of each other, the joining of two as if one. I hold him close as it crashes within me, so intense that I’m gasping and panting and holding onto the one thing that is the center of this chaos, feeling his warmth, his seed, his gift.
We drift back, and Hajime keeps his arms around me, staying within me and I hold him back. This, too, will be fleeting. But even with a healed body he demands so much and I can only give all that I am…. as it so often did, this leaves me limp and languid, and it’s all I can do to give him one more kiss. After all… in this, I’m not afraid to ask for what I need, and claim what is mine.
I know I told him that this wouldn’t change a thing, but my hopeful heart is a traitor… “Stay…” I murmur. Time will always move. But sometimes, we could slow it down. I close my eyes and snuggle against him, pulling up the covers. Middle aged people like us need some recovery, and it’s early yet.
(OOC – you may close)
“Stay…”
I hear her whisper. Was it for now or for the other times?
The covers are pulled and she curls into my chest and I slide myself out from inside her and bury my nose in her hair. I liked smelling her hair whenever we slept. I’m not sure what it was but I do know the scent leaves me calmer but she doesn’t know that.
I lightly play with a strand of her hair as she sleeps. She was mine for a moment and I was hers, at least until we leave this teahouse.
(OOC End)