Saitou:
When we get back to Tokyo, I had the carriage stop at the office and instructed Hide’s shadow to stay put in the carriage. I didn’t want anyone to see this shell of a woman if all I’m doing is to leave the boxes in my office. After securing the boxes I’m told by one of the clerks that Howard has been looking for me. Didn’t Kawaji tell him I was on vacation?
Some vacation that was…
“If he comes again, tell him I’m on a field mission and won’t be back for a few weeks. However, I’ll send for him once my mission is done.”
Which is likely never.
The clerk doesn’t give any pushback and goes back to his post. I think about informing Kawaji about what I’m planning to do but perhaps later. When my mind is clearer. Immediately I go back to where her shadow is.
“When we get to the house. If your objective is to be of use to me, then don’t make trouble in the house and be -kind- and good stewards to the children. If I hear otherwise I will -banish- you, even if you are or are not part of her.”
She can answer or not. I don’t really care but since she’s not totally been true to her word, I need to take precautions.
It’s then that I’m gripped again with pains in my chest and losing my wind, pass out.
(OOC: The shadow doesn’t have to do anything if she doesn’t want to. Once they arrive the driver himself will check in on his passengers.)
He issues orders and she nods, understanding her objective. The “kind” part, that he said it so is a bit confusing but that part isn’t important. Children, pets, plants… it’s all the same. Keep them alive, follow orders. She remembered last time the boy didn’t like her cooking and the girl seemed to shy away from her, but it’s not important to be liked. The failure spoiled them anyway. It’s best they all look to be ready for a future without the -coddling-.
She also takes no threat from his banish statement. He doesn’t want the failure back. She’d only get in his way, and the shadow feels secure that he now understands her value. She is obedient.
Then… he slumps over in his seat. Her eyes widen as she realizes that… has he fallen ill?
This is not what she’s for! He can die -later- when it’s all -done- and she was willing to cry prettily outside his funeral, like a good mistress. But falling ill now, with so much work he has left to do?
Words come to her… vows the failure wished to make… better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.. But that’s not her vow! Her purpose, her creation, was to be the obedient servant for a man who wanted to close a world of chaos in order!
She closes her eyes, and reaches out, searching… the failure is not where she was left, and instead… is in the bed of another man? That that man in sleeping on a sofa in another room is immaterial; at another time, she would have taken some remote enjoyment from it.
“He’s ill; come fix him,” she says to the failure, waking her up, pulling her into the void between places, breaking the ways she had tied her to the distant land of “glass and steel”.
The failure looks at her, confused. Bewildered.
“What did you -do- to him?”
The shadow furrows her brow. “Come back and fix him, your… nursing nonsense. He cannot die now, before he has completed his story.”
“He cannot die -period-, shadow.” There’s rebuke in her tone, as the failure just looks at her, -coldly-. “And then what? Back to exile?”
But as always, the failure makes herself -too- obvious. She’d come either way, just to -save- him. Fool! They both wear their weaknesses so -openly-. But he’s not the failure, just tainted by her and now she can fix his body, at least.
“No tricks, just handle this.” She grabs the hand of the failure and pulls her back. “Remember, I’m right behind you.”
(Hide)
I’m disoriented when I’m in a carriage, and he’s slumped over and… what happened what happened while I was drinking and lamenting with Todou-san how was I ever so weak to let this happen oh god oh god…
I bang on the side of the carriage. “Driver! Please take us to the Kobayashi clinic, please.” I call out.
I return my attention to Hajime, my problems… I reach down and check his vitals. Pulse weak. Breathing light. “Come on, you stubborn man, -live-,” I plead. “Just -live-, please.”
Despite what the shadow thinks, I don’t have great medical abilities – yes, training, but -this- is not a normal failure of the heart. I know enough to know that, in a way that Misao-san with her powders or the police doctor with his torture did not.
So I lean down, holding him upright as I can with all of my strength. And I kiss him. Can I reach his heart?
Hajime:
I look down at him. This time I didn’t drag him back. Was he returning on his own volition? The last time he left here, he was still spouting off doing the right thing and that he didn’t care about being rejected and that -I- was the weak one. Choosing to stay here.
I shake him lightly at first but he’s not responding. “Is this the length of your so-called “resolve”? You fool.”
I try one more time and slap him even but he’s out cold. Like he had no life in him. And I wonder did he finally give up, after all that, he’s finally done? I -saw- everything from the first time he stepped into -our- world. That he kept coming back there annoyed me but astounded me at the same time. There was no reason for him to keep going back to that one who thought he wasn’t good enough, not complete enough, and so rejected him over and over. One who didn’t desire him so. I even made fun of him for that first night and like a child he said it didn’t matter and went to the other one but couldn’t really find comfort because he was all talk and hardly any -action-. And I’m the coward?
Should I… Try to give him what he wants? He always spouted that “orderly closure of this space” but he was a liar. He dragged his feet. His mouth saying one thing his actions saying another. He was like her in a way.
“Come on, you stubborn man, -live-,” “Just -live-, please.”
Are you still alive fool? She calls for you now.
-I- don’t want to be the one to go out there. I never did enough. Didn’t desire her enough nor love her enough. Besides, in time I came to loath time we didn’t spend because everyone else was in the way. There was never anytime left for us but she didn’t care about that. I -know- because I spent time elsewhere, with another and it didn’t matter.
But there she goes kissing him, expecting some miracle. He never could resist her but she never gave in. Too bad.
I look at him again. Is he really not going to stir? Was this the quick end that he had always denied but now is -here-?
Driver:
“Driver! Please take us to the Kobayashi clinic, please.”
There’s a banging and I’m asked to divert. The clinic?
“Is everything alright?” I shout towards the back and take the detour the lady asks. We ride quickly.
There’s no reaction, just still -barely- breathing, his heart no stronger. Is he really? Would he?
“Please… I -know- some part of you can hear me, please, come back. Come back for your justice, come back for our family, come back for -me-“, I say, brushing his hair back, gently, as if we were in the old days, lolling in the garden, instead of me pleading for his life. “You’ve fought death -every other- time,
“You’re the best part of living, you were my -world-. I wanted you so much, every moment of every day… but loving someone is so scary, I worried so much about losing you than enjoying what we had.” I hold him close, as if I could will his heart to beat normally. Knowing the second that he opens his eyes I could be thrown back away again by the shadow, or if it goes the other way… but he has to live. He cannot die. He means too much to too many.
“I love you. Please, open your eyes. -Live-, and live for me, with me.” I kiss him again, and whisper into his lips, “I love you.”
Is everything alright?
“Stomach complaint,” I call back, seeing that he’s going towards the clinic and not that secret hospital. Yaso-san please, I beg, don’t call for him yet. Let us have a little longer, so that when you see him again… he’ll be coming from the potential you gave him up for. Not like this.
“Please… I -know- some part of you can hear me, please, come back. Come back for your justice, come back for our family, come back for -me-“,
“Wake up fool!” I kick him on the shins but he doesn’t move. “Isn’t this what you wanted? She wants you back!” I growl and throw the butt of my cigarette at him. It burns his arm and -nothing-.
You’re the best part of living, you were my -world-.
And you were mine…
I swallow and stare down at him.
“It was the same with you, isn’t it fool? So what are you going to do?”
But he doesn’t move. Like he’s actually dead. Are you ahou?
I love you. Please, open your eyes. -Live-, and live for me, with me.
It can’t be helped. It will only be for a little while. Until he wakes up again to do what he must.
“You’ll owe me. And you already know not to open the door.” I look at him one more time. Will he regret not being the one. He wanted her after all.
“I love you.”
Her voice is real and the light from the window is bright. I watch as she leaves my lips and calls out to the driver. My chest is still tight and I take in a long breath, resting my head against the back of the chair. I’m here for now.
“Tell the driver to turn back. They’ll worry if we don’t get back soon.”
(Shadow)
She watches the failure struggle (as usual) to do anything. But he’s not doing anything, despite all she says… doesn’t she know medical things? No, she’s kissing on him…. ugh… but that’s why he’s weak to her…
But his eyes open, and she’s surprised.
And something… has changed.
It’s not her time. But it will be. “I’m still watching,” she tells the failure. But now… she can sleep. This is none of her concern, even though the work has to be done.
But he’ll be calling for her, soon enough.
(OOC – exit shadow, for now)
(Hide)
After I call out to the driver, I hear… I look at the man in my arms, leaning back, but it’s not the dead weight of… he’s leaning back into the carriage seat.
His eyes are open.
There’s something beautiful about them, like a sunrise after a week of rain, that makes me catch my breath.
Tell the driver to turn back. They’ll worry if we don’t get back soon.
“Kobayashi Clinic!” The driver calls out.
I look at him, he’s breathing and his color is coming back…. two fingers test his pulse on his neck, then I brush his bangs back, again, his eyes are so compelling and I’m so drawn… I smile softly. “I won’t make you go to the doctor, but let’s get out for a bit – there’s a place next to the clinic.” I say. “Did you tell them a day? Yukiko-san and Eiji-san have it handled… I miss the children but I don’t want to miss this time with you.” After all, she slept the train ride away… but I know she’s watching, waiting. I may not have long -at all-.
It’s too late. This ever trusty driver and his steed brings us to the clinic faster than I can leave from here…
“I won’t make you go to the doctor, but let’s get out for a bit – there’s a place next to the clinic.” “Did you tell them a day? Yukiko-san and Eiji-san have it handled… I miss the children but I don’t want to miss this time with you.
“I didn’t tell them a day.” Was all I could say. She checks my pulse and my eyes and I shake my head. “I’m fine just a bout of dizziness.” We stayed up all night at the train station wanting to get a ride and we did the following morning. Well I stayed up and she mostly slept.
It’s then that I remember what I saw here. The shadow that she allowed to take over. “So you want to play a role again? It’s fine for you to go back. I can handle it.” Unlike him who can’t handle her shadow, I can.
I didn’t tell them a day
That’s good, at least. He then dismisses his latest slide into near-death… dizziness? I’m not some genius doctor, but I know someone slipping away.
So you want to play a role again? It’s fine for you to go back. I can handle it.
I think of Todou-san, his kindness. It would be easy there… and dishonest, when I could never return what he may offer me. “It wasn’t my choice to leave – but it was my fault, for not defending myself better against the shadow. And truthfully… if we’re ending I don’t want to miss a moment, and not run away.” I touch his cheek. “But you… I don’t think there’s a doctor that can help you right now. You were trying to go again… is that what you truly want? To sleep again…. but forever?” I can’t help the tremble in my voice as I ask the question.
And then I can’t stop it but I kiss him again. Not to convince him one way or another. A kiss can’t do that, can it? Make someone want to live? I could live to kiss him, because I just simply -want- to. For all of the reasons that kisses can be given.
Not her choice? How can that be? She was -tired-. I’m -sure- she wanted to be free from him, from me.
“But you… I don’t think there’s a doctor that can help you right now. You were trying to go again… is that what you truly want? To sleep again…. but forever?”
“I don’t care about having a doctor but if I’m useful to the government. Why not?” I furrow my brow. “Trying to go?” She means that fool who’s given up, wanting her. And now here I am again, standing in for him. Will he wake up? She didn’t want him as he was. As for me. I’ve given up much earlier but I’ll play along.
She kisses me but I hardly kiss her back. Unlike him who hung at her every kiss and desired much more from her, I… I don’t know why I’m here. He at least had a mission, to rid this place of those those who may disturb their peace and rob their future. He could at least give her an orderly closure. What can a stand in like me do? Even if I spent more time with her than he ever did.
Breaking the kiss, I open the door of the carriage.
“Where was it that you wanted to go?” I say looking around. It’s the afternoon already.
I don’t care about having a doctor but if I’m useful to the government. Why not?
He’s never liked going to a doctor but this is different. “Well, the last time a doctor came for you, you were experimented on,” I say, looking at his neck, where the little cuts were… “I doubt that Kobayashi-sensei has the same impulses… but, my love…” I rest my hand on his chest, “that you went out and came back so quickly…”
And then I look up at him. I knew it when I saw those eyes. These eyes… aren’t as good at hiding. And I know… even if I don’t know his soul enough, I know the beating of his heart.
“Yes, go. To sleep again… ” and I tried to say, or something more lasting, but I -can’t- – like I told the shadow, he cannot die. Not because he’s an immortal wolf or any of -that-… but because a man who has been through this many life or death situations has no right being brought down by the stupidest of women.
And what I was thinking…. is confirmed with the kiss.
He opens the carriage door. “Walk this way,” I say, taking his hand.
The weather here hasn’t turned yet, and it’s bright and clear. Next to the clinic is the abandonded tea garden. “There, I went after encountering Kano, to catch my breath. And it turns out…. you were shadowing one of us the entire time,” I say, shaking my head. “And had I not gone here, I would have seen you enter the clinic, to look for me.” I look over at him. “Ah, I remember then, missing you so, after all those years…”
Hajime:
“that you went out and came back so quickly…”
I look at her. I didn’t come back for her. I just felt bad for him who tried harder than I did. “Means that there’s nothing wrong.” I say.
“Yes, go. To sleep again… ”
He’s certainly doing a good job at that. Hopefully it is not too long.
She gets off the carriage and takes my hand and I don’t give much resistance. We get to a small tea garden and she tells me about that time we missed each other after being separated for so long.
“And had I not gone here, I would have seen you enter the clinic, to look for me.” “Ah, I remember then, missing you so, after all those years…”
I meet her eyes. “If you found safety here then it served its purpose.” I reach for a cigarette and find one in my breast pocket. He liked putting it there thinking she’d one day reach inside. I light it up. All the dumb things he did.
Means that there’s nothing wrong
I look back at him, raising my eyebrows a bit.
He’s so… passive as I lead him around. I’m so used to the other part of him I’ve been with…
His eyes meet mine, after I tell him about this place.
“When you called for me… it wasn’t what the shadow thinks it was – lust.” I lean down to pick a leaf off of the floor, “but it wasn’t for a woman who was so busy making speeches about love that she forgot too often to actually -love.” I go back to him. “I should have listened more.” I go back to him, resting my head against his chest, my arms around his waist. To hear the beating of a heart. Oh, this dear heart of his… why do you keep giving up?
“Tell me, when a man faces life and death… what makes him turn back to life, over and over again?”
He’s still quiet and once I would have dismissed that as something I had to wait for, the things beyond here. That I shouldn’t push, shouldn’t complain… and in bending over to please the writer (perhaps, who -ever- knows?), did I leave Hajime feeling overlooked?
“Come on. I know you’re the quieter one… but you’re still a part of this,” I say, leaning up to kiss him softly. I may wait… but perhaps not so silently?
I just watch quietly as she picks that leaf from the floor and tells me about the reasons why she came back here. To lust? To love? To listen? But I don’t even remember anymore why we’re still here or I ever came back to here in the first place.
She goes near and rests her head on my chest. Why does she keep doing that?
“Tell me, when a man faces life and death… what makes him turn back to life, over and over again?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I came back here as a stop gap. Until that stubborn fool wakes up. So I don’t answer her question. And I remain quiet, maybe we can stay this way. Not moving forward or whatever it maybe.
But after a long while, she insist.
“Come on. I know you’re the quieter one… but you’re still a part of this,”
Am I? I’m just here for…? I sigh a little.
“Why does a man face life and death? He cannot choose life if he doesn’t have a reason to live. But he can easily choose death for a noble cause.” I move away slightly and sit down on the bench and puff on my cigarette instead, “You’ve been around men who straddled life and death, what do you think their reasons were?”
A rhetoric question of course. Those men all died. Well not all but -most-.
He remains quiet, so quiet, compared to recently.
You’ve been around men who straddled life and death, what do you think their reasons were?
I’m quiet for a long moment. “It’s easy to say a cause, but we saw enough fall who valued that the most. Friends, their comraderies? The same. Even love, or family? That… didn’t keep Kondou-san alive.” I smile a bit, sadly. So many lost. “I suppose some can keep going, but I think to keep on…”
“Even back then, things changed. Missions morphed, allies dropped off and alliances changed. Guns and other Western arms introduced that changed the tactics samurai used for hundreds of years. I think to live on… speaks of yes, things to strive for – justice, love… but also… to live for something means that life has meaning, after it’s all over.”
I look up at him. “A willingness to see the world, unblinking, and adapt, being stubborn… yet surrendering.” I touch the arm of his jacket, where most men would place the decoration of their ranks. “To see a world changing, and still stay true to who you are…” I look down, as I stand next to where he sits. “It’s easy to despair, that it’s too hard, that it’s too much. To do otherwise… to keep going through defeat after defeat, in war and love…” I touch his face, my fingertips grazing his cheekbone. “It asks a lot, doesn’t it?” I came back to a changed world, in a way. I refused to adapt, looking for our easy old ways, but it was that easiness that lacked a drive. We could kiss and sleep, but he would remain married, our children unborn, our enemies lurking…
I sit down on his lap. “You and him and all of that in you has to come to some sort of… path. The face you’ve had lately just wanted it wrapped up, quickly, even if it was brusque to others, but wasn’t -really- ready. I knew when he kissed me back but refused my offers for more. And now this face… won’t even talk to me.” I touch his bangs. “Who knew that I’d miss arguing with your more stubborn side?”
I wrap my arms around him. “Come home to me. I won’t make promises that you don’t believe in. Come home to me, when you’re tired and grumpy; come home when you’re content or when you have blood on your hands or need to be healed or are bringing me flowers. Come home… I can’t promise that I’ll never fall asleep waiting, but the light will be on for you. We can’t rewind…” I look down at my hand, but that will always remind… “Some things we’ll have to live with -”
Then there’s a voice, coming from the other side of the tea garden. “I can heal her.”
I turn my head. It’s… her, my sister, carrying a white-wrapped box that can be only one thing. “Come help me set him in his right place, and then… I will heal her, Saitou-san.” She smiles a bit, and I can see how tired she looks, since the last time. “It’s the least I can do.”
I think to live on… speaks of yes, things to strive for – justice, love… but also… to live for something means that life has meaning, after it’s all over.” To see a world changing, and still stay true to who you are…
“Your views are certainly…” I look for a word but the only one that came to mind was what I told Kawaji that morning many years ago, “lofty.”
I knew when he kissed me back but refused my offers for more. And now this face… won’t even talk to me.” I touch his bangs. “Who knew that I’d miss arguing with your more stubborn side?”
“You didn’t offer more.” That I can tell her truthfully. He could never have refused her if she did but I know she thought she could lure him, which he refused. That was one thing he and I differed on. As she believed I couldn’t desire her, he did but not on her terms. As for missing him, I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that but to buy time so I don’t say anything.
And she beckons me to come home to her as she’s sitting on my lap. I came home to her back then but it wasn’t what I expected and he kept coming “home” to that house but I guess he’s not any better than I. And again she talks about rewinding and living with what came to be and I have nothing to say about that. So once again I’m left turning back to my cigarette.
I can heal her.”
I turn as I know that voice. She has a box and it’s then I remembered the letter that was left on my desk. I’m not surprised but it’s still not what I had hoped. Sliding Hide off my lap, I leave her to settle on the bench. I threw my barely used cigarette and go over to the older sister and take the box from her.
“I’m sorry.” I bow to the older sister. “I was informed of his passing however I’ve not had time to tell Hide.”
(Sister)
I watched my sister fail again. Another speech, more “misremembering” her own actions, and empty promises.
Again.
No matter how he presents himself, she misses the point. It must be exhausting for him. It’s then I step in and reveal myself. He can’t get her off of his lap fast enough, I notice.
I’m sorry. I was informed of his passing however I’ve not had time to tell Hide.
“He told me, boarding the boat, that he went along with this to keep me and her from further distress but that he didn’t ever intend to die on foreign soil.” I smile a bit. “Our ship was hugging the coast, due to strong winds, and… well, it was only a couple of days at sea, and… well, it finally happened.” I look away. “I got to hold his hand this time, and he smiled, at the end. I think he was relieved.”
I let him carry the box. “Come with me then, the both of you.” I walk forward, it’s not too far to his once and future grave. “He asked to be put back here.” Is my sister keeping up? I take Saitou-san’s arm.
“As I said, her body can be healed. Not her mind. Her stubborn mistakes, her foolish ways.” I look straight ahead. “I can help you, with that shoulder, but I suppose you’re more like Okita-san than I had figured. Ready to give up on life.” I glance over at him. What a waste. “He had a good excuse – he never asked to live again. But you lived all this time, and that can’t be by accident.” I can’t help but sigh. I always thought -well- of him. Even if he loved her and that was his reason for showing me regard, at least I was shown something.
We arrive. “I’ve never come here, but I heard you once brought my sister here on a date?” I look back at her, she’s caught up.
“He told me, boarding the boat, that he went along with this to keep me and her from further distress but that he didn’t ever intend to die on foreign soil.”
He could’ve said his wishes but would I have allowed it? Knowing what had happened, probably not. Not in this place. I firmly believed they could’ve found their own space to live their lives but it’s a moot point now.
“I got to hold his hand this time, and he smiled, at the end. I think he was relieved.”
“Then I’m glad for you two.”
She asks us to go follow her and I throw Hide a glance. We can say goodbye to him even if we did not part as friends. They say in death, there are no friends nor foes. Indeed when I kill, once they’re a corpse at my feet, they stopped being enemies however I don’t have the luxury of thinking about that nor providing them of burials. The last one I killed I merely left his body to rot in a tunnel and his head I kicked off a raft to his unceremonious end. The blood on my hands will remain long after I’m gone.
The older sister takes my arm which surprised me.
“As I said, her body can be healed. Not her mind. Her stubborn mistakes, her foolish ways.” “I can help you, with that shoulder, but I suppose you’re more like Okita-san than I had figured. Ready to give up on life.”
“It’s been said that mistakes and foolishness can be put to right, if the foolish person cared enough or at least was motivated enough.” I don’t know what would move Hide but I do know what didn’t move her.
“At this point, if you can heal her then it would be one less thing to weigh her down. And though I hate to admit it, I less thing to remind me of my failures.” Because that was part of it, my inability to magically appear during her captivity and though we tried to get her care in the end I realized she would never get well – not with just the ways of this place.
“And don’t worry about my shoulder – I’m not at all like Okita. Now I’ll let you have the claim that what you and Okita had was better than what Hide and I had.” The one who sent them off, argued with this older sister in the kitchen even – refusing his love to be bested is not here after all. I’ll make the concession for him.
I’ve never come here, but I heard you once brought my sister here on a date?”
I look around and it’s a familiar place that I’ve not been in for -years-. Stepping back I return to the older sister, Okita’s remains.
She asks about a date and I’d tell her, it was because Hide wanted to come here. To prove a point or to make one to me. I simply glance back at Hide for a moment and reply back to the older sister, “I brought her here. Years ago. It’s a good place to rest.”
(Hide)
She takes his arm so easily, with an air of possessiveness – a -look- back to me, before they talk about me like a wayward child and I’m… angry. When I shouldn’t begrudge her turning to a friend in morning, when I feel guilty at not really feeling sad about Souji…
It’s been said that mistakes and foolishness can be put to right, if the foolish person cared enough or at least was motivated enough.
Is desperation the same as care, or motivation? What has been driving me? I’m self-centered, as Aioi-san said. Yet I’m a saint, but the way he says it, it’s not actual saintliness – it’s the act of it. Looking away when he went to another woman… a real saint wouldn’t just close her eyes and smile.
Now I’ll let you have the claim that what you and Okita had was better than what Hide and I had
“There’s something to be said for being content, Saitou-san. We didn’t fight – not because we avoided it, but because I suppose he didn’t have much to fight for,” I hear a bit of sigh in her voice. “But we never claimed to be a love that changed a world, either.” She smiles up at him as I seethe, “I’m glad you understand that, now.”
At Souji’s grave, Hajime looks back at me as they discuss the time him and I came here. Did I bring him here to make a point? Probably. I thought that I’d “cure” him of his jealousy, his… insecurity? It didn’t work. It didn’t need to be cured, did it?
She takes the box from him, and rests her forehead against its top as she kneels in front of the stone. “Rest now,” she says, in a whisper, and I watch tears fall down her cheeks, and I take a step forward, to put my hand on her shoulder. Then, she places the box on the stone and it… fades into it. To the place where it was said to be, and she’s quiet, with her head down for a long moment, as the wind moves dry leaves around the temple grounds.
Goodbye, Souji
Then my sister stands, and looks at Hajime and I, as she removes my hand from her shoulder, and wipes her tears away with a pretty handkerchief.
“Now, I told you, Saitou-san, that I can heal her. I -can- do that, but it won’t -fix- her. You’re looking for a woman who’s long gone, I suppose, but I guess it’s easier to leave a woman who is physically whole. She’ll be able to find a useful job and support the girls, after all. Maybe even another man. But I can’t make her a good woman.” Then she steps closer to him.
“Or I can do what your other aspect was planning – help her shadow put her back in the City of Glass and Steel, she can be with Todou-kun, and you can wrap it up, and I’ll do what I can to make the shadow more, ah, stable. And there’s one other idea if my sister goes back to the City -” She pulls back the hood she’d been wearing, and in the golden light of a winter sunset, she’s so -pretty- and healthy and whole, and she smiles up at him in a way that makes my -heart- hurt. “I look like her, we’re from the same bits of stardust and clay and imagination. I could slip in and take over, and you can have another chance with a Hide who isn’t as stubborn. Who puts her man first above her comfort and pride. I will not promise love as I will stay true to my first love, but I can give you contentment.”
I find my voice.
“No, you -can’t-,” I shout, breaking the solemn mood of the graveyard. “You can’t -do- that-. He can’t just die and -nobody- can take my place!”
She tilts her head to look at me. “And why not? He’d have Hide, without the -baggage-, but who could give him a fresh start unlike the shadow. And you could do whatever with Todou-kun, I’m sure you’d find contentment, if you weren’t so stubborn about things.” Her smile is almost gentle. “Didn’t you yourself believe that to love Saitou-san is to give him up to be -free- of you, after all? That night you tried to dump him?”
I did, didn’t I? I look down, feeling the weight of my mistakes, his pain… I shake my head. Not now! “He’s my -world-, the center of my heart, sister. He’s why I decided not to be a shadow myself. To live… I just wanted to live and he made me a world…”
“That you didn’t appreciate, that you throw away whenever it gets tough,” she says. “But these are just words. Live. You say that almost as much as -love- but you show little will to live nor what your love is truly worth. What do you actually value, and -what will you do-?”
“But what you’ll do isn’t important. I offer the choices to Saitou-san – to heal her, or to let her go to another world and start over again with another version of Hide, or to just let it all go.” She looks at him. “All of it is in your hands.” She picks up his right hand and places it between hers. “This is your world, it’s always been up to you.”
I pull her hands off of his, shoving her away, not wanting to see her touching him, smiling like…. like I used to.
“No, this is the world you made for -us-. I want to be healed, and -live- with you.” I look at him. “I want to dance with you again, in that ballroom, in front of the whole world, to let this world know that we belong to each other.” But when he’s torn between two voices, both of whom see me -so- differently… is there anything that will work? And her offer…. her hair fell down, when I shoved her away, and it flows down to her waist.
She’s still too close for my liking, and she looks past me, to Hajime. “It’s not her choice, not anymore.”
“There’s something to be said for being content, Saitou-san. We didn’t fight – not because we avoided it, but because I suppose he didn’t have much to fight for,” “But we never claimed to be a love that changed a world, either.” “I’m glad you understand that, now.”
I can only look at the older sister placidly. And then glance back at Hide who seems to have a cross look on her face? Is it because I no longer defend what we had? It was only a week or so ago he did.
Watching the older sister handle the box so gingerly and place it on it’s rightful resting place – I remember something of me or rather how I came “to be”. As she cries over Okita I vaguely remember whispered words in my sleep, hopes of my wife when I’m gone.
“Now, I told you, Saitou-san, that I can heal her. I -can- do that, but it won’t -fix- her. You’re looking for a woman who’s long gone, I suppose, but I guess it’s easier to leave a woman who is physically whole. She’ll be able to find a useful job and support the girls, after all. Maybe even another man. But I can’t make her a good woman.”
I simply nod at this. I merely wanted her made whole again. As for being a good woman, that’s not within anyone’s power.
But then this older sister suddenly proposes an old plan, not my plan nor his but just a plan that came to be. A plan I could accept had she wanted a good man, a good friend with good potential… But then suddenly… -Unexpectedly- she reveals herself to me, the exactly replica of the Hide I knew from -years- ago.
“I look like her, we’re from the same bits of stardust and clay and imagination. I could slip in and take over, and you can have another chance with a Hide who isn’t as stubborn. Who puts her man first above her comfort and pride. I will not promise love as I will stay true to my first love, but I can give you contentment.”
My mouth gapes but no sound comes out but it’s Hide who breaks the silence and the sister argue. About everything here and not of here it seems. About this world and why it came to be. About what happened or didn’t happen in it.
“This is your world, it’s always been up to you.”
And the older sister holds my hand but there’s a slight difference there. I remember. Her’s were rougher and I always found them beautiful but that’s all it’s been a memory at this point. But I’m surprised again as it’s pulled away and her sister is shoved back.
“I want to dance with you again, in that ballroom, in front of the whole world, to let this world know that we belong to each other.”
Do we belong? A small smirk lands on my face as I look down.
“It’s not her choice, not anymore.”
“Tell me first.” I look at the older sister. “What do you get out of all this? Playing the role of my mistress, -not- my wife and taking care of a houseful of insolent children…” I tilt my head a little with a grin, “Do you think I’ll spare you and not have my way with you?”
Hajime seems… shocked at her proposal, to fully exile and replace me. Shocked that he offered, or… did she speak something that maybe he’s wished himself?
And he looks at her… -looks- at her. With longing?
When I shove her away, to get her away from him, with her offers, a final betrayal… he’s surprised again, as he had been… -feeling- her hand. Does he? Would they? I feel rising panic as I see the smirk on his face, his question to her.
Tell me first. What do you get out of all this? Playing the role of my mistress, -not- my wife and taking care of a houseful of insolent children… Do you think I’ll spare you and not have my way with you?
“I get to take over a life squandered, a real and full life. You don’t even hear her anymore.” She glances over at me, and then to him, with a little smile. “She has what I wanted when I was made – a proper home, a family, children. Insolent? That’s her fault, again – wasn’t she meant to put you and your oldest to a good relationship?” She sighs, shaking her head.
Sadness crosses her eyes, as she looks back to Souji’s grave, and than back. “And… there would be no need for the turmoil you had with her. I don’t tell you I love you after calling another the love of my life. You know where you stand with me.”
She shrugs as she answers the rest, “as for ‘having your way’… I’m not the same as her, in that regard. I have no -urgings- for that sort of thing, I was able to leave Okita-san alone in that regard as he was with me which probably explains why we were so content. My body is available, I suppose, if required. However, I think it would be like you’ve probably been with your other supposed mistress, Aioi – unable to actually do the act – otherwise, the woman in the machiya wouldn’t have gone to to the work of making my foolish sister believe it.” She smiles, and takes his hand, again, and I want to shove her again, touching him. “For a man with a wife and two mistresses who all fling themselves at you, you’re actually a very moral man – you stay true to one woman.”
I look up at Hajime with questioning eyes, hesitant and with hope that I can’t hide. I knew Aioi-san to not be trustworthy, but… “you’ve not – with Aioi-san?” I ask. For all of my talk about wanting to trust him, it crumbled when presented with -her-, someone who could manipulate me better and reveal that I wasn’t as perfect as I wished to be when pushed back against a wall.
Then…. “but you wanted me to -think- so.” I blink, rapidly. “And now you’re looking at my sister like she’s…. she’s the one who is your heart’s desire.” I look at her, the soft hands without scars, the long hair, how easily she moves, the wear that doesn’t show around her eyes, her mouth. “Is that what you want me to think?”
“She’s not. She’s -not-.” I say. “-You’re- the one here. The one who loved me even though you made it seem like it was burdening you.” I touch his face, and say, quietly, “it’s been too long, that I saw that smile, that grin… it seemed like you gave those up, before you let the other one take over, but you just did when you challenged her.” I lean my head against his shoulder. “I’d rather stay here and chance losing it all than take a safe consolation prize elsewhere.” But he’s tired, so tired, and justifiably so. Maybe her options sound better. A quiet close with a shadow, or contentment with my younger sister.
“I get to take over a life squandered, a real and full life. You don’t even hear her anymore.”
“You’re right. We’ve lost that connection.” I say as I light a cigarette, “In fact -this- place, where words are posted is the last link we have.” And the last place I need to let go but he did such a banged up job doing that. Not that I did any better even when it’s -clear- there was nothing left for me here, except for the obligatory and half hearted replies.
“She has what I wanted when I was made – a proper home, a family, children. Insolent? That’s her fault, again – wasn’t she meant to put you and your oldest to a good relationship?”
I don’t say anything about my son. I brought my son because I could not leave him knowing how hard he took it all. And her eyes glance sadly on Okita’s grave, which combined with what she just said, betrays her true thoughts. I almost feel sorry for her.
“And… there would be no need for the turmoil you had with her. I don’t tell you I love you after calling another the love of my life. You know where you stand with me.”
I grin a little again and under my breath say, “Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” But that’s not what he’d want and I’m only here until, the damn fool wakes up. And she surprisingly calls my bluff, I wouldn’t but he wouldn’t hesitate to take her like he did Hide. It didn’t matter if she didn’t love him back then. He just wanted and got what he needed, though the morning after certainly left him changed.
But then she goes and speaks about Aioi. How I wasn’t able to with her, that’s not completely true. There was a time I was desperate enough to get the information I needed to finally put an end to those who ruined their life in Ito and still threatened me until the last day. I don’t say anything.
“you’ve not – with Aioi-san?”“but you wanted me to -think- so.” I blink, rapidly. “And now you’re looking at my sister like she’s…. she’s the one who is your heart’s desire.”
“Did you say back then Hide, that I didn’t smell of sex?” I remind her what she told me, “And since I didn’t I guess it didn’t matter that I spent my time with her than with you.” After all Aioi was there, made time and temporarily put aside her tricks. She saw me for who I was but that may just be because she knows me better, rather than the woman who didn’t care to know who she slept with.
“She’s not. She’s -not-.” I say. “-You’re- the one here. The one who loved me even though you made it seem like it was burdening you.” “it’s been too long, that I saw that smile, that grin… it seemed like you gave those up, before you let the other one take over, but you just did when you challenged her.”“I’d rather stay here and chance losing it all than take a safe consolation prize elsewhere.”
“You used to tell me, rather him, I couldn’t be anyone being -half- a man.” I grasp her hand that’s on my face, “Now you’re willing to throw yourself at me? The other half of a man that left you?” I place down the hand that’s on my face and kiss her cheek for a moment and whisper, “I’m sorry.”
Then I turn back to the older sister the one that looks like my Hime-sama from years ago, “Heal her. Let her be whole again Hide.”
(Hide)
You’re right. We’ve lost that connection. In fact -this- place, where words are posted is the last link we have.
My sister shakes her head. “But you still have the connection, as paltry and weak as it feels now. You let your garden lie fallow for too long. It takes work to get back what you lost – both in the years apart and in your current strife.” I know I assumed it would come back, and when I found it blocked that summer, and I got so easily spooked… I thought the rules had changed. But I was looking for a shortcut. Working and waiting… I’ll always have the memory of our real reunion that one perfect afternoon to savor for the rest of my life.
Did you say back then Hide, that I didn’t smell of sex? And since I didn’t I guess it didn’t matter that I spent my time with her than with you.
It feels like a lifetime ago when I said that. “I do care. I can’t stand it, the thought of anyone else having their hands on you,” I glare over at my sister, “Aioi-san told me that she sat in your lap and talked to her and I could just imagine her playing with your hair and making you laugh and…” I lower my head. “I hated her more for that than any sex. I was more upset that you’d give another that, even though it was me… that didn’t claim her rightful place.” I mutter, “I can’t share you with anyone, and that makes me feel… jealousy is such a devouring feeling that I try to deny it.” It always made me feel small and ugly, when I was jealous of Tokio. Or how it came out in Ito, being jealous of my own -daughter- being able to reach him when I couldn’t. “I wish I had been the one to sit on your lap and listen to you, instead.”
You used to tell me, rather him, I couldn’t be anyone being -half- a man. Now you’re willing to throw yourself at me? The other half of a man that left you?
“And I left him, too,” I remind him, sadly. “Please stop… fighting with yourself. Neither of you are the better man -or- the worst man. You’re part of one complicated, infuriating, wonderful man, who yes, I’ll throw myself at – you’re my man.” He touches my hand, even if to move it down and he kisses me, saying he’s sorry. “I’m sorry too. You’re the part of me I can’t be without.”
Then… he makes his choice. For my sister to heal me. I look at both of them, surprised. I thought with his apology, the kiss, moving my hand away… he may have been ready to make another choice.
(Sister)
Heal her. Let her be whole again Hide.
I smile, a bit shakily. “Ah, you missed your chance with me, Saitou-san. But I’m not a very good cook.” I look back at Okita-san, grave. “He’s at peace, finally. It wasn’t wrong to want him back, for any of us. But for what I was able to find, I’m grateful. We talked, on the boat, and we agreed that amends should be made.”
First I turn to Saitou-san, and touch his left shoulder. It’s maybe too far gone, and it’s not the same as with my sister, but the connection between her and him that’s still there, thin as an old thread remains that gives me a way in. It’s fragile, but perhaps anything will help? I feel some of the warmth from my fingertips flow. But what I want and what Saitou-san, and Okita-san wants, is for her to have most of what I can give as I put my hand down.
“Okita-san said that this is right; I could have done more during her captivity than lay my judgement upon her. I could have been a comfort, or given her more help, or found a wat to help you, Saitou-san. Or done something to that imposter, when he invaded the places where I could go – brought Okita-san to deal with him. She -” I falter, pausing, and I find my voice again, “these injuries shouldn’t have happened to her.”
I smile at her. “Hold out your hands, sister.” She looks at me, warily. She doesn’t trust me. She goes from Saitou-san’s side reluctantly. “This won’t be instant, you live in a world with rules but your healing will happen in a matter of weeks instead of decades. You can attribute it to some great onsen you and Saitou-san snuck off to on the way home to Aizu,” I joke a little, trying to make her smile. She should smile more. I get a faint one in response. I touch her hair. “Even this will come back faster.” It was cruel, him taking that. I should have known then what the imposter was capable of.
Then she lets me have her hands, and I feel it. Flowing from me to her. The connection we had, coming from the same place. That once maybe would have let us merge, in a way, but this time, she gets to stay herself, for good or bad, wherever that leads her. After all, when this is done, my spirit has a place to belong. “You’re not allowed to waste this,” I tell her. It’s the years I’m giving up, to her. She’s fated to live to be an old lady -anyway- but I give her my strength, my light, to make her heal. I feel it, a connection as I feel her becoming stronger, and I’m getting weaker.
She realizes just -what- I’m doing and shakes her head. “No, no like this…” as she starts to cry. I just smile at her. And then… I’ve done what I can and she passes out, her body having to take in what happened. I do my best to hold onto her until Saitou-san can help me take her, as weak as I now am. I look at her face. Some of the lines and worry are gone, and her lips are curved a bit as she sleeps, like a child’s, like she used to sleep. This has changed me, too, and I look less like the vision of who we were all those years ago and more like a middle-aged woman who just lost someone she loved.
“Don’t take her home tonight like this, she hates worrying everyone,” I tell him. “She’s going to heal -very- quickly, as I told her.” I look up at him. “Her hand, her ankle… it won’t take long. The gunshot- the scar on her side is already gone, and the internal damage….” I close my eyes, tired, but feeling somehow accomplished. “The doctors here in this time didn’t know because they can’t see, and while she didn’t bleed out… you two never would have been able to have a child again. I’ve fixed that.” I don’t know if that’s in their future, to have the third child she really wants, but she’s whole again, in that regard. And it won’t kill her, like it might have, but I keep that secret to myself. She’ll be as strong as she was with their beautiful Ai-chan, should it happen.
I look at Saitou-san, and hand him the key. It’s to the library, where for now I’ve locked her out. “As for your connection – the ability you have to find her outside of this box, or in other worlds – you’ll have that connection again – when you spend less time talking to yourself, and she looks at these places as a place for you two to discover more about each other than a place to run away to.” I look at her. “The library is almost as nice as this graveyard for a date, you should go together sometime. There’s a nice collection of your stories there.”
I sit down, next to Okita-san’s grave, resting my head on the cool stone, the light of the day finally spent. I feel him, his hand on my shoulder, from another world – I know he’s happy with what I’ve done here. “Don’t be sad, Saitou-san, or angry. I was made to help him, and I did. Love him, even if he couldn’t return it as I would wish, but I was happy. But now, I’ll be with him – ah, well, you and my sister will see us again, many, -many- years from now.” I smile a bit. I feel myself fading –
“Yagi-san! Yagi-san!” I open my eyes and see him. “I waited, I watched! Everyone’s waiting!” I smile as he takes my hand, he’s young and strong again, not the one who I watched waste away.
“And they won’t be surprised? To see me now, and then see her later?” I ask, not looking back to the place I left. I’ve done what I can.
“You two are so strange, for some girls who most people forgot.” He grins at me, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, after I explained where I was off too for so long, they understood – and well, it’s a lot of fun here. It’s just the best parts – no war – just all of us, together again! You’ll love it!”
It’s then I see her mother – hers, not mine – and she nods her head, just slightly, before turning away to take her husband’s arm.
I walk with him, and we’re greeted. He’s right, I will love this place. And so will they, someday.
(OOC – end for IC Hide. OOC Hide is passed out and will be until at least sometime the next morning. You may close and start a new thread)
But she doesn’t start on Hide right away and instead tries to do something about my shoulder and I’d step away, say it’s a waste of time but I take what is offered as she tells me of Okita. The Okita who came to me didn’t feel right but the Okita who she speaks of now seems more familiar. This one seems to share a certain kind of justice, in helping the weak or at least a -conscience-. As soon as I feel that energy I understood where this would go and I look at Hide for a moment, still staring back at us unable to process what is happening. As she leaves my shoulder I close my eyes for a moment, feeling their life, their memories that resurfaces in me. Her time from the wilderness when we were friends and him my comrade and good friend before he was twisted and spoiled by others in that place.
Stepping away I watch as the sisters hold hands. The younger sister telling the older one she’ll heal faster but not instantly. And it’s then I realize that I’ve been thinking of this sister as the -older- one, certainly because of how composed she has been this time. My Hide, although the older of the two was more like the child, back then one I loved to spoil until we had children of our own. The younger sister tells Hide not to waste the years being given to make her whole again and she finally realizes what’s happening and protests it. But it’s too late and it was going to happen and when it’s done I go over to take Hide from her younger sister who has now aged, far from the vision of what she had offered me in the first place. Did she ever think I would take her offer to replace the one, like a child sleeping in my arms?
“Her hand, her ankle… it won’t take long. The gunshot- the scar on her side is already gone, and the internal damage….” “The doctors here in this time didn’t know because they can’t see, and while she didn’t bleed out… you two never would have been able to have a child again. I’ve fixed that.”
“Thank you.” I look down at the woman in my arms, sleeping, then at the other. “I -hated- that scar on her side. She got it while using herself to shield me from a bullet.” I don’t tell her that I didn’t want to have another child, because what kind of man would have another child with a woman who kept saving him instead? A -useless- man. Not to mention that it took a while to get justice for what happened in Ito and now… I close my eyes for a moment, to reel back my thoughts that started to run away.
“Don’t be sad, Saitou-san, or angry. I was made to help him, and I did. Love him, even if he couldn’t return it as I would wish, but I was happy. But now, I’ll be with him – ah, well, you and my sister will see us again, many, -many- years from now.”
“I’m not sad nor angry. More -disappointed- that I’ve lost another friend. You and him were supposed to have dinner again at our place, put up with our rather undisciplined children…” I stop. Whatever this is, is probably where it should be. “Thank you Yagi-san. I thought I’d have to put aside my justice to make things -right-. Now that she’s healed,” I think about what the weasel told me in Osaka, “maybe I can let justice itself work.” But it doesn’t mean I’m done with the other two who still roam freely.
I watch as the younger sister fades, still holding the stone. In a way, I’m glad Souji had someone who was true to him till the end.
(OOC – Saitou exits. Will start a new thread.)