It’s almost lunch time. I came back from the market wanting to create the latest “craze” they said, a new take on fried meat! Katsu-don!
I smile taking out the pork and then the breading, the crushed bonito for umami and then some eggs and onions. I’ve come a long way since the time auntie first showed me how to cook. The rice won’t be soggy and the reason I can attempt Katsu-don now is I no longer burn anything I fry!
I really should be cooking this tonight but I want to see if it passes Auntie and Eiji-kun’s taste buds first! Then I’ll try it next week. I go ahead and hit the pork all over with the back of the knife. They said -not- to pound it because it will lose moisture and will become rubbery. So I’m careful!
(OOC: Yukiko is in the kitchen, half way through cooking. Hide can drop in if she chooses. If not Eiji will later.)
Eiji:
It’s been quiet and I’m almost glad that Yukiko took longer than usual getting back from the market. But now she’s back and well I guess we’re alone. Yagi-san has sequestered herself to the room.
I go inside the kitchen and find Yuki cooking a meal.
“You’ve really gotten better at this.” I tell her, looking over the rice and she just finished fying the breaded pork without burning the breading!
“Just a little more, after the onions simmer in the dashi I can add the eggs and it will be a complete meal.”
She turns to me with a smile and I think to myself how pretty this girl is.
“They called it katsu-don. Pork cutlet over rice!” She beams as she takes the eggs and quickly add it to the simmering onions. I don’t interrupt her and instead I sit down on the table. If we were together, something like this would be an everday occurence wouldn’t it? And unlike right now I wouldn’t have to pretend that she’s cooking for me, it would be real.
She finishes and carefully portions and slides the simmered onion and eggs on top of the cutlet and rice.
“That smells wonderful Yukiko.” I say. She turns to me with an odd look on her face.
“Did I say something wrong?” I ask.
“No. Nothing Eiji-san.” She places the 3 bowls on the table.
“Did you use to cook for Kinosuke like that?” I ask.
She looks even more surprised. “Mou. Such a time to bring Kinosuke-san up.”
I shrug a little, “I was just wondering if you did. You lived with him for a while didn’t you?”
She smiles slightly but it drops from her face, “It was more like he was living with me. When he came from his business dealings, he’d come to the house bringing dinner from his house to father’s.”
I end up chuckling a little.
“What’s so funny?”
“So neither of you cooked?”
“Not really and he had servants.” She looks towards the entrace of the kitchen.
“Do you miss being waited upon Yuki?”
She brings her attention back to me and shakes her head, “No. Not really.”
“But do you miss him?”
It takes a while for her to answer, “You can’t really miss someone who already said goodbye to you.” Suddenly she stands up.
“Where are you going?” I stop her by holding her wrist.
“I’m going to find Yagi-san.” She looks down at where I’m holding her.
“Sorry. But can you stay a little while? I need to ask you something.”
“The food will get cold.” She says just looking and I let her go slowly but she doesn’t leave.
“Father said we should go back to Akashi.” I look up at her. “To go back there and continue the Yamaguchi line.”
She gasps for only a moment and wraps her arms around herself.
“Do you think that’s possible Yuki? For you?” I search her face.
“Why does Uncle want that? Did he tell you Eiji-san?”
Now it’s my turn to look down, “You remember when we thought they were having problems?”
“Yes… You don’t mean?”
“It’s come to that.” I nod, “It seems that they have agreed to separate but this morning Yagi-san seemed opposed to it. But I didn’t really get the impression she was for one or the other, but it seems father will go ahead anyway.”
“That can’t be…” Yuki stammers and draws her arms even tighter around herself. “Uncle loves her.”
I shake my head. Whatever father may feel now, once he set his mind on something it’s hard to stop him and just knowing how Yagi-san has been, her running away and Okita-san, I doubt she’d find the answers eventhough I thought I pointed it out to her before. So all that’s left is to take care of Yuki and father’s asked me to continue the Yamaguchi house.
“So do you think it’s possible Yuki?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not that I’m saying no Eiji.” She looks at me, “But I’m just not sure yet if it’s the best thing to do.”
“Think about it please? Father will speak to you tomorrow.” I implore and then I look at the meal that’s going to get cooler. I look up and smile at her, “Well better get Yagi-san. I don’t want the food you made to be wasted. I’m sure it tastes good.”
She bows slightly and tries to smile but it’s not her usual one.
(OOC: thread ends here unless Hide wants to interact. otherwise it’s done)
I come into the kitchen, where Yukiko-san is cooking away. I thought I would have heard from Hajime today, about wrapping up the situation with Souji and my sister. I just want that sword – both figuratively and literally – from over my head finally. And from Hajime’s neck – from what I’ve pieced together, Souji did that to him – other than the Battosai, he’s probably the only one fast enough to move like that with chains.
“Something smells nice,” I say, smiling. It’s then I see her face. “Oh, Yukiko-san… what’s wrong?” I go to her, taking her hand. Eiji-san went ahead and talked to her – I saw him leaving from the upstairs window as I was airing and re-arranging Makoto’s room for our new person.
(OOC – loooks like we posted at the same time. I edited mine to reflect happening after Eiji’s post)
Yukiko:
“Oh, Yukiko-san… what’s wrong?”
Yagi-san arrives just a minute after Eiji-kun leaves. I smile again or I think I’m smiling.
“Nothing really Auntie.” I sigh, “Nothing bad has happened. I’m only considering matters regarding the Yamaguchi house that Uncle will want me to attend to.”
Well I don’t want Yagi-san to feel bad about it. I thought that since Uncle had used our family name at the front of the house that he would somehow continue it. I didn’t realize he wanted me to…
I look at Yagi-san again earlier she was smiling.. I’m sure it’s bad enough that Uncle wants to separate from her. “I’m sorry about Uncle.” Because I saw how stubborn and fixated he can be, when he and my father had fought in the past.
“Oh! I made some Katsu-don! I saw the technique at the marker, could you taste it and see if it’s passable?” I look at the now cold dish. Eiji-kun didn’t taste his…
I’m only considering matters regarding the Yamaguchi house that Uncle will want me to attend to
She’s smiling but it’s empty. “Yes, I heard this morning, when Hajime told Eiji-san about his plans.
I’m sorry about Uncle
I look at her, “thank you, Yukiko-san…. but I’m working on trying to keep this from ending. I’ve made a lot of mistakes… -so- many, but, there’s still something left to fight for. For one, this life he gave me – all of you around me. I think sometimes I took it for granted, left you all alone too much… but I love all of you.” I shake my head. “You always made time for me – from stepping in with household work and the baby, to listen to me whine and lament over the summer when I missed your uncle so much.” Funny, how long ago those days seem. Of course, loving an absent someone at a distance is easier than the actuality of what we are. It was easy to idealize him… and myself.
“But either way, you -always- have a home with me – so don’t feel pressured into making a decision. What happens to the Yamaguchi house is important, yes, but… don’t rush yourself just because of your uncle and I.” I look at her, carefully. “I’ve never seen a letter from Kinosuke-san. If you’re still healing from that… don’t marry Eiji-san unless your heart is ready for it. Or even if Kinosuke-san isn’t the issue, but if it’s needing to understand your own feelings… Being kind to him, going along but denying what you feel…” I lift up her chin, “that doesn’t do anyone any favors. I know this. It will only hurt more in the long run.” She’s not me, certainly, but she has a kind heart.
I saw the technique at the marker, could you taste it and see if it’s passable?
I see three plates, all untouched. “Did Eiji-san leave before you were done?” I ask, puzzled. After all, as she’s been learning to cook, he was always the first with a compliment, a kind word.
But I sit down and take a bite. “You got a beautiful color and crisp on the outside – you really have mastered frying!” I chew carefully. “Next time, don’t be afraid to pound the pork – you don’t need to slap it around hard, but use the rolling pin or even the heel of your hand, but you really have to look at each piece of meat when you get it to decide ” I look up at her. “But the taste is excellent – that you did this after watching a vendor do it once shows how skilled you’ve become.” She really has come a long way.
Yukiko:
“Yes, I heard this morning, when Hajime told Eiji-san about his plans.
I nod my head slightly. “I wonder why Uncle asked Eiji, instead of asking me first?” I ask more to myself truly. If he did then I can spare Eiji’s feelings just now because I don’t have an answer for him.
I’m working on trying to keep this from ending. I’ve made a lot of mistakes… -so- many, but, there’s still something left to fight for. For one, this life he gave me – all of you around me. I think sometimes I took it for granted, left you all alone too much… but I love all of you.”
“I didn’t feel like you took us forgranted Auntie.” I smile, “And I’m glad to be part of this family. So I’d like it to continue but are you sure you want to continue? Eiji-kun gave me the impression you were ambivalent towards it and Uncle is not someone who will easily change his mind.” I look down smiling sadly, “It may not be worth it in the end.” Because a family isn’t worth keeping if the man and his beloved no longer love each other right?
Being kind to him, going along but denying what you feel…” I lift up her chin, “that doesn’t do anyone any favors. I know this. It will only hurt more in the long run.”
I nod. “But I guess I can say the same to you Auntie, about being kind to my Uncle.” Because I can’t imagine any scenario that Yagi-san was cruel to Uncle. In fact, just knowing how he was back with my father then it may have been the opposite. And staying together to be kind, I read too many books where it ended up worst for the children, those who were in an arranged one for Japanese families and those supposedly love matches for foreigners.
“Did Eiji-san leave before you were done?”
“Yes…” I smile. She noticed Eiji but thankfully focuses instead on my cooking and she’s happy with it!
“Thank you for the pointers Auntie. I’ll try it again at dinner later this week. I sit down with her and have lunch myself.
I wonder why Uncle asked Eiji, instead of asking me first?
She’s quiet as she asks that. It is a good question. Hajime isn’t a man who denies the agency of women as a rule. Settling the houses he’s responsible for – Yamaguchi through his guardianship of Yukiko, and then, Fujita. “He’s doing this… quickly,” I say. So quickly. Harder to stop. But who pushed the stone down the hill?
Yukiko-san assures me that she doesn’t feel taken for granted, but is she being kind? Or did she not expect much?
So I’d like it to continue but are you sure you want to continue? Eiji-kun gave me the impression you were ambivalent towards it and Uncle is not someone who will easily change his mind. It may not be worth it in the end.
I smile a bit. “I do. What happened… it’s a cycle. One we find ourselves in, over and over. At the time, it seems the same, and we’ve always managed to come back together – we kiss, we say the right things, we make love and try to move on, but the cycle goes on.” I look around this kitchen. “I want to change this cycle, because it got to the point where we cannot just paper it over….” I close my eyes. “He’s been crying out for something, and I didn’t listen. I want to change that. Not because I’m in competition with his prior wives, putting on a face of the perfect woman.” I open my eyes, and… I find that I’m crying. I reach for a kitchen towel. “When I found out about his other woman, I tried to be -above- it, to make a show of my trust. But that’s not what he wanted from me,” I say, shaking my head. I was so worried about my hurt, my reactions to that anticipated hurt, that I didn’t see what his actually was.
“Will it be worth it?” I reach for her hand. “Last night I thought I was ready to give it up. I thought I could free him from me, because I thought I was bad for him, that my love was wrong and imperfect. I listened to good advice the wrong way. As for letting go… I found I couldn’t do that. There’s too much -here- beyond him and I that will be lost.”
I sigh, “but I can see where Eiji-san doubts me – he’s seen enough, with Hajime and Tokio.” God… I doubt myself. But I can’t be either extreme – the smug confidence of this summer, or the cringing regret that I’ve been this past week or so. “And yes… I was kind when he needed something more, and I think that hurt more than if I had been deliberately cruel. After all… he loved me.” I look at Yukiko-san, who has those faint traces of resemblance to him, “but he’s stubborn. It… won’t be easy. There’s a high chance that I’ll fail, but … for this family, and… I love him, and how I love him… it’s not one that gives up.”
She’s pleased, though, at my words on her cooking. “Good, let’s have it soon – I’ll show you how to judge the meat for pounding, but it’s only a small part.” It’s then I spy a bright red lacquerware on the high shelf. Ai-chan will soon taste her first food. But will that happen with her parents together, or will it be a bittersweet day, with fewer people wishing her luck and long life? Makoto’s Okuizome was… a day like that. Alone in that boarding house, nothing as it should be for a child made with such love.
Yukiko:
Yagi-san answers my question and I nod. “Maybe the quicker it goes… the less painful it is?” But for who? I wonder.
Then Yagi-san talks about their prior difficulties and I listen and nod. They can no longer paper over it and she’s right they need to get past it. But then she starts to cry and I’m -shocked- when she tells me about Uncle’s infidelity.
“When I found out about his other woman, I tried to be -above- it, to make a show of my trust. But that’s not what he wanted from me,”
“But what did he want Auntie?” What more, there’s now a house here, with his sons and daughters and I think Yagi-san takes good care of him. “Was the problem your kidnapping? That wasn’t your fault.” And i wonder about the other woman, is she just a fling or is she someone more serious like Yagi-san turned out to be. The irony is not lost on me… but I don’t say anything about the other woman mostly for auntie’s sake.
Then she affirms that for her it is worth it. Whatever difficulty she’s being subjected to. But I still don’t understand what ended up being a problem. “So you wanted to be better than his previous wives, there’s nothing wrong with that. My father used to tell uncle what a poor wife Tokio-san was.” And I thought she was, she never visited us.
I was kind when he needed something more, and I think that hurt more than if I had been deliberately cruel. After all… he loved me.”
My mouth forms into an o. I finally realized what the problem is with him. “So uncle thinks you don’t love him anymore…” I squeeze her hand, “but Auntie, doesn’t that mean that he still loves you?” Because didn’t the books say there’s a thin line between love and hate? But what can change Uncle’s mind I wonder…
And I’m glad she thinks my katsu is good and I can serve it soon.
Maybe the quicker it goes… the less painful it is?
“He wants to do right not just by the Yamaguchi house, but by your father.” And of course, if him and I end… what happens to this world, really? “So that’s why he’s pushing it – to make sure you’re both settled. But you can want for more than that, Yukiko-san.” We forget that these people in our world… get to have their own minds, wishes, fears… dreams.
But what did he want Auntie? Was the problem your kidnapping? That wasn’t your fault.
“Oh no, not the kidnapping…” I shake my head, although things hadn’t been going well leading up to that day. And wasn’t my fault? It all worked out for my sister’s Judgement exercise, after all… “But I think what she provides is something uncomplicated. Even if there isn’t anything… physical,” which she nor him either confirmed or denied, “women like her are trained to flatter, to cajole, to ease a man. She’s been someone he’s seen off and on for years, since the Shinsengumi days, so she knows his moods, I’m sure.” I look down at the table. “And when I found out I didn’t raise an objection. I just smiled and said that I trusted him… but he wanted me to care. Not just about what he was doing, but -why-.”
So you wanted to be better than his previous wives, there’s nothing wrong with that
I smile slightly, wryly. “Love shouldn’t be a competition. Caring someone should be for that someone’s own sake, and not to be more or better than someone else.” I sigh. “And I was chasing both of them… to validate my own place in his life, instead of earning it by actually being with him.” Chasing a shadow, making speeches about my loving… it’s easier to do that than the hard, sometimes messy work of being with someone.
So uncle thinks you don’t love him anymore… but Auntie, doesn’t that mean that he still loves you?
I look at her hand on mine, offering me sympathy and support. “Maybe there’s still part of him that does. But that part is the hardest to reach – it’s the part that’s the most hurt.” I squeeze her hand back. “Thank you, Yukiko-san, for speaking with me. As for you… be of your own mind as to your future. Is there anything else you would like to tell me? Things that are making it hard for you to decide, one way or the other?”
Yukiko:
Auntie explains to me about Uncle’s motivations and that it wasn’t the kidnapping. But then I get to hear more of the woman. How did Yagi-san get to know this other woman so intimately I wonder? And yet…
“And when I found out I didn’t raise an objection. I just smiled and said that I trusted him… but he wanted me to care. Not just about what he was doing, but -why-.”
She looks down and I wonder… what could’ve Auntie done? Throw a tantrum? Break down? Beg? And I’m quiet wondering, if I was the same way when Kinosuke-san left or even when he was around. I thought simply that life was a certain way, content that the person was there but not really knowing much beyond that.
And I was chasing both of them… to validate my own place in his life, instead of earning it by actually being with him.”
“Both Yaso-san and Tokio-san?” I shake my head, “I think you’re half wrong Auntie, you don’t have to earn someone’s love right? It’s supposed to be given freely. Why uncle suddenly wants you to earn it.” I frown at that. “That’s not fair I think.” But she tells men it’s hard to reach him because he’s hurt? Uncle sure didn’t show any indication at all.
As for you… be of your own mind as to your future. Is there anything else you would like to tell me? Things that are making it hard for you to decide, one way or the other?”
I consider for a moment. What did I need to decide. “The house of my father -is- important to me, as I’m sure it’s important to Uncle since it’s the house of his father, my grandfather Yusuke who had died because he aspired to be of the samurai class. But…” I look past Yagi-san, staring at nothing in particular. “I think it would be unfair to Eiji-kun if I didn’t know why I hesitate. And I’d like to know why Kinosuke-san left without a word, denying me closure. “
Both Yaso-san and Tokio-san?
I nod. “Earning isn’t quite the right word – but either way, by trying to scramble up to get on a pedastal, I left him behind. I didn’t even -look- at him.” I smile, sadly. “He gave his love freely. I just didn’t cherish it as I should.” I look at her. “But this time, I can’t just say I’ll do better. I’ll have to show him.” But… do to so… the answers aren’t easy.
Yukiko-san’s eyes grow distant as she talks about her house, and its history. Hajime’s father died because he wanted to be samurai? Another story he’s only told me fragments of… that I wish to know. I want to know all of these pieces that made him.
And she reveals that Kinosuke-san left her with no closure. “That’s… what happened to my sister. The man she loved just disappeared. Years and years later… it haunted her, and made it hard to accept his death, and now… I think it makes her willing to accept the relationship on his terms. Where I got to have closure, and mourn, even though my family situation made it that I had to live with his memory in a heavier way than it should have been.”
“You deserve closure, Yukiko-san. Not just so you can move on to Eiji-san or anyone else, but for your own sake.” I smile. “He’s not been responding to your letters, right? Is there someone else that you could reach out to? Or do we need to plan a visit there?” I don’t want this young lady to go down the path my sister did – always waiting for the door that never opened.
“But this time, I can’t just say I’ll do better. I’ll have to show him.”
She seems sincere but Yagi-san always was. I nod and hope for the best for them.
And our talk turns to me. Maybe it’s closure that I want. I think? I only want to know why, what comes after I’m still not sure.
“You deserve closure, Yukiko-san. Not just so you can move on to Eiji-san or anyone else, but for your own sake.”
Again I nod. “Thank you Auntie. Even if it wasn’t closure. Just to know what happened…” I smile a little sadly.
“He’s not been responding to your letters, right? Is there someone else that you could reach out to?
“I only wrote twice.” I look down on my hands, “I must admit little by little I’ve thought less of Kinosuke-san.”
Or do we need to plan a visit there?”
My eyes go wide and I shake my head. “Oh Auntie. Not at this time! Time is precious. If Uncle is moving fast, you’ve no time to waste on me.”
And I do mean that. I can wait besides if I couldn’t I wouldn’t have stayed here and I doubt the answer I’ll receive is one I’d care to hear.
I look at the time and realize we’ve been talking for quite a while. I’ll have to leave soon, for the children.
(OOC: You can close unless something else.)
Thank you Auntie. Even if it wasn’t closure. Just to know what happened…
“And that’s important, too, Yukiko-san,” I tell her. I’m surprised…. but also not really, that she only wrote twice.
If Uncle is moving fast, you’ve no time to waste on me
“There can be a time for it, if you wish it,” I say, simply. The people in this house… their lives rotate around mine and Hajime’s problems. Shouldn’t we do better?
I see her eyes dart to the clock. I finish up my plate. “Let’s think of a night for you to make this soon,” I say, “but now, let me help you clean up before the school run.”
(OOC – Close)