Tomorrow’s the day and I’m at the Machiya going through some old things. Eiji has mostly kept to himself and I should try to…
I finally found it.
Buried under the last few possessions I had is the box that had the dress uniform. I’ve not worn this since the awarding ceremony in 1877. Ten years ago… During the presentation of Medals of Empress Dowager to the war “heroes” of the Seinan wars. A war that should -not- have happened, that caused the Shizoku class to further decimate itself.
But even so…
I unfold the uniform. It’s more plain than I’d like. The single piece of interest that could’ve provided an accent is with -that- wife in Aizu. The only piece of my work that she keeps as a treasure or trophy for the defeat of Aizu’s enemies. Shaking my head I stand up and shake the uniform lose of its dust and crinkles.
Would I even fit into this?
The pants I think will be just fine but it’s the shirt and inner vest that I’m not too sure on. There’s no mirror here so I turn around.
“What do you think Eiji?” I ask him, looking down on the vest and wondering if it isn’t a little tight.
He tilts his head and shrugs. “It looks fine.” But then he stares a little too long and I wonder. But I shake that look off and put on the jacket.
“It doesn’t look too shabby does it?” I look at the gold buttons and wonder if I should shine them. “I have to go to an official police function with Hide.”
He looks surprised and then frowns. I want to ask him, what’s the problem? Does he not want me to take Hide? Perhaps he’s concerned after all Hide is not yet my wife.
“Don’t worry. No one there except a few know who my wife is and no one has ever seen Tokio.” I try to reassure him.
“Yagi-san should be more concerned about that.” Eiji replies in a low tone, “Your sleeves, need updating. I heard you were promoted when I got back. So from Police Inspector to Chief Inspector to Superintendent. Quite a jump so it doesn’t behoove you Sir to wear only a single police band.”
I blink – that’s not how he usually speaks, especially to me. “You’re right about the band. I should have the sleeves modified.” I say, “I want Hide to feel like she’s with a man who’s accomplished much. It’s too bad the Blue Paulownia medal is in Aizu.” I sigh a little and I was just there too. We all have our views and opinions about the war, but one thing will remain – that once a war is started it is up to us to finish it quickly with the minimum loss of life.
“If you wanted to show Yagi-san your accomplishments or maybe even your capabilities.” Eiji stands up and looks out the door, “Why didn’t you pick up your sword at the Kamiya dojo?”
So it did bother him.
Quietly I remove the dress uniform and place it in a paper wrap. I should take it to the office today and have it cleaned and modified.
“Instead Yagi-san came to save you.” He adds and I wonder what he’s wanting to do. Is he -that- disappointed that I didn’t defend my pride? It was my pride or my life. I didn’t use to care for my life, readily willing to throw it away for honor and pride. But I wanted to see the face of my youngest child, Ai.
“She did… Didn’t she?” I smile at him and close my eyes. “I was very thankful for that.”
“Hiko-san could’ve easily taken her, even with Kenshin-san there.” He reminds me and I start gathering my things. Doesn’t he know I know that very well? That’s why I told her not to resist which now makes her think I’m giving her away, even to -him-. I’d give her away in a heartbeat to a better man – a man she wants to be with, a man who would take good care of her – not him.
He lets out an exasperated breath “A long time ago you also said, “Don’t get angry. Few have the strength to risk death for the pride and respect humans deserve. Because, you don’t need pride or respect just to stay alive.” .” I can feel him staring straight at me but there’s no need to meet those eyes. “Aren’t you going to say anything Fujita-san!”
Having gotten all my things in order, I light a smoke. I could answer him. Tell him, Fujita died a long time ago. What’s left is me – not necessarily that man he met in Shingetsu – not exactly the same man from the wilderness either or even the one he met lately. I may be all of them or none of them at once. “I still don’t think you should get angry. You may think me weak, you may be right.” I take a long hit on my cigarette, “Instead of fretting about me or judging whether I can keep it together, maybe you should start thinking of what you should do with your life instead. You go and find yourself a mediocre job just to stay in Tokyo when you have a perfectly good one in the Army that will soon let you go if you don’t get back… You hang around watching us stumble through our lives and yet not really getting involved… And you say you want to confess to my niece but you don’t do it even with her lover no longer here…”
I look to the side. Ah… I didn’t quite mean to be so blunt.
“I’m sorry I’m not living up to the man you met a long time ago.” I tell him, “But stop worrying about me or even them. How about worrying about what you want?”
I give him a tap on the shoulder and leave. I’m sure he has a lot more to say and it’s unfair of me to leave. But I’m -exhausted-. I just want to try to see if Hide and I can find a small sliver of happiness in this world that’s made up it’s mind to tear us apart.
I need to make sure this uniform is ready because I’m sure she’ll be looking her best.
That’s all we can do, for now.