I got back to Tokyo later that afternoon, having have missed the first train out of Aizu and found a message waiting for me.
We’re at the Miburo’s lair.
That’s good. For all my misgivings about leaving this to Shindou, he did come through without a hitch. I should have more faith in him, he didn’t catch Kawaji’s eye for nothing.
As I smoke and look up at the ceiling, I consider making a stop to the “lair”, just to see how Aioi is doing but the truth is I’m only delaying the inevitable aren’t I? At some point I have to face what’s at home. I have to face Hide. I watch the sun slowly disappear from the corner of my eye.
I’ve thought a lot about it, vascillating between one and the other. Wondering what is for the best and how much to tell. I thought that perhaps, I can keep my family safe as long as I’m breathing. I didn’t want to give them up but the more I thought about the events, the more I realize it’s just my pride isn’t it? I can’t bear the thought they’d be under someone elses protection. I’m selfish like that, even deluding myself into thinking that it was a fair exchange – erasing my first wife and any future children. I didn’t want another child anyway. I think it burdens her too much, besides two is fine and then there’s also my sons. They’re all a handful for just one woman. She’ll end up burned out or never “finding herself” just like Tokio.
I take a deep breath letting the smoke reach deep into my lungs. I can almost feel the air sacs burst along with the capillaries around it. It stings a little but I keep the smoke in until I couldn’t anymore and let out the fumes -slowly-.
That’s going to hurt later.
I’d put out my cigarette but my ashtray is already overflowing so instead I flick the butt out the window. I smoke a bit more by the window, going through another pack. It’s funny I don’t remember wasting so much time just waiting. It’s rather shameful isn’t it? I should be working or taking a rest at home so I can useful the next day.
With a sigh I take the bowls with me, along with my bag of personal effects and head home. I should be there just after everyone’s retired. If we are going to argue, I’d rather be it at the dead of the night so no one can see.
(OOC: Saitou is heading home. You can reply here or start another thread).
Another night… I put Makoto to bed, and eventually Tsutomu-kun and Yukiko-san go to their rooms.
The house is quiet and I’m waiting for Ai-chan to wake up and want a feeding before taking her “long” sleep, which these days is maybe four hours.
It’s already starting to get a bit cooler at night… I look out the window. Is it colder in Aizu?
I’m -trying- not to worry. I clean the kitchen again, even though it’s spotless. Set out the things we’ll need for breakfast. Making sure there’s a plate for him.
(OOC – Hide is puttering around the house)
I quietly let myself in. I’d go straight to the bedroom to get dressed but I see there’s light in the kitchen. Should I go there first? I could just head straight to bed.
I should but the bowls in the kitchen cupboard… I guess?
Casually I enter the kitchen. Her back turned against me. I might stun her so I gently place my things on the kitchen table.
“Sorry I’m late.” I say and put out her bowls.
Sorry I’m late.
I turn around and smile… and throw myself into his arms, my arms -tight- against him. I rest my cheek against his chest…
He smells so heavily of smoke. I’ve only known this -concentration- of the smoke a few times before… I only hold him tighter, for a long time, before stepping back. One hand taking his, the other on his cheek as I lean up and kiss him. “Welcome home.”
I’m surprised at how tightly I’m held close. I put my arms around her waist and squeeze just a little. I am glad to be with her after all, so I cherish the moment for how long it may last.
“Welcome home.”
I get my customary kiss and I catch that hand that’s on my cheek in mine.
“I brought what you asked.” I nod to the bowls to the side. I’m afraid to add, I didn’t bring much else.
He embraces me tightly. It feels like it’s been a while to be -this- close, since I had been pregnant for -so long-.
I brought what you asked.
I let go of him to look at the bowls. They’re plain, but the colors that I had asked for, and of beautiful quality. I smile over at him. “Thank you. These are perfect, and will help make Ai-chan’s day special.” And while it’s not traditional, his daughter will taste soba (even if mashed up) as one of her first tastes…
I take his hand again and lead him to our room. Closing the door behind us. Again, I take a kiss. “How are you doing?” I ask, first.
She seems pleased with the bowls at least. “Akane picked it out.” I tell her. Thinking back to that day, I didn’t have much time after all the fiasco.
These are perfect, and will help make Ai-chan’s day special.
“100 days huh?”
I’m led to our room and again we kiss. A little deeper this time. A little longer. And I’m supposed to keep my hands off her? Thankfully the kiss ends and I ended up looking over the crib where our Ai-chan is soundly sleeping.
“How are you doing?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
Maybe I should just go ahead and open this conversation. No sense in letting Hide be so affectionate that she might end up feeling foolish later.
I look over at Ai’s direction again, wondering if our child will keep sleeping or rather hoping she will.
“What do you think of having Makoto and Ai be under the Yagi house?”
“Akane-san has a good eye, thank you for taking care of it.” Which is fine – it’s just dinnerware – but what else was going on?
He kisses me back and then it ends.
And then he tells me he’s fine. With a shrug, and… should I not read so much into him? But as close as we are, what we mean to each other, all this time… pain he feels also feels real to me.
What do you think of having Makoto and Ai be under the Yagi house?
I’m quiet. That tells me… “I wouldn’t like it,” I say, quietly. “I appreciate that my brother would, but… they’re -our- children, and being a Yagi doesn’t reflect that. Yagi was the name I used for her… when we were alone. That’s another reason I don’t like it.” I try to catch his eyes, but he’s fixed on Ai-chan. “If not Fujita… then Yamaguchi? From what I know of your brother, he may have … given you a hard time, but would have allowed it.”
And if he’s asking that… then that means that she wouldn’t agree to the marriage ending. I go over to where he looks at Ai-chan. “Makoto already uses that name at school. Yamaguchi Ai-chan. Of the options…” I lean against him, my arm going around his waist. “We belong to you.”
“I wouldn’t like it,”
I have considered she may not like it. “But being under a protection of a good house is important for you and the children.”
“If not Fujita… then Yamaguchi? From what I know of your brother, he may have … given you a hard time, but would have allowed it.”
“Tokio had agreed to take the children into the house.” I click my tongue a little, “It’s not her choice to make but mine.”
I could just force it. I went to Aizu with that as a last resort but didn’t expect Tokio to cooperate in the slightest.
“As for Yamaguchi, it is a house with no head – so it’s not very useful for their future prospects.” I think back, “It was a good name to hide you and the children under but as for protections? Without a head you might as well be abandoned.” I shake my head. I could claim it but it means I abandon my other children instead and I’m not sure what that means for my work in the police.
She comes close and holds on to me. Telling me she and the children are mine. I hold her back but end up in a sigh. “I’m sorry. I -think- I maybe able to protect the children in the Fujita house but I suppose I… After the other day, I can’t even guarantee that.”
But being under a protection of a good house is important for you and the children
I look over at Ai-chan. “It is. I love my brother, and I know he means well – but it’s not the right house.” And protection? What can he offer me? He means well, but he couldn’t handle the caped man. He only managed to rile up Hajime…
Tokio had agreed to take the children into the house. It’s not her choice to make but mine.
“What made her agree?” I ask, in a quiet voice, because the way he makes it sound, it doesn’t sound like a victory. “Not some sudden bout of wifely obedience, I daresay. Or a concern for the children of you and … well, whatever she calls me.”
“That’s what I couldn’t tell you, the day you left, when all I could do is hold you. I wanted to tell you… not to make trades with her. She doesn’t play fair.”
“She has a way of getting to you – like the oni in the stories I heard as a child, who know how to find the -one- soft spot in the great warrior’s armor…” I shake my head. “I was there for enough of it, in the old days, to know.” How she tore and picked at him, the indifference, the meddling in his work, and then, her betrayal with the caped man… while never giving him the courtesy of -speaking- to him.
And then he tells me that the Yamaguchi house is not an option, either. It was just a place to hide, he’s right.
I’m sorry. I -think- I maybe able to protect the children in the Fujita house but I suppose I… After the other day, I can’t even guarantee that.
“What did happen the other day?” I go and sit at the table.
(OOC: continue tom)
Hajime:
“It is. I love my brother, and I know he means well – but it’s not the right house.”
I glance over to her. It’s not the right house but does that matter? Shouldn’t our children instead be able to have protections and opportunities? I’d almost dispute her, insist that our children are better off with the Yagi name. That I don’t care who’s name they carry- but the truth was I cared. Too deeply in fact. So I keep my silence.
“What made her agree?”“Not some sudden bout of wifely obedience,
Shaking my head I nod over to my bag. “I just have to file a marriage certificate in the Tokyo Census Bureau, making sure to correct our marriage date to 1871.” I look down, “I didn’t marry Tokio until 1876.”
Did I ever tell Hide much about Yaso? But had her brother not interfered – or rather gave me information I wasn’t expecting – I already decided that exchange was something I can live with. What’s another slight to my first wife? Of course I don’t tell Hide about the other condition – that Tokio’s insisting Hide and I don’t have another child.
“That’s what I couldn’t tell you, the day you left, when all I could do is hold you. I wanted to tell you… not to make trades with her. She doesn’t play fair. “She has a way of getting to you”
I watch her again. “Why couldn’t you tell me?” I smirk more to myself, “I suppose I did go to Aizu with such naive notions in my head.” That or that I will -force- Tokio to do my bidding. -Break- her even. Let the monster come out.
Hide stands up and moves away, sitting by the table. I can’t help but follow her with my eyes.
“What did happen the other day?”
“As I told you, not much but, it got to my ear that Morinosuke is taking on family cases in Aizu where the legal wife takes responsbility for the children of the head’s mistress. The truth is that under the law there is nothing particularly surprising about this, once a child is “recognized” as part of the house – the legal wife does assume being the head of the family if the man passess away without indicating a capable replacement.”
I watch her carefully. Maybe she will never be my wife. Perhaps… Or does she think I am so powerless that it maybe best to go back to the Yagi? Isn’t that what she saw in the Kamiya dojo? “Think about it carefully. I won’t stop you if you want to go back to the Yagi house. Your brother is right, the children’s situation can’t be left as it is. I want the children under my house but there is the risk that Tokio may end up being their legal guardian.”
I look to the side. My line of work does require I put my life on the line and as for Morinosuke… “I -think- she won’t want to do that however, as long as I follow most of her whims. After all if she did, she’d have no power over me.”
Tsutomu:
I thought I heard some movement downstairs and I was curious. If it’s -him-, well he just came back from Aizu and I’m curious what happened and how is mother?
The kitchen light is on but no one’s there. I can hear them talking in the bedroom, so I go to the nearest wall to listen in. I’m careful not to listen by the door, they might hear me or worst see my shadow.
(OOC: Tsutomu can hardly make out what’s being said but he’s listening very intently. Saitou and Hide can’t catch him unless they go to the kitchen and even then he might be able to get away.)
He says nothing about my resistance to the Yagi house… and I curse my brother for his well-meant -meddling-.
I just have to file a marriage certificate in the Tokyo Census Bureau, making sure to correct our marriage date to 1871. I didn’t marry Tokio until 1876.
“But that’s… ” I look up at him, and I realize…. I don’t know the exact dates, “but isn’t that when you were married to Yaso?” I stand up from the table. “Can she not let that poor woman have her honor? Is she that threatened?” I look down at the floor, and then Ai-chan. “If that’s her terms, then… I say no. I will not protect our children by erasing her. I know she’s not alive… but there are still people alive who loved her.” I look at him, he’s one of those people. “She was real and she mattered and even if being married to you was the -least- of the events in her life… she was yours.”
“And if she starts demanding to erase your past… what else? Should I die tomorrow, will I be erased too?” I blink and try to keep my composure and I know if I collapse into tears I -know- the limits of my existence. I know that no matter what I get here, or the other places we roam, it will always be -her- name next to his, carved into stones, recorded in dry books. “Or maybe she’ll ask to delete me after being successful in voiding one woman, even if I live? Or will she try other ways to control our lives, all for the sake of a name?”
He then tells me of a rather horrifying legal maneuver that her brother is pulling.
Think about it carefully. I won’t stop you if you want to go back to the Yagi house. Your brother is right, the children’s situation can’t be left as it is.
“If I do that I may as well end us,” I say, quietly. “That we could never make things better. That I could never be your wife. That our life will forever be left to the shadows. But I refuse to believe that it will never happen… I…” I pause, to try to keep myself under control. “I remain a hopeful creature. No matter how this world tries to grind that out of me, laugh and call me foolish… it’s what I am. It’s one of the few things I have.”
“I know when I fell in love with a married man that I would have to pay, as I violated the laws of god and man. But I won’t buy even an ounce of absolution by getting it by stepping on a woman who can’t defend herself.” I stepped on enough people to get here. My hands are unclean. I have sins of my own. “If Tokio can do that to her kinswoman, to wash her hands clean, then that’s her business. But I won’t make it mine.”
I go back close to him and rest my forehead against his upper arm. It’s as close as I feel that I can ask for right now. “I’m going to stay. I’m going to protect my children… and I’m going to stand by you.” I breathe in his too-smoky smell. “I love you. I know those words are meaningless to the law, but it matters to me.”
I raise my head to look at him. “Can you…” I take a shaky breath, “can you wait? Or… is this too much?” I don’t know what to tell him. Maybe he can’t keep living like this.
I -think- she won’t want to do that however, as long as I follow most of her whims. After all if she did, she’d have no power over me
“If something happened to you – ” I have to stop as I feel a great -squeeze- throughout my whole body that makes my voice break and leaves me feeling breathless, “if … that… then…” I try to gather myself, “Tsutomu-kun would be the head, and he … he loves his sisters. He wouldn’t…”
“If that’s her terms, then… I say no. I will not protect our children by erasing her. I know she’s not alive… but there are still people alive who loved her.”
There are and they are still alive in Aizu and Gonohe.
“And if she starts demanding to erase your past… what else? Should I die tomorrow, will I be erased too?” “Or maybe she’ll ask to delete me after being successful in voiding one woman, even if I live? Or will she try other ways to control our lives, all for the sake of a name?”
I only listen, knowing I’m getting Hide rather upset. “I won’t let her erase you.” Doesn’t she understand that’s she -carved- into who I am today? That I could let go of my first wife as a memory but not her and our children together. But weren’t you willing to let go of the future too? It’s then that I realize it’s better to tell Hide the other truth. “You’re right she is wanting to control our life together. The other condition was that we not have anymore children together.”
Could I have really followed that? After all I am still very attracted to Hide. Or did Tokio know I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off Hide, that I’d be violating her as a woman since I’d only take my fill and forego the natural results of it? I’d truly use her as just another body to get my relief. Then she’d be no different than a courtesan in the brothels.
Then she tells me it might as well be the end. Is it really the end? If they take their brother’s name? And if she never becomes my wife… Am I or is our situation really breaking down the hopeful creature that she is?
“I know when I fell in love with a married man that I would have to pay, as I violated the laws of god and man. But I won’t buy even an ounce of absolution by getting it by stepping on a woman who can’t defend herself.”
“It’s not your decision to make. You can’t be held accountable if I decide that Yaso takes a back seat to our children.” Quietly I say, “Besides knowing how she is, she’d offer it herself if it made the people around her happy. That’s how I got here to Tokyo after all.”
She comes back to my side and tells me she’s staying, that she’ll protect the children and stand by me. But…
“Can you…” “can you wait? Or… is this too much?”
“I think it’s too much.” I look back at her, “I think it’s too much for you and the children. Staying here with me might not be worth it anymore.” I still think a much better life is for her, somewhere. Maybe with him? Maybe in Kyoto? Maybe with her -family-.
“If something happened to you – ”, “if … that… then…” “Tsutomu-kun would be the head, and he … he loves his sisters. He wouldn’t…”
“He’s the child of his mother.” I think of my son, in a year or two he can take over the Fujita house should I wish it. “But he’s strong and I believe he will do the right thing but why take a chance?”
I think of them in Kyoto. Not her brothers but the strong men who lived there and her parents who welcomed us. “There’s no shame in letting them become part of your house. They are probably better off with your brother as head of the house.” I look at her for a long minute. “Besides your brother is already your protector, I’m sure he’ll do the same for his nieces.”
I won’t let her erase you.
“She should never be given that power,” I say, quietly.
You’re right she is wanting to control our life together. The other condition was that we not have anymore children together.
I feel like I’ve been hit. “What? Oh… I thought she would make a ridiculous condition like that. She’d say, oh, you can have your divorce, but you have to give up that woman. Or your job. Or something else. But this…” I shake my head. “She’s as clever as I heard. And you… accepted those terms?”
“She thinks I’m no better than a whore. Rotten. A woman using her body and her wiles to turn you away from your family, your wife. If only she could see -this-,” I say, flinging open my yukata, showing my front, with a sagging, strech-marked belly and leaking breasts, “maybe she’d doubt my powers of attraction – I’ve already been told that I’m too short and fat today.”
“If you agree to that term…” I step away from him. “That’s what you’re agreeing to. Not to the truth – that we share… that the physical is -part- of our love, and that… it’s so pure, in a strange way. That it’s words that we can’t say, a way to feel the bonds between us. Had we just been -hungry- – a whore and letch – it would have burned out. Were you -that- man you would have strayed. Were I that woman… well, I suppose I could seduce you -now- and make you retract all of those agreements.” I wrap my arms around myself, shivering. “You used the power of that connection, once, to hurt me, in the most intimate way a man can hurt a woman. But then we let it heal us, when I forgave you, and we got a little miracle – our Makoto. It was there to reassure you that morning after the caped man played his game with you. I can see it in you… it’s there when you’ve needed it. It’s there when I needed it – I know how unremarkable I am compared to her legendary beauty, to the other women you knew in the wilderness, but when I’m with you – I know you’re not with me just because I’m a good cook – it’s because you found something special in me, a true partner in every sense. Will you let her sully this with this… dishonorable agreement?”
“We could break it, I suppose. I can keep another child from happening – because we only seem to get pregnant when it’s… meant to be. Or use help from elsewhere.” I look at him. “But every time… you’d castigate yourself, because she would be in our bedroom.”
In a quiet voice, I add. “I didn’t want ten more children. I just wanted to try to give you a son, to have my own little wolf, in a year or so.”
Besides knowing how she is, she’d offer it herself if it made the people around her happy. That’s how I got here to Tokyo after all.
She might… and maybe even Ueda-sama. But would Akane-san? Or the brother he mentioned…
I think it’s too much for you and the children. Staying here with me might not be worth it anymore. Besides your brother is already your protector, I’m sure he’ll do the same for his nieces
“I don’t think Kyoto is the answer,” I say, quietly. “We would have a name, and protection, but we would not be equals. He’d pressure me to marry, I’m sure, like he did before. And there’s only one decent school that’s anything like Futaba, and my nieces go there. Makoto, and eventually Ai, would be nothing more than Kioko-chan and Sachiko-chan’s bastard cousins there, or in Kyoto society. And… they’d have a name but no father. What do you think Makoto would rather have? She’s known ‘no father’. I can’t do that to her, or start that with Ai-chan. It is the -greatest- regret in my life.” I remember, even from a young age, the hunger in her eyes when she’d watch other children with their fathers. And how quickly she came to love him, to bond with him. I’m not taking that from either of them.
I come back closer, to place my hand on his shoulder, his back, the place that bears the worst of his scars. “We… don’t do well apart. And there’s nobody else to -give- me to. Ever since we met you’ve doubted yourself, and… I choose you every time. I’m not willing to give up on you, on us, on this family because a vengeful woman wishes us to. I have -hopes- for this situation.”
I take his hand. “Please… please… or else, why did you call me back, last summer? If you wanted to say that oh, dear, despite it all we’re just -impossible- and flawed and our sin is irredeemable, you could have done that with that little shadow you created. But I think you wanted -me- back – not to break my heart but to keep fighting to make this happen.”
“I -am- going to be your wife someday, and until then, I’m going to live as it – including in our bed. I want to live with you here, in a family, with our children – including Tsutomu-kun – as well as Yukiko-san. I’m willing to.” I wrap my arms around him. “I’m not ready to let this world break me. I’m stronger than I look and my -hope-, my -love-…” I sigh. “But if you want the other way… then I’ll go, and you can have that cardboard Hide, and you can wrap up our story and make it as sad as your writer likes. Because I’m not going to be a part of a story where we give up.”
I go over to the desk, and get the invitation and hand it to him. “So, do we give up? Or do we keep going, accepting the uncertainties, but knowing that it’s better than a life lived without sincerity?” I go back to him, to look into his eyes.
(OOC: will reply tom)
“She should never be given that power,”
I want to tell her, as long as I’m here. No one can and no one will, even if it is my wife. That’s why I killed them right? Because they threatened her, she was innocent. But with everything I’m not able to do here at home, in the kamiya dojo, Kyoto or Aizu, it sounds fake even to my ears.
And then she’s stunned and furious all at once as I told her the other truth. I didn’t want to tell her but I could never keep certain truths from her even if it was to our detriment.
“She’s as clever as I heard. And you… accepted those terms?”
I’d tell her I’ve considered it. That i agonized about it before coming here and that’s why I’m asking her to take our children into the Yagi house but in a frenzied display she shows me the state of her body. Deriding the body that I’ve worshipped, took comfort in and used many times. I start to stand, to put back that yukata – remind her that the body she looks at with ridicule is precious to me. Its imperfections are marks of my claim on her.
Your claim?
But quickly she moves away and goes back to the issue at hand and issues of our past. Would I sully her that way? Perhaps worst when I… It’s true I’ve forgotten the hurt I’ve caused her, not because of the passage of time but because of our life -now-. Would I ruin the intimacy and sincerity that we share today? Treat her worst like before? But I guess she thinks that monster is gone when at times I feel it rising, waiting to be triggered and so I go looking for her to quell it.
“But every time… you’d castigate yourself, because she would be in our bedroom. “I didn’t want ten more children. I just wanted to try to give you a son, to have my own little wolf, in a year or so.”
Tokio would be and I don’t know if I could keep my hands off Hide. Had she not known of the condition and I take her to my bed? Insisted that we not have another child anymore, my personal reasons would be marred by Tokio’s control. Would I know the difference? I want the boy she spoke about. I told her this but as she loses herself to taking care of the people around her, do I want another child to add to that burden? I have it easy Tokio told me once, I can come and go as I please and I get to leave the child rearing and running the house to her. Hide might say that’s what she wants but that’s what people like her say until it’s not enough or it’s in the way. And they decide to run.
She speaks of those I left behind and finally I find my voice after the barage. “Who cares about all those people from the past?” I mutter, “I already chose my present so if Tokio wants to erase that, let her.” Oh I know she said she doesn’t want it to be on her conscience, of trampling a woman who cannot defend herself but she forgets I’ve done that already years ago.
there’s nobody else to -give- me to. Ever since we met you’ve doubted yourself, and… I choose you every time. I’m not willing to give up on you, on us, on this family because a vengeful woman wishes us to. I have -hopes- for this situation.”
That’s the problem isn’t it? She keeps choosing me. When it’s obvious there’s better choices for her out there, why else would her kin send his spy? They think there’s better. They just can’t say it to my face and now that it’s made obvious to me that I can’t even keep my children… “I want our children in the Yagi house because your brother can protect them.” I say flatly, “He had a spy sent to Aizu, who claimed to be investigating Morinosuke and not me. And even if that was true, we both know that’s not the real reason. He’s concerned about you and the children. That I can’t… And he’s probably -right-.”
But I think you wanted -me- back – not to break my heart but to keep fighting to make this happen.”
“I did want you back.” I look down on the floor and let my hands lie limply on my knees. “After realizing I’d never see you again.”
I’m stronger than I look and my -hope-, my -love-…” I sigh. “But if you want the other way… then I’ll go, and you can have that cardboard Hide, and you can wrap up our story and make it as sad as your writer likes. Because I’m not going to be a part of a story where we give up.”
She wraps herself around me and I’m reminded of that time in Ito while she tells me of what she wants or if I wanted her shadow. So I tell her what was in store for her shadow. “Well at least the ahou got the not giving up part correct. I’d go rescuing Tokio for Tsutomu from an old grudge – but before then I’d leave you to Souji. The one who wasn’t so bad to you or at least by this time he’d be a changed man. And you two can live in a dojo. And he was always so good with children…”
She stands up and leaves and I suppose, she’s angry. Could I blame her? Everywhere I looked I couldn’t see our future but I keep pretending there was.
“So, do we give up? Or do we keep going, accepting the uncertainties, but knowing that it’s better than a life lived without sincerity?”
I stare at the invitation. I had left it at the office undecided whether I can ask her to go with me. It’s one thing for me to just tell strangers she’s my wife. It’s another when everyone there is a daily acquaintance or perhaps a long term one. Then I think of her brother Yuunosuke, the one who hasn’t captured his dream yet. I told him, it was so hard to -keep- a dream alive.
Does she even want to go at this point? After all the things that were said?
“We’re both flawed people. And in our intimacy… your niece got it right when she said we healed each other. I can’t give that up, it’s entwined… we’re not panting dogs looking for release. We’re two people who love each other, and I take no shame in it. even if the circumstances…” I sigh. “You’re a complicated man. You carry -so- much – your past, your work, troublesome woman like me – and I need everything I can do to relieve you.” I smile slightly. “After all, didn’t I tell that man that if you’re to save Japan, that I get to save you?” I outstretch my arms. “I’m small. But when I’m wrapped around you… we’re so strong.”
Who cares about all those people from the past? I already chose my present so if Tokio wants to erase that, let her.
“Because it’s not -her- past. She can pretend that Yaso didn’t exist…” I think of the thin piece of cloth, the only tangible thing of hers that he has. “But you know the truth. You know how I feel – I am deeply grateful for the woman who kept you alive during the worst of everything – but it’s for you to decide. But she also hates the Shinsengumi – will you let her erase that someday as well?”
He had a spy sent to Aizu, who claimed to be investigating Morinosuke and not me. And even if that was true, we both know that’s not the real reason. He’s concerned about you and the children. That I can’t… And he’s probably -right-.
“Maybe he’s not lying,” I say, quietly. “If the news about what Morinosuke was up to made it around – and lawyers have their own news outlets – he could have been doing research. Yuunosuke told me that Tamesaburou has been furiously studying family law – observing trials, working with colleagues basically as an unpaid clerk in order to learn more – to be ready in case you request his help with a judicial divorce, so we won’t have to pay for someone, or at least he could serve as lead counsel.” I sigh. “He can be… a bit much but I think he wants to help. I think I he’ll be a different brother-in-law than your current one.” But I’m afraid that they’ve both offended Hajime enough that it’s going to be a strained relationship. “But of course he’s concerned. Being a good brother… well, that’s why Yukiko-san lives in this house, isn’t it? For you it didn’t even end at death.”
I did want you back. After realizing I’d never see you again.
“It had been so long… I waited, you know. Waited. Came to this place often, to relieve the memories – the good and bad – checked in, on every anniversary and birthday. I was scared… ” I look down, “that when that man died you went too. And this this place started ‘going down’, and I thought, well… maybe it’s all over after all. After all, our writers had drifted apart. But then one morning I woke up… and you wanted me back. I came here and saw that you tried without me.” I smile, “but we can’t replace each other with copies, can we?”
Well at least the ahou got the not giving up part correct. I’d go rescuing Tokio for Tsutomu from an old grudge – but before then I’d leave you to Souji. The one who wasn’t so bad to you or at least by this time he’d be a changed man. And you two can live in a dojo. And he was always so good with children…
“Well I suppose the other Hide,” I say, thinking that weren’t there already too many of those?, “would be fine with that as she had no will of her own. But me – the real me, the woman whose given you babies, bled for you,” my hands run, almost unconsciously, to my neck, to the time where I thought giving up was my only solution, “I don’t get to be given away.”
“You can’t give me away. Not to him, not to Todou-san, not to the supposed other husbands I’ve had in worlds outside of here or in stories.” I take both of my hands in his. They’re cold… I press kisses on his palms. “You’re good enough. You’re a good man. I may have to spend the rest of your life getting that through your thick head – but I chose you. Not because of the time we’ve spent, or the children we share. I chose you for a million reasons.” I pause, “and you’re excellent with children. This one didn’t give me three hours of sleep at a time while you were gone, and look at her now.”
“Of course I’m…. I’m angry at the situation. Because our dreams are all blocked by one person, and she’s a person well-skilled in hurting you. And… we have to pay for it. Our children have to pay for it. We may have lost this battle,” I shrug. “But the fight endures. And it will endure until the day that I’m actually your wife.”
I look at the invitation in his hand. “I’d like to go,” I say, quietly. “I was told today at one store that I’m too short and fat for Western clothes, so I was already feeling… quite a bit of self-pity. All over this,” I say, remembering that I never did actually re-tie my yukata. “I forgot that I had a baby less than a month ago and only thought that I’d never be as pretty as her.” I sigh.
I go and sit on the bed. “Is this still -our- bed? Or are we making room for a third?”
We’re both flawed people. And in our intimacy… your niece got it right when she said we healed each other
I smile a little. I didn’t realize that Hide has spoken to Yukiko about us. In a way I’m glad, I think as a woman, Hide needs support from someone who would not judge her or us. Hiroaki raised his daughter well.
“After all, didn’t I tell that man that if you’re to save Japan, that I get to save you?”
I don’t mind being saved by her. I already know I need to be around her for calmness and relief. She stretches out her hand and I reach for it. But I suppose it would be nice if for once, I can give to her what she gives to me. Softly I let that hand go.
She talks about Yaso then about the Shinsengumi. Would I let Tokio erase them too? I -would- but I don’t tell Hide this. If I can keep what’s in the now. They’re all -dead-. If I keep looking back, protecting the past, wishing for it even – then I lose today.
She defends her brother. That he wants to help. That what he’s doing is no different than what I do for Yukiko. He obviously does. He wants to help protect her and the children. Wants to give her the life she hopes for that her brother likely suspects I cannot give. He may or may not be right. I don’t know so it’s better I say nothing. Besides he’s doing the important thing, he’s taking care of her. She’s under his protection.
I was scared… ” I look down, “that when that man died you went too. And this this place started ‘going down’, and I thought, well… maybe it’s all over after all. After all, our writers had drifted apart. But then one morning I woke up… and you wanted me back. I came here and saw that you tried without me.” I smile, “but we can’t replace each other with copies, can we?”
It’s hard to speak of that time I was in a deep sleep. She’s right. I tried to replace her with a copy. I figured it had been so long that it was time to put our story to an end. It wasn’t the story that I wanted but it was a perfectly acceptable story. She would be happy with her predestined lover and my son would have a mother. The universe would be right. After all I took too long and she never said anything. I suppose the writer’s lack of talent was a blessing or maybe it was her wish that the dead man come back to life – that I’m here again.
the real me, the woman whose given you babies, bled for you,”“I don’t get to be given away.”
I watch as she feels her neck. I never saw that injury that night when she was shrouded by the shadows. As a man I think of seppuku in terms of disembowelment but women, can take their life in certain ways. I raise my hand up but she takes my hand in hers and starts to kiss my palm. Why?
“You’re good enough. You’re a good man. I may have to spend the rest of your life getting that through your thick head – but I chose you. Not because of the time we’ve spent, or the children we share. I chose you for a million reasons.”
A million reasons and I still can’t even find one good one. If only I could clearly point to one but instead I can point to many reasons why she’s better off with those men. Clear reasons. Reasons I saw through observation and reasons she said so herself.
“and you’re excellent with children. This one didn’t give me three hours of sleep at a time while you were gone, and look at her now.”
“Sound asleep eventhrough all the noise.” I say as I look over to where Ai is.
we have to pay for it. Our children have to pay for it. We may have lost this battle,” I shrug. “But the fight endures. And it will endure until the day that I’m actually your wife.”
“Our children doesn’t have to pay for it. I know you said they will just be bastards, but at least no one can take them away. If they’re not in my house – they are safe.” I look down, “But they are young, there’s time for things to change or for you to change your mind.”
“I’d like to go,” I say, quietly. “I was told today at one store that I’m too short and fat for Western clothes, so I was already feeling… quite a bit of self-pity. All over this,” “I forgot that I had a baby less than a month ago and only thought that I’d never be as pretty as her.”
Finally I get a chance to tie back her yukata. “Another man may think Tokio is a beauty but they haven’t seen what hell looks like.” Fixing the edges of her yukata, “When I first met you, you didn’t look like you’ve been touched.” Of course I know that’s not true, “And I was all too aware of how I was slowly spoiling your future. But I can’t say I regret the evidence of my plunder.”
“Is this still -our- bed? Or are we making room for a third?”
I shake my head. “I only considered Tokio’s demands. I could live with one but not the other. That’s why I asked you if we can have the children be under Tamesaburou’s house.”
“In the meantime, if you think you can stand being called my wife even if we’re not legal and some of them will know, then I’d like you to go.”
He’s quiet as I speak of our intimacy, erasing the past, and my brother. But he takes my hand that’s offered.
But they are young, there’s time for things to change or for you to change your mind
I look over at our daughter. Bastard, what a horrible term to attach to a little girl made with such love, named for love… but she’s going to wear her father’s name someday.
When I first met you, you didn’t look like you’ve been touched. And I was all too aware of how I was slowly spoiling your future. But I can’t say I regret the evidence of my plunder
He fixes my yukata. “My body will heal. It’s the price for bringing such beautiful girls into this world, and… although I’m like any woman, vain and insecure… well, I’m one of the very, very few whose beloved wrote an ode to how they smell.” It wasn’t just about desire… but an acceptance that I’m a real woman, with a real body, not some idol carved out of stone.
“So please -don’t- regret it. You have your scars, I’ll have mine. I’ve always seen yours as signs of your strength, your will to live.” I lean up to kiss that one that always makes my heart heavy, the one that so injured his shoulder. If only I had been there…
In the meantime, if you think you can stand being called my wife even if we’re not legal and some of them will know, then I’d like you to go.
“Even once we marry, we’ll have those who will -never- accept me as your wife. Admirers of Tokio. People who maybe just don’t like you, or think that we’re immoral.” I shake my head. “But I can stand it… I welcome it.”
Ai-chan finally wakes, making fussing noises, and I get up from the bed to pick her up. “Your chichiue is home, Ai-chan,” I tell her. To Hajime, “she still takes a night feed, of course. I have a bottle ready. Would you like to feed her?”
Tsutomu:
Ai-chan starts to cry and I take it as my cue to quietly leave for the upstairs. They were arguing but seems to have settled down. But what is that about Makoto and Ai-chan? And what is Mother and Uncle doing? They’re -all- stupid after all.
(OOC: Tsutomu goes back
Hajime:
“So please -don’t- regret it. You have your scars, I’ll have mine. I’ve always seen yours as signs of your strength, your will to live.”
“And yours will always remind me how you’ve given a part of yourself to me.”
“Even once we marry, we’ll have those who will -never- accept me as your wife. Admirers of Tokio. People who maybe just don’t like you, or think that we’re immoral“But I can stand it…
“Then we’ll keep going.” I’m not naive not to know the snares waiting. ” See where it leads us.”
The baby finally makes itself known and I smile a little. She had a good run considering how unruly Hide and I were being.
, “she still takes a night feed, of course. I have a bottle ready. Would you like to feed her?”
I get up from the bed and go beside Hide. Reaching out for the baby, I support her head in the crook of my elbow just like how the nurse showed me. We almost didn’t have her. Such a patient child. Suddenly I grin and think to myself, she was especially patient for all those nights I “borrowed” her mother.
Then we’ll keep going. See where it leads us.
“And then I’m going to make sure I’m fit to be seen on your arm.” I grin a little, “I’ve never seen you in a dress uniform.” There’s a few other places I can check, if I can get away from home…
He sits carefully with Ai-chan and she eagerly takes to the bottle and gets quiet. except for the sounds of her taking her late-night dinner. I love his expression with her… soft. And then he grins! He has his own ways with his children, after all.
I sit next to them, as Ai-chan is doing her usual and just looking at him as she eats, her beautiful eyes fixed on him. “Yukiko-san is very good at feeding her, and Makoto’s done it -once- but Tsutomu-kun was hovering the entire time.” I smile. “He’s a good brother.” From the side of the bed I take my device… the sound of her eating seems to make me want to “produce” so I tuck in the cups and tubes while I quietly use the hand pump. “I prepare for breakfast already,” I say, “and thanks to Eiji-san and Makoto, I have a supply of ice to keep it.”
“And then I’m going to make sure I’m fit to be seen on your arm.” I grin a little, “I’ve never seen you in a dress uniform.”
I groan slightly at that but go back to tending to Ai.
“Yukiko-san is very good at feeding her, and Makoto’s done it -once- but Tsutomu-kun was hovering the entire time.” I smile. “He’s a good brother.”
“Isn’t that great Ai-chan. Everyone loves you.” I tell my precious daughter but she’s more preoccupied with her mother’s milk.
I watch as Hide places the contraption onto her breast and i wince a little as I see her start to pump. “I hope that doesn’t hurt.” Sure I’ve done more aggressive things to her breast but that contraption just looks -unnatural-.
As we sit here I remember something. “By the way I told your brother’s spy Shintani Kenkichi, that I wouldn’t say anything to Tamesaburou. I don’t really care for his story, after all I’ve heard almost all of it in my line of work” I pause, “I told him he can report back to Tamesaburou anything he wished, after all I have no desire to address this snooping event with your brothers.”
Isn’t that great Ai-chan. Everyone loves you.
“Oh, once she’s done feeding I’ll show you her newest trick,” I say. “Oh, and burp her first,” I laugh a little.
I hope that doesn’t hurt.
“Not really – not as much as still feeding a child once they start teething,” I smile. “This is why I’m glad our traditions in Japan have us -start- weaning long before that starts. But I look down at the device. “I prefer feeding her myself, but it’s nice to let other people share this time – it’s awfully cozy, isn’t it?”
I listen as he tells me about my brother’s “spy”, and it’s clear that he still thinks that Tamesaburou is up to something. “I’ll see if he says anything to me,” I say.
“Did you get to see Tsuyoshi-kun? And how is Ueda-sama? Is there something we could send him to help him get ready for winter?” I ask. Between her, her brother, and my brother… was there any light in this visit?
“I’ll see if he says anything to me,”
“I’m not fishing for information so, if he tells you anything about that I don’t need to hear it.” I say seriously.
“Did you get to see Tsuyoshi-kun? And how is Ueda-sama?
“I did see Tsuyoshi. His friends were visiting his home so we didn’t spend too much time.” I look at her, “In Aizu, boys around the same age hang out in rotation amongst different houses.”
“As for Ojii-san, well I’m sure he appreciated all those unexpected visitors past his bed time.” I scoff a little. “Kanbee, that boy Shintani and uhh well….” I pause, “Kurosawa paid us a visit. But otherwise Akane is taking good care of him.”
I’m not fishing for information so, if he tells you anything about that I don’t need to hear it.
I nod.
With Ai-chan done with her feeding, I wait for Hajime to burp her before having him settle her back down in his arms. “Watch this,” I say, tickling her little feet as I lean forward to kiss on her chubby neck. She burbles and coos in response, waving her hands in the air. “No laughing yet, and yes… I know that this is what babies do… but I love seeing everything our bright and beautiful little daughter does.” I smile at him.
“I’m glad you waited for us, little one,” I tell her.
In Aizu, boys around the same age hang out in rotation amongst different houses
“Oh, we’ve had visitors from school – Tsutomu-kun had a weekend practice for kendo, and Makoto-chan went with them – she’s running and fetching water and whatnot for the team now that kyudo is done for the season. I ran into Nishino Midori-chan on the way to our house – remember she came by the day before you left? She was coming back to see Makoto, and a friend of hers apparently was following her. It was Sakaya Tsurumi-chan – the same one who’s been bothering Makoto.”
“I think she wanted to have some -words- with me… but she’s agreed to leave Makoto alone. I told Tsutomu-kun about the visit but not Makoto. But I like Midori-chan – she’s a good girl. She has wonderful manners – she brought a cake on her first visit, and a present for the baby.”
Hajime lists the visitors that Ueda-sama was burdened with. “Kanbee came by? And Kurosawa?” I didn’t get to meet either on our visit. “Isn’t Kanbee that old friend of yours that you find pesky?” I -like- the idea of him having friends, even if they annoy him. And as for the other… he’s a powerful man in Aizu. Can he not influence Tokio?
I can’t help but laugh softly as Hide tries something with the child and it works! So adorable in fact as my baby makes that murmuring sound. I catch Ai-chans little fingers in the air. “Your mother is being troublesome isn’t she Ai?” I listen as the cooing eventually fades away. “Don’t get her too excited or she won’t go to sleep later… And we -are- trying to get her to sleep correct?”
Hide updates me on the visitors. The girl Nishino is welcome… But the other? “If she was uninvited you should’ve told her to go home.” I sigh, “But if you’re certain she’s leaving Makoto alone then I suppose it’s not such a bad visit.”
“Yes remember Kanbee? You were so afraid of him when you two first met.” I shrug, “But a brute like that will scare anybody.” I don’t say anything about Kurosawa. After all, eventhough I find it difficult to keep some things from Hide – other things like Kurosawa thinking I had done something to Tokio just because he saw me in her bedroom. Well eventhough I had feared the monster would come out – it didn’t. Nothing happened so nothing to talk about.
I wait a few more minutes and finally my little girl is showing signs she might actually go back to sleep.
And so I get a laugh from her father as well! “Ai-chan, your mother just likes showing you off,” I protest, but he’s right, we do need to settle her down, but a fully belly helps with that. I take her back, and quickly and expertly swap out her wet diaper for a dry one, and she’s already drooping. “Say goodnight now, little one.” I kiss her head. “Your chichiue is here so impress him with your good sleeping skills.” He’s had a hard weekend and -needs- it…
If she was uninvited you should’ve told her to go home.” I sigh, “But if you’re certain she’s leaving Makoto alone then I suppose it’s not such a bad visit.
“It was raining her Saturday – and I thought, maybe a bit of kindness…” I shake my head. “I hope she keeps her word. But I would like to see more of Midori-chan – I was tending to Ai-chan on her first visit but her and Makoto and Tsutomu-kun were having a merry time – I think an entire cake was consumed.” Even Tsutomu-kun’s good mood had held that night, so I didn’t fuss over the lightly eaten dinner…
Yes remember Kanbee? You were so afraid of him when you two first met. But a brute like that will scare anybody.
It’s then I do remember Kanbee. Giant of a man…
“Well she’s down. Are you ready to get some rest?” I say, putting away my device and putting the milk to chill.
Ai-chan is put back to the crib and told her orders. I do think our baby will sleep well – after all she’s all set.
Hide seems impressed with the Nishino girl? Well I do know the girl had enough wits about her to tell me not to smoke in the dorms. That’s a good sign. But I’m not sure if having the girl come here is still a good idea? After all it was all based on a brother’s “whim”.
“An entire cake… I’m sure the kids would’ve not said no to that.” I say as I change into something light for sleeping.
“Well she’s down. Are you ready to get some rest?”
“I am.” I go next to her however and embrace her from behind. “And I promise you there will never be anyone else in our bed. Just you and I.”
(OOC: you may close)
An entire cake… I’m sure the kids would’ve not said no to that.
“Makoto told me later, it was her birthday. Maybe she’s a little lonely… she’s here from some distant fishing town up north.” And Tsuyoshi-kun does seem to be insightful with people, like his father.
He changes and joins me in bed. I lean back into his arms, and he makes me a promise, “thank you” I say, simply. I put my hands on top of his. “Goodnight, Hajime.
And wrapped in the arms of the man I love… I know this storm isn’t over. But for now… I relax and sleep.
(OOC – close)