Of course you two should think of the children. That’s why I’m speaking to you since this now involves Tsuyoshi. It’s bad enough that rumors surrounded Tokio and Goro in the beginning, and now -this-. Tsuyoshi may not be able to shed the disrepute if this continues for very long.
It’s clear, isn’t it? “Now -this”, he said.
I lay on my side, curled up, facing the wall. Unable to rest, in fact, restless. Namuzawa-san made it perfectly clear. I mar the name of his adopted son. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him out to another family, away from those who do love him. I want him with -us-. But if that cannot be, then I can’t hurt Tsuyoshi-kun. And I am.
I don’t know how to make it any clearer what I want – to be -married-. Properly. But no, it’s just assumed that I’m some carefree thing, or just absolutely uncaring – a rotten, immoral woman. One my parents would be ashamed of.
That I find happiness in my life doesn’t mean that I don’t want more. When compared to the long, empty years in Ito, when all I had was Makoto? This is paradise. I know I need to give my children proper names. A place. But I believe in him, and that it will come, and we’ll find it together.
What’s wrong with being happy but wanting more, but willing to take it as it happens? It’s as I asked him, should I be making some ultimatum? Hauling myself out to Aizu and facing her down, -demanding- his freedom? Running back to Kyoto, to my brother’s house, and not come back until he’s free? Kicking him out of our home? Just decide because we can’t have perfect, does that mean we can’t have anything at all?
I came back here in a cloud of confidence and self-assurance. That I was -wanted-, after all of that time, that he never forgot me, still loved me. That I couldn’t be replaced by a “Hide” that wasn’t me. That I still had a role to play. I felt so clear eyed. That I could stand things because of the long time apart, that I was stronger this time. That I would finally be… good for him.
No. I’m not. Every good intention I have is taken as a -worst- intention. I stand by Hajime, show a united front as a parent with my stepson, to keep him and his siblings out of danger? He looks at me as if I betrayed him. Would he rather we squabble and fight? Even my own daughter looked at me with disappointed eyes. I know I can’t make everyone happy all of the time, but I feel like it’s never, these days.
I try to let that disdainful man know that I care for this family, even the ones not of my blood? But I’m an uneducated, -stupid- woman who will never measure up to his beloved relative. How -dare- I mention her stubbornness in resisting divorce. All of that clan will stand in phalanx with her, when it comes to it. Hoping that Hajime will eventually tire of me, I suppose.
And that man in the cape won’t leave me alone. Leave us alone. The sanctity of my home, my refuge has been violated. I don’t know if I feel safe here anymore.
I’m exhausted. Frozen in inaction. Fighting on all sides and losing, and losing badly. Feeling terribly, terribly alone. Loving is the only power I have in this word of gods and prodigies, and suddenly – it’s not enough. Not for him, not for my children.
I have to get up soon. Be… something. A hostess, even if I’m a bad not-wife, a poor mother, a terrible aunt. Prepare food. Put on a smile, be polite. I’m not the fragile one, the distracting one. I’m the one who keeps… going on, after all. Right?
I try not to cry but I’m too tired to fight it. Finally, spent, I fall asleep as the late afternoon sun warms the room.
(OOC – Hide will wake in time to work on dinner. If anyone comes home before then, they are free to interact but otherwise I will move time along)
I get home early, just like I said I would. Our home looks quiet, the kids are not back yet. In a way that’s good it means they are having a good time. I hope.
Walking across the garden, I spy the tatami room shoji doors are closed. Namuzawa must not be back yet. But this is odd, I get a feeling that something is out of place like there’s an unfamiliar wind. It must just be me. I’ve managed to shake off most of the confusion this morning but perhaps a small feeling from that still lingers.
I want to get back quickly to that place, to my home. After thinking about it, I finally understood something which could’ve helped our situation earlier. I want to talk to her about it but as I enter the house is very still.
Well it is an odd time in the afternoon.
So I go to our bedroom where I found her sleeping. Quietly I go to the other side to see her facing the wall, curled up. I’ve seen this before but upstairs, in her bedroom many years ago. I let her sleep and go outside, making some ginger tea, wondering what it is that has upset her?
Done I go back to the room and settle the teapot on the table and a couple of cups. Opening a window, I smoke.
The smell of smoke…
It calls to me, pulling me out of sleep. Not the smoke of woodstoves or coal, but something… warm. Something I yearn for, even though I worked myself into a tizzy, trying to make sense of everything that’s been bothering me lately, thrown off-kilter by the presences of two men, strangers with their own intentions that hit me this afternoon, like a series of storms.
I stir, the smell of his smoke pulling me to wake. Those years in Ito, I missed him so. The lack of his smell… not just -him-, but this smoke. He smokes when he’s content, he smokes when he’s thinking through things, he smokes when he’s worried, he sometimes smokes just to smoke.
Why is he smoking now?
I get off of the bed, inelegantly, my limbs feeling heavy and clumsy in the way only an unexpected nap can make them. “Hajime,” I say, softly, seeing him at the table.
It’s funny, when I spoke to Namuzawa-san, that I didn’t use his name at all. I cannot say “Goro” – it’s a name that doesn’t belong to me, and feels slippery and unfamiliar in my mouth, the name of a stranger, even if it is his name now, and the one I wish so to be bound to. But I don’t want others to hear me use the name I prefer. The name that I can’t help but say as a caress.
I shake my hair out, and reach for a ribbon to tie it back. I’ll have to fix it properly, later, to be the lady of this house, even if I’m no “lady”.
Another smell reaches me – of ginger tea. A small smile can’t help but come out. He takes care of me. All of what happens, and he does. So I sit.
“Namuzawa-san came home – he was out visiting Aizu families who live in Tokyo. I’ve not seen the children yet.” I take a sip of tea, to calm myself. “And the man in the cape found this house. He had Kenji-kun with him. I think he… came over the gates, as I didn’t let him in.” I look down at my hands, cradling my teacup, feeling its warmth. “I’m sorry. This is -our- place, and now he’s been here.” I’m certain he can feel it, if he could feel the Battosai that time he visited the Fujita home.
I watch as she gets off the bed slowly and calls my name. I smile just slightly as my name rolls out her lips. She fixes herself and I give her space to do what she must, to take care of herself and get herself some tea.
“Namuzawa-san came home – he was out visiting Aizu families who live in Tokyo. I’ve not seen the children yet.”
I nod, surprised Namuzawa is back. “I suppose he locks the shoji doors to the garden.” Our garden is small compared to those in Aizu and of course not as flawless.
“And the man in the cape found this house. He had Kenji-kun with him. I think he… came over the gates, as I didn’t let him in.”
That next tidbit surprised me and I blink a few times and inhale the smoke. I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew it would happen, that’s why I tried to prepare her by saying those things. “It seems like you did what we spoke about, not resist.” I ash the cigarette out the window.
“I’m sorry. This is -our- place, and now he’s been here.”
“It was going to happen in time.” I shrug and throw out the cigarette butt and go close to her. I hold her arms on both side, “Are you okay? He didn’t try anything untowards you did he?” Would she tell me if he did? I wonder. But what’s important is she’s still here.
He blinks as I tell him about the visitor.
I concentrate for a moment, to remember to tell him everything.
“I tried… subterfuge, but we both know I’d make a poor spy,” I start. “He came in somehow, and Kenji-kun went to the back, to Makoto’s treehouse. I tried to just address Kenji-kun , tell him that Makoto wasn’t home, but he… prompted the boy to say he was thirsty, and then they came in. And then the boy wanted lunch…” I keep my eyes down. “Even though the boy was being used, I couldn’t refuse a child. Foolish, I know.”
“He… taunted me, or you, I suppose, by saying that he knew I’d tell you that he was here. He tried to tell me his various ‘truths’…” I sigh. “For which I have no interest in hearing.”
Are you okay? He didn’t try anything untowards you did he?
Hajime’s hands are on my arms, and I lean forward, a little, to rest my head against his shoulder.
“He took my hand again and… Kenji-kun asked to touch my stomach, and he had an… eager look? But I put off Kenji-kun, and it was then Namuzawa-san returned.” I shake my head. “Of course, how it must look, being home alone and entertaining a strange man. I’m certain he drew the worst conclusions, as evidenced by the talk we had after the man in the cape left.”
I tried… subterfuge “Even though the boy was being used, I couldn’t refuse a child. Foolish, I know.”
A small smile settles on my lips and I lift up her chin so we’re eye level. “It’s a woman’s duty to show kindness to little children.”
“He… taunted me, or you, I suppose, by saying that he knew I’d tell you that he was here.
I frown. Taunting is normal for that kind of man but Hide is not used to it… And neither am I when it came to her and I, had it been anyone else or something else it would be so easy to throw him back the same taunts.
“He took my hand again and… Kenji-kun asked to touch my stomach, and he had an… eager look? But I put off Kenji-kun,
I swallow and can feel my brows furrow depper. At least it was just that. He didn’t force himself on her but how about next time? Now that he knows where we live… “Did you feel you were ever in danger Hide? Even when you were humoring him?” Because if she did, then I must do something. Hide her. Send her to Kyoto. Do -something-.
“Of course, how it must look, being home alone and entertaining a strange man. I’m certain he drew the worst conclusions, as evidenced by the talk we had after the man in the cape left.
“Maybe but Namuzawa does not tend to jump into conclusions especially on something like that.” I look to the side, “When we were in Aomori, there were rumors I had been fooling around with Tokio. He refused to give credence to that rumor – which was of course untrue.”
I take some tea for myself and sit us both down. “What did you two speak about that made you think he’s thinking the worst?”
It’s a woman’s duty to show kindness to little children
“Even when the child is obviously being used by an adult?” I meet his eyes, then look away. I feel… ashamed for letting myself be caught like that.
He frowns as I talk about his taunts.
Did you feel you were ever in danger Hide? Even when you were humoring him?
“Not… physically. It was more like… he was trying to undermine me, to tell me that you aren’t serious about me, that you tried to make amends with Tokio even while we were together, years ago. That I avoid the truth. I suppose he speaks of his truth, of Tokio’s truth.” I shrug. “He also claims that I’m available for pursuit.” I frown. “He, of course, doesn’t listen even as I insisted, again and again, that I’m not.”
Talk shifts to Namuzawa-san, and he speaks well of the man, which surprises me – this is the man who has his youngest son, who spoke to him so cruelly in him in Aizu.
What did you two speak about that made you think he’s thinking the worst?
“He seemed disappointed that I don’t take more charge of Tsutomu-kun’s education. I was always willing to leave that to you, as that’s how it was with my brothers – a man oversees a young man’s education, because it went to things a woman didn’t know. But in these times… it’s the role of a woman.” I trace m finger around the rim of the teacup.
“But he also asked when we were going to “make our situation more permanent”. I reminded him that the law now requires a divorce be a mutual decision, and that…. Tokio denied you, back in January.” I sip my tea. “I shouldn’t have said that to him, of course he wouldn’t like me speaking of her, putting the blame on her.”
“And then… he said that our lack of resolution was putting Tsuyoshi-kun under a cloud of disrepute.” I close my eyes, that… of everything today, was the thing that made me feel broken. Or perhaps it was the one thing, after everything else today, finally made me have this moment today.
“Even when the child is obviously being used by an adult?”
She looks away but I turn her to look at me again.
“-Especially- then. You were providing that child protection. Most adults when they are unsuccessful can easily blame another and a powerless child like that? You did the -right- thing.”
“Not… physically. It was more like… he was trying to undermine me, to tell me that you aren’t serious about me, that you tried to make amends with Tokio even while we were together, years ago. That I avoid the truth. I suppose he speaks of his truth, of Tokio’s truth.”
I heave a sigh of relief. If he had hurt her physically I would have no other recourse but to go back to that dojo. So what if he tries to humiliate me with Hide? “You already know the truth of that time.” But it is one of those questions that I have asked myself, what if Tokio did become amiable would I have left Hide? Is that why I was so desperate for Hide and I to go “public” so I can avoid that outcome?
“He also claims that I’m available for pursuit.”
It’s my turn to look away. “Well you are -free-.” Sure when we eventually get married, the ties would bind more but as is our reality today, those ties are still able to be broken. After all isn’t that what I’m trying to do with my estranged wife?
“He seemed disappointed that I don’t take more charge of Tsutomu-kun’s education. I was always willing to leave that to you,
I nod. “In Aizu both men and women share the education of their children. Men with the martial arts and women, the books, the writings, the history. Did I ever mention it? That Yaso was the teacher of children during our time of exile. But as for Tsutomu…” I light a cigarette, “I’m afraid I’ve done a poor job at that. Maybe not so bad in his kendo but he has been having trouble in a variety of subjects, most notably history and the western subjects except for English. Takimi sensei has informed me but I chose to see if he will ask for help but so far he has not.” Of course I don’t add that I’m starting to think it may be because of the environment he finds himself in.
“But he also asked when we were going to “make our situation more permanent”. I reminded him that the law now requires a divorce be a mutual decision, and that…. Tokio denied you, back in January.” I sip my tea. “I shouldn’t have said that to him,
“Ah. Yes it would’ve preferable had you not gone down that path. It is not an answer that he would find acceptable.”
“And then… he said that our lack of resolution was putting Tsuyoshi-kun under a cloud of disrepute.”
I take a drag before responding – of course there were consequences to my decision to be with Hide. Did I think about those consequences from every angle, not -especially-. The truth I found was too strong and had I given it the proper consideration – I’d still end up -here-. “Namuzawa is from a proud Aizu family. I know he himself prizes “Rectitude” as the most important samurai virtue. We had shared the same principles during the war. It must disappoint him so that I have vacillated over certain issues over the years.”
I ash my cigarette and watch as the ashes fall to the floor, “However it pleases me to know that he is worried about that. It means he really cares about my son as his own.”
He still seeks to reassure me that I did right by tending to Kenji-kun. I finally meet his eyes, and relax a little.
You already know the truth of that time
I nod. “That… gave me some strength to hold onto when he was trying to undermine me.
And the sigh shows that he’s obviously relieved that the caped man didn’t -try- anything. That he touched my hand was too much. It’s a hand that belongs to others – to my children, and, in another way, to Hajime – and should not be sullied.
Well you are -free-.
He looks away as he says that, and I shake my head. “That’s what he said. But shouldn’t I be the judge of that?” I reach over with one hand to move his head to face me again. My thumb grazing across his cheekbone, softly. “And I consider myself to be entirely, fully, completely -unavailable-. By choice.” I lean my forehead against his. “One day, it will be obvious to the world, but until then…” I smile a little. “I guess you’ll have to trust me.”
Which… is a lot to ask. I worry that between our past, my past, his past… words don’t mean much. But that caped man seems to think that he can talk me away from my truth. When what he tries to shake… well, he’s not hitting on my true insecurities.
He then speaks of Tsutomu-kun’s education. “I was able to speak to his kendo, and his English skills,” I smile, “we share the same taste in novels – detective stories. And I remember being warned when Makoto started, that the Western subjects are hard for all children, because the parents cannot guide them. But our nation’s history? I know recent history is an… unsettled thing for him, but it’s the story of all of us, how we got here.” He and I lived through history, after all – him much more actively, of course.
Ah. Yes it would’ve preferable had you not gone down that path. It is not an answer that he would find acceptable.
“But why…. why do we have to bear the burden of not making things right when she’s the one blocking us?” I look over at him. “Perhaps he doesn’t want to hear that about her, but… we can’t keep taking all of the blame. I know people -adore- her. Admire her.” I look down. “But we’re not terrible people.” I know he is a good an honorable man. And I… I -try-.
However it pleases me to know that he is worried about that. It means he really cares about my son as his own
“I would… see -something- good in him if I knew that he loved Tsuyoshi-kun, or had some affection for him, as a person, and not just a symbol – The Heir. He’s too good of a boy, to strong-hearted, to be lost to that. And what sort of woman is his wife? I tried asking about her, but he brushed me off – this was when he first arrived.” But perhaps he feels that it would sully his respectable wife, to speak of her to a woman like myself. “I know he’s not mine, but… I love him as I love his brothers. The three of them are all such good boys… if a son we would ever have is anything like them – showing the same strength and courage and intelligence – I would be the proudest of mothers.” I blink a little. When I have a day with tears it’s hard to control them for the rest of it.
As I thought the behemoth didn’t pose much of a threat, at least while Hide believes in us. I don’t like that he tends to handle her but should I take him on for a sleight of hand? He is no ordinary man, we are lucky if this is the extent of it. Although…
I remind her that she is free or can be if she wants.
“And I consider myself to be entirely, fully, completely -unavailable-. By choice.” “One day, it will be obvious to the world, but until then…”
She leans into me and smiles. Of course our lives today seem less tumultuous compared to those days in the wilderness or the times apart.
We speak about Tsutomu about his schooling and it seemed the best time as any to let her know, “If he doesn’t pass this year, I think I’m sending him back to Aizu.” I straighten up a little, “His mother for all that she has not been, she is a teacher and can probably set him straight. There are some good clan schools there, maybe even the Nisshin-kan. Maybe Namuzawa can put in a good word.” Even as I said that I was unsure so I take a much longer drag on my cigarette.
. “Perhaps he doesn’t want to hear that about her, but… we can’t keep taking all of the blame. I know people -adore- her. Admire her. “But we’re not terrible people.”
“I told you before you are free from that. Don’t let it bother you.” She’s not the one who chose to leave a sanctioned relationship and caused all this to happen. Whatever happened or happens to my children she has no hand in.
She tells me about her misgivings about Namuzawa, his treatment of Tsuyoshi and the lack of clarity with his wife. “He is a very private man and as for his wife, it is common for a wife of an Aizu samurai to show complete deference to her husband.” This is after all the culture where the wife is expected to follow her husband to death. Extreme but ever since meeting Yaso I learned both to be fond of the clan and yet despise it at the same time. I don’t say much about Tsuyoshi, even if he is treated as an Heir, that is what he is and there is nothing we can offer him here. I can’t even seem to offer my eldest a life of stability, how much more to a second son? “Namuzawa will be good for him. He will want for nothing in the future.”
. The three of them are all such good boys… if a son we would ever have is anything like them – showing the same strength and courage and intelligence – I would be the proudest of mothers.”
She mentions 3 sons and I wonder, which third son, the one I should’ve had with Yaso who I can only see in my dreams or another named Tatsuo, a future son had Tokio and I not separated. Or is it my adopted son Eiji? She cries softly as she mentions our future child together.
“Don’t cry. Even if he wasn’t, shouldn’t you be proud of him anyway?” I grin only slightly. The truth is we have no idea what the future holds. If the child she carries today is a boy or girl or will be our last child together. I swallow at that thought and throw my cigarette away.
He says nothing else about the man in the cape. Next time will I play along? I am often here alone – the children at school, Yukiko-san out on errands… how much of him am I to endure? And if I tell Hajime, no, I cannot endure more, what will happen? The fight that would cost his life, or make him unable to work, to pursue his justice? He shouldn’t need to risk it all for me.
If he doesn’t pass this year, I think I’m sending him back to Aizu
“I’d… rather he apply himself. There’s still over half the year left, whatever he’s behind on he can improve on – did Takimi-sensei give you any idea if that’s possible?” I think. “Yuunosuke is teaching a boys school, I can write to him and see if he has suggestions – Tsutomu-kun can’t be the only one to struggle with some of these subjects.”
I then rise, and pull a newspaper clipping out of one of my notebooks. “And maybe… he needs a goal.” I hand Hajime the article, one about how the government is funding college education for the sons of army and police officers as our modernizing government desperately needs well-educated young men – with the idea that they would “track” into different jobs across the new civil service. Engineers, accountants, all sorts of “new professionals” are needed if we are to compete with the West.
“And… I wouldn’t mind having him nearby, we are close to the University.” I grin a little. “Although that might be less of an inducement. Or maybe his mother and her family have plans for him – not just in higher education, but beyond that?”
I smile a little at Hajime. I’m certain that my ideas are very… lofty and therefore impractical, in the face of realities, but I fell… more myself that I have since the caped man showed up. To be able to use my power, even though of late it feels like it’s woefully deficient to the situations at hand.
I told you before you are free from that. Don’t let it bother you
I shake my head. “No, I’m not. I went after a married man, knowing his entanglements. I can’t say that the consequences aren’t mine as well. We didn’t come together in a sanctioned way. But what’s keeping us from being together, in the eyes of the world, is not any problem or deficit on our part.” I shake my head, and take his hand. It’s so warm…
Namuzawa will be good for him. He will want for nothing in the future.
“But will he be… I know it’s nice not to want for anything, but does he get to be a child? Or just The Heir? That’s why I want to know what sort of woman his wife is, even if she falls in line exactly, she’s still her own person, who will have her own influences,” I sigh. “I can see he will have a -good- life – Namuzawa-san dresses in the sort of way that says, very quietly, that he has money, after all. But I…” I smile, ruefully, ” I want to know that he has a happy life. And that he’s free to keep up his bonds with the family he was born into, if he wishes to.”
Don’t cry. Even if he wasn’t, shouldn’t you be proud of him anyway?
I take a deep breath to compose myself. “Yes, and love him dearly. And while Eiji-san has become such a fine young man… I’m sad for what he had to endure before coming to your house, but -so- proud of who he’s grown up to be.” I touch my stomach, and our child – boy or girl, it’s very strong – “at least we’re assured that any child of ours will be a stubborn one.”
“I’d… rather he apply himself. There’s still over half the year left, whatever he’s behind on he can improve on – did Takimi-sensei give you any idea if that’s possible?” “Yuunosuke is teaching a boys school, I can write to him and see if he has suggestions – Tsutomu-kun can’t be the only one to struggle with some of these subjects.”
“It’s actually not that he struggles but that it’s disinterest and at times an utmost defiance. He walked out on his social studies class.” I sigh – I know all the books that lay open in his room but has he really read them? Or does he read and then give up, “He probably needs someone to watch him daily to study, to keep him on track.”
I read the article and it is good information to know. “It may give him direction.” I hand it back to her, “Maybe you should give it to him.” The truth is I don’t even know what that son of mine would want in the future. What does he want? Who does he admire?
No, I’m not. I went after a married man, knowing his entanglements. I can’t say that the consequences aren’t mine as well.
She disagrees with me of course. But there was nothing I could do to shield her from the judgment of others except to advise her to ignore it. Because what else is there that she could do? Run away or hide until everything is legal? Righteous? Well I suppose those are options for her but I don’t dare suggest it. But as for what I can do, there is something else and I look at the hand that’s in mine. I could give -him- up. Start anew. I look at my sword resting at the corner.
” I want to know that he has a happy life. And that he’s free to keep up his bonds with the family he was born into, if he wishes to.”
“Shouldn’t you ask that from Tsuyoshi himself? Namuzawa nor his wife will never or rather not know what is in Tsuyoshi’s head nor his heart.” The truth is I could never ask my youngest what he really thought, only that he was resolved to continue. That he found value in being their son. To me that was enough.
“Yes, and love him dearly. And while Eiji-san has become such a fine young man… I’m sad for what he had to endure before coming to your house, but -so- proud of who he’s grown up to be.”
“Ah he is a good young man.” I think of my brother, “We can give thanks to Hiroaki for that.” But the only way I can think of giving back to my brother is ensuring his daughter is not alone in the world but with -us-, until she find her own house.
Her hand goes to her stomach. “at least we’re assured that any child of ours will be a stubborn one.”
“Is it giving you a hard time again? Kicking you and all that?” I can’t help but chuckle. Just a few more weeks.
He probably needs someone to watch him daily to study, to keep him on track
“I will do that.” I meet his eyes. “He won’t -like- it, but… I’m not his favorite person anyway. But I don’t want to send him back to Aizu having lost a year. I want him to have… progressed.” I’m already composing my letter, mentally, to Yuubo. Then I recall something from his letters. “As for history… maybe he doesn’t like the way its being taught, even at a non-government school. But the Meiji government likes one truth and wants that to be taught, and he was raised with another.”
It may give him direction. Maybe you should give it to him.
“Perhaps. Let’s think about the best way to approach him .” I think of something else. “Ah, and the letter this morning – I didn’t read it, but it was a girl’s writing.”
He’s quiet to my response about worrying about our reputation. I know he does. I wonder, sometimes…. no, I -worry- that it’s enough to where he would give me up. Send me away. But alone… I’d be a single mother of two, without -any- protection. Or support. Oh, I’d have the mother my mother and grandmother set up for me, but I know that I was lucky in Ito, to only have endured scorn and comments and only one actual disturbance, and that was towards the end.
And truthfully, even when we struggle, we’re better together than apart.
“Shouldn’t you ask that from Tsuyoshi himself? Namuzawa nor his wife will never or rather not know what is in Tsuyoshi’s head nor his heart.
“I don’t have doubts about him.” I smile, a little. “He has a good heart. You saw today – he was being the peacemaker, even though he seemed upset by it. I only want Namuzawa-san… if not encouraging contact, then at least neutral to it. I don’t want him to feel disloyal to either side.”
We can give thanks to Hiroaki for that
I kiss his cheek. “And you’re the one who took time out of your mission – one where Japan itself was held in the balance – to make sure he went somewhere safe.”
Is it giving you a hard time again? Kicking you and all that?
“Moving a lot today. Not much room left to kick, mostly nudge. Sometimes with a great deal of force,” I laugh softly, and move his hand to rest on my stomach.
“He won’t -like- it, but… I’m not his favorite person anyway. But I don’t want to send him back to Aizu having lost a year. I want him to have… progressed.”
“Would you?” I smile a little at this. Maybe that will help him and although it’s only a hope, that she and Tomu would get a little closer. He’s not hers but he is mine and she is very important to me like he is.
“As for history… maybe he doesn’t like the way its being taught, even at a non-government school. But the Meiji government likes one truth and wants that to be taught, and he was raised with another.”
“He was raised with outlandish stories, not real ones. He believes our friends are enemies and those books are only a little better.” I look at her, “It’s a child who cannot accept nor live with reality but soon he’ll have his genpuku.”
She doesn’t agree no disagree on speaking to Tsutomu as to what he wants to do with his future. But she does tell me about an interesting letter from a girl?
“What girl? I don’t recall him associating with a girl -ever-.” But I grin, well he’s almost NOT a boy. “Do you know this girl?”
We’re both quiet as we consider the complexities of being together. I guess no one in this room can easily express what’s on their minds. Will we ever tire of the challenges, accusations and complexities? Will we tire of each other? But we’re both still here even through all that past.
I only want Namuzawa-san… if not encouraging contact, then at least neutral to it. I don’t want him to feel disloyal to either side.”
“I won’t let Namuzawa disallow Tsuyoshi from visiting us.” Of course I can’t control what my son will eventually become and if that means he goes further from us. “And as for feeling disloyal, we spoke about that in Aizu. He is strong.”
She reminds me of the pinnacles of my previous exploits and I grin slightly. “The boy would’ve been a hindrance. You’ve heard what he tried to do right? That rage…” I shake my head.
I rub her stomach lightly at first but then start to feel the length of the child with my fingers. There’s hardly any dents or soft spots left. She said Makoto was longer and likely leaner. This one seems wide and hefty. I breath in a little and quietly tell my child to avoid being troublesome when he or she comes out.
(OOC: You may close. Wednesday is a free form day i think so one can either move the time to thursday or do something with wednesday.)
Hajime seems pleased that I want to help Tsutomu-kun. “You know my education is lacking, but if I can at least keep him on task… anything to help him,” I say. And if I’m at home, at least I’m doing something of importance beyond cooking.
He was raised with outlandish stories, not real ones. He believes our friends are enemies and those books are only a little better.
Again I think of how Yuunosuke offer advice. Kyoto remains a “divided” city, after all. How do they handle it?
What girl? I don’t recall him associating with a girl -ever-. Do you know this girl?”
Oh my… now that’s the grin of a proud papa, and I laugh at it. “I didn’t read his letter!” Then I think, “oh, but I think I saw Makoto’s name. Maybe she knows the girl? But I hope it’s not the one that’s been giving her trouble.” But Tsutomu-kun is very protective of Makoto, so he wouldn’t pursue anything with her? Or is she the sort to chase after a boy?
I won’t let Namuzawa disallow Tsuyoshi from visiting us. And as for feeling disloyal, we spoke about that in Aizu. He is strong
I nod. I’ll have to be satisfied with that – with Hajime trusting in his son, and Namuzawa’s… I’m not sure what emotion that would be, but he knows the man, and not I.
The boy would’ve been a hindrance. You’ve heard what he tried to do right? That rage…
“Ah, but doesn’t he carry on his brother’s example? He’s been very protective and caring of his younger brothers.” I smile.
Then Hajime starts to examine me… I stand and take his hand. “I’d better start dinner before you start something.”
(OOC – close)